If I could dance, my dance would be completed on a tightrope right now....
I'm not sure if it is a balancing act that I have going on, or if I just need to fall, fall hopelessly, forever and just fall.
It's funny because many people have said that my life lesson in this journey is that I will learn how to not be in control. But, honestly I think that my life lesson is much more than this. I think that I have learned many lessons in this.
Control: I have learned that there are things that I can control and some I can't. And while I enjoy being in control there are many times where I like that the control is shifted off of me and on to someone else. Even if that person is my Dr, and they aren't always communicating to me.
Take time to just be alone: Don't answer the phone. Don't talk. Just be. I find that sometimes this is the best thing ever. I am really good at doing in when I am able to take long baths. I also really like to do it on the weekends. And sometimes for the hell of it I just like to do it. I never knew that I would like this so much, until I really had to do it for myself. During an IVF cycle you are go go, and sometimes you just need to not be. I need to not be.
Phones can be stressful: Sometimes I don't want to even pick up my phone. I would love to come home and it not go off. From the time I get home from work, until I get up in the morning I would just like it to be quiet. And yet we live in this world. Honestly, from the time of 3 way calling and "Friends" used to try to get me to talk about others behinds their backs, I haven't liked talking on the phone. I really could live without it. I would probably check facebook less. Who knew that a text message could make your blood pressure go up...
I have gotten really good at explaining medical jargon, and using other words for vaginia. I wasn't sure how I would do on those things. I did work in the pharmacy for a little while, but I have really gotten better at my skills.
Putting something into your body that is not prescribed to you, even if it is food, can be stressful. I never knew that. I do think about what I am eating and why. I miss coffee and ginger ale. I am slowly missing dairy. I get tired of eating so many veggies. I have to tell people I can't have soda, alcohol, so much dairy, and trying to limit my gluten intake. I get funny looks. But, if it helps to conceive than I will do it.
I don't speak up enough. I am leaving that one there.
All and all it is about balance, something that I am not really good at. I will get there. I will either balance, or fall and fall. Love and Baby Dust!
I'm really trying to hold my meltdowns to a minimal.
I have the tendency to overthink and consume myself in anxiety over many things. But, this week has been a killer. The Hubs is in New York, on a work trip. So that leaves me with the critters and my work at home. I don't really mind that he has to go. But, sometimes I wish that he would just stay here. Anyways. I was okay most of yesterday. Then I went on lunch and that was disaster. With all the things that are going on in my life, I forget when I leave for lunch. I only get 30 minutes, so this can become a real problem. I try my hardest, but I know that I am coming back late. No, one has said anything, but I know that it might be coming. I think that I need to set a timer on my phone, but I can't even remember to do that sometimes. I go home for lunch, it is only 2 minutes from my work, and it saves some money. Plus I get to cuddle with the cat, who is pretty happy that I come home to see him. Anyways, as I am making my short drive home, there are some cars that are pulled over on the side of the road, and this lady is frantic on her cell phone. I look over and see a man slumped over on the ground. It is hotter than hell outside, and all I could think is dear God, please let him not be dead. I didn't stop, I just cried on the rest of my short drive. My heart was racing. Meltdown number one, complete.
Today, I think that I am okay. The dogs woke me up at 730, and so I took my time with getting breakfast and taking my shot. I have to give it to myself because Hubs is away. I did great Sunday, a minor freak out on Monday. Today was AWFUL. First I couldn't get the medicine out of the vial. That should have been my first clue to get another syringe, but I went with it. After getting the meds in the syringe, I couldn't get the cap back on my needle, which should have been my next clue. But, I marched on. I wanted to get it done and over with. Poke one, the needle won't go in. I tried to add some pressure, to see if it would go in my skin. Nothing. Move higher and I had to let out a little scream, that jab hurt so much and the needle won't go on. I lay there for a moment, cover my face and with a little more determination, wipe my skin with the alcohol pad and go in for another poke. The needle will not puncture my skin. At this point, I'm hot mad, and starting to melt down. So I go and put the meds back in the vial and make my way upstairs to get a new needle. The meds go right in the new syringe, with ease I might add. I lay down, wipe my belly, and poke again, needle goes right in. And the tears flow. I am lucky that I didn't get stuck with that needle somewhere else, because I put it down and just cried. Luckily my shot buddy came upstairs with me and was laying on the bed, she covered my face with hers and we just laid there. I love my boxer. I miss my husband. I cried for a good little bit, and then located my needle next to my arm, and went and put it away. My belly now has some welts and what looks like track marks. I assure you that I am not using any drugs. I decided that I needed to lay low today and not do much.
I have 3 more days that I have to give myself a shot. Then I get a break, and the hubs is back home to give them to me for a little bit. Then he will be back out again. This part is a little rough on me. I am no longer scared of the needles, I just can't seem to work the magic that he does and give myself a shot. To all of you that are able to do that on your own, I think that you are awesome and brave and you keep on doing what your doing. As for me I'm just going to have to struggle with it.
So, I really hope that I don't have a melt down tomorrow, as I'll have to go to work and function like a normal person. There is no lay low. Also, can this take your breath away heat please go away. I like all the seasons, and don't really complain. But, I love my fall and want it to come. So, with that I wish you love and baby dust.
When they say that, "Anything worth having is worth the effort (or something like that)" I can say that YES I agree. IVF is hard. It is harder to explain it to anyone. Some believe that it is magic mixed with science, others I have to explain over and over again. I don't mind, there are things that I don't understand. (For instance my RE nurse said that she wasn't calling anything in, and then she did, and she called in Vaginal Suppositories, when I am on shots?? Makes me wonder if she got the right person.)
So, I was in my first TWW (Two week wait), this one is the time after the Eggs are retrieved to the time that my body naturally has a period. I am supposed to get two weeks. I only got a week and a half, although yesterday was the 2 week mark, and I have been on shot break. It is so nice, to not have to inject daily. With a frozen cycle, it is much different. They want your body to get the IVF drugs out of your system. However, then they suppress your system, so that your hormones are all out of whack. OH and I get to take BCP (Birth control again). I am so tired of taking BCP it is not funny. You see when I was on it to begin with I never really liked it, it made me feel like crap, and then I never got Aunt Flo, when she was supposed to come anyways. So, now that I have to take it again, I am so annoyed. I think that because I'm annoyed, I add a little extra meanness to it.
These next meds, I have never been on. I am a little nervous to partake in them. I don't want to stick things up my vajayjay. And I really don't want to give myself shots. So yeah there is that.
Because my cycles are all messed up, I have been getting a lot more migraines. Yesterday I was on the couch all day, I was so hopeful to get my house cleaned and laundry done, and I couldn't even get off the couch. I tried some peppermint oil on my temples and I think that my head was too far gone. I hate migraines, they really need to stop. I am unable to do anything with them. I can't care for my dogs, and I am scared that I will get them when I have my kids, and will need someone to rescue me. I think then I will go to the Dr. and demand the medication for it. Every time I am there and ask, they won't give it to me. They say that one a month does not count for going on medication. I say that one a month and not being able to do anything until the day after should count. I will beg, especially if I have a baby to care for. I am writing this with tears streaming down my face, just thinking of how bad it was yesterday.
So that is my update, I am full of migraines and wonder. And just hopeful that our puppies stick. That these puppies decided ALREADY that hubs and I will be there mom and dad. Love and Baby Dust.
I really enjoy "reality TV." Probably a little too much. I mainly like the shows that are about different ways a living or marrying. (Tiny House Nation, Born This Way, Little People Big World, Arrange, and my FAVE Married At First Sight.) I have been watching this new show on FYI called "Teenage Newlyweds." I thought at first this show was going to be about why these kids choose to get married at such a young age. Instead, it is more like they have to get a house and get jobs, and real married stuff. Which is good. Okay, not too much to get you hooked I know. But, I thought that it was interesting.
So, there is this couple on there, they are both 20... btw. They are from California, Brenda and Travis. Travis is conservative, and Brenda is liberal. (I am generalizing here, but she is Spanish and while I wasn't sure where they are on a political standpoint, I thought that most of them were raised Catholic?? Wouldn't that mean that they are not pro-choice? Again I am generalizing, but this is what I thought.) Brenda and Travis had a pregnancy "scare" ( I really wanted to vomit at that word, but there it was, and I held the bile in,) Travis said that if Brenda choose to have an abortion or that she didn't want the baby he would take the baby and leave her. Brenda was very upset that Travis would even think of this, she wanted to go to school and have a career; "She didn't want to put her life on hold for a baby." Are you kidding me? Now, in this day and age, you are post the "16 and Pregnant" day. You have seen or heard of "Teen Mom." Why on earth would you not practice safe sex? So the couple found out that they were not pregnant. "Scare" Over!
Then in another episode they went to talk to a Preacher that was pro-choice. However, she didn't allow Travis to have any say in anything. So my question, rant, point: HERE IT IS: You married him, it's his baby and he has no choice in this? That is his baby. You have to watch Travis, he was so head over heals at the fact that they could have a baby. I am just like OMG. This guy is willing to raise a baby on his own, just to have a child.
But, this Preacher really got my thinking. Do we really leave our husbands/committed partner out of this conversation? Is this woman really saying that men do not belong in this conversation? This is where I am getting at as well. As a married woman, I would want my husband to have say in lots of aspects of my life, a child being one of them. I mean this child is a part of him and I am in the relationship with him. I don't think that this is a one sided thought at all. It is just not right that this woman would do this.
Obviously you know where I am on the entire Pro-Choice or Pro-Life thing. I am not telling anyone what to do with their body. I do think that it is so awful that woman can pay nothing to not have a child and I have to pay an arm and a leg and then some to have one. Please don't tell me that I am doing my insurance wrong. There is no coverage. But, I do think that if the costs were greater to have an abortion, than maybe people would think a lot longer and harder about having unprotected sex. I'm also not understanding why so many people think that there is this war on woman. It is not on Woman, it is more like towards woman. We want the same pay and rights as men. I personally want a job where I get just as much leave a benefits for having a baby as my husband. He gets 12 weeks, I get 6. He gets this amazing credit thing where he can put away for child care and such, and my job just helps you find reasonably priced child care. He can put the child (not me) on his insurance and not worry about it taking away from his pay, I have to worry about them taking half my paycheck for me and the kid. This is not fair. This is what we need to fight for. Woman have to work. We can't stay home (okay some of you can, I totally commend you on that, I am actually going to try and work less hours, but this will depend on if the hubs moves up some more). Alright I will stop there. I promise that the next blog will be a real update, and not just me ranting on something that I have been watching on TV.
Love and Baby Dust.
