Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Will I ever be a mom?

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There are days that I wake up and feel like I can conquer the world.  Then there are days like today when I feel like I breathe fire and can tear down the world.  I think about becoming a mom, almost too much.  But, I try really hard not to let it affect everything.  However, this week it has almost consumed me in its flames.

(Yes lots of dragon references today, I feel like Daenearys, that I will just be the mother of Dragons ((dogs and a cat that thinks he is a dog)).. I'll just go with it.)  I have been having these terrible dreams.  I will wake up in the middle of the night and think that I am done dreaming only to go back to sleep and dream again.  They are mainly about pregnancy and miscarriage.  And the scare the hell out of me.  

Other than not being a mom, I think that my 2nd most fear is having a miscarriage.  I follow many Instagram ladies that have had them, and I wonder if I am strong enough to handle them.  Can I pick back up and move on.  Because my dreams are consumed of them, I worry that is my fate.  

I look around at different people and wonder where our baby is.  I wonder what he or she will look like.  I wonder what the Dr. is going to say at our follow up meeting.  I always prepare for the worst.  Like when we were down in UVA/ Martha Jefferson and we met with that Dr. and he told us that we made perfect embryos... I lost it.  Then why didn't they stick.  Why didn't they stay?  What am I doing so wrong?  Nothing was answered.  I am hopeful that this clinic will answer my questions.  I think that will all the testing that they are requiring and how particular they are being they will have different answers.  

I also thought about this 3rd cycle.  I have hopes, because of the new insurance with Mischa's new job I don't have to worry about this being our last try.  I no longer have that hanging over my head.  I know that is a sore spot for many.  I understand the hate that comes with that.  But, please remember that I am still about 24k in debt from the previous cycles.  I thought also about being even more private in this cycle.  Maybe just not saying anything.  I can't decide on this part.  

We were at Otakon this weekend.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it is Anime on steroids.  In recent years they have added more things, like the have Disney Princesses cause lots of people dress as them, and they have started adding comics and more pop culture.  If you like to people watch, you can get a good spot and just watch all day.  I try not to people watch too much, but I do enjoy it.  In recent years people have been bringing their kids.  When Mischa and I first started going they were few and fair between.  Now there are a lot more kids, and this year I saw babies.  Like baby babies.  I have often wondered what Mischa and I would do when we had babies.  What it would look like when we went to places like this or Busch Gardens.  It wasn't until this weekend that I realized that this is normal for these kids and babies and it could be that way for ours too.  I know many people that don't take their kids to many places.  They stop normal life until their kids are old enough.  And I am not saying that kiddos can go every where.  But, they can go to places.  I mean I am not going to take my baby to the movies, but I can take him other places.  

You have to live life.  You have to teach kids and babies that there are life experiences and you have to go out and see them.  I still wonder if I will ever be a mom.  I wonder if Dog mom is the only thing that will be in my being.  I also wonder if I can be happy with that.  I have lots to wonder.  Wowza.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Dear Baby Stine (Life)

Image result for life isn't always beautiful gary allan

Dear Baby Stine;

I wanted to write to you about some things in life, because last night I couldn't sleep thinking about them.  I may have wrote to you about these things before but, never-the-less  I think that I needed to say it again to you.  I want to first tell you about the song that inspired this; "Life isn't always beautiful" by Gary Allen.  Let me tell you a little bit about it.  First, your Dad will probably never hear this song, only because he doesn't like country music.. I hope to instill a love of all music in you; its how your dad and I connected.  Second; Gary Allen wrote this song after his wife died.  I know that this is a hard topic, but I think that the song is very important.  It is the meaning on the song that makes it great.  "Life isn't always beautiful; but it's a beautiful ride."

Life: your state of being.  When I was 14, a freshman in high school, I though a little bit about life after high school.  I did okay in school, but I wasn't the best.  During the summer between freshman and sophomore year, I decided that I wanted to go to college and become a teacher.  That is when I developed a plan, I would press really hard to get the best grades I could, graduate from high school and then go right into college.   Become a teacher at 21, get married at 23 and have babies and life happily ever after.  Please pump the breaks right here; life does not work that way.

Oh baby; life will work.  Your mom made some dumb mistakes during that sophomore year.  I dated a boy (not your Dad), that said college was for dummies and I didn't need it.  (This should have been where I let my many watchings of Matilda kick in. This is a movie that you will watch.  Miss Honey is having a conversation with Matilda's parents about her being smart and that they needed to start on the path to college.  The Wormwood's ((Matilda's Parents)) insult Miss Honey by saying that a girl like Matilda doesn't need college because she has looks.  Miss Honey talks about them needing Dr's and Lawyers that would be college educated.. you get it).  I went back to being so so in school.  It wasn't until I broke up with this dude and started dating your Dad that I realized the errors of my ways and it was a little late.  Then I couldn't get into a 4 year school.  I really had to work hard, basically I had to get my associates degree.  And then I didn't graduate from college until I was 24.  And I didn't get married until I was 26.  And I will still working on you.  

What I am saying is it will work.  You just have to keep working at it.  I have to tell myself that all the time.  But, what I am also trying to tell you is: don't let a single person get in the way of your dreams and goals.  Make the dream and goal and go after it.  That is your life, not theirs.  If they love you they are going to help you get there.  That is how you know what love truly is.  And it doesn't have to be romantic love, it can be friendship love or any kind of love.  People who love you see you through.

Baby one more thing: talking about people who love you.  Blood does not ALWAYS equal love.  (I will love you no matter what, I promise!)  There will come a time where you find people in your life who will do something that is so kind and you didn't realize that they loved you, or even thought about you.  There will also be family that will act as your family and then they will turn a blind eye to you.  There will be family that will shock you, don't forget them.  People will pick you up when you are down, they are not always your family.  People will kick you when you are down, they can be your family.  I learned all this way too late.  I have a trusting heart.  I trust people not hurt me and then they do.  They really do.  I am sure that you will meet some of the people that I am talking about.  I will tell you.  I will tell you about friends that your Mom has that did a great act of kindness and told me about their babies before I just had to find out on facebook.  I will tell you about one family member that did the same thing, and how wonderful it was to know.  I will tell you about the family that just let you find out the hard way.  I will tell you how the have no regard for your feelings.  

Life: what a beautiful thing.
 Image result for life isn't always beautiful gary allan

Sunday, July 23, 2017


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Sometimes it is the little things the people do that make all the difference.  I never knew how much I would appreciate little acts of kindness until I went through this journey to my baby.  

Many people don't understand what it is like to open up facebook or any other form of social media and see something that brings you joy and pain all at the same time.  This is exactly what happens when I open up facebook or the like and see a baby announcement.  It is hardest when it comes from someone in my family.  Because, I think that they could tell me.  You don't have to call me.  A message or text will do.  But, they don't.  

I don't want to dwell on the above topic.  It is something that I feel like I could on about for days.  I could also talk about how family is really not there for you.  And how I am realizing that family is not about blood, it is about the people that you decide are a part of it.  I want to talk about something else other than being upset.

I have had some really kind people this year tell me that they are pregnant before I had to figure it out.  I cannot say how much that means to me.  It is probably the nicest thing that you can do for me.  I cannot thank you enough for thinking of me.  No matter how it is that you came to your baby, any step can be hard; I am rooting for you.  And I am in your corner!!!


As you know Mischa and I switched IVF clinics.  Not only because we believe that Martha Jefferson (MJ)/ UVA had no interest in us being pregnant, but because his new job covers IVF.  Even though this has me in a wreck; I am really happy about it.  I got to thinking... This place has fertility in the title.  MJ does not.  Sure is has "Reproductive" in the title, but they really didn't get to the bottom of why I can't reproduce.  

As I have said before when we met with the Dr she asked so many questions.  Ones that I didn't have many answers to.  I really thought that I knew all there was to this.  I found out that I really don't.  The protocols that MJ had me on where to suppress my system.  Which makes no sense unless I have a low egg reserve.  Which to my knowledge I don't.  But, I really don't know if MJ tested me for that.  I will find out when I go back to the new place and they go over all of our options.  But they are testing for everything.  They are recommending that Mischa have a Kerrotype test.  We were never asked to do this before.  Also once we make embryos they want to do testing on them as well.  It was suggested that MJ wanted to test our embryos, but he said that we made perfect ones so we should just go ahead that do another FET.  

I don't want to get into "Hot Topics" but all this testing sounds really great, if they can tell me why it didn't work.  Because I feel like such a fool sometimes.  I feel like when my OB said go to MJ or Shady Grove I should have picked Shady Grove.  But, I didn't.  I feel like I wasted a year.  A year that I could have had a baby.  Come this October if I would have done something different I could have a 1 year old.  This could all be over.  I could stop feeling so bad for myself.  But, I picked something else.  I regret it.

End of Update.


As I sit here in the quiet of my thoughts, I realize that I blinked and 2017 is almost over.  It has been pretty rough.  This journey has brought a lot of heartache and sadness.  It has brought a lot of things.  It is hard not to shut everyone out and try and protect myself.  Especially when you feel like people lie to you.  I feel like that a lot.  More often then I would like to say.  If you have a friend or family member that is going through this process I have some tips for you:
1. Be honest.  Don't say one thing because that is what you think that they want to here.  More times than not, it isn't what they want to hear.  They wanna here the truth, because when they find out the lie, then they think that you are lying about everything.
2. Be kind.  Any little act will do.  If we can be one of the first few to find out your are pregnant, that is the most kind thing you can do.  If we don't have to find out through social media even better.
3. Spend time with us.  We aren't freaks.  We aren't some weird science experiment.  And we don't talk about this 24/7.  Spending time with us helps us not think about what is going on all the time.
4. Check in.  Once in a while ask the person how they are doing.  I promise it is not always so heavy.  
5. NEVER EVER NO MATER WHAT begin a sentence with "We weren't even trying."  This is a nail in the coffin, seal the deal, I am never talking to you again sentence.  I know that this requires some thought.  But, I don't want to hear about how easy it was for you to get pregnant.  Because, lets face it, it is not easy for me.

There are many more things that I can say.  

But, that is for another time.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Hazel Eyes

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I have been thinking, thinking, and EVEN more thinking.  And yet I feel like I have nothing to say.  Or maybe I have a lot to say.  IVF take 3 is taking it's time on me and it hasn't even begun.  The entire UVA/Martha Jefferson has me in such an up roar, that sometimes I cannot think straight.  I'm not sure how one place can just ignore you.  How, they don't send your records, and then bill you for something that your insurance covered and paid.  I will never get it.

I have been thinking about the point in all of this.  A period comes at the end of the sentence and it has to be time to end this part of it.  A lady that I follow on Instagram has come to the end of her IVF journey.  The cannot afford or emotionally afford to go on the journey any longer, my heart breaks for them.  I always wonder what that will look like for Mischa and Me.  It can look different, and I am not saying that we are at the end.  I just wonder.  Anyways..
I wonder sometimes what I am doing.  What is my purpose.  I think that sharing my story and awareness is one, but there has to be others.

I was talking to a friend about the "Infertility Club" as we have named it; we were talking about how different people have tired to connect with us over this.  How these people want to be a part of this club.  All I could say/ask.. Why do you want to be a part of this club?  Trust me, that answer should be NO!  This is not something that I WANT to bond with you over.  If we happen to share this, then okay, we can bond.  But, don't make shit up in order to talk to me and then try and bond.  I am not okay with this.  

I am not okay with being a made a fool.  I am not okay with people asking me things, because they think that something is wrong and that I will know.  I am not a doctor.  I can't tell you what is wrong.  And don't assume that because you have been trying that something is wrong.  I have been trying to make my baby for 5 years.  That is a long time.  I could have a 4 or 5 year old right now.  I have a 5 year old boxer, that I thought would grow up with my 2 legged child.  This is not the case.  I had to fight for all of this.  I had to find a doctor that would stop looking just at me, and I have had to pay and am still paying about 24k for all of this.  I didn't that I was made, but I guess that I am.  

In those 5 years I have learned a lot.  You will learn a lot.  You will do things that you NEVER thought possible.  You will do things that you NEVER thought possible.  You can find God or leave him.  You can become closer to your spouse or not ( I am closer to him, just in case you were curious.)  You will depend on strangers.  You will become friends with people, and then unfriend people.  You will do a lot.  


Trust me when I say that you DON'T want to be a part of this club, that you don't.  You don't want to explain to people that you are not a mom because your babies are in heaven (Disclaimer: I believe that about my Embryos, you don't have to.  That is just my choice.)  You don't want to tell people that you just meet that you got up this morning and made a trip to an IVF clinic, all before most people get out of bed.  When I say that you don't you don't.  You don't want you friends to feel sorry for you (but you are thankful, that they are and they pray for you.)  You don't want this.  You really don't want this.

So while my ball of nerves are working... Pray for me or whatever you send in happy thoughts do that too.  Cause I am a mess.  And the ball is at the top of the MT and I am about to get crushed.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Ponders of the Wonders

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I want to first say that;  I am on this weird spiritual journey.  Before, I didn't think of myself as spiritual, nor did I think that I would become closer to God, however here I am.  And, 2nd I know that many do not believe/ or think that God has a hand in this.  I am sorry if you don't feel that way.  I am also sorry if I offend you.  Now, moving on.

I wanted to give a little update.  I don't really have much to go on.  I have been bouncing around to different doctors in the past two weeks.  I really hate them.  No offense, but it is NOT my favorite place to be.  I had a recheck at the Dermatologists office... I am starting to hate going there.  My skin is clearing up, but I spend maybe 10 minutes with her, for her to yell at me again about not using hand sanitizes, then she gives me some new cream, and off I am again for another 2 months.  I don't like weather I hate the 10 minutes, or I hate the new medications more.  Good news is the next appointment I will be able to break free and only have to see her once a year, unless I need a refill.  The other thing is, I really didn't care that my skin was breaking out.  I was more worried about my hair falling out.  And now that that has stopped, I don't feel the need to come at all.  But, I will keep going.  
I also went to the eye doctor.  Which was fun.  My eye doctor is an older guy that has been in town for a long time.  He loves to shoot the shit.  So, I bring Mischa with me, and they talk, and I just focus on my eyes.  I am more blind than last time, and I finally got my eyes dilated.. I have a detached/ floating Retina.  So, how he explains it to me.  You do nothing, until you get in a fight with one of your friends at a bar and you decide to Jello wrestle, and I get knocked in the head really hard and see flashing lights.  Then I have to go to the emergency room, for them to laser my eye back together.  I laughed so hard, my bar days are over, and I hate Jello.  But, you know what I will remember that.  So, I guess his job is done.

So I had my first blood drawl with the new Fertility clinic today.  Wasn't that bad, but the nurse that made my appointment forgot to tell me that I was going to have an internal sonogram.  My text with Mischa after the appointment went something like this, "Had my first appointment with Dilly today." I really have to laugh at this.  This new place really has these rooms set up.  All the supplies are sitting on the counter.  Pads, tampons, whips, you name it, its there.  I should have brought my phone back to photograph.  But I was a little nervous this time around and left it with my mom in the waiting room.  This place also runs like a well oiled machine, not like UVA.  It is also pretty bad when your Eye Doctor tells you not to use UVA; for anything.  Now, I can't say that they are all bad.  When my Pappy had trouble with his gallbladder they saved his life.  And around this area you can't escape them.  You have to go more north in order too.  So, what can you do?  

Anyways:  I really want to thank all of you for the love and support that you have given me over the past 3 years.  From encouraging me to switch OB/Gyn's to all the positive energy that you have given to me.  It really makes doing this a lot easier.  I am really greatful!  Now, get off of here and enjoy the birth of America!!!  Love, Baby Dust, and Lots of Fireworks!!!

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Take 3

Image result for the scientist by coldplay

I want to first begin by saying that I NEVER knew that I liked Coldplay until I couldn't get this song out of my head.  Please don't quiz me on Coldplay songs or try to get me to sing them, because I probably don't know the words.

I have waited a long time to look back into IVF/ Fertility treatments, since stopping things in December and not being pregnant yet again, I wanted to be done with it all, and I wanted to push it all out of my mind as far as I could get it.  You could say that I have been living somewhat of a "normal" life since December.  To be honest I don't remember what normal life was like.  I got to watch Hockey like a crazy fan, I got to pretend that we were just a normal couple who decided to wait to have kids.  It was bliss.  It was all a lie.  But, that is okay... it is the one lie that I enjoyed for a little while.

I am not sure if I have said this, but I am getting more proud of myself.  I keep meeting new people and not telling them about IVF.  It used to come out like word vomit.  So now that I it doesn't, and I can control it a little bit better I am really relieved about it.  (So..I use the phrase "Word Vomit" a lot.. I realized that you might not know where this is from.  Please watch the move "Mean Girls" then you will know :)  Trust me, it is really funny.  And at that time it was pretty accurate on how clicks were.)

I think that I have been trying to pretend that I don't need IVF or fertility treatments.  As we all know this is not the case.  I went and talked (one time, cause I didn't like her) the a counselor.  She made a few good points, but she wanted to coach me and not counsel me.  The one point that she made was that she felt like I was trying to convince the world, of what I cannot convince myself.  Science is just that, and we have come a long why with it.  But, there is still so much further to go.  A lot of Doctors will NEVER look at the male side of infertility.  Trust me this is not just a female thing.  But, that is a fight that I cannot take on my own, I need to stick with what I can do.  

So let me go back to the beginning...
The Hubs will now be referred to as Mischa (if you watch the American's you will know where this is from, if you are not watching the American's you don't know what you are missing), I know what this is close to his real name, but I am not super creative here.  
In December after begging and pleading I finally got UVA to send us to a specialist.  Stephanie, one of the nurses that I like, said that we hope to see you soon, and I explained that Mischa was getting a new job, and that we had to go where the insurance told us.  She really thought that we were coming back, but what she didn't know is that I had no desire to EVER set foot inside that office again.  I began to hate it.  I felt like the had no interest in getting us pregnant, and all they wanted was money.  I remember looking around the office one day, on the day that I was running late and so were they... several woman were sitting in the office.  I tried really hard not to look around a judge, however it was harder than I thought.  I kind of got good at reading these peoples faces even though many of them I had not seen before.  I could tell which one was there for the first time, just by how hopeful she look.  I could tell from the shoe that this other lady was wearing that she was going to get pregnant with in the first or second go round.  Her shoes were super expensive, she had a key ring with a Lexus key on it, she was carrying a coach bag (it was not knock off), and lastly her hair and nails were done super nice and on trend.  I wanted to punch her.  I knew that she had lots of money and could do this process as many times as she wanted to.  And then I wanted to punch the office in the face.  I'm good at being angry.  I knew that if I had to wait any longer then I would probably become a ragging bull in a China shop.  Luckily as soon as I finished my thought, I was called back.
I am really thankful for the new job that Mischa got and the insurance that it provides.  I am also glad that I like getting a 2nd opinion, and not just because they say what I want to hear.  Because most of the time, it is better.  This time was better.

Mischa and I were super nervous when we went to Shady Grove.  For different reasons, he was worried about the cost.  I was worried about what they were going to tell me.  I knew that our new insurance provided some type of coverage for fertility, what I was worried about was that I felt like we had tried everything.  I thought that we were going to be turned down.  I was very unprepared for this meeting.  Mainly because I thought that we would be turned away.  But, this doctor was hopeful.  Her first sentence after introductions was remain hopeful, she said I know that is hard, but remain hopeful.  She said that more times than I could count.  We went through general questions, in fact many more that UVA... some of them I couldn't answer, because I just didn't know.  But, she said that her nurse would take care of what I didn't know.  Holy crap, you mean I don't have to do this all by myself?  We still don't qualify for IUI, and that is okay.  I can deal with that.  But, we can still do IVF.  We told her that we couldn't sign anything until we knew costs.  Our insurance is really picky also, so everything has to be done when they say.  But, lucky for us, this time... it will only cost us $375.  The finance lady and the receptionist were so stunned.  The Receptionist asked Mischa  what he did for a living ( I can' tell you all, sorry).  He told her, and she was like damn, never leave, he said he didn't plan on it.  We were gasping as we left the office.  We couldn't believe that it was true.  We are still in shock.  I think that we are coming to terms now.  

So, we will be going through take 3 some time in the near future.  New office, new doctor new meds... oh and they put you on prenatal vitamins that they recommend.  And I had to sign this waver that I was taking care of myself with breast self exams and ob/gyn care.  UVA never had me do any of that.  They didn't even care what vitamins that I was taking.  I feel like I am getting care, not just trying to have a baby.

So, now with renewed hope, I wish you love and baby dust!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Little Moments

Well, I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now what she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't' even act like I was mad
Yeah, I live for little moments like that
-Brad Paisley

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There are very few times where I am not thinking about when my baby will come.  The reminder is sometimes almost more than I can take.  Yesterday was a time where there were moments where I forgot and then there were moments that I was reminded.

Yesterday, Hubs and I went to one of our favorite places, Busch Gardens.  We have been taking friends with us, because it is more fun with more people, and we enjoy company.  When I was thinking about having fun, when I was tasting the food, I wasn't thinking about not being pregnant.  But, when I got on one of the rides, I was reminded that I had tried so very hard for a year. You see there are some things that are reminders of a year of trying.  Not being able to hold my bladder is one of them.  

I really do enjoy the moments when I am forgetting.  Not that I can totally forget about it, I just like when I don't have to remember.  I did really really well this last month.  I met a few new people and I didn't tell them about the IVF journey.  I just talked, one did ask me about having kids, and instead of it coming out like work vomit I just took a deep breath and I said, "Not Yet."  Which makes me pretty proud.  It is hard sometimes not to just say it.

Another little moment is my hair. My hair is growing back and not falling out.  This I noticed big time yesterday.  One reason is because I took a straightener to my hair.  The other I could put it up in a bun, and nothing came out.  I know that people lose their hair for many reason's, but it was the 2nd worse thing to happen other than not being pregnant.  Many may have not noticed that my hair was getting thinner, and I am okay with that.  But, I have happy to say that my hair is better again.

It's really funny how different moments sneak by you.  How time "Stands Still for no man.."  I could spend so many of those moments thinking about what I don't have.  But, I try hard to focus on what I do.  I also try to focus on things that need to be changed.  I am working hard on that.

"I live for little moments.. Like that."

Wednesday, May 17, 2017


This journey can get lonely.  Even if I have taken a break from all the treatments.  Until I get pregnant, I am still in this, unless I leave it all together.  I think that people don't always know how to support those going through this, and while this might not be the way for everyone, this is a suggestion.

Listen:  Even if the person is not talking; listen to what they have to say and what they don't have to say.  Sometimes this is may take a little bit of detective work, but pay attention.  Don't think of what you are going to say next, sometimes you need to not talk about you.  Just listen.

Be there:  There is nothing more than someone needs going through this than someone to be there.  And don't just say that you will be there, make an effort to be there.

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Stress:  It's pretty high.  We need a lot of things to destress us.  Sometimes we don't get to do anything that will actually help with this, because everything makes us feel stressed.  Find things that we like to do and do it with us.  We will feel better.

Sometimes I forget, okay not sometimes, ALL the time I forget what other people have gone through on their journey to their babies.  It is not because I just want to think about what is going on with me, or that I want it all to be about me.  It is because I think about so much and I forget what others have gone through.

Talking with the Hubs (which I really want to change his nickname.. that's another day) and he sees things way different from me.  I don't know if it is because I am so caught up in things, or because I just think that I see it the way I see it.  But, I only see one side of it.  And that could really be bad.

I have been keeping track of how long it has been since I have had my last shot.  In case you too are not keeping track it has been 6 months.  I didn't mean to leave it this long, but here we are, and it was about this time last year that we decided that we were going to start cycles again at the end of June after our vacation.  It is crazy to think that a lot can change in 6 months, and a lot can not.  It is also funny that when you are at different doctor's office they will ask you if you are pregnant.  In fact at the dentists office today I got asked 3 times if I was pregnant; once on paper, once by the hygienist, and lastly by the dentist.  I almost said that I would 100% tell you if I was because I would be so excited that I couldn't keep that secret from anyone.  I just brushed it aside.

I didn't want to write a blog today that would be sad.  This one was supposed to be more about making you think.  However, it seems that all I write about is being sad.  I really wish not to be sad.  I really wish that I find the peace.  I promise to stop writing blogs so late at night, because I feel like they are starting to not make sense.

I leave you with this...

Love's own tender flames warm this meeting And love's tender song you sing But fly away little pretty bird And pretty you'll always sing

Crooked Still- Pretty Bird

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mother's Day

Warning:  This blog is not about any ONE person.  This is just how I feel going into Mother's Day.

Tomorrow is the hardest day of the year, for me.  It is a reminder of what I do not have.  And boy was I reminded.  I often get people who tell me "Happy Mother's Day," and I really go on about my day, I'll say thank you and move on.  But, this year was hard.  There were many times when people would completely leave me out of the round of good wishes they were giving to others.  I get it, I don't physically have a child.  So, if you were looking that way then you would not care to wish me Happy Mother's day.  But, if you know me then you would at least try a well wish.  And I got nothing.

I am very thankful for what I do have on Mother's Day, my 4 fur babies are my happy place.  I have my mom, mother-in-law, both my grandma's and hubby's grandmas.  That is a lot of ladies to be thankful for.  And I am thankful for all of them.  I don't want anyone to ever think that I am not happy for that.  But, I am also sad, that I am not a mommy to a 2-legged puppy.  I don't get the hand made things from daycare or school.  Those are things that I miss, that I yearn for.

I have recently been told that I shut people out or I shut down when I can't make people understand me.  I thought long and hard about this.  And I think that the reason that I do that is because I try to make people understand me, and when I feel that they aren't listening to me then, I lose the effort to make the effort.  I wasn't always good at this.  In fact, I think that this is something new that I have learned.  I wouldn't call it a defense tactic.  I'd call it a learned behavior.

I also learned that I need validation, and sometimes for pretty basic stuff.  I need to know the why, because I always think that there is a why, and if i don't know that why, then I lose my freaking mind.  It is funny to know what your body is communicating when you are not even talking.  Or when you are not talking about what you think you are.  I think that this is a way of being in control.  When you have no control over a situation like this, over being pregnant and not being pregnant, you have to find a way to get in control.  It's part of my "Plan B," which I always seem to have.  But, right now there is no "Plan B."  So, I don't really know what the hell I'm doing.

The funny thing about asking for help, is when people don't think that you need help.  So, they offer you something different.  And when people don't think that you need them, they don't offer you any help at all.  I feel like I am crying out for help, and I am communicating that I need it, but I guess it goes back to the shutting down, and I can't seem to make it real.  Or make it something that people understand.  

One last thing that I learned, and I really didn't know this one AT ALL.  I have to feel justified in my career.  I didn't know that I was speaking this.  I thought that I was content.  I didn't know that I wasn't verbalizing this, or that I was verbalizing my discontent with it.  When you talk about the entire make up of a person, you have to factor in things like a job, and a home and a family.  But, when I spoke and I talked about things that I loved, my voice must have changed.  I didn't really say anything negative.  I didn't really say anything.  I just said that I worked there.  But, somehow I said that I didn't feel justified.  So, now I don't know what to do.  How do you change this, when you feel like you don't have a great skill set?  How, do you change this when you didn't know that you needed this change?

Okay, I lied... this is the last thing.  Tell every female that you see "Happy Mother's Day."  Leave it to them to correct you.  You don't know what they are going through, and you just might brighten their day.  We can all stand to be a little nicer.  

Friday, May 5, 2017

Week is OVER

I have not been more excited to have a week come to an end.  I want no re-do's thank you!  I am pretty sure that I have cried every day this week, except for today.  So I just want a weekend of fun, without having to think which emotion I need to be displaying.  I'll figure it out during the week.

I want to say thank you to anyone and everyone that have said that they are here for me.  It really means a lot to me.  I still haven't decided if I feel completely defeated yet, but all the love has helped me feel a little less.  However, this week I have never felt so much like glass in my life.  


Many of you know that we have cut out cable, we use instead Play Station view and many various forms of streaming.  When we first started using this, I was addicted to Bob's Burgers on Hulu.  I think that I watched an entire season in day.  I am not very good at watching TV like that, I wanna change the channel and watch something different, but I just couldn't change.  But, there are commercials during Hulu, and there is one where I could really shoot my TV.  The Clear Blue easy commercial... you know that one, the pretty music comes on, and the first thing the girl says is "Pregnant"  ... some one save me.

The first few times I saw it I cried.  Big, crazy sobbing tears.  Thank God, that Hubs was not home.  My Boxer came to my rescue instead.  I have to tell you that she is AMAZING with this.  But, sometimes I really get going and I freak her out.  I know that most people don't care about this commercial, some people I'm sure really like it.  But, I HATE IT.

It is funny how one thing can make you crazy, and this one really does.  Lots of things make me go crazy.  I have triggers, I never thought I would.  

I have taken the plunge to look into talking with a counselor, which honestly wasn't as easy as I thought that it would be.  I am okay, with people knowing that I am going.  You won't know when, just that I am.  I think that it will make me feel better about a lot of things.  There are things that I can't process, and I'm trying hard to help myself, but I think that I have hit a road block, and I need a little push.

I have stopped blaming myself for a lot of things, but then I place blame on a lot of other things.  If I have to take ownership on things that I have done, then I need others to do the same thing.  Who knows what this counselor will have me do.  I know that when I was working with kids, I had them doing all kinds of crazy things.  I just hope that it helps.

Sometimes I don't know that reasoning behind things that people do, and then I make up this crazy story about why they did what they did.  I also try to find a reason why I am hurt, and sometimes I believe in this fantasy that I have created.  Hubs and I have kind of swapped roles a little bit, he believes that there are so much good in others.  I think that it is all horse crap.  I think that people lie to you and hurt you and they don't think about what happens to you.  Also that people are selfish.  That is a big one.  

I have a lot of anger in me right now.  Lots.  I probably spent a good hour or more yesterday yelling at air in my house.  Then I flicked it off, and called it some more names.  My cat thought that I was crazy, I don't think that he has ever heard me be that loud.  After doing so I did not pray.  I didn't do anything.  I just kind of sat on the couch and thought "well, I don't feel any better and I am still pretty mad."  I also thought about throat punching different people.  That is my new go to.  Honestly I would probably not do it.  But, I would love to see it in action to see what it does.  Like, does someone choke?  Would it make me feel better?  After all of this I had to get ready for work.  Then I went to the movies with Hubs and his friends.  When I got home I was pretty tired and thought, okay I'm gonna sleep now.  NOT!  My dreams were pretty haunting.  I didn't even dream of punching people.  

Sometimes I am scared that those dreams are really going to come true.  The dreams that I have been having are not nice.  It is like my entire body is angry right now.  Even though I can control it.  Even my sub-conscious is pretty mad.  My teeth have started hurting, so I am sure that I am clenching my teeth at night, when I do get some sleep.  

Lastly... I don't know that I have said this, but.  When someone is struggling with Infertility I think that worst thing that you can say to that person is, "You can't do that because you feel that way."  I have heard it a few times.  The thing is I can't control a lot of things.  But, I can control what I do or how I react to a feeling.  So when someone makes a comment like that, I feel like shutting down.  I don't know that everyone going through that feels that way, but it is how I feel.  Please don't use it.  Allow the person to act however the way; because then they feel some short of control.  You are taking away the control with one sentence, that can send someone into a tail spin.  Don't be responsible for that.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

May the 4th be with you

I have had a ton of blogs that I have been working on, yet none of them seem to be the right one at the right time.  So I have been writing them down, so that I don't forget the idea instead of blogging them, mainly so that I don't forget.  

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like you were a stranger, or all alone?  Well it seems that I can do that now.  I also used to wonder how Hubs could slip out of rooms so fast and unnoticed, seems that I have learned this trick from him.  Also I really am not sure who reads these, I'm always surprised at when someone says something that I have wrote about or posted, then I know that they are listening.  

Last night was the end of my mom's group, and as I have said before I still feel like a fraud there because all my babies are in Heaven.  But, I feel a bond with these ladies, so I try to still keep going.  I also am trying to find ways to settle myself, so I have been trying to go to Church, and attend an actual service.  I haven't made it that far yet.  
As I was sitting there, for one of the first times I have felt alone.  How can someone sit beside you and they not converse with you?  There were about 3 times were I didn't feel like I was going to float away.  Once when I was asked what we would like to study next year, 2nd when someone asked me if I was okay, and I answer "No"... and then the best...

I learned that there is an IVF/Infertility support group at church.  Sign me up.  Maybe I won't be so lost?  Maybe I will find a friend that understands me and won't just leave me.  Maybe I will just learn to be and not be so angry and upset all the time.  Maybe just maybe.

There are times when I think that I need to get off this journey, when I just need to stop and say "I will not have my baby." Which is super hard and brings instant tears in my eyes and pain in my heart.  I really don't remember what life was like before IVF.  Before all the trying, before limiting diets, before hair loss, and skin issues, before tears.  Just Before.

6 years ago I believed that the hardest thing I was going to have to get through was the year of our wedding.  No even the first year of being married, just the preparation the struggle of all that.  I thought that once that was over, that the rest would come easy.  And yet here we are again, with another damn struggle! IVF is one of these things that there is no end in sight.  Unless you stop going for the treatments, and even then that is not an end.

My thoughts are jumbled today because they are just that way.  I am at this place in my life where nothing makes any sense.  I'm really not in a positive place.  The thing is if you stay in this place then I will just be there.  I will be stuck. No one wants to talk to me, their lives are still going on, and I am just here.  

I am going to leave this here, I am going to say that I am trying to find the norm.  I know that people no longer what to hear my story they are tired of it.  I know that there are people that are no longer here for me, I understand.  But, I have had a few people reach out to me.  I am thankful.  I know that I am alone, but I hope that I am changing some peoples minds.  

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

My Wish

My Wish

Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Basically put one foot in front of the other and keep on going.  It's easy for me to say, it's hard for me to do.  I'd be lying to you if I said that I don't still wish that I will wake up one day pregnant without any medical intervention.  There is still a small part of my heart that thinks this will happen, every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up.  This is a lie, and I have to learn this VERY hard truth.  I'm not sure if I am able to process this truth.  

Some day's I feel like I waited to long for any of this.  I waited too long to try and get pregnant and I waited to long to start the IVF process.  When you are coming up on your 32rd birthday (and let me stop you right there if you are going to tell me I am young... because if you know there is more to this than age.. and as you get closer to 35 there are more things to this process that add to it) you start to think that this was not what God intended for you to do with your life.  But, then you look at it in another way and you see that past high school, you took your time in everything in your life.  So, why should this be any different.

I have seen some posts lately about suicide and depression.  I can say that I have really down days, however I have not thought about either one of these.  And if I am slightly depressed then that is just what it is.  Although I have for some time thought about talking to a therapist.  I haven't made it there yet. (I also don't what to say that this is not a real thing, suicide is real.  However, that is not apart of my journey and I want to make sure that everyone knows that this is not something that is there in my life.)  Even though I haven't been able to make my baby (or birds or puppies as we like to call our embabies on any given day) and I am sad about it, I am trying to get to the point to where I am pushing on.

I don't feel defeated yet.  I'm still looking for the window on all the closed doors.  I think what is frustrating me the most right now is there are no answers as to why IVF did not work.  Nothing.  I haven't want to call the Doctors such awful names since then that I can't even think of anyone down there that I like other than 3 nurses.  (Which is funny if you really know me, because all they really do is fill my meds and take my blood, and I HATE needles... or do I>?!?!?)  One morning when I was driving down there my new favorite song came on the radio.. "The Ground Up" by Dan and Shay.  Holy flood gates...  When Dr. Smith who is my favorite Doctor down there asked me how my day was going, I cried again.  She asked what was wrong and I said, I really don't know, I have been crying since my song came on the radio and I can't stop.  But, I need to stop because after this I have to go to work.  She looked at my chart and said all the follies look good, so don't worry.  I stopped crying... Dr. Smith retrieved my eggs on the 25th of July and then I didn't see her again... she went out on maternity leave. I saw her the most during my 2nd round and I didn't even get to talk to her when it was all over.  I had to talk to the Doctor that I didn't even see, I hadn't seen him since January.  That was when I was over that clinic, that is when I didn't want to do it anymore.  But, Dr. Williams convinced us to use our last frozen Embaby.  I wish beyond anything, that I didn't listen to him.  Why couldn't I save it and have the hubs go to his appointment?  I could go on about how mad I am.  I could go on about how I feel cheated, but there are couples out there that I have it worse than me.  And even though there is no reason that they could give us that could still be good because maybe it is all about luck.

2017 is the year of the baby.  So many babies being born, and so many having babies.  Sometimes I think that it would be good to just be done with facebook.  Because I could live in unknown bliss.  But, then really I should just lock myself in my home and stay glued to my couch because there are more people than those that post on facebook.  I really don't know how to handle it.  I am so happy, but at the same time so sad.  I am just waiting for my turn.  

One more thing before I go.. my dreams.  Oh my goodness I wish that it would stop.  A while ago, before hubs and I got married I used to have this dream of a curly headed baby with big blue eyes (no gender just looks).  Those dreams stopped after we got married and I dreamed of baby girls for a long time.  Except they were faceless baby girls, with great names by the way but in my dreams I would look down and my baby would have no face.  I would wake up in sweats.  When we started trying my dreams were all over the place.  I had dreams of babies, I had dreams of my children, I had dreams of bad things like miscarriage and just all kinds of things.  They still come, but not as bad.  Now I have dreams of baby boys.  Which is weird because I never thought that I would be a boy mom.  I don't want anyone to take offense of this.  It is just that I always thought that we would have girls for some reason.  They haven't gotten more intense when Hubs and I decided on a boy name.  Which is even more funny... When we got our first cat as a married couple who was a boy (that we lost :(  ) it took us weeks to name him.  He just walked around the house till we named him Sirius.  After getting him we got our boxer.  Poor Miss Abby went almost a month without a name.  We had a new name a week for her.  Then I said let's call her Gabby, and Hubs heard Abby and it stuck.  We are so indecisive on names, I'm not even sure that we will be able to stick with the names that we like.  So, back to my dream... my son is named.  I call him by name.  He looks like he should have the name that we decided.  I need this dream to stop.  Because I wake up from it every time.  Sometimes I just startle awake and sometimes I jump almost out of my bed.  It is like I am trying to hold on to the very last 2nd of my dream, I know that waking up is going to bring me back.  And I don't want to.  Which brings me to my 2nd favorite quote:

Image result for dream quote dumbledore

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Friendship and Infertility Do NOT

Go Hand and hand.  I haven't written about this before.  The truth is, it is a lot harder pill to swallow than me not being pregnant.  Sometimes you are really alone in this journey (not counting your spouse).  You think that you found a friend that listens to you, that cares about you.  Then suddenly you can't voice what is wrong with you, you think at a person knows you well enough, and they stop talking to you.  

Image result for Find out who your friends are

Image result for Find out who your friends are

I know that I am a lot.  I have never denied that and never will.  But, I literally mean it when I say that I married my best friend.  I know there are people that just say that, but I mean it.  He is the only person that I know other than family that can deal with me, all of me all the time.  He tells me all the time that I need more friends, and I am trying, but he doesn't know how much of a handful I can be, because he is used to me.  

I am probably the loudest person that you know.  But, sometimes I don't want to talk and sometimes I am dying to hear something other than my problems.  Not the drama, I have enough of that for everyone.  There is a point to this, and I need to get there.  

I don't have the kindest heart when it comes to friends.  I should have a long time ago told one of my friends that the Hubs and I were trying to have kids, because she didn't know it at the time she could not figure out what was wrong with me.  And she tried everything.  But, then I was unkind and everything got washed away.  Unkind because she had kids and I didn't.  Unkind cause I didn't know that there was nothing medically wrong with me as to why we couldn't conceive and I kept blaming myself for why the odds were stacked against us.

Once something is broken there is no fixing it.  You can try to mend it and put things back to the way they were, but it is not fixed.  So, I'm down this road again.  Sometimes I feel like I should just stop putting myself out there.  If, maybe I could just manage to keep things to myself, and keep to myself then maybe I could stay off this road.  But, we are human and one basic human things is to bond with people and so we keep doing it.  We keep trying to bond.  We keep trying to learn and grow and make it right again.  But, we keep messing it up.  Life is messy.  Sometimes I'd like to be a part of a movie, where it is all wrapped up nicely at the end but it isn't the end of a life it is just the end of that part of the story.  But, that is just it.  We are not caught in a movie, we are caught in life.  And then end of it is death, until you might with the maker.  (Or Life according with Albus Dumbledore, is Death is but the next great journey.)  I'm not trying to be all depressing and talk about Death, I don't want anyone to think that I am trying to take me life or something, because I am 100% not.  I am just saying that the end of the movie (life) is death.  

So until I figure out what I am doing in my friendship I will just journey and wait and keep trying to find out what I am doing with this crazy time!

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Dear Baby Stine Part...

Waring:  This may make you cry or mad, or just about anything.  I am really sorry for that.  It is just me thinking.  Also I am not sure how many letters I have written to Baby Stine, I don't go back and read my old posts, if I do it is just titles.  I have stopped keeping track, please forgive me.

Baby Stine,

I am sorry that I have written in a while.  My thoughts are currently jumbled and sometimes it is just hard to think of what to say.  Your Dad and I are still waiting for you.  Whenever you are ready, we are too.  Your Dad got a really great job, and I am going to be going back to school.  Everything is lining up, we are just waiting for you.  For a long time your Dad and I had no name for you if you were to be a boy.  However, we now have THE perfect name for you if you are a boy.  We aren't sharing with any, and if your Dad does he is in MAJOR trouble.  I dream of what you will look like if you are a boy.  I dream that you will have green/brown eyes like me, but other than that you will look much like your Dad.  Oh and curly hair, but I am really not sure where that comes from.  I think that you will have blond hair for a little while, but when you get older it will become darker.  I also think that by the time you are 10 you will be taller than me.  It's okay, I'll still beat your ass.  It is weird to dream about you, and you aren't here yet.  For a long time it freaked me out.  I have since gotten used to it.  But, I haven't thought that you would be a boy for a long time.  Many people don't believe that you are out there waiting for us, but I strongly believe that you are.  You are waiting for the right time.  However, I really wish the right time was now.  We have taken a break from IVF.  My body really needed it.  I got this weird skin condition and my hair was falling out.  I need to get in line again.  Your Dad and I also started a Paleo diet, which we are getting back on again.  Hopefully this all works.  Hopefully this is what you are waiting for.

I am still not sure if I am going to share the letters that I write to you with you.  I know that IF I do share them with you, I am going to wait until your much older.  I haven't figured out how I am going to tell you that you came to be.  I still think that you will just come to be.  That no medical intervention will be needed.  I'm not sure if that is me being a fool or what.  Only time will tell for that.  I sometimes think that if I do share these letters with you, that it will scar you for life.  And maybe just maybe I need you to not have that hanging over you.  

Sometimes when I talk the process with people they really listen to me.  And sometimes I feel like I am sharing my story for nothing.  I have had some really high highs and some really low lows.  Nothing seems to be in between.  I hope that one day I will get the in between.  

I think that I have really gotten off subject here.  Soon I hope to meet you.  Soon I hope to connect with you.  We want so badly for you to be our baby.  We are holding on to hope.  

Love,  Mom and Dad! 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

I promised myself...

Happy Birthday to My Hubs!!  

So, I rarely make a promise to myself because I tend to not keep them.  But, I did try to make a really big deal and I had kept it until yesterday!  I had just made a promise that when I met new people I wouldn't instantly tell them about my IVF problems.  I kept it when we got a new staff member at our branch.  I know that this doesn't seem like it is a super big deal.  But, when your introductions has gone as follows, you get tired of it after a while, and just want to keep with simple ones...  "Hi, I'm Crystal, I married, have four fur babies, have been trying for 5 years to have a baby, and just went through a year of IVF."  I think that is a little much.

And yesterday that was about how it went. I worked at another branch.  One of the girls asked me if I liked being a teller, I said that majority of the time yes.  She asked how many hours a week I got, and I said that I was a 30 hour a week teller, but that when I worked at my old store I got 40 hours because we were always short staffed.  She asked me why I had left... and like word vomit I said, because I have been trying to have a baby and I needed less hours.  (Damn it)  Then I had to explain why, and that was an entire conversation.  

I am not ashamed of my experience.  I don't think that I should hide it, I don't really hide it.  But, I do want to feel like a normal person sometimes.  I want to feel like I have no trouble having babies and that I am just waiting.  But, that also brings up another topic.  Why do we ask about people having children, why is this a normal thing?  I am guilty of asking it, but I really try not to.  

It is kind of like the normal flow of a conversation, "Are you married, do you have kids?"  But, I got one yesterday that I wasn't really expecting, one of the ladies asked if I had my baby.  I had to say no, she was really sad for me.  Then, she said one day you will.  I find it funny that people that barely know me, have more faith in this process than I do.  And blind faith at that.  

I guess that I shouldn't be as skeptical about it.  But, I almost cannot help myself.  As each month passes I feel like I am no where near to getting my baby.  I feel like another round of IVF will end the same.  I feel like it will not work, and then what state will my body and mind be in?  I try daily to not believe in this, I try to just think positive.  But, sometimes all the positive I have disappears and I just want to say, forget it, I'm done and over it.  But, I keep trying.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

The Real Me.

Image result for hiding behind a mask tumblr

I want to first say that I am on a blog role, I hope to keep this up.  I think it is because I really have a lot going on, and the only way to really get past it is to blog.  Either way, I like it.

I often talk about the "Real Me," not saying that there is a "Fake me."  More like there is a side of me that I do not show.  She comes out often, but I keep her at bay.  Mainly because I am sure that there are a handful of people that actually like the real me, and I am sometimes a people pleaser, and the real me doesn't please too many. 

The real me is loud.  I am talking really loud.  She is not shy, she is not quiet in a room.  She stands out.  (Like when I wear orange, and everyone looks at me funny.)  She loves to laugh.  In fact talking used to get her in trouble, and sometimes still does.  I have toned her down, because always talking does not please anyone.  And because she can talk over people... a lot.  

The real me is really friendly.  (Okay "fake me" is that way too.)  I really like people, not all people but most.  But, the real me isn't so good at being a friend.  

The real me is bossy.  Really, really, times forever bossy.  I was great at being a manger.  I could boss your pants off.  I also knew how to get things done.  But, I didn't really like being the boss of grownups.  So, I stopped being the boss.

Speaking of grownups, the real me doesn't like to be around grownups all day.  In fact, I hate it.  Because grownups have all sorts of opinions, and they are pretty set in their ways.  They are also really good at arguing, about nothing.  I hate it.

Real me is way over opinionated.  That in itself is enough right there.

Real me likes piercings and tattoos (real me has no tattoos.)  If I had it my way I would still have my nose ring, and I would have more piercings than I have right now.  I would probably have a tattoo too.  It is on my bucket list.  One day it will happen, I don't care who doesn't like it.

Real me wants babies.  Okay you knew this.. so moving on.

Real me wants to work with kids.  One of my very first memories is playing school with my great grandma.  I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a teacher.  So, it came to a shock to me when I wasn't.  It came to an even greater shock when I completely changed it and wanted to be a guidance counselor.  This is something that I pray about a lot.

Speaking of praying...  I do that a lot.  But, I am not sure how my beliefs are.  I do believe that there is some kind of being.  But, I'm not sure about God's word.  And I am not sure how I believe.

Real me is random.. Random thoughts, Random mind.

Real me loves dogs.  Like really loves dogs.  If I could I would own a farm, and I would have a lot of dogs.  And I would rescue them and find them loving homes, and I would keep some of them.  I wish that I could fund this.

If there was ever a zombie break out, real me would probably be the first one gone, unless I could find somewhere to hide.  Not because I can't fight, but because I would be scared of them.  If I could survive by hiding, then I could make it, if not, nice knowing you.

There are so many other things.  But, I have to keep her at bay.  For now love and baby dust.