Grudges cause wrinkles

As defined....

grudge

ɡrəj/

noun

1. 1.

   a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.

truth

tro͞oTH/

noun

1. the quality or state of being true.

for·give

fərˈɡiv/

verb

1. stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

for·get

fərˈɡet/

verb

1. fail to remember.

John 8:31-32English Standard Version (ESV)

The Truth Will Set You Free

31 So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, 32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

English Standard Version (ESV)

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

I have been thinking about this a lot.  I always ask for forgiveness.  However, I can never seem to forgive.  I hold a grudge.  And because of that grudge... I cannot forget.  I am not proud of any of these.  There is nothing to be proud of.  If you believe in karma this could be the way that it gets me.  My feelings easily get hurt.  There isn't much that it takes.  I am not made of steel, but honestly this is not what it is about.

I don't know how to forgive.  To truly let to go.  I think that I am in a place where it doesn't bother me, and then I am right back in that place.  And more than that I remember things.  I can play them back in my mind.  I don't usually remember what is said, but I remember the situation.  I remember what it was about.  I want to let it go.  It is so frustrating and trying to go over it in my mind.  Wouldn't you like to just forget???

Without a doubt I would like to forget.  But not only that, I want to forgive.  I don't have much meat to this blog.  There isn't much to say.  There isn't a way to make it better.  This is something that I have to learn to do myself.  This is something that I have been working on for most of my life.  I have let friendships go because I am unable to forgive.  I have to try and not do that as a 30 year old.  We all have things that we want to work on.  If they are self growth or growth in other ways.  We have to know that we are allowed to grow and evolve during our entire lifetime.  We don't have to settle.  We NEVER have to settle.  We should leave to grow, we should learn to think, we should learn to change.  

Remember:

Gonna hold who needs holdin'
Mend what needs mendin'
Walk what needs walkin'
Though it means an extra mile

Pray what needs prayin'
Say what needs sayin'
'Cause we're only here
For a little while

Read more: Billy Dean - Only Here For A Little While Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Happy Fall, Y'all!!!

It's my favorite time of the year!!  Literally,  I am busting at the seams, it's time to turn off the AC, turn on the fans and open the windows.  Oh and all the halloween stuff, haunted houses, pumpkins, horror films...  Okay you get it.  Did I mention pumpkins????

I seem to always have a lot of guilt and self doubt when I am writing my blogs.  Sometimes I feel like I share too much, and other times I feel like I am just a rambling women that goes on and on about the same thing, just a little bit different each time.  Whatever the reason, sometimes I have a hard time sitting here writing.  I don't often go back and read any of what I write.  Sometimes I do, but I feel like it is enough for it to just sit in my head, that I don't need to go back and read it again and again.  

I am writing this middle of the road blog post, as this month officially marks the 2 years of trying to have a baby.  It was this time 2 years ago (okay I don't know a specific day, just a month, work with me here!!!), that we decided that we were going to try and have a baby.  And now I have become a woman on a mission.  I am one person, but I feel like a lot can change with one person.  I am still trying to figure out the best way for us to become more that fur-parents.  But, I have added another mission to my cause.  I want women to self advocate for themselves.  Do not sit blindly like I did and let someone tell you that you are young and to go home and keep trying.  It will be so heart breaking.  Do not defeat yourself and then let doctors tell you that there is something wrong.  Get a 2nd opinion.  ALWAYS.  If within 6 months to a year you are not seeing a change, a result, a pregnancy, whatever it is you are trying for do not stay with that doctor.  For lack of a better word, they are dicking you around.  And you need to not let it happen.

In America we believe many different things, there are many religions, or lack thereof.  There are many ideals, they are many things.  However, I believe that we are women centered.  One of my Indian friends, (not the Native American type, the true Indian from India, and before you get bent out of shape, I am Native American, and I am not being any type of hateful!!) talked with me about how in her country the are mother centered.  The praise the women, she is of the highest honor, she rules the roost, (this might not be everywhere there, but she was talking about herself).  Mother is the one that makes life, and carries on the next generation.  I have always thought about this, mainly because we don't practice this at all.  Men make loads more money than we do, for doing the same work.  It took all 10 years of me working at Walmart to make what my hubby made in half the time that he was there.  I have had to be extra good at my job in order to get a raise, going above and way beyond to get that raise.  Women are still held back.  Yet if you think about it, without us, there would be no future generations.  (I am also not saying that were are only there to make babies because we do more than that, it was just the example that came to my head.)

I look at our society today, and I wonder what it will look like when we are older.  We have become so politically correct that we just don't say much about other things because we are seen as not being agreeable to current times.  I'm sorry but I want to have a difference in opinion.  I want to be able to say it too.  Okay, maybe I am going totally off topic, or maybe it just took me a long time to get there.  But, this morning as I am drinking my coffee and watching 20/20, (btw it's one of my favorite shoes, I could have majored in criminal justice, maybe, but I don't like dead bodies, and I am not gonna work in a prison so that doesn't leave me much.. good thing I didn't major in that!!).  So I'm watching it and it's about this little girl that vanished...  She went out to get Ice Cream and she was gone.  On the episode they talked about how the police looked for sex offenders in her neighborhood, and then showed the map of all the ones that were within one mile of her house.  And if you know me, that gets the gears going.  WHY ARE WE ALLOWING THIS????  Please tell me.  Please give me a good reason as to why a sex offender should be allowed back into society.  And please don't say because they can be changed, because I don't agree with that at all.

The reason that I am also thinking about this is because Halloween is one of the few times that our children go door to door.  And I remember a friend saying that when we moved into our neighborhood, that when there is a sign on the door that says, "No Candy" that is a registered sex offenders home and they are required to put that on the door.  Key word here is registered.  So, when I was walking around the neighborhood last year around this time, (maybe a little closer to halloween) I noticed signs on the door, and I was pretty angry about it.  Of all the things that we are worried about in America, why are we not worried about this?  Yes I moved into my neighborhood, and I am pretty sure, that there are not any on my street.  But, in my neighborhood there are.  I just want to know what can be done about this.  I just want to know about the safety of our children.


Okay, I know that I have given a lot in a long blog.  But I was just thinking about these things.  I am a woman on a mission.  I am trying to do good with the life that I live.  I'm not in any way preaching peace and harmony, but I am preaching answers.  I am telling you not to allow things to just be.  Question, and not once, but all the time.  Ask, talk, be that annoying person.  Be self aware.  Make a difference!

Happy Fall, Y'all!

The thing about 9/11/01

Disclaimer:  I'm not writing this to offend anyone.  I'm not trying to make a point.  I don't normally write about anything other than my life.  If you are offended about this post please DON'T let me know.  It seems that everyone is offended by something, and this is not something to be offended over.  This is just my thoughts on a tragic day.  I was 16 when it happened.  I'm 30 now.  I have a lot of opinions.  But, my thoughts are not to be harmful.




Who doesn't remember where they were on September 11, 2001?  Maybe if you were under the age of 5 wouldn't.  But, everyone normally has a answer for the question.  The thing is do you remember what life was like before that?  I have a hard time with that.  A tragedy such as this is now a bookmark in my life.  After it everything was different.  But, before....

When you are a 16 year old, are you ever thinking about what the future will be?  Some think about going to college other's think about Friday night football games.  I was never really a good student.  I was okay.  I payed attention in class, I did class work... homework on the other had was a different thing.  I hated homework, I didn't want to be bothered by school at home or during my fun time (Marching band, color guard, pep band, football, or basketball games).  I could really paint you a picture of me at 16.  But, it's really a funny one.  I wasn't girly.  But boy was I boy crazy.  I wasn't allowed to date, but I had a few  boyfriends.  My best friends were two boys (one I married, the other was just as boy crazy as I was!!).  Being in your 3rd year of high school you feel invincible.   Considering you have made it through 2 years in high school, in a town that you are new to.  And you have adapted pretty well, with a great group of friends.  You are living the American Dream... aren't those two words haunting??  Considering that there was an American Dream before then... after, well I don't know that any of us are.

Before this day, nothing seemed real.  I was fun loving a care free.  My childhood isn't stapled by this day, I was no longer a child.  I was a teenager.  But I remember feeling really adult that day.  I just remember feeling so much hurt and sorrow.  That some person or group of people could hate so much that they would take innocent lives.  INNOCENT LIVES.  The thing is that I remember bits and pieces of my life before this, but much of what I know is after this.  I remember so many hugs that day, so many hand holdings, so many kids leaving school that day... because either their mom or dad worked at the Pentagon.  People that you may not have hung out with before you consoled.  

Tears... lots and lots of tears...  

The thing is, is many of us know what life was like before this tragic day.  But, now a lot of people don't know that.  All they know is 9/11/01 and after.  Kids grow up in a different world.  A world of war.  A world where everyone is hating on everyone else.  Where politically correct is the thing that is used to try and be "nice" to someone but it is really offending someone else.  I noticed yesterday...  On the anniversary, I try to be humble.  I don't know what it was like to lose someone on that day.  I have never talked to someone that did.  I cannot begin to understand.  I raise my American flag that day, although typically it is up all summer, due to the patriotic holidays.  I wear red, white, and blue...I always have.  But, I have noticed that there has been a shift.  Years after it first happened, on the anniversary we would pause our lives to honor those lost.  Gradually we have stopped doing that.  There, are less things on TV about it.  Less things on the internet.  Less time to pause... then I think about the day that it happened.  I was at school... we didn't pause.  In first block class we had no idea what was going on.  I felt as if we were one of the only classes that didn't know.  When I got into the hall to walk with a friend that I normally went to 2nd block with, she told me all about it.  I didn't believe it, and she told me to shake myself, this is real.  We begged our 2nd block teacher to turn the TV on.  She told us that she was going to teach for 30 minutes before she would (had I known then what I know now, I would have know that she was trying to distract us, however he effort to teach didn't work, more students went home, most wouldn't talk, and then there was more tears..), eventually she gave in a turned the TV on.  3rd block was different.  Our teacher told us that we could stay in class, that we didn't have to go to lunch.  When it was our time from lunch I ran to the lunchroom, literally,  I wanted to escape for a minute.  I wanted to pause.  I needed to be with a friend.  My hubby has always been my best friend, and he has always been this calming voice for me.  Even when we were just friends, he was always able to calm me down.  I still to this day, don't know what it is about him, that does that to me.  But, sometimes I know that it is what I need, and I naturally go and seek it.  That day I ran to it.  With tears rolling down my cheeks, I ran to him.  I don't really remember the rest of 3rd block.  I just remember crying.  4th block was band class, it was split into a history class too... this day was the only day of my entire public school career that I didn't go to all my classes.  I stayed in band class.  Our teacher told us we could stay, but at the end of the day we would have to go home.  I begged the hubby to take me home, so that I didn't have the long bus ride.  I just wanted to go home.  

I watched the news like a crazy person at home.  I even ate dinner in my room, so that I could continue to watch.  I don't know if I slept that night... I don't remember that part.  I know that the next day there was no school.  The rest of the week I don't remember at all.  I remember that I didn't want to go back to school.  Not because I was scared, but because I didn't know who was going to be there, and I didn't want to know if any of my friends had lost anyone.  It was all too sad.


This event has shaped our lives, in ways that we cannot imagine.  14 years later, life looks a lot different.  I don't care what side of the political coin you are on; (and this wasn't supposed to be political)... we have to pause.  And I mean pause for life.  We are so worried about who to offend, that we are not living.  We are worried that someone will walk into our home and be offended about what's in it.  We are worried that if we like this band, this person, this animal that someone will hate us.  We need to stop this.  (This has nothing to do with this tragic day.)  We just need to pause for life.  Take a minute for loved ones.  Nurture relationships, cherish friendships and loved ones.  We get one life (unless you believe in reincarnation), you have to live it.  It has to be something that you want and fight for.  Pause for it, pause to reflect.  Pause to dream.  Pause... take a break.  Dream... wish... hope.. love... live....

"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"

There is nothing like a song to remind you to stay grounded.  To listen and sing at the top of your lungs.  To take deep breaths, to still your mind.  To think of something other than what is right in front of you...

Then there are songs that remind you to work through it all.  Sometimes you have to face something hard and come out on the otherside, to know what you are made of.  You don't have to come out on top, you don't have to win everything.  You just have to know that you survived.  

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down

Boy have I been in the middle of that storm.  Currently waiting to get to the other side of it.  I'm nervous to take whatever that next step is.  And now I don't need someone to tell me to take it.  I am going to take it.  I just need a little time to adjust.  I feel like every day is a reminder.  I don't need someone to remind me of what I am reminding.  I don't need someone to tell me.  Please stop telling me I am begging you.  I get frustrated at the constant.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy my puppies and my life and not remind.  I put myself on this freakish time line, and I have been wanting to get off of it for sometime now.  I can't get off of it if you are always reminding me!!!


The silver lining:

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away

Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

This shit storm, this cluster fuck... is going to end.  In due timing.  Yeah, I curse like a sailor at times.  Sometimes it is the only thing I have.  Sometimes I just pray and hope that all this sailor verbage is not going to send me straight to hell.  But other times it feels so good to say it.  Weather it is in the middle of a restaurant or writing it down.  But, this all will end.  I will be set free.  This will just be a memory, but in my book of life this will be the biggest.  


The confidence booster:

 So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
And walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

You have to look for it.  It's there.  Somewhere, someone is listening to what you have to say.  They are feeling it to.  Find them, make friends, and when you need someone reach out to them.  Weather it be family, or just a friend do it.  You will feel better.  Hold on to the fact that it is still your struggle, but be confident that they can help you through it.  They can love you through it.  And they might not remind you on a daily basis that you are going through it.  Remember what I said, stop it.  It hurts.  I remember, stop reminding me.

And then it tells you that you are going to make it to the other side:

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

You are going to survive this.  You will be free.  If you could tell yourself at 14 that this would all happen.  Don't date that boy, he isn't good for you.  Listen to a friend, when he said that the one boy you really like really likes you too.  Would you do it all different?  Would you make the same journey?  I would tell 14 year old me not to date that first high school boy.  I would tell 14 year old me to run away from him.  I would tell 14 year old me that when you met your future husband to not be so intense with that 15 boy.  That he really likes you, don't push him.  Just let him know that you like him, so that he doesn't make the chase so hard later.  That every step you are going to take with him is worth it.  That when you are sitting down at your computer typing away in your nerdy glasses and he is playing video games that that is bliss, don't take it for granted.  He is going to have struggles too and you are going to have to be a rock to him.  Don't be so hard on him.  He needs you to be soft too.  That sometimes he needs to be a pain in your butt so that you know that he loves you.  That that 14 year old girl would go to college and love it.  That she would miss home, but she would want to be at school too.  That even though she dreamed of being a teacher that life had other plans and you have to be okay with it.  That you would marry the boy who is your best friend, and you would carry his friendship forever.  That it is okay that you view the world that everyone has a chance and that everyone has good, and to not stop believing that in your 20's even though you are going to.  

It's so sad that you can't time travel and talk to yourself when you are younger.  But, it really might change a lot of things.  Some things you might really like.  Some memories you could forget.  Hold on tight, enjoy the ride.  You are going to make it to the other side.  You don't need to be famous or post 1000 selfies to make your dreams come true.  You need to be real and you need to be honest and you need to show people what you are really made of.  Be your self, and don't stop dreaming.  Life is nothing but a dream.

Winnie the Pooh says it best:

When it's not your story to tell

Sometimes I forget that I am telling the world "our" story.  

I understand that you may have read my last blog post, I really hope that I am helping you in whatever you are going through.  However, I had to delete it.  I told too much for the comfort of my Hubbz and he was not a happy camper.  I don't want anyone to be upset about it.  And again I know that you may have read it, but I should have told him what I was doing before I did it.  I can never say sorry enough.

We are struggling, not in our marriage, not with our money, not in our lives.  We are struggling to have a baby.  Many couples go through really hard times.  I cannot compare to them.  I don't want to do that either.  But for us this is really hard.  Honestly we don't know what to do.  (I just want to THANK everyone for any suggestions that you have given me!!)  We are actively pursuing a fertility specialist, but we don't know what to expect.  We are also trying to keep things open for adoption.  And there is always the chance to make our fur baby crew bigger.  

But I should have been more private towards my husband in my last post.  I am willing to share all of me with you.  He is not willing to share and I am okay with that.  So please don't hate.  Just take it as my mistake.  And we will move on form here!!!

A 2nd opinion is worth all the $$ in the world...

Do you advocate for yourself?  When the Dr says something are you okay with it or do you question it?  For the longest time I just went with it... Today I can say "No More."


For about 7 months or more I have been toying around with the idea of going to a different OBGYN.  I wasn't sure if I should.  I was also worried that IF I did go to a different one, that I would have to start everything all over again.  I didn't want to do that.  I have spent 2 years trying to have a baby, I really don't want to waste any more time.  If you have been following me (incase you haven't) things really got to a breaking point last month when I decided that I was going to really work harder at trying to have a baby.  I felt like I wasn't giving it everything that I have, and I wasn't leaving every stone unturned.  

I wouldn't say that I "loved" my past two OBGYN's, my first Dr left for WV, and got married (congrats to her), the 2nd I inherited.  They were both okay, but both wanted to drag their feet.  I kept hearing, your young it will happen.  2 years later and it didn't.  Not only that but when your Dr says one thing and then they say they don't want you to have that, and the nurse says the Dr never said that it really messes with your head.  (Advocate for yourself.)  I kept telling them that this was really frustrating me, that they weren't giving me any answers.  I finally had enough when they couldn't even fax the fertility specialist that they referred me to the proper paperwork.  The next day I went home and made an appointment with the new Dr.

Today I went to the new Dr.  Dr. Bell.  He is FANTASTIC!!!  I was really really nervous going in there.  To the point where I was either going to cry or hyperventilate, I ended up chewing and braiding my hair, just in case you were wondering.  But, Dr. Bel is really nice.  And he really took time to talk to me, he wasn't rushing me out of the office or having me be quiet.  He asked me questions, of course he didn't have much to go by, my OBGYN didn't fax my records.  But for once I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to curl up into a ball and just lay there until tomorrow.  

First: Hubby still has to go to a urologist, he could be half or all of the problem.  Dr. Bell says that simply because I have not been pregnant and I have not miscarried that Hubby could be most of the problem.  

Second: I need to have the HSG test (the uterine dye test), it could open me up enough to get pregnant.  The good news, I don't have to go to UVA.  (Okay I really stared at him when he said that.  Like he stopped, and asked if I was okay.  I said, "You do the test, I don't have to go anywhere?"  Dr. Bell said me and an X-ray technician... you get the results that day....

Let's stop there...  I have been waiting since February to get this test done.  I put it off for a little bit due to the fact that neither one of my old jobs would allow me to have the time off to get it done.  My new job will allow me to.  Then hearing that I don't have to go anywhere.  That my own Dr. can do it for me.  That was just like new to my ears.  I couldn't say thank you enough.  I couldn't be happier.  Ahhh, cloud nine does not compare!!

Sometimes you have to be done with it....

There are many things that I cannot change... things that are beyond my control.  I really like to be in control, not necessarily controlling the situation, I just like to be behind the scenes calling the shots.  

2 years ago when I started this journey, before everyone knew, I really thought that there would be a much different outcome.  And even though I don't want to be, I am sitting on the edge of making the decision that things will not turn out differently.  I put my faith in prayer, I have said a prayer for it every night, and every time it is the same.  In 2 years I have been through a lot.

I'm not really sure what I am looking for anymore, I don't feel like there is an answer anywhere.  I am so hopeful for this new doctor, but am I setting my hopes too high?

2 weeks...  How long is that to you?  If every second mattered, than a week is etrinity.  2 weeks is how long my old doctor's office had Hubby's results without letting me know.  I called them, they said oh we will call back... 2 weeks... you had them for two weeks.  And when I do get the results you can't even give me a number?  Saying that is something that a urologist is going to have to go over with you.  How do I even know if I want to go there if I don't have a number?  How do I know that this is going to work if you are now saying that you don't want me to have my test done too?  Why are you doing this to me?  I called there again to have my records faxed to another doctor's office... oh you need to sign a paper....  slince....  okay thanks for calling... goodbye... I mean can I come in and do that today???  

I really believe that once I am no longer a patient at BLUE RIDGE OBGYN IN CULPEPER, that I will have a big weight lifted off my chest.  I am on a mission now, more than ever to find a better doctor, one that is going to give me results and answers.

I recently went down and ugly turn.  I know this is going to sound horrible, but I told the Hubby that I wish, that I would have had a miscarriage...  Because in that doctor's office they only care about you if you have lost a baby, if you are pregnant, or if you need to have your who-ha looked at.  I am just another 30 something who wants a baby, and seems fine for all that they can see, so they are not trying to rush anything.  Who cares if I have been at this for 2 years... they had results for 2 weeks... Who cares if I have to play phone tag with them all the time... they will call me back when they want to....  

Now who cares if I bad mouth them every chance I get?  If I take to social media and internet surveys and ratings to bash the shit out of them??  Will they care then?  It will be too late if they care then.  I will be gone, and I will continue my mission to slam them every chance I get.  So, if you are in the Culpeper area, DO NOT use BLUE RIDGE OBGYN, you will thank me.  Trust me on this!!!