I have a lot to say

I don't often have a ton to say about different things.  I like to keep things simple, I talk about fertility/infertility, IVF, babies, and at times really random things about some different things to come to mind.  Sometimes, I guess I do have a lot to say.  Many things are hard to say, I don't pretend that anything is easy.  Sometimes what comes to mind is like this: you are on a diet, but you really want a cheeseburger, you can imagine everything that is on that damn burger, and your mouth even waters over it.  But, you can't have it.  You can't cheat on your diet, you have to stay the course.  That is how my thoughts are today.  I have to stay the course.  

I don't really want to.  I am angry and I just want to say my peace.  I am over this situation and I don't want it to happen any more.  So, instead of what I truly mean to say, I'll just go with some facts and statistics.

Alcohol is the most commonly used addictive substance in the United States:17.6 million people, or one in every 12 adults, suffer from alcohol abuse or dependence along with several million more who engage in risky, binge drinking patterns that could lead to alcohol problems.

al·co·hol·ism

ˈalkəhôˌlizəm/

noun

noun: alcoholism

1. an addiction to the consumption of alcoholic liquor or the mental illness and compulsive behavior resulting from alcohol dependency.

These two facts are pretty staggering.  17.6 million people is a lot.  And I'm sure that there are many more that are undocumented.

When I first began dating my Hubs (it is weird to say that I was dating my hubs, like he was my hubs before my hubs), I used to hate the fact that he would have a beer here and there.  You see much of my life I was told that alcohol was really bad. My grandma was and alcoholic and she used to be really mean, I am told this story a lot; she is old now but it still haunts her.  Anyways, I used to get on him all the time, telling him that he didn't need to do it.  He tried for a long time to change my mind.  

Hubs changed my mind around my 20th birthday, maybe a little before that.  Plus I had a friend that was old enough to drink legally and she was a ton of fun to be around.  We would have get-to-gethers with friends, where we would collect keys, and then hang out until 2 or 3 in the morning.  Being that young was fun.  

When I went off to college at 21, that changed.  I stopped doing that.  I would rather be someone's driver or the sober one at the party.  I won't say that I never drank, but it lost its funess, and I didn't see the need to do it all the time.  Also around this time I found out that my grandma had been lying for sometime and even though she was in pretty poor health she had been smoking, or never really stopped.  I spent I think the first month away at college not talking to her.  I would call my grandparents house and ONLY talk to my Pappy.  I was so angry with her.  She was doing this to herself and I really didn't understand.  

I know realize that she traded on addiction for another.  My grandma really never got help for whatever made her drink that heavy in the past, so she traded drinking for cigarettes.  Her health has gotten pretty bad sense then.  

I'd like to sit here and tell you that I don't really have any addictions, but considering that is what I come from, I am pretty sure that I do.  It could be something simple, or something complex I really don't know.  I don't feel like I have it, but I'm sure that I do.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  

I think that addiction is a part of many peoples lives.  If you watch "Intervention" on T.V. than you know that it does.  But, you really don't need to watch that show to know.  I go to church and I hear about it all the time.  It's at work too.  

Anyways, I guess that I did have a lot to say.  So here it is.  There is my lot to say.

Smile

"Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile"  -Nat King Cole

Yesterday was church night.  I am usually very focused on the lesson.  Last night was not the case (and now I'm not sure if I can focus on this blog).  I have reached a point, which I think was a long time coming, where I think that this will not work out.  All of the optimism has been sucked out of me and I cannot muster up any.  Hubs keeps telling me that we have come so far, but I don't feel like we have even moved forward.  My heart is breaking.  And because of it, I cannot focus on anything more than 5 minutes.

On Sunday I had a panic attack (don't freak out here, people have them it is not a bad thing) I was in the bath room changing my clothes, walked to my closet to pick out my clothes and fell on the floor bawling.  There was only my dogs to my rescue.  I sat there for a good 30 minutes.  I couldn't stop.  I had to talk myself out of it.  Tell myself to get up, keep moving.  I tell myself that a lot.  Sometimes I have to tell myself that to get out of bed, keep moving keep going.  Sometimes it works, and sometimes I spend the entire in my jammies on my couch.  

Back to church.  I honestly have no idea much of what was said.  I cannot focus.  What I was focused on was my anger.  Because, if I focus on how mad I am then I can pretty much get through things.  I won't cry, and for a little bit I can either be quiet or I can act normal, even though I don't know what normal is these days.  I focus on how I can't believe that things are happening like this.  I try to put the blame on me, apically if I'm in church, I don't want to blame it on God.  Sometimes, I act out after I'm angry.  That is when I'm most ashamed of myself.  I am trying my level best to be an adult.  And it just doesn't work out.  Damnit.  

I'm thinking about going to a counselor.  I have been toying with the idea for while, I never really liked it.  But, I don't know that I will get better with it if I don't.  I don't know if I will be able to do life if I don't.  I don't know if I'll feel better if I do.  I just wish that I could figure it out.  

I also keep having these horrible dreams.  I pretty much cannot sleep after I wake up from one.  My sleep is really important to me, so when I have nights like those, I really should just learn to get up and do something else other than lay there and toss and turn.

I know that a lot of people don't want to ask me about my IVF, it is a loaded question, and trust me I really don't want to answer, but I think that everyone is wondering.  I don't think that I have an answer that isn't a tail spin.  The simple thing is, it didn't work.  The other answer is no one knows why.  How I feel about it?  I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I don't understand.  When you just want to be a mom you have to try and figure stuff out, and you have to figure this out... without help!!!  Enough.  Smile, even though your heart is breaking....

I hate pants

I really hate wearing pants.  I pretty much always have.  If there not blue jeans or something like the above picture, I really don't want to put them on.  I'll wear leggings too, even though I really do feel too old to walk around in leggings, but I do it (I cover my bum and lady parts, I'm not walking out of the house with all that hanging out).  I'd rather wear a dress or skirt (really a maxi skit, if I had 50 of them, I'd be set).  But alas, I don't wear skirts or dresses ever day (I do in summer.. I hate shorts, but that is for a different day).  So you would be surprised at the fact that I actually need pants.  Yet, I'm in no mood or hurry to find any.  

At my job we have pretty strict dress code.  We are one of the only banks that is still pretty traditional.  (No body jewelry, had to give up my nose ring :(, no excessive piercings, I'm walking a fine line, because I believe that I should be able to do what I want with my ears, no visible tattoos, I don't have any so I'm good with that.)  But, I think that this is ridicules, because the bank that is not even 1 mile from us has a lax dress code, and there business casual is better than ours.  I just can't get behind it.  

I ask my boss a little bit ago if I could wear a pair of leggings under one of my skirts, because it was cold outside.  To, which if I did, I would be a violation of dress code.   I still don't know how this is possible, and on days like that I wish that I could just be a mermaid, even if I was a weird creepy one like the ones at the bottom of basilisk lake in Harry Potter.  (PS if my boss is reading this, I'm not upset with you, I know that you are just doing what you are supposed to and adhering to the dress code.)  But, it's cold and I can't cover my legs, I'm not going to wear leggings and shirt, I'm going to put my skirt on and then warm my legs.  I just don't get it.  

And yes in case you are wondering, it is on the dress code as unacceptable clothing.  I think it is crazy.  So, I am in this place where I need pants, the pairs that I have have snags in them, and they are getting worn. I have had them for 2 years and wear them a lot.  They have held out which is great, but they are slowly becoming unacceptable to wear to work.  I don't want to buy pants, I'd rather buy skirts and dresses and call it a day.  Which is pretty much what I keep doing every time I buy clothes, which means, I still don't have pants.

I feel like maybe I should just walk into work dress like I want one day, and see what happens.  But, then if I'm not in dress code they could send me home to change, which means more dirty clothes so that can't happen.  I'd also like to come to work in the above pants and not be sent home, but I am pretty sure that I would be sent home for those too.  So, I will just go out and buy pants and wear what I am supposed to wear.  Until, the one day when they finally change the dress code, that or replace us with robots.

Love with out restriction

"Let love be without dissimulation.  Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good."  Romans 12:9



(Disclaimer that is not my baby, but still just as cute.)

Sometimes when I read the bible I am much like the above photo.  I'm not sure what is going on. I am hopeful that in time it will hit me like a load of bricks and I will get it.  But, that is not the case.  

So, let me try with the first half of that verse from Romans: "Love without dissimulation."  I think that means to love with out reservation.  Let me first say, that is not me AT ALL.  Along time ago in this place that I like to call high school, that was me.  Then my heart got broken a couple of times and I stopped all of that.  I have struggled to get back to that.  I struggle a lot.  But, I am not shy about trying to point out my flaws and trying to understand what they are.

I am trying hard to be the good in which I want to see.  However, a lot of people think that I am mad when sometimes I either need a break or I need some time to myself.  I don't often ask for time to myself.  In fact, I really don't like to be by myself.  But, with all the infertility struggles that I have had, I have learned that sometimes I need to just do it.  I have to take a time out, it doesn't mean that I am mad or that I don't love or like you.  I just need some time.  

"Abhor that which is evil:" here I am lost.  So, if you google the word "abhor" it means: regard with disgust and hatred. I could go a lot of places with that.  I should hate evil.  I should be disgusted by evil.  I am not.  I let evil dwell in the depths of my heart and fester like a boil.  I don't let it go.  I also don't forgive.  Which, I was watching something the other day, and it hit me like bricks... the person said "forgiving is not letting go with what someone has done, forgiving is having peace with yourself."  Well, there you have it.  I have no peace with myself.  I cannot find that peace part of it.

I have been on what I call and IVF break.  I am not at peace with it, I am keeping it all in.  So much to the point where I cannot talk about it.  I went to the dermatologist yesterday.  Did you know that your skin issues could be your bodies way of processing stress?  I didn't know this until yesterday.  My body doesn't show stress, when I am stressed I just don't let it go (okay sometimes I do have a crying panic fit, where I can't stop crying, however I haven't had any of those in a while...I should probably allow myself to have one, so that maybe my skin would clear up??), so my skin has decided to show it.  But, I really don't feel stressed.  I just feel that I am in this hard spot that I cannot express how I feel because I really don't know how I feel.  

One thing that I do feel is that my body is broken.  Because, I haven't gotten pregnant I feel like I will NEVER become pregnant.  Today is my dad's birthday, and he said I'm just waiting to be a grandpa.  (I know dad, I'm working on it.)  I feel broken because I can't just get pregnant.  It's crazy I know.  I also know some things that I CAN'T handle.  I know that I just can't do it.  One of them is when a woman says that she is pregnant.  I about lose my shit every time.  I think, why not me.  When is my time.  Why isn't any of this working.  

I also feel broken in my career.  I feel like it isn't enough.  I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing.  In blogs before I have said that as far back as I can remember I remember wanting to be a teacher.  But, the cards were not dealt like that.  As much as I tried for them to be, I just couldn't make it work.  One stupid "d" kept me from getting there, and I gave up WAY too easy.  So, now at 31 I am going to go back to school, but not to be a teacher, to me a school guidance counselor.  I have not choice this time but, to make it.  When hubs went back to school I put stipulations on him, and he has in turn put them on me.  So, we will see how this goes.

I also feel broken in my health and fitness.  I need to get a handle on this.  No, the gym is not the most ideal place, and I feel intimidated and scared, however I'm going to do it.  The diet is going well.  I have this.  No carbs no dairy, foods from nature.  I just have to get the fitness.

I am sorry that I was long winded.  I guess that when I don't have much to say, I have a ton to say.  Love and baby dust.
  

Stuck

I have just wrote about half a blog and deleted it all.  Sometimes those thoughts are not meant to come out just yet.  

I am stuck.  Mentally, stuck.  I have come to a point in this process where I don't know how to handle myself in certain situations. I cannot break down the wall and figure it out.  For that I may need some therapy one day.  But, for right now I'm just trying to push through.  Or, I am trying to learn how to push through.

The only thing that I really know how to do is to hide, in my house.  You would think that I was really good at hide and seek at a child.  But, I was awful at it.  I would give myself away because I would start laughing the minute that someone came near me.  

I had all sorts of points in this blog, but none of them seem to be materializing.  I could start over, but that seems like a waste. Let me try again....

I have a hard time knowing that people are pregnant (there is the point of my blog).  I don't know what to do with myself.  For the longest time I would just try to think "oh your time is coming" (meaning me not them).  But, now I just can't help but be sad.  Sad, because I don't know when my time is coming.  And sad because the years don't stop coming.   

I am also having a hard time right now because after our 2nd IVF cycle and coming down from the IVF meds I began to lose my hair.  At first it wasn't that bad, and the weather was getting cooler so I thought that might have something to do with it. I do shed more in the cooler months than in the summer. But, it go worse.  Much worse after stopping all medications.  For example, if I try to curl my hair there is not enough thickness to get it to curl.  Other places, my hair brush, the shower, and having to sweep the floor. :( It is not a thing that I know how to do.  I have always had lots and lots of hair.  

I know that many people lose their hair, I understand I get it.  But, I don't know how to deal with all these things coming at me at one time.  I don't know if there is a way to figure it out.  

In other news; Hubs and I started the Paleo diet on Wednesday the 18th.  And if our scale is right I have lost 4lbs and he has lost about 6lbs.  Today is the only day that I have had a craving.  I want some pop corn.  I might give in and have it for a snack tonight.  But, I might be good and not.  Just wait one more day for my foot ball game.  For now I'll leave you with love and baby dust.

"Y" Factor

Every sperm is either an x or a y chromosome, most of us learn this in biology, but in case you didn't now you know.  All eggs are female, they only have an x chromosome, so when the two mix the sperm decides if the child is female (x) for male (y).  I never knew that a male could have a y factor deficiency.  I also didn't know that this could affect the production of sperm.  See, most of the time we learn that if a male has low testosterone that it will affect the production, but there isn't much more to learn.  That is until you go and see a specialist.  

I used to think that all my Embabies were boys.  Mainly because usually those are the slowest swimming sperm and they are easier to grab (wow, now I thinking that and Embryologist can grab a sperm, when we can't even see it!!!), since we had to do ICSI (that is just a fancy term for taking sperm and putting it directly into and egg).  But, now I'm not so sure.  Now, I'm thinking that I had all girls.  

I have been thinking about the Embabies quite a bit lately.  For reasons unknown to me, I have been thinking about the 1st 2 that we implanted, the most.  I guess I just remember.  I know when they would have been born.  I know their birthday.  I know that they would have been almost 3 months old.  I'm not sure why I hold them so dear?  Is it the first try thing?  Is it all my hopes were in those 2 and not the other 2? Or was it that I was so sure that they were going to happen, I didn't have a  thought in my mind that they wouldn't?

Whatever the reason, when I think about them it is hard.  I wouldn't say that I go daily thinking about them. It is just little things. Such as a date, or when I see twins, or something about twins.  Then my mind wonders to them.  I haven't forgot about the other 2, I just had the date of the 1st 2 in my head, and my mind will not let it go.

I don't like to talk about the Hubs much.  I know that many of you will read this and think that we have found some miracle and are working on it... not the case, stop dreaming.  Simply put, he has a story to tell and I'm not telling it.  I'm telling my story.  Sometimes this is about both of us, but I'm being totally selfish, and this is about me.   

I'm always waiting for the other show to magically drop. I always think that something is going to happen, but it never does.  The heartbreak from IVF is real.  It's a pain that can never be undone.  I used to wonder how these women could do a cycle over and over, how they could try for years, and then still have hope.  I don't wonder about that anymore.  I know why they do it.  They do it because they want a family, and this is the only way that it can be done.  I now put myself there.  I have stuck those needles in my belly, my hubs has to me, and so has my mom.  I have waited for the Beta to come back and be high.  I have waited for Egg retrieval day, and hoped that all 17 eggs that they were looking at come out of my body, and then they don't.  I have said to God, "Y" and then changed it to, "God I have put this in your hands, I trust that this is the path that you put us on, please continue to show us."  The only thing that I can't push through is those girls that are now getting pregnant.  Or got pregnant around the time that I was using my last transfer.  That is hard.  That is something that I doubt will change.  But, the funny thing about those transfers, in September and November, I don't know exactly when those Embabies would be do, not without really thinking about it.  I wonder to mYself if that is God's way of helping me out.  If he knew that I wouldn't be able to handle 3 months out of there year of total breakdown, that one would be enough?  And that one time would happen to be my favorite time of year, and that I would be so busy thinking about Anniversary's and Halloween that I would ALMOST forget until it passed me bye?

I try to think of my blessing and count on them. I try to think about things in a positive.  I try to move forward.  I think of each day as a new chance.  I sometimes think that we are not going through IVF and everything will just turn out okay.  Then, I think that I have fooled myself and just hope that I can continue to do it.  That I can just make it through the day, without crying, or melting down.  With out a constant reminder. I thank you all for the love and support that you have given to me.  So for now, I wish you love and baby dust!!!!

Onward, 2017

I was going to write a blog about how 2016 was hard, and I just wanted to forget it.  So, I'm going to take the part of just going to forget and and run with it.  Instead, I have decided to try and find some positive and get moving with that.

For 2017, there are a lot of things that I would like to get done.  I don't want to call them resolutions, because to be honest I have NEVER been good at keeping those, so I really think that they are a waste of time.  So, I'd like to present to you in no order my so called 2017 goals....

Follow The Paleo diet
Get 10,000, 2 times a week or more
Drink more water
Travel, any where. (Life Goal is to get to all 50 states)
Go to Pittsburgh and watch a Steelers game
Go to Disney Land (CA)
Get Pregnant
Get another Boxer
Be at peace with myself
Continue to tell my story
Pay off some debt
Think before I speak
Be a good friend
Talk less, listen more
Be Thankful
Have more get-to-gethers
Read all of the Harry Potter books again
Read The Miss Peregrine's series
Keep the house clean
Buy less, save more
Buy what I need, not what I want
Not focus my entire time on IVF
Pray
Read the Bible
Believe


I am sure that there are more.  I am sure that I could think about all of it.  I had a lot of good in 2016.  My life is really good.  I just have to remember to be humble and thankful.  I leave you today with a lot of love and baby dust.