When other women talk about the Hubz, I think of how thankful I am for mine. I'm not saying that he is perfect, but I am saying that he is perfect for me.
There is this new movement, #beating50percent... it's about working on your marriage and beating out the odds of divorce. I don't really buy into things like that. But when I talk about couples and other peoples lives, I start to think about it.
When I entered into my marriage I told my hubz, that I'm not entertaining the idea of divorce. If this is something that you think might cross your mind at some point in our lives, then I don't want you to even say "I Do." I understand that times will be hard, and that marriage will not be all "Sunshine and Roses," but I want to fight and I want to work on it and if we go to bed mad it is not the end of the world, it is just something that happens; we work on it we move on. I also had to let my Hubz know that I am a teller; meaning, I will tell him everything. (To be honest he knew this, I mean we were together for 10 years before we got married.) I believe in order to beat that 50% you have to communicate, and I communicate ALL the time. But those are just some things about me.
Allow me to come back from my tangent. I am thankful for my Hubz. We are crazy, we have never said that we aren't. Honestly, we feel like we are that fun couple to be around, Hubz is quiet and calm, and I am loud and crazy, and if you are looking for either, if you are around us, you get both. We have made a lot of crazy mistakes along the way (anyone heard of 31? Yeah I sold that and made nothing, Mary Kay? Did that too, still make nothing. Hopped a few jobs, to find the one, raising my hand to that too.) My Hubz has always pushed me to chase my dreams. One of my dreams is to have a published book. Having a blog might be as close as I get to that, but you never know. I am always pushed my Hubz to do the same. We believe in being all in, no one for one. It's all for all. But you have to do what works for you too. Just because it works for us, doesn't mean that it will work for you.
I am not one to give advice, I am not licensed in that department, to be honest I'm not licensed in anything. But, I honestly believe that there are some many people that enter marriage just because they are in love with this idea of being married. (Have you watched Married at First Sight? If you haven't you should, and you should watch it when it reruns, and you should get on twitted and chat about it. It is not just this crazy social experiment, it is a window, into marriage.) Marriage is not this glamorous thing, it is not about taking someone's last name. It is about coming together with someone and making your life work. It is not two people coming together and still living separate lives. You have to sacrifice a lot. You have to change and work at it a lot. And if you are not a fighter then I honestly think that you should not be married. Because, if you don't fight for what you want, then you will lose what you have it. It will not work. It will dissolve. I plan on #beating50percent. I'm working on it every day!!
You get so many chances and so many redo's...
I am not one to grant many chances, although I would like them myself; I usually think that what is done is done and that is the end. Sometimes I wish that life was recorded. So that you could see things that you have done and have time for self reflection before it is too late to mend. I never knew how much a person could grow and change until I had to do it on my own and learn my own way to do it. And in that I have changed a lot. When people used to meet me for the first time, they would see this overly friendly person, who has no reserve; I would tell you like it is and then that would be the end. I wouldn't ever listen, but I wanted so bad for people to listen to me. That me prided herself on the friendships that she made. That girl also thought that all grass was green, she was invincible, could handle anything with a smile on her face. That girl had no guard up, that girl loved with all her heart. That girl grew up, that caterpillar stayed in the cocoon for way too long.
"Looking back over my lifeI can see where I caused you strifeBut I know, oh yes I knowI'd never make that same mistake again"
Now when people meet me I am guarded, they meet this completely different person, that took almost all my 20's to shape. The thing is I am at fault for this different me. I didn't learn until it was too late to keep my mouth shut. That some things and some thoughts that I have I really need to keep to myself. And that control is something that I need to let go of. You cannot control people or things. EVERYONE'S life is different and their journeys are different and you cannot control that either. In self reflection I have found that I am pretty mean. Why I said and did those things, I really have no idea. I have also learned that the same reason that I cannot forgive people, is the same reason that they cannot forgive me. Apologies are only part of it. You can see the hurt that you have caused people on their faces. And that is the worst part.
"Once my cup was overflowing
But I gave nothing in return
Now I can't begin to tell you
What a lesson I have learned"
If you are reading this, if you read this (isn't that a song?) trust me in knowing that I'm not that person anymore. A journey starts with the first step. I can't go back to the person that I was. I don't think that she really exists anymore. Or maybe she does, she has just changed. She has been through so much, she has tried so hard. But, let me stop with the pity party sentences right now.
I do not pity myself. I regret, and that is not pity. I have ruined things that cannot repair. Oh how I miss those days.
People grow and change, and the thing is to not a grow apart. Sometimes people do, you cannot control it. But you should always try. Try to see people in a different way. I try to teach myself this every day. I am learning to listen. Just listen. Hear what people are telling you. Not only through their words but through their body language. This is a lot harder than you might think. I am also trying not to judge, especially from far away, but mostly from any way. I'm just trying. I think most of all I need to forgive myself. I need to stop controlling people in that way. If they forgive me, then I need to decide that they really do and there is nothing more. I need to stop being so passive aggressive, because there is that too. To so I am sorry is not enough. So I will stop here.
This is what used to keep me up at night... well there are two parts to it, the "monster" under my bed and the dark. However last night was a new thing. I have been missing for some time. I have been not wanting to write this blog. Or really I have not had the courage to write this blog.
To be honest no one knows how to deal with me. On the 27th of January, we found out that IVF did not work and we lost our embryos. When you are told that this will work, and that there is no reason why you should NOT be pregnant, you don't prepare yourself for that outcome. Your first reaction is hurt and loss. And then you have mixed reactions. You don't want to tell anyone, but eventually everyone will ask. EVERYONE. You can't explain things to people. To some you were never really pregnant, and to others you suffered a loss. EVERYONE handles you different and some days you cannot handle yourself. I fall apart, I come back together. Some days are harder than others. If I am home and what I am watching has to do with babies, you can bet that I am cuddling with my boxer. Being out in public is a whole other thing. I am learning to deal.
I have been learning to handle these monsters. To be honest I want people to leave me alone about it, let me make a decision about it. I know that this is not the case. EVERYONE is curious and EVERYONE wants to know what the next step is. The problem is, I don't know what the next step is. For days I didn't want to be around kids. But then about 2 weeks later I held a baby. That was hard, but it was oh so magical. It is getting better, but I am a work in progress... please let the progress grow.
Getting back to the monster...
Last night I couldn't sleep. I got bored and got on my instagram. I was looking at my pictures when I realized that I "hash tagged" IVF, and so I decided to search around and see what I would find. BAD IDEA!!! It took me into this entire world, of women and their blogs. And as I looked them up, I decided to try and reach out. Which is hard, because I want to be alone. I want to be wrapped up in my thoughts. And I have seen that women going through the same thing and different have different thoughts on everything that I do. Which is okay but I really wasn't ready for it. BUT: There is my support group, these people that I don't even know, miles apart, and I don't have to explain over and over things to them. They understand. They have been there. They have been around pregnant people and dealt with it. They have had failed cycles. They are there. Reaching out is not a bad idea. But the first step is reaching out. After that, it should be easy.
There are so many next steps and so many more directions to go in. There is no right option. I struggle daily with what to do. And last night, I just tossed and turned in my thoughts. Life does go on, the world keeps turning. New dreams are dreamed daily, but sometimes at night, I JUST can't keep up with the day and I can't sleep. The hardest day of the month is the 27th. The next hardest day is the 15th, and from there all the others days are just days. The hardest day of my life will come. October will be here before I know it. I'm sure that I will be a mess. I'm sure that no one will know how to deal with me. I will get there. I will spend time not sleeping. I will be okay during the day, and at night I will struggle. I will be okay. I dream big, but I never even stop to think that these big dreams, don't materialize. I need to get my head out of the clouds and into reality.
