Wednesday, April 12, 2017

My Wish

My Wish

Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Basically put one foot in front of the other and keep on going.  It's easy for me to say, it's hard for me to do.  I'd be lying to you if I said that I don't still wish that I will wake up one day pregnant without any medical intervention.  There is still a small part of my heart that thinks this will happen, every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up.  This is a lie, and I have to learn this VERY hard truth.  I'm not sure if I am able to process this truth.  

Some day's I feel like I waited to long for any of this.  I waited too long to try and get pregnant and I waited to long to start the IVF process.  When you are coming up on your 32rd birthday (and let me stop you right there if you are going to tell me I am young... because if you know there is more to this than age.. and as you get closer to 35 there are more things to this process that add to it) you start to think that this was not what God intended for you to do with your life.  But, then you look at it in another way and you see that past high school, you took your time in everything in your life.  So, why should this be any different.

I have seen some posts lately about suicide and depression.  I can say that I have really down days, however I have not thought about either one of these.  And if I am slightly depressed then that is just what it is.  Although I have for some time thought about talking to a therapist.  I haven't made it there yet. (I also don't what to say that this is not a real thing, suicide is real.  However, that is not apart of my journey and I want to make sure that everyone knows that this is not something that is there in my life.)  Even though I haven't been able to make my baby (or birds or puppies as we like to call our embabies on any given day) and I am sad about it, I am trying to get to the point to where I am pushing on.

I don't feel defeated yet.  I'm still looking for the window on all the closed doors.  I think what is frustrating me the most right now is there are no answers as to why IVF did not work.  Nothing.  I haven't want to call the Doctors such awful names since then that I can't even think of anyone down there that I like other than 3 nurses.  (Which is funny if you really know me, because all they really do is fill my meds and take my blood, and I HATE needles... or do I>?!?!?)  One morning when I was driving down there my new favorite song came on the radio.. "The Ground Up" by Dan and Shay.  Holy flood gates...  When Dr. Smith who is my favorite Doctor down there asked me how my day was going, I cried again.  She asked what was wrong and I said, I really don't know, I have been crying since my song came on the radio and I can't stop.  But, I need to stop because after this I have to go to work.  She looked at my chart and said all the follies look good, so don't worry.  I stopped crying... Dr. Smith retrieved my eggs on the 25th of July and then I didn't see her again... she went out on maternity leave. I saw her the most during my 2nd round and I didn't even get to talk to her when it was all over.  I had to talk to the Doctor that I didn't even see, I hadn't seen him since January.  That was when I was over that clinic, that is when I didn't want to do it anymore.  But, Dr. Williams convinced us to use our last frozen Embaby.  I wish beyond anything, that I didn't listen to him.  Why couldn't I save it and have the hubs go to his appointment?  I could go on about how mad I am.  I could go on about how I feel cheated, but there are couples out there that I have it worse than me.  And even though there is no reason that they could give us that could still be good because maybe it is all about luck.

2017 is the year of the baby.  So many babies being born, and so many having babies.  Sometimes I think that it would be good to just be done with facebook.  Because I could live in unknown bliss.  But, then really I should just lock myself in my home and stay glued to my couch because there are more people than those that post on facebook.  I really don't know how to handle it.  I am so happy, but at the same time so sad.  I am just waiting for my turn.  

One more thing before I go.. my dreams.  Oh my goodness I wish that it would stop.  A while ago, before hubs and I got married I used to have this dream of a curly headed baby with big blue eyes (no gender just looks).  Those dreams stopped after we got married and I dreamed of baby girls for a long time.  Except they were faceless baby girls, with great names by the way but in my dreams I would look down and my baby would have no face.  I would wake up in sweats.  When we started trying my dreams were all over the place.  I had dreams of babies, I had dreams of my children, I had dreams of bad things like miscarriage and just all kinds of things.  They still come, but not as bad.  Now I have dreams of baby boys.  Which is weird because I never thought that I would be a boy mom.  I don't want anyone to take offense of this.  It is just that I always thought that we would have girls for some reason.  They haven't gotten more intense when Hubs and I decided on a boy name.  Which is even more funny... When we got our first cat as a married couple who was a boy (that we lost :(  ) it took us weeks to name him.  He just walked around the house till we named him Sirius.  After getting him we got our boxer.  Poor Miss Abby went almost a month without a name.  We had a new name a week for her.  Then I said let's call her Gabby, and Hubs heard Abby and it stuck.  We are so indecisive on names, I'm not even sure that we will be able to stick with the names that we like.  So, back to my dream... my son is named.  I call him by name.  He looks like he should have the name that we decided.  I need this dream to stop.  Because I wake up from it every time.  Sometimes I just startle awake and sometimes I jump almost out of my bed.  It is like I am trying to hold on to the very last 2nd of my dream, I know that waking up is going to bring me back.  And I don't want to.  Which brings me to my 2nd favorite quote:

Image result for dream quote dumbledore

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Friendship and Infertility Do NOT

Go Hand and hand.  I haven't written about this before.  The truth is, it is a lot harder pill to swallow than me not being pregnant.  Sometimes you are really alone in this journey (not counting your spouse).  You think that you found a friend that listens to you, that cares about you.  Then suddenly you can't voice what is wrong with you, you think at a person knows you well enough, and they stop talking to you.  

Image result for Find out who your friends are

Image result for Find out who your friends are

I know that I am a lot.  I have never denied that and never will.  But, I literally mean it when I say that I married my best friend.  I know there are people that just say that, but I mean it.  He is the only person that I know other than family that can deal with me, all of me all the time.  He tells me all the time that I need more friends, and I am trying, but he doesn't know how much of a handful I can be, because he is used to me.  

I am probably the loudest person that you know.  But, sometimes I don't want to talk and sometimes I am dying to hear something other than my problems.  Not the drama, I have enough of that for everyone.  There is a point to this, and I need to get there.  

I don't have the kindest heart when it comes to friends.  I should have a long time ago told one of my friends that the Hubs and I were trying to have kids, because she didn't know it at the time she could not figure out what was wrong with me.  And she tried everything.  But, then I was unkind and everything got washed away.  Unkind because she had kids and I didn't.  Unkind cause I didn't know that there was nothing medically wrong with me as to why we couldn't conceive and I kept blaming myself for why the odds were stacked against us.

Once something is broken there is no fixing it.  You can try to mend it and put things back to the way they were, but it is not fixed.  So, I'm down this road again.  Sometimes I feel like I should just stop putting myself out there.  If, maybe I could just manage to keep things to myself, and keep to myself then maybe I could stay off this road.  But, we are human and one basic human things is to bond with people and so we keep doing it.  We keep trying to bond.  We keep trying to learn and grow and make it right again.  But, we keep messing it up.  Life is messy.  Sometimes I'd like to be a part of a movie, where it is all wrapped up nicely at the end but it isn't the end of a life it is just the end of that part of the story.  But, that is just it.  We are not caught in a movie, we are caught in life.  And then end of it is death, until you might with the maker.  (Or Life according with Albus Dumbledore, is Death is but the next great journey.)  I'm not trying to be all depressing and talk about Death, I don't want anyone to think that I am trying to take me life or something, because I am 100% not.  I am just saying that the end of the movie (life) is death.  

So until I figure out what I am doing in my friendship I will just journey and wait and keep trying to find out what I am doing with this crazy time!