Such a funny title...
But here goes nothing...
So, long ago I stuck my "feelers" out in the world. When I made it public that Mike and I were trying to have a baby (Emilia is here, we aren't trying now.. stop with that!!) and I wanted to make it public, so that I could find people that had this in common. It was hard, probably more frighting than going through infertility treatments... But, I did it. And here we are.
I have often felt alone in this journey. I know that there are more of us out there. But, sometimes we bond, and sometimes we don't. And then sometimes you make the bond and suddenly it's over and you are alone again. And then sometimes someone will support you, but won't support someone else doing the same thing. And you are alone again.
I put my "feelers" on paper this time, instead of out there for whoever to see. Why, am I saying this? Because, this time I feel bad about them. This time, I'm not looking for the common ground.
I know that I can be mean sometimes. I know that I come off harsh. But, I think that it is more guarded. For a long time, I didn't know what to do. There were more Dr's appointments than I had ever been too. There was more blood coming out of my body, and I wasn't sure if I was making enough to keep up. I was tired. I wanted to lay down on the couch and just stay there. I wanted to stay at home with my dogs. I just wanted to be me again.
I want to be the me without infertility. I want it to go away. (Not just for myself, but for others!!) I don't talk about it much. I try not to. But, for ANYONE reading this, what wants to talk about it... I'm here. I want to not have to take break from social media and being in contact with people, just to keep my sanity. I think people have forgotten how this whole thing changed my life. Which is great, but at the same time I am still sensitive to some things. Sometimes, I don't even know what I am sensitive to them. It isn't like I don't have this beautiful little girl running around the house! (I'll keep her!!!) So, before I get people all pissy... let me talk about that beautiful little thing.
I plan on making an 18 month update, but because I might not get to fit it all in, I will add it here.
I have heard a lot that Emilia is feisty. And I LOVE it. That is a really good way to describe her! She loves to roar, like a dinosaur, which she has been doing since her 10 month birthday. She chews on ice, I know that I did that a lot when I was younger, but I am not sure I did this young. She will NEVER pass up on a tomato, strawberry, mac and cheese, veggie straws, or Mcdees french fries (which she does NOT get a lot). She will sometimes hold her finger up and say 1. "If you're happy and you know," "Patty Cake," "Peekaboo," and giving lovings to the dogs are her favorite games. She also likes to clap her hands for "yay!" dance (The Backstreet Boys and Bob Sager are her faves) and throw up her hands for "touch down." We are currently reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets to her. But, she LOVES any book, and if the books have things to touch and pull or push she is in heaven. She can float, kick her feet, and blow bubbles in the pool! She LOVED dance/tumbling class (She bonded with Ms Sara right away!!!) she can't wait to go back. Finally, she is 100% a Daddy's girl. This isn't to say that she doesn't love me. But, Emilia will follow Mike around all day. Most of her kisses go to her Daddy. When he comes home from work (right now he is working from home) she will yell "Hi Daddy, Hi Daddy!!" And sometimes he can't walk to her first enough.
I am so glad that she is my baby. Yes I still call her my baby. I probably will forever!!!
Friday, March 20, 2020
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Growth
There is a quote floating around the inter webs about growing at different rates. Or is it popping pop corn and not all of it pops? Yeah, shows you how much I pay attention.
17 months...
This time 2 years ago (March 8th 2018, to be exact) we had our first visit with the OB to fully confirm that we were pregnant. Mike and I weren't really going to share the news with many people other than family, and we didn't get to tell most of them. We were shocked... this day would be a yes. There that baby was.. the most beautiful tiny, little thing I have ever seen. Our first positive tests of any time. We did it.
Fast forward to now. I still can't believe that Emilia is real. Daily I have to pinch myself. And sometimes I don't think that we actually did it. That I went through shots, and a C-section. But, she is here.
Let me talk about her for a little bit. I want to give an 18 month update, but that has to wait until the end of the month. So, hopefully she does more by then! Emilia LOVES Dance. Music on the TV, in the car, you name it she is going to dance. So we are enrolled in a dance/gymnastics class. We have only had one class, so time will tell on where this is going. Mike and I wanted Emilia to have a water safety class. We like to swim and go to the beach, so it was naturally something we thought to do. Honestly, I didn't think that Emilia was going to get much from it. When we started she was 15 months old. We also thought that she might be the oldest in the class (turns out there is a boy who is 1 month older than her.) Emilia LOVES swimming. She can float on her back, blow bubbles, kick her feet to move, and she is really close to holding her breath to go under. It is crazy what she picks up on and how fast she does it. Her last swim class level 1 is this week, and then we will move on to level 2. I'm not sure if we will break or go to level 3.
Emilia has always been a babbler. From the time she knew how to do it at 3 months, she really hasn't stopped. I'm hoping that more words come quicker. Because now she is getting frustrated that we don't know all of what she is trying to say.
My girl is tall. So, I upgraded her pants to 18 months. Her swim suits are also 18 months. But, swim suits run small. Most of the pants are too big in her tummy. But, still a little long. I think that her growth is stabilizing a little bit. She is also becoming picky on her foods. Sometimes, she will not eat what we have. Sometimes, she decides that she only wants one thing that we are eating (always a fruit or veggie and she NEVER turns down fries.) She likes most foods, but when she doesn't like something she will through it up. Drama Queen for sure.
Okay, the rest I am going to leave for a 18 month update!
17 months...
This time 2 years ago (March 8th 2018, to be exact) we had our first visit with the OB to fully confirm that we were pregnant. Mike and I weren't really going to share the news with many people other than family, and we didn't get to tell most of them. We were shocked... this day would be a yes. There that baby was.. the most beautiful tiny, little thing I have ever seen. Our first positive tests of any time. We did it.
Fast forward to now. I still can't believe that Emilia is real. Daily I have to pinch myself. And sometimes I don't think that we actually did it. That I went through shots, and a C-section. But, she is here.
Let me talk about her for a little bit. I want to give an 18 month update, but that has to wait until the end of the month. So, hopefully she does more by then! Emilia LOVES Dance. Music on the TV, in the car, you name it she is going to dance. So we are enrolled in a dance/gymnastics class. We have only had one class, so time will tell on where this is going. Mike and I wanted Emilia to have a water safety class. We like to swim and go to the beach, so it was naturally something we thought to do. Honestly, I didn't think that Emilia was going to get much from it. When we started she was 15 months old. We also thought that she might be the oldest in the class (turns out there is a boy who is 1 month older than her.) Emilia LOVES swimming. She can float on her back, blow bubbles, kick her feet to move, and she is really close to holding her breath to go under. It is crazy what she picks up on and how fast she does it. Her last swim class level 1 is this week, and then we will move on to level 2. I'm not sure if we will break or go to level 3.
Emilia has always been a babbler. From the time she knew how to do it at 3 months, she really hasn't stopped. I'm hoping that more words come quicker. Because now she is getting frustrated that we don't know all of what she is trying to say.
My girl is tall. So, I upgraded her pants to 18 months. Her swim suits are also 18 months. But, swim suits run small. Most of the pants are too big in her tummy. But, still a little long. I think that her growth is stabilizing a little bit. She is also becoming picky on her foods. Sometimes, she will not eat what we have. Sometimes, she decides that she only wants one thing that we are eating (always a fruit or veggie and she NEVER turns down fries.) She likes most foods, but when she doesn't like something she will through it up. Drama Queen for sure.
Okay, the rest I am going to leave for a 18 month update!
Thursday, February 27, 2020
WTF
What in the heck!!!
So, I might have been in the wrong on some of this.. But, hear me out!
Emilia has swim on Thursday nights. I knew when I signed up that it was going to be a difficult adjustment for her, because typically she is either laying down or asleep by 8 or 8:30 every night. We are strict on bedtime, she needs her sleep and she needs routine. I DID try to sign up for the Sunday morning swim, but it was full. So, here we are Thursdays at 5:50 swimming.
This also happens to be dinner time. So, usually Emilia will have a snack before class. Sometimes, right after she will have a snack in the car. And we rush off to dinner. Typically we have dinner at Foster's Grill or Fire House Subs, they are both pretty quick with food. Foster's is pretty loud, and while Fire House is quiet, there aren't many people in there, so it isn't a big deal that we have a 17 month old with us.
Emilia is pretty well behaved when we go out. She really likes to look around at new faces, interact with the staff, and if fries and tomatoes are involved she is one happy girl. I am not saying that she doesn't ever act up, I am just saying that she enjoys going out.
If you have never had a meal out with a kiddo younger than 3 you may need me to catch you up. So, here you go. Most of the time, Emilia will sit. Like all kids, she is interested in the world around her. She can sometimes get pretty loud. But, young kids eat and then it is time to explore, or get the heck out of Dodge. Now, when you are at home... you kid will take hours to eat. Or mine eats slow.
Tonight was the exception! I wanted to go to another restaurant. I have been wanting Mexican food. So, while I don't really like El Agve, that is where we headed. It took a while to seat us, and while we were over dinner time, I thought that we could make it. I had packed a pouch for Emilia to eat, and we broke up some chips for her. We were doing pretty well, until our food got there. Mike ordered this 3 combo dinner thing, and I ordered shrimp nachos. I forgot that, my nachos didn't come with tomatoes, shredded cheese, and typical nacho things. I was in a panic. Emilia loves to share food with Mike and Me. And I didn't get anything she could share. Mike had some taco meat in his food, and I found some tomatoes and soft chips. So while it took a hot minute to find things for her. We got it done.
But, Emilia got restless. She began to throw food on the floor. And then the squealing started. The first squeal was ok, we redirected her attention to other things, some other snacks, ice... and then another. AND then a look from a lady in the corner. I brushed it off the first time. Thinking that she only looked up because Emilia was loud. Then Emilia dropped her ice cube on the floor... and then she cried. Not her cute cry, her I'm upset and over this cry. And then the eye roll from said lady.
So, by this point I have given up on my dinner. And it is all about making Emilia happy. So I ask Mike to take her out of the high chair, to see if that will make her happy. However, she then wants me. I just wanted to finish my 2nd glass of tea. (I LOVE TEA and have given up Soda till Easter!) So, I have Mike hand me Emilia across the table. I am trying to also finish my tea. But, then her little hand goes into my glass. So, I decide to make her happy I will let her play with my empty ice filled cup. She is a happy camper for a few minutes. And then, tears all over again. By this point the lady in the corner is flat out staring me down. I am praying that out waitress will come back and we can get the check and leave. I am also hoping that Emilia doesn't have another melt down. I quickly try to get Emilia's coat on, and try to rush out the door, without my coat. I did apologize to the family behind us, because Emilia was throwing food in their direction. That lady (who was not giving me harsh looks, said that it was okay and she understood) was nice.
What I should have done and almost did, was point out to the entire room that this lady was giving me looks and rolling her eyes at me. I was trying to feed my tiny human and make her happy. What I should have done was yell at this lady, make a huge mess and walked out. I also should have said something about how bad this lady treated the waitress, even though she had nothing to do with how my child was acting. I didn't do any of these. I walked away with a screaming child and my tail between my legs.
I think that people forget that this tiny human, is just that a tiny human. The world is new to her. Taking her out of her schedule is heart breaking to her. While she LOVES swim, she still wants to be fed and in her bed on time and by 8pm. She is still learning how to do things and behave. And this bull shit of children should be seen and not heard is just that, bull shit. I would also like to know when it became okay to stare at people for their wrong doings? Did social media allow this? If so, I'm out! Seriously. Mike and I didn't touch our phones at all at dinner. We didn't even hand Emilia our phones. And we don't. She knows that they are used to call people. And that is it. But, we don't give them to her at meal time. Not at home not out. We try hard to occupy her time with talk and other things. But, I am sure that if I gave her my phone tonight, the lady would have rolled her eyes at me even more. I am sure that I did nothing right. It's all fine with me. But, it is very rude.
All mom's are just trying to raise good humans. I don't think any mom wants any different. But, we have to stop this shamming. It's not fair, and it is not right. I am sure, that I am guilty of doing it to someone. For, that I feel awful. I'm an asshole. Lesson learned, it fucking sucks. Seriously! Maybe, I should have taken Emilia to the car sooner. But, she wasn't done eating. Maybe I shouldn't have given her ice, but she does like it. Maybe, I should have went to Foster's or Fire House. Lesson learned, stick with what you know. Lots of lessons learned, lots more to come. This mom thing is hard. Hats off to the been there, done that. You should have a medal, gold star, highest honer. All of the above. Now, I'm an hour past my bed time and I am just hoping that there are not too many miss spellings and grammar errors. Peace Out!
So, I might have been in the wrong on some of this.. But, hear me out!
Emilia has swim on Thursday nights. I knew when I signed up that it was going to be a difficult adjustment for her, because typically she is either laying down or asleep by 8 or 8:30 every night. We are strict on bedtime, she needs her sleep and she needs routine. I DID try to sign up for the Sunday morning swim, but it was full. So, here we are Thursdays at 5:50 swimming.
This also happens to be dinner time. So, usually Emilia will have a snack before class. Sometimes, right after she will have a snack in the car. And we rush off to dinner. Typically we have dinner at Foster's Grill or Fire House Subs, they are both pretty quick with food. Foster's is pretty loud, and while Fire House is quiet, there aren't many people in there, so it isn't a big deal that we have a 17 month old with us.
Emilia is pretty well behaved when we go out. She really likes to look around at new faces, interact with the staff, and if fries and tomatoes are involved she is one happy girl. I am not saying that she doesn't ever act up, I am just saying that she enjoys going out.
If you have never had a meal out with a kiddo younger than 3 you may need me to catch you up. So, here you go. Most of the time, Emilia will sit. Like all kids, she is interested in the world around her. She can sometimes get pretty loud. But, young kids eat and then it is time to explore, or get the heck out of Dodge. Now, when you are at home... you kid will take hours to eat. Or mine eats slow.
Tonight was the exception! I wanted to go to another restaurant. I have been wanting Mexican food. So, while I don't really like El Agve, that is where we headed. It took a while to seat us, and while we were over dinner time, I thought that we could make it. I had packed a pouch for Emilia to eat, and we broke up some chips for her. We were doing pretty well, until our food got there. Mike ordered this 3 combo dinner thing, and I ordered shrimp nachos. I forgot that, my nachos didn't come with tomatoes, shredded cheese, and typical nacho things. I was in a panic. Emilia loves to share food with Mike and Me. And I didn't get anything she could share. Mike had some taco meat in his food, and I found some tomatoes and soft chips. So while it took a hot minute to find things for her. We got it done.
But, Emilia got restless. She began to throw food on the floor. And then the squealing started. The first squeal was ok, we redirected her attention to other things, some other snacks, ice... and then another. AND then a look from a lady in the corner. I brushed it off the first time. Thinking that she only looked up because Emilia was loud. Then Emilia dropped her ice cube on the floor... and then she cried. Not her cute cry, her I'm upset and over this cry. And then the eye roll from said lady.
So, by this point I have given up on my dinner. And it is all about making Emilia happy. So I ask Mike to take her out of the high chair, to see if that will make her happy. However, she then wants me. I just wanted to finish my 2nd glass of tea. (I LOVE TEA and have given up Soda till Easter!) So, I have Mike hand me Emilia across the table. I am trying to also finish my tea. But, then her little hand goes into my glass. So, I decide to make her happy I will let her play with my empty ice filled cup. She is a happy camper for a few minutes. And then, tears all over again. By this point the lady in the corner is flat out staring me down. I am praying that out waitress will come back and we can get the check and leave. I am also hoping that Emilia doesn't have another melt down. I quickly try to get Emilia's coat on, and try to rush out the door, without my coat. I did apologize to the family behind us, because Emilia was throwing food in their direction. That lady (who was not giving me harsh looks, said that it was okay and she understood) was nice.
What I should have done and almost did, was point out to the entire room that this lady was giving me looks and rolling her eyes at me. I was trying to feed my tiny human and make her happy. What I should have done was yell at this lady, make a huge mess and walked out. I also should have said something about how bad this lady treated the waitress, even though she had nothing to do with how my child was acting. I didn't do any of these. I walked away with a screaming child and my tail between my legs.
I think that people forget that this tiny human, is just that a tiny human. The world is new to her. Taking her out of her schedule is heart breaking to her. While she LOVES swim, she still wants to be fed and in her bed on time and by 8pm. She is still learning how to do things and behave. And this bull shit of children should be seen and not heard is just that, bull shit. I would also like to know when it became okay to stare at people for their wrong doings? Did social media allow this? If so, I'm out! Seriously. Mike and I didn't touch our phones at all at dinner. We didn't even hand Emilia our phones. And we don't. She knows that they are used to call people. And that is it. But, we don't give them to her at meal time. Not at home not out. We try hard to occupy her time with talk and other things. But, I am sure that if I gave her my phone tonight, the lady would have rolled her eyes at me even more. I am sure that I did nothing right. It's all fine with me. But, it is very rude.
All mom's are just trying to raise good humans. I don't think any mom wants any different. But, we have to stop this shamming. It's not fair, and it is not right. I am sure, that I am guilty of doing it to someone. For, that I feel awful. I'm an asshole. Lesson learned, it fucking sucks. Seriously! Maybe, I should have taken Emilia to the car sooner. But, she wasn't done eating. Maybe I shouldn't have given her ice, but she does like it. Maybe, I should have went to Foster's or Fire House. Lesson learned, stick with what you know. Lots of lessons learned, lots more to come. This mom thing is hard. Hats off to the been there, done that. You should have a medal, gold star, highest honer. All of the above. Now, I'm an hour past my bed time and I am just hoping that there are not too many miss spellings and grammar errors. Peace Out!
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Just a chapter..
In the book of life.
It is funny how things turn out. But, everyone has a "Book of Life." I thought that my book would be normal and boring. Honestly, I had my life planned out at 16... none of that has worked out very well. I'm still happy, and believe that I have a really good book. But, I think that I have found a new calling, and I need to figure out how to get there.
In 2012, my life changed. Not one of those; "In an instant" kind of deals, more gradual than that. Mike and I would be celebrating our first year of Marriage that October and 11 years together that same month. We decided that we were ready to add littles to our family. (We also added a Boxer, she is our little too!!) But, you all know that didn't go according to plan.
Since then I lived and breathed trying to have a baby. It consumed me, changed me, took up space in parts of my life that I didn't know it could. When we finally made the choice in December of 2015 to move forward with IVF, I felt SO alone. I didn't think that I knew anyone that was going through this or had gone through it. Thank God, for Instagram and finally coming to terms with the truth on Facebook. But, that is not what this is about.
I feel like I have walked through fire. I lived that chapter, but I wasn't sure if I could ever close it. Many times after having Emilia I would talk about it. You are fresh out of it, and think that it is over. But, that shit hits you like a shit ton of brinks and comes from left field and you have no idea what the hell happened. There is NO safety net to catch you, trust me I have looked for one. I hate the term, "It will get better." or "You will get over it." There is nothing to get better, I can't change the fact that I am infertile and I can't get over the fact that my body doesn't work like it is "supposed" to.
BIG BUT HERE!
The thing is, you get to a point... whatever you want to call it. Where you stop sharing it. You don't forget, but it doesn't come out of your mouth like word vomit. I'm saying this because I have now had 2 times where I could spell the beans and talk about it for the ENTIRE time that I was getting my hair cut and pictures taken, but I didn't. I sat getting my hair cut, and when asked if I had kids, I said "Yes, one girl, Emilia." Then I talked about her. How she is sassy and talks my ear off. How she likes tomatoes and I can't figure out why, because I hate them. How she is nervous around new people like Mike and she wants to stranger danger everyone. That's what came out of my mouth.
And it was the sweetest things and best thing about all of it. I was just a normal person, getting my hair cut. Watching my baby get her pictures taken. I was active again in life. I wasn't watching from the sidelines. I wasn't loving other kids like they were my own. I was loving my baby with my entire heart, with every WORD that came from my mouth. The song of my soul was different, much better and I loved it.
I know that it is not over. But, for now Mike and I are really happy. Emilia is that light of out lives. When people ask about having another baby, I do get offended. We aren't there yet. And there is nothing that says that any of what we did to get Emilia will work for another baby. We have plans and dreams for her. These things, do not include another baby right now. They are for her, and some for us. Mike and I put our lives on hold from December 2015 to January 2018 to have Emilia. We want to take her to Disney. We want to go to places we have said we would. We are also not taking for granted that she is a miracle, in more ways that just conception. To add onto this, just one more thing, my body took those IVF drugs from December 2015 to March of 2018, with a few breaks here and there. But, I need a big break. And I am taking it.
So for now take in all of Emilia. Play with her. Cuddle her. Enjoy her photos and dancing. She will grow and change and if we all don't pay attention, we will miss it. And no matter what, I wish you love and baby dust.
It is funny how things turn out. But, everyone has a "Book of Life." I thought that my book would be normal and boring. Honestly, I had my life planned out at 16... none of that has worked out very well. I'm still happy, and believe that I have a really good book. But, I think that I have found a new calling, and I need to figure out how to get there.
In 2012, my life changed. Not one of those; "In an instant" kind of deals, more gradual than that. Mike and I would be celebrating our first year of Marriage that October and 11 years together that same month. We decided that we were ready to add littles to our family. (We also added a Boxer, she is our little too!!) But, you all know that didn't go according to plan.
Since then I lived and breathed trying to have a baby. It consumed me, changed me, took up space in parts of my life that I didn't know it could. When we finally made the choice in December of 2015 to move forward with IVF, I felt SO alone. I didn't think that I knew anyone that was going through this or had gone through it. Thank God, for Instagram and finally coming to terms with the truth on Facebook. But, that is not what this is about.
I feel like I have walked through fire. I lived that chapter, but I wasn't sure if I could ever close it. Many times after having Emilia I would talk about it. You are fresh out of it, and think that it is over. But, that shit hits you like a shit ton of brinks and comes from left field and you have no idea what the hell happened. There is NO safety net to catch you, trust me I have looked for one. I hate the term, "It will get better." or "You will get over it." There is nothing to get better, I can't change the fact that I am infertile and I can't get over the fact that my body doesn't work like it is "supposed" to.
BIG BUT HERE!
The thing is, you get to a point... whatever you want to call it. Where you stop sharing it. You don't forget, but it doesn't come out of your mouth like word vomit. I'm saying this because I have now had 2 times where I could spell the beans and talk about it for the ENTIRE time that I was getting my hair cut and pictures taken, but I didn't. I sat getting my hair cut, and when asked if I had kids, I said "Yes, one girl, Emilia." Then I talked about her. How she is sassy and talks my ear off. How she likes tomatoes and I can't figure out why, because I hate them. How she is nervous around new people like Mike and she wants to stranger danger everyone. That's what came out of my mouth.
And it was the sweetest things and best thing about all of it. I was just a normal person, getting my hair cut. Watching my baby get her pictures taken. I was active again in life. I wasn't watching from the sidelines. I wasn't loving other kids like they were my own. I was loving my baby with my entire heart, with every WORD that came from my mouth. The song of my soul was different, much better and I loved it.
I know that it is not over. But, for now Mike and I are really happy. Emilia is that light of out lives. When people ask about having another baby, I do get offended. We aren't there yet. And there is nothing that says that any of what we did to get Emilia will work for another baby. We have plans and dreams for her. These things, do not include another baby right now. They are for her, and some for us. Mike and I put our lives on hold from December 2015 to January 2018 to have Emilia. We want to take her to Disney. We want to go to places we have said we would. We are also not taking for granted that she is a miracle, in more ways that just conception. To add onto this, just one more thing, my body took those IVF drugs from December 2015 to March of 2018, with a few breaks here and there. But, I need a big break. And I am taking it.
So for now take in all of Emilia. Play with her. Cuddle her. Enjoy her photos and dancing. She will grow and change and if we all don't pay attention, we will miss it. And no matter what, I wish you love and baby dust.
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
6 months and beyond
Time is FLYING. I can hardly believe it.
I have probably had about 30 or more blogs in my head, I should start writing them down... (They come to me in the middle of the night, when I should be sleeping!!)
First. I can't believe that I have a 6 almost 7 month old. Not only is she trying her hardest to sit up, which she has been trying since she was a month in a half old. But, now she wants to push off with her legs, and it looks like she is trying to walk. Forget rolling and crawling, she is just going to skip those.
Second... It is weird to me how different I feel about infertility now. It doesn't leave you. But, parts of it really do get better. It does take a little bit longer to get there. I just really have to choose what bothers me now. Sometimes, I feel like nothing bothers me and then I feel like it ALL bothers me. I can say that I NO longer have word vomit about it. That makes me happy. I have to take the little things.
Third. Yeah I got nothing!
I never realize how tiny Emilia is, until I go to buy her clothes or take her to the doctor. But, boy is she long. I know that won't tell if she will be tall or not. But, if I am remembering correctly from her 4 months appointment to her 6 months appointment she added a lot of inches. When I see her BABY Baby pictures, I don't even think that she is the same baby! Christmas to now seems like SO long ago. Really it isn't that long. September to now seems like a lifetime. And I can't believe in 5 months I will have a 1 year old.
I never thought in a million years that I would make these mile stones. I feel like all of last year, I was holding my breath until Emilia got here. I would have loved to just fast forward last year to the part where you get the baby. I want to tell you that the baby is the best part. Which, I really don't have to because that is what most of us are fighting for.
I want to say a few other things. Have a baby shower. For the love of God, have 5 of them. Invite as many people as you can. A few people asked me if I was going to keep ALL the clothes that I got at my 1 baby shower. I am here to tell you that I have kept them ALL, and I have used them ALL and then some. We have gone through EVERY size. From premie to just barely in 6 months old. I never seems to have enough sleepers. And the sleepers that are one sized, Emilia gets too long for. (Poor baby has never been too fat for them.) Also, if you haven't had your shower yet, your guests (unless they are me) will not buy you past 6 months. And you won't get a lot of 6 months clothes, so go out and buy those. Get them on sale as soon as you learn what you are having. Buy them up!
Accept Hand-me-downs.... from Friends and Family. (People you know!!) Okay, I am weird about this. I don't like to go to thrift stores and consignments places and buy clothes. The main reason... I have seen how many times Emilia has blown out, puked on.. and when she gets shots at the Dr's bleeds on her clothes. For some reason I just don't think that they clothes are clean enough from there. But, I am more than happy to get clothes from friends and family members.
Blankets. You can NEVER have too many of these. If someone tells you otherwise, you either don't live in VA or they are crazy. I never know what the weather is going to be. I can walk about and it is 50 degrees and warm, and they next day it is 50 degrees and cold as hell. Keep a blanket in your diaper bag. Keep one in your car. They also make great places to put your baby down if you need to. Plus, if you have more than a few you don't have to was clothes every other day.
Coats, Jackets, and such. This one is really hard. You can't put the baby in the cart seat in a heavy coat (thus the need for blankets). But, if you are carrying her around or going somewhere you need a coat. I got one of those fleece coats, that has a hood and her feet and arms go in it. They worked SO well. Until, I got her too warm a couple of times and I thought that she was going to scream so loud that my windows were going to break. Kid does not like to be warm. We also have a snow suit that we used a few times. Never in the car. I tried my best not to go out on super cold days. Hats are my favorite. But, up until now (when the weather is warm) Emilia didn't care for them.
Car seats. It took forever for Emilia to like to ride in the car seat. And still sometimes, she hates riding in it in my car. We have a small stuffed animal and a taggie, that have to go with us EVERYWHERE in order to have a smoother car ride. Also we have to have a Passie. It is probably the MOST important part.
Speaking of Passies. I understand that some people hate them. But, I love them. Emilia has to have one to sleep. They didn't really offer it in the hospital. They didn't keep it away, but I begged for one. Our Peds loves them too. He said that some babies are not born suckers. And the passie will help. It helped with a lot of things. If you aren't a passie person, that is fine. Just don't be mean to someone that uses them. Mom shame is not an okay game.
Okay all of my random is done. Lots of Love and baby dust!
I have probably had about 30 or more blogs in my head, I should start writing them down... (They come to me in the middle of the night, when I should be sleeping!!)
First. I can't believe that I have a 6 almost 7 month old. Not only is she trying her hardest to sit up, which she has been trying since she was a month in a half old. But, now she wants to push off with her legs, and it looks like she is trying to walk. Forget rolling and crawling, she is just going to skip those.
Second... It is weird to me how different I feel about infertility now. It doesn't leave you. But, parts of it really do get better. It does take a little bit longer to get there. I just really have to choose what bothers me now. Sometimes, I feel like nothing bothers me and then I feel like it ALL bothers me. I can say that I NO longer have word vomit about it. That makes me happy. I have to take the little things.
Third. Yeah I got nothing!
I never realize how tiny Emilia is, until I go to buy her clothes or take her to the doctor. But, boy is she long. I know that won't tell if she will be tall or not. But, if I am remembering correctly from her 4 months appointment to her 6 months appointment she added a lot of inches. When I see her BABY Baby pictures, I don't even think that she is the same baby! Christmas to now seems like SO long ago. Really it isn't that long. September to now seems like a lifetime. And I can't believe in 5 months I will have a 1 year old.
I never thought in a million years that I would make these mile stones. I feel like all of last year, I was holding my breath until Emilia got here. I would have loved to just fast forward last year to the part where you get the baby. I want to tell you that the baby is the best part. Which, I really don't have to because that is what most of us are fighting for.
I want to say a few other things. Have a baby shower. For the love of God, have 5 of them. Invite as many people as you can. A few people asked me if I was going to keep ALL the clothes that I got at my 1 baby shower. I am here to tell you that I have kept them ALL, and I have used them ALL and then some. We have gone through EVERY size. From premie to just barely in 6 months old. I never seems to have enough sleepers. And the sleepers that are one sized, Emilia gets too long for. (Poor baby has never been too fat for them.) Also, if you haven't had your shower yet, your guests (unless they are me) will not buy you past 6 months. And you won't get a lot of 6 months clothes, so go out and buy those. Get them on sale as soon as you learn what you are having. Buy them up!
Accept Hand-me-downs.... from Friends and Family. (People you know!!) Okay, I am weird about this. I don't like to go to thrift stores and consignments places and buy clothes. The main reason... I have seen how many times Emilia has blown out, puked on.. and when she gets shots at the Dr's bleeds on her clothes. For some reason I just don't think that they clothes are clean enough from there. But, I am more than happy to get clothes from friends and family members.
Blankets. You can NEVER have too many of these. If someone tells you otherwise, you either don't live in VA or they are crazy. I never know what the weather is going to be. I can walk about and it is 50 degrees and warm, and they next day it is 50 degrees and cold as hell. Keep a blanket in your diaper bag. Keep one in your car. They also make great places to put your baby down if you need to. Plus, if you have more than a few you don't have to was clothes every other day.
Coats, Jackets, and such. This one is really hard. You can't put the baby in the cart seat in a heavy coat (thus the need for blankets). But, if you are carrying her around or going somewhere you need a coat. I got one of those fleece coats, that has a hood and her feet and arms go in it. They worked SO well. Until, I got her too warm a couple of times and I thought that she was going to scream so loud that my windows were going to break. Kid does not like to be warm. We also have a snow suit that we used a few times. Never in the car. I tried my best not to go out on super cold days. Hats are my favorite. But, up until now (when the weather is warm) Emilia didn't care for them.
Car seats. It took forever for Emilia to like to ride in the car seat. And still sometimes, she hates riding in it in my car. We have a small stuffed animal and a taggie, that have to go with us EVERYWHERE in order to have a smoother car ride. Also we have to have a Passie. It is probably the MOST important part.
Speaking of Passies. I understand that some people hate them. But, I love them. Emilia has to have one to sleep. They didn't really offer it in the hospital. They didn't keep it away, but I begged for one. Our Peds loves them too. He said that some babies are not born suckers. And the passie will help. It helped with a lot of things. If you aren't a passie person, that is fine. Just don't be mean to someone that uses them. Mom shame is not an okay game.
Okay all of my random is done. Lots of Love and baby dust!
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Dear Emilia,
Dear Emilia,
You are laying next to me sleeping right now, making fists like Pappy (My Grandpa) does while he sleeps and blowing bubbles in your mouth. I'd like to be screaming at the TV cause the Steelers game is on and we need to win. But, you have been fighting sleep all day, and I know that if I talk you will wake up, so I haven't made a sound. You are almost 3 months old. And I feel like these 3 months have flown by. We have hit so many mile stones since your 2 month appointment. But, I don't think that they are milestones that are counted at the doctor's office.
None of your newborn clothes fit you now. I cried when I had to put your dinosaur sleeper in a box to be put away. And all of the pants that you have are shorts, because you are long.. and just a little chunky. I still can't believe that you also had to wear premie clothes. Those are hard to find, and at times we just put you in newborn size, because we had to keep you in clothes. It has taken you almost the full 3 months to get to size 3 months. You are just our Itsy Bitsy.
Our time with breastfeeding has come to an end. I am happy that it is over. I don't think that you liked that we stopped and I was sad that you still wanted to do it. It was hard not being able to provide enough for you. I know that you would have keep going longer, but it was a matter of supply and you needing to grow. You are much happier now that you can eat more and do not have to nurse and then supplement.
You are sleeping so well at night. I don't want to jinx that, but I want to brag about it. Since about the 23rd of November you have been sleeping on average about 6 hours a night. Honestly I think that it might have come sooner, if we didn't have to wake you every 3 hours to feed. But, you sleep like a champ at night. If only you would go to sleep before 1am, your mommy is not a night owl.
One of your favorite things is to talk to a snowman that I have put up for Christmas. Every morning after you eat, you coo and smile at the snowman. I will be leaving him up for a while. You have learned to grab, which means hair. You love lights. The baby in the phone is also another favorite, but you haven't realized that it is you yet. You love to be sang to, and you love to read stories before bed. You would sleep on your tummy if you were allowed. You fight nap time like it is your job (that is from Daddy!!) You love to be talked to and you turn your head in all different directions to look around and listen to things. Regular tummy time is a struggle, but you can hold your head up on your own and you can roll to your left side, which is where I find you in the mornings if I wake up before you. Abby is your buddy, you started to recognize her. You like to grab her ears and sometimes you smile when she kisses you. Your smile is contagious.
I cannot believe that this is your first Christmas baby girl. I know that you will be spoiled this year and many years after. But, I hope that you will learn that Christmas is about love and giving and not about getting everything that you want. I hope that you will be greatful ALWAYS. I hope that you never lose the magic that Christmas is. I know that there will come a time where this is spoiled for you, but I hope that you will find it in your heart to believe and that it will stay that way for a while. I also can't wait until you know what Christmas is. I don't mind if you are into everything, but please don't knock the tree over.
In these 3 months Daddy and I have grown so in love with you. We still remark at how it all happened. We have decided that we will call you our miracle baby, but we are going to wait a while to tell you about IVF and all that jazz. We hope that we won't treat you too different, just because it took so long to get you. But, we know in our hearts that it is almost going to be impossible to do that.
Happy 3 months baby girl! And Happy 1st Christmas, may all your dreams come true, Daddy and I know ours have with you!
Love,
Mom
You are laying next to me sleeping right now, making fists like Pappy (My Grandpa) does while he sleeps and blowing bubbles in your mouth. I'd like to be screaming at the TV cause the Steelers game is on and we need to win. But, you have been fighting sleep all day, and I know that if I talk you will wake up, so I haven't made a sound. You are almost 3 months old. And I feel like these 3 months have flown by. We have hit so many mile stones since your 2 month appointment. But, I don't think that they are milestones that are counted at the doctor's office.
None of your newborn clothes fit you now. I cried when I had to put your dinosaur sleeper in a box to be put away. And all of the pants that you have are shorts, because you are long.. and just a little chunky. I still can't believe that you also had to wear premie clothes. Those are hard to find, and at times we just put you in newborn size, because we had to keep you in clothes. It has taken you almost the full 3 months to get to size 3 months. You are just our Itsy Bitsy.
Our time with breastfeeding has come to an end. I am happy that it is over. I don't think that you liked that we stopped and I was sad that you still wanted to do it. It was hard not being able to provide enough for you. I know that you would have keep going longer, but it was a matter of supply and you needing to grow. You are much happier now that you can eat more and do not have to nurse and then supplement.
You are sleeping so well at night. I don't want to jinx that, but I want to brag about it. Since about the 23rd of November you have been sleeping on average about 6 hours a night. Honestly I think that it might have come sooner, if we didn't have to wake you every 3 hours to feed. But, you sleep like a champ at night. If only you would go to sleep before 1am, your mommy is not a night owl.
One of your favorite things is to talk to a snowman that I have put up for Christmas. Every morning after you eat, you coo and smile at the snowman. I will be leaving him up for a while. You have learned to grab, which means hair. You love lights. The baby in the phone is also another favorite, but you haven't realized that it is you yet. You love to be sang to, and you love to read stories before bed. You would sleep on your tummy if you were allowed. You fight nap time like it is your job (that is from Daddy!!) You love to be talked to and you turn your head in all different directions to look around and listen to things. Regular tummy time is a struggle, but you can hold your head up on your own and you can roll to your left side, which is where I find you in the mornings if I wake up before you. Abby is your buddy, you started to recognize her. You like to grab her ears and sometimes you smile when she kisses you. Your smile is contagious.
I cannot believe that this is your first Christmas baby girl. I know that you will be spoiled this year and many years after. But, I hope that you will learn that Christmas is about love and giving and not about getting everything that you want. I hope that you will be greatful ALWAYS. I hope that you never lose the magic that Christmas is. I know that there will come a time where this is spoiled for you, but I hope that you will find it in your heart to believe and that it will stay that way for a while. I also can't wait until you know what Christmas is. I don't mind if you are into everything, but please don't knock the tree over.
In these 3 months Daddy and I have grown so in love with you. We still remark at how it all happened. We have decided that we will call you our miracle baby, but we are going to wait a while to tell you about IVF and all that jazz. We hope that we won't treat you too different, just because it took so long to get you. But, we know in our hearts that it is almost going to be impossible to do that.
Happy 3 months baby girl! And Happy 1st Christmas, may all your dreams come true, Daddy and I know ours have with you!
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
An Update.. Kind of
It is hard for me to get on here and update... Emilia has my hands and heart full. In fact as I type this I am sure that she will wake, and I will have to come back to it.
I wanted to write on some things that I have learned in the first 2 months of motherhood. And a few more things.
I was scared to have a c-section. When I learned that Emilia was breech and that she wasn't going to turn, and that my OB didn't want to turn her.. I was scared. I am here to tell you that it wasn't that bad. I would say that the worst part was the IV that I had to have, because they like to put it in the side of my wrist where the bone is. And holy shit that hurts. The pain after is not bad, just walk. Make sure you get up. If I would have been better with making the nurses giving me pain meds then I would have walked the entire unit.
Breast feeding is not all it's cracked up to be. I thought that my milk my not come in. My mom wasn't able to nurse me for long, and I didn't know if I would be able to. When Emilia was born and we did skin to skin she didn't not move towards my boob. I moved her down so that she was in between my boobs, she only cuddled and fell asleep. So, Mike and I just loved on her. When the lactation consultant came in, it was game on and not in a good way. When we finally got Emilia to latch she didn't suck. And then this lady pushed and mashed on my boobs and turned my baby all these ways. We spent hours trying. I was sore from the c-section, and I was sore from my boobs. After the lactation lady left for a peirod of time, I just cuddled my baby again. Then she came back and we were at it again. There was NOTHING coming from my boobs. I think at about 8 or 9 pm the colostrum finally came from one of my boobs. We were now on to the night nurse. All the nurses that day mashed and squeezed my boobs, I thought that it would NEVER end. Emilia had to have her blood sugar checked, because she was tiny. At about 12am, I asked the night nurse if we could give her a bottle. I just wanted to make sure that something was in my baby and her sugar kept going down. Pam (that was the night nurse and I will NEVER forget her), looked in the bassinet in our room for the formula and found out it had been taken. She asked if we had requested that, and Mike said no. We want to feed this baby. Pam went and got us some bottles, and for the first time our baby drank. I am pretty sure that I cried. And then I cried again when her blood sugar was checked and went up. If your babies blood sugar has to be checked I am warning you now that it is the worst thing to watch. And I am Thankful that Mike was there, because if he wasn't I think that I would have just cried the entire time. Also if Pam wasn't there the first night to take care of us, I think that we would have not made it. She is truly and angel. We tried so hard to breast feed Emilia. And when I say we I really mean WE. Because I would pump and Mike would give her that. In order to help her sucking one of the Peds recommended a Pacifier and was not opposed. It did help. When we went to visit the Ped, Dr. Jakeum he told us that because she was small we would need to put Emilia at the breast and then give her about an ounce of formula. We had to see another lactation consultant. She helped a lot. When we came back in a week, Emilia had not gained much, so then we had to give her high calorie formula along with breast milk. I was working and did work, but she go to so stopped up that after she gained enough weight I would just give her breast first, and then give her 2 ounces of formula. Then the trouble started... As babies grow they want more and as she grew my supply did not. I reached out to everyone, including our lactation lady at the Peds office. I took Fenugreek like it was my job. I drank water, I put her to my breast I pumped, and when I looked like I could finally give up formula, Emilia decided that nursing wasn't for her anymore. I would put her to the breast and she would suck for a little bit, and then cry. I would change sides and she would suck for a little and cry. We had a night, many of you know, that she was up from 11:30 am to 4:30 am the next day, and NOTHING made her happy. My boob made her the most mad. I gave her a bottle of breast milk and she spit it up. At 8pm I got her to sleep on me for about 45 mins, (I am guessing at this, because I was SO tired). Emilia then woke up I changed her cuddled her and tried to feed her at the breast again. She cried. I cried with her. I made her a formula bottle and she drank an ounce. Mike was on nights that day and so I just turned on music and sat on the couch with her waiting for him to come home. Emilia was up. After that I thought that when we finally go to sleep and she woke up that she would want to nurse. She did not. And then after all the fenugreek, my supply went down. I envy anyone who was able to put their baby to the breast and have them just suckle. At our 2 month visit, I told Dr. Jakeum what had been happening, but honestly I was scared to because I know that he is VERY pro breast feeding. To my surprise, he said that he was on board with stopping. We have not 100% stopped. But, we are getting close. I am sad, but at the same time like Dr. Jakeum said all the work that we have put in and with not getting more than an ounce, it is time to just cuddle and play with Emilia and feed her formula. She will be okay. I want to end this point by saying, I hate breast feeding, I don't like lactation consultants and I wish that my boobs were like cows and just flowed.
Many people say not to wake a sleeping baby... well that is not always the case. I had to set an alarm on my phone and wake Emilia every 3 hours. During the day and night. Emilia was a sleeper when she was born and really for the first month. She enjoyed sleeping. I was SO happy when I didn't have to wake her anymore. I love to watch her sleep and I LOVE to cuddle her while she is sleeping.
Babies make a LOT of laundry. Yes, my tiny baby who is still in newborn clothes makes a lot of laundry. I suggest if you are reading this and are getting ready to have a baby, to get a lot of sleepers. You will either like the zippers or snaps (I like the snaps cause her feet and bum can come out and go back in quick). Get a lot of them. ALL sizes, all materials. I also suggest baby towels. Regular towels do not work well on babies. You can't wrap them as well. And trust me that baby is going to be wet after a bath. They soak up water!!
So the suggested way of sleeping for babies is on their backs. And for the first month and a half Emilia was okay with this. Now, she wants to roll and she is really trying. But, she would rather sleep on her tummy. I HAVE NOT PUT HER THERE, just be clear. Except when she is laying on me. But, it is hard when your child wants to be sleeping one way and you can't let them sleep like that.
A final thought... many have asked about putting pictures of Emilia on social media. I wanted to address it. Early in my pregnancy, Mike and I had a conversation about sharing things on social media. I know that I have shared a bunch. But, we talked about the babies face being out there. How people are bullied on social media, criticized for the way they parent, and just people being mean. I have been on the front end of it, and I think that I may have done it. Mike and I also talked about people knowing what the baby looked like. We talked about how many of our friends and family have people on their social medias that we do not know. I brought up a point that children are stalked now on social media. And then those people know where to find a child. And so we decided that we were going to leave the baby off of social media. I know that we have done a couple of pictures, but we are trying to keep Emilia off there. I know that people are upset about it. But, that is what we feel. I am also trying to not share things as much as I used to. I know that I have shared my journey. It was long and hard. I still wake up ans stare at Emilia before she wakes, and Thank God for her. I still wake in the middle of the night and check to make sure that she is there. I enjoy the little smiles that she gives. The little "talks" we have. When I think that I have memorized all her features, she changes. I have not beat infertility. I only got the upper hand this time. My course of action doesn't work for everyone, but I hope that it gives hope to just one person. I want you to know that even though, I might not talk infertility anymore, but if you need me I am here. You can message me, you can text me. I will be here for you. Don't give up. Your family will come. It will be yours. No matter how. Adoption, 4 paws, your own child, anyway you choose it.
I will try to update every now and again. But, as I said my hands and heart are full with Emilia. So, I am slow to answer texts, emails, and messages. And I am slow to update. But, I am here, with Love and Baby Dust.
I wanted to write on some things that I have learned in the first 2 months of motherhood. And a few more things.
I was scared to have a c-section. When I learned that Emilia was breech and that she wasn't going to turn, and that my OB didn't want to turn her.. I was scared. I am here to tell you that it wasn't that bad. I would say that the worst part was the IV that I had to have, because they like to put it in the side of my wrist where the bone is. And holy shit that hurts. The pain after is not bad, just walk. Make sure you get up. If I would have been better with making the nurses giving me pain meds then I would have walked the entire unit.
Breast feeding is not all it's cracked up to be. I thought that my milk my not come in. My mom wasn't able to nurse me for long, and I didn't know if I would be able to. When Emilia was born and we did skin to skin she didn't not move towards my boob. I moved her down so that she was in between my boobs, she only cuddled and fell asleep. So, Mike and I just loved on her. When the lactation consultant came in, it was game on and not in a good way. When we finally got Emilia to latch she didn't suck. And then this lady pushed and mashed on my boobs and turned my baby all these ways. We spent hours trying. I was sore from the c-section, and I was sore from my boobs. After the lactation lady left for a peirod of time, I just cuddled my baby again. Then she came back and we were at it again. There was NOTHING coming from my boobs. I think at about 8 or 9 pm the colostrum finally came from one of my boobs. We were now on to the night nurse. All the nurses that day mashed and squeezed my boobs, I thought that it would NEVER end. Emilia had to have her blood sugar checked, because she was tiny. At about 12am, I asked the night nurse if we could give her a bottle. I just wanted to make sure that something was in my baby and her sugar kept going down. Pam (that was the night nurse and I will NEVER forget her), looked in the bassinet in our room for the formula and found out it had been taken. She asked if we had requested that, and Mike said no. We want to feed this baby. Pam went and got us some bottles, and for the first time our baby drank. I am pretty sure that I cried. And then I cried again when her blood sugar was checked and went up. If your babies blood sugar has to be checked I am warning you now that it is the worst thing to watch. And I am Thankful that Mike was there, because if he wasn't I think that I would have just cried the entire time. Also if Pam wasn't there the first night to take care of us, I think that we would have not made it. She is truly and angel. We tried so hard to breast feed Emilia. And when I say we I really mean WE. Because I would pump and Mike would give her that. In order to help her sucking one of the Peds recommended a Pacifier and was not opposed. It did help. When we went to visit the Ped, Dr. Jakeum he told us that because she was small we would need to put Emilia at the breast and then give her about an ounce of formula. We had to see another lactation consultant. She helped a lot. When we came back in a week, Emilia had not gained much, so then we had to give her high calorie formula along with breast milk. I was working and did work, but she go to so stopped up that after she gained enough weight I would just give her breast first, and then give her 2 ounces of formula. Then the trouble started... As babies grow they want more and as she grew my supply did not. I reached out to everyone, including our lactation lady at the Peds office. I took Fenugreek like it was my job. I drank water, I put her to my breast I pumped, and when I looked like I could finally give up formula, Emilia decided that nursing wasn't for her anymore. I would put her to the breast and she would suck for a little bit, and then cry. I would change sides and she would suck for a little and cry. We had a night, many of you know, that she was up from 11:30 am to 4:30 am the next day, and NOTHING made her happy. My boob made her the most mad. I gave her a bottle of breast milk and she spit it up. At 8pm I got her to sleep on me for about 45 mins, (I am guessing at this, because I was SO tired). Emilia then woke up I changed her cuddled her and tried to feed her at the breast again. She cried. I cried with her. I made her a formula bottle and she drank an ounce. Mike was on nights that day and so I just turned on music and sat on the couch with her waiting for him to come home. Emilia was up. After that I thought that when we finally go to sleep and she woke up that she would want to nurse. She did not. And then after all the fenugreek, my supply went down. I envy anyone who was able to put their baby to the breast and have them just suckle. At our 2 month visit, I told Dr. Jakeum what had been happening, but honestly I was scared to because I know that he is VERY pro breast feeding. To my surprise, he said that he was on board with stopping. We have not 100% stopped. But, we are getting close. I am sad, but at the same time like Dr. Jakeum said all the work that we have put in and with not getting more than an ounce, it is time to just cuddle and play with Emilia and feed her formula. She will be okay. I want to end this point by saying, I hate breast feeding, I don't like lactation consultants and I wish that my boobs were like cows and just flowed.
Many people say not to wake a sleeping baby... well that is not always the case. I had to set an alarm on my phone and wake Emilia every 3 hours. During the day and night. Emilia was a sleeper when she was born and really for the first month. She enjoyed sleeping. I was SO happy when I didn't have to wake her anymore. I love to watch her sleep and I LOVE to cuddle her while she is sleeping.
Babies make a LOT of laundry. Yes, my tiny baby who is still in newborn clothes makes a lot of laundry. I suggest if you are reading this and are getting ready to have a baby, to get a lot of sleepers. You will either like the zippers or snaps (I like the snaps cause her feet and bum can come out and go back in quick). Get a lot of them. ALL sizes, all materials. I also suggest baby towels. Regular towels do not work well on babies. You can't wrap them as well. And trust me that baby is going to be wet after a bath. They soak up water!!
So the suggested way of sleeping for babies is on their backs. And for the first month and a half Emilia was okay with this. Now, she wants to roll and she is really trying. But, she would rather sleep on her tummy. I HAVE NOT PUT HER THERE, just be clear. Except when she is laying on me. But, it is hard when your child wants to be sleeping one way and you can't let them sleep like that.
A final thought... many have asked about putting pictures of Emilia on social media. I wanted to address it. Early in my pregnancy, Mike and I had a conversation about sharing things on social media. I know that I have shared a bunch. But, we talked about the babies face being out there. How people are bullied on social media, criticized for the way they parent, and just people being mean. I have been on the front end of it, and I think that I may have done it. Mike and I also talked about people knowing what the baby looked like. We talked about how many of our friends and family have people on their social medias that we do not know. I brought up a point that children are stalked now on social media. And then those people know where to find a child. And so we decided that we were going to leave the baby off of social media. I know that we have done a couple of pictures, but we are trying to keep Emilia off there. I know that people are upset about it. But, that is what we feel. I am also trying to not share things as much as I used to. I know that I have shared my journey. It was long and hard. I still wake up ans stare at Emilia before she wakes, and Thank God for her. I still wake in the middle of the night and check to make sure that she is there. I enjoy the little smiles that she gives. The little "talks" we have. When I think that I have memorized all her features, she changes. I have not beat infertility. I only got the upper hand this time. My course of action doesn't work for everyone, but I hope that it gives hope to just one person. I want you to know that even though, I might not talk infertility anymore, but if you need me I am here. You can message me, you can text me. I will be here for you. Don't give up. Your family will come. It will be yours. No matter how. Adoption, 4 paws, your own child, anyway you choose it.
I will try to update every now and again. But, as I said my hands and heart are full with Emilia. So, I am slow to answer texts, emails, and messages. And I am slow to update. But, I am here, with Love and Baby Dust.
Friday, September 14, 2018
Lackluster
I have been bad a giving updates. I thought that I would blog throughout my entire pregnancy... But, we are less than 2 weeks away and I haven't done more than a handful of blogs. I am board on couch rest, and instead of Instagram, Facebook, and TV; which I am all VERY tired of already. I thought that I might try and put out something decent and maybe no offensive. Even though EVERY single time I do this now someone gets upset.
So let me try and update:
The week of the 27th of August, I wasn't feeling right. I don't know how to explain it, but I just thought that I needed to go and see my OB. I was going to go and see the regular doctor, but I know that they would have sent me to the OB's office anyways. So I woke up on Thursday of that week, and I called the office and they got me in. A sonogram and hooking up to an NST test... and my fluid levels are low. So, my OB is concerned because I am nearing the end of my pregnancy, and if I lose more fluid than I had, I could have cord compression and be in a world of hurt with the baby. He didn't want me to go back to work the next day, and I had to do some begging in order to go to my baby shower that Saturday. I was put on rest, but am a allowed to be up for about 2 hours a day. And I don't have to lay down. Which seems to be really working because when I went for my check this week, I have to go twice a week, I had more fluid. So, I really have been sitting on my butt, doing as little as possible, which is driving me crazy...
Right after I was put out of work and on couch-arrest, my nesting kicked in. I want to clean my house from top to bottom. I want to pick up, organize and put away. I'm not allowed to do any of that. Luckily, my mom came over and put together some freezer meals for me, some I could put in the crock pot and some the hub's cooks. And Mischa has been great. I mean he has been cleaning. And as long as I don't tell him that I am bossing him around, he will do more for me. I owe him big time.
Now I just feel like I don't have enough of anything for the baby. I feel like I need all this equipment and all these other things. But, really I probably don't need them, until she is here and we see what she likes and doesn't like. So, I am trying to stay off of online shopping. But, it is crazy tempting to buy everything at my finger tips.
Coming down to the end, I feel like it went quick, but I also feel like it went very slow. The first trimester was crazy. Not feeling good most of the time. And just trying to figure out what to eat and not be sick. The second trimester was weird. No more sickness, but lots of heart burn. And then some foods would make me throw up, and if I didn't eat by a decent time, then I was up all night with heart burn. Trying to stock up on different things for the baby, and get the house ready. Which, I don't think that my house will ever be 100% ready. And now this 3rd trimester, which is getting cut short by about 3 weeks. How do you slow down, when all you want to do is clean and not make messes?
I haven't hated being pregnant. It isn't that bad. But, it is in no way something I can say that I enjoy. Being pregnant during the summer is hot. I stayed inside for as much time as I could. I promised that I would not complain when I got pregnant. But, that is the only thing that I would complain about. I got heat rash twice. Something I have NEVER had. And I normally never say it is hot. But, I am pretty sure that I said that almost daily. I'd also like to go back to eating more normally and not skipping out on things like chicken wings, because they make me sick. Or eating spicy food, cause it makes me sick. I miss those things. I miss sushi too. But, it is all worth it.
One more thing...
I usually do pretty well on not telling people about this being and IVF baby. Once I got to a certain part of my pregnancy, I just didn't want to tell that story anymore. I have in no way beat infertility. I laugh when my OB asks me about what birth control I am going to use after the baby. And then, I forget that I actually have to think about it and answer him. But, twice in the last few weeks I have talked about it. It came out not meaning to. The first time was the nurse that gave me a shot. I don't even know how it came up.. other than she was talking about my shot. And she had given me the T-dapt shot before. Then, I couldn't stop. Even though in the back of my mind, I was saying stop, stop. The 2nd time were with the receptionists at the office. They asked if this was my first baby... and then Mischa said that I just kept volunteering more information. My plan is NOT to say anything about it at the hospital. I am not ashamed of it. But, I don't want to tell the story anymore. It is always going to be a part of me. It is a crippling fear that I have. It is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a guard that I have put up, because it makes me feel better. The story of my life is nothing is ever normal. When I try to find that nice little quiet life, something makes an uproar. I have learned to walk through that fire, the burns are what is going to tell my story.
So let me try and update:
The week of the 27th of August, I wasn't feeling right. I don't know how to explain it, but I just thought that I needed to go and see my OB. I was going to go and see the regular doctor, but I know that they would have sent me to the OB's office anyways. So I woke up on Thursday of that week, and I called the office and they got me in. A sonogram and hooking up to an NST test... and my fluid levels are low. So, my OB is concerned because I am nearing the end of my pregnancy, and if I lose more fluid than I had, I could have cord compression and be in a world of hurt with the baby. He didn't want me to go back to work the next day, and I had to do some begging in order to go to my baby shower that Saturday. I was put on rest, but am a allowed to be up for about 2 hours a day. And I don't have to lay down. Which seems to be really working because when I went for my check this week, I have to go twice a week, I had more fluid. So, I really have been sitting on my butt, doing as little as possible, which is driving me crazy...
Right after I was put out of work and on couch-arrest, my nesting kicked in. I want to clean my house from top to bottom. I want to pick up, organize and put away. I'm not allowed to do any of that. Luckily, my mom came over and put together some freezer meals for me, some I could put in the crock pot and some the hub's cooks. And Mischa has been great. I mean he has been cleaning. And as long as I don't tell him that I am bossing him around, he will do more for me. I owe him big time.
Now I just feel like I don't have enough of anything for the baby. I feel like I need all this equipment and all these other things. But, really I probably don't need them, until she is here and we see what she likes and doesn't like. So, I am trying to stay off of online shopping. But, it is crazy tempting to buy everything at my finger tips.
Coming down to the end, I feel like it went quick, but I also feel like it went very slow. The first trimester was crazy. Not feeling good most of the time. And just trying to figure out what to eat and not be sick. The second trimester was weird. No more sickness, but lots of heart burn. And then some foods would make me throw up, and if I didn't eat by a decent time, then I was up all night with heart burn. Trying to stock up on different things for the baby, and get the house ready. Which, I don't think that my house will ever be 100% ready. And now this 3rd trimester, which is getting cut short by about 3 weeks. How do you slow down, when all you want to do is clean and not make messes?
I haven't hated being pregnant. It isn't that bad. But, it is in no way something I can say that I enjoy. Being pregnant during the summer is hot. I stayed inside for as much time as I could. I promised that I would not complain when I got pregnant. But, that is the only thing that I would complain about. I got heat rash twice. Something I have NEVER had. And I normally never say it is hot. But, I am pretty sure that I said that almost daily. I'd also like to go back to eating more normally and not skipping out on things like chicken wings, because they make me sick. Or eating spicy food, cause it makes me sick. I miss those things. I miss sushi too. But, it is all worth it.
One more thing...
I usually do pretty well on not telling people about this being and IVF baby. Once I got to a certain part of my pregnancy, I just didn't want to tell that story anymore. I have in no way beat infertility. I laugh when my OB asks me about what birth control I am going to use after the baby. And then, I forget that I actually have to think about it and answer him. But, twice in the last few weeks I have talked about it. It came out not meaning to. The first time was the nurse that gave me a shot. I don't even know how it came up.. other than she was talking about my shot. And she had given me the T-dapt shot before. Then, I couldn't stop. Even though in the back of my mind, I was saying stop, stop. The 2nd time were with the receptionists at the office. They asked if this was my first baby... and then Mischa said that I just kept volunteering more information. My plan is NOT to say anything about it at the hospital. I am not ashamed of it. But, I don't want to tell the story anymore. It is always going to be a part of me. It is a crippling fear that I have. It is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a guard that I have put up, because it makes me feel better. The story of my life is nothing is ever normal. When I try to find that nice little quiet life, something makes an uproar. I have learned to walk through that fire, the burns are what is going to tell my story.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
I have been more than a little quiet..
I am not sure where to begin. I have not been blogging because I tend to upset people. (Generally that seems to be ALL I have been doing EVERY time I open up my mouth. Go me!!)
This blog was supposed to make me feel better about things. For a long time that is just the purpose that it served. Suddenly, when I became pregnant things shifted and got messy. (I am doing okay, just in case that needed to be said.) I don't want to upset anyone today. I just wanted to write down some thoughts and some updates.
I have truly started looking pregnant. My belly has been getting rounder, but recently it looks pregnant. It's interesting and unique for me. I have been comparing my stomach to others. I know that I shouldn't do that, but it is hard not too.
I have a false sense of time. I am not sure if my brain is going to catch up on this one. This also happened when I was planning for my wedding. I think that the time from July to October is longer than it is. One reason is because we change a season (going into my favorite one.) And another is I just think that there are more days than there really are. I am pretty good at planning things. But, I am slow at it. Because I always think that there is more time.
I still wake up daily in shock that this all worked out. I still pray every night that every thing will be okay. And I still pray that this will happen for people who are still waiting. I know that I should be over this. I get it. I understand that EVERYONE wants me to be over this. I just can't. Infertility is this ugly beast. Which is really hard to explain to people. You try for something for so long, and you fail at it for so long that you start thinking that nothing is real. I strongly believe that when she is here, and when she is in my arms I will breathe and know that it is all real. I am really trying.
We haven't named this baby. We are trying. But, we cannot come up with something that has stuck. (No suggestions please.) And no we still aren't sharing if we FINALLY find a name for her. We also want to see her. We know that all babies are born looking like potatoes. But, she has to have a feature that we will see and think: "Okay she looks like this." Don't rush it, we have a couple days in the hospital where we will have to name her.
I would love sleep. I would love to not have to get up every night and pee. I know that this is normal. But, I LOVE sleep. I'd also really love if my dogs would stop waking me up at 8 am. I know that the baby will wake me up all the time. So, I guess I should just part ways with sleep. Nice to know you!
I want to buy everything baby and then some and then some more. But, I know that I can't do that. But, I have a pretty good collection of things going right now.
One last thing and please don't be upset over this one. (I am a germ-o-phobe, like I hate shaking hands cause I have no idea where your hand has been.) Mischa and I want people to come and visit baby in the hospital, we also want you to come to our house to visit as well (please don't overwhelm us.) But, please follow a few things. If you have any type of cold, or you have had any type of stomach bug/flu/what have you please wait to come see us for a little bit. Babies don't have built up immune systems, and we are going into flu season, we just don't want her to be sick. Please wash your hands. And if we ask you to wash them again, please just do it. The best thing would be to walk into our room say a quick "Hi" find a sink and give them a good wash. Please don't kiss her face. I love all of you. Mischa and I will take all the hugs and kisses that you would like to give her. There will be lots of time for you to kiss her later on. Lets just skip it till she gets some good germ fighters built up. Don't stay all day. I think that there are limits to how long you can visit, and I know that everyone wants to come. So that everyone can, don't plan on staying all day. Remember that the 3 of us will need some rest too. We have pets, (if you plan to come to the house) and this is going to be an adjustment for them too. While me love flowers and candy (Mischa will take a beer, I'd like unsweet tea by the gallon), and any kind of food you want to bring. Please, Please, Please don't bring balloons. We will have to leave them at the hospital. Or pop them at our house. Only one of our dogs is okay with them. Our 70 pound boxer and our already stressed out cat, hate balloons. We want this transition to be smooth for them too. So please, bring us other gifts, if that is the plan. No balloons. Again I don't want to offend anyone, but we want to make this as smooth as possible. We love all of you. You're support as been amazing. We are so happy this this time is finally here. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
This blog was supposed to make me feel better about things. For a long time that is just the purpose that it served. Suddenly, when I became pregnant things shifted and got messy. (I am doing okay, just in case that needed to be said.) I don't want to upset anyone today. I just wanted to write down some thoughts and some updates.
I have truly started looking pregnant. My belly has been getting rounder, but recently it looks pregnant. It's interesting and unique for me. I have been comparing my stomach to others. I know that I shouldn't do that, but it is hard not too.
I have a false sense of time. I am not sure if my brain is going to catch up on this one. This also happened when I was planning for my wedding. I think that the time from July to October is longer than it is. One reason is because we change a season (going into my favorite one.) And another is I just think that there are more days than there really are. I am pretty good at planning things. But, I am slow at it. Because I always think that there is more time.
I still wake up daily in shock that this all worked out. I still pray every night that every thing will be okay. And I still pray that this will happen for people who are still waiting. I know that I should be over this. I get it. I understand that EVERYONE wants me to be over this. I just can't. Infertility is this ugly beast. Which is really hard to explain to people. You try for something for so long, and you fail at it for so long that you start thinking that nothing is real. I strongly believe that when she is here, and when she is in my arms I will breathe and know that it is all real. I am really trying.
We haven't named this baby. We are trying. But, we cannot come up with something that has stuck. (No suggestions please.) And no we still aren't sharing if we FINALLY find a name for her. We also want to see her. We know that all babies are born looking like potatoes. But, she has to have a feature that we will see and think: "Okay she looks like this." Don't rush it, we have a couple days in the hospital where we will have to name her.
I would love sleep. I would love to not have to get up every night and pee. I know that this is normal. But, I LOVE sleep. I'd also really love if my dogs would stop waking me up at 8 am. I know that the baby will wake me up all the time. So, I guess I should just part ways with sleep. Nice to know you!
I want to buy everything baby and then some and then some more. But, I know that I can't do that. But, I have a pretty good collection of things going right now.
One last thing and please don't be upset over this one. (I am a germ-o-phobe, like I hate shaking hands cause I have no idea where your hand has been.) Mischa and I want people to come and visit baby in the hospital, we also want you to come to our house to visit as well (please don't overwhelm us.) But, please follow a few things. If you have any type of cold, or you have had any type of stomach bug/flu/what have you please wait to come see us for a little bit. Babies don't have built up immune systems, and we are going into flu season, we just don't want her to be sick. Please wash your hands. And if we ask you to wash them again, please just do it. The best thing would be to walk into our room say a quick "Hi" find a sink and give them a good wash. Please don't kiss her face. I love all of you. Mischa and I will take all the hugs and kisses that you would like to give her. There will be lots of time for you to kiss her later on. Lets just skip it till she gets some good germ fighters built up. Don't stay all day. I think that there are limits to how long you can visit, and I know that everyone wants to come. So that everyone can, don't plan on staying all day. Remember that the 3 of us will need some rest too. We have pets, (if you plan to come to the house) and this is going to be an adjustment for them too. While me love flowers and candy (Mischa will take a beer, I'd like unsweet tea by the gallon), and any kind of food you want to bring. Please, Please, Please don't bring balloons. We will have to leave them at the hospital. Or pop them at our house. Only one of our dogs is okay with them. Our 70 pound boxer and our already stressed out cat, hate balloons. We want this transition to be smooth for them too. So please, bring us other gifts, if that is the plan. No balloons. Again I don't want to offend anyone, but we want to make this as smooth as possible. We love all of you. You're support as been amazing. We are so happy this this time is finally here. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Saturday, May 26, 2018
20 weeks...
Half way there!!!
There you go. I would really appreciate if no one would share this picture. I am kind of self conscious about photos of me right now. I am in this in between stage where I don't think that I look like I am pregnant. That I am just fat. So please just leave this photo right here.
This dress is really hot. I didn't know it until I did a little bit of shopping today and was steaming in it. Also I don't like Lularoe. Please don't be upset. But it is really not for me.
Anyways.. back to 20 weeks. The baby is the size of a banana it is not measured from the top of it's head to it's toes. I have begun to feel tiny flutters in my tummy here and there which I think is really cool. I have finally in the middle of no where gotten some of my appetite back. I still crave things that I shouldn't have, and have not given into them. I probably talk about the baby non stop now and drive everyone bonkers. We have begun to think of some names and look at books. But nothing is still standing out. I think that will get easier when we know if the baby is a boy or a girl. The swelling in my hands in no joke. my rings go stuck on my fingers, and it really hurt. So I had to run them under cold water to get them off. I will be wearing them on a chain for a little while.
I have been wearing a lot of dresses and skirts. I need to find some shirts that have more room, not really in the stomach but more in my boobs. If I can wear my dresses for the rest of the time, I won't need to buy very many clothes.
This might be the only photo that you get for a while. Once again please do not share it. It is bad enough that I am. Love and baby dust to all.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
almost half way there...
Not to be picky, but my app says that baby is the size of a pomegranate.. I am not sure if pears are the same size.. But ya know.
This month I have been feeling pretty good. I am tired, so I tend to fall asleep at about 9 or 930. I can't sleep past 730/830 because I have to go pee and I have dogs and if I move they wanna go out. I try to lay in bed until 9, but I usually cannot stay comfortable for that long so I just get up. I crave ice cream (okay frozen yogurt, from sweet frog) and Tea (all the time). Neither one is going to add any weight, but I like them both and I am not going to give them up. (Unless My Dr. tells me to, then I guess I will be good and listen.)
I had an appointment last week (My 4th month or 16th week, whichever you count by), just a check up. I picked the afternoon (I'll never do that again, they messed up, and 3 ladies canceled their appointments while I was sitting there), I got there early as I often try to do. I like to wait for the doctors instead of them having to wait for me, I know that this might be backwards, but I like it. The receptionists, who is a very nice clueless lady, called me to up and asked if I would like to schedule my next appointment. Which was a little odd, because they normally do that after you are done. But okay. I said sure. I actually cannot wait for this appointment because we will actually get to see the baby. As we got to talking, I asked about some blood work that I was supposed to have done. I'm not sure if she was listening to me or not. She just kept shaking her head, so I went and sat back down, and texted Mischa to let him know about the next appointment. I got called back by the nurse, I really like my nurse she is funny and she likes to talk about just about anything. Sometimes we talk about my pee and sometimes we talk about nasty things. But, it makes me less nervous so I like it. I asked her if she was going to take my blood. She said "No" you aren't on the schedule today. Which was strange, because I was supposed to be. So, then Dr. Bell came in. Asked me how I was feeling, listen to the babies heart beat, which he said was good and strong. And then took me back to his office. Then he noticed that no one had taken my blood. So we went up to the nurses station, and my regular nurse said, "Oh she left for the day." Um... okay I am used to this from my first IVF place. They could never get anything straight, so I just laughed. Dr. Bell was not pleased. He said don't laugh, and he was sorry. I said if you knew what happened to me before Shady Grove you would laugh too. He said well you can come in this week for the test or wait till 20 weeks. I I had him put me on the schedule for 20 weeks, but told him that I would call and see if I could get it done last week.
So, I had the test done on Friday. (If you know what the test is for please do not leave that in the comments. I will DELETE it. It is just a common test that they do, and I didn't have to have it but we decided to have it.) When I went in there, they were not busy at all. I was talking with the nurse and I asked her how long this would take to come back and that I was excited to know the gender, but I wanted that part to remain a secret. This is when she stopped trying to take my blood. She said you aren't here for this that test. I said well that is what I thought, please take my blood. I said that I could have messed up. She said that they don't do that test because I am not 35, and I am not high risk. So really I made a trip for nothing. Because I would have not had that test, if I didn't want to know the gender. So I have to wait to find out.
My nerves are starting to get the better of me. Only because I haven't seen the baby since March. I should have done one of those outside Sonograms, just so I could see. But, now it is too late, and I will just have to wait. I am thankful that Dr. Bell has done everything to make me feel normal. We don't even talk about IVF anymore. I am not ashamed of this, but I am just trying to feel normal. IVF makes you feel less than normal. So anything to make you feel like a "normal" pregnant woman makes you feel awesome. Just the little things, can make you feel good.
Do you know how expensive Maternity Clothes are?? This is something that I really don't understand. I wouldn't pay that much and do not pay that much for my normal clothes. It is just crazy. I am thankful to be pregnant during the summer because I can just wear my dresses for now and call it a day. I am going to need some shirts that are bigger... if your boobs didn't grow when you are pregnant you are very lucky. I feel like the moment that we were pregnant they just started growing. Something that I don't want to keep, because they are just too big.
IVF is something that changes you a lot. And not because of all the needles and all the medications. You are more protective over things. You want to be more private over things. You also don't want to carry that badge anymore. I am thankful for IVF, because without it I wouldn't be here today. But, I don't want to carry that anymore. When I was going to the clinic I felt like everyone knew what I was doing. There was no privacy. (I mean I am sure that there was, but everyone knows what you are there for.) If you go down that path it will be the hardest thing that you ever do. It's a lot of guessing, and lot of failure, and more heartbreak than I can ever possibly tell you. But, the after is better than you can ever imagine. But, I have more recently wanted to become a hermit. Wanting to stay at home, wanting to not share everything with everyone. It's just different. It's a change.
Monday, April 23, 2018
it wont post
For someone who has a ton of say, I don't always say it in the best way. I am guilty of a lot of things, I am trying to take more action and ownership of them. "Baby" Steps.
And there went all my thoughts... crap.
Lets try again:
I am trying to move away from all things infertility. I am in no way not fertile (well I am but my situation as not been cured.) But, in a short period of time a lot of things have changed for me. A lot of opinions. But, some things have remained intact and very much the same.
One of those, getting a second opinion. On anything and everything. (Okay maybe not buy groceries or something like that...) Don't do what I did and keep going home expecting something to change. Don't look up remedies and solutions for something that you might not have. Find another opinion. Find it fast.
Ask lots of questions: I mean lots. Even if you think that they are dumb. Even if you have to write them down on sticky notes. Ask. At our first infertility clinic I never asked anything. No whys, now hows. Nothing. I did ask for a different protocol, but by then they were so used to me submissive that they didn't even take another look. Ask in all ways.. even if you are asking about your dogs leg.. if you think that something is not right ask.
Control: Okay so this is something that has changed and intensified. Because most of this process has been out of my control, I want to control everything. I don't feel like this is unnatural. I am also beginning to get annoyed when people are trying to change my mind about things. Let me have this one time to be in control. I have been dreaming and working at this for 6 years. Sometimes part of that control is not wanting help. If I don't ask for it, please stop trying to give it to me. I need this at this time.
Baby Name: I don't know how many times, and how many different ways I have to say this.. We are NOT sharing our babies name. (First we don't know yet what we are having, so stop asking that too!!) Many people have been offensive about this. They hurt my feelings. Don't say you don't like this name, or that you want this name for the baby.. its not happening. Once we know what gender the baby is (other than a Dragon!!) we will give it a nickname, and you are going to have to stick with that, until it's born and you hear the name. By then it will be on a piece of paper and there is no going back. So keep your opinions on this to yourself.
Putting me in uncomfortable situations is going to end badly for anyone involved. Listen, I am not really a confrontational person, I can sit behind a keyboard and harass people a bunch (it is something that I am NOT proud of!!), but if you push me, my "Fight or Flight" is pretty high right now and first I will fight and then I will flight. When I am trying to be quiet and just listen, I don't want to be berated over and over. I cannot control the response that I have. Saying anything negative about the baby, or telling me how I am supposed to feel will have a bad consequence, don't say that I didn't warn you.
I still don't like to talk about the baby. Sometimes I can and can really get on a roll. But, a lot of time I don't want to talk about it. I am nervous, scared, happy, sad, and everything (but mad) all rolled into one. It doesn't feel real. I can't describe it, but I will try. We made our baby in the most "Unique" way, that is becoming a lot more common. We knew that we were pregnant before a lot of couples ever find out that they are pregnant. We have more pictures of our baby than most people do during this time. But, some of the traditional things that couples get to do when they find out they are pregnant go robbed of us. It's not about who is on facebook (because for a while we were NEVER going to share that we were pregnant on their), its not about who talks to who. It is about the joy of getting to share the news, and because of that I don't feel as connected as most people do (YET!!).
Which brings me to my final thought, and this one has been bugging me for a VERY long time: Baby #2. Mischa and I don't know when or if Baby #2 will ever happen. (Honestly, it won't be an attempt until this baby is at least 2 years old. If then.) This baby will not come naturally, I will have to do everything all over again (even possibly another egg retrieval.) IVF has been hard on my body for the 3 years that we have been doing it. I have gone up and down on the scale, my hormones have been to the point I never thought that I would recover. It is hard on the mind, body, and soul. (I am not trying to be political ((that is not my game)) and I am not trying to throw a bunch of religion into the mix ((I pray a lot, but I am not as religious as I should be.)) I have always asked God for one baby. To just give us one baby. That Mischa and I would be happy with one baby. Honestly, I believe that when I stopped praying for particular traits for the baby, is when this all worked (I will be shocked if those are actually what happens. I might even laugh.) Anyways: back to baby #2.. I just don't know. And I want people to stop asking me. Or stop thinking about it. We have to do this first. Also, we are not going to tell anyone when we plan on baby #2, if we do that. It is going to be surprise to everyone. Too many people let slip before we wanted to, that we were pregnant. We are not going down that road again, its not fun.
Okay one more point: I think that people still feel that I have a lot of anger. Also, I think that a lot of people think that I am angry. I have stopped that now. I did have a lot of it. I did harbor a lot of it. But, I think I have softened. I am coming back down to normal (just don't put me on birth control again.) I can tell people that I am pregnant and I don't fear it. (Except I don't like to ask where the maternity section is.. for some reason I get shy.) I even enjoy searching for cool baby things. Slowly I am getting to the point where I am not getting mad a people for being able to become pregnant naturally. I find it easier to engage in normal conversations. I love gossip again and I love talking about peoples love lives (but don't go overboard... I don't need everything.) I feel like slowly "normal" Crystal is coming back. She has just been in hiding for about 3 years. Now, if I could rebuild my friendships, I would be all the way back. Slowly... "Baby" Steps.
And there went all my thoughts... crap.
Lets try again:
I am trying to move away from all things infertility. I am in no way not fertile (well I am but my situation as not been cured.) But, in a short period of time a lot of things have changed for me. A lot of opinions. But, some things have remained intact and very much the same.
One of those, getting a second opinion. On anything and everything. (Okay maybe not buy groceries or something like that...) Don't do what I did and keep going home expecting something to change. Don't look up remedies and solutions for something that you might not have. Find another opinion. Find it fast.
Ask lots of questions: I mean lots. Even if you think that they are dumb. Even if you have to write them down on sticky notes. Ask. At our first infertility clinic I never asked anything. No whys, now hows. Nothing. I did ask for a different protocol, but by then they were so used to me submissive that they didn't even take another look. Ask in all ways.. even if you are asking about your dogs leg.. if you think that something is not right ask.
Control: Okay so this is something that has changed and intensified. Because most of this process has been out of my control, I want to control everything. I don't feel like this is unnatural. I am also beginning to get annoyed when people are trying to change my mind about things. Let me have this one time to be in control. I have been dreaming and working at this for 6 years. Sometimes part of that control is not wanting help. If I don't ask for it, please stop trying to give it to me. I need this at this time.
Baby Name: I don't know how many times, and how many different ways I have to say this.. We are NOT sharing our babies name. (First we don't know yet what we are having, so stop asking that too!!) Many people have been offensive about this. They hurt my feelings. Don't say you don't like this name, or that you want this name for the baby.. its not happening. Once we know what gender the baby is (other than a Dragon!!) we will give it a nickname, and you are going to have to stick with that, until it's born and you hear the name. By then it will be on a piece of paper and there is no going back. So keep your opinions on this to yourself.
Putting me in uncomfortable situations is going to end badly for anyone involved. Listen, I am not really a confrontational person, I can sit behind a keyboard and harass people a bunch (it is something that I am NOT proud of!!), but if you push me, my "Fight or Flight" is pretty high right now and first I will fight and then I will flight. When I am trying to be quiet and just listen, I don't want to be berated over and over. I cannot control the response that I have. Saying anything negative about the baby, or telling me how I am supposed to feel will have a bad consequence, don't say that I didn't warn you.
I still don't like to talk about the baby. Sometimes I can and can really get on a roll. But, a lot of time I don't want to talk about it. I am nervous, scared, happy, sad, and everything (but mad) all rolled into one. It doesn't feel real. I can't describe it, but I will try. We made our baby in the most "Unique" way, that is becoming a lot more common. We knew that we were pregnant before a lot of couples ever find out that they are pregnant. We have more pictures of our baby than most people do during this time. But, some of the traditional things that couples get to do when they find out they are pregnant go robbed of us. It's not about who is on facebook (because for a while we were NEVER going to share that we were pregnant on their), its not about who talks to who. It is about the joy of getting to share the news, and because of that I don't feel as connected as most people do (YET!!).
Which brings me to my final thought, and this one has been bugging me for a VERY long time: Baby #2. Mischa and I don't know when or if Baby #2 will ever happen. (Honestly, it won't be an attempt until this baby is at least 2 years old. If then.) This baby will not come naturally, I will have to do everything all over again (even possibly another egg retrieval.) IVF has been hard on my body for the 3 years that we have been doing it. I have gone up and down on the scale, my hormones have been to the point I never thought that I would recover. It is hard on the mind, body, and soul. (I am not trying to be political ((that is not my game)) and I am not trying to throw a bunch of religion into the mix ((I pray a lot, but I am not as religious as I should be.)) I have always asked God for one baby. To just give us one baby. That Mischa and I would be happy with one baby. Honestly, I believe that when I stopped praying for particular traits for the baby, is when this all worked (I will be shocked if those are actually what happens. I might even laugh.) Anyways: back to baby #2.. I just don't know. And I want people to stop asking me. Or stop thinking about it. We have to do this first. Also, we are not going to tell anyone when we plan on baby #2, if we do that. It is going to be surprise to everyone. Too many people let slip before we wanted to, that we were pregnant. We are not going down that road again, its not fun.
Okay one more point: I think that people still feel that I have a lot of anger. Also, I think that a lot of people think that I am angry. I have stopped that now. I did have a lot of it. I did harbor a lot of it. But, I think I have softened. I am coming back down to normal (just don't put me on birth control again.) I can tell people that I am pregnant and I don't fear it. (Except I don't like to ask where the maternity section is.. for some reason I get shy.) I even enjoy searching for cool baby things. Slowly I am getting to the point where I am not getting mad a people for being able to become pregnant naturally. I find it easier to engage in normal conversations. I love gossip again and I love talking about peoples love lives (but don't go overboard... I don't need everything.) I feel like slowly "normal" Crystal is coming back. She has just been in hiding for about 3 years. Now, if I could rebuild my friendships, I would be all the way back. Slowly... "Baby" Steps.
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Lots to Say
It seems that everyone has a lot to say about me being pregnant, everyone except me. And I am not talking about the advice that I am getting from friends, I am talking about the constant asking of what am I going to do about this, and what am I going to try to get a buy. To put it this way... I simply don't know. It's my first baby, and I am not sure what I am going to need or want. I also don't know what I am having, yet. So I don't want to make lists and request things just to do it. I want to plan. I want know that I am getting the right things.
I don't want to offend anyone. But, I really want to enjoy this. I feel like I should have that right being that I have been trying, praying, asking, begging, and all around giving up a lot for this. And by this I mean pregnancy. I feel like some people are just trying to take this away, or make it all about them. I am offended by it.
I have always wanted to be honest about all of this process. And now that I have gotten here, I feel like I need to be a hermit about things. Which is not fair at all.
Baby number one is just that baby number one. Mike and I are not thinking, talking, or even making plans for baby number 2. Please stop thinking about more children for us. We want to think about this one. And we want to enjoy this one. There is no time line for number two, other than it will be at the very least 2 years from the time that this one is born. My body has been through a lot in the last 2 to 3 years and it is beginning to go through a lot more. I need to recover. My butt still hurts from shots, I need a break. Please be respectful. Let us get to the end of this, before you decide that we need another.
Maternity Clothes:
This seems to be a big topic, for whatever reason. As of yet, I don't need them. But when I do, I have a lot to think about. First I have to find clothes that are appropriate for work. I don't just want anything. I want nice clothes. These will be my clothes. I will need them from probably June till October and then beyond. As picky as I am about my clothes now, I am going to be equally picky for these clothes. I don't really let people buy me clothes, so I am not going to tell people what I want or where I am going to get it because I want to pick it out. Lets stop with this topic.
Emotions, thoughts, and everything in between:
I have a lot of anxiety over pregnancy. I don't really feel like I am an anxious person! But, I believe that when you have gone through this process and it has taken you more than 4 months then you are going to have a little bit of anxiety. I have just become comfortable with saying that I am pregnant... it only took me 3 months. My girls at work, and a few friends have helped this along. I realized that I am going to blink and it is going to be October, and my baby will be here and Ill be able to drink a coke, eat raw sushi, and have a lunch meat sandwich (all of which I am really crazing, if I am being honest). But, for now I am living in this bliss that time has someone slowed down. I am not ready to do certain things, I am just not. I don't like to talk about the baby every time I open my mouth. I also don't want to talk about what I am eating, if I am eating, and if I am gaining weight. I have a lot to worry about, I am already heavier than I think that I should be going into this, thanks to IVF, so I don't want to gain too much. I just think this: Let me enjoy this pregnancy. Let me worry about all the things, and when the baby comes I am the mom. I am going to to be the one responsible, I can do it. If God, or whoever didn't think that I could, than I wouldn't be here. Lets let this rest for a while!!!!
I don't want to offend anyone. But, I really want to enjoy this. I feel like I should have that right being that I have been trying, praying, asking, begging, and all around giving up a lot for this. And by this I mean pregnancy. I feel like some people are just trying to take this away, or make it all about them. I am offended by it.
I have always wanted to be honest about all of this process. And now that I have gotten here, I feel like I need to be a hermit about things. Which is not fair at all.
Baby number one is just that baby number one. Mike and I are not thinking, talking, or even making plans for baby number 2. Please stop thinking about more children for us. We want to think about this one. And we want to enjoy this one. There is no time line for number two, other than it will be at the very least 2 years from the time that this one is born. My body has been through a lot in the last 2 to 3 years and it is beginning to go through a lot more. I need to recover. My butt still hurts from shots, I need a break. Please be respectful. Let us get to the end of this, before you decide that we need another.
Maternity Clothes:
This seems to be a big topic, for whatever reason. As of yet, I don't need them. But when I do, I have a lot to think about. First I have to find clothes that are appropriate for work. I don't just want anything. I want nice clothes. These will be my clothes. I will need them from probably June till October and then beyond. As picky as I am about my clothes now, I am going to be equally picky for these clothes. I don't really let people buy me clothes, so I am not going to tell people what I want or where I am going to get it because I want to pick it out. Lets stop with this topic.
Emotions, thoughts, and everything in between:
I have a lot of anxiety over pregnancy. I don't really feel like I am an anxious person! But, I believe that when you have gone through this process and it has taken you more than 4 months then you are going to have a little bit of anxiety. I have just become comfortable with saying that I am pregnant... it only took me 3 months. My girls at work, and a few friends have helped this along. I realized that I am going to blink and it is going to be October, and my baby will be here and Ill be able to drink a coke, eat raw sushi, and have a lunch meat sandwich (all of which I am really crazing, if I am being honest). But, for now I am living in this bliss that time has someone slowed down. I am not ready to do certain things, I am just not. I don't like to talk about the baby every time I open my mouth. I also don't want to talk about what I am eating, if I am eating, and if I am gaining weight. I have a lot to worry about, I am already heavier than I think that I should be going into this, thanks to IVF, so I don't want to gain too much. I just think this: Let me enjoy this pregnancy. Let me worry about all the things, and when the baby comes I am the mom. I am going to to be the one responsible, I can do it. If God, or whoever didn't think that I could, than I wouldn't be here. Lets let this rest for a while!!!!
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
welcome back
I guess I have a lot to say now... some of it I am uncomfortable with, but I am going to try and blog a little more than I have been. I miss it, and it helps me keep my sanity.
I'm Pregnant. This is still a shock. Lets back up just a little bit (almost 2 months to be exact, 3 months very soon gestational wise), and see where this all started.
On January 25th, after much back and forth from our IVF clinic we finally transferred ONE (looked to be hatching Embryo)!!!! In my mind, I wasn't sure that this was going to work. I don't think that this would really happen, my lining would not cooperate and after a very bad way to begin the New Year (one of my grandma's died on the 3rd of Jan and the other died on the 6th), I didn't know if I could go through it. But, the day came and we did it. I really like my RE. She is one of the nicest Doctors ever! When I was at my old clinic Doctors that you know did your transfer, at Shady Grove it is whoever is on duty. When we went for a our transfer, we had a Doctor scheduled, and you know that it makes my nerves crazy. The nurse checked us in, I got undressed and then she left the room, to get the Doctor and the transfer nurse. When they came in I almost screamed in excitement, it was my Doctor, Dr. Garde. I was so relieved. She cleared her schedule when she saw that we were on it, so that she could do our transfer. The transfer went well, I laid there for a few extra minutes just joking around with Mike. And of course I had to get up and pee. And then we went to get McDee's fries. (We were trying to eat at this Peruvian restaurant, but they didn't open until 4pm and since we had to wait in Rockville, MD and Mike hates the city... we decided to drive out of MD in rush hour!!!) No, there was no instant knowing that I was pregnant. Honestly I didn't think that I was pregnant. My boobs were pretty heavy, and I had a lot of heartburn, and then weird food habits. I POAS the day that we went for our first Beta test (Beta is what they test your blood for to see if you are pregnant), both were positive. Then you have to make it to Beta 2 and Beta 3. However, they don't tell you that you are pregnant until they see a heartbeat on a sonogram. So you have all these feelings and emotions and you hope and you pray and you ask the people that you have told not to tell anyone, because it can all change in one test... but nothing changed. Thank God!! We graduation from the IVF clinic on March 5th and the next day I had my first OB appointment. (I hate going to the Doctor, I don't like them. But my RE Dr. Garde and my OB Dr. Bell are two of my favorite people in this world. And that is a lot when it is coming from me!!!)
The Shots: (not the fun kind)
I have been taking shots in my bum since December 19th 2017, to say that my bum was sore was and over statement. I begged my OB to let me stop them. But, he said no. We were finally able to stop shots on March 17th. Thank you! Now I have lumps and bumps on my bum and the skin there is not the same from all the bandaids, I am not sure if my bum will ever go back to normal. But, I made it through. I can say I did that.
To say a little about what is going on. I have had "morning" sickness from about 2 weeks past transfer and still have it. Eating is a struggle, drinking is even harder. My OB gave me the morning sickness pill, but I don't really like to take a lot of medication, so I try not to take if I don't have to. This week has been the worst. There have been many times when I was positive that I was going to throw up. I haven't thank goodness. But, I have come really close. If I was complaining, which I said that I would not and so I won't, that would be what I would pick to complain about! I would like the throw up, so that the sensation of being nauseous all day would go away. But, I haven't so, I guess that I am not going to.
Other than that I feel pretty good. I am thankful for every single day that we are pregnant. It is the biggest blessing ever. I am just trying to enjoy all of that, even when people try to take that away from me. My body is slowly changing, and it is weird a scary all at the same time.
So I would like to answer a few more questions that I think that everyone has, I hope that this will clear up everything.
1. There is only one baby in there. If it was twins they would be sharing a lot and would be easily seen on the sonogram. Also we would have seen more heart beats. Just one baby!
2. Yes we are going to find out the gender. No we will not know. We have a friend that can keep a secret like no other. He is going to get the envelop. He will know. We will do a Co-ed gender party. He will go the reveal for us.
3. The baby will not be named until it is born. NO ONE will know it's name until it is born.
4. The baby will NOT be named after anyone in our families.
5. Mike and I have not made any decisions on any baby things. We aren't far enough along and we don't know what we are having, so we are waiting to decide. Once we do, there will be gift registry.
6. We are not totally comfortable talking about the baby yet. We have waited 6 years for this. It is hard to think that this is really happening. Yes we have had some time to try and come to terms with it, but there are things that we are not ready to talk about. Infertility is one of those things that can rob you of any happy feelings that you may have. We take it day by day. Don't push us, I promise that we will become more comfortable with it, it just takes time.
7. We are going to throw our own baby shower. This is something that we want to do.
I think that I have answered most of the questions that I keep getting asked. If I haven't I will try again. For right now this little one and I are trying to get to know each other. And I can't wait to meet him or her!!!
To anyone who is still waiting, I really am rooting for you. I know how it is to wait and wait. Keep up hope. I am praying and sending baby dust to you. Please know that you can do this. That this can work. Any of it can work. Much Love and Baby Dust.
I'm Pregnant. This is still a shock. Lets back up just a little bit (almost 2 months to be exact, 3 months very soon gestational wise), and see where this all started.
On January 25th, after much back and forth from our IVF clinic we finally transferred ONE (looked to be hatching Embryo)!!!! In my mind, I wasn't sure that this was going to work. I don't think that this would really happen, my lining would not cooperate and after a very bad way to begin the New Year (one of my grandma's died on the 3rd of Jan and the other died on the 6th), I didn't know if I could go through it. But, the day came and we did it. I really like my RE. She is one of the nicest Doctors ever! When I was at my old clinic Doctors that you know did your transfer, at Shady Grove it is whoever is on duty. When we went for a our transfer, we had a Doctor scheduled, and you know that it makes my nerves crazy. The nurse checked us in, I got undressed and then she left the room, to get the Doctor and the transfer nurse. When they came in I almost screamed in excitement, it was my Doctor, Dr. Garde. I was so relieved. She cleared her schedule when she saw that we were on it, so that she could do our transfer. The transfer went well, I laid there for a few extra minutes just joking around with Mike. And of course I had to get up and pee. And then we went to get McDee's fries. (We were trying to eat at this Peruvian restaurant, but they didn't open until 4pm and since we had to wait in Rockville, MD and Mike hates the city... we decided to drive out of MD in rush hour!!!) No, there was no instant knowing that I was pregnant. Honestly I didn't think that I was pregnant. My boobs were pretty heavy, and I had a lot of heartburn, and then weird food habits. I POAS the day that we went for our first Beta test (Beta is what they test your blood for to see if you are pregnant), both were positive. Then you have to make it to Beta 2 and Beta 3. However, they don't tell you that you are pregnant until they see a heartbeat on a sonogram. So you have all these feelings and emotions and you hope and you pray and you ask the people that you have told not to tell anyone, because it can all change in one test... but nothing changed. Thank God!! We graduation from the IVF clinic on March 5th and the next day I had my first OB appointment. (I hate going to the Doctor, I don't like them. But my RE Dr. Garde and my OB Dr. Bell are two of my favorite people in this world. And that is a lot when it is coming from me!!!)
The Shots: (not the fun kind)
I have been taking shots in my bum since December 19th 2017, to say that my bum was sore was and over statement. I begged my OB to let me stop them. But, he said no. We were finally able to stop shots on March 17th. Thank you! Now I have lumps and bumps on my bum and the skin there is not the same from all the bandaids, I am not sure if my bum will ever go back to normal. But, I made it through. I can say I did that.
To say a little about what is going on. I have had "morning" sickness from about 2 weeks past transfer and still have it. Eating is a struggle, drinking is even harder. My OB gave me the morning sickness pill, but I don't really like to take a lot of medication, so I try not to take if I don't have to. This week has been the worst. There have been many times when I was positive that I was going to throw up. I haven't thank goodness. But, I have come really close. If I was complaining, which I said that I would not and so I won't, that would be what I would pick to complain about! I would like the throw up, so that the sensation of being nauseous all day would go away. But, I haven't so, I guess that I am not going to.
Other than that I feel pretty good. I am thankful for every single day that we are pregnant. It is the biggest blessing ever. I am just trying to enjoy all of that, even when people try to take that away from me. My body is slowly changing, and it is weird a scary all at the same time.
So I would like to answer a few more questions that I think that everyone has, I hope that this will clear up everything.
1. There is only one baby in there. If it was twins they would be sharing a lot and would be easily seen on the sonogram. Also we would have seen more heart beats. Just one baby!
2. Yes we are going to find out the gender. No we will not know. We have a friend that can keep a secret like no other. He is going to get the envelop. He will know. We will do a Co-ed gender party. He will go the reveal for us.
3. The baby will not be named until it is born. NO ONE will know it's name until it is born.
4. The baby will NOT be named after anyone in our families.
5. Mike and I have not made any decisions on any baby things. We aren't far enough along and we don't know what we are having, so we are waiting to decide. Once we do, there will be gift registry.
6. We are not totally comfortable talking about the baby yet. We have waited 6 years for this. It is hard to think that this is really happening. Yes we have had some time to try and come to terms with it, but there are things that we are not ready to talk about. Infertility is one of those things that can rob you of any happy feelings that you may have. We take it day by day. Don't push us, I promise that we will become more comfortable with it, it just takes time.
7. We are going to throw our own baby shower. This is something that we want to do.
I think that I have answered most of the questions that I keep getting asked. If I haven't I will try again. For right now this little one and I are trying to get to know each other. And I can't wait to meet him or her!!!
To anyone who is still waiting, I really am rooting for you. I know how it is to wait and wait. Keep up hope. I am praying and sending baby dust to you. Please know that you can do this. That this can work. Any of it can work. Much Love and Baby Dust.
Friday, January 12, 2018
Why Me?
I have been asking that a lot lately. My path has been a rough one, I am not settled. I call this FET the long dragged out one. And I just can't catch a break or catch up. Sometimes I just wish that I could myself a bubble on in pause mode until this is all over. That I don't have to miss days of work, or get up at the but crack of dawn, to drive for and hour and a half and then have a 15 min appointment. But, that is me, that is the path that I have choose.
After our last failed attempt, we were supposed to have a FET transfer on December 18th. But, I didn't get my period on time for that, so they moved me to January 8th. I started steroids and estrogen in December, right before Christmas, and was on birth control for most of the month. Then at my lining check on the 3rd, it wasn't where it was supposed to be. My nurse said that it would change by a few days. Well, on my next check on Sunday the 7th, it was still not an 8. The 10th is still not an 8. And so I have another appointment on Sunday, and I am sure that it will still not be an 8. To say I am grumpy is an understatement. To think that this round of shots will be for nothing makes me bitter. To think that I might have gained even more weight just for me not to transfer is outrageous. But, it is the never ending cycle. Also, I have started to have pre-period symptoms. So i really feel like it is just around the corner, and my nurse will not answer, as to if this is a red light or not. Why Me?
I saw one of my Aunt's today, that I haven't seen in a long time. She told me how beautiful that I was, she tells me this a lot, so I know that she means it. But, today I am just not feeling that way. I had to tell her why. She is also one of the first people that we told when we were trying naturally. I remember those days. Even though I feel like they were 100 years ago. Sometimes, I am not sure if I will ever not remember every little part of this entire thing. My cousins wife was asking me how I was, and how things are going. And I told her that I feel tortured. She brought up a good point, I will feel that way until I got the end result of what I want. True.
These days I feel bad about many choices that I make. One more glass of tea? Why not? One more carb, sure? Dairy, yep! I should stop it all. But, they just keep putting me off that I just don't see a reason to stop. I just want to feel normal. I do believe in this process, I believe in my clinic and the team of Doctors. I don't believe that they would not want me to be pregnant. Not, like UVA. I don't know that they had any interest in growing my family. They were just out to make money. And there I was willing to give it. I told ya, bad choices.
I also want to say that since I have been off of "Facebook," I feel a lot better. I feel like I don't have to explain every time that I blink. I do feel some disconnect. I don't know what is going on, and I have to rely on Mischa to tell me. But, it's okay. It is not the place for me. It's not where I belong.
Lastly: Have you ever felt the feeling of being in a room of people that you are related to, and not knowing anything about them? I felt that today. It was so strange. As I was looking over at them, I felt like they were strangers. I think that I have felt that for a while. Maybe all of my life. Like I am sitting outside, just beyond that wall... they know nothing about me and I equally know nothing about them. It was weird. But, then again Why, me?
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
Welp
In a perfect world people wouldn't be so offended all the time. But, seeing as it is not... well you get the picture.u k
First off, this is MY blog. If you are offended then you don't have to read it. Second, my intentions have always been the same to tell you about MY journey, to educate about infertility, and to be a voice for people who may not want to talk about it or just want to remain silent. Third, I am a person, behind these keys I have thoughts feelings and emotions and sometimes my feelings get hurt.
I have left facebook. I haven't deleted it yet, because I haven't had the time to get all my photos off of it. My photos are very important to me. So until Mischa can get them for me it will be up, but I will no longer be signing in. To me Facebook is on big fat joke. It used to be a great way to network or keep in touch with people that are far away. Now it is one big political mess and one big way to piss people off or hurt people. I want no part of politics, I don't watch the news. People are voted in and then a get on with my day. I badly want to keep in touch with many people. I want to see family photos and all you crazy pet parents. But, I want no part of facebook anymore. If I know you personally in some way, then I am okay with giving you my phone number and staying in touch that way. Otherwise, I will be here.
I made a post on Instagram (and facebook) and at the time I was VERY upset. Sometimes, I cannot deal with my emotions and I will post and just let things come out. The back lash from that post was something that I was not expecting. I take ownership of what I said. Even though I acted, the intent behind it was something that I meant. The delivery might not have been the best, but that is okay. Incase you missed it, I said that I was going to delete anyone who didn't tell me about their pregnancy first. Which I believe is my right. If I am upset, then why can't I do that? And then... people told me how I was supposed to feel. How I was supposed to react. Telling me that I can't tell people what to put where... However, aren't you telling me the same thing? Yes.
If you talk to me. Meaning you private message me, or you chat on my posts.. isn't that you keeping in contact with me? So then, why would you not say hey we are pregnant? Do you think that I would say something awful? Well here is the kicker, I'm not. If you ask the 3 people that have had the kindness to do that to me, all of them will tell you that I was really excited for them. And I really am. I just need time. Time to myself to process my feelings. I have to greave for myself. I have to figure out how I am going to deal with me. And NONE of it has anything to do with you. None of it.
I think that my post is one reason that many people remain silent about the fertility issues. Because having to deal with the comments that people leave you that they feel is okay is half the battle. People think that we are being dramatic, but the thing is we really don't know how to deal with any of this. Infertility does not come with instructions. And many people have many different reactions to it. It isn't fair for some one to say that this is how you feel. Sometimes we don't know how we feel. I cried about a dozen times to the different ways that people were reacting to my post. The shame that I was getting. I really want to no defend myself. And then I had one thought, I got into this publicly because I did not defend myself. So I did just that.
You can say what you want. But, until you experience it you won't know how it feels. I want to be supportive to whoever needs it. I want to express to you that if you think that you are having a hard time starting your family then don't wait, please go and find out what is going on. I also want to say that if you know someone, other than me, that is going through this some of the best things that you are do are: LISTEN, BE KIND, BE SUPPORTIVE and let them know that they are not alone. Sometimes I feel really alone. I KNOW that not everyone agrees with what I say. I will say that until I am blue in the face. That is NOT what is about. But, I want you to be kind, and not just to me. Before you type what you are typing in a response to what I am thinking, please THINK about how I MIGHT take it. I don't want a sugar coat, I just want kindness.
First off, this is MY blog. If you are offended then you don't have to read it. Second, my intentions have always been the same to tell you about MY journey, to educate about infertility, and to be a voice for people who may not want to talk about it or just want to remain silent. Third, I am a person, behind these keys I have thoughts feelings and emotions and sometimes my feelings get hurt.
I have left facebook. I haven't deleted it yet, because I haven't had the time to get all my photos off of it. My photos are very important to me. So until Mischa can get them for me it will be up, but I will no longer be signing in. To me Facebook is on big fat joke. It used to be a great way to network or keep in touch with people that are far away. Now it is one big political mess and one big way to piss people off or hurt people. I want no part of politics, I don't watch the news. People are voted in and then a get on with my day. I badly want to keep in touch with many people. I want to see family photos and all you crazy pet parents. But, I want no part of facebook anymore. If I know you personally in some way, then I am okay with giving you my phone number and staying in touch that way. Otherwise, I will be here.
I made a post on Instagram (and facebook) and at the time I was VERY upset. Sometimes, I cannot deal with my emotions and I will post and just let things come out. The back lash from that post was something that I was not expecting. I take ownership of what I said. Even though I acted, the intent behind it was something that I meant. The delivery might not have been the best, but that is okay. Incase you missed it, I said that I was going to delete anyone who didn't tell me about their pregnancy first. Which I believe is my right. If I am upset, then why can't I do that? And then... people told me how I was supposed to feel. How I was supposed to react. Telling me that I can't tell people what to put where... However, aren't you telling me the same thing? Yes.
If you talk to me. Meaning you private message me, or you chat on my posts.. isn't that you keeping in contact with me? So then, why would you not say hey we are pregnant? Do you think that I would say something awful? Well here is the kicker, I'm not. If you ask the 3 people that have had the kindness to do that to me, all of them will tell you that I was really excited for them. And I really am. I just need time. Time to myself to process my feelings. I have to greave for myself. I have to figure out how I am going to deal with me. And NONE of it has anything to do with you. None of it.
I think that my post is one reason that many people remain silent about the fertility issues. Because having to deal with the comments that people leave you that they feel is okay is half the battle. People think that we are being dramatic, but the thing is we really don't know how to deal with any of this. Infertility does not come with instructions. And many people have many different reactions to it. It isn't fair for some one to say that this is how you feel. Sometimes we don't know how we feel. I cried about a dozen times to the different ways that people were reacting to my post. The shame that I was getting. I really want to no defend myself. And then I had one thought, I got into this publicly because I did not defend myself. So I did just that.
You can say what you want. But, until you experience it you won't know how it feels. I want to be supportive to whoever needs it. I want to express to you that if you think that you are having a hard time starting your family then don't wait, please go and find out what is going on. I also want to say that if you know someone, other than me, that is going through this some of the best things that you are do are: LISTEN, BE KIND, BE SUPPORTIVE and let them know that they are not alone. Sometimes I feel really alone. I KNOW that not everyone agrees with what I say. I will say that until I am blue in the face. That is NOT what is about. But, I want you to be kind, and not just to me. Before you type what you are typing in a response to what I am thinking, please THINK about how I MIGHT take it. I don't want a sugar coat, I just want kindness.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Blood thinners, shots, and more shots
I forgot to update you... whoops
It has been a tornado of a week. We had our WTF appointment on Wednesday. (I never knew that it was called that...but yeah it is.) I think that it was the most nervous that I have been the entire time. Because in the past our clinic has said... "well the embryos look good, but you can't make them implant." Yeah that is awesome. Such a great answer. To be honest I was waiting for Dr. Garde so say that. I was waiting for that bomb to drop.
That bomb NEVER dropped. First of all she was really empathetic. After being really nice and encouraging she let us ask our questions. She wasn't talking over us, she wasn't not answering us. She was listening and providing her recommendations and answers. Dr. Garde is AMAZING. Dr. Garde believes that we have an implanting issue. She said that our IVF was successful, but the transfer was not. We basically told her that we wanted to try whatever, without endangering my health.
I asked first about and Endometrium Scratch. They do them. However, they do a biopsy of the cells that they scrape. This takes some time. We wouldn't be able to transfer until Jan or Feb. They close for week in December for Christmas and the New year (one of the only times that they close.) We want to transfer one more time this year, and because I couldn't talk to her right away, we got pushed back to December. However, if this FET does not work, (she has every reason to believe that this time will result in a pregnancy, I want to be as hopeful as she is, I am getting there) then we can do the scratch. We also asked about PGS testing. This is a test to make sure that the embryos have the proper number of chromosomes. This could be a reason for them not implanting. Dr. Garde doesn't recommend this at this time. Only because they have to unfreeze the Embryos, test them, refreeze them, and then un thaw them again at the time of transfer. There is a possibility that even if they test normal that they may no make it through the process. If we push to the new year, and do another IVF cycle, all the Embryos can be tested. Before they are frozen, along with the one that is still frozen. But, this pushes back everything. So at this time we are not doing that.
So what are we doing? New meds. As I said about Dr. Garde believes that we have an implantation problem. When she recommends is doing a frozen transfer in December. But, we are going all shots this time (thank the lord!!!) and we are changing things up a bit. I am going to be on a blood thinner and a steroid to help my lining. And Dr. Garde said while there is no data to back up these meds helping the Embryo implant, the have proof that for whatever reason the Embryos stick. So I am gong to be torturing myself. At one point I think I will be doing 4 shots in a day. But, if it works, then it will be all worth it.
I am nervous. So many shots. But, I will make it. And I am greatful that we went to another clinic. Because I feel so much better on that end. They don't see me as a number. They see me as someone who wants to have a baby. And they seem like they are invested in this outcome. Which I hope is the case, and I am not just seeing this with blinders on. So for now I leave you with love and baby dust.
It has been a tornado of a week. We had our WTF appointment on Wednesday. (I never knew that it was called that...but yeah it is.) I think that it was the most nervous that I have been the entire time. Because in the past our clinic has said... "well the embryos look good, but you can't make them implant." Yeah that is awesome. Such a great answer. To be honest I was waiting for Dr. Garde so say that. I was waiting for that bomb to drop.
That bomb NEVER dropped. First of all she was really empathetic. After being really nice and encouraging she let us ask our questions. She wasn't talking over us, she wasn't not answering us. She was listening and providing her recommendations and answers. Dr. Garde is AMAZING. Dr. Garde believes that we have an implanting issue. She said that our IVF was successful, but the transfer was not. We basically told her that we wanted to try whatever, without endangering my health.
I asked first about and Endometrium Scratch. They do them. However, they do a biopsy of the cells that they scrape. This takes some time. We wouldn't be able to transfer until Jan or Feb. They close for week in December for Christmas and the New year (one of the only times that they close.) We want to transfer one more time this year, and because I couldn't talk to her right away, we got pushed back to December. However, if this FET does not work, (she has every reason to believe that this time will result in a pregnancy, I want to be as hopeful as she is, I am getting there) then we can do the scratch. We also asked about PGS testing. This is a test to make sure that the embryos have the proper number of chromosomes. This could be a reason for them not implanting. Dr. Garde doesn't recommend this at this time. Only because they have to unfreeze the Embryos, test them, refreeze them, and then un thaw them again at the time of transfer. There is a possibility that even if they test normal that they may no make it through the process. If we push to the new year, and do another IVF cycle, all the Embryos can be tested. Before they are frozen, along with the one that is still frozen. But, this pushes back everything. So at this time we are not doing that.
So what are we doing? New meds. As I said about Dr. Garde believes that we have an implantation problem. When she recommends is doing a frozen transfer in December. But, we are going all shots this time (thank the lord!!!) and we are changing things up a bit. I am going to be on a blood thinner and a steroid to help my lining. And Dr. Garde said while there is no data to back up these meds helping the Embryo implant, the have proof that for whatever reason the Embryos stick. So I am gong to be torturing myself. At one point I think I will be doing 4 shots in a day. But, if it works, then it will be all worth it.
I am nervous. So many shots. But, I will make it. And I am greatful that we went to another clinic. Because I feel so much better on that end. They don't see me as a number. They see me as someone who wants to have a baby. And they seem like they are invested in this outcome. Which I hope is the case, and I am not just seeing this with blinders on. So for now I leave you with love and baby dust.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)