Sunday, May 29, 2016

My thoughts are jumbled

When I sit down to write I have about 1 million thoughts going through my mind.  I have never really considered myself as a good writer.  But, when I do write it makes me feel better.  It is as if my thoughts or worries are leaving my head, when my fingers release the button on the keyboard (or for us old school people writing diaries, the words on the paper where euphoric!!)  

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The above image is how my thoughts are stored on any given day.  The worry is great.  But I have decided in order to not sound like a babbling idiot every time I sit to write a blog, or some crazy mad person, that I am going to carry a journal around and write some thoughts down, so that I can collect my thoughts before I collect my thoughts.  How I came up with this wonderfully great idea, is that I called the RE the other day and I had to write down all my questions before I could talk to the lady.  I'm just not very good at thinking on the fly.  I also realized that I am not very good at getting my point across.  I'm not sure if it is my delivery or that people really don't understand me.  Whatever it is, it annoys the crap out of me.   

I find myself repeating over and over again what I say.  I also have to explain, and explain and explain again.  I know that sometimes I come across offensive, angry, or just plan moody.  But, the thing is, you have never been in this journey, you have not had to figure it out on your own.  A lot of the time my thoughts are angry.  Because, I am always wondering why me??  What on earth did I do to get here.  And a lot of my thoughts are doubtful.  

Have you ever been somewhere, where you don't know anyone (I'm talking no one) and you don't know where you are or where you are going?  Like you just drove or walked somewhere and you didn't take a G.P.S. or phone so you aren't sure how you are going to get back??  This is much of the I.V.F journey.  You don't know how you got here.  You don't know that moment that you have arrived.  There isn't much on it.  There is no one to lead the way, other than a Dr.  And you have to like and trust them because there is no one else to do so.  I was in a state of daily panic.  Luckily without the panic attacks.  I wanted to sleep, and sleep a lot.  When I would get to work I would already be tired because I had been up since 5 that morning to get to my appointment and then I was up till 10 or so that night.  Mind you having to work in the middle of the day.  Having conversations with people was the worst.  Have you ever had a conversation with someone that goes in circles and you aren't sure when it is going to end?  You think that if you just stop talking that they will do the same thing, and then they ask another question?  This was my daily life during my I.V.F cycle.  I only had the comfort of my cat.  And you know have to know that I am a dog person, so when my grandma demanded that my pups stay with her and my pappy during my bed rest, you have to know that there wasn't much comfort there.  (Side note: Oliver is a sweet heating pad loving cat, and we really bonded during my bed rest time.  To the point where I really love him and I don't want anything to happen to him, much like my dogs.  He is now and okay comfort, because I know during the next cycle my grandma will not allow my dogs to stay with me.  So, Ollie and I will share the heating pad yet again.  And he doesn't really like to share it.)

Family and Friends are generally kind about the I.V.F process.  I know that they mean well with their questions, and their "Have you tried this..??"  But, I always have to explain that there is much to try.  When you have a couple that has male fertility issues and they are unexplained there isn't much to do.  But, when you love this person with all your heart and soul and you couldn't imagine your live without them, you don't think about anything else.  You put your body through things that you didn't think that you could do (tons of needles and internal sonograms).  You connect with people that are going through the same thing, and even though they are strangers because you have never met them, you couldn't imagine talking to someone else.  And you hold on to the real friendships that you have made with people that have had the similar problem that you do.   In the words of Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy; "They are your person."  They get you.  Hands up hands down.  They also offer to give you shot in your bum and don't blink about it or make some kind of joke about it.  They also offer to give you a shot in your belly and don't make a big deal about it when you ask them with a panic looked on your face, because your hubs did a great job, and you know how it felt when he did it.  And you are panicked when you know that someone else might have to do it for him, and you can't give it to yourself.  You also try to look past some of the questions that people continue to ask you about, or that they don't understand, even though you want to scream at the top of you lungs, "Why can't you just understand??"  

I know this is long, and I really didn't have my thoughts together when I started, but it just kind of took off so I went with it.  I think that I have finally come to terms with myself and not being pregnant the first go around.  I really did blame myself.  I couldn't figure it out, and the RE was not offering much, other than my body did not respond to the medication the way that it was supposed to.  So in hearing that I decided to look around and find some groups that I could become a part of.  The most common things that these ladies did was stop eating gluten and dairy, and their cycles were successful.  And while these benefits will be good on my body, this is not the purpose.  The purpose is for my eggs to grow, and my embryos to attach to my body and grow a baby.  And I know that I have a lot to give up.  But I have to do it.  Yeah, I'd love to sit in my pjs and eat tacos all day because they are my favorite thing, but I cannot do that.  Just like after my cycle I couldn't sit in my pjs and never go back to work.  But I could turn my phone off and not talk to anyone.  

I'd also love to be able to sit on a beach this entire process and not work or talk or anything.  Just sit there and watch the waves go in and out, and birds sing, and the fish swim and maybe my dog just play the entire time.  But I can't do that.  I have to work, and function and be a normal human, when I feel like my body is not going through anything normal.  I am also worried that when it talked to the RE nurse that what she told me about fewer appointments is not true.  I don't have any embryos or eggs that are stored.  I have to get there.  So I am worried that she didn't get that point and then I will have to go daily.  What I want more than anything out of this 2nd cycle, is a baby, and stored embryos.  We have NONE from last time.  And I know that I struggle with the fact that my little babies are stored in a freezer until I am ready for them, but I am also sad that I don't have any at this point in time.  I lost them all.  I have a photo, and that's it.  And yes it is hard for me to be around pregnant woman.  I try my best to be good about it.  I also try my best to not go bat shit crazy on someone who isn't decent to their child.  It is a fine like that I really struggle with.  Yes, I could go bat shit crazy at any given time.  I just try really really hard not to.  I have also come to the point where I have no grey area.  And when you live with my hubs that is hard.  Cause he is full of grey area.  You ask him if you can go somewhere and he will say "I didn't say no,"  No but you didn't say "Yes" either.  So then he says yes, but it is like pulling teeth.  So, I need no grey and no grey hairs.  And I will end it here, before I show you how bat shit crazy I can really be.  Love and Baby Dust.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

No Gluten No Dairy, What will I eat?

I have heard many woman say that they have had higher success rates, by taking both gluten and dairy out of their diets while going threw the IVF process.  So, I started looking around at both things.  I can't handle the non dairy.  I really don't like milk, I could go without cheese, yogurt isn't that big of a deal.  I gave up caffeine the last time, and red meat, so that isn't a big deal either.  But, gluten seems to be the hard one.  If I give up all the rest and gluten and count in the fact that I am a picky pants, there isn't much for me to eat.  

Lots of Meat, fruit and veggies.  You would be so surprised at how many things don't have dairy but have gluten.  Or don't have gluten but have a insane amount of carbs, and you know that the more carbs that you eat the higher you are at risk of high blood sugar.  Did you also know that on a gluten free diet you can have lots of wine, but not any beer?  Not that that matters to me, but I do think that it is pretty funny.  

So I am thinking about trying this shake that a friend of mine introduced to me.  It is a shake in the morning and a shake in the evening and then you would eat something in the middle of the day.  They are non dairy and non gluten.  So I think that might be the best thing for me to follow.  I will miss so much food.  I will be okay.  

I'm also writing this because my diet has not been good.  I have lost 8 lbs and then that is it.  I added some exercise but it is just not going good.  So I am going to try something new in the hopes that I will get some more of this off.

So starting June 1st this will be my life.  Wish me luck! 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Making it through Mother's day

Mother's day came and went, and I made it without a melt down.  I'm pretty proud of that fact.  In life there are so many things to be thankful for.  One, could write profound things on that.  As, I'm not a profound writer just someone going through a lot, with lots of thoughts going on, I'm not one to do that.  


I am still shocked at the amount of people that have reached out to me.  I will not publicly name any of you.  That is your story and your journey and if you don't want to share that is okay.  It makes me just as sad for you ladies as it does for me.  Trust me when I tell you have been there, and I'll be there for you.  I promise, in whatever form you want that to be I will be there for you!!  

Did you know that 1 in 8 couples struggle with fertility.  It is more that you think.  And just because you are successful once doesn't mean that you will just be able to get pregnant with your 2nd child.  

My thoughts today are really random.  Yesterday, I got to work at another branch instead of my own and it felt really good.  I actually go to talk to people other than clients that I deal with daily. I had someone reach out to me at work.  But, this time she let me know that she was successful.  That it will happen.  That it will happen to me.  It felt so good to know that more people are pulling for you.  

Baby birds are hard to come by.  (Don't think I am saying that I am old.)  Approaching 31 years of age is a struggle.  IVF makes you a high risk pregnancy, 35 and over adds on to the risk.  The things that scare me about pregnancy no longer do.  But, being a risk even before you become pregnant scares me.  I try not to dwell on it.  

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

I mad about everything

I am mad about EVERYTHING... and nothing is helping.

I am just in spot where everything is setting me off.  But, I am trying to be quiet about it and not blow up.  

I am a goal oriented person.  I set a goal, and I really try to achieve it.  I have to say, (and it is going to sound crazy), I loved working at Walmart, because I could do all different jobs and I never had to leave.  I am a very loyal employee.  But, if I cannot move and grow.  I will find somewhere else that I can go and do that.  Yes, everyone starts from the base level, but some are very happy there.  I am not that person.  If you wanna teach me I want to learn.  I will also use my job as a stepping stone to something else.  When I was in counseling, I wanted to use that job to get back into teaching.  I was so excited to be in the classroom, until that job seemed to fizzle.  

I am also quiet about my goals.  When I first start working somewhere, I am not going to tell you what my plans are.  I'm the new person, and I don't want to come in sounding cocky if I am not the best fit for the job.  Should, I be that person maybe so, but I am not.  

I realize that I made a mistake at work.  I actually don't know what I did.  It is one of the first, and it is pretty big and I am in trouble.  This will keep me from moving up for a year, this also keeps me from moving to a different branch should a position become available.  I don't know what to do.  This is not ideal.  I am trying to be quiet and just do my job.  Be kind to the clients and work hard.  I am not trying to cause a stir.  I just want to work hard... 

Making a baby has been the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do in my life.  In this process I have gotten over so many fears.  I have made friends and lost them.  I have pissed people off and made them happy.  I have stirred said pot in so many ways.  I have bonded with strangers because they share the same journey.  

I don't wish this journey on any one.  
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Not even people that I truly hate.  This is hard.  Everyone thinks that they have some sort of answer.  And really there are none.  

Truth: we lost our embryos.  There were no reserve they took 6 and only 2 where good.  Those 2 little ones (our baby birds) where all our hopes and dreams and $10,000 plus, almost losing a job and waiting and hoping that they would make it.  They didn't.  The doctors said that there was no know reason for it.  That my body is not the one they were worried about.  We didn't think that we would need more than one cycle.  

Truth: we have to have another one.  It scares the shit out of me.  Is this one going to work.  Are all the shots and "surgeries" going to have the same result.  It's so expensive.  And my job not allowing me to grow is not helping with the costs.

People talk about not being able to afford things.  They talk about working hard and never getting a head.  Well think about when you wanted to have kids.  Were you able to just get pregnant?  That wasn't an added cost that you had to encounter.  I wish that I just had 50k sitting around ready for me to use.  Maybe I should set up a go fund me.  

All of this makes me very angry.  I should just be able to do what normal people do.  I should be able to just get pregnant.  Mother's day will be hard.  October will be harder.  I'm trying to keep my mind off of all these things.  Reality is a world that we live in.  Someone just buy me another Boxer and just make it all better.

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