Friday, January 12, 2018

Why Me?

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I have been asking that a lot lately.  My path has been a rough one, I am not settled.  I call this FET the long dragged out one.  And I just can't catch a break or catch up.  Sometimes I just wish that I could myself a bubble on in pause mode until this is all over.  That I don't have to miss days of work, or get up at the but crack of dawn, to drive for and hour and a half and then have a 15 min appointment.  But, that is me, that is the path that I have choose.

After our last failed attempt, we were supposed to have a FET transfer on December 18th.  But, I didn't get my period on time for that, so they moved me to January 8th.  I started steroids and estrogen in December, right before Christmas, and was on birth control for most of the month.  Then at my lining check on the 3rd, it wasn't where it was supposed to be.  My nurse said that it would change by a few days.  Well, on my next check on Sunday the 7th, it was still not an 8.  The 10th is still not an 8.  And so I have another appointment on Sunday, and I am sure that it will still not be an 8.  To say I am grumpy is an understatement.  To think that this round of shots will be for nothing makes me bitter.  To think that I might have gained even more weight just for me not to transfer is outrageous.  But, it is the never ending cycle.  Also, I have started to have pre-period symptoms.  So i really feel like it is just around the corner, and my nurse will not answer, as to if this is a red light or not.  Why Me?

I saw one of my Aunt's today, that I haven't seen in a long time.  She told me how beautiful that I was, she tells me this a lot, so I know that she means it.  But, today I am just not feeling that way.  I had to tell her why.  She is also one of the first people that we told when we were trying naturally.  I remember those days.  Even though I feel like they were 100 years ago.  Sometimes, I am not sure if I will ever not remember every little part of this entire thing.  My cousins wife was asking me how I was, and how things are going.  And I told her that I feel tortured.  She brought up a good point, I will feel that way until I got the end result of what I want.  True.  

These days I feel bad about many choices that I make.  One more glass of tea?  Why not?  One more carb, sure?  Dairy, yep!  I should stop it all.  But, they just keep putting me off that I just don't see a reason to stop.  I just want to feel normal.  I do believe in this process, I believe in my clinic and the team of Doctors.  I don't believe that they would not want me to be pregnant.  Not, like UVA.  I don't know that they had any interest in growing my family.  They were just out to make money.  And there I was willing to give it.  I told ya, bad choices.  

I also want to say that since I have been off of "Facebook," I feel a lot better.  I feel like I don't have to explain every time that I blink.  I do feel some disconnect.  I don't know what is going on, and I have to rely on Mischa to tell me.  But, it's okay.  It is not the place for me.  It's not where I belong.  

Lastly:  Have you ever felt the feeling of being in a room of people that you are related to, and not knowing anything about them?  I felt that today.  It was so strange.  As I was looking over at them, I felt like they were strangers.  I think that I have felt that for a while.  Maybe all of my life.  Like I am sitting outside, just beyond that wall... they know nothing about me and I equally know nothing about them.  It was weird.  But, then again Why, me?