14 shots in, and still more to come. As many of you know I have been on BCP since the day after we got back from FL. They make me wonky and they help me to have no filter. I had to take them until the 5th of July. Then if the process goes, I am supposed to get another period. (Ugg lets chalk that up to #2!! Puck you mother nature.) I knew that it would take a few days, you can't stop your BCP and then magic happens. But when Saturday rolled around, and "Aunt Flo" didn't rear her ugly head, I got concerned. I called the Dr. but because it is not an emergency I had to wait until Monday to call. Which let me just tell you that RE office's on a Monday are hell, and they DO not call you back. Till the end of the day.
So Tuesday I high tailed it down to UVA, with just barely any signs of "Aunt Flo." Praying that I was dreaming and that this wasn't happening. But, low and behold.
Dr. Smith; who is my favorite, I cannot tell you enough good things about her. She is just the best. Dr. Smith looks at my left ovary... 11 follicles! YES!!! Mind you by this time in my room, is me, the hubs, the nurse to take my blood, Nurse Bonnie, Dr. M (an intern assistant), and Dr. Smith. I am a little overwhelmed with that amount of people looking at my lady parts. But, whatever, I have 11 follies on one side; Happy Dance!!
And then Dr. Smith pans to the right side... and she goes there it is.
One of the reasons that I like Dr. Smith is because she doesn't sugar coat anything. There is no quiet whispering between me and my hubs. She doesn't just talk to my Hubs like Dr. Bateman does and she doesn't rush me like Dr. Williams. And like all the oxygen has left my body, Dr. Smith pans the synogram screen towards me, and says there is the reason that you are not having a period. A 15 in size cyst. Damnit. But then, like that magic that she is and the happiness that she holds she and Nurse Bonnie decided that they need to exam my uterus and notice that I have a thin lining, which that I think that Nurse Bonnie is gonna jump for joy over. And Dr. Smith says that it is beautiful. Dr. Smith pans back to my right ovary and counts that I have 7 follicles. 17 total. I can feel the air coming back to me. Dr. Smith explains, which I am so glad that the Hubs is paying attention, that if the cyst is not estrogen producing then we can proceed as planned. However, if it is producing estrogen I have to stop the shots, wait to cycle out and start again. Ugg, sent home to wait for a phone call. Or better yet, sent to work to wait for a phone call.
When the RE's have good news or something that they want you to do right away, I generally get a call at about 1pm, sometimes 11am if I have been there by 8am. However, when they have bad news, they wait all day long. When we found out that we lost our baby birds, they waited until 2pm; our appointment was at 830 that day. Finally she called me at about 430... my level was 42. Everything could move forward as planned. Thank you!!!!
I have to say in IVF, it is a roller coaster, you are never out of the woods, there is always something that can come up. You just think that you will be able to grow your follies, and then have them taken from you, and then returned back to you. It isn't that simple. No cycle is ever the same. Your body can be in a different place with another cycle. I am trying to relax and not stress, but some of that cannot be helped. It's easy to say to be happy, it is much different to actually be happy.
You also have to teach yourself to be humble. You have to realize that you have to watch all your friends become parents and realize that you will be the older parent. You have to hug your furbabies and be thankful that they are easy to come by, but realized that you don't live on a farm, so you can't have a dozen furbabies. You give up a lot. You have to fund your baby making, and so you give up going out to eat, or going to the movies, or buying clothes or whatever. You wish you would have saved. But, you really didn't know that you would need it. And then people begin telling you what to do, how to get pregnant, how to spend your money, how you are wasting it, how you don't need this and that. And you don't have a filter because you are on all these crazy drugs, and they just keep pushing you and you aren't sure where your limits fall. Or you just want to come in and do your work and think about work things, but someone just keeps fueling your fire and you are not sure how much of it you can handle. And you hope beyond hope that you can keep your mouth shut until you can get in your car at the end of the day. But, it never ends up that way. And you just want to spend a day on the couch curled up with you pups, and you don't want any of the phones to ring and you just want to get through your show without some reference to babies. You try to be happy and positive and then it all changes, cause you just don't know how far you can take it. But, you know that the end result will be the most amazing thing in the world and you just have to bite your tongue and hope that you can get there without having a major melt down. So, until Monday when my next appointment comes.... Love and Baby Dust!
I wanted to give you an update on my week with Lupron. And Lord, I feel like I have been on it much longer than a week. So, unlike most people I have not had any hot flashes. But, I do really want to eat a plate full of french fries every single day. I haven't, but I do want to. Speaking of food and such. I have not done well on a gluten/dairy free diet. I tried really hard, I got sick and have since tried to limit both, but have not cut them out completely. On Tuesday of this week, which happened to be my grandma's 70th birthday, I got food poisoning. Let me tell you , that it is not fun AT all. I still had to do my shots, and do my IVF thing. But, doing it with no food coming in really really sucks!!
I gave myself my very first shot. My hubs didn't want to get out of bed, and so I did it. I thought that I could do it again after one time. I have not been able to repeat the process. Also, some notes on shots: Wake your husband up fully before administering the shot, otherwise he will play darts on your belly and you will bleed and bruise. Also eventually you are going to run out of good space to place a needle, you may need to move over just a bit. Oh and keep track of which side you are on. Such as, odd days left side; even days right side. We have lost count and just hope for the best.
I lasted the 14 days on BCP. I don't really know how I did. I wanted to punch people most days. It is hard to keep an even temperament on those devil pills. You would think that people would learn that you can't keep it together and so they would stop trying. They don't. On Lupron I just feel like a mess. The shots make me sleepy, I don't have much energy. And it doesn't take much to make me say that I need some sleep. I have been falling asleep early and waking in the middle of the night. And no I am not well rested.
I feel much like Aurora in Sleeping Beauty, pretty much in a slumber filled coma, in which I wake from daily. But, the end result is something that I want very much, I just have to get there.
IVF round 2 has been nothing short than another emotional roller coaster; not that I thought that it would be different. I'm just very hopeful that this one will turn out much different.
It is hard for me to put on a brave face daily and just face life. Sometimes when people ask me, I just don't want to talk about it. And sometimes when people ask me I just say it all. I have no problem telling my story, but sometimes I am just done telling it. Like I want this chapter in the book to be over. I want a new fresh page. Then, I think, well I am lucky that I have a chapter to write. And this is a part of me. Fertility is a thing. So many couples go through it. My tiredness is getting to me, so I am going to go have a snack and lay down for a nap. Love and Baby dust.
I think that I should have put warning signs and disclaimers all over this blog. I need a tagline, "Warning: I will probably offend or make you angry at any given time. Proceed with caution. If you don't want to be apart of my blog, then you need to remove yourself from my life until I have made my baby." I also need to wear this around my neck...
(This is from Postsecret, if you have never read the book or looked at you are missing out. I'm sure that this one will be about me one day. Sorry, not sorry!)
Today, I didn't intend to sit down and write this blog about babies or IVF. The thought in my mind was actually going to be about dogs. But, with the time that I have been having, it was there, and sometimes damnit, my fingers do the talking.
I promise you that I am an ordinary person, I am not peculiar, I don't have magic powers (even though I think that my Hogwarts letter is extremely late), but, when I take Birth Control Pills (B.C.P) I feel like a deranged woman. My wonderful hubs refers to it as this: Evil unhappy Crystal. I can't help it. Sometimes I think that if I just be quiet people will stop talking to me, or they will stop trying to change my mood, in which I CANNOT control. However, they go on and on non-stop and expect me to not be irritated. Ugg, remember that I can't control it, and if I randomly till you to shut up, it is because that is the ONLY thing nice that is going to come from me.
You see what people don't understand... is that I get all crazy, to become that crazy pregnant woman. And when things don't go my way, which already bugs me, I get really really angry. I really like to be in control, at least of something, because lord knows that I can't be in control of this crazy baby journey.
(The above was written on Saturday, and now continued, in I'm sure a different way of going on Tuesday.)
So, I found out on Saturday that I have to inject Lupron daily. Not just once a week, so I had a minor freak out, and was really grouchy all day. My Hubs is thankfully, really good at giving shots, so I'm not going to worry about the pain right now. Also, my shots cost me $180, because my Insurance doesn't cover any compounds. I would also kindly like to stop taking birth control.
I'm trying to take this one day at a time. Trying not to worry about an outcome or the shots, or anything. It is a lot harder than you think. I am in a state of worry. I worry that we waited too long to try to have babies, I worry that we won't be good parents, I worry and worry. And worrying is not my thing, it is actually something that my grandma does the best. I need to leave the worrying to her and just pray to God for the rest of it.
Love and Baby Dust!!!
Have you ever been caught in a thought process, in which you can't escape? You keep having the same thought, but it is as if this thought exists in a different story line? Currently I am reading, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, in the story, not to give too much away, there are loops; A day that happens over and over again, however the day is only changed by little things, otherwise the same.
I have begun to feel this way. Like my days are all the same. The only thing different is small things, like what I have to eat or wear, otherwise all the same. My thoughts are much jumbled, and they are not coming out clear at all. I always try not to write/think/talk about my IVF journey on a daily basis, however I have to come to learn it is what it is. This is me now, and I really have to accept it.
So, here I am sitting at my computer at 9:30 at night, trying to do what I do best, dodge around the subject. When I should just do the other thing that I do best and talk about it. IVF round 2 starts tomorrow. Okay, it isn't a big step tomorrow, but it is headed in that direction. So, I wanted to rewind a little bit and just say some things that maybe I have left out, maybe I haven't. It is honestly hard to go back and reread what I have blogged about, some of it is super hard and other times, I just don't want to look at it.
Here it is: Please Press Rewind:
American Honey: I love the country group Lady Antebellum. On their 2nd album, they released a song called American Honey. I was all ears. The song just talked about a girl that grew up with simple things, I felt like it was a girl growing up outside playing, not a care in the world. And so, when I got married, it was the song that I used in our video. American Honey also seem like this sweet loving person, who was just looking for some love and growing. There you go, the name came and here we are, a year or so in. I lost count at some point with having to keep up with how many years that we have been working on this and how many years I have been writing about this.
UVA Reproductive Endocrinologists: for short RE. They are a weird/awesome/crazy/empathetic group of people. I am not sure if I have described them on here, so here goes.
Dr. Williams is a laid back man, probably in his 50's, who is very direct, however he leaves out some things. For example, in our first meeting he asks me to explain my cycles, so I let him know that at the start of my cycle I get a really bad headache/migraine, I let him know that sometimes they are debilitating, I can't get out of bed, or I feel the need to vomit all day long. Dr. Williams says, oh I know why, I'll tell you shortly. However, he forgets to tell me. And there is so much going on that I forget to ask him again.
Dr. Bateman is an older man, I'd say that he is easily in his 60's. Dr. B is super quiet, but explains everything. Dr. B also explains things to the point of where if he wants you to do something, you do it, sometimes without thinking. I like him, but not the best. I would take him over Dr. Williams any day. Because for one thing Dr. Williams smiles at you all the time, which could freak you out. But, when you are worried about growing embys in your body, and are hopeful that they are big and he is smiling at you telling you that they aren't, you forget how worried you are.
Dr. Smith is a lady, yep the only one besides the nurses in the entire practice. She is sweet, Dr. Smith is really stylish with her glasses and hair. Oh and if you really really want to know what she is doing, she tells you EVERYTHING. From the way the rubber bends on the plastic, to how open your tubes are. Dr. Smith is by far the nicest of the bunch, and usually you don't get to see her. I saw her 3 times. I was thankful each time, because I saw her when I thought my days were really really bad.
Bonnie, IVF coordinator; Bonnie is sweet, but it took me some time to bond with her. I am talking, that I went my entire first round and didn't really feel a connection with her. She was there one day, and I felt bad after I left, because I am pretty sure that I didn't talk to her the entire time that she was talking to me. (To redeem myself I have now talked to her twice this time around, and I find her calming, though I am really trying to figure out her accent as I don't know where she is from, and it bothers me!!)
Stephanie, IVF coordinator; Stephanie is loud, a fast talker, loves my Alex and Ani bracelets (she checks them out each time she takes my blood), she wears a flower in her side bun, and the kicker she is from... Pittsburgh. On the day that my embrys were put back in, in my valuum state, I told her that I wore my Steelers shirt just for her, right before I smacked into a wall and she had to guide me down to the room.
Wendy, nurse.. only remember her name because she took my blood almost every single day. Oh and I used to work with a kid with that name. Even though, I am not really sure if that is her name. She has curly hair and likes to talk a lot, and she apologizes when she hurts my arms. She gets lots of brownie points.
The lady that checks me out; takes my money, don't be dirty people. I have no idea what her name is. Honestly I don't even think that she looks at my paperwork, she knows that I paid. She just tells me, I'll see you tomorrow.
The Check in nurse, her name might be Pam. I am really not sure. When they took my embrys she was the one that helped me in and out. She kept trying to get me to eat after they took them. I wanted no part of food. She was however really nice, I did forget to tell her that one of the side affects that I have to anestha is crying on controllably when I wake up. She was really alarmed, and thought that I need food. I promised her that I was okay.
Magic Juice Anestha man; I have no idea what his name is. I told him that I was nervous and he had me out before I could get all that out. He is my BFF. I was out for the procedure and then I came home and was out for the rest of the day.
So that was my rewind: now here we are going to start round 2. I don't know what to think, because it looks like I will be on my own, no daily check ins. Just me and my shot guru; the hubs. Which he is going to have to teach people how to give me shots as he will be going out of town some of the time. I am going to try to take more pictures this time around. I promise no nudes. But here goes nothing!
Love and baby dust.
I'm sure that there are much harder things in life than this diet that I have put myself on in order for I.V.F success. But, this does take the cake. First there is looking at every label the things that you put in your mouth. Which can do 2 things when you are at the grocery store: 1. Is very time consuming, and 2: means that you buy a lot less than what you had set out to buy. Mind you all I want to do right now is eat beef jerky/slim jims, cheese, and drink a slurpee, but I yet to do any of those. I'd also like a big bowl of broccoli cheese soup, which I should have had before I started all this. (Damn it).
I have decided that I am going to have to go to pinterest and google and find some other things to eat. In starting this diet I have made myself sick twice now. (Today was the worst and I haven't been able to really get off the couch). As funny as it sounds I don't think that I am eating enough. Because, I am just trying to stick with this. And I am really already tired of eating chicken and fruit. I need some fish and other things in my diet, but because I was on such a hunt for other things that didn't have gluten, I forgot to stop by the meat section of the store.
What's really funny is how people act when you cannot have something. I was at the local bbq joint in my town, and they put my favorite thing back on the menu, which happens to be nachos (I LOVE NACHOS.) So, when I got up to the counter I asked for them without cheese. The lady was so shocked, she was like what, why? So, I had to explain that I can't have cheese. Which is the part of the diet that I have 100% for sure stayed away from, even though I really don't want to. So then she had to tell the cook to make sure that he knew that she didn't type it in wrong. It was funny.
But sometimes it isn't so funny. Such as when you are at a party and someone says yummy veggies and ranch, and you explain that you can't have the ranch, cause you can't have dairy. And they keep asking why. Sometimes I don't want to wear the I.V.F/infertility label on my forehead. Sometimes, I just want to be out and feel a since of this is not happening to me. I know that some people will say, "But you chose to be public, so what is the big deal?" But, I do meet new people, and they have no idea what is going on with me unless I say something.
Another example: I work at a bank. Many people come in a out, man people love to talk to me. I don't mind starting up conversations with people. However, one of the lovely ladies from the doctor's office in town let me know that we have another pregnant girl in our office and that I better watch. I tried to respond in a good way, I think that I did. I told her that I wouldn't mind. And she was like are you ready? I had to explain that I had/have been ready for a while, and then she asked well then why aren't you pregnant? Then I had to explain the entire I.V.F thing. Darn it. I thought that maybe I could at least avoid it at work.
I would love to eat a cheeseburger and cal it a day. But I cannot do that. I will not do that. I will keep going! Love and Baby dust.
When I sit down to write I have about 1 million thoughts going through my mind. I have never really considered myself as a good writer. But, when I do write it makes me feel better. It is as if my thoughts or worries are leaving my head, when my fingers release the button on the keyboard (or for us old school people writing diaries, the words on the paper where euphoric!!)
The above image is how my thoughts are stored on any given day. The worry is great. But I have decided in order to not sound like a babbling idiot every time I sit to write a blog, or some crazy mad person, that I am going to carry a journal around and write some thoughts down, so that I can collect my thoughts before I collect my thoughts. How I came up with this wonderfully great idea, is that I called the RE the other day and I had to write down all my questions before I could talk to the lady. I'm just not very good at thinking on the fly. I also realized that I am not very good at getting my point across. I'm not sure if it is my delivery or that people really don't understand me. Whatever it is, it annoys the crap out of me.
I find myself repeating over and over again what I say. I also have to explain, and explain and explain again. I know that sometimes I come across offensive, angry, or just plan moody. But, the thing is, you have never been in this journey, you have not had to figure it out on your own. A lot of the time my thoughts are angry. Because, I am always wondering why me?? What on earth did I do to get here. And a lot of my thoughts are doubtful.
Have you ever been somewhere, where you don't know anyone (I'm talking no one) and you don't know where you are or where you are going? Like you just drove or walked somewhere and you didn't take a G.P.S. or phone so you aren't sure how you are going to get back?? This is much of the I.V.F journey. You don't know how you got here. You don't know that moment that you have arrived. There isn't much on it. There is no one to lead the way, other than a Dr. And you have to like and trust them because there is no one else to do so. I was in a state of daily panic. Luckily without the panic attacks. I wanted to sleep, and sleep a lot. When I would get to work I would already be tired because I had been up since 5 that morning to get to my appointment and then I was up till 10 or so that night. Mind you having to work in the middle of the day. Having conversations with people was the worst. Have you ever had a conversation with someone that goes in circles and you aren't sure when it is going to end? You think that if you just stop talking that they will do the same thing, and then they ask another question? This was my daily life during my I.V.F cycle. I only had the comfort of my cat. And you know have to know that I am a dog person, so when my grandma demanded that my pups stay with her and my pappy during my bed rest, you have to know that there wasn't much comfort there. (Side note: Oliver is a sweet heating pad loving cat, and we really bonded during my bed rest time. To the point where I really love him and I don't want anything to happen to him, much like my dogs. He is now and okay comfort, because I know during the next cycle my grandma will not allow my dogs to stay with me. So, Ollie and I will share the heating pad yet again. And he doesn't really like to share it.)
Family and Friends are generally kind about the I.V.F process. I know that they mean well with their questions, and their "Have you tried this..??" But, I always have to explain that there is much to try. When you have a couple that has male fertility issues and they are unexplained there isn't much to do. But, when you love this person with all your heart and soul and you couldn't imagine your live without them, you don't think about anything else. You put your body through things that you didn't think that you could do (tons of needles and internal sonograms). You connect with people that are going through the same thing, and even though they are strangers because you have never met them, you couldn't imagine talking to someone else. And you hold on to the real friendships that you have made with people that have had the similar problem that you do. In the words of Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy; "They are your person." They get you. Hands up hands down. They also offer to give you shot in your bum and don't blink about it or make some kind of joke about it. They also offer to give you a shot in your belly and don't make a big deal about it when you ask them with a panic looked on your face, because your hubs did a great job, and you know how it felt when he did it. And you are panicked when you know that someone else might have to do it for him, and you can't give it to yourself. You also try to look past some of the questions that people continue to ask you about, or that they don't understand, even though you want to scream at the top of you lungs, "Why can't you just understand??"
I know this is long, and I really didn't have my thoughts together when I started, but it just kind of took off so I went with it. I think that I have finally come to terms with myself and not being pregnant the first go around. I really did blame myself. I couldn't figure it out, and the RE was not offering much, other than my body did not respond to the medication the way that it was supposed to. So in hearing that I decided to look around and find some groups that I could become a part of. The most common things that these ladies did was stop eating gluten and dairy, and their cycles were successful. And while these benefits will be good on my body, this is not the purpose. The purpose is for my eggs to grow, and my embryos to attach to my body and grow a baby. And I know that I have a lot to give up. But I have to do it. Yeah, I'd love to sit in my pjs and eat tacos all day because they are my favorite thing, but I cannot do that. Just like after my cycle I couldn't sit in my pjs and never go back to work. But I could turn my phone off and not talk to anyone.
I'd also love to be able to sit on a beach this entire process and not work or talk or anything. Just sit there and watch the waves go in and out, and birds sing, and the fish swim and maybe my dog just play the entire time. But I can't do that. I have to work, and function and be a normal human, when I feel like my body is not going through anything normal. I am also worried that when it talked to the RE nurse that what she told me about fewer appointments is not true. I don't have any embryos or eggs that are stored. I have to get there. So I am worried that she didn't get that point and then I will have to go daily. What I want more than anything out of this 2nd cycle, is a baby, and stored embryos. We have NONE from last time. And I know that I struggle with the fact that my little babies are stored in a freezer until I am ready for them, but I am also sad that I don't have any at this point in time. I lost them all. I have a photo, and that's it. And yes it is hard for me to be around pregnant woman. I try my best to be good about it. I also try my best to not go bat shit crazy on someone who isn't decent to their child. It is a fine like that I really struggle with. Yes, I could go bat shit crazy at any given time. I just try really really hard not to. I have also come to the point where I have no grey area. And when you live with my hubs that is hard. Cause he is full of grey area. You ask him if you can go somewhere and he will say "I didn't say no," No but you didn't say "Yes" either. So then he says yes, but it is like pulling teeth. So, I need no grey and no grey hairs. And I will end it here, before I show you how bat shit crazy I can really be. Love and Baby Dust.
