Wednesday, December 6, 2017


In a perfect world people wouldn't be so offended all the time.  But, seeing as it is not... well you get the picture.u k

First off, this is MY blog.  If you are offended then you don't have to read it.  Second, my intentions have always been the same to tell you about MY journey, to educate about infertility, and to be a voice for people who may not want to talk about it or just want to remain silent.  Third, I am a person, behind these keys I have thoughts feelings and emotions and sometimes my feelings get hurt.  

I have left facebook.  I haven't deleted it yet, because I haven't had the time to get all my photos off of it.  My photos are very important to me.  So until Mischa can get them for me it will be up, but I will no longer be signing in.  To me Facebook is on big fat joke.  It used to be a great way to network or keep in touch with people that are far away.  Now it is one big political mess and one big way to piss people off or hurt people.  I want no part of politics, I don't watch the news.  People are voted in and then a get on with my day.  I badly want to keep in touch with many people.  I want to see family photos and all you crazy pet parents.  But, I want no part of facebook anymore.  If I know you personally in some way, then I am okay with giving you my phone number and staying in touch that way.  Otherwise, I will be here.

I made a post on Instagram (and facebook) and at the time I was VERY upset.  Sometimes, I cannot deal with my emotions and I will post and just let things come out.  The back lash from that post was something that I was not expecting.  I take ownership of what I said.  Even though I acted, the intent behind it was something that I meant.  The delivery might not have been the best, but that is okay.  Incase you missed it, I said that I was going to delete anyone who didn't tell me about their pregnancy first.  Which I believe is my right.  If I am upset, then why can't I do that?  And then... people told me how I was supposed to feel.  How I was supposed to react.  Telling me that I can't tell people what to put where... However, aren't you telling me the same thing?  Yes.  

If you talk to me.  Meaning you private message me, or you chat on my posts.. isn't that you keeping in contact with me?  So then, why would you not say hey we are pregnant?  Do you think that I would say something awful?  Well here is the kicker, I'm not.  If you ask the 3 people that have had the kindness to do that to me, all of them will tell you that I was really excited for them.  And I really am.  I just need time.  Time to myself to process my feelings.  I have to greave for myself.  I have to figure out how I am going to deal with me.  And NONE of it has anything to do with you.  None of it.

I think that my post is one reason that many people remain silent about the fertility issues.  Because having to deal with the comments that people leave you that they feel is okay is half the battle.  People think that we are being dramatic, but the thing is we really don't know how to deal with any of this.  Infertility does not come with instructions.  And many people have many different reactions to it.  It isn't fair for some one to say that this is how you feel.  Sometimes we don't know how we feel.  I cried about a dozen times to the different ways that people were reacting to my post.  The shame that I was getting.  I really want to no defend myself.  And then I had one thought, I got into this publicly because I did not defend myself.  So I did just that.  

You can say what you want.  But, until you experience it you won't know how it feels.  I want to be supportive to whoever needs it.  I want to express to you that if you think that you are having a hard time starting your family then don't wait, please go and find out what is going on.  I also want to say that if you know someone, other than me, that is going through this some of the best things that you are do are: LISTEN, BE KIND, BE SUPPORTIVE and let them know that they are not alone.  Sometimes I feel really alone.  I KNOW that not everyone agrees with what I say.  I will say that until I am blue in the face.  That is NOT what is about.  But, I want you to be kind, and not just to me.  Before you type what you are typing in a response to what I am thinking, please THINK about how I MIGHT take it.  I don't want a sugar coat, I just want kindness.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Blood thinners, shots, and more shots

I forgot to update you... whoops

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It has been a tornado of a week.  We had our WTF appointment on Wednesday.  (I never knew that it was called that...but yeah it is.)  I think that it was the most nervous that I have been the entire time.  Because in the past our clinic has said... "well the embryos look good, but you can't make them implant."  Yeah that is awesome.  Such a great answer.  To be honest I was waiting for Dr. Garde so say that.  I was waiting for that bomb to drop.

That bomb NEVER dropped.  First of all she was really empathetic.  After being really nice and encouraging she let us ask our questions.  She wasn't talking over us, she wasn't not answering us.  She was listening and providing her recommendations and answers.  Dr. Garde is AMAZING. Dr. Garde believes that we have an implanting issue.  She said that our IVF was successful, but the transfer was not.  We basically told her that we wanted to try whatever,  without endangering my health.  

I asked first about and Endometrium Scratch.  They do them.  However, they do a biopsy of the cells that they scrape.  This takes some time.  We wouldn't be able to transfer until Jan or Feb.  They close for week in December for Christmas and the New year (one of the only times that they close.)  We want to transfer one more time this year, and because I couldn't talk to her right away, we got pushed back to December.  However, if this FET does not work, (she has every reason to believe that this time will result in a pregnancy, I want to be as hopeful as she is, I am getting there) then we can do the scratch.  We also asked about PGS testing.  This is a test to make sure that the embryos have the proper number of chromosomes.  This could be a reason for them not implanting.  Dr. Garde doesn't recommend this at this time.  Only because they have to unfreeze the Embryos, test them, refreeze them, and then un thaw them again at the time of transfer.  There is a possibility that even if they test normal that they may no make it through the process.  If we push to the new year, and do another IVF cycle, all the Embryos can be tested.  Before they are frozen, along with the one that is still frozen.  But, this pushes back everything.  So at this time we are not doing that.  

So what are we doing?  New meds.  As I said about Dr. Garde believes that we have an implantation problem.  When she recommends is doing a frozen transfer in December.  But, we are going all shots this time (thank the lord!!!) and we are changing things up a bit.  I am going to be on a blood thinner and a steroid to help my lining.    And Dr. Garde said while there is no data to back up these meds helping the Embryo implant, the have proof that for whatever reason the Embryos stick.  So I am gong to be torturing myself.  At one point I think I will be doing 4 shots in a day.  But, if it works, then it will be all worth it.  

I am nervous.  So many shots.  But, I will make it.  And I am greatful that we went to another clinic.  Because I feel so much better on that end.  They don't see me as a number.  They see me as someone who wants to have a baby.  And they seem like they are invested in this outcome.  Which I hope is the case, and I am not just seeing this with blinders on.  So for now I leave you with love and baby dust.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Bitch of the Week

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The Week after a BFN (Big. Fat. Negative or Big Fu*cking Negative) is pretty much the worst.  I am already upset a grumpy that this didn't work out, but it takes on an entirely different level.  Aunt Flo works her magic and there is the much added kicker that makes me just want to be an a**hole to whoever is around.  Sometimes it can be comical, but if you are in the live of fire it is never good.  And lets face it almost anyone can be in the line of fire... anyone.  You don't even have to talk to me and you can be in the fire. And I am not even good at the so called "resting bit*h face" but I can put on one.

I have realized that somewhere along the 16 years of being with Mischa (and then some for being his friend) I have adapted and learned his method of shutting down.  I allow the emotion for a little bit and then I shut if off.  I wouldn't say that I go back to "normal" but I try to go back to functioning.  Whatever that is...

There are some hard parts to IVF/Infertility/ Fertility...  The funny thing is, I thought that shots would be the hardest.  Honestly, I overcame that fear on our very first cycle, or maybe even before that when I was getting my blood drawn at the Ob's office.  I don't even think that the shots suck anymore.  they are just necessary.  So I do them and keep going.  The Egg retrieval doesn't even bother me.  The first time we had one I think that I stayed up all night.  After that... it was just something that had to be done.  The out come of the shots if you will.  The most stressful part to me is after the Eggs come out and the before they come back in... the growing of the Embryos.  You have so many come out, but only about half that make it.  And we have NEVER had so many make it than this time.  4 made it.  4.  Now we only have 2 left, but 4.  And then the hardest part is when you get the BFN.  

Even though I have been told that there is no reason that I shouldn't be pregnant I sit here still not pregnant.  And I sit here after the BFN and I think that there is still something wrong with me, as to why I can't get pregnant.  I think that it is natural to think this.  I'd like to think that I can get over this quickly.  But, it is pretty hard.  My mind won't settle, so it makes down time a little hard.  

When my mind is not going a million miles a minute it wants to break down.  I can't sit and read (even though it is one of my great joys...) because it allows my mind to slow and just focus on one thing.  I have a pile of books that I was supposed to read 2 years ago.  I just can't.  When I am driving in the car I have to make sure that the radio is on and I am focusing on it and where I am going, because if I stop my mind will allow the emotions to the front.  

So, to shut all of what my mind has stored in there I have been researching and googling and trying to find out where I can get a dog or puppy.  Crazy I know.  But when Ollie our cat was a baby he need cuddles and love and taught and my mind didn't think about things.  I wish that I could just defeat my thoughts. 

Being cranky this past week as been easy and settling.  Sometimes that is all it takes to be able to put 2 feet on the ground and keep on going.  Next week I will not be doing the whole bitch thing.  I'll be back to "normal" whatever that is.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017


I will put it all out there.

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Today's Beta test confirmed what I already knew, we are not pregnant.  I thought that I was pregnant until Saturday.  Saturday I started to spot.  I thought that it was just a part of it and I was still trying to hold onto hope, but hope is hard when you are grasping for it.  Yesterday it was almost a full bleeding and today it was.  I didn't even want to go this morning.  But, you can't cancel, you have to take the test.  

I allowed and always will allow myself 1 hour of cry time.  I got a little extra 15 minutes, because one of my co-workers brought me flowers at the end of the day.  All of my co-workers are great.  They are like my 2nd family.  I cannot thank them enough!  I only allow 1 hour of cry time because if I go longer I will go all day and I won't be able to stop.  I have to pick myself up, so I just let it happen for an hour.  

How can perfect Embryos not stick?  Please give me that magic answer.  Shady Grove will not transfer any Embryos that do not receive top notes, they won't freeze them either.  So, I am thinking that my uterus needs some work.  I have been googling like crazy, in between helping clients.  I found this procedure that is called an Endometrium Scratch.  They do it in woman who have had failed IVF's and transfers but have high quality Embryos.  I am scared that my clinic will not allow it.  There is also PGS testing, that costs $2000 and it can destroy the Embryos that we have.  I don't like that option.  There is also something called intralids.  It is supposed to make your uterus lining ready for transfer.  We will see what is chosen.

My mind is going a million miles a minute.  I want to eat sushi and drink tea.  (I had a little bit of Mt. Dew after they called me and said that it failed and it about made me vomit.)  I have decided that I am going to continue to try and lose weight.  I lost 7lbs, So I am just going to keep going.  I think that this will help.  

This is heart breaking.  I cannot hide this fact.  But, I still believe that this will work.  I just think that we have to keep trying.  We have to keep figuring this out.  I want to try all things and exhaust all options.  I want to be able to carry my own baby, so until someone tells me that I can't do that. I want to try that.  So, I have to focus on what's next.  The next steps.  I have to find it.  

I still wish you love and baby dust.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Menopur is no joke

Injections themselves are nothing to be taken lightly, but Menopur is a beast.  It stings and it hurts and I am not a fan.  But, my body likes it and it works.  For all my prayer and good juju warriors Thank You so much.  Because this seems to be really working.  

I have to say that I really feel different this IVF cycle.  I feel like I am at a place that know what they are doing.  They aren't guessing at things.  This isn't something that they are just trying.  I felt like everything in Charlotesville was just something to "try."  I'm still bitter over that.  I just feel like they were uninterested in me, I didn't have anything preventing me from being pregnant so I was a lost cause.

Now the next stages in this process, I am not sure how I will work out.  One of the shots I have to do in the morning.  And then I will start vaginal inserts that I have read that have to be morning, lunch, and night.  Um, when do I have time for that?  I guess Ill find time.  On the go?  I am not going to worry about that until its here.

It is funny to see how people are in different stages of their life.  A year ago I feel like I was in a different stage than I am now, but then some days I feel like I am in the same stage of my life.  How long will this stage take?  And Why am I putting age limits on any stage?  That is just what I do I guess.

When I went to the Dr's office yesterday, my follicles were already measuring and they aren't supposed to be.  I just I like to be ahead.  My estrogen levels measured good too.  I am doing good.  And I feel pretty good too.  I am not emotional.  Just tired, I have to be up at 6am or earlier to get to the appointments.  I am not a morning person.  So prayers and juju for that would be great.  Infact last night I feel asleep at 8pm, needless to say Mischa was not happy about that.  I was back to sleep by 10ish pm.  

Well, time to get ready for work.  Lots of love and baby dust!

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Wake me Up


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I am not a Green Day fan, but since this is the last day of September, I thought that this was appropriate.  This was THE longest September that I have had in a long time.  I was pretty much on Birth Control Pills (BCP) the entire month.  Which in the land of OZ pretty much sucks.  (More on that later.)  Abby our beloved Boxer had to have ACL surgery this month.  Which on the suck meter sucked pretty bad.  Poor girl has had a lot of trouble getting comfy and sleeping since then.  Lots of sleepless night.  I wish that I could give her a sedative at night, so that she could relax and sleep.  Mischa and I have been taking turns sleeping on the couch with her.  And it was really great last weekend when she stayed the night at my parents house.  I know that they didn't get much sleep, but we did and for that I am thankful.

I missed my first baseline appointment.  I'm not sure if it was them or me.  But I was sure that that appointment was on Friday the 29th, not Thursday.  Also I made an appointment Thursday morning, and the receptionist didn't say anything to me.  I have decided that I really don't like receptionist and I hope that I don't have to talk to her much other than having to make appointments, she seems kindof dumb and a little spaced out.  

I went to my appointment on Friday, but this also caused another day of BCP.  So I had to go and get a refill for one pill.  I would be okay with BCP if I could control myself and if I could not get cysts from them.  But, everytime that I go on them, I get a cyst.  So, I have lots of follicles, but I have a cyst.  Lucky for me, my blood work came back fine.. meaning that it is not an estrogen producing cyst.  So I am clear to start shots on Monday.  Shot Central Station is pulling in for a landing.  

Since being on BCP all I want to do is eat.  I have to always tell myself that I am not actually hungry, but it never fails and I just give in.  I am not sure what side effect this is, but I don't like it.  My face is always all broke out.  I am not sure why Doctor's put you on  BCP to clear your face, because it NEVER does mine.  

October is my favorite time of year.  If it could stay October all year, I would keep it.  I don't want to live anywhere where there isn't a fall or an October.  I am determined that we will enjoy all of October this year.  Mischa and I saw the IT movie the other day, which I am shocked that he wanted to go to, because he doesn't like those movies.  But, it was good.  And there was a preview for the new "Saw" movie "Jigsaw."  I was hoping that he would say that he wanted to go to that with me.  But, he shook his head no.  That's okay my mom will go with me.  
Well for now I leave you with love and baby dust!  I need lots and lots of baby dust.  Which you can order and send me if you would like... Just a thought!

Monday, September 11, 2017

Bills, Insurance, and Appointments

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Last week at work I received an email from my IVF clinic.  I get a lot of emails from them... they love to email.  I hate it, I wish they would call or text me.  Anyways:  It was from the billing lady and in the highlight section is said that I owed $2650, before any of my IVF could start.  I had a mini- panic attack.  Everything is supposed to be covered.  I read the email twice to make sure that I wasn't missing anything before I responded.  I simply stated that everything was supposed to be covered because of the testing that we had done, and that I did't understand the charge.  One thing is for sure, with all their emails they are quick to return them.  So in the email back she asked if we were doing PGS testing on the embryos, I explained that because all other testing came back okay, we decided that we would not test the embryos.  Then she sent back an email apologizing, she hadn't talked to our nurse and was just giving us that price.  She said that I only would owe $100.  Which I didn't think that I owed, but she said that it was a deductible.  That I can handle.  I don't think that I should have to play that.  But, it is better than $2650 so I will take it.  

Our insurance is really good.  I am very thankful for that.  I don't know if we would have been able to do another cycle if our insurance was different.  The debt is really high.  But, anything is worth it for a baby!

I have an appointment on Thursday.  This will be the first time that I drive to the clinic on my own.  I still have to use GPS, but I'll get there.  They are going to do a mock transfer.  I'd love if they could just sedate me for this, but I will be awake.  I do try to take a few Tylenol before hand.  This is a simple procedure, but my uterus contracts a lot.  After that I won't have any appointments until the 29th.  Then is is on like donkey kong.  

I have been pretty good on BC so far.  The only thing that I have is I get hot, and really thirsty.  My skin has heat rash bumps on my face, and my poor lips are chapped.  I am hoping that they don't make me take them longer than 21 days.  I have also been trying to be quiet more than normal, because being mean is something that I really do while on BCP.  

I can't wait until all this is over and I have my baby in my arms.  I dream of that often.  I am also trying to keep the faith and stop thinking that this is happening because of something that I have done wrong in God's eyes.  I am just hoping that this will all work out.  That our baby will choose us.  So for now, Love and baby dust!  

Thursday, September 7, 2017

BCP Day One

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Welcome, Welcome... To day one of a 21 day cycle.  Or rather I really don't know how long this will last.  I have been instructed to take my BCP (Birth Control Pills) at night, because they make me crazy.  How exciting.  Damn!

Shady Grove makes you take all these online courses.  Today we had a course on the entire process.  Which is very informative, but there was one thing...  Elective Termination on multiples.  Pump.  The. Breaks.  Mischa and I had to pause the video.  My heart broke.  To think that you went all this way, and you ended up with more than 2 babies, so you "Terminate" one, how do you pick?  Then you are very likely to lose the other babies.  I understand that the risks are very high.  But, I am not sure that when I finally get pregnant I could pick one to Terminate.  The video goes on to explain how this is done, by injecting potassium into the embryo.. or by that point fetus.  I just can't.

I don't care what side of the coin you are on, but I just can't.  To think that you get to that part and they want you to just get rid of one.  How does anyone decide this?  

So much is changing with this Fertility clinic, I will be on BCP for 21 days.  I was never on it that long before.  Also I don't see where I will have any PIO (Progesterone in Oil Shots).  I don't see where they will be ordered or in the schedule that is sent to me.  I also have to take a lot of things on my own.  The nurse will order my meds, but I have to contact the pharmacy for payment and delivery.  The other pharmacy contacted me before, so this is really weird.  I don't even know that pharmacy that I am supposed to contact.  Our insurance controls it all.  

I am less nervous.  Even though that video was pretty scarring.  They pretty much tell you everything that can go wrong, and then that you can get a baby out of it.  One of the other things that I am worried about: Our baby has a higher percentage of being born early and with a low birth weight.  Dang it.  Those are things that I don't want.  But, I guess I really don't have a choice over that part.

I am not going to worry.  I am going to try and get through this and be positive about it.  I told many people today that I get to be "normal" for 21 more days... or until the 29th.  But, really that isn't true.  I have a mock embryo transfer scheduled for next week.  And then I think that I have to schedule a few more things.  I have to schedule this.  Which is weird, it was all done for me last time.  What if I forget?  What if I miss something?  I just wish the nurse would do it for me.  It's time to put on the big girl pants on and deal with it!  Love and Baby Dust!

Saturday, September 2, 2017


I had an entire blog written and at the advise of Mischa, I deleted it.  

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Dreaming of babies is something that happens more days then I know of.  And the beginning of a cycle is no different, but often intensifies it.  I feel bad because I keep talking about the same things, but often I don't have anything new to add.  I don't want to just leave my blog.  I feel like I have helped so many people. But, I am leaving facebook.  But, not for the reasons that people think.  

I am leaving because I cannot take seeing another pregnancy announcement without being told first.  And I am not saying that I have to be called.  But a simple private message would be okay.  Doing, this one simple thing gives me time to prepare.  To cry if I need to, to figure out how I want to proceed.  It's just simple.  Most of them time, it allows me enough time to become normal again.  

People forget you, they move on.  It's okay.  I get it.  I understand.  I forget a lot too.  I'd like to remember everything that I need to at one time, but I just can't.  

I can't see the good in some people anymore.  I can't find a simple way to forgive them.  But, you know what that is really okay.  

I am a jumbled mess. So, one last thing.  I'll be bloggin and Insta-gramming.  I will only post these on facebook.  Other wise, it is deleted on my phone.  I hope that baby dust finds it way to me.  Because I need a lot of it!!!!!

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Good Morning

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I realized that I forgot to give an update after going to the new RE's office.  I'm sorry.  Sometimes (more than sometimes) I forget.  

Back Story:
(I am going to here on out call everything down in Charlottesville, Chalottesville.  I can't keep up and know that there is a difference between it all, but since I more than likely will not be talking much about them anymore, I feel no need to be correct. )
When I went to Charlottesville, I felt like a deer in headlights.  Everything was new.  I didn't follow any blogs, Instagrams, or Facebook Groups.  I only had my own blog and I spent my time between it and google trying to find as much information as we went along.  I feel duped.  Basically the entire first cycle was a failure from beginning to end.  I have come to terms with that.  As heart breaking as it sounds, that is how it is.  
While waiting for the 2nd cycle, I tried to eat better, move more and get more sleep.  When I was stiming (that is what they call taking the injections and getting ready for the Egg retrieval) I had a bought with food poisoning in which I could only hold down crackers and ginger ale.  And then after that I was just sick for a while.  I also found the Instagram community and more and more things to learn.  I went into our 2nd IVF with more questions (which Charlottesville NEVER answered) and more knowledge.  It still failed.  I was pissed, because this one was not set up that way.  It has taken a lot to over come that.  

Like I said it has taken a while to over come failing that 2nd time.  We made perfect Embryos, and yet Charlottesville still couldn't and can't tell us why nothing worked.  I really think that they NEVER had any interest in getting me pregnant.  If you think about it, they don't have Infertility in their title at all.  Or maybe I am just really bitter, the world may never know.  We stopped all Medications and everything in December of 2016.  I waited to make any moves or call until June 2017.  6 months of trying to figure out what I am going to do.  6 months of trying to make myself better.  6 months of wait.
Dr. Garde is my new RE and I go to Shady Grove.  They look over everything.  The first meeting consult was just that.  And then we were off the the races of testing.  Lots and Lots.  They test everything.  And I mean everything.  And they want to know EVERYTHING.  Charlottesville just does basic testing.  We learned that, when we went there on Tuesday.  Dr. Garde "thinks" that when they saw that I had so many follicles that they were not interested in testing me for low egg reserve, which by the way I now know that I do not have.  Dr. Garde said that they also put me on suppression protocol.  Which I did't know until she said that.  I didn't know a lot until she said any of those things.  But, she tells you all of it.  They are super transparent.  I also learned that Shady Grove will not transfer any embryos that are not what they should be.  So the first cycle, they would have not put the embryos in.  And she asked why they would do that?  I still don't know.  I hate saying that I don't know.  Makes me feel dumb.

All my testing came back normal.  I look good.  Mischa's came back a little better than before.  But, we still have to do IVF.  That hasn't changed.  Just how long we do it and what we were doing.  Dr. Garde asked me again why I was only on egg stimulation meds for 5 days.  I said that I don't know.  Well I will be on them longer than 5 days this time around.  Oh man.  So we start all of this when my natural cycle comes.  With a possible retrieval at the end of September.  I am getting pretty excited. 

So in advance I would like to apologize for being cranky on any of the meds when they start.  I can't help it.  I also pray that I don't get sick.  Because the meds that I am going to be on combined with how many follicles that I have can make me really sick.  Pray that this brings my baby home, and this change is all that we need.  So for now, love and baby dust.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Will I ever be a mom?

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There are days that I wake up and feel like I can conquer the world.  Then there are days like today when I feel like I breathe fire and can tear down the world.  I think about becoming a mom, almost too much.  But, I try really hard not to let it affect everything.  However, this week it has almost consumed me in its flames.

(Yes lots of dragon references today, I feel like Daenearys, that I will just be the mother of Dragons ((dogs and a cat that thinks he is a dog)).. I'll just go with it.)  I have been having these terrible dreams.  I will wake up in the middle of the night and think that I am done dreaming only to go back to sleep and dream again.  They are mainly about pregnancy and miscarriage.  And the scare the hell out of me.  

Other than not being a mom, I think that my 2nd most fear is having a miscarriage.  I follow many Instagram ladies that have had them, and I wonder if I am strong enough to handle them.  Can I pick back up and move on.  Because my dreams are consumed of them, I worry that is my fate.  

I look around at different people and wonder where our baby is.  I wonder what he or she will look like.  I wonder what the Dr. is going to say at our follow up meeting.  I always prepare for the worst.  Like when we were down in UVA/ Martha Jefferson and we met with that Dr. and he told us that we made perfect embryos... I lost it.  Then why didn't they stick.  Why didn't they stay?  What am I doing so wrong?  Nothing was answered.  I am hopeful that this clinic will answer my questions.  I think that will all the testing that they are requiring and how particular they are being they will have different answers.  

I also thought about this 3rd cycle.  I have hopes, because of the new insurance with Mischa's new job I don't have to worry about this being our last try.  I no longer have that hanging over my head.  I know that is a sore spot for many.  I understand the hate that comes with that.  But, please remember that I am still about 24k in debt from the previous cycles.  I thought also about being even more private in this cycle.  Maybe just not saying anything.  I can't decide on this part.  

We were at Otakon this weekend.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it is Anime on steroids.  In recent years they have added more things, like the have Disney Princesses cause lots of people dress as them, and they have started adding comics and more pop culture.  If you like to people watch, you can get a good spot and just watch all day.  I try not to people watch too much, but I do enjoy it.  In recent years people have been bringing their kids.  When Mischa and I first started going they were few and fair between.  Now there are a lot more kids, and this year I saw babies.  Like baby babies.  I have often wondered what Mischa and I would do when we had babies.  What it would look like when we went to places like this or Busch Gardens.  It wasn't until this weekend that I realized that this is normal for these kids and babies and it could be that way for ours too.  I know many people that don't take their kids to many places.  They stop normal life until their kids are old enough.  And I am not saying that kiddos can go every where.  But, they can go to places.  I mean I am not going to take my baby to the movies, but I can take him other places.  

You have to live life.  You have to teach kids and babies that there are life experiences and you have to go out and see them.  I still wonder if I will ever be a mom.  I wonder if Dog mom is the only thing that will be in my being.  I also wonder if I can be happy with that.  I have lots to wonder.  Wowza.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Dear Baby Stine (Life)

Image result for life isn't always beautiful gary allan

Dear Baby Stine;

I wanted to write to you about some things in life, because last night I couldn't sleep thinking about them.  I may have wrote to you about these things before but, never-the-less  I think that I needed to say it again to you.  I want to first tell you about the song that inspired this; "Life isn't always beautiful" by Gary Allen.  Let me tell you a little bit about it.  First, your Dad will probably never hear this song, only because he doesn't like country music.. I hope to instill a love of all music in you; its how your dad and I connected.  Second; Gary Allen wrote this song after his wife died.  I know that this is a hard topic, but I think that the song is very important.  It is the meaning on the song that makes it great.  "Life isn't always beautiful; but it's a beautiful ride."

Life: your state of being.  When I was 14, a freshman in high school, I though a little bit about life after high school.  I did okay in school, but I wasn't the best.  During the summer between freshman and sophomore year, I decided that I wanted to go to college and become a teacher.  That is when I developed a plan, I would press really hard to get the best grades I could, graduate from high school and then go right into college.   Become a teacher at 21, get married at 23 and have babies and life happily ever after.  Please pump the breaks right here; life does not work that way.

Oh baby; life will work.  Your mom made some dumb mistakes during that sophomore year.  I dated a boy (not your Dad), that said college was for dummies and I didn't need it.  (This should have been where I let my many watchings of Matilda kick in. This is a movie that you will watch.  Miss Honey is having a conversation with Matilda's parents about her being smart and that they needed to start on the path to college.  The Wormwood's ((Matilda's Parents)) insult Miss Honey by saying that a girl like Matilda doesn't need college because she has looks.  Miss Honey talks about them needing Dr's and Lawyers that would be college educated.. you get it).  I went back to being so so in school.  It wasn't until I broke up with this dude and started dating your Dad that I realized the errors of my ways and it was a little late.  Then I couldn't get into a 4 year school.  I really had to work hard, basically I had to get my associates degree.  And then I didn't graduate from college until I was 24.  And I didn't get married until I was 26.  And I will still working on you.  

What I am saying is it will work.  You just have to keep working at it.  I have to tell myself that all the time.  But, what I am also trying to tell you is: don't let a single person get in the way of your dreams and goals.  Make the dream and goal and go after it.  That is your life, not theirs.  If they love you they are going to help you get there.  That is how you know what love truly is.  And it doesn't have to be romantic love, it can be friendship love or any kind of love.  People who love you see you through.

Baby one more thing: talking about people who love you.  Blood does not ALWAYS equal love.  (I will love you no matter what, I promise!)  There will come a time where you find people in your life who will do something that is so kind and you didn't realize that they loved you, or even thought about you.  There will also be family that will act as your family and then they will turn a blind eye to you.  There will be family that will shock you, don't forget them.  People will pick you up when you are down, they are not always your family.  People will kick you when you are down, they can be your family.  I learned all this way too late.  I have a trusting heart.  I trust people not hurt me and then they do.  They really do.  I am sure that you will meet some of the people that I am talking about.  I will tell you.  I will tell you about friends that your Mom has that did a great act of kindness and told me about their babies before I just had to find out on facebook.  I will tell you about one family member that did the same thing, and how wonderful it was to know.  I will tell you about the family that just let you find out the hard way.  I will tell you how the have no regard for your feelings.  

Life: what a beautiful thing.
 Image result for life isn't always beautiful gary allan

Sunday, July 23, 2017


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Sometimes it is the little things the people do that make all the difference.  I never knew how much I would appreciate little acts of kindness until I went through this journey to my baby.  

Many people don't understand what it is like to open up facebook or any other form of social media and see something that brings you joy and pain all at the same time.  This is exactly what happens when I open up facebook or the like and see a baby announcement.  It is hardest when it comes from someone in my family.  Because, I think that they could tell me.  You don't have to call me.  A message or text will do.  But, they don't.  

I don't want to dwell on the above topic.  It is something that I feel like I could on about for days.  I could also talk about how family is really not there for you.  And how I am realizing that family is not about blood, it is about the people that you decide are a part of it.  I want to talk about something else other than being upset.

I have had some really kind people this year tell me that they are pregnant before I had to figure it out.  I cannot say how much that means to me.  It is probably the nicest thing that you can do for me.  I cannot thank you enough for thinking of me.  No matter how it is that you came to your baby, any step can be hard; I am rooting for you.  And I am in your corner!!!


As you know Mischa and I switched IVF clinics.  Not only because we believe that Martha Jefferson (MJ)/ UVA had no interest in us being pregnant, but because his new job covers IVF.  Even though this has me in a wreck; I am really happy about it.  I got to thinking... This place has fertility in the title.  MJ does not.  Sure is has "Reproductive" in the title, but they really didn't get to the bottom of why I can't reproduce.  

As I have said before when we met with the Dr she asked so many questions.  Ones that I didn't have many answers to.  I really thought that I knew all there was to this.  I found out that I really don't.  The protocols that MJ had me on where to suppress my system.  Which makes no sense unless I have a low egg reserve.  Which to my knowledge I don't.  But, I really don't know if MJ tested me for that.  I will find out when I go back to the new place and they go over all of our options.  But they are testing for everything.  They are recommending that Mischa have a Kerrotype test.  We were never asked to do this before.  Also once we make embryos they want to do testing on them as well.  It was suggested that MJ wanted to test our embryos, but he said that we made perfect ones so we should just go ahead that do another FET.  

I don't want to get into "Hot Topics" but all this testing sounds really great, if they can tell me why it didn't work.  Because I feel like such a fool sometimes.  I feel like when my OB said go to MJ or Shady Grove I should have picked Shady Grove.  But, I didn't.  I feel like I wasted a year.  A year that I could have had a baby.  Come this October if I would have done something different I could have a 1 year old.  This could all be over.  I could stop feeling so bad for myself.  But, I picked something else.  I regret it.

End of Update.


As I sit here in the quiet of my thoughts, I realize that I blinked and 2017 is almost over.  It has been pretty rough.  This journey has brought a lot of heartache and sadness.  It has brought a lot of things.  It is hard not to shut everyone out and try and protect myself.  Especially when you feel like people lie to you.  I feel like that a lot.  More often then I would like to say.  If you have a friend or family member that is going through this process I have some tips for you:
1. Be honest.  Don't say one thing because that is what you think that they want to here.  More times than not, it isn't what they want to hear.  They wanna here the truth, because when they find out the lie, then they think that you are lying about everything.
2. Be kind.  Any little act will do.  If we can be one of the first few to find out your are pregnant, that is the most kind thing you can do.  If we don't have to find out through social media even better.
3. Spend time with us.  We aren't freaks.  We aren't some weird science experiment.  And we don't talk about this 24/7.  Spending time with us helps us not think about what is going on all the time.
4. Check in.  Once in a while ask the person how they are doing.  I promise it is not always so heavy.  
5. NEVER EVER NO MATER WHAT begin a sentence with "We weren't even trying."  This is a nail in the coffin, seal the deal, I am never talking to you again sentence.  I know that this requires some thought.  But, I don't want to hear about how easy it was for you to get pregnant.  Because, lets face it, it is not easy for me.

There are many more things that I can say.  

But, that is for another time.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Hazel Eyes

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I have been thinking, thinking, and EVEN more thinking.  And yet I feel like I have nothing to say.  Or maybe I have a lot to say.  IVF take 3 is taking it's time on me and it hasn't even begun.  The entire UVA/Martha Jefferson has me in such an up roar, that sometimes I cannot think straight.  I'm not sure how one place can just ignore you.  How, they don't send your records, and then bill you for something that your insurance covered and paid.  I will never get it.

I have been thinking about the point in all of this.  A period comes at the end of the sentence and it has to be time to end this part of it.  A lady that I follow on Instagram has come to the end of her IVF journey.  The cannot afford or emotionally afford to go on the journey any longer, my heart breaks for them.  I always wonder what that will look like for Mischa and Me.  It can look different, and I am not saying that we are at the end.  I just wonder.  Anyways..
I wonder sometimes what I am doing.  What is my purpose.  I think that sharing my story and awareness is one, but there has to be others.

I was talking to a friend about the "Infertility Club" as we have named it; we were talking about how different people have tired to connect with us over this.  How these people want to be a part of this club.  All I could say/ask.. Why do you want to be a part of this club?  Trust me, that answer should be NO!  This is not something that I WANT to bond with you over.  If we happen to share this, then okay, we can bond.  But, don't make shit up in order to talk to me and then try and bond.  I am not okay with this.  

I am not okay with being a made a fool.  I am not okay with people asking me things, because they think that something is wrong and that I will know.  I am not a doctor.  I can't tell you what is wrong.  And don't assume that because you have been trying that something is wrong.  I have been trying to make my baby for 5 years.  That is a long time.  I could have a 4 or 5 year old right now.  I have a 5 year old boxer, that I thought would grow up with my 2 legged child.  This is not the case.  I had to fight for all of this.  I had to find a doctor that would stop looking just at me, and I have had to pay and am still paying about 24k for all of this.  I didn't that I was made, but I guess that I am.  

In those 5 years I have learned a lot.  You will learn a lot.  You will do things that you NEVER thought possible.  You will do things that you NEVER thought possible.  You can find God or leave him.  You can become closer to your spouse or not ( I am closer to him, just in case you were curious.)  You will depend on strangers.  You will become friends with people, and then unfriend people.  You will do a lot.  


Trust me when I say that you DON'T want to be a part of this club, that you don't.  You don't want to explain to people that you are not a mom because your babies are in heaven (Disclaimer: I believe that about my Embryos, you don't have to.  That is just my choice.)  You don't want to tell people that you just meet that you got up this morning and made a trip to an IVF clinic, all before most people get out of bed.  When I say that you don't you don't.  You don't want you friends to feel sorry for you (but you are thankful, that they are and they pray for you.)  You don't want this.  You really don't want this.

So while my ball of nerves are working... Pray for me or whatever you send in happy thoughts do that too.  Cause I am a mess.  And the ball is at the top of the MT and I am about to get crushed.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Ponders of the Wonders

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I want to first say that;  I am on this weird spiritual journey.  Before, I didn't think of myself as spiritual, nor did I think that I would become closer to God, however here I am.  And, 2nd I know that many do not believe/ or think that God has a hand in this.  I am sorry if you don't feel that way.  I am also sorry if I offend you.  Now, moving on.

I wanted to give a little update.  I don't really have much to go on.  I have been bouncing around to different doctors in the past two weeks.  I really hate them.  No offense, but it is NOT my favorite place to be.  I had a recheck at the Dermatologists office... I am starting to hate going there.  My skin is clearing up, but I spend maybe 10 minutes with her, for her to yell at me again about not using hand sanitizes, then she gives me some new cream, and off I am again for another 2 months.  I don't like weather I hate the 10 minutes, or I hate the new medications more.  Good news is the next appointment I will be able to break free and only have to see her once a year, unless I need a refill.  The other thing is, I really didn't care that my skin was breaking out.  I was more worried about my hair falling out.  And now that that has stopped, I don't feel the need to come at all.  But, I will keep going.  
I also went to the eye doctor.  Which was fun.  My eye doctor is an older guy that has been in town for a long time.  He loves to shoot the shit.  So, I bring Mischa with me, and they talk, and I just focus on my eyes.  I am more blind than last time, and I finally got my eyes dilated.. I have a detached/ floating Retina.  So, how he explains it to me.  You do nothing, until you get in a fight with one of your friends at a bar and you decide to Jello wrestle, and I get knocked in the head really hard and see flashing lights.  Then I have to go to the emergency room, for them to laser my eye back together.  I laughed so hard, my bar days are over, and I hate Jello.  But, you know what I will remember that.  So, I guess his job is done.

So I had my first blood drawl with the new Fertility clinic today.  Wasn't that bad, but the nurse that made my appointment forgot to tell me that I was going to have an internal sonogram.  My text with Mischa after the appointment went something like this, "Had my first appointment with Dilly today." I really have to laugh at this.  This new place really has these rooms set up.  All the supplies are sitting on the counter.  Pads, tampons, whips, you name it, its there.  I should have brought my phone back to photograph.  But I was a little nervous this time around and left it with my mom in the waiting room.  This place also runs like a well oiled machine, not like UVA.  It is also pretty bad when your Eye Doctor tells you not to use UVA; for anything.  Now, I can't say that they are all bad.  When my Pappy had trouble with his gallbladder they saved his life.  And around this area you can't escape them.  You have to go more north in order too.  So, what can you do?  

Anyways:  I really want to thank all of you for the love and support that you have given me over the past 3 years.  From encouraging me to switch OB/Gyn's to all the positive energy that you have given to me.  It really makes doing this a lot easier.  I am really greatful!  Now, get off of here and enjoy the birth of America!!!  Love, Baby Dust, and Lots of Fireworks!!!

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Take 3

Image result for the scientist by coldplay

I want to first begin by saying that I NEVER knew that I liked Coldplay until I couldn't get this song out of my head.  Please don't quiz me on Coldplay songs or try to get me to sing them, because I probably don't know the words.

I have waited a long time to look back into IVF/ Fertility treatments, since stopping things in December and not being pregnant yet again, I wanted to be done with it all, and I wanted to push it all out of my mind as far as I could get it.  You could say that I have been living somewhat of a "normal" life since December.  To be honest I don't remember what normal life was like.  I got to watch Hockey like a crazy fan, I got to pretend that we were just a normal couple who decided to wait to have kids.  It was bliss.  It was all a lie.  But, that is okay... it is the one lie that I enjoyed for a little while.

I am not sure if I have said this, but I am getting more proud of myself.  I keep meeting new people and not telling them about IVF.  It used to come out like word vomit.  So now that I it doesn't, and I can control it a little bit better I am really relieved about it.  (So..I use the phrase "Word Vomit" a lot.. I realized that you might not know where this is from.  Please watch the move "Mean Girls" then you will know :)  Trust me, it is really funny.  And at that time it was pretty accurate on how clicks were.)

I think that I have been trying to pretend that I don't need IVF or fertility treatments.  As we all know this is not the case.  I went and talked (one time, cause I didn't like her) the a counselor.  She made a few good points, but she wanted to coach me and not counsel me.  The one point that she made was that she felt like I was trying to convince the world, of what I cannot convince myself.  Science is just that, and we have come a long why with it.  But, there is still so much further to go.  A lot of Doctors will NEVER look at the male side of infertility.  Trust me this is not just a female thing.  But, that is a fight that I cannot take on my own, I need to stick with what I can do.  

So let me go back to the beginning...
The Hubs will now be referred to as Mischa (if you watch the American's you will know where this is from, if you are not watching the American's you don't know what you are missing), I know what this is close to his real name, but I am not super creative here.  
In December after begging and pleading I finally got UVA to send us to a specialist.  Stephanie, one of the nurses that I like, said that we hope to see you soon, and I explained that Mischa was getting a new job, and that we had to go where the insurance told us.  She really thought that we were coming back, but what she didn't know is that I had no desire to EVER set foot inside that office again.  I began to hate it.  I felt like the had no interest in getting us pregnant, and all they wanted was money.  I remember looking around the office one day, on the day that I was running late and so were they... several woman were sitting in the office.  I tried really hard not to look around a judge, however it was harder than I thought.  I kind of got good at reading these peoples faces even though many of them I had not seen before.  I could tell which one was there for the first time, just by how hopeful she look.  I could tell from the shoe that this other lady was wearing that she was going to get pregnant with in the first or second go round.  Her shoes were super expensive, she had a key ring with a Lexus key on it, she was carrying a coach bag (it was not knock off), and lastly her hair and nails were done super nice and on trend.  I wanted to punch her.  I knew that she had lots of money and could do this process as many times as she wanted to.  And then I wanted to punch the office in the face.  I'm good at being angry.  I knew that if I had to wait any longer then I would probably become a ragging bull in a China shop.  Luckily as soon as I finished my thought, I was called back.
I am really thankful for the new job that Mischa got and the insurance that it provides.  I am also glad that I like getting a 2nd opinion, and not just because they say what I want to hear.  Because most of the time, it is better.  This time was better.

Mischa and I were super nervous when we went to Shady Grove.  For different reasons, he was worried about the cost.  I was worried about what they were going to tell me.  I knew that our new insurance provided some type of coverage for fertility, what I was worried about was that I felt like we had tried everything.  I thought that we were going to be turned down.  I was very unprepared for this meeting.  Mainly because I thought that we would be turned away.  But, this doctor was hopeful.  Her first sentence after introductions was remain hopeful, she said I know that is hard, but remain hopeful.  She said that more times than I could count.  We went through general questions, in fact many more that UVA... some of them I couldn't answer, because I just didn't know.  But, she said that her nurse would take care of what I didn't know.  Holy crap, you mean I don't have to do this all by myself?  We still don't qualify for IUI, and that is okay.  I can deal with that.  But, we can still do IVF.  We told her that we couldn't sign anything until we knew costs.  Our insurance is really picky also, so everything has to be done when they say.  But, lucky for us, this time... it will only cost us $375.  The finance lady and the receptionist were so stunned.  The Receptionist asked Mischa  what he did for a living ( I can' tell you all, sorry).  He told her, and she was like damn, never leave, he said he didn't plan on it.  We were gasping as we left the office.  We couldn't believe that it was true.  We are still in shock.  I think that we are coming to terms now.  

So, we will be going through take 3 some time in the near future.  New office, new doctor new meds... oh and they put you on prenatal vitamins that they recommend.  And I had to sign this waver that I was taking care of myself with breast self exams and ob/gyn care.  UVA never had me do any of that.  They didn't even care what vitamins that I was taking.  I feel like I am getting care, not just trying to have a baby.

So, now with renewed hope, I wish you love and baby dust!