Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Take 3

Image result for the scientist by coldplay

I want to first begin by saying that I NEVER knew that I liked Coldplay until I couldn't get this song out of my head.  Please don't quiz me on Coldplay songs or try to get me to sing them, because I probably don't know the words.

I have waited a long time to look back into IVF/ Fertility treatments, since stopping things in December and not being pregnant yet again, I wanted to be done with it all, and I wanted to push it all out of my mind as far as I could get it.  You could say that I have been living somewhat of a "normal" life since December.  To be honest I don't remember what normal life was like.  I got to watch Hockey like a crazy fan, I got to pretend that we were just a normal couple who decided to wait to have kids.  It was bliss.  It was all a lie.  But, that is okay... it is the one lie that I enjoyed for a little while.

I am not sure if I have said this, but I am getting more proud of myself.  I keep meeting new people and not telling them about IVF.  It used to come out like word vomit.  So now that I it doesn't, and I can control it a little bit better I am really relieved about it.  (So..I use the phrase "Word Vomit" a lot.. I realized that you might not know where this is from.  Please watch the move "Mean Girls" then you will know :)  Trust me, it is really funny.  And at that time it was pretty accurate on how clicks were.)

I think that I have been trying to pretend that I don't need IVF or fertility treatments.  As we all know this is not the case.  I went and talked (one time, cause I didn't like her) the a counselor.  She made a few good points, but she wanted to coach me and not counsel me.  The one point that she made was that she felt like I was trying to convince the world, of what I cannot convince myself.  Science is just that, and we have come a long why with it.  But, there is still so much further to go.  A lot of Doctors will NEVER look at the male side of infertility.  Trust me this is not just a female thing.  But, that is a fight that I cannot take on my own, I need to stick with what I can do.  

So let me go back to the beginning...
The Hubs will now be referred to as Mischa (if you watch the American's you will know where this is from, if you are not watching the American's you don't know what you are missing), I know what this is close to his real name, but I am not super creative here.  
In December after begging and pleading I finally got UVA to send us to a specialist.  Stephanie, one of the nurses that I like, said that we hope to see you soon, and I explained that Mischa was getting a new job, and that we had to go where the insurance told us.  She really thought that we were coming back, but what she didn't know is that I had no desire to EVER set foot inside that office again.  I began to hate it.  I felt like the had no interest in getting us pregnant, and all they wanted was money.  I remember looking around the office one day, on the day that I was running late and so were they... several woman were sitting in the office.  I tried really hard not to look around a judge, however it was harder than I thought.  I kind of got good at reading these peoples faces even though many of them I had not seen before.  I could tell which one was there for the first time, just by how hopeful she look.  I could tell from the shoe that this other lady was wearing that she was going to get pregnant with in the first or second go round.  Her shoes were super expensive, she had a key ring with a Lexus key on it, she was carrying a coach bag (it was not knock off), and lastly her hair and nails were done super nice and on trend.  I wanted to punch her.  I knew that she had lots of money and could do this process as many times as she wanted to.  And then I wanted to punch the office in the face.  I'm good at being angry.  I knew that if I had to wait any longer then I would probably become a ragging bull in a China shop.  Luckily as soon as I finished my thought, I was called back.
I am really thankful for the new job that Mischa got and the insurance that it provides.  I am also glad that I like getting a 2nd opinion, and not just because they say what I want to hear.  Because most of the time, it is better.  This time was better.

Mischa and I were super nervous when we went to Shady Grove.  For different reasons, he was worried about the cost.  I was worried about what they were going to tell me.  I knew that our new insurance provided some type of coverage for fertility, what I was worried about was that I felt like we had tried everything.  I thought that we were going to be turned down.  I was very unprepared for this meeting.  Mainly because I thought that we would be turned away.  But, this doctor was hopeful.  Her first sentence after introductions was remain hopeful, she said I know that is hard, but remain hopeful.  She said that more times than I could count.  We went through general questions, in fact many more that UVA... some of them I couldn't answer, because I just didn't know.  But, she said that her nurse would take care of what I didn't know.  Holy crap, you mean I don't have to do this all by myself?  We still don't qualify for IUI, and that is okay.  I can deal with that.  But, we can still do IVF.  We told her that we couldn't sign anything until we knew costs.  Our insurance is really picky also, so everything has to be done when they say.  But, lucky for us, this time... it will only cost us $375.  The finance lady and the receptionist were so stunned.  The Receptionist asked Mischa  what he did for a living ( I can' tell you all, sorry).  He told her, and she was like damn, never leave, he said he didn't plan on it.  We were gasping as we left the office.  We couldn't believe that it was true.  We are still in shock.  I think that we are coming to terms now.  

So, we will be going through take 3 some time in the near future.  New office, new doctor new meds... oh and they put you on prenatal vitamins that they recommend.  And I had to sign this waver that I was taking care of myself with breast self exams and ob/gyn care.  UVA never had me do any of that.  They didn't even care what vitamins that I was taking.  I feel like I am getting care, not just trying to have a baby.

So, now with renewed hope, I wish you love and baby dust!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Little Moments

Well, I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now what she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't' even act like I was mad
Yeah, I live for little moments like that
-Brad Paisley

Image result for How do you spell love

There are very few times where I am not thinking about when my baby will come.  The reminder is sometimes almost more than I can take.  Yesterday was a time where there were moments where I forgot and then there were moments that I was reminded.

Yesterday, Hubs and I went to one of our favorite places, Busch Gardens.  We have been taking friends with us, because it is more fun with more people, and we enjoy company.  When I was thinking about having fun, when I was tasting the food, I wasn't thinking about not being pregnant.  But, when I got on one of the rides, I was reminded that I had tried so very hard for a year. You see there are some things that are reminders of a year of trying.  Not being able to hold my bladder is one of them.  

I really do enjoy the moments when I am forgetting.  Not that I can totally forget about it, I just like when I don't have to remember.  I did really really well this last month.  I met a few new people and I didn't tell them about the IVF journey.  I just talked, one did ask me about having kids, and instead of it coming out like work vomit I just took a deep breath and I said, "Not Yet."  Which makes me pretty proud.  It is hard sometimes not to just say it.

Another little moment is my hair. My hair is growing back and not falling out.  This I noticed big time yesterday.  One reason is because I took a straightener to my hair.  The other I could put it up in a bun, and nothing came out.  I know that people lose their hair for many reason's, but it was the 2nd worse thing to happen other than not being pregnant.  Many may have not noticed that my hair was getting thinner, and I am okay with that.  But, I have happy to say that my hair is better again.

It's really funny how different moments sneak by you.  How time "Stands Still for no man.."  I could spend so many of those moments thinking about what I don't have.  But, I try hard to focus on what I do.  I also try to focus on things that need to be changed.  I am working hard on that.

"I live for little moments.. Like that."

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Support



This journey can get lonely.  Even if I have taken a break from all the treatments.  Until I get pregnant, I am still in this, unless I leave it all together.  I think that people don't always know how to support those going through this, and while this might not be the way for everyone, this is a suggestion.

Listen:  Even if the person is not talking; listen to what they have to say and what they don't have to say.  Sometimes this is may take a little bit of detective work, but pay attention.  Don't think of what you are going to say next, sometimes you need to not talk about you.  Just listen.

Be there:  There is nothing more than someone needs going through this than someone to be there.  And don't just say that you will be there, make an effort to be there.

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Stress:  It's pretty high.  We need a lot of things to destress us.  Sometimes we don't get to do anything that will actually help with this, because everything makes us feel stressed.  Find things that we like to do and do it with us.  We will feel better.

Sometimes I forget, okay not sometimes, ALL the time I forget what other people have gone through on their journey to their babies.  It is not because I just want to think about what is going on with me, or that I want it all to be about me.  It is because I think about so much and I forget what others have gone through.

Talking with the Hubs (which I really want to change his nickname.. that's another day) and he sees things way different from me.  I don't know if it is because I am so caught up in things, or because I just think that I see it the way I see it.  But, I only see one side of it.  And that could really be bad.

I have been keeping track of how long it has been since I have had my last shot.  In case you too are not keeping track it has been 6 months.  I didn't mean to leave it this long, but here we are, and it was about this time last year that we decided that we were going to start cycles again at the end of June after our vacation.  It is crazy to think that a lot can change in 6 months, and a lot can not.  It is also funny that when you are at different doctor's office they will ask you if you are pregnant.  In fact at the dentists office today I got asked 3 times if I was pregnant; once on paper, once by the hygienist, and lastly by the dentist.  I almost said that I would 100% tell you if I was because I would be so excited that I couldn't keep that secret from anyone.  I just brushed it aside.

I didn't want to write a blog today that would be sad.  This one was supposed to be more about making you think.  However, it seems that all I write about is being sad.  I really wish not to be sad.  I really wish that I find the peace.  I promise to stop writing blogs so late at night, because I feel like they are starting to not make sense.

I leave you with this...

Love's own tender flames warm this meeting And love's tender song you sing But fly away little pretty bird And pretty you'll always sing

Crooked Still- Pretty Bird

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mother's Day

Warning:  This blog is not about any ONE person.  This is just how I feel going into Mother's Day.

Tomorrow is the hardest day of the year, for me.  It is a reminder of what I do not have.  And boy was I reminded.  I often get people who tell me "Happy Mother's Day," and I really go on about my day, I'll say thank you and move on.  But, this year was hard.  There were many times when people would completely leave me out of the round of good wishes they were giving to others.  I get it, I don't physically have a child.  So, if you were looking that way then you would not care to wish me Happy Mother's day.  But, if you know me then you would at least try a well wish.  And I got nothing.

I am very thankful for what I do have on Mother's Day, my 4 fur babies are my happy place.  I have my mom, mother-in-law, both my grandma's and hubby's grandmas.  That is a lot of ladies to be thankful for.  And I am thankful for all of them.  I don't want anyone to ever think that I am not happy for that.  But, I am also sad, that I am not a mommy to a 2-legged puppy.  I don't get the hand made things from daycare or school.  Those are things that I miss, that I yearn for.

I have recently been told that I shut people out or I shut down when I can't make people understand me.  I thought long and hard about this.  And I think that the reason that I do that is because I try to make people understand me, and when I feel that they aren't listening to me then, I lose the effort to make the effort.  I wasn't always good at this.  In fact, I think that this is something new that I have learned.  I wouldn't call it a defense tactic.  I'd call it a learned behavior.

I also learned that I need validation, and sometimes for pretty basic stuff.  I need to know the why, because I always think that there is a why, and if i don't know that why, then I lose my freaking mind.  It is funny to know what your body is communicating when you are not even talking.  Or when you are not talking about what you think you are.  I think that this is a way of being in control.  When you have no control over a situation like this, over being pregnant and not being pregnant, you have to find a way to get in control.  It's part of my "Plan B," which I always seem to have.  But, right now there is no "Plan B."  So, I don't really know what the hell I'm doing.

The funny thing about asking for help, is when people don't think that you need help.  So, they offer you something different.  And when people don't think that you need them, they don't offer you any help at all.  I feel like I am crying out for help, and I am communicating that I need it, but I guess it goes back to the shutting down, and I can't seem to make it real.  Or make it something that people understand.  

One last thing that I learned, and I really didn't know this one AT ALL.  I have to feel justified in my career.  I didn't know that I was speaking this.  I thought that I was content.  I didn't know that I wasn't verbalizing this, or that I was verbalizing my discontent with it.  When you talk about the entire make up of a person, you have to factor in things like a job, and a home and a family.  But, when I spoke and I talked about things that I loved, my voice must have changed.  I didn't really say anything negative.  I didn't really say anything.  I just said that I worked there.  But, somehow I said that I didn't feel justified.  So, now I don't know what to do.  How do you change this, when you feel like you don't have a great skill set?  How, do you change this when you didn't know that you needed this change?

Okay, I lied... this is the last thing.  Tell every female that you see "Happy Mother's Day."  Leave it to them to correct you.  You don't know what they are going through, and you just might brighten their day.  We can all stand to be a little nicer.  

Friday, May 5, 2017

Week is OVER

I have not been more excited to have a week come to an end.  I want no re-do's thank you!  I am pretty sure that I have cried every day this week, except for today.  So I just want a weekend of fun, without having to think which emotion I need to be displaying.  I'll figure it out during the week.

I want to say thank you to anyone and everyone that have said that they are here for me.  It really means a lot to me.  I still haven't decided if I feel completely defeated yet, but all the love has helped me feel a little less.  However, this week I have never felt so much like glass in my life.  

Anyways:

Many of you know that we have cut out cable, we use instead Play Station view and many various forms of streaming.  When we first started using this, I was addicted to Bob's Burgers on Hulu.  I think that I watched an entire season in day.  I am not very good at watching TV like that, I wanna change the channel and watch something different, but I just couldn't change.  But, there are commercials during Hulu, and there is one where I could really shoot my TV.  The Clear Blue easy commercial... you know that one, the pretty music comes on, and the first thing the girl says is "Pregnant"  ... some one save me.

The first few times I saw it I cried.  Big, crazy sobbing tears.  Thank God, that Hubs was not home.  My Boxer came to my rescue instead.  I have to tell you that she is AMAZING with this.  But, sometimes I really get going and I freak her out.  I know that most people don't care about this commercial, some people I'm sure really like it.  But, I HATE IT.

It is funny how one thing can make you crazy, and this one really does.  Lots of things make me go crazy.  I have triggers, I never thought I would.  

I have taken the plunge to look into talking with a counselor, which honestly wasn't as easy as I thought that it would be.  I am okay, with people knowing that I am going.  You won't know when, just that I am.  I think that it will make me feel better about a lot of things.  There are things that I can't process, and I'm trying hard to help myself, but I think that I have hit a road block, and I need a little push.

I have stopped blaming myself for a lot of things, but then I place blame on a lot of other things.  If I have to take ownership on things that I have done, then I need others to do the same thing.  Who knows what this counselor will have me do.  I know that when I was working with kids, I had them doing all kinds of crazy things.  I just hope that it helps.

Sometimes I don't know that reasoning behind things that people do, and then I make up this crazy story about why they did what they did.  I also try to find a reason why I am hurt, and sometimes I believe in this fantasy that I have created.  Hubs and I have kind of swapped roles a little bit, he believes that there are so much good in others.  I think that it is all horse crap.  I think that people lie to you and hurt you and they don't think about what happens to you.  Also that people are selfish.  That is a big one.  

I have a lot of anger in me right now.  Lots.  I probably spent a good hour or more yesterday yelling at air in my house.  Then I flicked it off, and called it some more names.  My cat thought that I was crazy, I don't think that he has ever heard me be that loud.  After doing so I did not pray.  I didn't do anything.  I just kind of sat on the couch and thought "well, I don't feel any better and I am still pretty mad."  I also thought about throat punching different people.  That is my new go to.  Honestly I would probably not do it.  But, I would love to see it in action to see what it does.  Like, does someone choke?  Would it make me feel better?  After all of this I had to get ready for work.  Then I went to the movies with Hubs and his friends.  When I got home I was pretty tired and thought, okay I'm gonna sleep now.  NOT!  My dreams were pretty haunting.  I didn't even dream of punching people.  

Sometimes I am scared that those dreams are really going to come true.  The dreams that I have been having are not nice.  It is like my entire body is angry right now.  Even though I can control it.  Even my sub-conscious is pretty mad.  My teeth have started hurting, so I am sure that I am clenching my teeth at night, when I do get some sleep.  

Lastly... I don't know that I have said this, but.  When someone is struggling with Infertility I think that worst thing that you can say to that person is, "You can't do that because you feel that way."  I have heard it a few times.  The thing is I can't control a lot of things.  But, I can control what I do or how I react to a feeling.  So when someone makes a comment like that, I feel like shutting down.  I don't know that everyone going through that feels that way, but it is how I feel.  Please don't use it.  Allow the person to act however the way; because then they feel some short of control.  You are taking away the control with one sentence, that can send someone into a tail spin.  Don't be responsible for that.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

May the 4th be with you

I have had a ton of blogs that I have been working on, yet none of them seem to be the right one at the right time.  So I have been writing them down, so that I don't forget the idea instead of blogging them, mainly so that I don't forget.  

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like you were a stranger, or all alone?  Well it seems that I can do that now.  I also used to wonder how Hubs could slip out of rooms so fast and unnoticed, seems that I have learned this trick from him.  Also I really am not sure who reads these, I'm always surprised at when someone says something that I have wrote about or posted, then I know that they are listening.  

Last night was the end of my mom's group, and as I have said before I still feel like a fraud there because all my babies are in Heaven.  But, I feel a bond with these ladies, so I try to still keep going.  I also am trying to find ways to settle myself, so I have been trying to go to Church, and attend an actual service.  I haven't made it that far yet.  
As I was sitting there, for one of the first times I have felt alone.  How can someone sit beside you and they not converse with you?  There were about 3 times were I didn't feel like I was going to float away.  Once when I was asked what we would like to study next year, 2nd when someone asked me if I was okay, and I answer "No"... and then the best...

I learned that there is an IVF/Infertility support group at church.  Sign me up.  Maybe I won't be so lost?  Maybe I will find a friend that understands me and won't just leave me.  Maybe I will just learn to be and not be so angry and upset all the time.  Maybe just maybe.

There are times when I think that I need to get off this journey, when I just need to stop and say "I will not have my baby." Which is super hard and brings instant tears in my eyes and pain in my heart.  I really don't remember what life was like before IVF.  Before all the trying, before limiting diets, before hair loss, and skin issues, before tears.  Just Before.

6 years ago I believed that the hardest thing I was going to have to get through was the year of our wedding.  No even the first year of being married, just the preparation the struggle of all that.  I thought that once that was over, that the rest would come easy.  And yet here we are again, with another damn struggle! IVF is one of these things that there is no end in sight.  Unless you stop going for the treatments, and even then that is not an end.

My thoughts are jumbled today because they are just that way.  I am at this place in my life where nothing makes any sense.  I'm really not in a positive place.  The thing is if you stay in this place then I will just be there.  I will be stuck. No one wants to talk to me, their lives are still going on, and I am just here.  

I am going to leave this here, I am going to say that I am trying to find the norm.  I know that people no longer what to hear my story they are tired of it.  I know that there are people that are no longer here for me, I understand.  But, I have had a few people reach out to me.  I am thankful.  I know that I am alone, but I hope that I am changing some peoples minds.  

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

My Wish

My Wish

Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Basically put one foot in front of the other and keep on going.  It's easy for me to say, it's hard for me to do.  I'd be lying to you if I said that I don't still wish that I will wake up one day pregnant without any medical intervention.  There is still a small part of my heart that thinks this will happen, every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up.  This is a lie, and I have to learn this VERY hard truth.  I'm not sure if I am able to process this truth.  

Some day's I feel like I waited to long for any of this.  I waited too long to try and get pregnant and I waited to long to start the IVF process.  When you are coming up on your 32rd birthday (and let me stop you right there if you are going to tell me I am young... because if you know there is more to this than age.. and as you get closer to 35 there are more things to this process that add to it) you start to think that this was not what God intended for you to do with your life.  But, then you look at it in another way and you see that past high school, you took your time in everything in your life.  So, why should this be any different.

I have seen some posts lately about suicide and depression.  I can say that I have really down days, however I have not thought about either one of these.  And if I am slightly depressed then that is just what it is.  Although I have for some time thought about talking to a therapist.  I haven't made it there yet. (I also don't what to say that this is not a real thing, suicide is real.  However, that is not apart of my journey and I want to make sure that everyone knows that this is not something that is there in my life.)  Even though I haven't been able to make my baby (or birds or puppies as we like to call our embabies on any given day) and I am sad about it, I am trying to get to the point to where I am pushing on.

I don't feel defeated yet.  I'm still looking for the window on all the closed doors.  I think what is frustrating me the most right now is there are no answers as to why IVF did not work.  Nothing.  I haven't want to call the Doctors such awful names since then that I can't even think of anyone down there that I like other than 3 nurses.  (Which is funny if you really know me, because all they really do is fill my meds and take my blood, and I HATE needles... or do I>?!?!?)  One morning when I was driving down there my new favorite song came on the radio.. "The Ground Up" by Dan and Shay.  Holy flood gates...  When Dr. Smith who is my favorite Doctor down there asked me how my day was going, I cried again.  She asked what was wrong and I said, I really don't know, I have been crying since my song came on the radio and I can't stop.  But, I need to stop because after this I have to go to work.  She looked at my chart and said all the follies look good, so don't worry.  I stopped crying... Dr. Smith retrieved my eggs on the 25th of July and then I didn't see her again... she went out on maternity leave. I saw her the most during my 2nd round and I didn't even get to talk to her when it was all over.  I had to talk to the Doctor that I didn't even see, I hadn't seen him since January.  That was when I was over that clinic, that is when I didn't want to do it anymore.  But, Dr. Williams convinced us to use our last frozen Embaby.  I wish beyond anything, that I didn't listen to him.  Why couldn't I save it and have the hubs go to his appointment?  I could go on about how mad I am.  I could go on about how I feel cheated, but there are couples out there that I have it worse than me.  And even though there is no reason that they could give us that could still be good because maybe it is all about luck.

2017 is the year of the baby.  So many babies being born, and so many having babies.  Sometimes I think that it would be good to just be done with facebook.  Because I could live in unknown bliss.  But, then really I should just lock myself in my home and stay glued to my couch because there are more people than those that post on facebook.  I really don't know how to handle it.  I am so happy, but at the same time so sad.  I am just waiting for my turn.  

One more thing before I go.. my dreams.  Oh my goodness I wish that it would stop.  A while ago, before hubs and I got married I used to have this dream of a curly headed baby with big blue eyes (no gender just looks).  Those dreams stopped after we got married and I dreamed of baby girls for a long time.  Except they were faceless baby girls, with great names by the way but in my dreams I would look down and my baby would have no face.  I would wake up in sweats.  When we started trying my dreams were all over the place.  I had dreams of babies, I had dreams of my children, I had dreams of bad things like miscarriage and just all kinds of things.  They still come, but not as bad.  Now I have dreams of baby boys.  Which is weird because I never thought that I would be a boy mom.  I don't want anyone to take offense of this.  It is just that I always thought that we would have girls for some reason.  They haven't gotten more intense when Hubs and I decided on a boy name.  Which is even more funny... When we got our first cat as a married couple who was a boy (that we lost :(  ) it took us weeks to name him.  He just walked around the house till we named him Sirius.  After getting him we got our boxer.  Poor Miss Abby went almost a month without a name.  We had a new name a week for her.  Then I said let's call her Gabby, and Hubs heard Abby and it stuck.  We are so indecisive on names, I'm not even sure that we will be able to stick with the names that we like.  So, back to my dream... my son is named.  I call him by name.  He looks like he should have the name that we decided.  I need this dream to stop.  Because I wake up from it every time.  Sometimes I just startle awake and sometimes I jump almost out of my bed.  It is like I am trying to hold on to the very last 2nd of my dream, I know that waking up is going to bring me back.  And I don't want to.  Which brings me to my 2nd favorite quote:

Image result for dream quote dumbledore

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Friendship and Infertility Do NOT

Go Hand and hand.  I haven't written about this before.  The truth is, it is a lot harder pill to swallow than me not being pregnant.  Sometimes you are really alone in this journey (not counting your spouse).  You think that you found a friend that listens to you, that cares about you.  Then suddenly you can't voice what is wrong with you, you think at a person knows you well enough, and they stop talking to you.  

Image result for Find out who your friends are


Image result for Find out who your friends are


I know that I am a lot.  I have never denied that and never will.  But, I literally mean it when I say that I married my best friend.  I know there are people that just say that, but I mean it.  He is the only person that I know other than family that can deal with me, all of me all the time.  He tells me all the time that I need more friends, and I am trying, but he doesn't know how much of a handful I can be, because he is used to me.  

I am probably the loudest person that you know.  But, sometimes I don't want to talk and sometimes I am dying to hear something other than my problems.  Not the drama, I have enough of that for everyone.  There is a point to this, and I need to get there.  

I don't have the kindest heart when it comes to friends.  I should have a long time ago told one of my friends that the Hubs and I were trying to have kids, because she didn't know it at the time she could not figure out what was wrong with me.  And she tried everything.  But, then I was unkind and everything got washed away.  Unkind because she had kids and I didn't.  Unkind cause I didn't know that there was nothing medically wrong with me as to why we couldn't conceive and I kept blaming myself for why the odds were stacked against us.

Once something is broken there is no fixing it.  You can try to mend it and put things back to the way they were, but it is not fixed.  So, I'm down this road again.  Sometimes I feel like I should just stop putting myself out there.  If, maybe I could just manage to keep things to myself, and keep to myself then maybe I could stay off this road.  But, we are human and one basic human things is to bond with people and so we keep doing it.  We keep trying to bond.  We keep trying to learn and grow and make it right again.  But, we keep messing it up.  Life is messy.  Sometimes I'd like to be a part of a movie, where it is all wrapped up nicely at the end but it isn't the end of a life it is just the end of that part of the story.  But, that is just it.  We are not caught in a movie, we are caught in life.  And then end of it is death, until you might with the maker.  (Or Life according with Albus Dumbledore, is Death is but the next great journey.)  I'm not trying to be all depressing and talk about Death, I don't want anyone to think that I am trying to take me life or something, because I am 100% not.  I am just saying that the end of the movie (life) is death.  

So until I figure out what I am doing in my friendship I will just journey and wait and keep trying to find out what I am doing with this crazy time!

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Dear Baby Stine Part...

Waring:  This may make you cry or mad, or just about anything.  I am really sorry for that.  It is just me thinking.  Also I am not sure how many letters I have written to Baby Stine, I don't go back and read my old posts, if I do it is just titles.  I have stopped keeping track, please forgive me.

Baby Stine,

I am sorry that I have written in a while.  My thoughts are currently jumbled and sometimes it is just hard to think of what to say.  Your Dad and I are still waiting for you.  Whenever you are ready, we are too.  Your Dad got a really great job, and I am going to be going back to school.  Everything is lining up, we are just waiting for you.  For a long time your Dad and I had no name for you if you were to be a boy.  However, we now have THE perfect name for you if you are a boy.  We aren't sharing with any, and if your Dad does he is in MAJOR trouble.  I dream of what you will look like if you are a boy.  I dream that you will have green/brown eyes like me, but other than that you will look much like your Dad.  Oh and curly hair, but I am really not sure where that comes from.  I think that you will have blond hair for a little while, but when you get older it will become darker.  I also think that by the time you are 10 you will be taller than me.  It's okay, I'll still beat your ass.  It is weird to dream about you, and you aren't here yet.  For a long time it freaked me out.  I have since gotten used to it.  But, I haven't thought that you would be a boy for a long time.  Many people don't believe that you are out there waiting for us, but I strongly believe that you are.  You are waiting for the right time.  However, I really wish the right time was now.  We have taken a break from IVF.  My body really needed it.  I got this weird skin condition and my hair was falling out.  I need to get in line again.  Your Dad and I also started a Paleo diet, which we are getting back on again.  Hopefully this all works.  Hopefully this is what you are waiting for.

I am still not sure if I am going to share the letters that I write to you with you.  I know that IF I do share them with you, I am going to wait until your much older.  I haven't figured out how I am going to tell you that you came to be.  I still think that you will just come to be.  That no medical intervention will be needed.  I'm not sure if that is me being a fool or what.  Only time will tell for that.  I sometimes think that if I do share these letters with you, that it will scar you for life.  And maybe just maybe I need you to not have that hanging over you.  

Sometimes when I talk the process with people they really listen to me.  And sometimes I feel like I am sharing my story for nothing.  I have had some really high highs and some really low lows.  Nothing seems to be in between.  I hope that one day I will get the in between.  

I think that I have really gotten off subject here.  Soon I hope to meet you.  Soon I hope to connect with you.  We want so badly for you to be our baby.  We are holding on to hope.  

Love,  Mom and Dad! 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

I promised myself...

Happy Birthday to My Hubs!!  

So, I rarely make a promise to myself because I tend to not keep them.  But, I did try to make a really big deal and I had kept it until yesterday!  I had just made a promise that when I met new people I wouldn't instantly tell them about my IVF problems.  I kept it when we got a new staff member at our branch.  I know that this doesn't seem like it is a super big deal.  But, when your introductions has gone as follows, you get tired of it after a while, and just want to keep with simple ones...  "Hi, I'm Crystal, I married, have four fur babies, have been trying for 5 years to have a baby, and just went through a year of IVF."  I think that is a little much.

And yesterday that was about how it went. I worked at another branch.  One of the girls asked me if I liked being a teller, I said that majority of the time yes.  She asked how many hours a week I got, and I said that I was a 30 hour a week teller, but that when I worked at my old store I got 40 hours because we were always short staffed.  She asked me why I had left... and like word vomit I said, because I have been trying to have a baby and I needed less hours.  (Damn it)  Then I had to explain why, and that was an entire conversation.  

I am not ashamed of my experience.  I don't think that I should hide it, I don't really hide it.  But, I do want to feel like a normal person sometimes.  I want to feel like I have no trouble having babies and that I am just waiting.  But, that also brings up another topic.  Why do we ask about people having children, why is this a normal thing?  I am guilty of asking it, but I really try not to.  

It is kind of like the normal flow of a conversation, "Are you married, do you have kids?"  But, I got one yesterday that I wasn't really expecting, one of the ladies asked if I had my baby.  I had to say no, she was really sad for me.  Then, she said one day you will.  I find it funny that people that barely know me, have more faith in this process than I do.  And blind faith at that.  

I guess that I shouldn't be as skeptical about it.  But, I almost cannot help myself.  As each month passes I feel like I am no where near to getting my baby.  I feel like another round of IVF will end the same.  I feel like it will not work, and then what state will my body and mind be in?  I try daily to not believe in this, I try to just think positive.  But, sometimes all the positive I have disappears and I just want to say, forget it, I'm done and over it.  But, I keep trying.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

The Real Me.

Image result for hiding behind a mask tumblr

I want to first say that I am on a blog role, I hope to keep this up.  I think it is because I really have a lot going on, and the only way to really get past it is to blog.  Either way, I like it.

I often talk about the "Real Me," not saying that there is a "Fake me."  More like there is a side of me that I do not show.  She comes out often, but I keep her at bay.  Mainly because I am sure that there are a handful of people that actually like the real me, and I am sometimes a people pleaser, and the real me doesn't please too many. 

The real me is loud.  I am talking really loud.  She is not shy, she is not quiet in a room.  She stands out.  (Like when I wear orange, and everyone looks at me funny.)  She loves to laugh.  In fact talking used to get her in trouble, and sometimes still does.  I have toned her down, because always talking does not please anyone.  And because she can talk over people... a lot.  

The real me is really friendly.  (Okay "fake me" is that way too.)  I really like people, not all people but most.  But, the real me isn't so good at being a friend.  

The real me is bossy.  Really, really, times forever bossy.  I was great at being a manger.  I could boss your pants off.  I also knew how to get things done.  But, I didn't really like being the boss of grownups.  So, I stopped being the boss.

Speaking of grownups, the real me doesn't like to be around grownups all day.  In fact, I hate it.  Because grownups have all sorts of opinions, and they are pretty set in their ways.  They are also really good at arguing, about nothing.  I hate it.

Real me is way over opinionated.  That in itself is enough right there.

Real me likes piercings and tattoos (real me has no tattoos.)  If I had it my way I would still have my nose ring, and I would have more piercings than I have right now.  I would probably have a tattoo too.  It is on my bucket list.  One day it will happen, I don't care who doesn't like it.

Real me wants babies.  Okay you knew this.. so moving on.

Real me wants to work with kids.  One of my very first memories is playing school with my great grandma.  I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a teacher.  So, it came to a shock to me when I wasn't.  It came to an even greater shock when I completely changed it and wanted to be a guidance counselor.  This is something that I pray about a lot.

Speaking of praying...  I do that a lot.  But, I am not sure how my beliefs are.  I do believe that there is some kind of being.  But, I'm not sure about God's word.  And I am not sure how I believe.

Real me is random.. Random thoughts, Random mind.

Real me loves dogs.  Like really loves dogs.  If I could I would own a farm, and I would have a lot of dogs.  And I would rescue them and find them loving homes, and I would keep some of them.  I wish that I could fund this.

If there was ever a zombie break out, real me would probably be the first one gone, unless I could find somewhere to hide.  Not because I can't fight, but because I would be scared of them.  If I could survive by hiding, then I could make it, if not, nice knowing you.

There are so many other things.  But, I have to keep her at bay.  For now love and baby dust. 

Monday, March 6, 2017

achievement Unlocked

Warning: While I love that you like to read what I have to say, this blog contains subject matter that you may not wanna know.  Reader discretion is advised. 


Image result for resting bitch face

Well you know there is that...

I have not mastered that.  I think that I tell myself 1000 times a day.. "Relax your eyebrows."  But, I just cannot not make faces all day.  People say that I always smile, I don't really think that is the case.  You should see me at work when I am trying to type...

Anyways...

I have moved on in my stage of sadness.  And am just mainly pretty disgruntle and angry.  I used to cry when I got my period... like spend 10 minutes in the bathroom with a quick cry and then a quick try to fix my face.  Now when AF (aunt flo, for those who don't know) comes I just get mad.  Really, I shouldn't be getting mad any more.  It isn't like this time around should be any different.  It isn't like something magically has changed... but i really think that being mad is better than spending a long time in the bathroom being sad.  

Firstly, I hate AF because that means that I am not pregnant.  All the hope in the last 28 days that something changed and I will be pregnant changes in a matter of minutes.  Secondly, my periods have NEVER been right.  And yes I have been tested for PCOS (polytheistic ovarian syndrome, for those who may not have been paying attention), I don't have it.  In the words of Dr. Bell (who I LOVE and adore and I really can't think some of my friends more for) "That is the quickest the dye has ever gone in and our of anyone, you are clear."  There was one time where I could time them... that was when my old Dr. put me on Clomid, for a few cycles.  Then my periods stayed normal for about a year or 2 after that, UNTIL I had IVF.  The number of periods you go through during that time sucks.  I was up to 2 a month.  (This probably has something to do with my hair falling out, but my lovely IVF doctors who I DON'T like right now, don't think so.)  And, now I am back to this funky funky cycle, where I have some spotting for a day, and then nothing for 2 days and then... well ya know.  Thirdly, What woman needs a reason to hate AF??  Surly you all understand what I am saying.  

So anyways, I have been a grump all day.  I have not said anything mean to any clients but I have called them assholes and bitches when they are not there.  I dropped almost everything that I touched today, and made several not so nice noises and such under my breath, and sometimes out loud.  I made faces when people were getting on my nerves, I'm not sure if they were resting "bitch" face or if there were something else.  But, I can barely get out of bed when I know that is time for AF (trust me when I say this... I didn't get out of bed today until the last possible minute, I could have laid there all day and I did try to close my eyes and go back to sleep).  Sometimes I think that if I can just stay in bed, then I can keep AF at bay for a little bit longer and I can be pregnant.  (It hasn't worked, I'm still not pregnant.)  

I really don't talk about my IVF experience or how I am feeling about it much outside of my blog.  Sure, Hubs and I talk about it some, but since I have given it up to God I don't really talk about it.  I don't speak about it at work, and sometimes not with friends.  If they ask I will, but sometimes I feel like I am a ticking time bomb, and I just don't wanna explode.  Other times I feel like it is ALL that I talk about and people are tired of hearing it from me.  Either way, I'm not sure.  But, right now I am really feeling angry.  I spent so much money, my AF changed AGAIN, I developed this skin thing, and my hair is falling out.  I'm angry at all of this, I'm angry that there is a price tag on a family.  I am angry at people who can just get pregnant.  I am angry at people who aren't good to there kids.  I'm PISSED.  I think that I liked it a whole lot better when I was just sad.  When I just cried.  I'm not saying that I don't cry about it, if you were in my house yesterday morning as I was reading my bible study you would have seen me cry.  But, it was so much easier to be sad about it, then it is to be mad about it.  

(The last of my thoughts for today.)  Thanks to Instagram I was reminded of my first Embabies the other day.  I had not thought of them for a while.  But, as I was scrolling though looking at other people's post I found myself stopped on one person's who said how old her baby was, and it just so happens that my babies would have been the same age.  They would have been 5 months old this month.  I just remember how much hope we had in them.  I remember signing the papers at the IVF office for the first time and thinking that we would have a baby after the first try.  I thought that it would be so easy.  I think of who those babies would have been.  What they would look like, what they would be into.  I really torture myself with this.  I'm not sure why I do with these and not the others.  I'm not sure if it is because I have not hit their due date yet, or what.  I just think about the first 2.  I pray that I will make it out of this angry funk.  I'm not sure how long I can be so nice.  So, for now I leave you with much love and baby dust.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Finding Random Quotes

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
Psalm 56:3

There are not very many things that make me stop in my tracks. I wouldn't say that I was shocked, I was just motionless.  At work we have to go through each other's work to check for accuracy.  I was going along, and there on a check was the above verse.  I stopped, like dead stop.  Someone was telling me something.  I am sure that I have seen this check before, and more than likely have not paid any attention to it.  Today, was not the case.

I have been doing a LOT of praying.  I changed the way that I pray.  I used to ask a lot of go, a lot of questions, and lots of requests that I wanted instant gratification for.  Now, I have been asking for him to help me through it.  Help me weather the storm, show me how.  I think that this is my message.

You see I am afraid.  I am afraid that I will never be a mom.  2017 is the year of the baby, it seems like everyone is pregnant, everyone but me.  You look anywhere and someone is pregnant.  I want it to be me too.  I want to join.  My fear is that I won't.  I have been trusting.  I told God that I was giving it up to him, that if I was not supposed to me a mom (even though I fear it) that I would trust in him that he would bless me in other ways, and that I would be happy with that.

So when the above quote came, when I had given in to my fear and let it all go, that I just stood there puzzled.  I had not seen that verse before.  I am not a Bible study type of person.  (If you have read a previous post you know that sometimes I just don't understand them, so that is why I just don't read the Bible.)  

Somewhere before, someone had said that God does not give you what you want when you want it, he gives you what he wants when you don't expect it; you have to wait.  Waiting I am not good for. I am waiting for my miracle to happen.  

I also gave into my fear of failing and I applied for my master's program.  I am really nervous about this.  This is one of those things, that if I fail I am done. There is no keeping going.  I have to keep a good GPA or I'm out.  Not sure how I am going to do this and work too.  But, I prayed and I said that I have to learn to do this.  I need to eventually get back into a school and be with kids.  That is my passion and that is what I have to do.  

So that I all of what I am doing.  I am trusting.  I am praying and I am going to try to work hard at all of this.  So for now... much love and baby dust.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

I have a lot to say

I don't often have a ton to say about different things.  I like to keep things simple, I talk about fertility/infertility, IVF, babies, and at times really random things about some different things to come to mind.  Sometimes, I guess I do have a lot to say.  Many things are hard to say, I don't pretend that anything is easy.  Sometimes what comes to mind is like this: you are on a diet, but you really want a cheeseburger, you can imagine everything that is on that damn burger, and your mouth even waters over it.  But, you can't have it.  You can't cheat on your diet, you have to stay the course.  That is how my thoughts are today.  I have to stay the course.  

I don't really want to.  I am angry and I just want to say my peace.  I am over this situation and I don't want it to happen any more.  So, instead of what I truly mean to say, I'll just go with some facts and statistics.

Alcohol is the most commonly used addictive substance in the United States:17.6 million people, or one in every 12 adults, suffer from alcohol abuse or dependence along with several million more who engage in risky, binge drinking patterns that could lead to alcohol problems.


al·co·hol·ism
ˈalkəhôˌlizəm/
noun
noun: alcoholism
  1. an addiction to the consumption of alcoholic liquor or the mental illness and compulsive behavior resulting from alcohol dependency.

These two facts are pretty staggering.  17.6 million people is a lot.  And I'm sure that there are many more that are undocumented.

When I first began dating my Hubs (it is weird to say that I was dating my hubs, like he was my hubs before my hubs), I used to hate the fact that he would have a beer here and there.  You see much of my life I was told that alcohol was really bad. My grandma was and alcoholic and she used to be really mean, I am told this story a lot; she is old now but it still haunts her.  Anyways, I used to get on him all the time, telling him that he didn't need to do it.  He tried for a long time to change my mind.  

Hubs changed my mind around my 20th birthday, maybe a little before that.  Plus I had a friend that was old enough to drink legally and she was a ton of fun to be around.  We would have get-to-gethers with friends, where we would collect keys, and then hang out until 2 or 3 in the morning.  Being that young was fun.  

When I went off to college at 21, that changed.  I stopped doing that.  I would rather be someone's driver or the sober one at the party.  I won't say that I never drank, but it lost its funess, and I didn't see the need to do it all the time.  Also around this time I found out that my grandma had been lying for sometime and even though she was in pretty poor health she had been smoking, or never really stopped.  I spent I think the first month away at college not talking to her.  I would call my grandparents house and ONLY talk to my Pappy.  I was so angry with her.  She was doing this to herself and I really didn't understand.  

I know realize that she traded on addiction for another.  My grandma really never got help for whatever made her drink that heavy in the past, so she traded drinking for cigarettes.  Her health has gotten pretty bad sense then.  

I'd like to sit here and tell you that I don't really have any addictions, but considering that is what I come from, I am pretty sure that I do.  It could be something simple, or something complex I really don't know.  I don't feel like I have it, but I'm sure that I do.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  

I think that addiction is a part of many peoples lives.  If you watch "Intervention" on T.V. than you know that it does.  But, you really don't need to watch that show to know.  I go to church and I hear about it all the time.  It's at work too.  

Anyways, I guess that I did have a lot to say.  So here it is.  There is my lot to say.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Smile

"Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile"  -Nat King Cole

Yesterday was church night.  I am usually very focused on the lesson.  Last night was not the case (and now I'm not sure if I can focus on this blog).  I have reached a point, which I think was a long time coming, where I think that this will not work out.  All of the optimism has been sucked out of me and I cannot muster up any.  Hubs keeps telling me that we have come so far, but I don't feel like we have even moved forward.  My heart is breaking.  And because of it, I cannot focus on anything more than 5 minutes.

On Sunday I had a panic attack (don't freak out here, people have them it is not a bad thing) I was in the bath room changing my clothes, walked to my closet to pick out my clothes and fell on the floor bawling.  There was only my dogs to my rescue.  I sat there for a good 30 minutes.  I couldn't stop.  I had to talk myself out of it.  Tell myself to get up, keep moving.  I tell myself that a lot.  Sometimes I have to tell myself that to get out of bed, keep moving keep going.  Sometimes it works, and sometimes I spend the entire in my jammies on my couch.  

Back to church.  I honestly have no idea much of what was said.  I cannot focus.  What I was focused on was my anger.  Because, if I focus on how mad I am then I can pretty much get through things.  I won't cry, and for a little bit I can either be quiet or I can act normal, even though I don't know what normal is these days.  I focus on how I can't believe that things are happening like this.  I try to put the blame on me, apically if I'm in church, I don't want to blame it on God.  Sometimes, I act out after I'm angry.  That is when I'm most ashamed of myself.  I am trying my level best to be an adult.  And it just doesn't work out.  Damnit.  

I'm thinking about going to a counselor.  I have been toying with the idea for while, I never really liked it.  But, I don't know that I will get better with it if I don't.  I don't know if I will be able to do life if I don't.  I don't know if I'll feel better if I do.  I just wish that I could figure it out.  

I also keep having these horrible dreams.  I pretty much cannot sleep after I wake up from one.  My sleep is really important to me, so when I have nights like those, I really should just learn to get up and do something else other than lay there and toss and turn.

I know that a lot of people don't want to ask me about my IVF, it is a loaded question, and trust me I really don't want to answer, but I think that everyone is wondering.  I don't think that I have an answer that isn't a tail spin.  The simple thing is, it didn't work.  The other answer is no one knows why.  How I feel about it?  I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I don't understand.  When you just want to be a mom you have to try and figure stuff out, and you have to figure this out... without help!!!  Enough.  Smile, even though your heart is breaking....


Sunday, February 5, 2017

I hate pants



I really hate wearing pants.  I pretty much always have.  If there not blue jeans or something like the above picture, I really don't want to put them on.  I'll wear leggings too, even though I really do feel too old to walk around in leggings, but I do it (I cover my bum and lady parts, I'm not walking out of the house with all that hanging out).  I'd rather wear a dress or skirt (really a maxi skit, if I had 50 of them, I'd be set).  But alas, I don't wear skirts or dresses ever day (I do in summer.. I hate shorts, but that is for a different day).  So you would be surprised at the fact that I actually need pants.  Yet, I'm in no mood or hurry to find any.  

At my job we have pretty strict dress code.  We are one of the only banks that is still pretty traditional.  (No body jewelry, had to give up my nose ring :(, no excessive piercings, I'm walking a fine line, because I believe that I should be able to do what I want with my ears, no visible tattoos, I don't have any so I'm good with that.)  But, I think that this is ridicules, because the bank that is not even 1 mile from us has a lax dress code, and there business casual is better than ours.  I just can't get behind it.  

I ask my boss a little bit ago if I could wear a pair of leggings under one of my skirts, because it was cold outside.  To, which if I did, I would be a violation of dress code.   I still don't know how this is possible, and on days like that I wish that I could just be a mermaid, even if I was a weird creepy one like the ones at the bottom of basilisk lake in Harry Potter.  (PS if my boss is reading this, I'm not upset with you, I know that you are just doing what you are supposed to and adhering to the dress code.)  But, it's cold and I can't cover my legs, I'm not going to wear leggings and shirt, I'm going to put my skirt on and then warm my legs.  I just don't get it.  

And yes in case you are wondering, it is on the dress code as unacceptable clothing.  I think it is crazy.  So, I am in this place where I need pants, the pairs that I have have snags in them, and they are getting worn. I have had them for 2 years and wear them a lot.  They have held out which is great, but they are slowly becoming unacceptable to wear to work.  I don't want to buy pants, I'd rather buy skirts and dresses and call it a day.  Which is pretty much what I keep doing every time I buy clothes, which means, I still don't have pants.

I feel like maybe I should just walk into work dress like I want one day, and see what happens.  But, then if I'm not in dress code they could send me home to change, which means more dirty clothes so that can't happen.  I'd also like to come to work in the above pants and not be sent home, but I am pretty sure that I would be sent home for those too.  So, I will just go out and buy pants and wear what I am supposed to wear.  Until, the one day when they finally change the dress code, that or replace us with robots.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Love with out restriction

"Let love be without dissimulation.  Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good."  Romans 12:9

Image result for Curious boxers

(Disclaimer that is not my baby, but still just as cute.)

Sometimes when I read the bible I am much like the above photo.  I'm not sure what is going on. I am hopeful that in time it will hit me like a load of bricks and I will get it.  But, that is not the case.  

So, let me try with the first half of that verse from Romans: "Love without dissimulation."  I think that means to love with out reservation.  Let me first say, that is not me AT ALL.  Along time ago in this place that I like to call high school, that was me.  Then my heart got broken a couple of times and I stopped all of that.  I have struggled to get back to that.  I struggle a lot.  But, I am not shy about trying to point out my flaws and trying to understand what they are.

I am trying hard to be the good in which I want to see.  However, a lot of people think that I am mad when sometimes I either need a break or I need some time to myself.  I don't often ask for time to myself.  In fact, I really don't like to be by myself.  But, with all the infertility struggles that I have had, I have learned that sometimes I need to just do it.  I have to take a time out, it doesn't mean that I am mad or that I don't love or like you.  I just need some time.  

"Abhor that which is evil:" here I am lost.  So, if you google the word "abhor" it means: regard with disgust and hatred. I could go a lot of places with that.  I should hate evil.  I should be disgusted by evil.  I am not.  I let evil dwell in the depths of my heart and fester like a boil.  I don't let it go.  I also don't forgive.  Which, I was watching something the other day, and it hit me like bricks... the person said "forgiving is not letting go with what someone has done, forgiving is having peace with yourself."  Well, there you have it.  I have no peace with myself.  I cannot find that peace part of it.

I have been on what I call and IVF break.  I am not at peace with it, I am keeping it all in.  So much to the point where I cannot talk about it.  I went to the dermatologist yesterday.  Did you know that your skin issues could be your bodies way of processing stress?  I didn't know this until yesterday.  My body doesn't show stress, when I am stressed I just don't let it go (okay sometimes I do have a crying panic fit, where I can't stop crying, however I haven't had any of those in a while...I should probably allow myself to have one, so that maybe my skin would clear up??), so my skin has decided to show it.  But, I really don't feel stressed.  I just feel that I am in this hard spot that I cannot express how I feel because I really don't know how I feel.  

One thing that I do feel is that my body is broken.  Because, I haven't gotten pregnant I feel like I will NEVER become pregnant.  Today is my dad's birthday, and he said I'm just waiting to be a grandpa.  (I know dad, I'm working on it.)  I feel broken because I can't just get pregnant.  It's crazy I know.  I also know some things that I CAN'T handle.  I know that I just can't do it.  One of them is when a woman says that she is pregnant.  I about lose my shit every time.  I think, why not me.  When is my time.  Why isn't any of this working.  

I also feel broken in my career.  I feel like it isn't enough.  I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing.  In blogs before I have said that as far back as I can remember I remember wanting to be a teacher.  But, the cards were not dealt like that.  As much as I tried for them to be, I just couldn't make it work.  One stupid "d" kept me from getting there, and I gave up WAY too easy.  So, now at 31 I am going to go back to school, but not to be a teacher, to me a school guidance counselor.  I have not choice this time but, to make it.  When hubs went back to school I put stipulations on him, and he has in turn put them on me.  So, we will see how this goes.

I also feel broken in my health and fitness.  I need to get a handle on this.  No, the gym is not the most ideal place, and I feel intimidated and scared, however I'm going to do it.  The diet is going well.  I have this.  No carbs no dairy, foods from nature.  I just have to get the fitness.

I am sorry that I was long winded.  I guess that when I don't have much to say, I have a ton to say.  Love and baby dust.
  

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Stuck

I have just wrote about half a blog and deleted it all.  Sometimes those thoughts are not meant to come out just yet.  

I am stuck.  Mentally, stuck.  I have come to a point in this process where I don't know how to handle myself in certain situations. I cannot break down the wall and figure it out.  For that I may need some therapy one day.  But, for right now I'm just trying to push through.  Or, I am trying to learn how to push through.

The only thing that I really know how to do is to hide, in my house.  You would think that I was really good at hide and seek at a child.  But, I was awful at it.  I would give myself away because I would start laughing the minute that someone came near me.  

I had all sorts of points in this blog, but none of them seem to be materializing.  I could start over, but that seems like a waste. Let me try again....

I have a hard time knowing that people are pregnant (there is the point of my blog).  I don't know what to do with myself.  For the longest time I would just try to think "oh your time is coming" (meaning me not them).  But, now I just can't help but be sad.  Sad, because I don't know when my time is coming.  And sad because the years don't stop coming.   

I am also having a hard time right now because after our 2nd IVF cycle and coming down from the IVF meds I began to lose my hair.  At first it wasn't that bad, and the weather was getting cooler so I thought that might have something to do with it. I do shed more in the cooler months than in the summer. But, it go worse.  Much worse after stopping all medications.  For example, if I try to curl my hair there is not enough thickness to get it to curl.  Other places, my hair brush, the shower, and having to sweep the floor. :( It is not a thing that I know how to do.  I have always had lots and lots of hair.  

I know that many people lose their hair, I understand I get it.  But, I don't know how to deal with all these things coming at me at one time.  I don't know if there is a way to figure it out.  

In other news; Hubs and I started the Paleo diet on Wednesday the 18th.  And if our scale is right I have lost 4lbs and he has lost about 6lbs.  Today is the only day that I have had a craving.  I want some pop corn.  I might give in and have it for a snack tonight.  But, I might be good and not.  Just wait one more day for my foot ball game.  For now I'll leave you with love and baby dust.


Sunday, January 8, 2017

"Y" Factor

Every sperm is either an x or a y chromosome, most of us learn this in biology, but in case you didn't now you know.  All eggs are female, they only have an x chromosome, so when the two mix the sperm decides if the child is female (x) for male (y).  I never knew that a male could have a y factor deficiency.  I also didn't know that this could affect the production of sperm.  See, most of the time we learn that if a male has low testosterone that it will affect the production, but there isn't much more to learn.  That is until you go and see a specialist.  

I used to think that all my Embabies were boys.  Mainly because usually those are the slowest swimming sperm and they are easier to grab (wow, now I thinking that and Embryologist can grab a sperm, when we can't even see it!!!), since we had to do ICSI (that is just a fancy term for taking sperm and putting it directly into and egg).  But, now I'm not so sure.  Now, I'm thinking that I had all girls.  

I have been thinking about the Embabies quite a bit lately.  For reasons unknown to me, I have been thinking about the 1st 2 that we implanted, the most.  I guess I just remember.  I know when they would have been born.  I know their birthday.  I know that they would have been almost 3 months old.  I'm not sure why I hold them so dear?  Is it the first try thing?  Is it all my hopes were in those 2 and not the other 2? Or was it that I was so sure that they were going to happen, I didn't have a  thought in my mind that they wouldn't?

Whatever the reason, when I think about them it is hard.  I wouldn't say that I go daily thinking about them. It is just little things. Such as a date, or when I see twins, or something about twins.  Then my mind wonders to them.  I haven't forgot about the other 2, I just had the date of the 1st 2 in my head, and my mind will not let it go.

I don't like to talk about the Hubs much.  I know that many of you will read this and think that we have found some miracle and are working on it... not the case, stop dreaming.  Simply put, he has a story to tell and I'm not telling it.  I'm telling my story.  Sometimes this is about both of us, but I'm being totally selfish, and this is about me.   

I'm always waiting for the other show to magically drop. I always think that something is going to happen, but it never does.  The heartbreak from IVF is real.  It's a pain that can never be undone.  I used to wonder how these women could do a cycle over and over, how they could try for years, and then still have hope.  I don't wonder about that anymore.  I know why they do it.  They do it because they want a family, and this is the only way that it can be done.  I now put myself there.  I have stuck those needles in my belly, my hubs has to me, and so has my mom.  I have waited for the Beta to come back and be high.  I have waited for Egg retrieval day, and hoped that all 17 eggs that they were looking at come out of my body, and then they don't.  I have said to God, "Y" and then changed it to, "God I have put this in your hands, I trust that this is the path that you put us on, please continue to show us."  The only thing that I can't push through is those girls that are now getting pregnant.  Or got pregnant around the time that I was using my last transfer.  That is hard.  That is something that I doubt will change.  But, the funny thing about those transfers, in September and November, I don't know exactly when those Embabies would be do, not without really thinking about it.  I wonder to mYself if that is God's way of helping me out.  If he knew that I wouldn't be able to handle 3 months out of there year of total breakdown, that one would be enough?  And that one time would happen to be my favorite time of year, and that I would be so busy thinking about Anniversary's and Halloween that I would ALMOST forget until it passed me bye?

I try to think of my blessing and count on them. I try to think about things in a positive.  I try to move forward.  I think of each day as a new chance.  I sometimes think that we are not going through IVF and everything will just turn out okay.  Then, I think that I have fooled myself and just hope that I can continue to do it.  That I can just make it through the day, without crying, or melting down.  With out a constant reminder. I thank you all for the love and support that you have given to me.  So for now, I wish you love and baby dust!!!!