20 weeks...

Half way there!!!

There you go.  I would really appreciate if no one would share this picture.  I am kind of self conscious about photos of me right now.  I am in this in between stage where I don't think that I look like I am pregnant.  That I am just fat.  So please just leave this photo right here.

This dress is really hot.  I didn't know it until I did a little bit of shopping today and was steaming in it.  Also I don't like Lularoe.  Please don't be upset.  But it is really not for me.  

Anyways.. back to 20 weeks. The baby is the size of a banana it is not measured from the top of it's head to it's toes.  I have begun to feel tiny flutters in my tummy here and there which I think is really cool.  I have finally in the middle of no where gotten some of my appetite back.  I still crave things that I shouldn't have, and have not given into them.  I probably talk about the baby non stop now and drive everyone bonkers.  We have begun to think of some names and look at books.  But nothing is still standing out.  I think that will get easier when we know if the baby is a boy or a girl.  The swelling in my hands in no joke.  my rings go stuck on my fingers, and it really hurt.  So I had to run them under cold water to get them off.  I will be wearing them on a chain for a little while.

I have been wearing a lot of dresses and skirts.  I need to find some shirts that have more room, not really in the stomach but more in my boobs.  If I can wear my dresses for the rest of the time, I won't need to buy very many clothes.  

This might be the only photo that you get for a while.  Once again please do not share it.  It is bad enough that I am.  Love and baby dust to all.

almost half way there...

Not to be picky, but my app says that baby is the size of a pomegranate.. I am not sure if pears are the same size.. But ya know.

This month I have been feeling pretty good.  I am tired, so I tend to fall asleep at about 9 or 930.  I can't sleep past 730/830 because I have to go pee and I have dogs and if I move they wanna go out.  I try to lay in bed until 9, but I usually cannot stay comfortable for that long so I just get up.  I crave ice cream (okay frozen yogurt, from sweet frog) and Tea (all the time).  Neither one is going to add any weight, but I like them both and I am not going to give them up.  (Unless My Dr. tells me to, then I guess I will be good and listen.)  

I had an appointment last week (My 4th month or 16th week, whichever you count by), just a check up.  I picked the afternoon (I'll never do that again, they messed up, and 3 ladies canceled their appointments while I was sitting there), I got there early as I often try to do.  I like to wait for the doctors instead of them having to wait for me, I know that this might be backwards, but I like it.  The receptionists, who is a very nice clueless lady, called me to up and asked if I would like to schedule my next appointment.  Which was a little odd, because they normally do that after you are done.  But okay.  I said sure.  I actually cannot wait for this appointment because we will actually get to see the baby.  As we got to talking, I asked about some blood work that I was supposed to have done.  I'm not sure if she was listening to me or not.  She just kept shaking her head, so I went and sat back down, and texted Mischa to let him know about the next appointment.  I got called back by the nurse, I really like my nurse she is funny and she likes to talk about just about anything.  Sometimes we talk about my pee and sometimes we talk about nasty things.  But, it makes me less nervous so I like it.  I asked her if she was going to take my blood.  She said "No" you aren't on the schedule today.  Which was strange, because I was supposed to be.  So, then Dr. Bell came in.  Asked me how I was feeling, listen to the babies heart beat, which he said was good and strong.  And then took me back to his office.  Then he noticed that no one had taken my blood.  So we went up to the nurses station, and my regular nurse said, "Oh she left for the day."  Um... okay I am used to this from my first IVF place.  They could never get anything straight, so I just laughed.  Dr. Bell was not pleased.  He said don't laugh, and he was sorry.  I said if you knew what happened to me before Shady Grove you would laugh too.  He said well you can come in this week for the test or wait till 20 weeks.  I I had him put me on the schedule for 20 weeks, but told him that I would call and see if I could get it done last week.

So, I had the test done on Friday.  (If you know what the test is for please do not leave that in the comments.  I will DELETE it.  It is just a common test that they do, and I didn't have to have it but we decided to have it.)  When I went in there, they were not busy at all.  I was talking with the nurse and I asked her how long this would take to come back and that I was excited to know the gender, but I wanted that part to remain a secret.  This is when she stopped trying to take my blood.  She said you aren't here for this that test.  I said well that is what I thought, please take my blood.  I said that I could have messed up.  She said that they don't do that test because I am not 35, and I am not high risk.  So really I made a trip for nothing.  Because I would have not had that test, if I didn't want to know the gender.  So I have to wait to find out.

My nerves are starting to get the better of me.  Only because I haven't seen the baby since March.  I should have done one of those outside Sonograms, just so I could see.  But, now it is too late, and I will just have to wait.  I am thankful that Dr. Bell has done everything to make me feel normal.  We don't even talk about IVF anymore.  I am not ashamed of this, but I am just trying to feel normal.  IVF makes you feel less than normal.  So anything to make you feel like a "normal" pregnant woman makes you feel awesome.  Just the little things, can make you feel good.  

Do you know how expensive Maternity Clothes are??  This is something that I really don't understand.  I wouldn't pay that much and do not pay that much for my normal clothes.  It is just crazy.  I am thankful to be pregnant during the summer because I can just wear my dresses for now and call it a day.  I am going to need some shirts that are bigger... if your boobs didn't grow when you are pregnant you are very lucky.  I feel like the moment that we were pregnant they just started growing.  Something that I don't want to keep, because they are just too big.  

IVF is something that changes you a lot.  And not because of all the needles and all the medications.  You are more protective over things.  You want to be more private over things.  You also don't want to carry that badge anymore.  I am thankful for IVF, because without it I wouldn't be here today.  But, I don't want to carry that anymore.  When I was going to the clinic I felt like everyone knew what I was doing.  There was no privacy.  (I mean I am sure that there was, but everyone knows what you are there for.)  If you go down that path it will be the hardest thing that you ever do.  It's a lot of guessing, and lot of failure, and more heartbreak than I can ever possibly tell you.  But, the after is better than you can ever imagine.  But, I have more recently wanted to become a hermit.  Wanting to stay at home, wanting to not share everything with everyone.  It's just different.  It's a change.