Wednesday, May 17, 2017


This journey can get lonely.  Even if I have taken a break from all the treatments.  Until I get pregnant, I am still in this, unless I leave it all together.  I think that people don't always know how to support those going through this, and while this might not be the way for everyone, this is a suggestion.

Listen:  Even if the person is not talking; listen to what they have to say and what they don't have to say.  Sometimes this is may take a little bit of detective work, but pay attention.  Don't think of what you are going to say next, sometimes you need to not talk about you.  Just listen.

Be there:  There is nothing more than someone needs going through this than someone to be there.  And don't just say that you will be there, make an effort to be there.

Related image

Stress:  It's pretty high.  We need a lot of things to destress us.  Sometimes we don't get to do anything that will actually help with this, because everything makes us feel stressed.  Find things that we like to do and do it with us.  We will feel better.

Sometimes I forget, okay not sometimes, ALL the time I forget what other people have gone through on their journey to their babies.  It is not because I just want to think about what is going on with me, or that I want it all to be about me.  It is because I think about so much and I forget what others have gone through.

Talking with the Hubs (which I really want to change his nickname.. that's another day) and he sees things way different from me.  I don't know if it is because I am so caught up in things, or because I just think that I see it the way I see it.  But, I only see one side of it.  And that could really be bad.

I have been keeping track of how long it has been since I have had my last shot.  In case you too are not keeping track it has been 6 months.  I didn't mean to leave it this long, but here we are, and it was about this time last year that we decided that we were going to start cycles again at the end of June after our vacation.  It is crazy to think that a lot can change in 6 months, and a lot can not.  It is also funny that when you are at different doctor's office they will ask you if you are pregnant.  In fact at the dentists office today I got asked 3 times if I was pregnant; once on paper, once by the hygienist, and lastly by the dentist.  I almost said that I would 100% tell you if I was because I would be so excited that I couldn't keep that secret from anyone.  I just brushed it aside.

I didn't want to write a blog today that would be sad.  This one was supposed to be more about making you think.  However, it seems that all I write about is being sad.  I really wish not to be sad.  I really wish that I find the peace.  I promise to stop writing blogs so late at night, because I feel like they are starting to not make sense.

I leave you with this...

Love's own tender flames warm this meeting And love's tender song you sing But fly away little pretty bird And pretty you'll always sing

Crooked Still- Pretty Bird

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mother's Day

Warning:  This blog is not about any ONE person.  This is just how I feel going into Mother's Day.

Tomorrow is the hardest day of the year, for me.  It is a reminder of what I do not have.  And boy was I reminded.  I often get people who tell me "Happy Mother's Day," and I really go on about my day, I'll say thank you and move on.  But, this year was hard.  There were many times when people would completely leave me out of the round of good wishes they were giving to others.  I get it, I don't physically have a child.  So, if you were looking that way then you would not care to wish me Happy Mother's day.  But, if you know me then you would at least try a well wish.  And I got nothing.

I am very thankful for what I do have on Mother's Day, my 4 fur babies are my happy place.  I have my mom, mother-in-law, both my grandma's and hubby's grandmas.  That is a lot of ladies to be thankful for.  And I am thankful for all of them.  I don't want anyone to ever think that I am not happy for that.  But, I am also sad, that I am not a mommy to a 2-legged puppy.  I don't get the hand made things from daycare or school.  Those are things that I miss, that I yearn for.

I have recently been told that I shut people out or I shut down when I can't make people understand me.  I thought long and hard about this.  And I think that the reason that I do that is because I try to make people understand me, and when I feel that they aren't listening to me then, I lose the effort to make the effort.  I wasn't always good at this.  In fact, I think that this is something new that I have learned.  I wouldn't call it a defense tactic.  I'd call it a learned behavior.

I also learned that I need validation, and sometimes for pretty basic stuff.  I need to know the why, because I always think that there is a why, and if i don't know that why, then I lose my freaking mind.  It is funny to know what your body is communicating when you are not even talking.  Or when you are not talking about what you think you are.  I think that this is a way of being in control.  When you have no control over a situation like this, over being pregnant and not being pregnant, you have to find a way to get in control.  It's part of my "Plan B," which I always seem to have.  But, right now there is no "Plan B."  So, I don't really know what the hell I'm doing.

The funny thing about asking for help, is when people don't think that you need help.  So, they offer you something different.  And when people don't think that you need them, they don't offer you any help at all.  I feel like I am crying out for help, and I am communicating that I need it, but I guess it goes back to the shutting down, and I can't seem to make it real.  Or make it something that people understand.  

One last thing that I learned, and I really didn't know this one AT ALL.  I have to feel justified in my career.  I didn't know that I was speaking this.  I thought that I was content.  I didn't know that I wasn't verbalizing this, or that I was verbalizing my discontent with it.  When you talk about the entire make up of a person, you have to factor in things like a job, and a home and a family.  But, when I spoke and I talked about things that I loved, my voice must have changed.  I didn't really say anything negative.  I didn't really say anything.  I just said that I worked there.  But, somehow I said that I didn't feel justified.  So, now I don't know what to do.  How do you change this, when you feel like you don't have a great skill set?  How, do you change this when you didn't know that you needed this change?

Okay, I lied... this is the last thing.  Tell every female that you see "Happy Mother's Day."  Leave it to them to correct you.  You don't know what they are going through, and you just might brighten their day.  We can all stand to be a little nicer.  

Friday, May 5, 2017

Week is OVER

I have not been more excited to have a week come to an end.  I want no re-do's thank you!  I am pretty sure that I have cried every day this week, except for today.  So I just want a weekend of fun, without having to think which emotion I need to be displaying.  I'll figure it out during the week.

I want to say thank you to anyone and everyone that have said that they are here for me.  It really means a lot to me.  I still haven't decided if I feel completely defeated yet, but all the love has helped me feel a little less.  However, this week I have never felt so much like glass in my life.  


Many of you know that we have cut out cable, we use instead Play Station view and many various forms of streaming.  When we first started using this, I was addicted to Bob's Burgers on Hulu.  I think that I watched an entire season in day.  I am not very good at watching TV like that, I wanna change the channel and watch something different, but I just couldn't change.  But, there are commercials during Hulu, and there is one where I could really shoot my TV.  The Clear Blue easy commercial... you know that one, the pretty music comes on, and the first thing the girl says is "Pregnant"  ... some one save me.

The first few times I saw it I cried.  Big, crazy sobbing tears.  Thank God, that Hubs was not home.  My Boxer came to my rescue instead.  I have to tell you that she is AMAZING with this.  But, sometimes I really get going and I freak her out.  I know that most people don't care about this commercial, some people I'm sure really like it.  But, I HATE IT.

It is funny how one thing can make you crazy, and this one really does.  Lots of things make me go crazy.  I have triggers, I never thought I would.  

I have taken the plunge to look into talking with a counselor, which honestly wasn't as easy as I thought that it would be.  I am okay, with people knowing that I am going.  You won't know when, just that I am.  I think that it will make me feel better about a lot of things.  There are things that I can't process, and I'm trying hard to help myself, but I think that I have hit a road block, and I need a little push.

I have stopped blaming myself for a lot of things, but then I place blame on a lot of other things.  If I have to take ownership on things that I have done, then I need others to do the same thing.  Who knows what this counselor will have me do.  I know that when I was working with kids, I had them doing all kinds of crazy things.  I just hope that it helps.

Sometimes I don't know that reasoning behind things that people do, and then I make up this crazy story about why they did what they did.  I also try to find a reason why I am hurt, and sometimes I believe in this fantasy that I have created.  Hubs and I have kind of swapped roles a little bit, he believes that there are so much good in others.  I think that it is all horse crap.  I think that people lie to you and hurt you and they don't think about what happens to you.  Also that people are selfish.  That is a big one.  

I have a lot of anger in me right now.  Lots.  I probably spent a good hour or more yesterday yelling at air in my house.  Then I flicked it off, and called it some more names.  My cat thought that I was crazy, I don't think that he has ever heard me be that loud.  After doing so I did not pray.  I didn't do anything.  I just kind of sat on the couch and thought "well, I don't feel any better and I am still pretty mad."  I also thought about throat punching different people.  That is my new go to.  Honestly I would probably not do it.  But, I would love to see it in action to see what it does.  Like, does someone choke?  Would it make me feel better?  After all of this I had to get ready for work.  Then I went to the movies with Hubs and his friends.  When I got home I was pretty tired and thought, okay I'm gonna sleep now.  NOT!  My dreams were pretty haunting.  I didn't even dream of punching people.  

Sometimes I am scared that those dreams are really going to come true.  The dreams that I have been having are not nice.  It is like my entire body is angry right now.  Even though I can control it.  Even my sub-conscious is pretty mad.  My teeth have started hurting, so I am sure that I am clenching my teeth at night, when I do get some sleep.  

Lastly... I don't know that I have said this, but.  When someone is struggling with Infertility I think that worst thing that you can say to that person is, "You can't do that because you feel that way."  I have heard it a few times.  The thing is I can't control a lot of things.  But, I can control what I do or how I react to a feeling.  So when someone makes a comment like that, I feel like shutting down.  I don't know that everyone going through that feels that way, but it is how I feel.  Please don't use it.  Allow the person to act however the way; because then they feel some short of control.  You are taking away the control with one sentence, that can send someone into a tail spin.  Don't be responsible for that.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

May the 4th be with you

I have had a ton of blogs that I have been working on, yet none of them seem to be the right one at the right time.  So I have been writing them down, so that I don't forget the idea instead of blogging them, mainly so that I don't forget.  

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like you were a stranger, or all alone?  Well it seems that I can do that now.  I also used to wonder how Hubs could slip out of rooms so fast and unnoticed, seems that I have learned this trick from him.  Also I really am not sure who reads these, I'm always surprised at when someone says something that I have wrote about or posted, then I know that they are listening.  

Last night was the end of my mom's group, and as I have said before I still feel like a fraud there because all my babies are in Heaven.  But, I feel a bond with these ladies, so I try to still keep going.  I also am trying to find ways to settle myself, so I have been trying to go to Church, and attend an actual service.  I haven't made it that far yet.  
As I was sitting there, for one of the first times I have felt alone.  How can someone sit beside you and they not converse with you?  There were about 3 times were I didn't feel like I was going to float away.  Once when I was asked what we would like to study next year, 2nd when someone asked me if I was okay, and I answer "No"... and then the best...

I learned that there is an IVF/Infertility support group at church.  Sign me up.  Maybe I won't be so lost?  Maybe I will find a friend that understands me and won't just leave me.  Maybe I will just learn to be and not be so angry and upset all the time.  Maybe just maybe.

There are times when I think that I need to get off this journey, when I just need to stop and say "I will not have my baby." Which is super hard and brings instant tears in my eyes and pain in my heart.  I really don't remember what life was like before IVF.  Before all the trying, before limiting diets, before hair loss, and skin issues, before tears.  Just Before.

6 years ago I believed that the hardest thing I was going to have to get through was the year of our wedding.  No even the first year of being married, just the preparation the struggle of all that.  I thought that once that was over, that the rest would come easy.  And yet here we are again, with another damn struggle! IVF is one of these things that there is no end in sight.  Unless you stop going for the treatments, and even then that is not an end.

My thoughts are jumbled today because they are just that way.  I am at this place in my life where nothing makes any sense.  I'm really not in a positive place.  The thing is if you stay in this place then I will just be there.  I will be stuck. No one wants to talk to me, their lives are still going on, and I am just here.  

I am going to leave this here, I am going to say that I am trying to find the norm.  I know that people no longer what to hear my story they are tired of it.  I know that there are people that are no longer here for me, I understand.  But, I have had a few people reach out to me.  I am thankful.  I know that I am alone, but I hope that I am changing some peoples minds.