Sunday, August 31, 2014

I wish that I could say yes...

There are many things that people ask...

Day to day you might ask someone 100 questions, no not like when you are a kid and you keep asking, "Why?" and that is your answer to the question.  Most questions are easy answers, you never think about them after the question is asked.  However, I have been dwelling on two questions lately and I wish that I could say "yes" to both of these questions.

Before I say what those questions are, I must keep you guessing and reading and try to work my way around them...

When I was little I never thought that I would be anything other than a teacher.  It was never a question that I would not be a teacher.  I wasn't in it for the money.. I really enjoyed knowledge and I wanted to share it with others.  I wanted school supplies out of the abundance, I wanted a desk, and things to organize my school supplies... And now when people ask me if I teach the answer is, "No."  A no that I really hate saying, I have been dwelling on this a lot lately.  I have even been thinking do I really want to teach.  It's beginning to go from dwelling on wanting to be a teacher to 2nd guessing if I really wanted to be a teacher in the first place.  

I would love to answer "Yes" to this question.  I am sure that I will be scared to death when the answer is "Yes," it is a reason for having a big house, a good job, money in the bank, and a car to drive.  When people ask if we are expecting...I want to say yes.  I don't know when the breaking point to this will be.  I feel so let down, I feel like it is the end of the world.  I am tired of being hopeful, I am tired of trying different things to test this and do that!  I am so tired of some of the advice.  If you haven't been in my shoes you don't know...
When the monthly visitor comes, I want to choke someone...better yet I just want to be left alone.  I have never been so mad to receive, "The Monthly Gift" in my life.  I want to make it clear.. I am trying to stay positive.  But the longer this goes on the more I want to pull my hair out.  I am beginning to walk by pregnant women and give them evil looks.  I look longingly at babies and toddlers, and wonder what mine will look like.  I am sure that people think I am weird or something... 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

It's been a hard two weeks...I

I have to admit that these last two weeks have not been good at all.  In fact August 2014 you have not been kind to me, and I am more than tired of this nonsense.  Two weeks ago today I was sicker than sick, I couldn't get out of bed.  That same day facebook was unkind to me...

My grandma had forgot to mention one thing to me, and when everyone on facebook started talking about Hospice coming in for my Aunt, I went into panic mode!  From What I had been told she was okay, this was not the case.  About a week later she passed away.  Death affects many of us differently.. Some people get angry, some blame, others are very sad, some people so nothing when faced with death.

Where do I fall?  Well, to be honest I am not sure.  This one makes me overly emotional.  I am also regretful, I don't think that I ever spent enough time for her.  My mind also plays the number game.. I hate this game.  If you know anything about me I am a number person.  I am horrible at math, so that is not what I mean by numbers.  What I mean is..

I have a thing for 3.. 3rd person in alphabetical order in my high school class, graduated in 2003, and then 2006, and then 2009 (all related to 3), I usually surround myself with 3 friends that I care a great deal for..I think that you get it.  

The number game is not kind to me.  Similarities in my Aunt and My great grandma are not a good thing.  This is where I will leave that, because I will get stuck on it.

After my Aunt died, my grandma got sick AGAIN.  We have been battling this for a long time now.  And now she is back in the Hospital.  This is not a fun thing.  I don't think that any of this is a fun thing.  I ask that if you are into praying that you pray for her, at least so that she doesn't worry.

Finally...  My car took it's final run on the 19th.  After a long day of work, I dropped of my client and ran smack into a deer.  I was hoping beyond hope that the insurance company would choose to fix her.  I didn't want to get rid of my dear Bubbles just yet.  But I guess the deer was a little too rough, cause the next day I got a call that she was totalled.  I was fine, I wasn't going that fast.  But there is a really big dent in her and she is going to be sold for parts :(.  I cried, I didn't want to say goodbye.  But goodbye's were said.  Bubbles has been almost everywhere, and almost all of my friends have ridden in her.  I didn't need a co-signer for the loan that I got to buy her, mom signed any way.  I was a responsible 19 year old.  I know that it sounds crazy, she was just a car.  But Bubbles was my car, and we had a great run!  RIP Bubbles 2005-2014.

Monday, August 11, 2014

For real this time...I am going to change the name of my blog

Now that I have your attention, (just kidding, I wasn't looking for it) I think that I am going to change the name of my blog.  I think that I am going to gear this blog towards...

You guessed it...

Are you sure that you want to know...

Yeah it's going to be one of those blogs...


Yes my crazy life.  I am not sure how graphic this will go.  I did just look up ovulation and thought about posting what I found.  I also wanted to post the pictures, maybe I will it is my blog.

I have been running on little sleep... I cannot go to sleep.  Between not feeling well, feeling bummed, feeling like I shouldn't share things with the world, and over all worry for my job and things of that nature I can't sleep.  I have also been thinking about why I ever thought that it was a good thing to let the cat out of the bag about babies.  I feel like everyone is going to ask me now.  I still don't know if I am okay with that.

Let me talk about something that is a little less dry...

Doesn't it just blow your mind that people can say one day, "I'm going to have a baby!" And then it seems like days later and they are expecting?  Please tell me how that magic happens, I am puzzled.  (My mom reads this blog, Hi Mom, but I am going to be honest for a little bit.)  My mom always said the first time I had sex that I would get pregnant, and I believed her wholeheartedly, until I got married and tried it and it didn't happen.  No, I don't think that I was being lied to.  Yes, I still believe what my mom tells me (most of the time :D).  But, for the love of Pete what is this magic thing you are doing???

I am also perplexed at the fact that crazy teenagers can make babies so easily (you knew I was going to go there don't be shocked)!  Come on, they just want to be naughty or think they are in love.  Then they wake up 40 weeks later (10 months do the math), and there is a little person that they thought wouldn't happen.  Yeah, you thought that you were being slick didn't you????Jokes on you!!!

Okay I have to be funny sometimes.  This is hard.  It is hard to write down what you really feel and allow all the world to know.  I am honestly doing this because I need people to talk to that have been there.  I need to hear from some of you have just tried and tried and never sought medical help.  I also need to hear from those of you that have been to the doctor, that have found out that you need more that mother nature.  I want to hear all of it.  I need this support.  I have a very loving hubberz that is very supportive, and family that is the same.  But my hubberz has not been in this place before, and most of my family has not either.  Truth is this is a hard journey.  I am not always going to be strong.  I am not always going to be nice.  I am always going to be honest.  I am going to try not to provide so many details that I no longer have a private life.  But I am going to try and figure this out, whatever this is and whatever it takes.  So I hope that you are on this ride with me, and I hope that you are willing to help me along the way! 

Saturday, August 9, 2014

I may regret this a great deal...

Writing has always been a way for me to feel better, just to have something down, even if I never looked at it made me feel good.  I am not a very good blogger, I run out of ideas, or I really just want to be mean and not care who reads it (I end up not writing those); cooking was a way to write and feel good and not offend anyone....  Then I got stuck.  Sure I still cook, I still try out recipes, but I just didn't care.  I didn't want to tell you about them, I didn't care to get publish.  My actual life became something that I just didn't want to blog about.  I did have to time to sit down and write, I also had time so sit and cook.  I just didn't want to do either.  I would rather call for take out, or cook and not blog.  Enough excuses?

I lost a friend that was near and dear to my heart.  It was slow and then all at once.  I thought that we were able to survive, we tried a couple of times.  Then I made one more plea, and that was it.  Nothing.  Coming to terms with that has been hard.  Realizing that you could have done a lot to prevent it has been even harder.  It changes your entire world, it rocks your core.  Having a best friend is not a title, and when they are done with you, you know it.  I considered this person my sister, someone to go to with everything. 
 I am more guarded now.  I with every new person I meet, I just think about when they are not there and if I want to let them into my life.  Usually I don't, I am working on it.  I don't want to be friend-less.  I just don't want to go from talking to someone every day to nothing.  So for now that guard is up, and it will take a while to be down.

Now on to what I really didn't want to write....the reason I was off of facebook and may go again..
Like magic my facebook blew up with people being pregnant.  Hubby and I were so very hopeful that we would join everyone.  That our babies would have babies to grow up with, a close group of friends to enjoy, because we would all go through the journey together.... and then time passed.  It was easier to not have facebook on my phone, not go on the computer to check it.  It is not that I am not happy for all of you, I really am.  But I am not in that club.  I thought that I was okay with it.. turns out I am really not.  I couldn't stand to get on the computer and see.  I also began to get mad.. why on earth is it so hard for me?  Why can't I do this?  I always thought that I would be a mom right now.  Not just to kids that bark...  It has been a really hard journey.  

For a long time when people would ask me when we were going to have kids, I would hold my breath and forget they would ask me.  When I wasn't around them I would cry, I would also hope that the next time I would see them they wouldn't ask or I could tell them different.  I was mean, I just wanted to not be asked about kids.  Why couldn't anyone understand this?  Why do people also think that it is so funny to ask?  I am not sure where they come up with it is funny.  I have also wanted to punch people in the face for this question and or inflict pain on them.  To me, that was funny.  (I know mean, but it helped).  
I am now in a place where I joke back.  So if you ask me I don't want to punch you in the face.  I still don't think that it is funny, but I will give you a smart ass answer, I also might tell you something that will stop you in your tracks.  I am unsure what will come out of my mouth.  I can't really control it.  You might get offended.  That might make me feel better.

One last thing... I have asked God (or whoever up there I am talking to, trusting, and putting my faith into) why some people are parents and hubby and I are not.  (This is where I am going to get offensive, if you are reading this from facebook and you think it applies to you, you may do some things; 1. Delete me no questions asked ((Bye)), 2. Ask me if it is about you, I'm into being honest so I will tell you. 3. Not give a shit and we are still friends. 4. Block me. 5. Don't read my shit!)  Some of you are horrible parents, or at least what you put on facebook.  Do we really need to know some of these things?  Hubby has told me many times, if I post pics of my kids naked for all the world to see he is going to delete my facebook himself (he has the password, we are like that).  We have long conversations about people complaining about their kids (at least you have them).  And for the love of all man kind... are you really asking facebook what you should do about your kid leaving things around the house for your dog to eat?  I have said parenthood might be harder than I am reading into..I mean I just have dogs.  But, in my own defense I went to school and majored in Education...which requires you to take some human development classes and some child psychology classes.  You also spend countless hours with kids.  I also now have a job with kids, spent most of my life watching other peoples kids...I think that I know something.  If you are on facebook complaining about your kids or better yet asking dumb questions; get your ass off of facebook and look after your kid.  I am not sorry if I offended you, I am not sorry that you feel this is can do what I said before.  I am done sugar coating things and being nice to people.  I have done it for too long.  

So now that it is all out there...I wonder how my friends list is going to affected?  (Not really worried about it, just curious.)