I have been absent from here. I'm very sorry for that. The hardest part of the year has come, and I was not ready for it. I was honestly not prepared for December to roll back around, and me be childless. But, here we are again. I have tried really hard to be thankful for EVERYTHING that I have, but to be honest with you I am really tired of all that. I have really tried not to be bitter, but it's there and I can't stop it.
When we had our last BFN I went quickly into shut down mode. This time I didn't know what to do with myself. I honestly didn't want to have to pick back up and move on. I didn't think that I could learn to be happy. I am really good at pretending, but I am pretty awful at faking it. You might think that they are the same. But, they really are not. Pretending is me making small talk with clients at work, going on about my daily business, and pretending that IVF never happened to me. Faking is being happy when I just want to crawl back in bed or just making due. Think of it this way, remember when you were little and you would pretend play, you could be just about anything that you wanted (I always pretended to be a teacher). Now if you faked it you wouldn't play at all. Faking means to me that it didn't happen at all. I'm really good at pretending.
I wanted to skip right over Christmas. I still want to. But, it has come really fast, and I am still here to tell the tale. I am however, not sure what the worst part about this Christmas is. The fact that I could have a 2 month old and I don't, or the fact that I could be 3 or 1 months pregnant. I really can't decide. I think that I am leaning more towards the fact that I could have a 2 month old. Honestly I really imagine what they would be like (there were 2 embabies that time). I get really sad about it. It is like I am a puzzle and I am not put together because I am missing a piece.
I am now also finding it really hard to have an answer when people are asking me about IVF, and babies and all of that. My thoughts are not together, and I really don't know what is a good answer. I guess there is no good one.
Sometimes I hear people say that they get mad at other women that have babies, because they have done what their body cannot. I don't feel that way. I have been told that my body can get pregnant, and until someone tells me different I won't feel that way. I get mad at people who are bad parents, I get mad at people who have more than 3 kids, I get mad at people who take their kids for granted. I get mad at my Hubs when he tells me that a tradition that I want to keep for my kids is stupid, because we might not ever have them (he was just really upset, to be fair to him, so don't leave him hate in the comments). I get mad when I think that I have wasted an entire year and I didn't get pregnant and the Dr's don't offer me anything. That is when I get mad. I also get mad when I know that the spirit of Christmas is in a young child and it is the BEST time of year to have one, and I don't.
So I am going to make my way through Christmas. I am really trying. I am dressing up, I have gone to holiday parties, where I put on my cheer and tried hard. I am going to be happy on Christmas day and I am going to spoil my 4 furbabies. And then the day after I am going to pretend that Christmas never came and went. And I am going to focus on the fact that they New Year is going to come and that is new options. And I am going to try and be a good family member, wife, and friend. And I am going to leave it all behind. I cannot change things, I can just hope that they get better. So for now, Happy Christmas and Merry New Year!! (Love and Baby Dust too!!)
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Friday, December 2, 2016
Entitled
The IVF process has made me feel very entitled. Now, you might think that it means that I feel entitled to have a baby or to become pregnant. However, that is not the case. I feel a different kind of entitlement. I logged on facebook this morning just to search around. I have logged on in a while, I do from time to time, I just really only look at what is on my page, and then I quickly log off, never stopping to look at the news feed. Today I did. Whoops, BAD IDEA.
What I found was happy and sad at the same time. 2 of my friends are pregnant. (Congratulations, by the way!!) There maybe more. But, I had to stop scrolling. I quickly signed off. My entitlement comes from this. I think that when someone is pregnant I think that I should be the first to know. I know, I'm an ass. I have been feeling like this for some time. Through numerous ladies pregnancies. Sometimes, it is like this.. "I just talked to you, you couldn't have told me then?" I forget that I probably the LAST person on their mind to tell. They they forget about me when they are sharing their happy news. Which, makes me laugh that I feel that way. But, it is the way it is.
We have, to put it lightly a "good run of bad luck." As many of you are not aware of, because I choose not to share this time, we had our final transfer on the 16th of November. And it didn't work again. This time I was not prepared for the bad news. I had felt so much different than the previous 2 times. And so when the call came in, it was a shock. Now, there is nothing. We don't have anymore embryos, and they really didn't offer much as to why, this didn't work.
After a failed cycle, they have this meeting to discuss what could be done different. They called me yesterday. The first thing out of her mouth was another sorry, but then she said that we had told Dr. Williams that there wasn't any more money so they didn't talk about anythings. Wait, what?? You didn't talk about anything? I mean, you could have said anything about doing anything different and you didn't. They are honoring my request to send my hubs to another Dr, for another opinion. This just made me angry, the entire thing made me angry.
So, I did what I could only do. I reached out to my TTC Sisters (TTC= trying to Conceive). Ironically the day that I decide to do all of this different things fall into place. That morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. It was the first morning that I had to go back to work after finding out the news, and it was the first morning that I woke with out the hubs there. Anyways, by not getting out of bed I missed "Live with Kelly" and I didn't feel like watching "Rachel Ray." My TV was on TLC from the night before, and as I was getting ready making my tea and breakfast, this show came on that I had never seen before, "Birth Moms." I watched it so intently. When I went to work that day, my Area Supervisor had come in. I haven't seen her for a while, but she commented on how I was not acting the same. I had to explain to her what had happened. And she tells me a story of a friend who adopted, and then became pregnant. I had a friend that did the same. And it has always been in the back of my mind. She also told me about Shady Grove Fertility.
(This Blog is long, I'm sorry I have a lot to say.)
When we were going through all of this Dr. Bell (my obgyn) suggested either UVA or Shady Grove. I picked UVA because a friend of mine had been there to fix a problem that she was having when she couldn't get pregnant, and I knew that I could get myself there, if need be without a problem. (I get lost in a paper bag.) As far as I knew the closest Shady Grove was in Reston. I didn't know if I could manage that. Well a year later, there is a Shady Gove in Gainesville. (My home town, if you know.) I can get there. So, the question comes "Should I switch?" I had to reach out to the TTC community so see if anyone had been there. I found that one of the girls that I talk to went there, and she loved it. So, I did a little more research. Also I started looking more and more into some of the girls that I follow on Instragram. I found something that I had been thinking about for a long time, I have one thing different than ALL of them. My protical (they way the IVF process happens.)
And it is not just a little bit different, it is a lot. From the amount of medications (and I know this differs from girl to girl), the the various medications, and the amount of times that there endometrial lining is checked (mine is once), also the amount of times that there progesterone is checked before hand. When the Dr. calls me and doesn't offer any changes, these are all things that I feel that can be changed. And I am willing to do all of them. I'm not saying that we are going to change clinics, right now we don't have the funds to do that. But, we are considering it. (first thing is a trip to another Dr.)
The 2nd thing that I mentioned above was Birth Moms and Adoption. I have always had adoption in the back of my mind. But, that night as I thought about it even more, I was awake with a few fears. I had watched Birth Moms, and I had seen how sad those woman were to place their babies. They are giving a great gift. But, I didn't know if I could be on the receiving end of that. One reason is I cry over someone having to give their dog up, how could I stand there and receive someone's child? The other thing that kept me up, was once I receive this gift, what if the mom wants it back? This is why I can't foster. Many people have told me that I should. I cannot. I cannot fall in love with a child, and then have to give it back. That is a great fear.
So, I sit in limbo. I sit here thinking about what is next. What will happen. I am hopeful, doubtful, but hopeful. I wish you love and baby dust.
What I found was happy and sad at the same time. 2 of my friends are pregnant. (Congratulations, by the way!!) There maybe more. But, I had to stop scrolling. I quickly signed off. My entitlement comes from this. I think that when someone is pregnant I think that I should be the first to know. I know, I'm an ass. I have been feeling like this for some time. Through numerous ladies pregnancies. Sometimes, it is like this.. "I just talked to you, you couldn't have told me then?" I forget that I probably the LAST person on their mind to tell. They they forget about me when they are sharing their happy news. Which, makes me laugh that I feel that way. But, it is the way it is.
We have, to put it lightly a "good run of bad luck." As many of you are not aware of, because I choose not to share this time, we had our final transfer on the 16th of November. And it didn't work again. This time I was not prepared for the bad news. I had felt so much different than the previous 2 times. And so when the call came in, it was a shock. Now, there is nothing. We don't have anymore embryos, and they really didn't offer much as to why, this didn't work.
After a failed cycle, they have this meeting to discuss what could be done different. They called me yesterday. The first thing out of her mouth was another sorry, but then she said that we had told Dr. Williams that there wasn't any more money so they didn't talk about anythings. Wait, what?? You didn't talk about anything? I mean, you could have said anything about doing anything different and you didn't. They are honoring my request to send my hubs to another Dr, for another opinion. This just made me angry, the entire thing made me angry.
So, I did what I could only do. I reached out to my TTC Sisters (TTC= trying to Conceive). Ironically the day that I decide to do all of this different things fall into place. That morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. It was the first morning that I had to go back to work after finding out the news, and it was the first morning that I woke with out the hubs there. Anyways, by not getting out of bed I missed "Live with Kelly" and I didn't feel like watching "Rachel Ray." My TV was on TLC from the night before, and as I was getting ready making my tea and breakfast, this show came on that I had never seen before, "Birth Moms." I watched it so intently. When I went to work that day, my Area Supervisor had come in. I haven't seen her for a while, but she commented on how I was not acting the same. I had to explain to her what had happened. And she tells me a story of a friend who adopted, and then became pregnant. I had a friend that did the same. And it has always been in the back of my mind. She also told me about Shady Grove Fertility.
(This Blog is long, I'm sorry I have a lot to say.)
When we were going through all of this Dr. Bell (my obgyn) suggested either UVA or Shady Grove. I picked UVA because a friend of mine had been there to fix a problem that she was having when she couldn't get pregnant, and I knew that I could get myself there, if need be without a problem. (I get lost in a paper bag.) As far as I knew the closest Shady Grove was in Reston. I didn't know if I could manage that. Well a year later, there is a Shady Gove in Gainesville. (My home town, if you know.) I can get there. So, the question comes "Should I switch?" I had to reach out to the TTC community so see if anyone had been there. I found that one of the girls that I talk to went there, and she loved it. So, I did a little more research. Also I started looking more and more into some of the girls that I follow on Instragram. I found something that I had been thinking about for a long time, I have one thing different than ALL of them. My protical (they way the IVF process happens.)
And it is not just a little bit different, it is a lot. From the amount of medications (and I know this differs from girl to girl), the the various medications, and the amount of times that there endometrial lining is checked (mine is once), also the amount of times that there progesterone is checked before hand. When the Dr. calls me and doesn't offer any changes, these are all things that I feel that can be changed. And I am willing to do all of them. I'm not saying that we are going to change clinics, right now we don't have the funds to do that. But, we are considering it. (first thing is a trip to another Dr.)
The 2nd thing that I mentioned above was Birth Moms and Adoption. I have always had adoption in the back of my mind. But, that night as I thought about it even more, I was awake with a few fears. I had watched Birth Moms, and I had seen how sad those woman were to place their babies. They are giving a great gift. But, I didn't know if I could be on the receiving end of that. One reason is I cry over someone having to give their dog up, how could I stand there and receive someone's child? The other thing that kept me up, was once I receive this gift, what if the mom wants it back? This is why I can't foster. Many people have told me that I should. I cannot. I cannot fall in love with a child, and then have to give it back. That is a great fear.
So, I sit in limbo. I sit here thinking about what is next. What will happen. I am hopeful, doubtful, but hopeful. I wish you love and baby dust.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Living on the Edge of reason.
On average how many times do you blink your eyes in day? (There is an answer out there, but I don't feel like googling it right now.) On average how many times do you allow that cursor to blink before you start writing? The thoughts in my head are all jumbled. The words are not coming.
I feel like I could dream a thousand dreams and they would never come close to being true. I feel like sometimes I am down this damn rabbit hole and I am stuck there. I am not going to pop up, it is not going to be different. Day in, Day out I'm stuck. If I could just make this one thing work, then everything else would just fall into place. This is not real.
What's real, is I'm going to get up tomorrow and the day is going to start over again. What's real, is I am going to go to work and keep doing my tasks there. What's real, is I am going to come home make dinner, play with the dogs, talk with the hubs, get a shower, and go to bed.
What's not real: Dreaming. That is not real. I will not wake up and it be true.
What's not real: Thinking that everything is going to be okay.
I am trying to put all of the Negative things that I have in my head out of them. I am trying to think of reasons to be happy and be positive. That is the reason for today's post. I have to try and remain positive.
However!!!!! The seed of doubt is a big one.
If I can just get through it, I can live. If I can just stop doubting that I can move forward. If I could just have peace than I can breathe. And then and only then, can I stop with the worry.
In my life I am going through a lot of things that are uncertain. Life in general is uncertain. But, I have more than that. IVF is a big thing that comes with a lot of risks, and not a lot of return. I am worried that I will have taken the risk, with no reward. I'm not sure how to accept that. I'm not sure how to keep going after that. There is no answer. There are no kind words. There is nothing that will change it. I know that there is a bigger story than this. My story will not be over. But, I'd love to just have my baby. My boxer only fills up so much of that, the rat terrier takes some space too, and even on good days the cat has some room too. But, the baby would fill the hole of my heart. I know that this was almost about nothing. And I know that most of my posts have been that way. Thanks for continuing to read them any ways. Thanks for laughing, crying, and caring about me. Thanks for it all. Until next time, I wish you love and baby dust.
I feel like I could dream a thousand dreams and they would never come close to being true. I feel like sometimes I am down this damn rabbit hole and I am stuck there. I am not going to pop up, it is not going to be different. Day in, Day out I'm stuck. If I could just make this one thing work, then everything else would just fall into place. This is not real.
What's real, is I'm going to get up tomorrow and the day is going to start over again. What's real, is I am going to go to work and keep doing my tasks there. What's real, is I am going to come home make dinner, play with the dogs, talk with the hubs, get a shower, and go to bed.
What's not real: Dreaming. That is not real. I will not wake up and it be true.
What's not real: Thinking that everything is going to be okay.
I am trying to put all of the Negative things that I have in my head out of them. I am trying to think of reasons to be happy and be positive. That is the reason for today's post. I have to try and remain positive.
However!!!!! The seed of doubt is a big one.
If I can just get through it, I can live. If I can just stop doubting that I can move forward. If I could just have peace than I can breathe. And then and only then, can I stop with the worry.
In my life I am going through a lot of things that are uncertain. Life in general is uncertain. But, I have more than that. IVF is a big thing that comes with a lot of risks, and not a lot of return. I am worried that I will have taken the risk, with no reward. I'm not sure how to accept that. I'm not sure how to keep going after that. There is no answer. There are no kind words. There is nothing that will change it. I know that there is a bigger story than this. My story will not be over. But, I'd love to just have my baby. My boxer only fills up so much of that, the rat terrier takes some space too, and even on good days the cat has some room too. But, the baby would fill the hole of my heart. I know that this was almost about nothing. And I know that most of my posts have been that way. Thanks for continuing to read them any ways. Thanks for laughing, crying, and caring about me. Thanks for it all. Until next time, I wish you love and baby dust.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Being (IVF) Outed at Church
Happy Halloween! My most favorite time!!! I hope that you get your fun on today, and are safe!!!
I have been going to a church group for a little while. I have been really wanting to go, and finally my friend took me. It is a mom's group, and for a little while I felt like a fraud; I'm not a mom yet. The first time that I was there I didn't want to share my story, however my friend kept nudging me to do so. I didn't. To be honest, I'm not used to sharing my story in person. People either find out through social media, already know, or they see me become upset over something silly and they find out what is going on. It's not that I don't want to share my story, it is that sometimes it is hard. I get a lot of mixed reactions; some people are really nice about it and think that it is something amazing that I am doing, others ask a lot of questions (Which I don't mind) because they don't understand, some are stunned... then there is the last group: hate/ anger or thinking that this is something that the Hubs makes me do. I don't know about you people in that last group. I cannot say it enough, Hubs does not force me to do this. I want a child, WE want a child and so we have to figure this out.
Anyways: There has been a question that has come up several times that I have been in group. It is similar to this; "Do you trust God? Do you trust Him to follow through on all His promises to you?" This has weighed heavy on me for sometime. And that is when it came out. I told them my story (they are not strangers now) but many of the ladies sitting in that room were strangers, and I am sitting here sharing my IVF story with tears pouring down my face. I got to thinking about why I might have had the tears, because usually I can say my story and I can keep it together, and then I realized the day that it was; or better yet the day after the day that it was. It was the 26th of October, and I realized that I had made it through my due date of the first embryos of the 25th without batting an eye. I was so busy to not pay attention to what day it was. I was thankful for that. I was thankful for sitting with the group of ladies and being distracted until that question came about. I am thankful for anytime that I am busy. Because, if I am not keeping my mind busy, then I am thinking about them. And now I have 3 to think about. I realized that the 26th would have marked the 1st 24 hours of being a mom. And the emotions and the hormones just came up everywhere.
I have yet to figure this all out. I still have a lot of understanding. The hardest part to hear still is; "You can't make the embryo stick, it has to do that itself." I'd rather hear something else. I'd rather hear anything else. It's hard when my favorite time of year comes around and I have no kids to take photos of or dress up. I try to keep it busy, and just think about being thankful for anything. It is hard when some of your times is spent just thinking. I don't know how to get through some of that. I'm trying.
When people come and talk to me about what I am going through, and they try to sympathize with me, I don't really like it. I also don't like when people blame the Hubs, or say that he is putting me through this. That isn't the case. I'm not sure how to say that enough. We are in this together. We are a team, and there is no I in team, there is a me, but that is only if you put it backwards. I have said that my relationship with God has been a struggle. I am not lying about that. I have God on one shoulder and I'm sure the devil trying to sit on the other. I am trying not to listen. I think that this is the path that I was put on. I think that telling my story is what is wanted. I am trusting that it is. I am trusting that this will work. I am trusting. I keep trusting. I keep trusting and I keep praying. So, for now I wish you a Wonderful Halloween and Love and Baby Dust!!
I have been going to a church group for a little while. I have been really wanting to go, and finally my friend took me. It is a mom's group, and for a little while I felt like a fraud; I'm not a mom yet. The first time that I was there I didn't want to share my story, however my friend kept nudging me to do so. I didn't. To be honest, I'm not used to sharing my story in person. People either find out through social media, already know, or they see me become upset over something silly and they find out what is going on. It's not that I don't want to share my story, it is that sometimes it is hard. I get a lot of mixed reactions; some people are really nice about it and think that it is something amazing that I am doing, others ask a lot of questions (Which I don't mind) because they don't understand, some are stunned... then there is the last group: hate/ anger or thinking that this is something that the Hubs makes me do. I don't know about you people in that last group. I cannot say it enough, Hubs does not force me to do this. I want a child, WE want a child and so we have to figure this out.
Anyways: There has been a question that has come up several times that I have been in group. It is similar to this; "Do you trust God? Do you trust Him to follow through on all His promises to you?" This has weighed heavy on me for sometime. And that is when it came out. I told them my story (they are not strangers now) but many of the ladies sitting in that room were strangers, and I am sitting here sharing my IVF story with tears pouring down my face. I got to thinking about why I might have had the tears, because usually I can say my story and I can keep it together, and then I realized the day that it was; or better yet the day after the day that it was. It was the 26th of October, and I realized that I had made it through my due date of the first embryos of the 25th without batting an eye. I was so busy to not pay attention to what day it was. I was thankful for that. I was thankful for sitting with the group of ladies and being distracted until that question came about. I am thankful for anytime that I am busy. Because, if I am not keeping my mind busy, then I am thinking about them. And now I have 3 to think about. I realized that the 26th would have marked the 1st 24 hours of being a mom. And the emotions and the hormones just came up everywhere.
I have yet to figure this all out. I still have a lot of understanding. The hardest part to hear still is; "You can't make the embryo stick, it has to do that itself." I'd rather hear something else. I'd rather hear anything else. It's hard when my favorite time of year comes around and I have no kids to take photos of or dress up. I try to keep it busy, and just think about being thankful for anything. It is hard when some of your times is spent just thinking. I don't know how to get through some of that. I'm trying.
When people come and talk to me about what I am going through, and they try to sympathize with me, I don't really like it. I also don't like when people blame the Hubs, or say that he is putting me through this. That isn't the case. I'm not sure how to say that enough. We are in this together. We are a team, and there is no I in team, there is a me, but that is only if you put it backwards. I have said that my relationship with God has been a struggle. I am not lying about that. I have God on one shoulder and I'm sure the devil trying to sit on the other. I am trying not to listen. I think that this is the path that I was put on. I think that telling my story is what is wanted. I am trusting that it is. I am trusting that this will work. I am trusting. I keep trusting. I keep trusting and I keep praying. So, for now I wish you a Wonderful Halloween and Love and Baby Dust!!
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Untitled part 2
Since leaving facebook, I have felt ever so... free. Plus I have battery to save on my phone. I never really realized how much I checked that thing. Anyways...
I have realized that sometimes God answers your prayers in different ways. And sometimes he isn't answering you at all. That is something that I am learning to handle. I honestly want to be okay with whatever comes my way. But, I am really not good at that. Not even a little bit.
Tomorrow I have to take my puppies (real puppies not my embryos) to the vet. I am very worried about taking them. The Boxer is fine. She is perfect health, she just has to have her Rabies. Hubs will have to take her to the car afterwards, because the rotten dog has as much anxiety in her 70lbs as I have in all of me. Emma is fine too, she is my other rat, she just needs a check up and a rabies shot. It's Jake that I worry about. He has these lumps on him, and he is old. And all I can think of is they are going to say something about him, and I am going to lose my mind.
Right now my dogs are my kids (I include the cat as a dog, because he is weird and acts like one), and to lose one of them is like losing a piece of my soul. Rotten I know. I'm just worried.
Okay, so I don't really have an update. This is just simple life, leading a simple life. (Okay it's not really that simple.) As I am sitting at my keyboard with writers block, trying to think of a way to wow you; I have none. I think about my story, what is the purpose of this and that, what is the next chapter of this book of life? But, isn't that the way life goes? You are not really writing the book, you are living it. But, as I sit here trying to write, I realize that tomorrow is a blank page for you to live again. Even if you sit around trying to be productive or change things, you can or you can't.
I guess my update is that I have a lot of worry. In a person that has worrying in her jeans, I have a lot to worry. I want to stop worrying but how do I do that?
So, if you need to find me, you can find me here. If you need more daily updates you can find my on instagram, which I must warn you they are mainly updates on my puppies. For now as always, I wish you love and baby dust.
I have realized that sometimes God answers your prayers in different ways. And sometimes he isn't answering you at all. That is something that I am learning to handle. I honestly want to be okay with whatever comes my way. But, I am really not good at that. Not even a little bit.
Tomorrow I have to take my puppies (real puppies not my embryos) to the vet. I am very worried about taking them. The Boxer is fine. She is perfect health, she just has to have her Rabies. Hubs will have to take her to the car afterwards, because the rotten dog has as much anxiety in her 70lbs as I have in all of me. Emma is fine too, she is my other rat, she just needs a check up and a rabies shot. It's Jake that I worry about. He has these lumps on him, and he is old. And all I can think of is they are going to say something about him, and I am going to lose my mind.
Right now my dogs are my kids (I include the cat as a dog, because he is weird and acts like one), and to lose one of them is like losing a piece of my soul. Rotten I know. I'm just worried.
Okay, so I don't really have an update. This is just simple life, leading a simple life. (Okay it's not really that simple.) As I am sitting at my keyboard with writers block, trying to think of a way to wow you; I have none. I think about my story, what is the purpose of this and that, what is the next chapter of this book of life? But, isn't that the way life goes? You are not really writing the book, you are living it. But, as I sit here trying to write, I realize that tomorrow is a blank page for you to live again. Even if you sit around trying to be productive or change things, you can or you can't.
I guess my update is that I have a lot of worry. In a person that has worrying in her jeans, I have a lot to worry. I want to stop worrying but how do I do that?
So, if you need to find me, you can find me here. If you need more daily updates you can find my on instagram, which I must warn you they are mainly updates on my puppies. For now as always, I wish you love and baby dust.
Monday, October 10, 2016
It would be easier...
Honestly sometimes I think that it would be easier to call it a day, and get another boxer.
Look at that cute face. (and that isn't even my girl.) But, then I realize how far in we are, and I realize that if I give up now, I'll have so many regerts that they outweigh everything else. Yes, I put myself through this. No one is forcing me. I want a baby, and this is the option. When you believe that this is your point, that this is your purpose, then you keep doing what you have to do.
It is funny how this has become my story. This is my book of life. I think that I say that often. I wanted to change the world, and sometimes I feel like this is how I'm going to do it. Did you know that most insurances don't offer you any type of discount on fertility treatments? Did you also know that they will cover some things to find out why you can't have baby, but they will not help you make one? Did you also know that it is expensive to have a baby, some couples pay for birthing their children until they are 2 and 3 years old? If you have male issue fertility then there are some help out there for you. Most insurances will pay for surgery or anything else that your partner will need to create a child. I really thought that Obama was supposed to fix that for all of us? I mean shouldn't I have access to the health care that I want and need? I thought that was what it was? I also thought that I was supposed to be able to get a job that I wanted after completing college? It was what my generation has been told over and over again.
I know that this is ranting. I get it. I also get that you are sometimes tired of hearing me rant, but you keep reading my blog, so something is keeping you coming back, and thanks for that. All political things aside, we are just trying to keep working through this. We are close to the holidays, ugg the food one. I hate Thanksgiving, don't judge me. But, I am not one for food holidays. I am way too picky and really I could just spend time with family and be fine. I like Christmas for the gifts, I like to give. But, lately I have been awful at giving things. This is probably not the best time to find out that you are not pregnant. In fact it is the worst time. I remember when we were trying the natural way. I hadn't become vocal, and my period was late, it was no big deal. I really never had a time where it came when it was supposed to. But, we decided to test... around Christmas time. It was negative, I just cried. I also remember thanking, okay I have to act normal the rest of the day. And I really don't want to do Christmas right now. When these test come out negative, I just want to spend the day in bed. (I did that last Monday.) I ordered pizza, I drank a soda and I just layed on the couch under my covers. The protection of my covers is unlike anything else.
It is also hard to pick yourself up and get going with life again. I just remember that negative test around Christmas time. How I cried at home, and then just pretended to be normal all day. That is what I do. Some days I'm really good at it and some days I totally suck at it. When a customer comes into work, and I try and act happy, and then they do something stupid and I get all pissy, yeah I'm just trying to act normal. Normal, what even is that??? Well, I can't spend my entire day blogging, or bitching. I have things to do. But, I really want to spend my day in my pjs. So for now I wish you love and baby dust.
Look at that cute face. (and that isn't even my girl.) But, then I realize how far in we are, and I realize that if I give up now, I'll have so many regerts that they outweigh everything else. Yes, I put myself through this. No one is forcing me. I want a baby, and this is the option. When you believe that this is your point, that this is your purpose, then you keep doing what you have to do.
It is funny how this has become my story. This is my book of life. I think that I say that often. I wanted to change the world, and sometimes I feel like this is how I'm going to do it. Did you know that most insurances don't offer you any type of discount on fertility treatments? Did you also know that they will cover some things to find out why you can't have baby, but they will not help you make one? Did you also know that it is expensive to have a baby, some couples pay for birthing their children until they are 2 and 3 years old? If you have male issue fertility then there are some help out there for you. Most insurances will pay for surgery or anything else that your partner will need to create a child. I really thought that Obama was supposed to fix that for all of us? I mean shouldn't I have access to the health care that I want and need? I thought that was what it was? I also thought that I was supposed to be able to get a job that I wanted after completing college? It was what my generation has been told over and over again.
I know that this is ranting. I get it. I also get that you are sometimes tired of hearing me rant, but you keep reading my blog, so something is keeping you coming back, and thanks for that. All political things aside, we are just trying to keep working through this. We are close to the holidays, ugg the food one. I hate Thanksgiving, don't judge me. But, I am not one for food holidays. I am way too picky and really I could just spend time with family and be fine. I like Christmas for the gifts, I like to give. But, lately I have been awful at giving things. This is probably not the best time to find out that you are not pregnant. In fact it is the worst time. I remember when we were trying the natural way. I hadn't become vocal, and my period was late, it was no big deal. I really never had a time where it came when it was supposed to. But, we decided to test... around Christmas time. It was negative, I just cried. I also remember thanking, okay I have to act normal the rest of the day. And I really don't want to do Christmas right now. When these test come out negative, I just want to spend the day in bed. (I did that last Monday.) I ordered pizza, I drank a soda and I just layed on the couch under my covers. The protection of my covers is unlike anything else.
It is also hard to pick yourself up and get going with life again. I just remember that negative test around Christmas time. How I cried at home, and then just pretended to be normal all day. That is what I do. Some days I'm really good at it and some days I totally suck at it. When a customer comes into work, and I try and act happy, and then they do something stupid and I get all pissy, yeah I'm just trying to act normal. Normal, what even is that??? Well, I can't spend my entire day blogging, or bitching. I have things to do. But, I really want to spend my day in my pjs. So for now I wish you love and baby dust.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Currently Untitled
I am not sure where I fall into this category. October is Pregnancy and Infant loss month, as well as many other things. So I don't think that I really fall into this. Factually I have never been pregnant, only PUPO (it is what we in the IVF world call the 2 week wait from transfer to pregnancy test, PUPO stands for Pregnant until proven otherwise) I have had 2 of those. So, I will not say that I am 1 in 4 because I have not lost a pregnancy, and I haven't lost a baby. I have only lost an Embryo, 3 of them to be fact. So, I am still the 1 and 8, and will spam you with that when Infertility month comes around. (I guess that is a little PSA for you.)
We were trying very hard to hide the fact that we had a transfer. But, I am honestly not a cryptic as I'd like to be. I personally told a few people, and many of my family knew. We had every hope and intent that this was going to be it. That this would be our baby. The stars were lining up. It was fall (in face we transferred on the first day of fall) and test day was on the 3rd of October, and you know me you know my thing with 3's. But, as luck would have it I began to doubt some VERY serious symptoms that I was having, and when it gets in my head, there is no turning back. I was praying that it was all in my head, not the symptoms of course, but the fact I doubted my body. But, luck was not on my side, and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative). This time with no explanation.
Let me back up just a little bit from there. On our first try the cards were not in our favor. My body did not like the medication that I was put on at all. The eggs that I made were small, and of low quality. On our last test Dr. Bateman asked if we wanted to continue, or if we wanted to stop and try something else. Hubs and I were so sure that this first time was going to be our only try and it was going to work, that we wanted to continue. We should have stopped that day, paid another 10K and got the money back guarantee package. Hindsight is 20/20. That is what we should have done. Those babies were not meant to be ours, but it doesn't mean the pain of losing them was any different than it was this week.
Because we were not offered any sort of explanation from the nurse who called and told us about the BFN, Hubs wanted me to make an appointment to talk to the Doctor. Honestly it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I didn't want to make another trip, for nothing, and really didn't want to talk to anyone. But, sometimes as a spouse you do things for your husband that you don't want to do, and you make the appointment and you go and talk. I'm glad that I did. When I go down there for my general appointments I don't ask too much. Usually I am in a hurry because I have to make the hour drive back and go to work, other times I am just so excited to see the growth of my eggs when we are going through that time that I just have too much on my mind to think about anything else. So I am glad to talk to the doctor, when he isn't looking at my hooha. (Side note, I was pissed that the receptionist would not allow me to see Dr. Bateman, she said that because Dr. Williams, who I had not seen since June did our initial consult, that they keep you with that person, and I had to see him. Not a bad guy, just when you haven't seen him since June and it is now October, it kinda makes you scratch your head.)
When I went down there, I had in my mind that they were not interested in getting me pregnant, that I was just a random woman that they were going to take some money from, that this was not going to work and then I was going to just stop going down there. After talking to Dr. Williams I felt differently. You see some how some way we made a perfect Embryo, don't ask me how, but we did. Embryos are graded 1 to 8, 1 is the worst, 8 is the best. It is very unlikely to get an 8, and we made an 8. We also made a 7. So, then what is the reason that this didn't work. I'll quote Dr. Williams, "You can't make the embryo stick, there is nothing physically or scientifically that can be done to make it stay, it has to do that on it's own, you did everything perfect." My blood tests were great, everything was great. My puppy just didn't want to stick. Am I devastated? Yes. Do I feel like I can come back from this? Well that has yet to be determined.
The sting is still raw, and it is new.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)