Disclaimer** I am not divorcing Hubby, it is just a song that got me thinking yet again. Carry on and read this blog.**
A song got me thinking again, and before I let you into my thoughts, I will let you read the song. Well, maybe I'll try and add the video. (That could take forever!!!)
Okay there it is, have a listen. And here are the thoughts... I hope you are ready!
Dear Future Baby,
We have wished for you more than you have wished for us. Thank you so much for picking us. You have 3 older siblings, that bark and will really love you. Especially the Boxer, she might be a little overwhelming to your tiny self right now, but she will grow on you in time. You have amazing grandparents who are going to spoil you like crazy. For some time you are going to be the only grandchild on both sides. Please take it all in for as long as you can. No matter if you are a boy or a girl we want you. Your dad cannot wait to play video games with you (boy or girl), I cannot wait to play barbies or baseball with you. We can't wait to find out what you have in store for us. How we will change, watching you grow will be the best thing ever. Please know that you will hold our hearts forever, in fact as I am sitting here writing this you already do, and you haven't been created. Our journey to you has been a really long and not so easy one. We are not even at the end of it yet, because there is no you. One day when you are older you will hear all about it, or maybe not. It might be best if you don't hear it. (Don't worry your dad doesn't take part in it either, I just tell him that I am going to go blog, and he doesn't ask too much.) We want you more than anything. We know that life with you will not always be easy, but life without you has not been so great, so whatever happens with you we are looking forward to. We are excited to see your face, to learn every inch of it. We can't wait to hear the first time you speak, or the first step that you take. We can't wait to see you chase the fur-kids around the house, don't pull Jake's tail; he is a grumpy old man and only lets your dad pull his tail. Your first day of school is going to kill us inside, but I am sure that you will love it (if you are anything like your mom) and we will follow your bus to school, just to make sure it gets there. There are people out there, kids even, that will be unkind to you. Please know that you can always talk to us. I don't even want to think about you becoming a teenager. Don't grow too fast. You will probably be taller than me, and that's okay. When you are a teenager I dream about what your interests and hobbies will be. I wonder if you will be like your dad and very quiet or you will be like me and loud. Don't worry if you are one or the other, or a mixture of the two, you will be perfect to us no matter what. Middle school sucks, but it is over quick and then the fun of high school begins. Your dad and I met in high school. I guess you could say that we are highschool sweethearts, but we didn't start dating until 3 years after we met. It took a lot of convincing for you dad to date me, I really hope that you have an easier time. There is a lot of love for you here little baby, and we haven't met. There are a lot of hopes and dreams, and a LOT of wishing for you. You never have to worry that we don't want you. (I hope that those words NEVER come out of your mouth, but if they do we still love you and will hopefully meet you with understanding as to why you said that.) Your dad and I love to go to the beach, and we can't wait to take you there. We also really like to travel and try new things, and we hope that you enjoy coming along with us. We will never understand why you choose us, but we are forever grateful that you did. Please enjoy your naps while you can get them, don't worry your dad will wanna sleep the day away with you if he can. I hope that wherever you are right now that you will choose us soon. We are waiting for you, and we want you more than anything.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
I am thankful for you who ever you are, that is reading this and praying and rallying around me. I also want to say Happy Valentine's day! However, I have lost hope. I see how easy it is for most people, and the fact that we have worked so hard on this, just makes it even worse. I can handle the fact that this is the plan, that this won't happen. But, it is so hard to admit.
It is funny how the keys on my keyboard and my fingers are better at expressing my thoughts and feelings than I am. It's like I can talk, and there is no one there to say something back, or to come up with this grand suggestion on how it will all work out. Or something to try or take or this or that. My thoughts are all jumbled, this might not make any sense, oh well it's my blog and you are still reading it I guess.
I'm not going to say "we" because the Hubby is not taking anything, so he doesn't get to get included in that aspect. I finished my last round that the OBGYN will allow of progesterone, without further testing. And honestly, I don't know that I am willing to submit to any further testing at the moment. I think that it is the Hubby's turn. It should be his turn. I mean are they going to send us to a fertility specialist that we can't pay for? Are they going to do the testing? Why am I on a time line? Why did I sign up for this?
The end result will be good. If we ever get to the end. But, excuse me while I sit over here and be upset over the fact that it is so easy for some and not for me. Pardon me while, I judge someone in not so secret. I get it this won't be the hardest part, but actually it is. This is the hardest part of it all, sure labor is probably hard and difficult, but this sucks. This really really sucks. Times infinity it sucks. I am so tired of having to take tests to see when I am ovulating. I am so tired of trying. I just want to go back to normal. I don't know if Hubby and I will ever know what normal means. Okay, that is enough. Have a good Valentine's day. Send some love to someone who needs it!