Wednesday, March 18, 2015

It's Only March...

To be honest, I'm not sure where this switch came.  I just had a random thought and thinking about it actually makes me feel better.


It's ONLY March!!!

Since 2015 has began I have been thinking about the end of the year instead of that it is only the beginning.  I have counted the days, more like the months since 12:01 am 1/1/2015.  I need to stop, I want to stop.  So I decided to look at is this way...

There is still 9 months left in this year.  I need to stop thinking about the year being over.  It's hard but I can do it.  I'm really hopeful.  I'm looking at this as a glass half full kind of deal.  I just need to think this way.

When your mental health is in check, the rest of you can be in check as well.  It is hard to get there but you have to push, you have to find it in you to change.  I am not saying that I am depressed, but that could be a spiral that I can go down, I do not want to.  I understand that mental illness is not something that you can choose, but it is something that you can fight, I plan to fight and battle those demons.  

So I ask what makes you happy?
Hearing kids laugh
Good Friends
The beach
Sleeping in
Doing nothing
Mexican Food

Okay there is a few.  There wasn't much to this blog, I just wanted to say that I have changed my view.  I hope that people are still following me and they are not sick and tired of things that I have to say.  

By the way... It's only MARCH!

Saturday, March 7, 2015

I should not have googled that

Sometimes google is not my friend, in this case I should have left this up to chance.  (Now I'm hesitant.)

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment.  My appointment was at 4:10,but the nurse came in and asked if I would be willing to wait because Dr. M wanted to give me her undivided attention.  Umm, who wouldn't want that??  I said I don't mind.  Dr. M is very friendly, as I have mentioned before she is a small lady (now I am short, but I am taller than she is), she is African-British (Okay, I'm not sure if that is a correct term, but she is from England, which in my book gives her mad props, and makes me like her even more) and she is very talkative, she will explain everything to me and I really like that.  She came in and asked how I was doing, and I said: "I could be better, if I was pregnant." Dr. M laughed and apologized.  I told her it was okay, I was kind of used to this now, and I don't expect different anymore.  She said that I needed to be hopeful, and that I had been trying for some time, so I am probably starting to feel defeated.  Dr. M talked to me about the medication I had been taking, since November and explained that I could no longer get any more.  Dr. M asked me if I knew when I was ovulating now, I said yes I could finally tell, or maybe I had been paying more attention and then I take the ovulation test and usually get a positive answer, then we have intercourse.  (Not that you needed to know ANY of that, but that is what she asked and that is what I answered.)  Then....

(okay probably not exactly what she said, but how I remember it..)

"Well my dear we have come to a point where you have to decide what you want to do next, there are really two options and you are young so you can do them both or you can do just one, it is up to you."

(Okay, Yes!  She said I was young.  I don't feel young, and I told her this.)

"That is because everyone around here has kids when they are 18, when I worked in Maryland everyone waited to have kids and you fall into that group.  Some even waited till they were 35, but lets not wait till you're 40."

(Okay!  That really does make me feel good... I am not being sarcastic here.)

"You can keep on trying and have no further testing and see if you are pregnant by the 2 year mark in August, or longer if you like.  Or you can go and have a Hysterosalpingogram... Okay your face is telling me that you don't know what that is.  It is where dye is injected into the uterus and they can see if your tubes are blocked or your uterus is misshapen.  We recommend going down to UVA, and they will conduct a sperm analysis for your husband at the same time.  Let me go and get the picture of the uterus and show you."

(Wait a minute, they are going to put what in what and read what and see what and tell me what????  They are going to check the Hubby's swimmers right?  Did I ask that?  Oh I am going to ask that to make sure.)

"Here is the uterus, they put dye in a tube, and insert it here, and then watch to see what happens, they they go from there.  Bad news your insurance won't cover infertility.  Now, if you are blocked you may have to go straight to IVF, because you know when you are ovulating and it could get fertilized in your tube and then a tubal pregnancy could occur and that is not viable and it is not safe to you.  They could give your husband Clomid if his sperm is not active enough, or do other things to boost him.  They could decided that you need fertility injections, they could extract your husband's sperm and shoot it up your uterus so that the sperm doesn't have to do as much work.  Usually IVF is the last option, and the most expensive.  Would you like me to get you the information?"
After a few more questions Dr. M walked out to get the nurse and get the information for me.  I walked out of the office with my head swimming, asking for a miracle.  Knowing that it may not happen.  I feel like this is taking forever, but I know that forever will come.  And as a great friend told me, you have to know when it is time to quit, when enough is enough.  I haven't reached it yet.  I think of how far I (yes me not we) have come.  I used to fear going to the doctor.  I would have so much anxiety that I would cry in the office before they would call me back.  If they even mentioned a shot or needle I would panic.  I can now go to the doctor's on my own, AND I can get blood drawn on my own.  When Dr. M mention injections, I thought of the people that could give them to me, knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it myself, but knowing that there are a few people that can do it to me.  When the talk of more doctor's appointments came up I didn't freak out.  I am also less mad about all of this these days and more confused.  I always ask if we are doing something wrong.  The answer seems to be no.

One more thing... I should have not googled Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), I am a little freaked out.  I have to lay down a basically have a pap smear performed without the smear part.  They will insert the duck (whatever that clamp is called that opens you up), then wash my cervix with a special soap (wait that doesn't see the light of day... why does it need washed??), then insert a tube with the dye in it, and squirt the dye and watch it go, which can take up to 30 minutes.  Please say that I am going to be sedated some how?  I don't know if I can lay still that long.  Oh yeah, I will have to take a full day off of work.  Which they will not like, and hubby has to have a day off too.  And all this has to be done and scheduled 2 days after my period to make sure that I am not pregnant.  Umm wait, I can't get why do I have to be sure?  And I have to ask off for 2 weeks in advance.  And my hubby is only off for maybe 2 days and that is after he works 4.  When will this all happen?  Breathe, please breathe....  Don't google everything.  It will scare the hell out of you!!!

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Happy March 1st.

We are now 3 months into the New Year, yay we made it.  When I get to March I always feel like the New Year has finally kicked off.  In January you are getting used to the New Year, in February you are just hoping that it doesn't go by too quick and you can catch up.  When you get to March you can breath, you finally are able to write the New Year down, without having to scratch it out 10 million times!  Anyways...

You know where are these blogs tend to go.  I'm really sorry but this is my journey right now and because you are reading it, I guess I'm not as I could be.  Anyways (again)... It was this time, give or take a few days, two years ago that Hubby and I were deciding when we were going to take this journey.  Yeah, we are the weirdos that try and plan EVERYTHING.  Now we did not reach that decision until June 2013, and you already know what we decided, unless you haven't been following this blog for a while.  And many people didn't find out that we were on that journey until Feb or March of 2014.  So we have been letting you know for about a year now.  

I love when people don't know.  Our old roommate found out Christmas 2014.  A friend on facebook found out a little bit ago.  It is fun to know who takes notice and who doesn't.  I am sure that some of you don't read this at all and know our journey through someone else.  That is okay too.  Some of you might not know our journey at all, but not all of it you do know.  People ask if we have tried this, did we do that.  Most of the answer's to those questions are yes, even if I have said no.  I have googled and researched a lot of things.  Some things that I really didn't want to know, somethings that I never thought that I needed to know.  Some things that I don't think are true at all.  Do you know the answers some people will give you???  So many myths, defacing the myths... oh it is endless.

Moving on...

I think that there has to come a point in time when you decide the enough is enough, and you are going as far as you can.  People will tell you to keep going and don't give up.  But this is a hard process, and honestly until you have done it over and over, you can't tell someone to keep trying.  Your body goes through a lot, your marriage or relationship goes through a lot.  It seems like nothing can make you happy.  And then, and there is where you stop.  You say I hear what you are saying, but I have to stop doing this.  Because when your job is gone, when someone or something has taken it from you, if you don't figure out where it is or how to get it back, you never will.  

And so when I snuggle my boxer and ratties, when I watch my dvr till it's empty... that is when I am getting some joy.  Little by little!  It's not all gone, and I am not done yet.  I have one more leg in my journey, though this might cost the most!