I know that the doctors think I'm joking, or that I have all the time in the world. I am not either. I no longer recommend Blue Ridge OBGYN. (I don't know that I really did in the first place.) I don't think that I should have to bounce around the practice to different doctors to get to the bottom line of this. So I am going to bounce right out of the office. How many times is this doctors office not going to take the blame for something that they are clearly doing??? They gave me the wrong number, they didn't schedule my appointment. They didn't tell me that I had to have this done at a certain time. They didn't say that they would just fax my stuff when I made the appointment. So they can kiss my ass!!!!! I get it I'm young, but this is not fun any more. This is torture. This has become a heart breaking journey. This has become one where I think a million different things are wrong with me. Where many different people have given advice, and tried to tell me that I'm doing "it" wrong.
Tomorrow is the day and I just pray for an answer. Although it is not a complete work up (I cannot have my procedure until a certain day of my cycle, something that me doctor neglected to tell me). But, it might be something that will get us further in the right direction.
When someone asks me about things, I tend to become aggravated again. I really want to say; "Have you heard the news? I'm still NOT pregnant." Then I want to walk away. I also have a flip side to this, when people ask me about it, I tend to have word vomit and give every.single.detail. Someone at my new job asked me why I wasn't in a great mood, and it just poured out. I couldn't stop it. All I could think about was, stop, why do you keep talking, why aren't you stopping, why are you still going?? There was no one to save me. So she heard almost all the story. My new job also must not have a lot of gossip, because no one talked to me about it the next day, or the ones after that. Which is really nice.
So, tomorrow is the day. We had down to UVA and we get a piece of the puzzle. If all goes well, it might be the only thing that we need. If not we will be headed down next month for my turn with procedures.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Im gonna do it.
Leaving my job in child care has been the best thing I have done in a long time. (I am still willing to help out friends, but those days are over.)
Most of the time when I set my mind to something, I do it. (Minus the fact that I have never seemed to be able to stop drinking sodas, and I am not a teacher.) When things were going bad at the child care facility, I began looking for jobs. I decided that I was worth more than a job that wanted me to work with my own vomit in my hair, and then turned around and took the time away from me. I decided that I was worth more than someone calling me a loser, or that I was lazy for not completing a bulletin board that I still had time to do. I wanted to be worth my education, and I wanted to work somewhere where I could have time for myself and the things that I needed to do. I looked for other jobs. I found another job, and I love this job. This is my career, (however if you would like to submit my blog to a book deal or somewhere to make money, I can do that too!!)
I have been putting off going to the Dr since February. Since February, I have thought and believed that I would be pregnant. This is not the case. I spent most of April and May playing phone tag with my Dr. No one in the office could give me the information that I needed, and I was on lunch when they were. They gave me the wrong number, which I called. When I called this number (we will call the lady, "devil lady," cause omg she was rude) devil lady asked what I needed. I explained that I needed to have a uterine dye test done (not remembering or knowing what the technical term for it was) and that my husband needed a seamen analsys. Devil lady asked if I was a patient of Dr Evans, I explained that I wasn't and that I had an OBGYN. Devil lady was like Dr Evans won't sign off for you to have this done unless you are his patient. At this point I am more than angry. I explain the whole thing again, and I let her know for maybe the 1000th time that I have a husband, that this is not something I'm just trying to do. Devil lady gets more angry with me and says that she will email Dr Evans and call me back. I hung up.
When I finally got a hold of my OBGYN, (new nurse lady we shall call her demon lady) Demon Lady listens to what I have to say and then tells me that they NEVER give the wrong number. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Demon lady explains that she doesn't know what number I have but this is the number to Dr Bateman and Dr Williams and we give this out all the time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? So I get angry, I explain one last time. I tell Demon lady the number, and she is like well you wrote it down wrong. NO Demon Lady I did not. I didn't write it someone in your office did, and if I could come in, I would show it to you. Demon lady is trying to hurry me off the phone. I gladly hang up because I have had more than enough.
I am now left with a phone number and and option. Hubby and I have been trying to weigh it all out. We are trying to decide what is best for us, and it has been tough. What we have decided is that we are going to change insurance to my job. And we are going to have the procedure done, but after that we are going to go to a different OBGYN. We have had enough of this. You would think that Drs who are in the business of bringing more people in the world would be more helpful to someone who is trying to bring/create another person. I have almost hit the 2 year mark in this and I am more than ready to be a mommy. I'm not saying that I am going to be great at it. But I am going to try hard. I will make mistakes, but I will be so grateful for that little person. I still have the disclaimer that if you are a part of my family and you have a baby that if you steal my kids name I am still going to name them the name, so look out. So far only one has, and I love little "A." Happy June!!!!!
Most of the time when I set my mind to something, I do it. (Minus the fact that I have never seemed to be able to stop drinking sodas, and I am not a teacher.) When things were going bad at the child care facility, I began looking for jobs. I decided that I was worth more than a job that wanted me to work with my own vomit in my hair, and then turned around and took the time away from me. I decided that I was worth more than someone calling me a loser, or that I was lazy for not completing a bulletin board that I still had time to do. I wanted to be worth my education, and I wanted to work somewhere where I could have time for myself and the things that I needed to do. I looked for other jobs. I found another job, and I love this job. This is my career, (however if you would like to submit my blog to a book deal or somewhere to make money, I can do that too!!)
I have been putting off going to the Dr since February. Since February, I have thought and believed that I would be pregnant. This is not the case. I spent most of April and May playing phone tag with my Dr. No one in the office could give me the information that I needed, and I was on lunch when they were. They gave me the wrong number, which I called. When I called this number (we will call the lady, "devil lady," cause omg she was rude) devil lady asked what I needed. I explained that I needed to have a uterine dye test done (not remembering or knowing what the technical term for it was) and that my husband needed a seamen analsys. Devil lady asked if I was a patient of Dr Evans, I explained that I wasn't and that I had an OBGYN. Devil lady was like Dr Evans won't sign off for you to have this done unless you are his patient. At this point I am more than angry. I explain the whole thing again, and I let her know for maybe the 1000th time that I have a husband, that this is not something I'm just trying to do. Devil lady gets more angry with me and says that she will email Dr Evans and call me back. I hung up.
When I finally got a hold of my OBGYN, (new nurse lady we shall call her demon lady) Demon Lady listens to what I have to say and then tells me that they NEVER give the wrong number. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Demon lady explains that she doesn't know what number I have but this is the number to Dr Bateman and Dr Williams and we give this out all the time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? So I get angry, I explain one last time. I tell Demon lady the number, and she is like well you wrote it down wrong. NO Demon Lady I did not. I didn't write it someone in your office did, and if I could come in, I would show it to you. Demon lady is trying to hurry me off the phone. I gladly hang up because I have had more than enough.
I am now left with a phone number and and option. Hubby and I have been trying to weigh it all out. We are trying to decide what is best for us, and it has been tough. What we have decided is that we are going to change insurance to my job. And we are going to have the procedure done, but after that we are going to go to a different OBGYN. We have had enough of this. You would think that Drs who are in the business of bringing more people in the world would be more helpful to someone who is trying to bring/create another person. I have almost hit the 2 year mark in this and I am more than ready to be a mommy. I'm not saying that I am going to be great at it. But I am going to try hard. I will make mistakes, but I will be so grateful for that little person. I still have the disclaimer that if you are a part of my family and you have a baby that if you steal my kids name I am still going to name them the name, so look out. So far only one has, and I love little "A." Happy June!!!!!
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Feeling beautiful with him
I don't always feel beautiful, (and I'm not saying that I am, I have flaws...we all do!!) but when I am with him, I feel great! The reason behind this blog is a question that I posed on facebook:
So I struggling to dress like an almost 30 year old. When I go to the store, I am attracted to the bright colors of the Juniors section, and I know I don't belong there. But all these dark colors and styles in the women's section have me feeling like im 50. Help me!!!
This is a real problem. I go to the store, and it is like I am stuck going to the juniors section. I buy something and I am always 2nd guessing myself, asking am I dressing appropriately. I also like prints and don't want to have to do solids all the time.
Let's explore this a little further: think about when you walk into Kohl's. Do you have the picture in your head?? Okay, I'll help you out... usually you walk in by the juniors section, to the front is the jewelry counter (we can skip that), if you go a little past the juniors there is a women's section...
No think in terms of color. Juniors is all nice a bright...Women's has dark colors. Of which I'm not drawn to. I'm okay with a black top or bottom now and again, but that purple-ish color (the color that I am writing in)...I am sick of it. What's it called a plum? Yeah, I have skirts and tops and pants in that color. I liked it for a time, but I am tired of going to the store and seeing it now.
When I'm with him I feel young, I feel 17.
Why is women's clothes so dark?? I got an overwhelming response from friends on facebook, showing me where to go. Sometimes I need a little direction. I'm not always trendy, most of what I wear is comfort, other times it is that I am being told what I have to wear. Now that I am working at a Bank, I'm not sure what to wear.
Can I wear what I wore when I was at school with the kids? Do I need to be a bit more dressy? Ahhh!
Think about this, (not counting blockbuster) When I started working at Walmart, when I was 18; you could wear anything as long as you wore jeans on pay day Thursday. So, I didn't get a lot of dress clothes, I was a cashier and then a CSM and I got dirty most of the day. Then I went to Radford, and that was jeans a t-shirt daily. I would dress up on occasion. Then I came back to Walmart in the khaki and navy blue days, (I HATE khaki pants). Then I left them and starting working in the school. Where I could, by the company standards where a nice top and jeans to school daily, I did not do that. I dressed how the teachers did, as best I could. Then I went to the preschool, where it was nice top/t-shirts and solid pants (of which I ruined a lot of clothes, because we used bleach). And now I am in an entirely different place. I don't want to show up and look out of place.
Clothes define us all. You can say that don't, but that is not true.
How many times have you been out with your friends, your spouse, or your family and someone has commented on what you have on?? Or you're at a family event and you think that you have on something okay and you don't?? Just think on that... It happens all the time. Sometimes it happens and no one tells you. People are looking at what you are wearing. Something that this makes me think of...
When I was in college there was this girl in a few of my classes, she wore really cute tops. People were always telling her how nice she looked. So one day I asked her where she shopped... her answer; I don't know. Are you kidding me? It's not that I want to wear the same thing as you, I don't want to copy you. You wear cute stuff, we are in teacher classes together and you can't tell me where you got stuff?
I don't want to look like anyone... (I have been compared to Katie Holmes, Winnie Cooper (from the Wonder Years) and Wednesday Adams (from the Adams family) all of which I don't mind looking like), I want to look like myself. But I want to dress well.
I think because when I am with him the outside world doesn't matter, is why I feel okay. I don't have bad self esteem, I just feel great with him. My style doesn't matter, sometimes he dresses better than me. I'm okay with it. But days like the one in this photo make me feel good. So as I struggle with new clothes and getting it together, I will remind myself; with him I'm Beautiful!
Monday, May 4, 2015
What does your 31 days of happiness look like?
Such a simple question, but what's the answer?
Is it a new job?
Talking to a friend?
Getting answers to questions that you have?
What is it?
I am determined to spend May happy! No matter what! No matter what comes this month. I cannot yet tell you what my news is. There are still some things that I have to do to make it official. Just hang in there and you will see.
Oh yeah...
What my happiness looks like..
Staying away from the drama as much as I can. Doing things that make me happy. Taking walks with my dog, picking flowers, singing (even though I really can't), reading books, sitting by the water.
I also don't want to be the one person who walks into the room and sucks all the energy out of it. I am trying hard not to be that person. I also want to allow people to be honest with me and not take it personally. Oh and I am not going to think that everything is my fault. I tend to think that the reason people are mean or just anything has something to do with me. I need to stop that. I cannot control other people. I can only control what I think, do, and act.
So maybe I didn't answer my own question. But I am really trying to be happy. And I am determined that May will make it that way!
Is it a new job?
Talking to a friend?
Getting answers to questions that you have?
What is it?
I am determined to spend May happy! No matter what! No matter what comes this month. I cannot yet tell you what my news is. There are still some things that I have to do to make it official. Just hang in there and you will see.
Oh yeah...
What my happiness looks like..
Staying away from the drama as much as I can. Doing things that make me happy. Taking walks with my dog, picking flowers, singing (even though I really can't), reading books, sitting by the water.
I also don't want to be the one person who walks into the room and sucks all the energy out of it. I am trying hard not to be that person. I also want to allow people to be honest with me and not take it personally. Oh and I am not going to think that everything is my fault. I tend to think that the reason people are mean or just anything has something to do with me. I need to stop that. I cannot control other people. I can only control what I think, do, and act.
So maybe I didn't answer my own question. But I am really trying to be happy. And I am determined that May will make it that way!
Friday, April 24, 2015
I want to remind you....
I am NOT doing this for attention. If fact if you truly know me, I really don't like that much attention. To the fact that I am writing a blog shocks me. Only because I know that people are reading it. But, I am writing blog posts and cluing people in because it makes me feel better.
I know that people are asking, then why do it in a public way? Well, the simple answer is because so many people ask me things all the time. And so that I don't have to repeat myself so many times I just write them down (type them out, I see you there.) Writing has always made me feel better. I would journal in class when I was supposed to be paying attention. I would write things down, when I was supposed to taking notes in class. Getting thoughts down on paper have always been a release for me. I'm not saying that am or was an unhappy person. I'm just saying that I had thoughts, ideas, or things to say and I didn't want to always say them out loud. I also liked when I went on a trip to write down things that were going on. Sometimes, that I got me in trouble. Because, lets be honest I can be hateful.
I know that people think that I am really sweet person, which I really can be. But, I can also be very HATEFUL. Honestly, I'm not sure if it is me being hateful or I'm being honest. Maybe it is the delivery in which I say it, or how I say it, I don't really know. But, I really do try to consider others feelings. I sometimes, just can't take when they don't consider mine and then I let it go like word vomit. We all have a place where we can't take it any longer. Some of us it takes a lot longer to get there. Some of us let it fester and grow and then everything becomes a negative. I fall somewhere in the middle. I take a while to get there, but when I get there I will find every single thing I can to make you feel like you have made me feel. To the point of going overboard, and to begin to criticize things. Again, I'm not sure what you want to call it, but it is what it is and I can't change it. Trust me I have tried.
I don't work on friendships anymore. I don't know if this is because I'm working on other things and they are taking a lot or if I just want to be a hermit and I don't have time for things. It isn't that I don't want to hang out and have fun with friends, it is just that if it is a ton of work, I won't try to work on it. That is honest.
I am also at a place where some things really don't bother me. I know that I have burned a lot of bridges and a lot of people. Normally, I want to fix it. I want to try and be different. Do you know how exhausting that is?? I cannot fix EVERYTHING, I have tried. I just chalk it up to more word vomit (Thank you Mean Girls ((the movie)), for coming up with the phrase, I have loved it since then.) Let's face it I have horrible word vomit. I am really trying to fix that, mainly just a filter. But I have learned that if the bridge is burnt, then I need to let it go. I need to be done with it and I need to move on. It's hard, but I try.
I also over analyze and rethink almost everything. I can remember things that I have said and how they affect people. Then I will look back on it and feel like an ass because of what I have said or how I acted. Sometimes I wish that I could see how guilty I'll feel before I act that way, so that I don't do it. Something that none of us have the ability to do. So this is something that will just be there.
Back to the not wanting anyone to think that I am doing this for attention...
I'm not sure why I had to even go there. It is just the things that people say and do that make me think that they are thinking I want attention. What I want is to feel better. I want to look back on this time in my life and laugh, or say what the hell. I want answers, and I am not sure how to get them. (Answers to what needs to be saved for another time.) If in thinking that I write this for attention then please read my posts and give me attention. By helping me answer my question. If you just enjoy reading this, or are on the journey with me. Keep on reading. Bottom line, I am not an attention whore. I am some that thought when I got to my 30 year old self, my life would be a little bit different. I know that life never turns out like you planned, but it has to go some what the way you want it. I know there are only a few things that would look different, but those are the hardest things. Also, while we are on the subject, if you think that I am an attention whore, why are you reading this? You don't have to. You can ignore when I post them to facebook. You have free will, I'm not making you read. So, I know that this is going to make people mad. It seems as if every blog that I write that is not about my fertility struggles pisses people off, so I know that someone will be angry. Someone will decide that they don't want to be my "friend" any more. But, you know what I really don't care. Delete me please. Unfriend me please. I think that I might just take my own advice. I think that it is time to clear the list. Who knows what I will do. I do know that I will keep blogging. I will keep pissing people off. It's what I do.
I know that people are asking, then why do it in a public way? Well, the simple answer is because so many people ask me things all the time. And so that I don't have to repeat myself so many times I just write them down (type them out, I see you there.) Writing has always made me feel better. I would journal in class when I was supposed to be paying attention. I would write things down, when I was supposed to taking notes in class. Getting thoughts down on paper have always been a release for me. I'm not saying that am or was an unhappy person. I'm just saying that I had thoughts, ideas, or things to say and I didn't want to always say them out loud. I also liked when I went on a trip to write down things that were going on. Sometimes, that I got me in trouble. Because, lets be honest I can be hateful.
I know that people think that I am really sweet person, which I really can be. But, I can also be very HATEFUL. Honestly, I'm not sure if it is me being hateful or I'm being honest. Maybe it is the delivery in which I say it, or how I say it, I don't really know. But, I really do try to consider others feelings. I sometimes, just can't take when they don't consider mine and then I let it go like word vomit. We all have a place where we can't take it any longer. Some of us it takes a lot longer to get there. Some of us let it fester and grow and then everything becomes a negative. I fall somewhere in the middle. I take a while to get there, but when I get there I will find every single thing I can to make you feel like you have made me feel. To the point of going overboard, and to begin to criticize things. Again, I'm not sure what you want to call it, but it is what it is and I can't change it. Trust me I have tried.
I don't work on friendships anymore. I don't know if this is because I'm working on other things and they are taking a lot or if I just want to be a hermit and I don't have time for things. It isn't that I don't want to hang out and have fun with friends, it is just that if it is a ton of work, I won't try to work on it. That is honest.
I am also at a place where some things really don't bother me. I know that I have burned a lot of bridges and a lot of people. Normally, I want to fix it. I want to try and be different. Do you know how exhausting that is?? I cannot fix EVERYTHING, I have tried. I just chalk it up to more word vomit (Thank you Mean Girls ((the movie)), for coming up with the phrase, I have loved it since then.) Let's face it I have horrible word vomit. I am really trying to fix that, mainly just a filter. But I have learned that if the bridge is burnt, then I need to let it go. I need to be done with it and I need to move on. It's hard, but I try.
I also over analyze and rethink almost everything. I can remember things that I have said and how they affect people. Then I will look back on it and feel like an ass because of what I have said or how I acted. Sometimes I wish that I could see how guilty I'll feel before I act that way, so that I don't do it. Something that none of us have the ability to do. So this is something that will just be there.
Back to the not wanting anyone to think that I am doing this for attention...
I'm not sure why I had to even go there. It is just the things that people say and do that make me think that they are thinking I want attention. What I want is to feel better. I want to look back on this time in my life and laugh, or say what the hell. I want answers, and I am not sure how to get them. (Answers to what needs to be saved for another time.) If in thinking that I write this for attention then please read my posts and give me attention. By helping me answer my question. If you just enjoy reading this, or are on the journey with me. Keep on reading. Bottom line, I am not an attention whore. I am some that thought when I got to my 30 year old self, my life would be a little bit different. I know that life never turns out like you planned, but it has to go some what the way you want it. I know there are only a few things that would look different, but those are the hardest things. Also, while we are on the subject, if you think that I am an attention whore, why are you reading this? You don't have to. You can ignore when I post them to facebook. You have free will, I'm not making you read. So, I know that this is going to make people mad. It seems as if every blog that I write that is not about my fertility struggles pisses people off, so I know that someone will be angry. Someone will decide that they don't want to be my "friend" any more. But, you know what I really don't care. Delete me please. Unfriend me please. I think that I might just take my own advice. I think that it is time to clear the list. Who knows what I will do. I do know that I will keep blogging. I will keep pissing people off. It's what I do.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Just two kids with a dream
We were just two kids with a dream.....
and we hoped that what we dreamed for would come true. At first they were mild stepping stones...
High School Graduation
College
College Graduation
Getting a house
Getting married
and then....
Having babies.
Now we are two adults with big dreams...
Whatever they might be. We have come to a point, a point that we are not sure of where it will go. It has been about a month that they said we needed to have this test and we are in no rush to do it. It's an all day trip. It also may or may not tell us if we can have babies or not. For 16 years we have been each other's best friend. Sure we have had other bests between now and then, but we have been each other's best almost from the day we met. 2 years later we started dating, and 10 years after that we got married. We have done everything in time. We know each other very well. We know what we want. It's not going to come easy, but we will get there. Behind everyone else. That is just the way it goes for us.
I want everyone to know...
I am 100% okay being around pregnant people. I am really 100% happy for you. Please don't think that you can't invite me to something because I can't be around kids that is 1000% false. I can talk about your kids or babies and be okay. I'm not going to have a melt down. Please feel free to feel bad for me though. But don't harp on it. I'm sad, I won't lie about it.
If you are going to talk about people that shouldn't be parents, I'm not game. If you are going to talk about how bad people treat their kids I don't want to talk about that either. I don't want to be reminded that they can easily have kids. I know how unfair this world is and I don't need you to tell me about it all the time.
I also want you to know that my husband has gotten in the habit of telling me often how much he wants a little person. Which means that it is almost daily. We want this, we really do. We are not settling for something else, we are not settling. We are just taking our time. Maybe we shouldn't be, but that is how it is.
Okay so...
We are still two kids with dreams, we just became adults.
We still want a lot of things, we just have to really work for them.
One day they will all happen, and you will see it!
Saturday, April 4, 2015
A day in the life...
Disclaimer: I am not trying to be funny about this, nor am I claiming that I know everything about being Bipolar. I am not Bipolar, but I think that I am around many people that are. It is a struggle and I believe people who have it need to seek help.
What I wouldn't give to have some consistency. I do not enjoy going in and things being different from one day to another. I am a pretty flexible person, I can do different jobs, that is not the problem. Rules changing day in and day out, I cannot handle that. I also cannot handle feeling like I am doing something wrong or harming a child and no one telling me.
In the past week I have gone from.... having my own room, helping another teacher, promised that I will have my own room, almost being sent home (not even the middle of the day), being asked if I have a college degree (yes), asked for a copy, then being told that I would be considered for lead teacher and other opportunities, being sent home early after I have said that I need to work, being called and having my schedule changed, and finally in that call being told that I would be sharing my room with someone else.
I CANNOT HANDLE THIS!!!!
Maybe I don't understand. I worked in a school, that seemed pretty simple. I worked directly with teachers and the principal. The principal told me that she would hire me there if a position ever became available. I did great work.... and now I am down to this. I don't get it. I am great with kids. I can bond with the difficult ones, and I work really hard to help them succeed!
Now this, daily it is something different. You are not paying enough attention, you don't know how to do that, you need trained. PUMP THE BREAKS!!! I was NEVER trained. I read a book, and then everything I have been doing has been something that someone who works there has told me to do. You don't have training. I got diaper trained by reading a paper.... AND you want me to work off the clock?? Um I don't get paid enough on the clock, why would I work off the clock??? I'm not, not now not ever. If that makes me a bad teacher so be it. If it is ever said that I hurt a child, I will walk off the job. I have never EVER hurt a child, and I never will.
Realization:
This line of work is not for me. I thought that it was, but clearly I am not cut out for it. I love kids, but I don't love this. I'm almost 30 years old and I had to learn the hard way that this will not work for me. I have no benefits, no time off, no nothing. Not even job security. I need something different. I also need 2 weeks on the beach with no cell phone and no care in the world. I'll settle for a weekend at the lake with puppies.
So that's it, if you are confused you know how I feel. That is how I feel daily. I hope to have it chang. Pray that good things come my way!
What I wouldn't give to have some consistency. I do not enjoy going in and things being different from one day to another. I am a pretty flexible person, I can do different jobs, that is not the problem. Rules changing day in and day out, I cannot handle that. I also cannot handle feeling like I am doing something wrong or harming a child and no one telling me.
In the past week I have gone from.... having my own room, helping another teacher, promised that I will have my own room, almost being sent home (not even the middle of the day), being asked if I have a college degree (yes), asked for a copy, then being told that I would be considered for lead teacher and other opportunities, being sent home early after I have said that I need to work, being called and having my schedule changed, and finally in that call being told that I would be sharing my room with someone else.
I CANNOT HANDLE THIS!!!!
Maybe I don't understand. I worked in a school, that seemed pretty simple. I worked directly with teachers and the principal. The principal told me that she would hire me there if a position ever became available. I did great work.... and now I am down to this. I don't get it. I am great with kids. I can bond with the difficult ones, and I work really hard to help them succeed!
Now this, daily it is something different. You are not paying enough attention, you don't know how to do that, you need trained. PUMP THE BREAKS!!! I was NEVER trained. I read a book, and then everything I have been doing has been something that someone who works there has told me to do. You don't have training. I got diaper trained by reading a paper.... AND you want me to work off the clock?? Um I don't get paid enough on the clock, why would I work off the clock??? I'm not, not now not ever. If that makes me a bad teacher so be it. If it is ever said that I hurt a child, I will walk off the job. I have never EVER hurt a child, and I never will.
Realization:
This line of work is not for me. I thought that it was, but clearly I am not cut out for it. I love kids, but I don't love this. I'm almost 30 years old and I had to learn the hard way that this will not work for me. I have no benefits, no time off, no nothing. Not even job security. I need something different. I also need 2 weeks on the beach with no cell phone and no care in the world. I'll settle for a weekend at the lake with puppies.
So that's it, if you are confused you know how I feel. That is how I feel daily. I hope to have it chang. Pray that good things come my way!
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