Wake me Up

....



I am not a Green Day fan, but since this is the last day of September, I thought that this was appropriate.  This was THE longest September that I have had in a long time.  I was pretty much on Birth Control Pills (BCP) the entire month.  Which in the land of OZ pretty much sucks.  (More on that later.)  Abby our beloved Boxer had to have ACL surgery this month.  Which on the suck meter sucked pretty bad.  Poor girl has had a lot of trouble getting comfy and sleeping since then.  Lots of sleepless night.  I wish that I could give her a sedative at night, so that she could relax and sleep.  Mischa and I have been taking turns sleeping on the couch with her.  And it was really great last weekend when she stayed the night at my parents house.  I know that they didn't get much sleep, but we did and for that I am thankful.

I missed my first baseline appointment.  I'm not sure if it was them or me.  But I was sure that that appointment was on Friday the 29th, not Thursday.  Also I made an appointment Thursday morning, and the receptionist didn't say anything to me.  I have decided that I really don't like receptionist and I hope that I don't have to talk to her much other than having to make appointments, she seems kindof dumb and a little spaced out.  

I went to my appointment on Friday, but this also caused another day of BCP.  So I had to go and get a refill for one pill.  I would be okay with BCP if I could control myself and if I could not get cysts from them.  But, everytime that I go on them, I get a cyst.  So, I have lots of follicles, but I have a cyst.  Lucky for me, my blood work came back fine.. meaning that it is not an estrogen producing cyst.  So I am clear to start shots on Monday.  Shot Central Station is pulling in for a landing.  

Since being on BCP all I want to do is eat.  I have to always tell myself that I am not actually hungry, but it never fails and I just give in.  I am not sure what side effect this is, but I don't like it.  My face is always all broke out.  I am not sure why Doctor's put you on  BCP to clear your face, because it NEVER does mine.  

October is my favorite time of year.  If it could stay October all year, I would keep it.  I don't want to live anywhere where there isn't a fall or an October.  I am determined that we will enjoy all of October this year.  Mischa and I saw the IT movie the other day, which I am shocked that he wanted to go to, because he doesn't like those movies.  But, it was good.  And there was a preview for the new "Saw" movie "Jigsaw."  I was hoping that he would say that he wanted to go to that with me.  But, he shook his head no.  That's okay my mom will go with me.  
Well for now I leave you with love and baby dust!  I need lots and lots of baby dust.  Which you can order and send me if you would like... Just a thought!

Bills, Insurance, and Appointments

1st:




2nd:

Last week at work I received an email from my IVF clinic.  I get a lot of emails from them... they love to email.  I hate it, I wish they would call or text me.  Anyways:  It was from the billing lady and in the highlight section is said that I owed $2650, before any of my IVF could start.  I had a mini- panic attack.  Everything is supposed to be covered.  I read the email twice to make sure that I wasn't missing anything before I responded.  I simply stated that everything was supposed to be covered because of the testing that we had done, and that I did't understand the charge.  One thing is for sure, with all their emails they are quick to return them.  So in the email back she asked if we were doing PGS testing on the embryos, I explained that because all other testing came back okay, we decided that we would not test the embryos.  Then she sent back an email apologizing, she hadn't talked to our nurse and was just giving us that price.  She said that I only would owe $100.  Which I didn't think that I owed, but she said that it was a deductible.  That I can handle.  I don't think that I should have to play that.  But, it is better than $2650 so I will take it.  

Our insurance is really good.  I am very thankful for that.  I don't know if we would have been able to do another cycle if our insurance was different.  The debt is really high.  But, anything is worth it for a baby!

I have an appointment on Thursday.  This will be the first time that I drive to the clinic on my own.  I still have to use GPS, but I'll get there.  They are going to do a mock transfer.  I'd love if they could just sedate me for this, but I will be awake.  I do try to take a few Tylenol before hand.  This is a simple procedure, but my uterus contracts a lot.  After that I won't have any appointments until the 29th.  Then is is on like donkey kong.  

I have been pretty good on BC so far.  The only thing that I have is I get hot, and really thirsty.  My skin has heat rash bumps on my face, and my poor lips are chapped.  I am hoping that they don't make me take them longer than 21 days.  I have also been trying to be quiet more than normal, because being mean is something that I really do while on BCP.  

I can't wait until all this is over and I have my baby in my arms.  I dream of that often.  I am also trying to keep the faith and stop thinking that this is happening because of something that I have done wrong in God's eyes.  I am just hoping that this will all work out.  That our baby will choose us.  So for now, Love and baby dust!  

BCP Day One

Welcome, Welcome... To day one of a 21 day cycle.  Or rather I really don't know how long this will last.  I have been instructed to take my BCP (Birth Control Pills) at night, because they make me crazy.  How exciting.  Damn!

Shady Grove makes you take all these online courses.  Today we had a course on the entire process.  Which is very informative, but there was one thing...  Elective Termination on multiples.  Pump.  The. Breaks.  Mischa and I had to pause the video.  My heart broke.  To think that you went all this way, and you ended up with more than 2 babies, so you "Terminate" one, how do you pick?  Then you are very likely to lose the other babies.  I understand that the risks are very high.  But, I am not sure that when I finally get pregnant I could pick one to Terminate.  The video goes on to explain how this is done, by injecting potassium into the embryo.. or by that point fetus.  I just can't.

I don't care what side of the coin you are on, but I just can't.  To think that you get to that part and they want you to just get rid of one.  How does anyone decide this?  

So much is changing with this Fertility clinic, I will be on BCP for 21 days.  I was never on it that long before.  Also I don't see where I will have any PIO (Progesterone in Oil Shots).  I don't see where they will be ordered or in the schedule that is sent to me.  I also have to take a lot of things on my own.  The nurse will order my meds, but I have to contact the pharmacy for payment and delivery.  The other pharmacy contacted me before, so this is really weird.  I don't even know that pharmacy that I am supposed to contact.  Our insurance controls it all.  

I am less nervous.  Even though that video was pretty scarring.  They pretty much tell you everything that can go wrong, and then that you can get a baby out of it.  One of the other things that I am worried about: Our baby has a higher percentage of being born early and with a low birth weight.  Dang it.  Those are things that I don't want.  But, I guess I really don't have a choice over that part.

I am not going to worry.  I am going to try and get through this and be positive about it.  I told many people today that I get to be "normal" for 21 more days... or until the 29th.  But, really that isn't true.  I have a mock embryo transfer scheduled for next week.  And then I think that I have to schedule a few more things.  I have to schedule this.  Which is weird, it was all done for me last time.  What if I forget?  What if I miss something?  I just wish the nurse would do it for me.  It's time to put on the big girl pants on and deal with it!  Love and Baby Dust!

Welp

I had an entire blog written and at the advise of Mischa, I deleted it.  

Dreaming of babies is something that happens more days then I know of.  And the beginning of a cycle is no different, but often intensifies it.  I feel bad because I keep talking about the same things, but often I don't have anything new to add.  I don't want to just leave my blog.  I feel like I have helped so many people. But, I am leaving facebook.  But, not for the reasons that people think.  

I am leaving because I cannot take seeing another pregnancy announcement without being told first.  And I am not saying that I have to be called.  But a simple private message would be okay.  Doing, this one simple thing gives me time to prepare.  To cry if I need to, to figure out how I want to proceed.  It's just simple.  Most of them time, it allows me enough time to become normal again.  

People forget you, they move on.  It's okay.  I get it.  I understand.  I forget a lot too.  I'd like to remember everything that I need to at one time, but I just can't.  

I can't see the good in some people anymore.  I can't find a simple way to forgive them.  But, you know what that is really okay.  

I am a jumbled mess. So, one last thing.  I'll be bloggin and Insta-gramming.  I will only post these on facebook.  Other wise, it is deleted on my phone.  I hope that baby dust finds it way to me.  Because I need a lot of it!!!!!

Good Morning

I realized that I forgot to give an update after going to the new RE's office.  I'm sorry.  Sometimes (more than sometimes) I forget.  

Back Story:
(I am going to here on out call everything down in Charlottesville, Chalottesville.  I can't keep up and know that there is a difference between it all, but since I more than likely will not be talking much about them anymore, I feel no need to be correct. )
When I went to Charlottesville, I felt like a deer in headlights.  Everything was new.  I didn't follow any blogs, Instagrams, or Facebook Groups.  I only had my own blog and I spent my time between it and google trying to find as much information as we went along.  I feel duped.  Basically the entire first cycle was a failure from beginning to end.  I have come to terms with that.  As heart breaking as it sounds, that is how it is.  
While waiting for the 2nd cycle, I tried to eat better, move more and get more sleep.  When I was stiming (that is what they call taking the injections and getting ready for the Egg retrieval) I had a bought with food poisoning in which I could only hold down crackers and ginger ale.  And then after that I was just sick for a while.  I also found the Instagram community and more and more things to learn.  I went into our 2nd IVF with more questions (which Charlottesville NEVER answered) and more knowledge.  It still failed.  I was pissed, because this one was not set up that way.  It has taken a lot to over come that.  

Here:
Like I said it has taken a while to over come failing that 2nd time.  We made perfect Embryos, and yet Charlottesville still couldn't and can't tell us why nothing worked.  I really think that they NEVER had any interest in getting me pregnant.  If you think about it, they don't have Infertility in their title at all.  Or maybe I am just really bitter, the world may never know.  We stopped all Medications and everything in December of 2016.  I waited to make any moves or call until June 2017.  6 months of trying to figure out what I am going to do.  6 months of trying to make myself better.  6 months of wait.
Dr. Garde is my new RE and I go to Shady Grove.  They look over everything.  The first meeting consult was just that.  And then we were off the the races of testing.  Lots and Lots.  They test everything.  And I mean everything.  And they want to know EVERYTHING.  Charlottesville just does basic testing.  We learned that, when we went there on Tuesday.  Dr. Garde "thinks" that when they saw that I had so many follicles that they were not interested in testing me for low egg reserve, which by the way I now know that I do not have.  Dr. Garde said that they also put me on suppression protocol.  Which I did't know until she said that.  I didn't know a lot until she said any of those things.  But, she tells you all of it.  They are super transparent.  I also learned that Shady Grove will not transfer any embryos that are not what they should be.  So the first cycle, they would have not put the embryos in.  And she asked why they would do that?  I still don't know.  I hate saying that I don't know.  Makes me feel dumb.

Anyways:
All my testing came back normal.  I look good.  Mischa's came back a little better than before.  But, we still have to do IVF.  That hasn't changed.  Just how long we do it and what we were doing.  Dr. Garde asked me again why I was only on egg stimulation meds for 5 days.  I said that I don't know.  Well I will be on them longer than 5 days this time around.  Oh man.  So we start all of this when my natural cycle comes.  With a possible retrieval at the end of September.  I am getting pretty excited. 

So in advance I would like to apologize for being cranky on any of the meds when they start.  I can't help it.  I also pray that I don't get sick.  Because the meds that I am going to be on combined with how many follicles that I have can make me really sick.  Pray that this brings my baby home, and this change is all that we need.  So for now, love and baby dust.

Will I ever be a mom?

There are days that I wake up and feel like I can conquer the world.  Then there are days like today when I feel like I breathe fire and can tear down the world.  I think about becoming a mom, almost too much.  But, I try really hard not to let it affect everything.  However, this week it has almost consumed me in its flames.

(Yes lots of dragon references today, I feel like Daenearys, that I will just be the mother of Dragons ((dogs and a cat that thinks he is a dog)).. I'll just go with it.)  I have been having these terrible dreams.  I will wake up in the middle of the night and think that I am done dreaming only to go back to sleep and dream again.  They are mainly about pregnancy and miscarriage.  And the scare the hell out of me.  

Other than not being a mom, I think that my 2nd most fear is having a miscarriage.  I follow many Instagram ladies that have had them, and I wonder if I am strong enough to handle them.  Can I pick back up and move on.  Because my dreams are consumed of them, I worry that is my fate.  

I look around at different people and wonder where our baby is.  I wonder what he or she will look like.  I wonder what the Dr. is going to say at our follow up meeting.  I always prepare for the worst.  Like when we were down in UVA/ Martha Jefferson and we met with that Dr. and he told us that we made perfect embryos... I lost it.  Then why didn't they stick.  Why didn't they stay?  What am I doing so wrong?  Nothing was answered.  I am hopeful that this clinic will answer my questions.  I think that will all the testing that they are requiring and how particular they are being they will have different answers.  

I also thought about this 3rd cycle.  I have hopes, because of the new insurance with Mischa's new job I don't have to worry about this being our last try.  I no longer have that hanging over my head.  I know that is a sore spot for many.  I understand the hate that comes with that.  But, please remember that I am still about 24k in debt from the previous cycles.  I thought also about being even more private in this cycle.  Maybe just not saying anything.  I can't decide on this part.  

We were at Otakon this weekend.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it is Anime on steroids.  In recent years they have added more things, like the have Disney Princesses cause lots of people dress as them, and they have started adding comics and more pop culture.  If you like to people watch, you can get a good spot and just watch all day.  I try not to people watch too much, but I do enjoy it.  In recent years people have been bringing their kids.  When Mischa and I first started going they were few and fair between.  Now there are a lot more kids, and this year I saw babies.  Like baby babies.  I have often wondered what Mischa and I would do when we had babies.  What it would look like when we went to places like this or Busch Gardens.  It wasn't until this weekend that I realized that this is normal for these kids and babies and it could be that way for ours too.  I know many people that don't take their kids to many places.  They stop normal life until their kids are old enough.  And I am not saying that kiddos can go every where.  But, they can go to places.  I mean I am not going to take my baby to the movies, but I can take him other places.  

You have to live life.  You have to teach kids and babies that there are life experiences and you have to go out and see them.  I still wonder if I will ever be a mom.  I wonder if Dog mom is the only thing that will be in my being.  I also wonder if I can be happy with that.  I have lots to wonder.  Wowza.

Dear Baby Stine (Life)

Dear Baby Stine;

I wanted to write to you about some things in life, because last night I couldn't sleep thinking about them.  I may have wrote to you about these things before but, never-the-less  I think that I needed to say it again to you.  I want to first tell you about the song that inspired this; "Life isn't always beautiful" by Gary Allen.  Let me tell you a little bit about it.  First, your Dad will probably never hear this song, only because he doesn't like country music.. I hope to instill a love of all music in you; its how your dad and I connected.  Second; Gary Allen wrote this song after his wife died.  I know that this is a hard topic, but I think that the song is very important.  It is the meaning on the song that makes it great.  "Life isn't always beautiful; but it's a beautiful ride."

Life: your state of being.  When I was 14, a freshman in high school, I though a little bit about life after high school.  I did okay in school, but I wasn't the best.  During the summer between freshman and sophomore year, I decided that I wanted to go to college and become a teacher.  That is when I developed a plan, I would press really hard to get the best grades I could, graduate from high school and then go right into college.   Become a teacher at 21, get married at 23 and have babies and life happily ever after.  Please pump the breaks right here; life does not work that way.

Oh baby; life will work.  Your mom made some dumb mistakes during that sophomore year.  I dated a boy (not your Dad), that said college was for dummies and I didn't need it.  (This should have been where I let my many watchings of Matilda kick in. This is a movie that you will watch.  Miss Honey is having a conversation with Matilda's parents about her being smart and that they needed to start on the path to college.  The Wormwood's ((Matilda's Parents)) insult Miss Honey by saying that a girl like Matilda doesn't need college because she has looks.  Miss Honey talks about them needing Dr's and Lawyers that would be college educated.. you get it).  I went back to being so so in school.  It wasn't until I broke up with this dude and started dating your Dad that I realized the errors of my ways and it was a little late.  Then I couldn't get into a 4 year school.  I really had to work hard, basically I had to get my associates degree.  And then I didn't graduate from college until I was 24.  And I didn't get married until I was 26.  And I will still working on you.  

What I am saying is it will work.  You just have to keep working at it.  I have to tell myself that all the time.  But, what I am also trying to tell you is: don't let a single person get in the way of your dreams and goals.  Make the dream and goal and go after it.  That is your life, not theirs.  If they love you they are going to help you get there.  That is how you know what love truly is.  And it doesn't have to be romantic love, it can be friendship love or any kind of love.  People who love you see you through.

Baby one more thing: talking about people who love you.  Blood does not ALWAYS equal love.  (I will love you no matter what, I promise!)  There will come a time where you find people in your life who will do something that is so kind and you didn't realize that they loved you, or even thought about you.  There will also be family that will act as your family and then they will turn a blind eye to you.  There will be family that will shock you, don't forget them.  People will pick you up when you are down, they are not always your family.  People will kick you when you are down, they can be your family.  I learned all this way too late.  I have a trusting heart.  I trust people not hurt me and then they do.  They really do.  I am sure that you will meet some of the people that I am talking about.  I will tell you.  I will tell you about friends that your Mom has that did a great act of kindness and told me about their babies before I just had to find out on facebook.  I will tell you about one family member that did the same thing, and how wonderful it was to know.  I will tell you about the family that just let you find out the hard way.  I will tell you how the have no regard for your feelings.  

Life: what a beautiful thing.