Dancing on a tightrope

If I could dance, my dance would be completed on a tightrope right now....



I'm not sure if it is a balancing act that I have going on, or if I just need to fall, fall hopelessly, forever and just fall.  

It's funny because many people have said that my life lesson in this journey is that I will learn how to not be in control.  But, honestly I think that my life lesson is much more than this.  I think that I have learned many lessons in this.  

Control:  I have learned that there are things that I can control and some I can't.  And while I enjoy being in control there are many times where I like that the control is shifted off of me and on to someone else.  Even if that person is my Dr, and they aren't always communicating to me.

Take time to just be alone:  Don't answer the phone.  Don't talk.  Just be.  I find that sometimes this is the best thing ever.  I am really good at doing in when I am able to take long baths.  I also really like to do it on the weekends.  And sometimes for the hell of it I just like to do it.  I never knew that I would like this so much, until I really had to do it for myself.  During an IVF cycle you are go go, and sometimes you just need to not be.  I need to not be.  

Phones can be stressful:  Sometimes I don't want to even pick up my phone.  I would love to come home and it not go off.  From the time I get home from work, until I get up in the morning I would just like it to be quiet.  And yet we live in this world.  Honestly, from the time of 3 way calling and "Friends" used to try to get me to talk about others behinds their backs, I haven't liked talking on the phone.  I really could live without it.  I would probably check facebook less.  Who knew that a text message could make your blood pressure go up...

I have gotten really good at explaining medical jargon, and using other words for vaginia.  I wasn't sure how I would do on those things.  I did work in the pharmacy for a little while, but I have really gotten better at my skills.  

Putting something into your body that is not prescribed to you, even if it is food, can be stressful.  I never knew that.  I do think about what I am eating and why.  I miss coffee and ginger ale.  I am slowly missing dairy.  I get tired of eating so many veggies.  I have to tell people I can't have soda, alcohol, so much dairy, and trying to limit my gluten intake.  I get funny looks.  But, if it helps to conceive than I will do it.  

I don't speak up enough.  I am leaving that one there.

All and all it is about balance, something that I am not really good at.  I will get there.  I will either balance, or fall and fall. Love and Baby Dust!

Trying not to have meltdowns

I'm really trying to hold my meltdowns to a minimal.  



I have the tendency to overthink and consume myself in anxiety over many things.  But, this week has been a killer.  The Hubs is in New York, on a work trip.  So that leaves me with the critters and my work at home.  I don't really mind that he has to go.  But, sometimes I wish that he would just stay here.  Anyways.  I was okay most of yesterday.  Then I went on lunch and that was disaster.  With all the things that are going on in my life, I forget when I leave for lunch.  I only get 30 minutes, so this can become a real problem.  I try my hardest, but I know that I am coming back late.  No, one has said anything, but I know that it might be coming.  I think that I need to set a timer on my phone, but I can't even remember to do that sometimes.  I go home for lunch, it is only 2 minutes from my work, and it saves some money.  Plus I get to cuddle with the cat, who is pretty happy that I come home to see him.  Anyways, as I am making my short drive home, there are some cars that are pulled over on the side of the road, and this lady is frantic on her cell phone.  I look over and see a man slumped over on the ground.  It is hotter than hell outside, and all I could think is dear God, please let him not be dead.  I didn't stop, I just cried on the rest of my short drive.  My heart was racing.  Meltdown number one, complete.  

Today, I think that I am okay.  The dogs woke me up at 730, and so I took my time with getting breakfast and taking my shot.  I have to give it to myself because Hubs is away.  I did great Sunday, a minor freak out on Monday.  Today was AWFUL.  First I couldn't get the medicine out of the vial.  That should have been my first clue to get another syringe, but I went with it.  After getting the meds in the syringe, I couldn't get the cap back on my needle, which should have been my next clue.  But, I marched on.  I wanted to get it done and over with.  Poke one, the needle won't go in.  I tried to add some pressure, to see if it would go in my skin.  Nothing.  Move higher and I had to let out a little scream, that jab hurt so much and the needle won't go on.  I lay there for a moment, cover my face and with a little more determination, wipe my skin with the alcohol pad and go in for another poke.  The needle will not puncture my skin.  At this point, I'm hot mad, and starting to melt down.  So I go and put the meds back in the vial and make my way upstairs to get a new needle.  The meds go right in the new syringe, with ease I might add.  I lay down, wipe my belly, and poke again, needle goes right in.  And the tears flow.  I am lucky that I didn't get stuck with that needle somewhere else, because I put it down and just cried.  Luckily my shot buddy came upstairs with me and was laying on the bed, she covered my face with hers and we just laid there.  I love my boxer.  I miss my husband.  I cried for a good little bit, and then located my needle next to my arm, and went and put it away.  My belly now has some welts and what looks like track marks.  I assure you that I am not using any drugs.  I decided that I needed to lay low today and not do much.  

I have 3 more days that I have to give myself a shot.  Then I get a break, and the hubs is back home to give them to me for a little bit.  Then he will be back out again.  This part is a little rough on me.  I am no longer scared of the needles, I just can't seem to work the magic that he does and give myself a shot.  To all of you that are able to do that on your own, I think that you are awesome and brave and you keep on doing what your doing.  As for me I'm just going to have to struggle with it.  

So, I really hope that I don't have a melt down tomorrow, as I'll have to go to work and function like a normal person.  There is no lay low.  Also, can this take your breath away heat please go away.  I like all the seasons, and don't really complain.  But, I love my fall and want it to come.  So, with that I wish you love and baby dust.

A Real Update this time...

When they say that, "Anything worth having is worth the effort (or something like that)" I can say that YES I agree.  IVF is hard.  It is harder to explain it to anyone.  Some believe that it is magic mixed with science, others I have to explain over and over again.  I don't mind, there are things that I don't understand.  (For instance my RE nurse said that she wasn't calling anything in, and then she did, and she called in Vaginal Suppositories, when I am on shots??  Makes me wonder if she got the right person.)  

So, I was in my first TWW (Two week wait), this one is the time after the Eggs are retrieved to the time that my body naturally has a period.  I am supposed to get two weeks.  I only got a week and a half, although yesterday was the 2 week mark, and I have been on shot break.  It is so nice, to not have to inject daily.  With a frozen cycle, it is much different.  They want your body to get the IVF drugs out of your system.  However, then they suppress your system, so that your hormones are all out of whack.  OH and I get to take BCP (Birth control again).  I am so tired of taking BCP it is not funny.  You see when I was on it to begin with I never really liked it, it made me feel like crap, and then I never got Aunt Flo, when she was supposed to come anyways.  So, now that I have to take it again, I am so annoyed.  I think that because I'm annoyed, I add a little extra meanness to it.  

These next meds, I have never been on.  I am a little nervous to partake in them.  I don't want to stick things up my vajayjay.  And I really don't want to give myself shots.  So yeah there is that.


Because my cycles are all messed up, I have been getting a lot more migraines.  Yesterday I was on the couch all day, I was so hopeful to get my house cleaned and laundry done, and I couldn't even get off the couch.  I tried some peppermint oil on my temples and I think that my head was too far gone.  I hate migraines, they really need to stop.  I am unable to do anything with them.  I can't care for my dogs, and I am scared that I will get them when I have my kids, and will need someone to rescue me. I think then I will go to the Dr. and demand the medication for it.  Every time I am there and ask, they won't give it to me.  They say that one a month does not count for going on medication.  I say that one a month and not being able to do anything until the day after should count.  I will beg, especially if I have a baby to care for.  I am writing this with tears streaming down my face, just thinking of how bad it was yesterday.   

So that is my update, I am full of migraines and wonder.  And just hopeful that our puppies stick.  That these puppies decided ALREADY that hubs and I will be there mom and dad.  Love and Baby Dust.

Not an update: warning this may offend

I really enjoy "reality TV."  Probably a little too much.  I mainly like the shows that are about different ways a living or marrying.  (Tiny House Nation, Born This Way, Little People Big World, Arrange, and my FAVE Married At First Sight.)  I have been watching this new show on FYI called "Teenage Newlyweds."  I thought at first this show was going to be about why these kids choose to get married at such a young age.  Instead, it is more like they have to get a house and get jobs, and real married stuff.  Which is good.  Okay, not too much to get you hooked I know.  But, I thought that it was interesting.  

So, there is this couple on there, they are both 20... btw.  They are from California, Brenda and Travis.  Travis is conservative, and Brenda is liberal.  (I am generalizing here, but she is Spanish and while I wasn't sure where they are on a political standpoint, I thought that most of them were raised Catholic??  Wouldn't that mean that they are not pro-choice?  Again I am generalizing, but this is what I thought.)  Brenda and Travis had a pregnancy "scare" ( I really wanted to vomit at that word, but there it was, and I held the bile in,)  Travis said that if Brenda choose to have an abortion or that she didn't want the baby he would take the baby and leave her.  Brenda was very upset that Travis would even think of this, she wanted to go to school and have a career; "She didn't want to put her life on hold for a baby."  Are you kidding me?  Now, in this day and age, you are post the "16 and Pregnant" day.  You have seen or heard of "Teen Mom."  Why on earth would you not practice safe sex?  So the couple found out that they were not pregnant.  "Scare" Over! 

Then in another episode they went to talk to a Preacher that was pro-choice.  However, she didn't allow Travis to have any say in anything.  So my question, rant, point: HERE IT IS:  You married him, it's his baby and he has no choice in this?  That is his baby.  You have to watch Travis, he was so head over heals at the fact that they could have a baby.  I am just like OMG.  This guy is willing to raise a baby on his own, just to have a child.  

But, this Preacher really got my thinking.  Do we really leave our husbands/committed partner out of this conversation?  Is this woman really saying that men do not belong in this conversation?  This is where I am getting at as well.  As a married woman, I would want my husband to have say in lots of aspects of my life, a child being one of them.  I mean this child is a part of him and I am in the relationship with him.  I don't think that this is a one sided thought at all.  It is just not right that this woman would do this.  

Obviously you know where I am on the entire Pro-Choice or Pro-Life thing.  I am not telling anyone what to do with their body.  I do think that it is so awful that woman can pay nothing to not have a child and I have to pay an arm and a leg and then some to have one.  Please don't tell me that I am doing my insurance wrong.  There is no coverage.  But, I do think that if the costs were greater to have an abortion, than maybe people would think a lot longer and harder about having unprotected sex.  I'm also not understanding why so many people think that there is this war on woman.  It is not on Woman, it is more like towards woman.  We want the same pay and rights as men.  I personally want a job where I get just as much leave a benefits for having a baby as my husband.  He gets 12 weeks, I get 6.  He gets this amazing credit thing where he can put away for child care and such, and my job just helps you find reasonably priced child care.  He can put the child (not me) on his insurance and not worry about it taking away from his pay, I have to worry about them taking half my paycheck for me and the kid.  This is not fair.  This is what we need to fight for.  Woman have to work.  We can't stay home (okay some of you can, I totally commend you on that, I am actually going to try and work less hours, but this will depend on if the hubs moves up some more).  Alright I will stop there.  I promise that the next blog will be a real update, and not just me ranting on something that I have been watching on TV.  

Love and Baby Dust.

I'm a numbers person

I'm a numbers type of person, well sortof.  



I have a thing about numbers is more like it.  My favorite number is 3, and I try to find things that either divisible by 3, end up in 3, or are generally 3.  Now, that you know that let's move on.  Our first round of IVF, was not successful.  The meds and dosages didn't work well with my body.  After an unsuccessful IVF round the team comes together and discusses (without you) what can be done different.  So they completely changed what they did with me.  I have been on a med called Lupron for about a month now.  It has done the trick.  Last time I only had 6 eggs.  When they were fertilized, we were knocked down to 5.  When they began to grow only 4 survived.  Out of the 4, only 2 were viable.  There was nothing left to freeze, there was nothing, 2 was it.  And they didn't take.  

Now, we are looking at the very least 12 eggs.  That is double what we have last time.  But, there are 6 or 7 on the left side, and 6 on the right.  There is one that is a size 20 (at last check, which was today), and my smallest is about the size of my biggest last time, which was a 16.  The odds, or the numbers, seem to be in our favor.  

I have to say that I feel really good about it this time.  I saw Dr. Smith for most all of my appointments, and if you have been following my blog you know that she is my favorite.  She has a way of easing you, even if she has to tell you something bad.  And she also is very optimistic, she really thinks about you and will tell you if you need to change something to have better results.   I am hoping, being that she said "I'll see you Monday."  That she will be the one that takes my eggs.  But, you never really know.  Sometimes, the Dr. will say see you tomorrow and you won't actually see that Dr. the next day.

So, they are freezing my eggs this time.  All of them.  We are doing a frozen transfer.  And honestly I am not worried about it.  Even though, I don't really know how that is going to go.  Other than, the Dr's have said that they are going to wait for my body to do what it does naturally, not med induced.  That being said...

Hubs and I are only going to let some family know when we are doing the frozen transfer.  The reason being, I want to get back to some normal.  I want to be able to tell people, that we are pregnant (I'm still not pregnant yet, don't jump ahead), rather than them ask.  I know that a lot of people are going to continue to ask, it's okay.  I'm just not going to tell.  I hope that EVERYONE keeps that.  I will be REALLY upset if someone slips up.  Again, I have been open and honest, and I will continue to do that.  It is just I want something to be normal about this abnormal process.   

I am ready for Monday to be here, have you ever heard someone say that?  It will be the last time for a little while that I have to drive to UVA.  That drive is the most draining.  2 hours of driving for a 15 min or less appointment.  I am just ready for that part to be done.  My follies have also gotten big enough that I am cramping.  I feel like there is no space in my tummy for even food.  It is pretty tight, and shots really hurt cause my skin is tight, and there isn't much to pinch.  But the last one is tonight, and I have made it.  A month of sticks and I made it.  We filled up 3 sharps containers, from this cycle and the last and we made it.  

As I have said so many times, Thank you for any kind words, thoughts, prayers and love.  It goes a LONG way and I really appreciate it.  I couldn't do it without support.  I mean it.  Please continue to do so.  I will never ever say that I don't want any of that.  So, until next time; Love and Baby Dust!

Disappeared

So, I'm back to daily appointments, even though the RE Nurse said that I wouldn't be daily.  It's almost over, so I guess that I will be able to handle it.  I can say that this time around, I'm really tired.  A good night's sleep would be great, but being able to sleep in would be the icing on the cake.  

I had a pesky little cyst that seemed to be getting bigger.  Saying that I was worried would be an understatement.  But, today like magic it seemed to be gone.  And I was having some stomach cramps last night.  

I just keep telling myself that this is almost over.  They did give me the paperwork for the egg retrieval yesterday, and that is usually when things get close.  My biggest egg is a 13 and it needs to get to a 17.  I'm so hopeful.  These puppies need to grow, and then they need to do what they do outside my body.  

Last time we called my eggs our baby birds, birds lay eggs and then the eggs become birds.  I am still very attached to the birds concepts, with feathers and all.  I will not change that.  But, this time around we have decided that the eggs are puppies.  And this is because if you know me very well you know my love for dogs.  How, I always want another one.  So, the thought process, is if we call them puppies the we will have a 2 legged puppy.  (Do not contact me saying that you have a real 2 legged puppy that I need to adopt, I am actually talking about a human, and saying that it is a puppy.)  

On IVF round one, Abby our boxer was a nervous wreck.  We thought that were were panicked, but nothing could compare to her.  Boxer butt would destroy my house, she didn't sleep well, there were countless things that I could name that she would do.  This time we decided that she would be part of the process.  As long as she is good.  So Abby has become my shot buddy.  She lays on the bed and comforts me during the shots.  And you may think that it would be crazy, but it is actually nice having 70lbs of comfort to distract you.  There is much space left on my belly that has not been needle stabbed.  They are becoming painful.  So when she smothers my face with hers it is actually nice.  I think that she is pretending that I am her puppy.  The world will never know.  

I am so optimistic this time around.  I know that the main goal is a pregnancy, but I have another main goal.  Enough embryos that are viable and can be frozen.  They mean more tries and at less of the cost.  I still don't understand how this can cost so much and how insurance can provide so little.  Don't they know that 1 and 8 have some type of fertility issue?  I really think that that number should be higher, because I know several people (not just ones I have met on facebook or instagram) but real live people that have fertility issues.  Maybe it is just something that god or whoever knows that we will struggle with so he pulls us together?  I'm not sure.  But I know that I need you all.  Again I bid you love and baby dust.

14 days on Lupron

14 shots in, and still more to come. As many of you know I have been on BCP since the day after we got back from FL.  They make me wonky and they help me to have no filter.  I had to take them until the 5th of July.  Then if the process goes, I am supposed to get another period.  (Ugg lets chalk that up to #2!! Puck you mother nature.)  I knew that it would take a few days, you can't stop your BCP and then magic happens.  But when Saturday rolled around, and "Aunt Flo" didn't rear her ugly head, I got concerned.  I called the Dr. but because it is not an emergency I had to wait until Monday to call.   Which let me just tell you that RE office's on a Monday are hell, and they DO not call you back.  Till the end of the day.  

So Tuesday I high tailed it down to UVA, with just barely any signs of "Aunt Flo."  Praying that I was dreaming and that this wasn't happening.  But, low and behold.  



Dr. Smith; who is my favorite, I cannot tell you enough good things about her.  She is just the best.  Dr. Smith looks at my left ovary... 11 follicles!  YES!!!  Mind you by this time in my room, is me, the hubs, the nurse to take my blood, Nurse Bonnie, Dr. M (an intern assistant), and Dr. Smith.  I am a little overwhelmed with that amount of people looking at my lady parts.  But, whatever, I have 11 follies on one side; Happy Dance!!

And then Dr. Smith pans to the right side... and she goes there it is.  



One of the reasons that I like Dr. Smith is because she doesn't sugar coat anything.  There is no quiet whispering between me and my hubs.  She doesn't just talk to my Hubs like Dr. Bateman does and she doesn't rush me like Dr. Williams.  And like all the oxygen has left my body, Dr. Smith pans the synogram screen towards me, and says there is the reason that you are not having a period.  A 15 in size cyst.  Damnit.  But then, like that magic that she is and the happiness that she holds she and Nurse Bonnie decided that they need to exam my uterus and notice that I have a thin lining, which that I think that Nurse Bonnie is gonna jump for joy over.   And Dr. Smith says that it is beautiful.  Dr. Smith pans back to my right ovary and counts that I have 7 follicles.  17 total.  I can feel the air coming back to me.   Dr. Smith explains, which I am so glad that the Hubs is paying attention, that if the cyst is not estrogen producing then we can proceed as planned.  However, if it is producing estrogen I have to stop the shots, wait to cycle out and start again.  Ugg, sent home to wait for a phone call.  Or better yet, sent to work to wait for a phone call.



When the RE's have good news or something that they want you to do right away, I generally get a call at about 1pm, sometimes 11am if I have been there by 8am.  However, when they have bad news, they wait all day long.  When we found out that we lost our baby birds, they waited until 2pm; our appointment was at 830 that day.  Finally she called me at about 430... my level was 42.  Everything could move forward as planned.  Thank you!!!!

I have to say in IVF, it is a roller coaster, you are never out of the woods, there is always something that can come up.  You just think that you will be able to grow your follies, and then have them taken from you, and then returned back to you.  It isn't that simple.  No cycle is ever the same.  Your body can be in a different place with another cycle.  I am trying to relax and not stress, but some of that cannot be helped.  It's easy to say to be happy, it is much different to actually be happy.  



You also have to teach yourself to be humble.  You have to realize that you have to watch all your friends become parents and realize that you will be the older parent.  You have to hug your furbabies and be thankful that they are easy to come by, but realized that you don't live on a farm, so you can't have a dozen furbabies.  You give up a lot.  You have to fund your baby making, and so you give up going out to eat, or going to the movies, or buying clothes or whatever.  You wish you would have saved.  But, you really didn't know that you would need it.  And then people begin telling you what to do, how to get pregnant, how to spend your money, how you are wasting it, how you don't need this and that.  And you don't have a filter because you are on all these crazy drugs, and they just keep pushing you and you aren't sure where your limits fall.  Or you just want to come in and do your work and think about work things, but someone just keeps fueling your fire and you are not sure how much of it you can handle.  And you hope beyond hope that you can keep your mouth shut until you can get in your car at the end of the day.  But, it never ends up that way.  And you just want to spend a day on the couch curled up with you pups, and you don't want any of the phones to ring and you just want to get through your show without some reference to babies.  You try to be happy and positive and then it all changes, cause you just don't know how far you can take it.  But, you know that the end result will be the most amazing thing in the world and you just have to bite your tongue and hope that you can get there without having a major melt down.  So, until Monday when my next appointment comes.... Love and Baby Dust!