Sunday, December 18, 2016

(Not So) Happy Christmas

I have been absent from here.  I'm very sorry for that.  The hardest part of the year has come, and I was not ready for it.  I was honestly not prepared for December to roll back around, and me be childless.  But, here we are again.  I have tried really hard to be thankful for EVERYTHING that I have, but to be honest with you I am really tired of all that.  I have really tried not to be bitter, but it's there and I can't stop it.  

When we had our last BFN I went quickly into shut down mode.  This time I didn't know what to do with myself.  I honestly didn't want to have to pick back up and move on.  I didn't think that I could learn to be happy.  I am really good at pretending, but I am pretty awful at faking it.  You might think that they are the same.  But, they really are not.  Pretending is me making small talk with clients at work, going on about my daily business, and pretending that IVF never happened to me.  Faking is being happy when I just want to crawl back in bed or just making due.  Think of it this way, remember when you were little and you would pretend play, you could be just about anything that you wanted (I always pretended to be a teacher).  Now if you faked it you wouldn't play at all.  Faking means to me that it didn't happen at all.  I'm really good at pretending.  

I wanted to skip right over Christmas.  I still want to.  But, it has come really fast, and I am still here to tell the tale.  I am however, not sure what the worst part about this Christmas is.  The fact that I could have a 2 month old and I don't, or the fact that I could be 3 or 1 months pregnant.  I really can't decide.  I think that I am leaning more towards the fact that I could have a 2 month old.  Honestly I really imagine what they would be like (there were 2 embabies that time).  I get really sad about it.  It is like I am a puzzle and I am not put together because I am missing a piece.  

I am now also finding it really hard to have an answer when people are asking me about IVF, and babies and all of that.  My thoughts are not together, and I really don't know what is a good answer.  I guess there is no good one.  

Sometimes I hear people say that they get mad at other women that have babies, because they have done what their body cannot.  I don't feel that way.  I have been told that my body can get pregnant, and until someone tells me different I won't feel that way.  I get mad at people who are bad parents, I get mad at people who have more than 3 kids, I get mad at people who take their kids for granted.  I get mad at my Hubs when he tells me that a tradition that I want to keep for my kids is stupid, because we might not ever have them (he was just really upset, to be fair to him, so don't leave him hate in the comments).  I get mad when I think that I have wasted an entire year and I didn't get pregnant and the Dr's don't offer me anything.  That is when I get mad.  I also get mad when I know that the spirit of Christmas is in a young child and it is the BEST time of year to have one, and I don't.  

So I am going to make my way through Christmas.  I am really trying.  I am dressing up, I have gone to holiday parties, where I put on my cheer and tried hard.  I am going to be happy on Christmas day and I am going to spoil my 4 furbabies.  And then the day after I am going to pretend that Christmas never came and went.  And I am going to focus on the fact that they New Year is going to come and that is new options.  And I am going to try and be a good family member, wife, and friend.  And I am going to leave it all behind.  I cannot change things, I can just hope that they get better.  So for now, Happy Christmas and Merry New Year!!  (Love and Baby Dust too!!)

Friday, December 2, 2016


The IVF process has made me feel very entitled.  Now, you might think that it means that I feel entitled to have a baby or to become pregnant.  However, that is not the case.  I feel a different kind of entitlement.  I logged on facebook this morning just to search around.  I have logged on in a while, I do from time to time, I just really only look at what is on my page, and then I quickly log off, never stopping to look at the news feed.  Today I did.  Whoops, BAD IDEA.  

Image result for Hagrid saying I should have not said that

What I found was happy and sad at the same time.  2 of my friends are pregnant.  (Congratulations, by the way!!)  There maybe more.  But, I had to stop scrolling.  I quickly signed off.  My entitlement comes from this.  I think that when someone is pregnant I think that I should be the first to know.  I know, I'm an ass.  I have been feeling like this for some time.  Through numerous ladies pregnancies.  Sometimes, it is like this.. "I just talked to you, you couldn't have told me then?"  I forget that I probably the LAST person on their mind to tell.  They they forget about me when they are sharing their happy news.  Which, makes me laugh that I feel that way.  But, it is the way it is.

We have, to put it lightly a "good run of bad luck."  As many of you are not aware of, because I choose not to share this time, we had our final transfer on the 16th of November.  And it didn't work again.  This time I was not prepared for the bad news.  I had felt so much different than the previous 2 times.  And so when the call came in, it was a shock.  Now, there is nothing.  We don't have anymore embryos, and they really didn't offer much as to why, this didn't work.

After a failed cycle, they have this meeting to discuss what could be done different.  They called me yesterday.  The first thing out of her mouth was another sorry, but then she said that we had told Dr. Williams that there wasn't any more money so they didn't talk about anythings.  Wait, what??  You didn't talk about anything?  I mean, you could have said anything about doing anything different and you didn't.  They are honoring my request to send my hubs to another Dr, for another opinion.  This just made me angry, the entire thing made me angry.

So, I did what I could only do.  I reached out to my TTC Sisters (TTC= trying to Conceive).  Ironically the day that I decide to do all of this different things fall into place.  That morning, I didn't want to get out of bed.  It was the first morning that I had to go back to work after finding out the news, and it was the first morning that I woke with out the hubs there.  Anyways, by not getting out of bed I missed "Live with Kelly" and I didn't feel like watching "Rachel Ray."  My TV was on TLC from the night before, and as I was getting ready making my tea and breakfast, this show came on that I had never seen before, "Birth Moms."  I watched it so intently.  When I went to work that day, my Area Supervisor had come in.  I haven't seen her for a while,  but she commented on how I was not acting the same.  I had to explain to her what had happened.  And she tells me a story of a friend who adopted, and then became pregnant.  I had a friend that did the same.  And it has always been in the back of my mind.  She also told me about Shady Grove Fertility.  

(This Blog is long, I'm sorry I have a lot to say.)

When we were going through all of this Dr. Bell (my obgyn) suggested either UVA or Shady Grove.  I picked UVA because a friend of mine had been there to fix a problem that she was having when she couldn't get pregnant, and I knew that I could get myself there, if need be without a problem.  (I get lost in a paper bag.)  As far as I knew the closest Shady Grove was in Reston.  I didn't know if I could manage that.  Well a year later, there is a Shady Gove in Gainesville.  (My home town, if you know.)  I can get there.  So, the question comes "Should I switch?"  I had to reach out to the TTC community so see if anyone had been there.  I found that one of the girls that I talk to went there, and she loved it.  So, I did a little more research.  Also I started looking more and more into some of the girls that I follow on Instragram.  I found something that I had been thinking about for a long time, I have one thing different than ALL of them.  My protical (they way the IVF process happens.)  

And it is not just a little bit different, it is a lot.  From the amount of medications (and I know this differs from girl to girl), the the various medications, and the amount of times that there endometrial lining is checked (mine is once), also the amount of times that there progesterone is checked before hand.  When the Dr. calls me and doesn't offer any changes, these are all things that I feel that can be changed.  And I am willing to do all of them.  I'm not saying that we are going to change clinics, right now we don't have the funds to do that.  But, we are considering it.  (first thing is a trip to another Dr.)  

The 2nd thing that I mentioned above was Birth Moms and Adoption.  I have always had adoption in the back of my mind.  But, that night as I thought about it even more, I was awake with a few fears.  I had watched Birth Moms, and I had seen how sad those woman were to place their babies.  They are giving a great gift.  But, I didn't know if I could be on the receiving end of that.  One reason is I cry over someone having to give their dog up, how could I stand there and receive someone's child? The other thing that kept me up, was once I receive this gift, what if the mom wants it back?  This is why I can't foster.  Many people have told me that I should.  I cannot.  I cannot fall in love with a child, and then have to give it back.  That is a great fear.  

So, I sit in limbo.  I sit here thinking about what is next.  What will happen.  I am hopeful, doubtful, but hopeful.  I wish you love and baby dust.  

Monday, November 14, 2016

Living on the Edge of reason.

On average how many times do you blink your eyes in day?  (There is an answer out there, but I don't feel like googling it right now.)  On average how many times do you allow that cursor to blink before you start writing?  The thoughts in my head are all jumbled.  The words are not coming.  

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I feel like I could dream a thousand dreams and they would never come close to being true.  I feel like sometimes I am down this damn rabbit hole and I am stuck there.  I am not going to pop up, it is not going to be different.  Day in, Day out I'm stuck.  If I could just make this one thing work, then everything else would just fall into place.  This is not real.  

What's real, is I'm going to get up tomorrow and the day is going to start over again.  What's real, is I am going to go to work and keep doing my tasks there.  What's real, is I am going to come home make dinner, play with the dogs, talk with the hubs, get a shower, and go to bed.

What's not real: Dreaming.  That is not real.  I will not wake up and it be true.  
What's not real: Thinking that everything is going to be okay.

I am trying to put all of the Negative things that I have in my head out of them.  I am trying to think of reasons to be happy and be positive.  That is the reason for today's post.  I have to try and remain positive.  

However!!!!!  The seed of doubt is a big one.  

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If I can just get through it, I can live.  If I can just stop doubting that I can move forward.  If I could just have peace than I can breathe.  And then and only then, can I stop with the worry.  

In my life I am going through a lot of things that are uncertain.  Life in general is uncertain.  But, I have more than that.  IVF is a big thing that comes with a lot of risks, and not a lot of return.  I am worried that I will have taken the risk, with no reward.  I'm not sure how to accept that.  I'm not sure how to keep going after that.  There is no answer.  There are no kind words.  There is nothing that will change it.  I know that there is a bigger story than this.  My story will not be over.  But, I'd love to just have my baby.  My boxer only fills up so much of that, the rat terrier takes some space too, and even on good days the cat has some room too.  But, the baby would fill the hole of my heart.  I know that this was almost about nothing.  And I know that most of my posts have been that way.  Thanks for continuing to read them any ways.  Thanks for laughing, crying, and caring about me.  Thanks for it all.  Until next time, I wish you love and baby dust.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Being (IVF) Outed at Church

Happy Halloween!  My most favorite time!!!  I hope that you get your fun on today, and are safe!!!

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I have been going to a church group for a little while.  I have been really wanting to go, and finally my friend took me.  It is a mom's group, and for a little while I felt like a fraud; I'm not a mom yet.  The first time that I was there I didn't want to share my story, however my friend kept nudging me to do so.  I didn't.  To be honest, I'm not used to sharing my story in person.  People either find out through social media, already know, or they see me become upset over something silly and they find out what is going on.  It's not that I don't want to share my story, it is that sometimes it is hard.  I get a lot of mixed reactions; some people are really nice about it and think that it is something amazing that I am doing, others ask a lot of questions (Which I don't mind) because they don't understand, some are stunned... then there is the last group: hate/ anger or thinking that this is something that the Hubs makes me do.  I don't know about you people in that last group.  I cannot say it enough, Hubs does not force me to do this.  I want a child, WE want a child and so we have to figure this out.  

Anyways:  There has been a question that has come up several times that I have been in group. It is similar to this; "Do you trust God?  Do you trust Him to follow through on all His promises to you?"  This has weighed heavy on me for sometime.  And that is when it came out.  I told them my story (they are not strangers now) but many of the ladies sitting in that room were strangers, and I am sitting here sharing my IVF story with tears pouring down my face.  I got to thinking about why I might have had the tears, because usually I can say my story and I can keep it together, and then I realized the day that it was; or better yet the day after the day that it was.  It was the 26th of October, and I realized that I had made it through my due date of the first embryos of the 25th without batting an eye.  I was so busy to not pay attention to what day it was.  I was thankful for that.  I was thankful for sitting with the group of ladies and being distracted until that question came about.  I am thankful for anytime that I am busy.  Because, if I am not keeping my mind busy, then I am thinking about them.  And now I have 3 to think about.  I realized that the 26th would have marked the 1st 24 hours of being a mom.  And the emotions and the hormones just came up everywhere.  

I have yet to figure this all out.  I still have a lot of understanding.  The hardest part to hear still is; "You can't make the embryo stick, it has to do that itself."  I'd rather hear something else.  I'd rather hear anything else.  It's hard when my favorite time of year comes around and I have no kids to take photos of or dress up.  I try to keep it busy, and just think about being thankful for anything.  It is hard when some of your times is spent just thinking.  I don't know how to get through some of that.  I'm trying.  

When people come and talk to me about what I am going through, and they try to sympathize with me, I don't really like it.  I also don't like when people blame the Hubs, or say that he is putting me through this.  That isn't the case.  I'm not sure how to say that enough.  We are in this together.  We are a team, and there is no I in team, there is a me, but that is only if you put it backwards.  I have said that my relationship with God has been a struggle.  I am not lying about that.  I have God on one shoulder and I'm sure the devil trying to sit on the other.  I am trying not to listen.  I think that this is the path that I was put on.  I think that telling my story is what is wanted.  I am trusting that it is.  I am trusting that this will work.  I am trusting.  I keep trusting.  I keep trusting and I keep praying.  So, for now I wish you a Wonderful Halloween and Love and Baby Dust!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Untitled part 2

Since leaving facebook, I have felt ever so... free.  Plus I have battery to save on my phone.  I never really realized how much I checked that thing.  Anyways...

I have realized that sometimes God answers your prayers in different ways.  And sometimes he isn't answering you at all.  That is something that I am learning to handle.  I honestly want to be okay with whatever comes my way.  But, I am really not good at that.  Not even a little bit.

Tomorrow I have to take my puppies (real puppies not my embryos) to the vet.  I am very worried about taking them.  The Boxer is fine.  She is perfect health, she just has to have her Rabies.  Hubs will have to take her to the car afterwards, because the rotten dog has as much anxiety in her 70lbs as I have in all of me.  Emma is fine too, she is my other rat, she just needs a check up and a rabies shot.  It's Jake that I worry about.  He has these lumps on him, and he is old.  And all I can think of is they are going to say something about him, and I am going to lose my mind.  

Right now my dogs are my kids (I include the cat as a dog, because he is weird and acts like one), and to lose one of them is like losing a piece of my soul.  Rotten I know.  I'm just worried.

Okay, so I don't really have an update.  This is just simple life, leading a simple life.  (Okay it's not really that simple.)  As I am sitting at my keyboard with writers block, trying to think of a way to wow you; I have none.  I think about my story, what is the purpose of this and that, what is the next chapter of this book of life?  But, isn't that the way life goes?  You are not really writing the book, you are living it.  But, as I sit here trying to write, I realize that tomorrow is a blank page for you to live again.  Even if you sit around trying to be productive or change things, you can or you can't.  

I guess my update is that I have a lot of worry.  In a person that has worrying in her jeans, I have a lot to worry.  I want to stop worrying but how do I do that?  

So, if you need to find me, you can find me here.  If you need more daily updates you can find my on instagram, which I must warn you they are mainly updates on my puppies.  For now as always, I wish you love and baby dust.

Monday, October 10, 2016

It would be easier...

Honestly sometimes I think that it would be easier to call it a day, and get another boxer.

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Look at that cute face.  (and that isn't even my girl.)  But, then I realize how far in we are, and I realize that if I give up now, I'll have so many regerts that they outweigh everything else.  Yes, I put myself through this.  No one is forcing me.  I want a baby, and this is the option.  When you believe that this is your point, that this is your purpose, then you keep doing what you have to do.  

It is funny how this has become my story.  This is my book of life.  I think that I say that often.  I wanted to change the world, and sometimes I feel like this is how I'm going to do it.  Did you know that most insurances don't offer you any type of discount on fertility treatments?  Did you also know that they will cover some things to find out why you can't have baby, but they will not help you make one?  Did you also know that it is expensive to have a baby, some couples pay for birthing their children until they are 2 and 3 years old?  If you have male issue fertility then  there are some help out there for you.  Most insurances will pay for surgery or anything else that your partner will need to create a child.  I really thought that Obama was supposed to fix that for all of us?  I mean shouldn't I have access to the health care that I want and need?  I thought that was what it was?  I also thought that I was supposed to be able to get a job that I wanted after completing college?  It was what my generation has been told over and over again.  

I know that this is ranting.  I get it.  I also get that you are sometimes tired of hearing me rant, but you keep reading my blog, so something is keeping you coming back, and thanks for that.  All political things aside, we are just trying to keep working through this.  We are close to the holidays, ugg the food one.  I hate Thanksgiving, don't judge me.  But, I am not one for food holidays.  I am way too picky and really I could just spend time with family and be fine.  I like Christmas for the gifts, I like to give.  But, lately I have been awful at giving things.  This is probably not the best time to find out that you are not pregnant.  In fact it is the worst time.  I remember when we were trying the natural way.  I hadn't become vocal, and my period was late, it was no big deal.  I really never had a time where it came when it was supposed to.  But, we decided to test... around Christmas time.  It was negative, I just cried.  I also remember thanking, okay I have to act normal the rest of the day.  And I really don't want to do Christmas right now.  When these test come out negative, I just want to spend the day in bed.  (I did that last Monday.)  I ordered pizza, I drank a soda and I just layed on the couch under my covers.  The protection of my covers is unlike anything else.  

It is also hard to pick yourself up and get going with life again.  I just remember that negative test around Christmas time.  How I cried at home, and then just pretended to be normal all day.  That is what I do.  Some days I'm really good at it and some days I totally suck at it.  When a customer comes into work, and I try and act happy, and then they do something stupid and I get all pissy, yeah I'm just trying to act normal.  Normal, what even is that???  Well, I can't spend my entire day blogging, or bitching.  I have things to do.  But, I really want to spend my day in my pjs.  So for now I wish you love and baby dust.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Currently Untitled

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I am not sure where I fall into this category.  October is Pregnancy and Infant loss month, as well as many other things.  So I don't think that I really fall into this.  Factually I have never been pregnant, only PUPO (it is what we in the IVF world call the 2 week wait from transfer to pregnancy test, PUPO stands for Pregnant until proven otherwise) I have had 2 of those.  So, I will not say that I am 1 in 4 because I have not lost a pregnancy, and I haven't lost a baby.  I have only lost an Embryo, 3 of them to be fact.  So, I am still the 1 and 8, and will spam you with that when Infertility month comes around.  (I guess that is a little PSA for you.)

We were trying very hard to hide the fact that we had a transfer.  But, I am honestly not a cryptic as I'd like to be.  I personally told a few people, and many of my family knew.  We had every hope and intent that this was going to be it.  That this would be our baby.  The stars were lining up.  It was fall (in face we transferred on the first day of fall) and test day was on the 3rd of October, and you know me you know my thing with 3's.  But, as luck would have it I began to doubt some VERY serious symptoms that I was having, and when it gets in my head, there is no turning back.  I was praying that it was all in my head, not the symptoms of course, but the fact I doubted my body.  But, luck was not on my side, and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative).  This time with no explanation.  

Let me back up just a little bit from there.  On our first try the cards were not in our favor.  My body did not like the medication that I was put on at all.  The eggs that I made were small, and of low quality.  On our last test Dr. Bateman asked if we wanted to continue, or if we wanted to stop and try something else.  Hubs and I were so sure that this first time was going to be our only try and it was going to work, that we wanted to continue.  We should have stopped that day, paid another 10K and got the money back guarantee package.  Hindsight is 20/20.  That is what we should have done.  Those babies were not meant to be ours, but it doesn't mean the pain of losing them was any different than it was this week.

Because we were not offered any sort of explanation from the nurse who called and told us about the BFN, Hubs wanted me to make an appointment to talk to the Doctor.  Honestly it was the last thing that I wanted to do.  I didn't want to make another trip, for nothing, and really didn't want to talk to anyone.  But, sometimes as a spouse you do things for your husband that you don't want to do, and you make the appointment and you go and talk.  I'm glad that I did.  When I go down there for my general appointments I don't ask too much.  Usually I am in a hurry because I have to make the hour drive back and go to work, other times I am just so excited to see the growth of my eggs when we are going through that time that I just have too much on my mind to think about anything else.  So I am glad to talk to the doctor, when he isn't looking at my hooha.  (Side note, I was pissed that the receptionist would not allow me to see Dr. Bateman, she said that because Dr. Williams, who I had not seen since June did our initial consult, that they keep you with that person, and I had to see him.  Not a bad guy, just when you haven't seen him since June and it is now October, it kinda makes you scratch your head.)

When I went down there, I had in my mind that they were not interested in getting me pregnant, that I was just a random woman that they were going to take some money from, that this was not going to work and then I was going to just stop going down there.  After talking to Dr. Williams I felt differently.  You see some how some way we made a perfect Embryo, don't ask me how, but we did.  Embryos are graded 1 to 8, 1 is the worst, 8 is the best.  It is very unlikely to get an 8, and we made an 8.  We also made a 7.  So, then what is the reason that this didn't work.  I'll quote Dr. Williams, "You can't make the embryo stick, there is nothing physically or scientifically that can be done to make it stay, it has to do that on it's own, you did everything perfect."  My blood tests were great, everything was great.  My puppy just didn't want to stick.  Am I devastated? Yes.  Do I feel like I can come back from this?  Well that has yet to be determined.

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 The sting is still raw, and it is new.  

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Wednesday, September 21, 2016

The hardest thing about....

The hardest thing about infertility/IVF isn't the waiting game, even though that is torture.  The hardest part is maintaining friendships with people.  It is almost like every one becomes a battleground.  

In relationships you can play so many roles.  Usually in them you as one person play one role.  Unless you are married or related to that person, then you can play them all.  Your friends will stick you in one role, sometimes you don't know it, other times you are good at it and you feel it all the time.  I can honestly say, that I do not play the role of support.  Generally when someone sticks me in the role, I fail at it miserably.  I can empathize with what you are going through, and I can be dependable, but I find it hard to be supportive.  I generally seek out people who will support me, due to that fact that I am not good at this role.  If there was a such role as being honest, then I fit right in.  Sometimes I just say it.  I have heard it many times from many different people.  My hubs college roommate would tell me all the time that I am brutal, and often times he didn't want to talk to me because I would just tell him how it is.  (Mind you he was kind of a dick, he thought that he was crazy funny and always right, and he just sucked all the fun out of the room sometimes.  I couldn't keep up, because sometimes he would just frustrate me.)

Getting back to the original topic.  During this process you want to find friends that support you.  You see if you have a friend that is going through this, it is pretty hard to be there.  If you and a friend are going through this together it can really bring you closer.  But, it can also drive a wedge through you.  The thing is people have expectations of you, and one in your moment of weakness or struggle you can't live up to it people want to exit your live almost as quick as they came into your life.  You tell your friends that you are going to blog about your journey, and that could mean at some point they will be a part of it.  So they stop talking you.  The truth is that you don't know how to not blog about people.  And you don't know how to stop blogging about babies and not having them once you start.  

I think that it is funny that people don't talk to me because they don't want to be a part of my blog.  I also think that it is funny that people have this revolving friendship with me, and they keep walking in and out of my life.  In the words of Meredith Grey, "We see a path and we take it.... even if we have no idea where we are going."  I ran down this path.  It was a hard path to pick.  I mean I have to subject myself to many things, needles being one of them, tons of meds being another.  NEITHER ONE I like.  I have to subject myself to waiting games, and not knowing what is going on in my body or around it.  Yeah it sounds like a shit ton of fun.  Anyways.  

Friendships are hard to maintain during this time.  Mainly because any relationship takes work, and I'm married and working on making a baby and so those also take work.  Plus, I have a job, so that leaves not much more room for me to keep working.  I want so much to keep my friendships.  But, I also have learned that sometimes I cannot do it all.  I am not super woman.  I am just a girl that has a lot of opinions, who writes them down, and hopes that I am not talking in circles all the time, and that you will follow my blog.  So, for now I wish you love and baby dust.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

This may contain tears:

Since we have started this IVF session, I have tried not to think about the last one.  But, to the best of my ability I have not been very successful this last month.  But, I have been very quiet about it.  

Today, really got me.  Because it is almost the end of September, and October would have been when we were due.  I also really want to be normal.  I just want to get pregnant.  More than that I wanted our first embryos.  I have to try and look past that, and think that God had not meant them for me.  

I am sitting here trying to find the words to write.  I am pretty stumped.  I have a ton of emotions.  People post about being pregnant and I feel joy for them, but I am always like, why not me.  I just feel that the years are passing bye, and I can't make them stop.  I want more than ever for them to slow down.  I wish I had that power.  I also wish that I could just make this IVF work.  Oh vey.

I want every single shot to be one step closer to our baby.  But, I have to be honest with myself, that they may not be.  In my heart I feel like this is my time.  They found out that I have fluctuating thyroid had I have had to go on meds for that.  If I were not doing IVF and not on and off birth control so much, it wouldn't be a big deal.  But because it was slightly elevated it could cause me to miscarry, so on the meds I go.  Also everything else has been going good, my lining is where it should be.   I just have to find out if my hormones are in the right place.  Please God, let it be so.  

I hope that I am not writing the same thing over and over.  I feel like my mind is consumed on this, especially at a time when all I wanna do is think about Halloween and do Halloween stuff.  I also just want to be a hermit.  I would like to spend the next 2 months under blankets, taking a shower every other day or so and binge watching a ton of shows.  Since I can't do any of that, I guess I will just try and be as normal as I can be.  

I currently do not have a plan "b" and this should shock every one of you because I always have another plan.  I am quick to make the next plan.  I think it out and I finally arrive at it.  I do not have one this time.  I don't know if I will know how to pick myself back up this time around and move on.  I am also hoping beyond hope that I will not have to.  I know that if I think positive then it will be positive.  But, I am beyond scared and nervous and I just want to skip a head.  In the world of IVF there are several 2 weeks waits.  It has been classically coined TWW.  Why they pick 2 weeks, I really don't understand or know.  But, it is what it is.  And it is the biggest annoyance that I have to deal with.  Besides being on meds that my body doesn't like any more.  I have been been breaking out.  But, I cannot take anything for it.  I just have to deal.  

I am sorry that I sound like a whiner, but I cannot help it.  I am ready for the next step and I am also ready for it to be over.  For now I wish you love and baby dust.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

The little things....

So this post isn't about IVF per say.  It is more about infertility.  There are many things that happen during this process.  You think that you know and really you just don't.  I don't want to call out anyone that is on this journey.  I really hope that I am not in this post.  I am so glad that many of you are reaching out to me.  I want you to know that I am here for you, in whatever way.  If it is someone to lean on, I'm here.  If you need to talk to me once and not again, that is fine too.  Know that I will not give up on you.  

Any ways...  Recently there has been a great deal of hate in the infertility world.  

 Image result for sunshine and butterflies

To be fair, no one said that it was going to be sunshine and butterflies.  We all know this, this is the risk that we take.  However, when you decide that you want to be apart of the story when you want to be in that community.  When you finally get the courage to share, you want to be embraced by others in this community.  I'm not really sure how it happened.  I am not sure where these ladies come from.  But, really if you are reading this, and you are going to hate on this, STOP.  Stop right now.  

Not one of us, not a single one are not struggling.  The process of infertility is a struggle.  Some of them are different.  Some are in phase where you just don't want to face life, and others are just in this happy place because they have success.  (In case you are curious, I am in this middle phase where I don't know what to feel and I really can't handle being around babies.  Anyone under the age of 3 is just hard for me.  And I have tried really hard... but for lack of a better phrase "The Struggle is REAL.")  But, I don't care who you are, I don't care where you are in this, I don't want the hate.  

We should not be telling each other how to feel, or that we should stop acting one way.  This is not a time for you word vomit to present itself.  This is also not a time to tell someone how you got pregnant.  Once you get to the other side, you don't get to turn.  You don't get to not be supportive.  You walked into this.  You don't get to leave.  
Image result for Lean on me
We all know that women can be down right mean, catty, and evil; among other things.  But, I am really saddened by some things that I have seen recently.  

I have learned that this journey will make you lose some friends.  When I was keeping this all in, I got so angry that I would just say things.  I also forgot to take care of myself.  I forgot things that I needed to be a decent human being.  To not go ape shit crazy on people.  I tried to make amends, I tried to forgive, I tried to let myself be forgiving, I took the blame.  But, what happens is people get mad and they move on.  It is hard, I hated it, I still hate it.  I wish that I could fix it, but somethings are impossible to fix.

You will offend, piss off, and hurt EVERYONE!!!!  Sometimes you can help it, and sometimes you can't.  Sometimes people think that you are talking about them and you aren't.  Sometimes you are just talking, and sometimes you really mean it.  It is hard, because if you keep it bottled in, it will be worse than if you just say it.  You don't know what to do with yourself and that is the truth.  You say sorry so many times.  Keep saying it, try not to be offensive, just try to be honest.

I cannot say this enough but, find something that makes you really happy.  Like not just a little bit happy, and talking over the moon over joyed happy.  Do it.  Do it a lot.  Because there are going to be many times when you don't know if you can keep going, and there are going to be times when you think if you have to take one more pill, get one more needle stick, or have to see one more pregnancy announcement that isn't yours, you might just drive somewhere and NEVER come back.  You need that happy.  You need to do that happy, trust me on this.

Sometimes people will walk out of your life.  You won't know why, you won't know when.  But you have to let them.  You cannot make the move to stop them, you have to just let them be.  I understand that this sounds crazy.  However, you will wear yourself out chasing after them.  And you need to keep yourself rested.  I know that if you are just starting your journey and you are reading this, that this will be hard.  But, really trust me.  Let them walk away.  You are going to find out everything.  Who your true friends are, who in your family loves you.  If you have ever doubted anything, you will learn.  

You will also become closer to your spouse or partner.  But the thing is, if you are not married to that person, I am not sure why you are partaking in such a big thing.  It is a hard thing that you will go through.  But, that person, is who you choose to do it with.  Keep choosing them.

I guess that I am just full of advice right now.  I'm not sure.  But, I know that they hate hast to stop.  The encouragement needs to keep on going.  Don't forget that.  Love and Baby Dust.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Dancing on a tightrope

If I could dance, my dance would be completed on a tightrope right now....

Image result for Lady on the tightrope

I'm not sure if it is a balancing act that I have going on, or if I just need to fall, fall hopelessly, forever and just fall.  

It's funny because many people have said that my life lesson in this journey is that I will learn how to not be in control.  But, honestly I think that my life lesson is much more than this.  I think that I have learned many lessons in this.  

Control:  I have learned that there are things that I can control and some I can't.  And while I enjoy being in control there are many times where I like that the control is shifted off of me and on to someone else.  Even if that person is my Dr, and they aren't always communicating to me.

Take time to just be alone:  Don't answer the phone.  Don't talk.  Just be.  I find that sometimes this is the best thing ever.  I am really good at doing in when I am able to take long baths.  I also really like to do it on the weekends.  And sometimes for the hell of it I just like to do it.  I never knew that I would like this so much, until I really had to do it for myself.  During an IVF cycle you are go go, and sometimes you just need to not be.  I need to not be.  

Phones can be stressful:  Sometimes I don't want to even pick up my phone.  I would love to come home and it not go off.  From the time I get home from work, until I get up in the morning I would just like it to be quiet.  And yet we live in this world.  Honestly, from the time of 3 way calling and "Friends" used to try to get me to talk about others behinds their backs, I haven't liked talking on the phone.  I really could live without it.  I would probably check facebook less.  Who knew that a text message could make your blood pressure go up...

I have gotten really good at explaining medical jargon, and using other words for vaginia.  I wasn't sure how I would do on those things.  I did work in the pharmacy for a little while, but I have really gotten better at my skills.  

Putting something into your body that is not prescribed to you, even if it is food, can be stressful.  I never knew that.  I do think about what I am eating and why.  I miss coffee and ginger ale.  I am slowly missing dairy.  I get tired of eating so many veggies.  I have to tell people I can't have soda, alcohol, so much dairy, and trying to limit my gluten intake.  I get funny looks.  But, if it helps to conceive than I will do it.  

I don't speak up enough.  I am leaving that one there.

All and all it is about balance, something that I am not really good at.  I will get there.  I will either balance, or fall and fall. Love and Baby Dust!

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Trying not to have meltdowns

I'm really trying to hold my meltdowns to a minimal.  

I have the tendency to overthink and consume myself in anxiety over many things.  But, this week has been a killer.  The Hubs is in New York, on a work trip.  So that leaves me with the critters and my work at home.  I don't really mind that he has to go.  But, sometimes I wish that he would just stay here.  Anyways.  I was okay most of yesterday.  Then I went on lunch and that was disaster.  With all the things that are going on in my life, I forget when I leave for lunch.  I only get 30 minutes, so this can become a real problem.  I try my hardest, but I know that I am coming back late.  No, one has said anything, but I know that it might be coming.  I think that I need to set a timer on my phone, but I can't even remember to do that sometimes.  I go home for lunch, it is only 2 minutes from my work, and it saves some money.  Plus I get to cuddle with the cat, who is pretty happy that I come home to see him.  Anyways, as I am making my short drive home, there are some cars that are pulled over on the side of the road, and this lady is frantic on her cell phone.  I look over and see a man slumped over on the ground.  It is hotter than hell outside, and all I could think is dear God, please let him not be dead.  I didn't stop, I just cried on the rest of my short drive.  My heart was racing.  Meltdown number one, complete.  

Today, I think that I am okay.  The dogs woke me up at 730, and so I took my time with getting breakfast and taking my shot.  I have to give it to myself because Hubs is away.  I did great Sunday, a minor freak out on Monday.  Today was AWFUL.  First I couldn't get the medicine out of the vial.  That should have been my first clue to get another syringe, but I went with it.  After getting the meds in the syringe, I couldn't get the cap back on my needle, which should have been my next clue.  But, I marched on.  I wanted to get it done and over with.  Poke one, the needle won't go in.  I tried to add some pressure, to see if it would go in my skin.  Nothing.  Move higher and I had to let out a little scream, that jab hurt so much and the needle won't go on.  I lay there for a moment, cover my face and with a little more determination, wipe my skin with the alcohol pad and go in for another poke.  The needle will not puncture my skin.  At this point, I'm hot mad, and starting to melt down.  So I go and put the meds back in the vial and make my way upstairs to get a new needle.  The meds go right in the new syringe, with ease I might add.  I lay down, wipe my belly, and poke again, needle goes right in.  And the tears flow.  I am lucky that I didn't get stuck with that needle somewhere else, because I put it down and just cried.  Luckily my shot buddy came upstairs with me and was laying on the bed, she covered my face with hers and we just laid there.  I love my boxer.  I miss my husband.  I cried for a good little bit, and then located my needle next to my arm, and went and put it away.  My belly now has some welts and what looks like track marks.  I assure you that I am not using any drugs.  I decided that I needed to lay low today and not do much.  

I have 3 more days that I have to give myself a shot.  Then I get a break, and the hubs is back home to give them to me for a little bit.  Then he will be back out again.  This part is a little rough on me.  I am no longer scared of the needles, I just can't seem to work the magic that he does and give myself a shot.  To all of you that are able to do that on your own, I think that you are awesome and brave and you keep on doing what your doing.  As for me I'm just going to have to struggle with it.  

So, I really hope that I don't have a melt down tomorrow, as I'll have to go to work and function like a normal person.  There is no lay low.  Also, can this take your breath away heat please go away.  I like all the seasons, and don't really complain.  But, I love my fall and want it to come.  So, with that I wish you love and baby dust.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

A Real Update this time...

When they say that, "Anything worth having is worth the effort (or something like that)" I can say that YES I agree.  IVF is hard.  It is harder to explain it to anyone.  Some believe that it is magic mixed with science, others I have to explain over and over again.  I don't mind, there are things that I don't understand.  (For instance my RE nurse said that she wasn't calling anything in, and then she did, and she called in Vaginal Suppositories, when I am on shots??  Makes me wonder if she got the right person.)  

So, I was in my first TWW (Two week wait), this one is the time after the Eggs are retrieved to the time that my body naturally has a period.  I am supposed to get two weeks.  I only got a week and a half, although yesterday was the 2 week mark, and I have been on shot break.  It is so nice, to not have to inject daily.  With a frozen cycle, it is much different.  They want your body to get the IVF drugs out of your system.  However, then they suppress your system, so that your hormones are all out of whack.  OH and I get to take BCP (Birth control again).  I am so tired of taking BCP it is not funny.  You see when I was on it to begin with I never really liked it, it made me feel like crap, and then I never got Aunt Flo, when she was supposed to come anyways.  So, now that I have to take it again, I am so annoyed.  I think that because I'm annoyed, I add a little extra meanness to it.  

These next meds, I have never been on.  I am a little nervous to partake in them.  I don't want to stick things up my vajayjay.  And I really don't want to give myself shots.  So yeah there is that.

Because my cycles are all messed up, I have been getting a lot more migraines.  Yesterday I was on the couch all day, I was so hopeful to get my house cleaned and laundry done, and I couldn't even get off the couch.  I tried some peppermint oil on my temples and I think that my head was too far gone.  I hate migraines, they really need to stop.  I am unable to do anything with them.  I can't care for my dogs, and I am scared that I will get them when I have my kids, and will need someone to rescue me. I think then I will go to the Dr. and demand the medication for it.  Every time I am there and ask, they won't give it to me.  They say that one a month does not count for going on medication.  I say that one a month and not being able to do anything until the day after should count.  I will beg, especially if I have a baby to care for.  I am writing this with tears streaming down my face, just thinking of how bad it was yesterday.   

So that is my update, I am full of migraines and wonder.  And just hopeful that our puppies stick.  That these puppies decided ALREADY that hubs and I will be there mom and dad.  Love and Baby Dust.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Not an update: warning this may offend

I really enjoy "reality TV."  Probably a little too much.  I mainly like the shows that are about different ways a living or marrying.  (Tiny House Nation, Born This Way, Little People Big World, Arrange, and my FAVE Married At First Sight.)  I have been watching this new show on FYI called "Teenage Newlyweds."  I thought at first this show was going to be about why these kids choose to get married at such a young age.  Instead, it is more like they have to get a house and get jobs, and real married stuff.  Which is good.  Okay, not too much to get you hooked I know.  But, I thought that it was interesting.  

So, there is this couple on there, they are both 20... btw.  They are from California, Brenda and Travis.  Travis is conservative, and Brenda is liberal.  (I am generalizing here, but she is Spanish and while I wasn't sure where they are on a political standpoint, I thought that most of them were raised Catholic??  Wouldn't that mean that they are not pro-choice?  Again I am generalizing, but this is what I thought.)  Brenda and Travis had a pregnancy "scare" ( I really wanted to vomit at that word, but there it was, and I held the bile in,)  Travis said that if Brenda choose to have an abortion or that she didn't want the baby he would take the baby and leave her.  Brenda was very upset that Travis would even think of this, she wanted to go to school and have a career; "She didn't want to put her life on hold for a baby."  Are you kidding me?  Now, in this day and age, you are post the "16 and Pregnant" day.  You have seen or heard of "Teen Mom."  Why on earth would you not practice safe sex?  So the couple found out that they were not pregnant.  "Scare" Over! 

Then in another episode they went to talk to a Preacher that was pro-choice.  However, she didn't allow Travis to have any say in anything.  So my question, rant, point: HERE IT IS:  You married him, it's his baby and he has no choice in this?  That is his baby.  You have to watch Travis, he was so head over heals at the fact that they could have a baby.  I am just like OMG.  This guy is willing to raise a baby on his own, just to have a child.  

But, this Preacher really got my thinking.  Do we really leave our husbands/committed partner out of this conversation?  Is this woman really saying that men do not belong in this conversation?  This is where I am getting at as well.  As a married woman, I would want my husband to have say in lots of aspects of my life, a child being one of them.  I mean this child is a part of him and I am in the relationship with him.  I don't think that this is a one sided thought at all.  It is just not right that this woman would do this.  

Obviously you know where I am on the entire Pro-Choice or Pro-Life thing.  I am not telling anyone what to do with their body.  I do think that it is so awful that woman can pay nothing to not have a child and I have to pay an arm and a leg and then some to have one.  Please don't tell me that I am doing my insurance wrong.  There is no coverage.  But, I do think that if the costs were greater to have an abortion, than maybe people would think a lot longer and harder about having unprotected sex.  I'm also not understanding why so many people think that there is this war on woman.  It is not on Woman, it is more like towards woman.  We want the same pay and rights as men.  I personally want a job where I get just as much leave a benefits for having a baby as my husband.  He gets 12 weeks, I get 6.  He gets this amazing credit thing where he can put away for child care and such, and my job just helps you find reasonably priced child care.  He can put the child (not me) on his insurance and not worry about it taking away from his pay, I have to worry about them taking half my paycheck for me and the kid.  This is not fair.  This is what we need to fight for.  Woman have to work.  We can't stay home (okay some of you can, I totally commend you on that, I am actually going to try and work less hours, but this will depend on if the hubs moves up some more).  Alright I will stop there.  I promise that the next blog will be a real update, and not just me ranting on something that I have been watching on TV.  

Love and Baby Dust.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

I'm a numbers person

I'm a numbers type of person, well sortof.  

I have a thing about numbers is more like it.  My favorite number is 3, and I try to find things that either divisible by 3, end up in 3, or are generally 3.  Now, that you know that let's move on.  Our first round of IVF, was not successful.  The meds and dosages didn't work well with my body.  After an unsuccessful IVF round the team comes together and discusses (without you) what can be done different.  So they completely changed what they did with me.  I have been on a med called Lupron for about a month now.  It has done the trick.  Last time I only had 6 eggs.  When they were fertilized, we were knocked down to 5.  When they began to grow only 4 survived.  Out of the 4, only 2 were viable.  There was nothing left to freeze, there was nothing, 2 was it.  And they didn't take.  

Now, we are looking at the very least 12 eggs.  That is double what we have last time.  But, there are 6 or 7 on the left side, and 6 on the right.  There is one that is a size 20 (at last check, which was today), and my smallest is about the size of my biggest last time, which was a 16.  The odds, or the numbers, seem to be in our favor.  

I have to say that I feel really good about it this time.  I saw Dr. Smith for most all of my appointments, and if you have been following my blog you know that she is my favorite.  She has a way of easing you, even if she has to tell you something bad.  And she also is very optimistic, she really thinks about you and will tell you if you need to change something to have better results.   I am hoping, being that she said "I'll see you Monday."  That she will be the one that takes my eggs.  But, you never really know.  Sometimes, the Dr. will say see you tomorrow and you won't actually see that Dr. the next day.

So, they are freezing my eggs this time.  All of them.  We are doing a frozen transfer.  And honestly I am not worried about it.  Even though, I don't really know how that is going to go.  Other than, the Dr's have said that they are going to wait for my body to do what it does naturally, not med induced.  That being said...

Hubs and I are only going to let some family know when we are doing the frozen transfer.  The reason being, I want to get back to some normal.  I want to be able to tell people, that we are pregnant (I'm still not pregnant yet, don't jump ahead), rather than them ask.  I know that a lot of people are going to continue to ask, it's okay.  I'm just not going to tell.  I hope that EVERYONE keeps that.  I will be REALLY upset if someone slips up.  Again, I have been open and honest, and I will continue to do that.  It is just I want something to be normal about this abnormal process.   

I am ready for Monday to be here, have you ever heard someone say that?  It will be the last time for a little while that I have to drive to UVA.  That drive is the most draining.  2 hours of driving for a 15 min or less appointment.  I am just ready for that part to be done.  My follies have also gotten big enough that I am cramping.  I feel like there is no space in my tummy for even food.  It is pretty tight, and shots really hurt cause my skin is tight, and there isn't much to pinch.  But the last one is tonight, and I have made it.  A month of sticks and I made it.  We filled up 3 sharps containers, from this cycle and the last and we made it.  

As I have said so many times, Thank you for any kind words, thoughts, prayers and love.  It goes a LONG way and I really appreciate it.  I couldn't do it without support.  I mean it.  Please continue to do so.  I will never ever say that I don't want any of that.  So, until next time; Love and Baby Dust!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016


So, I'm back to daily appointments, even though the RE Nurse said that I wouldn't be daily.  It's almost over, so I guess that I will be able to handle it.  I can say that this time around, I'm really tired.  A good night's sleep would be great, but being able to sleep in would be the icing on the cake.  

I had a pesky little cyst that seemed to be getting bigger.  Saying that I was worried would be an understatement.  But, today like magic it seemed to be gone.  And I was having some stomach cramps last night.  

I just keep telling myself that this is almost over.  They did give me the paperwork for the egg retrieval yesterday, and that is usually when things get close.  My biggest egg is a 13 and it needs to get to a 17.  I'm so hopeful.  These puppies need to grow, and then they need to do what they do outside my body.  

Last time we called my eggs our baby birds, birds lay eggs and then the eggs become birds.  I am still very attached to the birds concepts, with feathers and all.  I will not change that.  But, this time around we have decided that the eggs are puppies.  And this is because if you know me very well you know my love for dogs.  How, I always want another one.  So, the thought process, is if we call them puppies the we will have a 2 legged puppy.  (Do not contact me saying that you have a real 2 legged puppy that I need to adopt, I am actually talking about a human, and saying that it is a puppy.)  

On IVF round one, Abby our boxer was a nervous wreck.  We thought that were were panicked, but nothing could compare to her.  Boxer butt would destroy my house, she didn't sleep well, there were countless things that I could name that she would do.  This time we decided that she would be part of the process.  As long as she is good.  So Abby has become my shot buddy.  She lays on the bed and comforts me during the shots.  And you may think that it would be crazy, but it is actually nice having 70lbs of comfort to distract you.  There is much space left on my belly that has not been needle stabbed.  They are becoming painful.  So when she smothers my face with hers it is actually nice.  I think that she is pretending that I am her puppy.  The world will never know.  

I am so optimistic this time around.  I know that the main goal is a pregnancy, but I have another main goal.  Enough embryos that are viable and can be frozen.  They mean more tries and at less of the cost.  I still don't understand how this can cost so much and how insurance can provide so little.  Don't they know that 1 and 8 have some type of fertility issue?  I really think that that number should be higher, because I know several people (not just ones I have met on facebook or instagram) but real live people that have fertility issues.  Maybe it is just something that god or whoever knows that we will struggle with so he pulls us together?  I'm not sure.  But I know that I need you all.  Again I bid you love and baby dust.