Such a simple question, but what's the answer?
Is it a new job?
Talking to a friend?
Getting answers to questions that you have?
What is it?
I am determined to spend May happy! No matter what! No matter what comes this month. I cannot yet tell you what my news is. There are still some things that I have to do to make it official. Just hang in there and you will see.
Oh yeah...
What my happiness looks like..
Staying away from the drama as much as I can. Doing things that make me happy. Taking walks with my dog, picking flowers, singing (even though I really can't), reading books, sitting by the water.
I also don't want to be the one person who walks into the room and sucks all the energy out of it. I am trying hard not to be that person. I also want to allow people to be honest with me and not take it personally. Oh and I am not going to think that everything is my fault. I tend to think that the reason people are mean or just anything has something to do with me. I need to stop that. I cannot control other people. I can only control what I think, do, and act.
So maybe I didn't answer my own question. But I am really trying to be happy. And I am determined that May will make it that way!
Monday, May 4, 2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
I want to remind you....
I am NOT doing this for attention. If fact if you truly know me, I really don't like that much attention. To the fact that I am writing a blog shocks me. Only because I know that people are reading it. But, I am writing blog posts and cluing people in because it makes me feel better.
I know that people are asking, then why do it in a public way? Well, the simple answer is because so many people ask me things all the time. And so that I don't have to repeat myself so many times I just write them down (type them out, I see you there.) Writing has always made me feel better. I would journal in class when I was supposed to be paying attention. I would write things down, when I was supposed to taking notes in class. Getting thoughts down on paper have always been a release for me. I'm not saying that am or was an unhappy person. I'm just saying that I had thoughts, ideas, or things to say and I didn't want to always say them out loud. I also liked when I went on a trip to write down things that were going on. Sometimes, that I got me in trouble. Because, lets be honest I can be hateful.
I know that people think that I am really sweet person, which I really can be. But, I can also be very HATEFUL. Honestly, I'm not sure if it is me being hateful or I'm being honest. Maybe it is the delivery in which I say it, or how I say it, I don't really know. But, I really do try to consider others feelings. I sometimes, just can't take when they don't consider mine and then I let it go like word vomit. We all have a place where we can't take it any longer. Some of us it takes a lot longer to get there. Some of us let it fester and grow and then everything becomes a negative. I fall somewhere in the middle. I take a while to get there, but when I get there I will find every single thing I can to make you feel like you have made me feel. To the point of going overboard, and to begin to criticize things. Again, I'm not sure what you want to call it, but it is what it is and I can't change it. Trust me I have tried.
I don't work on friendships anymore. I don't know if this is because I'm working on other things and they are taking a lot or if I just want to be a hermit and I don't have time for things. It isn't that I don't want to hang out and have fun with friends, it is just that if it is a ton of work, I won't try to work on it. That is honest.
I am also at a place where some things really don't bother me. I know that I have burned a lot of bridges and a lot of people. Normally, I want to fix it. I want to try and be different. Do you know how exhausting that is?? I cannot fix EVERYTHING, I have tried. I just chalk it up to more word vomit (Thank you Mean Girls ((the movie)), for coming up with the phrase, I have loved it since then.) Let's face it I have horrible word vomit. I am really trying to fix that, mainly just a filter. But I have learned that if the bridge is burnt, then I need to let it go. I need to be done with it and I need to move on. It's hard, but I try.
I also over analyze and rethink almost everything. I can remember things that I have said and how they affect people. Then I will look back on it and feel like an ass because of what I have said or how I acted. Sometimes I wish that I could see how guilty I'll feel before I act that way, so that I don't do it. Something that none of us have the ability to do. So this is something that will just be there.
Back to the not wanting anyone to think that I am doing this for attention...
I'm not sure why I had to even go there. It is just the things that people say and do that make me think that they are thinking I want attention. What I want is to feel better. I want to look back on this time in my life and laugh, or say what the hell. I want answers, and I am not sure how to get them. (Answers to what needs to be saved for another time.) If in thinking that I write this for attention then please read my posts and give me attention. By helping me answer my question. If you just enjoy reading this, or are on the journey with me. Keep on reading. Bottom line, I am not an attention whore. I am some that thought when I got to my 30 year old self, my life would be a little bit different. I know that life never turns out like you planned, but it has to go some what the way you want it. I know there are only a few things that would look different, but those are the hardest things. Also, while we are on the subject, if you think that I am an attention whore, why are you reading this? You don't have to. You can ignore when I post them to facebook. You have free will, I'm not making you read. So, I know that this is going to make people mad. It seems as if every blog that I write that is not about my fertility struggles pisses people off, so I know that someone will be angry. Someone will decide that they don't want to be my "friend" any more. But, you know what I really don't care. Delete me please. Unfriend me please. I think that I might just take my own advice. I think that it is time to clear the list. Who knows what I will do. I do know that I will keep blogging. I will keep pissing people off. It's what I do.
I know that people are asking, then why do it in a public way? Well, the simple answer is because so many people ask me things all the time. And so that I don't have to repeat myself so many times I just write them down (type them out, I see you there.) Writing has always made me feel better. I would journal in class when I was supposed to be paying attention. I would write things down, when I was supposed to taking notes in class. Getting thoughts down on paper have always been a release for me. I'm not saying that am or was an unhappy person. I'm just saying that I had thoughts, ideas, or things to say and I didn't want to always say them out loud. I also liked when I went on a trip to write down things that were going on. Sometimes, that I got me in trouble. Because, lets be honest I can be hateful.
I know that people think that I am really sweet person, which I really can be. But, I can also be very HATEFUL. Honestly, I'm not sure if it is me being hateful or I'm being honest. Maybe it is the delivery in which I say it, or how I say it, I don't really know. But, I really do try to consider others feelings. I sometimes, just can't take when they don't consider mine and then I let it go like word vomit. We all have a place where we can't take it any longer. Some of us it takes a lot longer to get there. Some of us let it fester and grow and then everything becomes a negative. I fall somewhere in the middle. I take a while to get there, but when I get there I will find every single thing I can to make you feel like you have made me feel. To the point of going overboard, and to begin to criticize things. Again, I'm not sure what you want to call it, but it is what it is and I can't change it. Trust me I have tried.
I don't work on friendships anymore. I don't know if this is because I'm working on other things and they are taking a lot or if I just want to be a hermit and I don't have time for things. It isn't that I don't want to hang out and have fun with friends, it is just that if it is a ton of work, I won't try to work on it. That is honest.
I am also at a place where some things really don't bother me. I know that I have burned a lot of bridges and a lot of people. Normally, I want to fix it. I want to try and be different. Do you know how exhausting that is?? I cannot fix EVERYTHING, I have tried. I just chalk it up to more word vomit (Thank you Mean Girls ((the movie)), for coming up with the phrase, I have loved it since then.) Let's face it I have horrible word vomit. I am really trying to fix that, mainly just a filter. But I have learned that if the bridge is burnt, then I need to let it go. I need to be done with it and I need to move on. It's hard, but I try.
I also over analyze and rethink almost everything. I can remember things that I have said and how they affect people. Then I will look back on it and feel like an ass because of what I have said or how I acted. Sometimes I wish that I could see how guilty I'll feel before I act that way, so that I don't do it. Something that none of us have the ability to do. So this is something that will just be there.
Back to the not wanting anyone to think that I am doing this for attention...
I'm not sure why I had to even go there. It is just the things that people say and do that make me think that they are thinking I want attention. What I want is to feel better. I want to look back on this time in my life and laugh, or say what the hell. I want answers, and I am not sure how to get them. (Answers to what needs to be saved for another time.) If in thinking that I write this for attention then please read my posts and give me attention. By helping me answer my question. If you just enjoy reading this, or are on the journey with me. Keep on reading. Bottom line, I am not an attention whore. I am some that thought when I got to my 30 year old self, my life would be a little bit different. I know that life never turns out like you planned, but it has to go some what the way you want it. I know there are only a few things that would look different, but those are the hardest things. Also, while we are on the subject, if you think that I am an attention whore, why are you reading this? You don't have to. You can ignore when I post them to facebook. You have free will, I'm not making you read. So, I know that this is going to make people mad. It seems as if every blog that I write that is not about my fertility struggles pisses people off, so I know that someone will be angry. Someone will decide that they don't want to be my "friend" any more. But, you know what I really don't care. Delete me please. Unfriend me please. I think that I might just take my own advice. I think that it is time to clear the list. Who knows what I will do. I do know that I will keep blogging. I will keep pissing people off. It's what I do.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Just two kids with a dream
We were just two kids with a dream.....
and we hoped that what we dreamed for would come true. At first they were mild stepping stones...
High School Graduation
College
College Graduation
Getting a house
Getting married
and then....
Having babies.
Now we are two adults with big dreams...
Whatever they might be. We have come to a point, a point that we are not sure of where it will go. It has been about a month that they said we needed to have this test and we are in no rush to do it. It's an all day trip. It also may or may not tell us if we can have babies or not. For 16 years we have been each other's best friend. Sure we have had other bests between now and then, but we have been each other's best almost from the day we met. 2 years later we started dating, and 10 years after that we got married. We have done everything in time. We know each other very well. We know what we want. It's not going to come easy, but we will get there. Behind everyone else. That is just the way it goes for us.
I want everyone to know...
I am 100% okay being around pregnant people. I am really 100% happy for you. Please don't think that you can't invite me to something because I can't be around kids that is 1000% false. I can talk about your kids or babies and be okay. I'm not going to have a melt down. Please feel free to feel bad for me though. But don't harp on it. I'm sad, I won't lie about it.
If you are going to talk about people that shouldn't be parents, I'm not game. If you are going to talk about how bad people treat their kids I don't want to talk about that either. I don't want to be reminded that they can easily have kids. I know how unfair this world is and I don't need you to tell me about it all the time.
I also want you to know that my husband has gotten in the habit of telling me often how much he wants a little person. Which means that it is almost daily. We want this, we really do. We are not settling for something else, we are not settling. We are just taking our time. Maybe we shouldn't be, but that is how it is.
Okay so...
We are still two kids with dreams, we just became adults.
We still want a lot of things, we just have to really work for them.
One day they will all happen, and you will see it!
Saturday, April 4, 2015
A day in the life...
Disclaimer: I am not trying to be funny about this, nor am I claiming that I know everything about being Bipolar. I am not Bipolar, but I think that I am around many people that are. It is a struggle and I believe people who have it need to seek help.
What I wouldn't give to have some consistency. I do not enjoy going in and things being different from one day to another. I am a pretty flexible person, I can do different jobs, that is not the problem. Rules changing day in and day out, I cannot handle that. I also cannot handle feeling like I am doing something wrong or harming a child and no one telling me.
In the past week I have gone from.... having my own room, helping another teacher, promised that I will have my own room, almost being sent home (not even the middle of the day), being asked if I have a college degree (yes), asked for a copy, then being told that I would be considered for lead teacher and other opportunities, being sent home early after I have said that I need to work, being called and having my schedule changed, and finally in that call being told that I would be sharing my room with someone else.
I CANNOT HANDLE THIS!!!!
Maybe I don't understand. I worked in a school, that seemed pretty simple. I worked directly with teachers and the principal. The principal told me that she would hire me there if a position ever became available. I did great work.... and now I am down to this. I don't get it. I am great with kids. I can bond with the difficult ones, and I work really hard to help them succeed!
Now this, daily it is something different. You are not paying enough attention, you don't know how to do that, you need trained. PUMP THE BREAKS!!! I was NEVER trained. I read a book, and then everything I have been doing has been something that someone who works there has told me to do. You don't have training. I got diaper trained by reading a paper.... AND you want me to work off the clock?? Um I don't get paid enough on the clock, why would I work off the clock??? I'm not, not now not ever. If that makes me a bad teacher so be it. If it is ever said that I hurt a child, I will walk off the job. I have never EVER hurt a child, and I never will.
Realization:
This line of work is not for me. I thought that it was, but clearly I am not cut out for it. I love kids, but I don't love this. I'm almost 30 years old and I had to learn the hard way that this will not work for me. I have no benefits, no time off, no nothing. Not even job security. I need something different. I also need 2 weeks on the beach with no cell phone and no care in the world. I'll settle for a weekend at the lake with puppies.
So that's it, if you are confused you know how I feel. That is how I feel daily. I hope to have it chang. Pray that good things come my way!
What I wouldn't give to have some consistency. I do not enjoy going in and things being different from one day to another. I am a pretty flexible person, I can do different jobs, that is not the problem. Rules changing day in and day out, I cannot handle that. I also cannot handle feeling like I am doing something wrong or harming a child and no one telling me.
In the past week I have gone from.... having my own room, helping another teacher, promised that I will have my own room, almost being sent home (not even the middle of the day), being asked if I have a college degree (yes), asked for a copy, then being told that I would be considered for lead teacher and other opportunities, being sent home early after I have said that I need to work, being called and having my schedule changed, and finally in that call being told that I would be sharing my room with someone else.
I CANNOT HANDLE THIS!!!!
Maybe I don't understand. I worked in a school, that seemed pretty simple. I worked directly with teachers and the principal. The principal told me that she would hire me there if a position ever became available. I did great work.... and now I am down to this. I don't get it. I am great with kids. I can bond with the difficult ones, and I work really hard to help them succeed!
Now this, daily it is something different. You are not paying enough attention, you don't know how to do that, you need trained. PUMP THE BREAKS!!! I was NEVER trained. I read a book, and then everything I have been doing has been something that someone who works there has told me to do. You don't have training. I got diaper trained by reading a paper.... AND you want me to work off the clock?? Um I don't get paid enough on the clock, why would I work off the clock??? I'm not, not now not ever. If that makes me a bad teacher so be it. If it is ever said that I hurt a child, I will walk off the job. I have never EVER hurt a child, and I never will.
Realization:
This line of work is not for me. I thought that it was, but clearly I am not cut out for it. I love kids, but I don't love this. I'm almost 30 years old and I had to learn the hard way that this will not work for me. I have no benefits, no time off, no nothing. Not even job security. I need something different. I also need 2 weeks on the beach with no cell phone and no care in the world. I'll settle for a weekend at the lake with puppies.
So that's it, if you are confused you know how I feel. That is how I feel daily. I hope to have it chang. Pray that good things come my way!
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
It's Only March...
To be honest, I'm not sure where this switch came. I just had a random thought and thinking about it actually makes me feel better.
Ready??
It's ONLY March!!!
Since 2015 has began I have been thinking about the end of the year instead of that it is only the beginning. I have counted the days, more like the months since 12:01 am 1/1/2015. I need to stop, I want to stop. So I decided to look at is this way...
There is still 9 months left in this year. I need to stop thinking about the year being over. It's hard but I can do it. I'm really hopeful. I'm looking at this as a glass half full kind of deal. I just need to think this way.
When your mental health is in check, the rest of you can be in check as well. It is hard to get there but you have to push, you have to find it in you to change. I am not saying that I am depressed, but that could be a spiral that I can go down, I do not want to. I understand that mental illness is not something that you can choose, but it is something that you can fight, I plan to fight and battle those demons.
So I ask what makes you happy?
Cuddles
Hugs
Tea
Family
Dogs
Hubby
Movies
Hearing kids laugh
Good Friends
The beach
Blankets
Sleeping in
Doing nothing
Shopping
Walks
Mexican Food
Popcorn
Okay there is a few. There wasn't much to this blog, I just wanted to say that I have changed my view. I hope that people are still following me and they are not sick and tired of things that I have to say.
By the way... It's only MARCH!
Ready??
It's ONLY March!!!
Since 2015 has began I have been thinking about the end of the year instead of that it is only the beginning. I have counted the days, more like the months since 12:01 am 1/1/2015. I need to stop, I want to stop. So I decided to look at is this way...
There is still 9 months left in this year. I need to stop thinking about the year being over. It's hard but I can do it. I'm really hopeful. I'm looking at this as a glass half full kind of deal. I just need to think this way.
When your mental health is in check, the rest of you can be in check as well. It is hard to get there but you have to push, you have to find it in you to change. I am not saying that I am depressed, but that could be a spiral that I can go down, I do not want to. I understand that mental illness is not something that you can choose, but it is something that you can fight, I plan to fight and battle those demons.
So I ask what makes you happy?
Cuddles
Hugs
Tea
Family
Dogs
Hubby
Movies
Hearing kids laugh
Good Friends
The beach
Blankets
Sleeping in
Doing nothing
Shopping
Walks
Mexican Food
Popcorn
Okay there is a few. There wasn't much to this blog, I just wanted to say that I have changed my view. I hope that people are still following me and they are not sick and tired of things that I have to say.
By the way... It's only MARCH!
Saturday, March 7, 2015
I should not have googled that
Sometimes google is not my friend, in this case I should have left this up to chance. (Now I'm hesitant.)
Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. My appointment was at 4:10,but the nurse came in and asked if I would be willing to wait because Dr. M wanted to give me her undivided attention. Umm, who wouldn't want that?? I said I don't mind. Dr. M is very friendly, as I have mentioned before she is a small lady (now I am short, but I am taller than she is), she is African-British (Okay, I'm not sure if that is a correct term, but she is from England, which in my book gives her mad props, and makes me like her even more) and she is very talkative, she will explain everything to me and I really like that. She came in and asked how I was doing, and I said: "I could be better, if I was pregnant." Dr. M laughed and apologized. I told her it was okay, I was kind of used to this now, and I don't expect different anymore. She said that I needed to be hopeful, and that I had been trying for some time, so I am probably starting to feel defeated. Dr. M talked to me about the medication I had been taking, since November and explained that I could no longer get any more. Dr. M asked me if I knew when I was ovulating now, I said yes I could finally tell, or maybe I had been paying more attention and then I take the ovulation test and usually get a positive answer, then we have intercourse. (Not that you needed to know ANY of that, but that is what she asked and that is what I answered.) Then....
(okay probably not exactly what she said, but how I remember it..)
"Well my dear we have come to a point where you have to decide what you want to do next, there are really two options and you are young so you can do them both or you can do just one, it is up to you."
(Okay, Yes! She said I was young. I don't feel young, and I told her this.)
"That is because everyone around here has kids when they are 18, when I worked in Maryland everyone waited to have kids and you fall into that group. Some even waited till they were 35, but lets not wait till you're 40."
(Okay! That really does make me feel good... I am not being sarcastic here.)
"You can keep on trying and have no further testing and see if you are pregnant by the 2 year mark in August, or longer if you like. Or you can go and have a Hysterosalpingogram... Okay your face is telling me that you don't know what that is. It is where dye is injected into the uterus and they can see if your tubes are blocked or your uterus is misshapen. We recommend going down to UVA, and they will conduct a sperm analysis for your husband at the same time. Let me go and get the picture of the uterus and show you."
(Wait a minute, they are going to put what in what and read what and see what and tell me what???? They are going to check the Hubby's swimmers right? Did I ask that? Oh I am going to ask that to make sure.)
"Here is the uterus, they put dye in a tube, and insert it here, and then watch to see what happens, they they go from there. Bad news your insurance won't cover infertility. Now, if you are blocked you may have to go straight to IVF, because you know when you are ovulating and it could get fertilized in your tube and then a tubal pregnancy could occur and that is not viable and it is not safe to you. They could give your husband Clomid if his sperm is not active enough, or do other things to boost him. They could decided that you need fertility injections, they could extract your husband's sperm and shoot it up your uterus so that the sperm doesn't have to do as much work. Usually IVF is the last option, and the most expensive. Would you like me to get you the information?"
.
After a few more questions Dr. M walked out to get the nurse and get the information for me. I walked out of the office with my head swimming, asking for a miracle. Knowing that it may not happen. I feel like this is taking forever, but I know that forever will come. And as a great friend told me, you have to know when it is time to quit, when enough is enough. I haven't reached it yet. I think of how far I (yes me not we) have come. I used to fear going to the doctor. I would have so much anxiety that I would cry in the office before they would call me back. If they even mentioned a shot or needle I would panic. I can now go to the doctor's on my own, AND I can get blood drawn on my own. When Dr. M mention injections, I thought of the people that could give them to me, knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it myself, but knowing that there are a few people that can do it to me. When the talk of more doctor's appointments came up I didn't freak out. I am also less mad about all of this these days and more confused. I always ask if we are doing something wrong. The answer seems to be no.
One more thing... I should have not googled Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), I am a little freaked out. I have to lay down a basically have a pap smear performed without the smear part. They will insert the duck (whatever that clamp is called that opens you up), then wash my cervix with a special soap (wait that doesn't see the light of day... why does it need washed??), then insert a tube with the dye in it, and squirt the dye and watch it go, which can take up to 30 minutes. Please say that I am going to be sedated some how? I don't know if I can lay still that long. Oh yeah, I will have to take a full day off of work. Which they will not like, and hubby has to have a day off too. And all this has to be done and scheduled 2 days after my period to make sure that I am not pregnant. Umm wait, I can't get pregnant...so why do I have to be sure? And I have to ask off for 2 weeks in advance. And my hubby is only off for maybe 2 days and that is after he works 4. When will this all happen? Breathe, please breathe.... Don't google everything. It will scare the hell out of you!!!
Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. My appointment was at 4:10,but the nurse came in and asked if I would be willing to wait because Dr. M wanted to give me her undivided attention. Umm, who wouldn't want that?? I said I don't mind. Dr. M is very friendly, as I have mentioned before she is a small lady (now I am short, but I am taller than she is), she is African-British (Okay, I'm not sure if that is a correct term, but she is from England, which in my book gives her mad props, and makes me like her even more) and she is very talkative, she will explain everything to me and I really like that. She came in and asked how I was doing, and I said: "I could be better, if I was pregnant." Dr. M laughed and apologized. I told her it was okay, I was kind of used to this now, and I don't expect different anymore. She said that I needed to be hopeful, and that I had been trying for some time, so I am probably starting to feel defeated. Dr. M talked to me about the medication I had been taking, since November and explained that I could no longer get any more. Dr. M asked me if I knew when I was ovulating now, I said yes I could finally tell, or maybe I had been paying more attention and then I take the ovulation test and usually get a positive answer, then we have intercourse. (Not that you needed to know ANY of that, but that is what she asked and that is what I answered.) Then....
(okay probably not exactly what she said, but how I remember it..)
"Well my dear we have come to a point where you have to decide what you want to do next, there are really two options and you are young so you can do them both or you can do just one, it is up to you."
(Okay, Yes! She said I was young. I don't feel young, and I told her this.)
"That is because everyone around here has kids when they are 18, when I worked in Maryland everyone waited to have kids and you fall into that group. Some even waited till they were 35, but lets not wait till you're 40."
(Okay! That really does make me feel good... I am not being sarcastic here.)
"You can keep on trying and have no further testing and see if you are pregnant by the 2 year mark in August, or longer if you like. Or you can go and have a Hysterosalpingogram... Okay your face is telling me that you don't know what that is. It is where dye is injected into the uterus and they can see if your tubes are blocked or your uterus is misshapen. We recommend going down to UVA, and they will conduct a sperm analysis for your husband at the same time. Let me go and get the picture of the uterus and show you."
(Wait a minute, they are going to put what in what and read what and see what and tell me what???? They are going to check the Hubby's swimmers right? Did I ask that? Oh I am going to ask that to make sure.)
"Here is the uterus, they put dye in a tube, and insert it here, and then watch to see what happens, they they go from there. Bad news your insurance won't cover infertility. Now, if you are blocked you may have to go straight to IVF, because you know when you are ovulating and it could get fertilized in your tube and then a tubal pregnancy could occur and that is not viable and it is not safe to you. They could give your husband Clomid if his sperm is not active enough, or do other things to boost him. They could decided that you need fertility injections, they could extract your husband's sperm and shoot it up your uterus so that the sperm doesn't have to do as much work. Usually IVF is the last option, and the most expensive. Would you like me to get you the information?"
.
After a few more questions Dr. M walked out to get the nurse and get the information for me. I walked out of the office with my head swimming, asking for a miracle. Knowing that it may not happen. I feel like this is taking forever, but I know that forever will come. And as a great friend told me, you have to know when it is time to quit, when enough is enough. I haven't reached it yet. I think of how far I (yes me not we) have come. I used to fear going to the doctor. I would have so much anxiety that I would cry in the office before they would call me back. If they even mentioned a shot or needle I would panic. I can now go to the doctor's on my own, AND I can get blood drawn on my own. When Dr. M mention injections, I thought of the people that could give them to me, knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it myself, but knowing that there are a few people that can do it to me. When the talk of more doctor's appointments came up I didn't freak out. I am also less mad about all of this these days and more confused. I always ask if we are doing something wrong. The answer seems to be no.
One more thing... I should have not googled Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), I am a little freaked out. I have to lay down a basically have a pap smear performed without the smear part. They will insert the duck (whatever that clamp is called that opens you up), then wash my cervix with a special soap (wait that doesn't see the light of day... why does it need washed??), then insert a tube with the dye in it, and squirt the dye and watch it go, which can take up to 30 minutes. Please say that I am going to be sedated some how? I don't know if I can lay still that long. Oh yeah, I will have to take a full day off of work. Which they will not like, and hubby has to have a day off too. And all this has to be done and scheduled 2 days after my period to make sure that I am not pregnant. Umm wait, I can't get pregnant...so why do I have to be sure? And I have to ask off for 2 weeks in advance. And my hubby is only off for maybe 2 days and that is after he works 4. When will this all happen? Breathe, please breathe.... Don't google everything. It will scare the hell out of you!!!
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Happy March 1st.
We are now 3 months into the New Year, yay we made it. When I get to March I always feel like the New Year has finally kicked off. In January you are getting used to the New Year, in February you are just hoping that it doesn't go by too quick and you can catch up. When you get to March you can breath, you finally are able to write the New Year down, without having to scratch it out 10 million times! Anyways...
You know where are these blogs tend to go. I'm really sorry but this is my journey right now and because you are reading it, I guess I'm not as I could be. Anyways (again)... It was this time, give or take a few days, two years ago that Hubby and I were deciding when we were going to take this journey. Yeah, we are the weirdos that try and plan EVERYTHING. Now we did not reach that decision until June 2013, and you already know what we decided, unless you haven't been following this blog for a while. And many people didn't find out that we were on that journey until Feb or March of 2014. So we have been letting you know for about a year now.
I love when people don't know. Our old roommate found out Christmas 2014. A friend on facebook found out a little bit ago. It is fun to know who takes notice and who doesn't. I am sure that some of you don't read this at all and know our journey through someone else. That is okay too. Some of you might not know our journey at all, but not all of it you do know. People ask if we have tried this, did we do that. Most of the answer's to those questions are yes, even if I have said no. I have googled and researched a lot of things. Some things that I really didn't want to know, somethings that I never thought that I needed to know. Some things that I don't think are true at all. Do you know the answers some people will give you??? So many myths, defacing the myths... oh it is endless.
Moving on...
I think that there has to come a point in time when you decide the enough is enough, and you are going as far as you can. People will tell you to keep going and don't give up. But this is a hard process, and honestly until you have done it over and over, you can't tell someone to keep trying. Your body goes through a lot, your marriage or relationship goes through a lot. It seems like nothing can make you happy. And then, and there is where you stop. You say I hear what you are saying, but I have to stop doing this. Because when your job is gone, when someone or something has taken it from you, if you don't figure out where it is or how to get it back, you never will.
And so when I snuggle my boxer and ratties, when I watch my dvr till it's empty... that is when I am getting some joy. Little by little! It's not all gone, and I am not done yet. I have one more leg in my journey, though this might cost the most!
You know where are these blogs tend to go. I'm really sorry but this is my journey right now and because you are reading it, I guess I'm not as I could be. Anyways (again)... It was this time, give or take a few days, two years ago that Hubby and I were deciding when we were going to take this journey. Yeah, we are the weirdos that try and plan EVERYTHING. Now we did not reach that decision until June 2013, and you already know what we decided, unless you haven't been following this blog for a while. And many people didn't find out that we were on that journey until Feb or March of 2014. So we have been letting you know for about a year now.
I love when people don't know. Our old roommate found out Christmas 2014. A friend on facebook found out a little bit ago. It is fun to know who takes notice and who doesn't. I am sure that some of you don't read this at all and know our journey through someone else. That is okay too. Some of you might not know our journey at all, but not all of it you do know. People ask if we have tried this, did we do that. Most of the answer's to those questions are yes, even if I have said no. I have googled and researched a lot of things. Some things that I really didn't want to know, somethings that I never thought that I needed to know. Some things that I don't think are true at all. Do you know the answers some people will give you??? So many myths, defacing the myths... oh it is endless.
Moving on...
I think that there has to come a point in time when you decide the enough is enough, and you are going as far as you can. People will tell you to keep going and don't give up. But this is a hard process, and honestly until you have done it over and over, you can't tell someone to keep trying. Your body goes through a lot, your marriage or relationship goes through a lot. It seems like nothing can make you happy. And then, and there is where you stop. You say I hear what you are saying, but I have to stop doing this. Because when your job is gone, when someone or something has taken it from you, if you don't figure out where it is or how to get it back, you never will.
And so when I snuggle my boxer and ratties, when I watch my dvr till it's empty... that is when I am getting some joy. Little by little! It's not all gone, and I am not done yet. I have one more leg in my journey, though this might cost the most!
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