That Song on the Radio....

I have loved music for as long as I can remember, I am the "dashboard drummer," my steering wheel is my microphone.  There have only been two songs that has instantly brought me to tear; "If you get there before I do" by Collin Raye.  There are times when I cannot listen to it.  The second song  is "Cowgirls don't cry" by Brooks and Dunn.  If either song comes on the radio, I will change the channel.  Both for a sad reason; "If you get there before I do" reminds me of my great grandma, to this day I do not know why.  The song was a hit before she died, the song to my recollection, did not play on the radio when we were going to the hospital when she died, or the WV when we took her to the cemetery.  From time to time, I do listen to it.  I will sing along with tears in my eyes, and then look to the sky and tell Granny Grimm that I am thinking of her too.  My lead foot doesn't usually get the best of me during that song, maybe it is a way of getting me to slow down.  "Cowgirls don't cry" is an entirely different situation, as I was driving home from school to try and say my last goodbye to my granddaddy, the song played before I got a hold of anyone to know that he had passes.  It also played 10 times on different stations, until I got home.  I kept track and I skipped it every time.  I only heard that song 1 time that day, before I knew that he passed.  That song makes me cry.  I don't often play it.  If I do, I really have to stop the car.  

I now have a third song that makes me cry.  I listen to this one all the way through.  It's called "Mom" by Garth Brooks.  It's about a baby that is scared to come down because God is already taking such good care of him (they use him in the general term, not as in a boy).  This is a hard song.  

My hubby doesn't believe the way I do, there are times when I get really really bothered by it.  I am accepting to the fact that he sees things different from me.  I have to admit as a crazy young 20 something my faith wavered a few times.  As a preteen when my great grandma died, my faith was really tested.  God, didn't answer my prayers and I was angry.  I have always had faith though, I am not the Duggar type believer, (if you don't know who the Duggar's are, they are the crazy religious family that has 19 kids, and will not stop having them until either God intervenes or it is medically unsafe.  They have stopped having kids and are on to grandkids now.  I have always liked that show, because I thought that it was brave of them to come on tv and show their beliefs and get criticized for it.  If only everyone was that brave.) and I am not really the type that goes to church every Sunday, though if I found the right church I would probably attend, (please DON'T leave me comments about how great your church is and that I should come, it would be hard for me to do so.  I'm just not looking to join a church right now.) I am more of the person that believes that there is someone out there that knows more about your life than you do, and has some things planned out for you, you just have to choose that route.  Getting back to the Hubby and I, I sometimes believe that God is punishing me for the Hubby not believing.  I hope that he doesn't work that way.  But, sometimes I feel that way.  My Hubby is not a horrible person, he is really passionate about how he feels about things, he is kind to people and animals, I would not trade him for anything or anyone.  Sometimes, I just want him to believe, and pray with me.  But, I cannot make him and I have to be okay with that, and I am.  

My journey is not easy, I take it day by day.  Some days I am really okay, some days I am really lying when I say that I am okay.  I do know which days those are, and I really try to stay positive.  It is really hard for me to be around women that are pregnant, I have bump envy, (is that a really thing???) I look at them and think, "Why them, why  not me?" (another song "Why not me" by The Judds, great song!).  I also get extremely irritated with people who complain about their kids, okay I get it, it's not all roses and sunshine.... but when you complain all the time.  What did you expect?  Are you basing your kids on someone elses?  I'm sure that you are not seeing the full picture.  Also, I really don't like when people ask if the Hubby and I are okay, he is totally fine.  Sure, some of this is hard on him, but mainly it is hard on me.  He isn't bothered by a bump that walks by him, he doesn't have many female friends on facebook, and I really think that he doesn't pay attention to all that.  Which is fine, and makes him okay.  But, me not so much.  Ladies at work as me all the time, and I have been reluctant to share, I have told one person, as far as I know she hasn't shared.  So, I am going to end this blog with the song lyrics to "Mom," please enjoy and try not to cry.

Mom Lyrics

Music Video

"Mom" was written by Sampson, Don / Varble, Wynn.

SUBMIT CORRECTIONS CANCEL

Little baby told God, hey I'm kind of scared.
Don't really know if I want to go down there.
From here it looks like a little blue ball
That's a great big place and I'm so small.

Why can't I just, stay here with you?
Did I make you mad, don't you want me too?
God said oh child, of course I do
But there's somebody special waiting for you

So hush now baby, don't you cry
'Cause there's someone down there waiting whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel tender, tough and strong
It's almost time to go and meet your mom.

You'll never have a better friend
Or a warmer touch to tuck you in
She'll kiss your bruises, your bumps and scrapes
And anytime you hurt
Her heart's gonna break

So hush now baby, don't you cry
'Cause there's someone down there waiting whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel tender, tough and strong
It's almost time to go and meet your mom.

And when she's talking to you make sure you listen close
'Cause she's gonna teach you everything you'll ever need to know
Like how to mind your manners, to love and laugh and dream
She'll put you on the path that bring you back to me

So, hush now little baby, don't you cry
'Cause there's someone down there waiting whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel tender, tough and strong
Come on child it's time, to meet your mom

Songwriters
SAMPSON, DON / VARBLE, WYNN

Published by
Lyrics © EMI Music Publishing, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Read more: Garth Brooks - Mom Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Living the dream, at least I hope so

What a crazy couple of days it has been, but all in a good way.  You see I always set goals for myself, and once I obtain them I am really shocked.  The biggest goal/dream has been to be a teacher.  In many posts past I have talked about how much it has been a part of my life.  As far back as I can remember I wanted to be a teacher.  Everyone had to play school with me.  I was the kid that would be excited to go to school, (still loved my snow days and wasn't the easiest to get up in the morning.)  I had a kit of school supplies, Im sure that it is around somewhere.  

I thought that my last job would help me with that dream.  It seemed possible several times.  And then it was one closed door after another, I managed to crawl through the window, just to have the next opportunity given to someone else, or to say that I wasn't qualified.  Every year when the school year would start, I would have to wait for full time work.  I was told over and over to just work all the hours with your afternoon cases, which was difficult because it was a constant struggle to get them to meet up with me.  I found some odd jobs to do now and again.  I would sell my Scentsy (crystallstine.scentsy.us) and then try and float.  This last time I did the longest floating stint I could, and then enough was enough.  It was coming on Christmas time and it was just stressful.  To be denied work from August to December, it was enough.  I left.  Yes!  Finally free.  I no longer had to worry about if I would have another client or steady work.  Not only did I leave I found another job.  A better job, yes I took a little bit of a pay cut.  But in the end it is worth it.

I work at a preschool now, part of what I originally imaged for myself all my life.  I love it.  There isn't a day that goes by that I am not grateful that I work there.  I have only been there a month and I have my own classroom.  I will be with the 16-24 months, doing childcare and preschool.  Im so excited.  I think that is looking better and better every day.  I just really hope that some other things in my life come together and I can blog about happy I am about that!  

What I have learned is to not take no for an answer, and NEVER give up on what you dream is, no matter how old you are.  You can pursue it, you can do it.  Just keep dreaming, keep swimming, and keep moving forward!

Testing, Testing, 1. 2. 3. I'm tired of this

Another year has come and gone, (if you are counting for months wise we are almost out of the running to have a baby in 2015 too.) and the holidays are now over.  I have never been so thankful to see Christmas come and go, mainly go.  I was not in the spirit for it this year.  I didn't have lots of money, and I didn't have a little person so it made them so not fun.

Have you ever thought about what life would be like when you neared 30?  I'm sure that you have.  I am sure that it looked a lot different that you imagined it.  I am sure that you dream it differently.  I for one have dreamed it much different.  Some of it is the same, but some of it is not.

What's the same... Married, Puppies, house, car, freinds.

What's different...

Career: I thought that I would be a teacher by now.  As my current career move will allow me to do so, I am no longer so far off.  How far can this job take me?  Im not sure.  But I am willing to go as far as I need to.  

Where I live: So I dreamed that I would live some place where we get a lot of snow.  I love snow.  I love the beach.  So I guess that VA is an okay place to be because we have snow, I'd just like some more.

Babies: Yep, thought that I would have at least one by now.  And I really thought that this entire process would be easier.  In being a human pin cushion I am able to get a blood draw on my own, without the hubby.  I no longer have as much anxiety about going to the dr, because I pretty much know that when I go there they are going to stick me.  

I just wish that I had an answer.  I feel like this is taking too much time.  I understand that I have this process that I have to follow, but honestly I don't know how much more of this "process" I can take.  The result is the same.  If this time doesn't work guess what I get??  More testing....  oh and the hubby gets to go get some testing done.  This is insane.  I am going crazy.  I try so hard not to think about it every waking second.  There are so many people pregnant at my daycare that I am wishing that there is something in the water.  I try not to give them weird glances.  And I am with kids all day so that is hard.  Honestly I just want another dog.  I know that I can have that, and I don't have to try and be tested and pray that it will work.  I can just find one and love it and squeeze it.  


Yeah it is just hard.  Wish me some more luck.  And here is to turing 30!

I make a horrible Friend....

I am not the best friend that you could ask for, I am the friend that you just get.  I am friendly, I think that I am loyal.  But, I have a ton of flaws and am easily replaceable.  The reasons that I give you might not agree with, but this is a blog about things that I am going through and how I feel about my self.  You can take the disagreements to facebook.  I am also not trying to air all of my business all over the place.  There might not be much about me me that you don't know.  But, then again there are some things that I'm not telling!

1. I am a jealous person.  If you do something for one friend and you don't do it for me, I get jealous.  Now, I don't want you to do the same thing that you did for them as me, I want you to do something equally as good.

2.  I am too darn honest.  Please stop asking me my opinion if you don't want to know the answer.  The dude you are dating, I will say he sucks.  The other friend that you have, yeah she talks about you behind your back and this is what she says.  It used to drive my mom nuts that I would do that.  I can't help it.

3. I will treat you the same as you treat me, in everything.  

4.  I will bend over backwards for you, almost to the point of breaking.  After breaking and doing so much for you, and you not returning it I really have to start asking myself if we were friends cause we were friends or you needed/used me at the time and then don't need/use me anymore.

5. I like to stay home.  I don't like to drive, I like staying at my house.  I drive a long way to work, and used to drive all over the place for work.  Please stop making me come to you.  Come to me sometimes.

6.  I have a bedtime and nighttime routine.  Yeah, Im that person, drives the hubby nuts.  I like to shower at night.  If I don't have time to do so then I will typically not come hang out or make plans if I can't have my shower time.  I also like to sleep in.

7. I miss you even when we haven't spoken or anything for years.  I will randomly think about all the good times that we had together and wonder why we still aren't having good times.

8. I have a husband and 3 dogs and hope to have kids one day.... the last part of that statement should have you going as to why I don't make a good friend.  I am busy.. if you know what I mean.

Okay this was just a blog to not blog about babies all the time.  Reading over this blog it is rather depressing.  If I do not blog before Christmas have a good one.  May all your dreams come true!  Happy Holidays!

Bells will be ringing

I have to say that a lot has happened
this year.  From August of this 

year until now, I have felt like I have been at the bottom of the fish bowl, and now I can climb my way out of it.  I have finally found a job, where I will not be laid off during the school year at some point in time.  I did have to take a pay cut, but there is a ton of room to grow.  I am happy about growth.  Because, if you know me the reason I liked Walmart is I could try out all kinds of places and not have to look for a different job.  So this job is really ideal for me.  Please wish me luck in this new adventure.

So Im not sure if I said that I did get news from the doctor, I don't have PCOS.  However, my progestin is in the low end of the normal range and Dr. M likes it to be higher so I go some progesterone.  So far so good.  Please continue to send me happy thoughts and prayers.  I appreciate them.

So, as I have been going through this journey for a year and four months, I have come to some realizations:
1: people will either want to support you or come up with reasons to leave you. 
I can understand this, it isn't easy on the hubby or I.  We can be weird about it, and crazy at the same time.  I will say out loud that I want a baby, I will stare at other people's babies (noticeably) and wonder what our kids will look like.  Hubby just wants people to know when we are doing it.  Yeah we are crazy.  If you have stuck through it with us, thank you.  We love you a ton!

2: I used to be really picky about what month our child would be born in.  Before we were really trying I would tell the hubby that there was not practicing in a certain month cause then our baby would be born in the month, and there were already enough birthday's in the month.  As we have journeyed through this I have no months to be picky about.  I will just be very grateful and excited when it comes. There are no times that are off limits for practicing, so if you call and we don't answer you can assume, we think it's funny!

3: Gender:  now Hubby and I still do not want a house full of boys, but we will take them if that is what God decides.

4: Faith... I have always been a believer, not the kind that goes to church all the time.  Just the type that he is watching and if you pray then good things will happen.  I heard in one week three or four times that God has not picked the baby for you.  Not towards me, but in different things.  Like, I heard it on a show I was watching.  Then the radio, then someone else's conversation..and a few more.  This really seemed to hold true.  We don't know why we are born into the families that we are born to, but there has to be another answer.

5: Hubby and I might be that weird couple without kids, that plan and do and rearrange our house and lives for the kids that we hope to have.  Okay you might have to hang in there for a little bit on this one so that you get the idea of what I am saying.  1st: rooms in our house, if you have come to visit us, we have a pretty big house.  When we invite friends over we always offer for them to stay, we have room and we enjoy company.  Hubby and I have already talked about kicking him out of the office space that it has so that it is a nap/baby/toy/puppy room.  Then we decided which room would house the baby, (no baby yet) we just wanna plan.  2nd: Job, which really doesn't apply for me as I am leaving my job.  The job that I had no sick time, no holiday pay, no leave, no nothing.  The one that I thought was going to advance me into being a teacher.  The one that does not pay for classes for me, but wants me to take them.  The one that will not give me a raise for it.  Then having to work all these crazy hours.  Yeah, I'm out.  I don't have time.  3rd: Hubby and I love kids.  Truly this is one of the reasons that I married him.  He has a big heart, and likes to play with kids.  Hubby is nurturing, and he is a softy... especially for brown eyed girls!  Okay, enough with that!

I want to say that I feel a lot better with this new job.  I have a renewed sense of hope, and want to celebrate the holidays now.  Now time to get the rest of my Christmas gifts and bring in the New Year!  Happy Holiday's, I'm sure we will be talking again!

Please forgive me

It has been sometime since I have blogged.  There has been a lot going on, and I haven't been able to get on here and jot down what needs to be jotted down.  That is not what I want forgiveness for.  

What I want forgiveness for is:  I'm not in the mood to celebrate the holidays this year.  Okay I have shopped and finished many things on my lists.  But, I am not in the mood to put up my decorations, to decorate my tree... none of it.  Can we put it off until next year?  I don't really want or can think of anything to want this year.  I am sorry, but I am going to be hard to buy for this year.  Unless you wanna buy me a Boxer.  

Holidays are a time to spend with family.  I think that is about the only thing that I want.  Oh and some long sleeve shirts, I don't have a lot of those.  Not sweaters, just shirts.  I would also like my phone to not right of things having to do with work.  

Speaking of work, my client called me 7 times yesterday.  7 times! not just 7 in a day, in a row.  I could not answer because I was driving and I was on my way back from a job interview.  I guess that she is one I don't have to schedule with.  I just have to show up on the day that I said and she will be ready.  I really really hope that I get the job that I interviewed for.  I am ready to leave these clients that don't keep the sessions.  I am ready to not have to drive all over and not get the pay for it.  While I would love to return to my school, I just don't think that is going to happen and in order to keep a roof over our head and some food on the table, I need to take a different offer.  

The interview that I went on was not formal at all.  She barely talked to me, and then I was headed into the classroom to play with the kids.  I hope that I answered the questions right.  I just want to get the job.  

Well if you are reading this, you should know that I sell scentsy.  And they are having a week long sale.  You should check out my sight: crystallstine.scentsy.us.  Tomorrow is deals for men.  They have deals until the 7th, which is the last day.  Happy shopping if your are in the Christmas spirit!

Blogging before my appointment

What a couple of weeks it has been, I feel like I have been riding an emotional roller coaster and I can't get off when it stops at the station.  I'm not nervous about my appointment today, but I feel like I am not going to get an answer.  I also have been having the same dream for about two weeks now, and I wake up in tears, if not in tears, then taking a deep breath like, I have been holding it.  I know that my dream will not be true, I know that I cannot be that lucky.

I'm not sure if I want to tell you about my dream, it is a baby dream, but I don't want to share.  I had a great blog planned out, i wasn't going to talk about babies, just life... oh well.

Oh my gosh as I am watching this, I am watching "Gilmore Girls" where Sookie has a baby... UG!

Okay I need a new topic...

So I am sitting in my house looking at my Halloween decorations, that i am allowed to keep up until Christmas.  As I am looking, I don't want to change my decorations. But, I know that I will.  I don't want to change them because it is so pretty in here to me.  But, all good things must end.  Unless you have a Boxer, than good things never come to an end!

I was supposed to go to a Child care center today, and I was also supposed to stop by the office.  I really don't want to do either.  I am conflicted as to what to do.  My job is now offering a case that it 4 days a week for 6 hours, however... it's with an adult.  I don't have the greatest track record with these things.  I don't feel for these parents.  I try and I try, but I just don't have any sympathy.  I am still in shock at the outcome of a court case this week.  First of all, they lied, second of all, really???  I just can't get it.  It's bothering me more than I should, and I just can't let it go.  I think that families in most cases should be reunited, however I don't know that this was the best thing....

Okay, I am out of ideas for the blog for today.  I have my blood work at 4pm.  I am hoping that this is the last, before all the baby blood work that is needed.  I also hope for some answers.  If you are the praying type please pray.  If you are the sending ju-ju type please do.  And if you just want to send some happy thoughts, I'll take those too!