Thursday, August 24, 2017

Good Morning

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I realized that I forgot to give an update after going to the new RE's office.  I'm sorry.  Sometimes (more than sometimes) I forget.  

Back Story:
(I am going to here on out call everything down in Charlottesville, Chalottesville.  I can't keep up and know that there is a difference between it all, but since I more than likely will not be talking much about them anymore, I feel no need to be correct. )
When I went to Charlottesville, I felt like a deer in headlights.  Everything was new.  I didn't follow any blogs, Instagrams, or Facebook Groups.  I only had my own blog and I spent my time between it and google trying to find as much information as we went along.  I feel duped.  Basically the entire first cycle was a failure from beginning to end.  I have come to terms with that.  As heart breaking as it sounds, that is how it is.  
While waiting for the 2nd cycle, I tried to eat better, move more and get more sleep.  When I was stiming (that is what they call taking the injections and getting ready for the Egg retrieval) I had a bought with food poisoning in which I could only hold down crackers and ginger ale.  And then after that I was just sick for a while.  I also found the Instagram community and more and more things to learn.  I went into our 2nd IVF with more questions (which Charlottesville NEVER answered) and more knowledge.  It still failed.  I was pissed, because this one was not set up that way.  It has taken a lot to over come that.  

Here:
Like I said it has taken a while to over come failing that 2nd time.  We made perfect Embryos, and yet Charlottesville still couldn't and can't tell us why nothing worked.  I really think that they NEVER had any interest in getting me pregnant.  If you think about it, they don't have Infertility in their title at all.  Or maybe I am just really bitter, the world may never know.  We stopped all Medications and everything in December of 2016.  I waited to make any moves or call until June 2017.  6 months of trying to figure out what I am going to do.  6 months of trying to make myself better.  6 months of wait.
Dr. Garde is my new RE and I go to Shady Grove.  They look over everything.  The first meeting consult was just that.  And then we were off the the races of testing.  Lots and Lots.  They test everything.  And I mean everything.  And they want to know EVERYTHING.  Charlottesville just does basic testing.  We learned that, when we went there on Tuesday.  Dr. Garde "thinks" that when they saw that I had so many follicles that they were not interested in testing me for low egg reserve, which by the way I now know that I do not have.  Dr. Garde said that they also put me on suppression protocol.  Which I did't know until she said that.  I didn't know a lot until she said any of those things.  But, she tells you all of it.  They are super transparent.  I also learned that Shady Grove will not transfer any embryos that are not what they should be.  So the first cycle, they would have not put the embryos in.  And she asked why they would do that?  I still don't know.  I hate saying that I don't know.  Makes me feel dumb.

Anyways:
All my testing came back normal.  I look good.  Mischa's came back a little better than before.  But, we still have to do IVF.  That hasn't changed.  Just how long we do it and what we were doing.  Dr. Garde asked me again why I was only on egg stimulation meds for 5 days.  I said that I don't know.  Well I will be on them longer than 5 days this time around.  Oh man.  So we start all of this when my natural cycle comes.  With a possible retrieval at the end of September.  I am getting pretty excited. 

So in advance I would like to apologize for being cranky on any of the meds when they start.  I can't help it.  I also pray that I don't get sick.  Because the meds that I am going to be on combined with how many follicles that I have can make me really sick.  Pray that this brings my baby home, and this change is all that we need.  So for now, love and baby dust.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Will I ever be a mom?

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There are days that I wake up and feel like I can conquer the world.  Then there are days like today when I feel like I breathe fire and can tear down the world.  I think about becoming a mom, almost too much.  But, I try really hard not to let it affect everything.  However, this week it has almost consumed me in its flames.

(Yes lots of dragon references today, I feel like Daenearys, that I will just be the mother of Dragons ((dogs and a cat that thinks he is a dog)).. I'll just go with it.)  I have been having these terrible dreams.  I will wake up in the middle of the night and think that I am done dreaming only to go back to sleep and dream again.  They are mainly about pregnancy and miscarriage.  And the scare the hell out of me.  

Other than not being a mom, I think that my 2nd most fear is having a miscarriage.  I follow many Instagram ladies that have had them, and I wonder if I am strong enough to handle them.  Can I pick back up and move on.  Because my dreams are consumed of them, I worry that is my fate.  

I look around at different people and wonder where our baby is.  I wonder what he or she will look like.  I wonder what the Dr. is going to say at our follow up meeting.  I always prepare for the worst.  Like when we were down in UVA/ Martha Jefferson and we met with that Dr. and he told us that we made perfect embryos... I lost it.  Then why didn't they stick.  Why didn't they stay?  What am I doing so wrong?  Nothing was answered.  I am hopeful that this clinic will answer my questions.  I think that will all the testing that they are requiring and how particular they are being they will have different answers.  

I also thought about this 3rd cycle.  I have hopes, because of the new insurance with Mischa's new job I don't have to worry about this being our last try.  I no longer have that hanging over my head.  I know that is a sore spot for many.  I understand the hate that comes with that.  But, please remember that I am still about 24k in debt from the previous cycles.  I thought also about being even more private in this cycle.  Maybe just not saying anything.  I can't decide on this part.  

We were at Otakon this weekend.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it is Anime on steroids.  In recent years they have added more things, like the have Disney Princesses cause lots of people dress as them, and they have started adding comics and more pop culture.  If you like to people watch, you can get a good spot and just watch all day.  I try not to people watch too much, but I do enjoy it.  In recent years people have been bringing their kids.  When Mischa and I first started going they were few and fair between.  Now there are a lot more kids, and this year I saw babies.  Like baby babies.  I have often wondered what Mischa and I would do when we had babies.  What it would look like when we went to places like this or Busch Gardens.  It wasn't until this weekend that I realized that this is normal for these kids and babies and it could be that way for ours too.  I know many people that don't take their kids to many places.  They stop normal life until their kids are old enough.  And I am not saying that kiddos can go every where.  But, they can go to places.  I mean I am not going to take my baby to the movies, but I can take him other places.  

You have to live life.  You have to teach kids and babies that there are life experiences and you have to go out and see them.  I still wonder if I will ever be a mom.  I wonder if Dog mom is the only thing that will be in my being.  I also wonder if I can be happy with that.  I have lots to wonder.  Wowza.