Dear Emilia,
You are laying next to me sleeping right now, making fists like Pappy (My Grandpa) does while he sleeps and blowing bubbles in your mouth. I'd like to be screaming at the TV cause the Steelers game is on and we need to win. But, you have been fighting sleep all day, and I know that if I talk you will wake up, so I haven't made a sound. You are almost 3 months old. And I feel like these 3 months have flown by. We have hit so many mile stones since your 2 month appointment. But, I don't think that they are milestones that are counted at the doctor's office.
None of your newborn clothes fit you now. I cried when I had to put your dinosaur sleeper in a box to be put away. And all of the pants that you have are shorts, because you are long.. and just a little chunky. I still can't believe that you also had to wear premie clothes. Those are hard to find, and at times we just put you in newborn size, because we had to keep you in clothes. It has taken you almost the full 3 months to get to size 3 months. You are just our Itsy Bitsy.
Our time with breastfeeding has come to an end. I am happy that it is over. I don't think that you liked that we stopped and I was sad that you still wanted to do it. It was hard not being able to provide enough for you. I know that you would have keep going longer, but it was a matter of supply and you needing to grow. You are much happier now that you can eat more and do not have to nurse and then supplement.
You are sleeping so well at night. I don't want to jinx that, but I want to brag about it. Since about the 23rd of November you have been sleeping on average about 6 hours a night. Honestly I think that it might have come sooner, if we didn't have to wake you every 3 hours to feed. But, you sleep like a champ at night. If only you would go to sleep before 1am, your mommy is not a night owl.
One of your favorite things is to talk to a snowman that I have put up for Christmas. Every morning after you eat, you coo and smile at the snowman. I will be leaving him up for a while. You have learned to grab, which means hair. You love lights. The baby in the phone is also another favorite, but you haven't realized that it is you yet. You love to be sang to, and you love to read stories before bed. You would sleep on your tummy if you were allowed. You fight nap time like it is your job (that is from Daddy!!) You love to be talked to and you turn your head in all different directions to look around and listen to things. Regular tummy time is a struggle, but you can hold your head up on your own and you can roll to your left side, which is where I find you in the mornings if I wake up before you. Abby is your buddy, you started to recognize her. You like to grab her ears and sometimes you smile when she kisses you. Your smile is contagious.
I cannot believe that this is your first Christmas baby girl. I know that you will be spoiled this year and many years after. But, I hope that you will learn that Christmas is about love and giving and not about getting everything that you want. I hope that you will be greatful ALWAYS. I hope that you never lose the magic that Christmas is. I know that there will come a time where this is spoiled for you, but I hope that you will find it in your heart to believe and that it will stay that way for a while. I also can't wait until you know what Christmas is. I don't mind if you are into everything, but please don't knock the tree over.
In these 3 months Daddy and I have grown so in love with you. We still remark at how it all happened. We have decided that we will call you our miracle baby, but we are going to wait a while to tell you about IVF and all that jazz. We hope that we won't treat you too different, just because it took so long to get you. But, we know in our hearts that it is almost going to be impossible to do that.
Happy 3 months baby girl! And Happy 1st Christmas, may all your dreams come true, Daddy and I know ours have with you!
Love,
Mom
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
An Update.. Kind of
It is hard for me to get on here and update... Emilia has my hands and heart full. In fact as I type this I am sure that she will wake, and I will have to come back to it.
I wanted to write on some things that I have learned in the first 2 months of motherhood. And a few more things.
I was scared to have a c-section. When I learned that Emilia was breech and that she wasn't going to turn, and that my OB didn't want to turn her.. I was scared. I am here to tell you that it wasn't that bad. I would say that the worst part was the IV that I had to have, because they like to put it in the side of my wrist where the bone is. And holy shit that hurts. The pain after is not bad, just walk. Make sure you get up. If I would have been better with making the nurses giving me pain meds then I would have walked the entire unit.
Breast feeding is not all it's cracked up to be. I thought that my milk my not come in. My mom wasn't able to nurse me for long, and I didn't know if I would be able to. When Emilia was born and we did skin to skin she didn't not move towards my boob. I moved her down so that she was in between my boobs, she only cuddled and fell asleep. So, Mike and I just loved on her. When the lactation consultant came in, it was game on and not in a good way. When we finally got Emilia to latch she didn't suck. And then this lady pushed and mashed on my boobs and turned my baby all these ways. We spent hours trying. I was sore from the c-section, and I was sore from my boobs. After the lactation lady left for a peirod of time, I just cuddled my baby again. Then she came back and we were at it again. There was NOTHING coming from my boobs. I think at about 8 or 9 pm the colostrum finally came from one of my boobs. We were now on to the night nurse. All the nurses that day mashed and squeezed my boobs, I thought that it would NEVER end. Emilia had to have her blood sugar checked, because she was tiny. At about 12am, I asked the night nurse if we could give her a bottle. I just wanted to make sure that something was in my baby and her sugar kept going down. Pam (that was the night nurse and I will NEVER forget her), looked in the bassinet in our room for the formula and found out it had been taken. She asked if we had requested that, and Mike said no. We want to feed this baby. Pam went and got us some bottles, and for the first time our baby drank. I am pretty sure that I cried. And then I cried again when her blood sugar was checked and went up. If your babies blood sugar has to be checked I am warning you now that it is the worst thing to watch. And I am Thankful that Mike was there, because if he wasn't I think that I would have just cried the entire time. Also if Pam wasn't there the first night to take care of us, I think that we would have not made it. She is truly and angel. We tried so hard to breast feed Emilia. And when I say we I really mean WE. Because I would pump and Mike would give her that. In order to help her sucking one of the Peds recommended a Pacifier and was not opposed. It did help. When we went to visit the Ped, Dr. Jakeum he told us that because she was small we would need to put Emilia at the breast and then give her about an ounce of formula. We had to see another lactation consultant. She helped a lot. When we came back in a week, Emilia had not gained much, so then we had to give her high calorie formula along with breast milk. I was working and did work, but she go to so stopped up that after she gained enough weight I would just give her breast first, and then give her 2 ounces of formula. Then the trouble started... As babies grow they want more and as she grew my supply did not. I reached out to everyone, including our lactation lady at the Peds office. I took Fenugreek like it was my job. I drank water, I put her to my breast I pumped, and when I looked like I could finally give up formula, Emilia decided that nursing wasn't for her anymore. I would put her to the breast and she would suck for a little bit, and then cry. I would change sides and she would suck for a little and cry. We had a night, many of you know, that she was up from 11:30 am to 4:30 am the next day, and NOTHING made her happy. My boob made her the most mad. I gave her a bottle of breast milk and she spit it up. At 8pm I got her to sleep on me for about 45 mins, (I am guessing at this, because I was SO tired). Emilia then woke up I changed her cuddled her and tried to feed her at the breast again. She cried. I cried with her. I made her a formula bottle and she drank an ounce. Mike was on nights that day and so I just turned on music and sat on the couch with her waiting for him to come home. Emilia was up. After that I thought that when we finally go to sleep and she woke up that she would want to nurse. She did not. And then after all the fenugreek, my supply went down. I envy anyone who was able to put their baby to the breast and have them just suckle. At our 2 month visit, I told Dr. Jakeum what had been happening, but honestly I was scared to because I know that he is VERY pro breast feeding. To my surprise, he said that he was on board with stopping. We have not 100% stopped. But, we are getting close. I am sad, but at the same time like Dr. Jakeum said all the work that we have put in and with not getting more than an ounce, it is time to just cuddle and play with Emilia and feed her formula. She will be okay. I want to end this point by saying, I hate breast feeding, I don't like lactation consultants and I wish that my boobs were like cows and just flowed.
Many people say not to wake a sleeping baby... well that is not always the case. I had to set an alarm on my phone and wake Emilia every 3 hours. During the day and night. Emilia was a sleeper when she was born and really for the first month. She enjoyed sleeping. I was SO happy when I didn't have to wake her anymore. I love to watch her sleep and I LOVE to cuddle her while she is sleeping.
Babies make a LOT of laundry. Yes, my tiny baby who is still in newborn clothes makes a lot of laundry. I suggest if you are reading this and are getting ready to have a baby, to get a lot of sleepers. You will either like the zippers or snaps (I like the snaps cause her feet and bum can come out and go back in quick). Get a lot of them. ALL sizes, all materials. I also suggest baby towels. Regular towels do not work well on babies. You can't wrap them as well. And trust me that baby is going to be wet after a bath. They soak up water!!
So the suggested way of sleeping for babies is on their backs. And for the first month and a half Emilia was okay with this. Now, she wants to roll and she is really trying. But, she would rather sleep on her tummy. I HAVE NOT PUT HER THERE, just be clear. Except when she is laying on me. But, it is hard when your child wants to be sleeping one way and you can't let them sleep like that.
A final thought... many have asked about putting pictures of Emilia on social media. I wanted to address it. Early in my pregnancy, Mike and I had a conversation about sharing things on social media. I know that I have shared a bunch. But, we talked about the babies face being out there. How people are bullied on social media, criticized for the way they parent, and just people being mean. I have been on the front end of it, and I think that I may have done it. Mike and I also talked about people knowing what the baby looked like. We talked about how many of our friends and family have people on their social medias that we do not know. I brought up a point that children are stalked now on social media. And then those people know where to find a child. And so we decided that we were going to leave the baby off of social media. I know that we have done a couple of pictures, but we are trying to keep Emilia off there. I know that people are upset about it. But, that is what we feel. I am also trying to not share things as much as I used to. I know that I have shared my journey. It was long and hard. I still wake up ans stare at Emilia before she wakes, and Thank God for her. I still wake in the middle of the night and check to make sure that she is there. I enjoy the little smiles that she gives. The little "talks" we have. When I think that I have memorized all her features, she changes. I have not beat infertility. I only got the upper hand this time. My course of action doesn't work for everyone, but I hope that it gives hope to just one person. I want you to know that even though, I might not talk infertility anymore, but if you need me I am here. You can message me, you can text me. I will be here for you. Don't give up. Your family will come. It will be yours. No matter how. Adoption, 4 paws, your own child, anyway you choose it.
I will try to update every now and again. But, as I said my hands and heart are full with Emilia. So, I am slow to answer texts, emails, and messages. And I am slow to update. But, I am here, with Love and Baby Dust.
I wanted to write on some things that I have learned in the first 2 months of motherhood. And a few more things.
I was scared to have a c-section. When I learned that Emilia was breech and that she wasn't going to turn, and that my OB didn't want to turn her.. I was scared. I am here to tell you that it wasn't that bad. I would say that the worst part was the IV that I had to have, because they like to put it in the side of my wrist where the bone is. And holy shit that hurts. The pain after is not bad, just walk. Make sure you get up. If I would have been better with making the nurses giving me pain meds then I would have walked the entire unit.
Breast feeding is not all it's cracked up to be. I thought that my milk my not come in. My mom wasn't able to nurse me for long, and I didn't know if I would be able to. When Emilia was born and we did skin to skin she didn't not move towards my boob. I moved her down so that she was in between my boobs, she only cuddled and fell asleep. So, Mike and I just loved on her. When the lactation consultant came in, it was game on and not in a good way. When we finally got Emilia to latch she didn't suck. And then this lady pushed and mashed on my boobs and turned my baby all these ways. We spent hours trying. I was sore from the c-section, and I was sore from my boobs. After the lactation lady left for a peirod of time, I just cuddled my baby again. Then she came back and we were at it again. There was NOTHING coming from my boobs. I think at about 8 or 9 pm the colostrum finally came from one of my boobs. We were now on to the night nurse. All the nurses that day mashed and squeezed my boobs, I thought that it would NEVER end. Emilia had to have her blood sugar checked, because she was tiny. At about 12am, I asked the night nurse if we could give her a bottle. I just wanted to make sure that something was in my baby and her sugar kept going down. Pam (that was the night nurse and I will NEVER forget her), looked in the bassinet in our room for the formula and found out it had been taken. She asked if we had requested that, and Mike said no. We want to feed this baby. Pam went and got us some bottles, and for the first time our baby drank. I am pretty sure that I cried. And then I cried again when her blood sugar was checked and went up. If your babies blood sugar has to be checked I am warning you now that it is the worst thing to watch. And I am Thankful that Mike was there, because if he wasn't I think that I would have just cried the entire time. Also if Pam wasn't there the first night to take care of us, I think that we would have not made it. She is truly and angel. We tried so hard to breast feed Emilia. And when I say we I really mean WE. Because I would pump and Mike would give her that. In order to help her sucking one of the Peds recommended a Pacifier and was not opposed. It did help. When we went to visit the Ped, Dr. Jakeum he told us that because she was small we would need to put Emilia at the breast and then give her about an ounce of formula. We had to see another lactation consultant. She helped a lot. When we came back in a week, Emilia had not gained much, so then we had to give her high calorie formula along with breast milk. I was working and did work, but she go to so stopped up that after she gained enough weight I would just give her breast first, and then give her 2 ounces of formula. Then the trouble started... As babies grow they want more and as she grew my supply did not. I reached out to everyone, including our lactation lady at the Peds office. I took Fenugreek like it was my job. I drank water, I put her to my breast I pumped, and when I looked like I could finally give up formula, Emilia decided that nursing wasn't for her anymore. I would put her to the breast and she would suck for a little bit, and then cry. I would change sides and she would suck for a little and cry. We had a night, many of you know, that she was up from 11:30 am to 4:30 am the next day, and NOTHING made her happy. My boob made her the most mad. I gave her a bottle of breast milk and she spit it up. At 8pm I got her to sleep on me for about 45 mins, (I am guessing at this, because I was SO tired). Emilia then woke up I changed her cuddled her and tried to feed her at the breast again. She cried. I cried with her. I made her a formula bottle and she drank an ounce. Mike was on nights that day and so I just turned on music and sat on the couch with her waiting for him to come home. Emilia was up. After that I thought that when we finally go to sleep and she woke up that she would want to nurse. She did not. And then after all the fenugreek, my supply went down. I envy anyone who was able to put their baby to the breast and have them just suckle. At our 2 month visit, I told Dr. Jakeum what had been happening, but honestly I was scared to because I know that he is VERY pro breast feeding. To my surprise, he said that he was on board with stopping. We have not 100% stopped. But, we are getting close. I am sad, but at the same time like Dr. Jakeum said all the work that we have put in and with not getting more than an ounce, it is time to just cuddle and play with Emilia and feed her formula. She will be okay. I want to end this point by saying, I hate breast feeding, I don't like lactation consultants and I wish that my boobs were like cows and just flowed.
Many people say not to wake a sleeping baby... well that is not always the case. I had to set an alarm on my phone and wake Emilia every 3 hours. During the day and night. Emilia was a sleeper when she was born and really for the first month. She enjoyed sleeping. I was SO happy when I didn't have to wake her anymore. I love to watch her sleep and I LOVE to cuddle her while she is sleeping.
Babies make a LOT of laundry. Yes, my tiny baby who is still in newborn clothes makes a lot of laundry. I suggest if you are reading this and are getting ready to have a baby, to get a lot of sleepers. You will either like the zippers or snaps (I like the snaps cause her feet and bum can come out and go back in quick). Get a lot of them. ALL sizes, all materials. I also suggest baby towels. Regular towels do not work well on babies. You can't wrap them as well. And trust me that baby is going to be wet after a bath. They soak up water!!
So the suggested way of sleeping for babies is on their backs. And for the first month and a half Emilia was okay with this. Now, she wants to roll and she is really trying. But, she would rather sleep on her tummy. I HAVE NOT PUT HER THERE, just be clear. Except when she is laying on me. But, it is hard when your child wants to be sleeping one way and you can't let them sleep like that.
A final thought... many have asked about putting pictures of Emilia on social media. I wanted to address it. Early in my pregnancy, Mike and I had a conversation about sharing things on social media. I know that I have shared a bunch. But, we talked about the babies face being out there. How people are bullied on social media, criticized for the way they parent, and just people being mean. I have been on the front end of it, and I think that I may have done it. Mike and I also talked about people knowing what the baby looked like. We talked about how many of our friends and family have people on their social medias that we do not know. I brought up a point that children are stalked now on social media. And then those people know where to find a child. And so we decided that we were going to leave the baby off of social media. I know that we have done a couple of pictures, but we are trying to keep Emilia off there. I know that people are upset about it. But, that is what we feel. I am also trying to not share things as much as I used to. I know that I have shared my journey. It was long and hard. I still wake up ans stare at Emilia before she wakes, and Thank God for her. I still wake in the middle of the night and check to make sure that she is there. I enjoy the little smiles that she gives. The little "talks" we have. When I think that I have memorized all her features, she changes. I have not beat infertility. I only got the upper hand this time. My course of action doesn't work for everyone, but I hope that it gives hope to just one person. I want you to know that even though, I might not talk infertility anymore, but if you need me I am here. You can message me, you can text me. I will be here for you. Don't give up. Your family will come. It will be yours. No matter how. Adoption, 4 paws, your own child, anyway you choose it.
I will try to update every now and again. But, as I said my hands and heart are full with Emilia. So, I am slow to answer texts, emails, and messages. And I am slow to update. But, I am here, with Love and Baby Dust.
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