Thursday, December 31, 2015

On the Eve of 2016

Partly because I haven't written in a while, and partly because the end of the year is a time for reflection.  I decided that now would be a good time to sit and write a blog.  

This year has been a learning experience for sure.  I don't know if I can break it down, so I will give tidbits of life.  I learned that being in child care and being a teacher is hard when you are struggling to have a child yourself.  You see kids that are treated really good and others that are treated horrible and you go home feeling really bad about it all.  People with infertility are the biggest judges when it comes to people with children.  Honestly, we can't help it.  Because we are always asking someone (God, spouses, or just about anyone who will listen,) "Why not me."  I found out that child care and being a teacher, were not for me.  I don't think that I will go back to it.  I love kids but I want my own.  I got tired of taking care of everyone else's.  Thus, in December of 2014 I left what I thought was my dream job, to go after a job in child care, that left me broke, and questioning my judgement daily.  I was quickly looking to either move up or move out.  I got the opportunity to move out, in April of 2015.  I have honestly not looked back.  I love banking.  I want to get my MBA.  I'd love to be a bank manager.  This is what I am pursuing.  

If you don't speak up for yourself, no one will.  This is a fact.  You have to do it.  It sucks, its uncomfortable.  But, you have to do it.  I have been down a road with that doctor's office, and I finally had enough.  I got advice from friends a family and I went to another place.  I have not looked back.  I found a great doctor that was willing to listen to me, and to explain things to me.  That was willing to hear me out and listen to me.  And now I am on the right path and I couldn't be happier.  

Sometimes people will not listen to you.  You can tell them something time and time again.  You can say the same thing over and over.  But they will not listen.  You are doomed.  These people will test you.  Way more than you really want them to.  You will get so frustrated with them.  Love them any way.  Just remember that they entire thing of it is, is that they are not listening to what you are saying, they are just thinking of the next thing to say.  

And now for an update....

I am sitting here writing this, while a box full of medicine is sitting on my bathroom sink.  All I could do was stare at it.  I have to keep telling myself that I can do this.  What I thought was 3 shots a day, thank the lord above, turned into one shot a day.  My hubby is enjoying the fact that he will get to stab me daily.  And I am more excited about how real it could be that I could be pregnant.  That the end goal is there.  It's so close.  

Our one and only choice for a baby of our own, while there is nothing major wrong with me, is IVF.  However, we are not the traditional IVF, we are IVF with ICSI.  They are going to take my eggs out or my body, and take one sperm, and inject the egg with it.  There are no chances for embryos not to develop.  Which brings to the hardest thing that I am having with this entire thing...  Freezing our embryos for another baby.  There is nothing that you can say that is going to make me think different of them.  You can try, I don't really want to hear it.  I have to figure this one out on my own.  My embryos are going to be frozen, waiting for me to decide when the time is right for another one.  What if something happens to them?  There are just so many things that are running through my head, and I am having a really hard time with them all.  I am really trying to stay positive.  For the most part I am very positive.  My boxer has been really bad, because I think that she can feel that something is amiss with me.  But there isn't too much that is amiss with me, other than having to get over that.  So Sunday night when you are all getting ready to return to work on Monday, say a little prayer for me as the hubby jabs me for the very first time.  And then say it again for the next few weeks.  Actually just the entire month of January keep me in your thoughts.  Happy New Year.  Love and Blessings for a happy and safe New Year!!

Friday, December 11, 2015

Following Down the Rabbit Hole

It's a funny thing.. following blindly in a direction that you want to go it.  I don't think that I have been so nervous in my life.  This was not an easy decision.  But the first step is a must...  I know I am talking in circles.

Life is hard.  It is not all wrapped up in this nice little book, that has a beginning, middle, and end, and you read from cover to cover and you know that it is all over.  No guessing.  In a book you can skip a head.  You can read the end first.  Life... is nothing like that.  However, in life you are guaranteed some things.  You will live... for a second, a year.. 100.  You will live that is life.  You will have comfort and the things that you need to grow.  Some way somehow you will have them.  Family, in whatever shape or form that takes you will have one, don't take them for granted.  Love... you will meet one person that "rocks your socks," don't let them leave you.  You will need them, no matter what.  But, in that LIFE happens.  Sometimes you have to stop and look at it.  Sometimes you have to be in the moment.  This week, I have hit my moment.

On December 10th, we traveled back down to UVA.  If you know my hubby he hates that place.  I can feel him tense up the moment you see the sign that says welcome to Albemarle County.   However Charlottesville is a place that I can safely navigate.  If you know me, you know that I can get lost in a paper bag.  One of my comforts is knowing that I won't be lost.  And if I have to go there on my own I can get there and get back home.  It's something that makes me crazy.  I don't want that.  Anyways...  as always we get there early.. an hour to be exact.  They were running behind when we got there... what's new?  

Meeting with Dr. Williams wasn't bad, his intern was there too, she isn't as humble and she isn't very talkative at all.  He is a really nice guy.  Very thoughtful, very direct, very informative.  After answering lots of questions, Dr. Williams got right down to business.  Because of the odds that we have, we don't qualify for IUI... intrauterine insemination.  Which the cheapest option.  The next thing is IVF... also know as in vitro fertilization, some call this test tube babies.  They are not grown in tubes, the embryos are grown in dishes.  Just to fill you in.  

So while I was happy that there was something that could be done for us, because my biggest worry was there was NOTHING.  I was a little bit stunned that this was it.  I was too wrapped up in the information that was coming at me from Dr. Williams to worry about anything else.  The next information, other than telling us pricing was that he wanted to do another internal synogram.  (OH JOY, um not!!!) And more bloodwork.  (Ugg I'm so tired of being a pin cushion, I think even my body was tired of it because my blood clotted way quicker than it has before.)  And then after all that we are whisked down to talk finances and pricing options.  Honestly I couldn't think while I was there.  

The thinking happened last night and today.  The what if's hit me like a ton of bricks.  The I might not be strong enough to do this, crept in like a nasty old friend.  The oh gosh why me came.  Sometimes those things creep in and I can't stop them.  No matter how hard I try.  So yesterday when I was asked each step of the way if I had any questions and I said no, now I am sitting hear typing this with a head full of questions.  I want to know what is happening at all times.  The control that I want, I cannot have.  This Rabbit Hole that I am going down is really hard for me.  Because there are so many what ifs.  

I know that this is a long one, and I haven't wrote in a long time.  Some of these thoughts are going in circles.  I am sure that I am going to drive myself crazy more than I will drive you crazy.  I'm just trying to make it all make since.  Someone make it make since.