In the book of life.
It is funny how things turn out. But, everyone has a "Book of Life." I thought that my book would be normal and boring. Honestly, I had my life planned out at 16... none of that has worked out very well. I'm still happy, and believe that I have a really good book. But, I think that I have found a new calling, and I need to figure out how to get there.
In 2012, my life changed. Not one of those; "In an instant" kind of deals, more gradual than that. Mike and I would be celebrating our first year of Marriage that October and 11 years together that same month. We decided that we were ready to add littles to our family. (We also added a Boxer, she is our little too!!) But, you all know that didn't go according to plan.
Since then I lived and breathed trying to have a baby. It consumed me, changed me, took up space in parts of my life that I didn't know it could. When we finally made the choice in December of 2015 to move forward with IVF, I felt SO alone. I didn't think that I knew anyone that was going through this or had gone through it. Thank God, for Instagram and finally coming to terms with the truth on Facebook. But, that is not what this is about.
I feel like I have walked through fire. I lived that chapter, but I wasn't sure if I could ever close it. Many times after having Emilia I would talk about it. You are fresh out of it, and think that it is over. But, that shit hits you like a shit ton of brinks and comes from left field and you have no idea what the hell happened. There is NO safety net to catch you, trust me I have looked for one. I hate the term, "It will get better." or "You will get over it." There is nothing to get better, I can't change the fact that I am infertile and I can't get over the fact that my body doesn't work like it is "supposed" to.
BIG BUT HERE!
The thing is, you get to a point... whatever you want to call it. Where you stop sharing it. You don't forget, but it doesn't come out of your mouth like word vomit. I'm saying this because I have now had 2 times where I could spell the beans and talk about it for the ENTIRE time that I was getting my hair cut and pictures taken, but I didn't. I sat getting my hair cut, and when asked if I had kids, I said "Yes, one girl, Emilia." Then I talked about her. How she is sassy and talks my ear off. How she likes tomatoes and I can't figure out why, because I hate them. How she is nervous around new people like Mike and she wants to stranger danger everyone. That's what came out of my mouth.
And it was the sweetest things and best thing about all of it. I was just a normal person, getting my hair cut. Watching my baby get her pictures taken. I was active again in life. I wasn't watching from the sidelines. I wasn't loving other kids like they were my own. I was loving my baby with my entire heart, with every WORD that came from my mouth. The song of my soul was different, much better and I loved it.
I know that it is not over. But, for now Mike and I are really happy. Emilia is that light of out lives. When people ask about having another baby, I do get offended. We aren't there yet. And there is nothing that says that any of what we did to get Emilia will work for another baby. We have plans and dreams for her. These things, do not include another baby right now. They are for her, and some for us. Mike and I put our lives on hold from December 2015 to January 2018 to have Emilia. We want to take her to Disney. We want to go to places we have said we would. We are also not taking for granted that she is a miracle, in more ways that just conception. To add onto this, just one more thing, my body took those IVF drugs from December 2015 to March of 2018, with a few breaks here and there. But, I need a big break. And I am taking it.
So for now take in all of Emilia. Play with her. Cuddle her. Enjoy her photos and dancing. She will grow and change and if we all don't pay attention, we will miss it. And no matter what, I wish you love and baby dust.
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
6 months and beyond
Time is FLYING. I can hardly believe it.
I have probably had about 30 or more blogs in my head, I should start writing them down... (They come to me in the middle of the night, when I should be sleeping!!)
First. I can't believe that I have a 6 almost 7 month old. Not only is she trying her hardest to sit up, which she has been trying since she was a month in a half old. But, now she wants to push off with her legs, and it looks like she is trying to walk. Forget rolling and crawling, she is just going to skip those.
Second... It is weird to me how different I feel about infertility now. It doesn't leave you. But, parts of it really do get better. It does take a little bit longer to get there. I just really have to choose what bothers me now. Sometimes, I feel like nothing bothers me and then I feel like it ALL bothers me. I can say that I NO longer have word vomit about it. That makes me happy. I have to take the little things.
Third. Yeah I got nothing!
I never realize how tiny Emilia is, until I go to buy her clothes or take her to the doctor. But, boy is she long. I know that won't tell if she will be tall or not. But, if I am remembering correctly from her 4 months appointment to her 6 months appointment she added a lot of inches. When I see her BABY Baby pictures, I don't even think that she is the same baby! Christmas to now seems like SO long ago. Really it isn't that long. September to now seems like a lifetime. And I can't believe in 5 months I will have a 1 year old.
I never thought in a million years that I would make these mile stones. I feel like all of last year, I was holding my breath until Emilia got here. I would have loved to just fast forward last year to the part where you get the baby. I want to tell you that the baby is the best part. Which, I really don't have to because that is what most of us are fighting for.
I want to say a few other things. Have a baby shower. For the love of God, have 5 of them. Invite as many people as you can. A few people asked me if I was going to keep ALL the clothes that I got at my 1 baby shower. I am here to tell you that I have kept them ALL, and I have used them ALL and then some. We have gone through EVERY size. From premie to just barely in 6 months old. I never seems to have enough sleepers. And the sleepers that are one sized, Emilia gets too long for. (Poor baby has never been too fat for them.) Also, if you haven't had your shower yet, your guests (unless they are me) will not buy you past 6 months. And you won't get a lot of 6 months clothes, so go out and buy those. Get them on sale as soon as you learn what you are having. Buy them up!
Accept Hand-me-downs.... from Friends and Family. (People you know!!) Okay, I am weird about this. I don't like to go to thrift stores and consignments places and buy clothes. The main reason... I have seen how many times Emilia has blown out, puked on.. and when she gets shots at the Dr's bleeds on her clothes. For some reason I just don't think that they clothes are clean enough from there. But, I am more than happy to get clothes from friends and family members.
Blankets. You can NEVER have too many of these. If someone tells you otherwise, you either don't live in VA or they are crazy. I never know what the weather is going to be. I can walk about and it is 50 degrees and warm, and they next day it is 50 degrees and cold as hell. Keep a blanket in your diaper bag. Keep one in your car. They also make great places to put your baby down if you need to. Plus, if you have more than a few you don't have to was clothes every other day.
Coats, Jackets, and such. This one is really hard. You can't put the baby in the cart seat in a heavy coat (thus the need for blankets). But, if you are carrying her around or going somewhere you need a coat. I got one of those fleece coats, that has a hood and her feet and arms go in it. They worked SO well. Until, I got her too warm a couple of times and I thought that she was going to scream so loud that my windows were going to break. Kid does not like to be warm. We also have a snow suit that we used a few times. Never in the car. I tried my best not to go out on super cold days. Hats are my favorite. But, up until now (when the weather is warm) Emilia didn't care for them.
Car seats. It took forever for Emilia to like to ride in the car seat. And still sometimes, she hates riding in it in my car. We have a small stuffed animal and a taggie, that have to go with us EVERYWHERE in order to have a smoother car ride. Also we have to have a Passie. It is probably the MOST important part.
Speaking of Passies. I understand that some people hate them. But, I love them. Emilia has to have one to sleep. They didn't really offer it in the hospital. They didn't keep it away, but I begged for one. Our Peds loves them too. He said that some babies are not born suckers. And the passie will help. It helped with a lot of things. If you aren't a passie person, that is fine. Just don't be mean to someone that uses them. Mom shame is not an okay game.
Okay all of my random is done. Lots of Love and baby dust!
I have probably had about 30 or more blogs in my head, I should start writing them down... (They come to me in the middle of the night, when I should be sleeping!!)
First. I can't believe that I have a 6 almost 7 month old. Not only is she trying her hardest to sit up, which she has been trying since she was a month in a half old. But, now she wants to push off with her legs, and it looks like she is trying to walk. Forget rolling and crawling, she is just going to skip those.
Second... It is weird to me how different I feel about infertility now. It doesn't leave you. But, parts of it really do get better. It does take a little bit longer to get there. I just really have to choose what bothers me now. Sometimes, I feel like nothing bothers me and then I feel like it ALL bothers me. I can say that I NO longer have word vomit about it. That makes me happy. I have to take the little things.
Third. Yeah I got nothing!
I never realize how tiny Emilia is, until I go to buy her clothes or take her to the doctor. But, boy is she long. I know that won't tell if she will be tall or not. But, if I am remembering correctly from her 4 months appointment to her 6 months appointment she added a lot of inches. When I see her BABY Baby pictures, I don't even think that she is the same baby! Christmas to now seems like SO long ago. Really it isn't that long. September to now seems like a lifetime. And I can't believe in 5 months I will have a 1 year old.
I never thought in a million years that I would make these mile stones. I feel like all of last year, I was holding my breath until Emilia got here. I would have loved to just fast forward last year to the part where you get the baby. I want to tell you that the baby is the best part. Which, I really don't have to because that is what most of us are fighting for.
I want to say a few other things. Have a baby shower. For the love of God, have 5 of them. Invite as many people as you can. A few people asked me if I was going to keep ALL the clothes that I got at my 1 baby shower. I am here to tell you that I have kept them ALL, and I have used them ALL and then some. We have gone through EVERY size. From premie to just barely in 6 months old. I never seems to have enough sleepers. And the sleepers that are one sized, Emilia gets too long for. (Poor baby has never been too fat for them.) Also, if you haven't had your shower yet, your guests (unless they are me) will not buy you past 6 months. And you won't get a lot of 6 months clothes, so go out and buy those. Get them on sale as soon as you learn what you are having. Buy them up!
Accept Hand-me-downs.... from Friends and Family. (People you know!!) Okay, I am weird about this. I don't like to go to thrift stores and consignments places and buy clothes. The main reason... I have seen how many times Emilia has blown out, puked on.. and when she gets shots at the Dr's bleeds on her clothes. For some reason I just don't think that they clothes are clean enough from there. But, I am more than happy to get clothes from friends and family members.
Blankets. You can NEVER have too many of these. If someone tells you otherwise, you either don't live in VA or they are crazy. I never know what the weather is going to be. I can walk about and it is 50 degrees and warm, and they next day it is 50 degrees and cold as hell. Keep a blanket in your diaper bag. Keep one in your car. They also make great places to put your baby down if you need to. Plus, if you have more than a few you don't have to was clothes every other day.
Coats, Jackets, and such. This one is really hard. You can't put the baby in the cart seat in a heavy coat (thus the need for blankets). But, if you are carrying her around or going somewhere you need a coat. I got one of those fleece coats, that has a hood and her feet and arms go in it. They worked SO well. Until, I got her too warm a couple of times and I thought that she was going to scream so loud that my windows were going to break. Kid does not like to be warm. We also have a snow suit that we used a few times. Never in the car. I tried my best not to go out on super cold days. Hats are my favorite. But, up until now (when the weather is warm) Emilia didn't care for them.
Car seats. It took forever for Emilia to like to ride in the car seat. And still sometimes, she hates riding in it in my car. We have a small stuffed animal and a taggie, that have to go with us EVERYWHERE in order to have a smoother car ride. Also we have to have a Passie. It is probably the MOST important part.
Speaking of Passies. I understand that some people hate them. But, I love them. Emilia has to have one to sleep. They didn't really offer it in the hospital. They didn't keep it away, but I begged for one. Our Peds loves them too. He said that some babies are not born suckers. And the passie will help. It helped with a lot of things. If you aren't a passie person, that is fine. Just don't be mean to someone that uses them. Mom shame is not an okay game.
Okay all of my random is done. Lots of Love and baby dust!
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