On the Eve of 2016

Partly because I haven't written in a while, and partly because the end of the year is a time for reflection.  I decided that now would be a good time to sit and write a blog.  

This year has been a learning experience for sure.  I don't know if I can break it down, so I will give tidbits of life.  I learned that being in child care and being a teacher is hard when you are struggling to have a child yourself.  You see kids that are treated really good and others that are treated horrible and you go home feeling really bad about it all.  People with infertility are the biggest judges when it comes to people with children.  Honestly, we can't help it.  Because we are always asking someone (God, spouses, or just about anyone who will listen,) "Why not me."  I found out that child care and being a teacher, were not for me.  I don't think that I will go back to it.  I love kids but I want my own.  I got tired of taking care of everyone else's.  Thus, in December of 2014 I left what I thought was my dream job, to go after a job in child care, that left me broke, and questioning my judgement daily.  I was quickly looking to either move up or move out.  I got the opportunity to move out, in April of 2015.  I have honestly not looked back.  I love banking.  I want to get my MBA.  I'd love to be a bank manager.  This is what I am pursuing.  

If you don't speak up for yourself, no one will.  This is a fact.  You have to do it.  It sucks, its uncomfortable.  But, you have to do it.  I have been down a road with that doctor's office, and I finally had enough.  I got advice from friends a family and I went to another place.  I have not looked back.  I found a great doctor that was willing to listen to me, and to explain things to me.  That was willing to hear me out and listen to me.  And now I am on the right path and I couldn't be happier.  

Sometimes people will not listen to you.  You can tell them something time and time again.  You can say the same thing over and over.  But they will not listen.  You are doomed.  These people will test you.  Way more than you really want them to.  You will get so frustrated with them.  Love them any way.  Just remember that they entire thing of it is, is that they are not listening to what you are saying, they are just thinking of the next thing to say.  


And now for an update....

I am sitting here writing this, while a box full of medicine is sitting on my bathroom sink.  All I could do was stare at it.  I have to keep telling myself that I can do this.  What I thought was 3 shots a day, thank the lord above, turned into one shot a day.  My hubby is enjoying the fact that he will get to stab me daily.  And I am more excited about how real it could be that I could be pregnant.  That the end goal is there.  It's so close.  

Our one and only choice for a baby of our own, while there is nothing major wrong with me, is IVF.  However, we are not the traditional IVF, we are IVF with ICSI.  They are going to take my eggs out or my body, and take one sperm, and inject the egg with it.  There are no chances for embryos not to develop.  Which brings to the hardest thing that I am having with this entire thing...  Freezing our embryos for another baby.  There is nothing that you can say that is going to make me think different of them.  You can try, I don't really want to hear it.  I have to figure this one out on my own.  My embryos are going to be frozen, waiting for me to decide when the time is right for another one.  What if something happens to them?  There are just so many things that are running through my head, and I am having a really hard time with them all.  I am really trying to stay positive.  For the most part I am very positive.  My boxer has been really bad, because I think that she can feel that something is amiss with me.  But there isn't too much that is amiss with me, other than having to get over that.  So Sunday night when you are all getting ready to return to work on Monday, say a little prayer for me as the hubby jabs me for the very first time.  And then say it again for the next few weeks.  Actually just the entire month of January keep me in your thoughts.  Happy New Year.  Love and Blessings for a happy and safe New Year!!

Following Down the Rabbit Hole

It's a funny thing.. following blindly in a direction that you want to go it.  I don't think that I have been so nervous in my life.  This was not an easy decision.  But the first step is a must...  I know I am talking in circles.


Life is hard.  It is not all wrapped up in this nice little book, that has a beginning, middle, and end, and you read from cover to cover and you know that it is all over.  No guessing.  In a book you can skip a head.  You can read the end first.  Life... is nothing like that.  However, in life you are guaranteed some things.  You will live... for a second, a year.. 100.  You will live that is life.  You will have comfort and the things that you need to grow.  Some way somehow you will have them.  Family, in whatever shape or form that takes you will have one, don't take them for granted.  Love... you will meet one person that "rocks your socks," don't let them leave you.  You will need them, no matter what.  But, in that LIFE happens.  Sometimes you have to stop and look at it.  Sometimes you have to be in the moment.  This week, I have hit my moment.

On December 10th, we traveled back down to UVA.  If you know my hubby he hates that place.  I can feel him tense up the moment you see the sign that says welcome to Albemarle County.   However Charlottesville is a place that I can safely navigate.  If you know me, you know that I can get lost in a paper bag.  One of my comforts is knowing that I won't be lost.  And if I have to go there on my own I can get there and get back home.  It's something that makes me crazy.  I don't want that.  Anyways...  as always we get there early.. an hour to be exact.  They were running behind when we got there... what's new?  

Meeting with Dr. Williams wasn't bad, his intern was there too, she isn't as humble and she isn't very talkative at all.  He is a really nice guy.  Very thoughtful, very direct, very informative.  After answering lots of questions, Dr. Williams got right down to business.  Because of the odds that we have, we don't qualify for IUI... intrauterine insemination.  Which the cheapest option.  The next thing is IVF... also know as in vitro fertilization, some call this test tube babies.  They are not grown in tubes, the embryos are grown in dishes.  Just to fill you in.  

So while I was happy that there was something that could be done for us, because my biggest worry was there was NOTHING.  I was a little bit stunned that this was it.  I was too wrapped up in the information that was coming at me from Dr. Williams to worry about anything else.  The next information, other than telling us pricing was that he wanted to do another internal synogram.  (OH JOY, um not!!!) And more bloodwork.  (Ugg I'm so tired of being a pin cushion, I think even my body was tired of it because my blood clotted way quicker than it has before.)  And then after all that we are whisked down to talk finances and pricing options.  Honestly I couldn't think while I was there.  

The thinking happened last night and today.  The what if's hit me like a ton of bricks.  The I might not be strong enough to do this, crept in like a nasty old friend.  The oh gosh why me came.  Sometimes those things creep in and I can't stop them.  No matter how hard I try.  So yesterday when I was asked each step of the way if I had any questions and I said no, now I am sitting hear typing this with a head full of questions.  I want to know what is happening at all times.  The control that I want, I cannot have.  This Rabbit Hole that I am going down is really hard for me.  Because there are so many what ifs.  

I know that this is a long one, and I haven't wrote in a long time.  Some of these thoughts are going in circles.  I am sure that I am going to drive myself crazy more than I will drive you crazy.  I'm just trying to make it all make since.  Someone make it make since.  

Everyone has an opinion about something

You would think by now that we would all understand that EVERYONE has different viewpoints and opinions.  That we all don't fit in tiny boxes and form to each other.  However, looking at facebook, the news, or any place that you can get some information, clearly we have not learned this.  Not even a little bit.  How is it that we can't figure this out?

I have stated this many times, I'm pretty conservative, AKA I'm a republican.  I'm not always vocal about it.  I don't put it out there all the time.  But, I do lean different ways on different issues.  I don't always agree with what MOST republicans are agreeing on.  This is not what this is about, but I wanted to put it out there.  

I think that it is so stupid that we are all up in arms about a coffee company with a stupid cup.  It's kindof like that Hobby Lobby/ Chick-fil-a thing.  I mean really?  This is what we are going to get upset about??  It's a cup for goodness sake.  A cup.  Now if you really want to think about it, doesn't the Candy Cane signify the blood of Christ?  So, why can't the red cup?  Or even better, who cares it's just a cup.  Oh and having a Christmas picture of a cup DOES NOT make it Christian.  New Flash, Santa is not the Christian symbol of Christmas.  

And I want to go on about Santa.  Can't we just let a man in a big fat red suit be the magic of Christmas for kids?  I mean we can teach them about other things, but can't we just let that be something?  Kids grow up WAY too fast.  They are not little for very long.  They don't believe in things for long.  Please let them be little for as long as possible.  Why is it such a crime to let a child grow slow?  I'm just not understanding that.  Yeah, I don't understand a lot of things.

Getting back to the red cup, if you don't like it don't buy your coffee there.  There are other places that sell coffee now, you don't have to go to Starbucks to get your fix.  Just like you don't have to go to Chick-fil-a to get your chicken fix.  There are many choices.  Choose something else.  Don't make a big deal over a cup.  Let's make a big deal about more important things, getting our troops home, helping homeless people, or letting our kids be little for as long as that is possible.  Stop all this madness over a cup.  Enjoy the holiday's celebrate how you want to.  And take a break from this madness of getting upset over every little thing.  We are going to end up being the generation that dies of Heart Attacks because we don't know how to let anything go.  Stop it, move on!!

Happy Anniversary and thoughts on the day...

4 Years Ago:



This Happened.  (To be fair I forgot about this picture.  I do really like this one.  Guess I need to get to work on getting this one up, somewhere and framed!!)

What a ride it has been for 4 years.  And there are days that I feel like this day just happened.  I'm ready for whatever is next.  

So Today, I set out to get somethings accomplished in the baby department.  I have been doing some research trying to find a good place to go.  I finally decided on the one that I was going to go to.  And wouldn't you know when I called and they (she, whoever) answered the phone....I was highly disappointed.  (Shocker! Not!!!)  I really thought that when you called any Doctor's office, specialist or no, that when they answer they are supposed to be confirming the place you called??  That was red flag number one.  I also thought that they were supposed to ask how the could help you??  Red Flag number two.  And if those weren't enough the lady asked me for my number and said that the lines were too busy and that she was going to call me back, after I had explained myself 3 times.  Red flag number three, and me being done.  Yeah she called me back.  But I did not answer.  I did the best thing I could think of.  I called my OB's office and asked from them to recommend someone for me.  I'm not playing games.

To much of my dismay, I'm really more nervous about this than I have been about most of this journey.  There is so much that I can't answer.  So much that I can't control (and if you know me, I really like to be in control of things that I can actually control, so then I become an anxious wreck, Yay go me!!!).  I have been waiting to make this call.  Trying to buy some time.  I have been looking for places that looked: clean, had good reviews, and the Dr's picture looked okay (aka not a creeper).  And while all that might not matter to anyone else, they matter to me.  BECAUSE: I can control some of them.  

In this next phase, for me there is too much what if.  The biggest what if: What if there is nothing that can be done, where do I go after that.  What do I do after that??  
The next one: How much debt am I going to go in?  What if this doesn't work, the first time?  Statistically, logically... look at all that stuff....   the very first time doesn't work.  That is not an odd or number that I like to play with.  I want the "odds to be ever in your favor."  So how much money am I willing to spend before I say enough is enough?  
Moving on: How much pain is this going to be?  Am I going to have to lay in bed for days?  (I am willing too.)  Is this going to hurt as much as childbirth?  No one can answer that because everyone's pain tolerance is different.  (Sign me up right there.)  

AND  I know that everyone is going to be just do it.  Move this along.  Not your body.  Not your mind.  My grandma asked me; "What if there is no baby after all of this.  What if they tell you that you won't have one, what are you going to do.  You will be out of money and no baby."  I laughed and told her half joking, "I'll get another boxer."  It is the safest answer that I know.  She laughed, and I know that she didn't like it.  So then she asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her a gift card for clothes and a baby.  Granny then told me that she wasn't putting up a tree then, because there wouldn't be anything for me to open.  And I said that Christmas wasn't always about me.  And she explained that she couldn't give me a baby.  So I asked what she wanted and she said a baby.  (Gee Thanks!!)  It's what everyone wants and I can't deliver.  I am trying.  I really am trying.  

So as this next phase begins to unfold, please say a prayer for me.  I am not as brave as I seem.  I'm not as fierce as I come across.  I am a nervous wreck, and I just want a simple answer that will please me and everyone else.

The Great Pink Debate (On National no bra day!!)

I have heard a ton of things about wearing pink in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness.  Some of them are just people talking and some are advocating, others are the political side of the coin.  And I know that we all have opinions and thoughts about this.  

Fact: ALL women have breasts!

However you see this, weather you believe that God created us all, or we are a product of the big bang... all women have them.  We cannot deny that they are there.  Look around, the lady next to, your friend at work.  Boobies are real, they are not something that men made up to play with and sexualize.  

Fact: Men can get breast cancer too.

The man you love and adore, your dad, grandpa, uncle... the neighbor that shovels you out of the snow storm.  They can all get breast cancer.  This is not a women's disease.  

Fact: Wearing pink is only promoting/reminding women and men to get a breast exam and perform self checks. 

Unless you are buying your pink from Susan G. Komen, or some other organization, you are not sponsoring anyone when you wear pink.  When I was in college people thought that I was crazy when I had a breast cancer awareness program and then I made a board with steps to breast health.  I'm not crazy.  I had my residents in on this, they were thinking about this.  People in their 20's are impressionable, and if you can get them thinking, they will roll with it.  I'll be the one to paste boobies anywhere to get people's attention about breast health.  

Fact: Our numbers are down. 

According to the American Cancer Society, Breast cancer is no longer the leading cause of deaths in women.  And why do you think that is???   


Because we are reminded of breast health.  We take month and hit it hard.  We don't listen to people who tell us not to wear pink or that we are attacking this political thing or that.  Breast health should not be political, it should not be something that you are for or against.  

Everyone has something that they are passionate about.  A cause, a view, a political viewpoint, something.  Be let your voice be heard.  Don't stop!  And get ya boobies checked!!!

Grudges cause wrinkles

As defined....

grudge

ɡrəj/

noun

1. 1.

   a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.

truth

tro͞oTH/

noun

1. the quality or state of being true.

for·give

fərˈɡiv/

verb

1. stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

for·get

fərˈɡet/

verb

1. fail to remember.

John 8:31-32English Standard Version (ESV)

The Truth Will Set You Free

31 So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, 32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

English Standard Version (ESV)

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

I have been thinking about this a lot.  I always ask for forgiveness.  However, I can never seem to forgive.  I hold a grudge.  And because of that grudge... I cannot forget.  I am not proud of any of these.  There is nothing to be proud of.  If you believe in karma this could be the way that it gets me.  My feelings easily get hurt.  There isn't much that it takes.  I am not made of steel, but honestly this is not what it is about.

I don't know how to forgive.  To truly let to go.  I think that I am in a place where it doesn't bother me, and then I am right back in that place.  And more than that I remember things.  I can play them back in my mind.  I don't usually remember what is said, but I remember the situation.  I remember what it was about.  I want to let it go.  It is so frustrating and trying to go over it in my mind.  Wouldn't you like to just forget???

Without a doubt I would like to forget.  But not only that, I want to forgive.  I don't have much meat to this blog.  There isn't much to say.  There isn't a way to make it better.  This is something that I have to learn to do myself.  This is something that I have been working on for most of my life.  I have let friendships go because I am unable to forgive.  I have to try and not do that as a 30 year old.  We all have things that we want to work on.  If they are self growth or growth in other ways.  We have to know that we are allowed to grow and evolve during our entire lifetime.  We don't have to settle.  We NEVER have to settle.  We should leave to grow, we should learn to think, we should learn to change.  

Remember:

Gonna hold who needs holdin'
Mend what needs mendin'
Walk what needs walkin'
Though it means an extra mile

Pray what needs prayin'
Say what needs sayin'
'Cause we're only here
For a little while

Read more: Billy Dean - Only Here For A Little While Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Happy Fall, Y'all!!!

It's my favorite time of the year!!  Literally,  I am busting at the seams, it's time to turn off the AC, turn on the fans and open the windows.  Oh and all the halloween stuff, haunted houses, pumpkins, horror films...  Okay you get it.  Did I mention pumpkins????

I seem to always have a lot of guilt and self doubt when I am writing my blogs.  Sometimes I feel like I share too much, and other times I feel like I am just a rambling women that goes on and on about the same thing, just a little bit different each time.  Whatever the reason, sometimes I have a hard time sitting here writing.  I don't often go back and read any of what I write.  Sometimes I do, but I feel like it is enough for it to just sit in my head, that I don't need to go back and read it again and again.  

I am writing this middle of the road blog post, as this month officially marks the 2 years of trying to have a baby.  It was this time 2 years ago (okay I don't know a specific day, just a month, work with me here!!!), that we decided that we were going to try and have a baby.  And now I have become a woman on a mission.  I am one person, but I feel like a lot can change with one person.  I am still trying to figure out the best way for us to become more that fur-parents.  But, I have added another mission to my cause.  I want women to self advocate for themselves.  Do not sit blindly like I did and let someone tell you that you are young and to go home and keep trying.  It will be so heart breaking.  Do not defeat yourself and then let doctors tell you that there is something wrong.  Get a 2nd opinion.  ALWAYS.  If within 6 months to a year you are not seeing a change, a result, a pregnancy, whatever it is you are trying for do not stay with that doctor.  For lack of a better word, they are dicking you around.  And you need to not let it happen.

In America we believe many different things, there are many religions, or lack thereof.  There are many ideals, they are many things.  However, I believe that we are women centered.  One of my Indian friends, (not the Native American type, the true Indian from India, and before you get bent out of shape, I am Native American, and I am not being any type of hateful!!) talked with me about how in her country the are mother centered.  The praise the women, she is of the highest honor, she rules the roost, (this might not be everywhere there, but she was talking about herself).  Mother is the one that makes life, and carries on the next generation.  I have always thought about this, mainly because we don't practice this at all.  Men make loads more money than we do, for doing the same work.  It took all 10 years of me working at Walmart to make what my hubby made in half the time that he was there.  I have had to be extra good at my job in order to get a raise, going above and way beyond to get that raise.  Women are still held back.  Yet if you think about it, without us, there would be no future generations.  (I am also not saying that were are only there to make babies because we do more than that, it was just the example that came to my head.)

I look at our society today, and I wonder what it will look like when we are older.  We have become so politically correct that we just don't say much about other things because we are seen as not being agreeable to current times.  I'm sorry but I want to have a difference in opinion.  I want to be able to say it too.  Okay, maybe I am going totally off topic, or maybe it just took me a long time to get there.  But, this morning as I am drinking my coffee and watching 20/20, (btw it's one of my favorite shoes, I could have majored in criminal justice, maybe, but I don't like dead bodies, and I am not gonna work in a prison so that doesn't leave me much.. good thing I didn't major in that!!).  So I'm watching it and it's about this little girl that vanished...  She went out to get Ice Cream and she was gone.  On the episode they talked about how the police looked for sex offenders in her neighborhood, and then showed the map of all the ones that were within one mile of her house.  And if you know me, that gets the gears going.  WHY ARE WE ALLOWING THIS????  Please tell me.  Please give me a good reason as to why a sex offender should be allowed back into society.  And please don't say because they can be changed, because I don't agree with that at all.

The reason that I am also thinking about this is because Halloween is one of the few times that our children go door to door.  And I remember a friend saying that when we moved into our neighborhood, that when there is a sign on the door that says, "No Candy" that is a registered sex offenders home and they are required to put that on the door.  Key word here is registered.  So, when I was walking around the neighborhood last year around this time, (maybe a little closer to halloween) I noticed signs on the door, and I was pretty angry about it.  Of all the things that we are worried about in America, why are we not worried about this?  Yes I moved into my neighborhood, and I am pretty sure, that there are not any on my street.  But, in my neighborhood there are.  I just want to know what can be done about this.  I just want to know about the safety of our children.


Okay, I know that I have given a lot in a long blog.  But I was just thinking about these things.  I am a woman on a mission.  I am trying to do good with the life that I live.  I'm not in any way preaching peace and harmony, but I am preaching answers.  I am telling you not to allow things to just be.  Question, and not once, but all the time.  Ask, talk, be that annoying person.  Be self aware.  Make a difference!

Happy Fall, Y'all!

The thing about 9/11/01

Disclaimer:  I'm not writing this to offend anyone.  I'm not trying to make a point.  I don't normally write about anything other than my life.  If you are offended about this post please DON'T let me know.  It seems that everyone is offended by something, and this is not something to be offended over.  This is just my thoughts on a tragic day.  I was 16 when it happened.  I'm 30 now.  I have a lot of opinions.  But, my thoughts are not to be harmful.




Who doesn't remember where they were on September 11, 2001?  Maybe if you were under the age of 5 wouldn't.  But, everyone normally has a answer for the question.  The thing is do you remember what life was like before that?  I have a hard time with that.  A tragedy such as this is now a bookmark in my life.  After it everything was different.  But, before....

When you are a 16 year old, are you ever thinking about what the future will be?  Some think about going to college other's think about Friday night football games.  I was never really a good student.  I was okay.  I payed attention in class, I did class work... homework on the other had was a different thing.  I hated homework, I didn't want to be bothered by school at home or during my fun time (Marching band, color guard, pep band, football, or basketball games).  I could really paint you a picture of me at 16.  But, it's really a funny one.  I wasn't girly.  But boy was I boy crazy.  I wasn't allowed to date, but I had a few  boyfriends.  My best friends were two boys (one I married, the other was just as boy crazy as I was!!).  Being in your 3rd year of high school you feel invincible.   Considering you have made it through 2 years in high school, in a town that you are new to.  And you have adapted pretty well, with a great group of friends.  You are living the American Dream... aren't those two words haunting??  Considering that there was an American Dream before then... after, well I don't know that any of us are.

Before this day, nothing seemed real.  I was fun loving a care free.  My childhood isn't stapled by this day, I was no longer a child.  I was a teenager.  But I remember feeling really adult that day.  I just remember feeling so much hurt and sorrow.  That some person or group of people could hate so much that they would take innocent lives.  INNOCENT LIVES.  The thing is that I remember bits and pieces of my life before this, but much of what I know is after this.  I remember so many hugs that day, so many hand holdings, so many kids leaving school that day... because either their mom or dad worked at the Pentagon.  People that you may not have hung out with before you consoled.  

Tears... lots and lots of tears...  

The thing is, is many of us know what life was like before this tragic day.  But, now a lot of people don't know that.  All they know is 9/11/01 and after.  Kids grow up in a different world.  A world of war.  A world where everyone is hating on everyone else.  Where politically correct is the thing that is used to try and be "nice" to someone but it is really offending someone else.  I noticed yesterday...  On the anniversary, I try to be humble.  I don't know what it was like to lose someone on that day.  I have never talked to someone that did.  I cannot begin to understand.  I raise my American flag that day, although typically it is up all summer, due to the patriotic holidays.  I wear red, white, and blue...I always have.  But, I have noticed that there has been a shift.  Years after it first happened, on the anniversary we would pause our lives to honor those lost.  Gradually we have stopped doing that.  There, are less things on TV about it.  Less things on the internet.  Less time to pause... then I think about the day that it happened.  I was at school... we didn't pause.  In first block class we had no idea what was going on.  I felt as if we were one of the only classes that didn't know.  When I got into the hall to walk with a friend that I normally went to 2nd block with, she told me all about it.  I didn't believe it, and she told me to shake myself, this is real.  We begged our 2nd block teacher to turn the TV on.  She told us that she was going to teach for 30 minutes before she would (had I known then what I know now, I would have know that she was trying to distract us, however he effort to teach didn't work, more students went home, most wouldn't talk, and then there was more tears..), eventually she gave in a turned the TV on.  3rd block was different.  Our teacher told us that we could stay in class, that we didn't have to go to lunch.  When it was our time from lunch I ran to the lunchroom, literally,  I wanted to escape for a minute.  I wanted to pause.  I needed to be with a friend.  My hubby has always been my best friend, and he has always been this calming voice for me.  Even when we were just friends, he was always able to calm me down.  I still to this day, don't know what it is about him, that does that to me.  But, sometimes I know that it is what I need, and I naturally go and seek it.  That day I ran to it.  With tears rolling down my cheeks, I ran to him.  I don't really remember the rest of 3rd block.  I just remember crying.  4th block was band class, it was split into a history class too... this day was the only day of my entire public school career that I didn't go to all my classes.  I stayed in band class.  Our teacher told us we could stay, but at the end of the day we would have to go home.  I begged the hubby to take me home, so that I didn't have the long bus ride.  I just wanted to go home.  

I watched the news like a crazy person at home.  I even ate dinner in my room, so that I could continue to watch.  I don't know if I slept that night... I don't remember that part.  I know that the next day there was no school.  The rest of the week I don't remember at all.  I remember that I didn't want to go back to school.  Not because I was scared, but because I didn't know who was going to be there, and I didn't want to know if any of my friends had lost anyone.  It was all too sad.


This event has shaped our lives, in ways that we cannot imagine.  14 years later, life looks a lot different.  I don't care what side of the political coin you are on; (and this wasn't supposed to be political)... we have to pause.  And I mean pause for life.  We are so worried about who to offend, that we are not living.  We are worried that someone will walk into our home and be offended about what's in it.  We are worried that if we like this band, this person, this animal that someone will hate us.  We need to stop this.  (This has nothing to do with this tragic day.)  We just need to pause for life.  Take a minute for loved ones.  Nurture relationships, cherish friendships and loved ones.  We get one life (unless you believe in reincarnation), you have to live it.  It has to be something that you want and fight for.  Pause for it, pause to reflect.  Pause to dream.  Pause... take a break.  Dream... wish... hope.. love... live....

"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"

There is nothing like a song to remind you to stay grounded.  To listen and sing at the top of your lungs.  To take deep breaths, to still your mind.  To think of something other than what is right in front of you...

Then there are songs that remind you to work through it all.  Sometimes you have to face something hard and come out on the otherside, to know what you are made of.  You don't have to come out on top, you don't have to win everything.  You just have to know that you survived.  

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down

Boy have I been in the middle of that storm.  Currently waiting to get to the other side of it.  I'm nervous to take whatever that next step is.  And now I don't need someone to tell me to take it.  I am going to take it.  I just need a little time to adjust.  I feel like every day is a reminder.  I don't need someone to remind me of what I am reminding.  I don't need someone to tell me.  Please stop telling me I am begging you.  I get frustrated at the constant.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy my puppies and my life and not remind.  I put myself on this freakish time line, and I have been wanting to get off of it for sometime now.  I can't get off of it if you are always reminding me!!!


The silver lining:

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away

Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

This shit storm, this cluster fuck... is going to end.  In due timing.  Yeah, I curse like a sailor at times.  Sometimes it is the only thing I have.  Sometimes I just pray and hope that all this sailor verbage is not going to send me straight to hell.  But other times it feels so good to say it.  Weather it is in the middle of a restaurant or writing it down.  But, this all will end.  I will be set free.  This will just be a memory, but in my book of life this will be the biggest.  


The confidence booster:

 So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
And walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

You have to look for it.  It's there.  Somewhere, someone is listening to what you have to say.  They are feeling it to.  Find them, make friends, and when you need someone reach out to them.  Weather it be family, or just a friend do it.  You will feel better.  Hold on to the fact that it is still your struggle, but be confident that they can help you through it.  They can love you through it.  And they might not remind you on a daily basis that you are going through it.  Remember what I said, stop it.  It hurts.  I remember, stop reminding me.

And then it tells you that you are going to make it to the other side:

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

You are going to survive this.  You will be free.  If you could tell yourself at 14 that this would all happen.  Don't date that boy, he isn't good for you.  Listen to a friend, when he said that the one boy you really like really likes you too.  Would you do it all different?  Would you make the same journey?  I would tell 14 year old me not to date that first high school boy.  I would tell 14 year old me to run away from him.  I would tell 14 year old me that when you met your future husband to not be so intense with that 15 boy.  That he really likes you, don't push him.  Just let him know that you like him, so that he doesn't make the chase so hard later.  That every step you are going to take with him is worth it.  That when you are sitting down at your computer typing away in your nerdy glasses and he is playing video games that that is bliss, don't take it for granted.  He is going to have struggles too and you are going to have to be a rock to him.  Don't be so hard on him.  He needs you to be soft too.  That sometimes he needs to be a pain in your butt so that you know that he loves you.  That that 14 year old girl would go to college and love it.  That she would miss home, but she would want to be at school too.  That even though she dreamed of being a teacher that life had other plans and you have to be okay with it.  That you would marry the boy who is your best friend, and you would carry his friendship forever.  That it is okay that you view the world that everyone has a chance and that everyone has good, and to not stop believing that in your 20's even though you are going to.  

It's so sad that you can't time travel and talk to yourself when you are younger.  But, it really might change a lot of things.  Some things you might really like.  Some memories you could forget.  Hold on tight, enjoy the ride.  You are going to make it to the other side.  You don't need to be famous or post 1000 selfies to make your dreams come true.  You need to be real and you need to be honest and you need to show people what you are really made of.  Be your self, and don't stop dreaming.  Life is nothing but a dream.

Winnie the Pooh says it best:

When it's not your story to tell

Sometimes I forget that I am telling the world "our" story.  

I understand that you may have read my last blog post, I really hope that I am helping you in whatever you are going through.  However, I had to delete it.  I told too much for the comfort of my Hubbz and he was not a happy camper.  I don't want anyone to be upset about it.  And again I know that you may have read it, but I should have told him what I was doing before I did it.  I can never say sorry enough.

We are struggling, not in our marriage, not with our money, not in our lives.  We are struggling to have a baby.  Many couples go through really hard times.  I cannot compare to them.  I don't want to do that either.  But for us this is really hard.  Honestly we don't know what to do.  (I just want to THANK everyone for any suggestions that you have given me!!)  We are actively pursuing a fertility specialist, but we don't know what to expect.  We are also trying to keep things open for adoption.  And there is always the chance to make our fur baby crew bigger.  

But I should have been more private towards my husband in my last post.  I am willing to share all of me with you.  He is not willing to share and I am okay with that.  So please don't hate.  Just take it as my mistake.  And we will move on form here!!!

A 2nd opinion is worth all the $$ in the world...

Do you advocate for yourself?  When the Dr says something are you okay with it or do you question it?  For the longest time I just went with it... Today I can say "No More."


For about 7 months or more I have been toying around with the idea of going to a different OBGYN.  I wasn't sure if I should.  I was also worried that IF I did go to a different one, that I would have to start everything all over again.  I didn't want to do that.  I have spent 2 years trying to have a baby, I really don't want to waste any more time.  If you have been following me (incase you haven't) things really got to a breaking point last month when I decided that I was going to really work harder at trying to have a baby.  I felt like I wasn't giving it everything that I have, and I wasn't leaving every stone unturned.  

I wouldn't say that I "loved" my past two OBGYN's, my first Dr left for WV, and got married (congrats to her), the 2nd I inherited.  They were both okay, but both wanted to drag their feet.  I kept hearing, your young it will happen.  2 years later and it didn't.  Not only that but when your Dr says one thing and then they say they don't want you to have that, and the nurse says the Dr never said that it really messes with your head.  (Advocate for yourself.)  I kept telling them that this was really frustrating me, that they weren't giving me any answers.  I finally had enough when they couldn't even fax the fertility specialist that they referred me to the proper paperwork.  The next day I went home and made an appointment with the new Dr.

Today I went to the new Dr.  Dr. Bell.  He is FANTASTIC!!!  I was really really nervous going in there.  To the point where I was either going to cry or hyperventilate, I ended up chewing and braiding my hair, just in case you were wondering.  But, Dr. Bel is really nice.  And he really took time to talk to me, he wasn't rushing me out of the office or having me be quiet.  He asked me questions, of course he didn't have much to go by, my OBGYN didn't fax my records.  But for once I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to curl up into a ball and just lay there until tomorrow.  

First: Hubby still has to go to a urologist, he could be half or all of the problem.  Dr. Bell says that simply because I have not been pregnant and I have not miscarried that Hubby could be most of the problem.  

Second: I need to have the HSG test (the uterine dye test), it could open me up enough to get pregnant.  The good news, I don't have to go to UVA.  (Okay I really stared at him when he said that.  Like he stopped, and asked if I was okay.  I said, "You do the test, I don't have to go anywhere?"  Dr. Bell said me and an X-ray technician... you get the results that day....

Let's stop there...  I have been waiting since February to get this test done.  I put it off for a little bit due to the fact that neither one of my old jobs would allow me to have the time off to get it done.  My new job will allow me to.  Then hearing that I don't have to go anywhere.  That my own Dr. can do it for me.  That was just like new to my ears.  I couldn't say thank you enough.  I couldn't be happier.  Ahhh, cloud nine does not compare!!

Sometimes you have to be done with it....

There are many things that I cannot change... things that are beyond my control.  I really like to be in control, not necessarily controlling the situation, I just like to be behind the scenes calling the shots.  

2 years ago when I started this journey, before everyone knew, I really thought that there would be a much different outcome.  And even though I don't want to be, I am sitting on the edge of making the decision that things will not turn out differently.  I put my faith in prayer, I have said a prayer for it every night, and every time it is the same.  In 2 years I have been through a lot.

I'm not really sure what I am looking for anymore, I don't feel like there is an answer anywhere.  I am so hopeful for this new doctor, but am I setting my hopes too high?

2 weeks...  How long is that to you?  If every second mattered, than a week is etrinity.  2 weeks is how long my old doctor's office had Hubby's results without letting me know.  I called them, they said oh we will call back... 2 weeks... you had them for two weeks.  And when I do get the results you can't even give me a number?  Saying that is something that a urologist is going to have to go over with you.  How do I even know if I want to go there if I don't have a number?  How do I know that this is going to work if you are now saying that you don't want me to have my test done too?  Why are you doing this to me?  I called there again to have my records faxed to another doctor's office... oh you need to sign a paper....  slince....  okay thanks for calling... goodbye... I mean can I come in and do that today???  

I really believe that once I am no longer a patient at BLUE RIDGE OBGYN IN CULPEPER, that I will have a big weight lifted off my chest.  I am on a mission now, more than ever to find a better doctor, one that is going to give me results and answers.

I recently went down and ugly turn.  I know this is going to sound horrible, but I told the Hubby that I wish, that I would have had a miscarriage...  Because in that doctor's office they only care about you if you have lost a baby, if you are pregnant, or if you need to have your who-ha looked at.  I am just another 30 something who wants a baby, and seems fine for all that they can see, so they are not trying to rush anything.  Who cares if I have been at this for 2 years... they had results for 2 weeks... Who cares if I have to play phone tag with them all the time... they will call me back when they want to....  

Now who cares if I bad mouth them every chance I get?  If I take to social media and internet surveys and ratings to bash the shit out of them??  Will they care then?  It will be too late if they care then.  I will be gone, and I will continue my mission to slam them every chance I get.  So, if you are in the Culpeper area, DO NOT use BLUE RIDGE OBGYN, you will thank me.  Trust me on this!!!

Answering your questions...

I wanted to post to answer everyone who has been asking about the appointment on Tuesday.  I know that a lot of you have been asking me and I haven't answered, sorry I am spinning right now.  I'm trying to catch up.  I'll get there, I promise.  

On Tuesday the 23rd, Hubby and I went down to UVA (actually it's the Martha Jefferson, which is on the backside of Charlottesville near Pan Top Mountain, near where we went to get our Boxer Baby...Charlottesville...Oh Charlottesville...), I didn't think to call my OBGYN before my appointment, (Okay, I keep asking myself over and over again why I didn't I could have saved myself some tears.. Okay really a melt down, but you get the point) we are just about there when I am in a little panic, because I don't actually know if we are headed in the right direction.  Hubby says too late now... we did go to the right place.  When we arrive they are busy, a office full of people (Hubby and I go to the same place for our tests, he could have his, I have to wait for a certain cycle day, yet again another thing my OBGYN has refused to tell me, why haven't I learned my lesson?!?!?!?!?), we are 3rd in line.  10 minutes before our appointment and 3rd in line... the people ahead of us are slow.  I think to myself we are going to miss this, I don't want to miss this, I was able to finally talk the Hubby into this and we are here please don't let me miss it.  We get up to the window and it feels like freaking forever...like a year has passed since we walked in.  The lady (who was by the way, extremely nice. I have had horrible not nice people lately, it was refreshing to have someone be nice!!), asks my name, I tell her that the appointment is not for me, but for my Hubby and give his name.  She says, you need to fill out these forms and Hubby needs ID, insurance card and copy for the orders from the doctor.  To which I explain that I asked that they be faxed here.

The lady at the desk pulls up Hubby's file and says no they are not here... this is where I feel like the wind has been sucked out of my body.  I ask if she is sure, and she says that she will check the fax que.  The lady at the desk asks my name, which I give to her as I bite my lip to try not to fall apart.  Hubby is trying to tell me, breathe it's okay.  And all I can think is we are not getting the test done today.  Lady at the desk says they are not here, your file is here but no orders....
I tell her, really??  and then I ask it again, and tell her I'm sorry I have had so much trouble with my OBGYN and I am going to cry...

Hubby goes into whatever he does when I fall apart, which is to get me away from whatever it is as fast as I can get it there.  (Let's just be honest when I have a melt down, it's a mess.  I'm not quiet, I have snot every where.  Everyone can hear me.  It is embarrassing, it is not pretty.  I really try not to, but I can't help it.)  Lady at the desk, again with the niceness says, it's okay we can do the test but you can't know the results till we get the orders.  To be honest I didn't hear much of this.  Not even a little bit, Hubby had to tell me, cause once I go into melt down mode I could sign my life away and not really know it.  I go grab a card as instructed by the lady at the desk (who told me this about 10 times), and I have a seat.  I'm trying not to make this bigger than it is.  Hubby comes over and hands me paper work, and then says calm down in the nicest way he can without seeming to be frustrated with me.  I calm enough to do paper work, and then him telling me that the test can still be done.

When he hands back his paper work, Hubby is instructed where to go and what to do.  I walk with him, I'm still on edge, I could still break.  I don't go into the room with Hubby, and I don't help him out.  Crying while he does what he needs to do, is not a good thing.  I walk out of the hospital and I decide that I am going to call them.  I also decide in my short walk, that I am going to switch OBGYN for good.  I am done with them.  I also decide to call and leave a really awful message.  I blame them for everything.  I always have to leave a message.  I don't expect a call back.  Why should I get one, I never get a call back.  They never treat me well, to them I am just a young woman who will eventually get pregnant and make them money.  I have decided that yes, I will eventually get pregnant, but I will not make them any money.  I will not use them.  I explain that I need to orders, that you never faxed them, that you never give me the right number and I am left on my own to do all of this.

2 hours later I get a call back.  I get a promise that as we are talking she is sending the orders.  I do not act happy on the phone.  I don't pretend that it is all okay.  But, I don't speak up like I really should.  I'm still on the edge of a complete melt down, and I don't want to have one outside the comfort of my home.  

So...

The results take 3 to 5 days...

The results were done on Friday...

I don't know them, my OBGYN still did not send the orders....

They know them, they were sent to my OBGYN on Friday....

I was not able to call, I went to work when they came off lunch...

They were on lunch when I wasn't at work....

I have to call them on Monday and try to get them...

I have to hope that the specialist makes appointments on the weekends, so that I can go...

I still feel like the world is preventing me from this...

I'm sorry that I don't have time to care about what is in the news, good, bad, or netural.  I can't do it, I won't do it.  I will watch cartoons, and write my blogs and hope that there is still some hope in me.  

29 days from today I will be 30.  I do not feel like I am any closer to my goal then when I started this month of June and goals.  

Currently I am feeling defeated.  I really want to go and yell and scream and punch someone in the face at the doctors.  I don't want to deal with them any more.  Please, Please, Please, send me good JuJu, and prayers, and whatever it is to make a good thing for me!!!!

MAD!

I know that the doctors think I'm joking, or that I have all the time in the world.  I am not either.  I no longer recommend Blue Ridge OBGYN.  (I don't know that I really did in the first place.)  I don't think that I should have to bounce around the practice to different doctors to get to the bottom line of this.  So I am going to bounce right out of the office.  How many times is this doctors office not going to take the blame for something that they are clearly doing???  They gave me the wrong number, they didn't schedule my appointment.  They didn't tell me that I had to have this done at a certain time.  They didn't say that they would just fax my stuff when I made the appointment.  So they can kiss my ass!!!!!   I get it I'm young, but this is not fun any more.  This is torture.   This has become a heart breaking journey.  This has become one where I think a million different things are wrong with me.  Where many different people have given advice, and tried to tell me that I'm doing "it" wrong.  

Tomorrow is the day and I just pray for an answer.  Although it is not a complete work up (I cannot have my procedure until a certain day of my cycle, something that me doctor neglected to tell me).  But, it might be something that will get us further in the right direction.  

When someone asks me about things, I tend to become aggravated again.  I really want to say; "Have you heard the news?  I'm still NOT pregnant."  Then I want to walk away.  I also have a flip side to this, when people ask me about it, I tend to have word vomit and give every.single.detail.  Someone at my new job asked me why I wasn't in a great mood, and it just poured out.  I couldn't stop it.  All I could think about was, stop, why do you keep talking, why aren't you stopping, why are you still going??  There was no one to save me.  So she heard almost all the story.  My new job also must not have a lot of gossip, because no one talked to me about it the next day, or the ones after that.  Which is really nice.

So, tomorrow is the day.  We had down to UVA and we get a piece of the puzzle.  If all goes well, it might be the only thing that we need.  If not we will be headed down next month for my turn with procedures.  

Im gonna do it.

Leaving my job in child care has been the best thing I have done in a long time.  (I am still willing to help out friends, but those days are over.)

Most of the time when I set my mind to something, I do it.  (Minus the fact that I have never seemed to be able to stop drinking sodas, and I am not a teacher.)  When things were going bad at the child care facility, I began looking for jobs.  I decided that I was worth more than a job that wanted me to work with my own vomit in my hair, and then turned around and took the time away from me.  I decided that I was worth more than someone calling me a loser, or that I was lazy for not completing a bulletin board that I still had time to do.  I wanted to be worth my education, and I wanted to work somewhere where I could have time for myself and the things that I needed to do.  I looked for other jobs.  I found another job, and I love this job.  This is my career, (however if you would like to submit my blog to a book deal or somewhere to make money, I can do that too!!)

I have been putting off going to the Dr since February.  Since February, I have thought and believed that I would be pregnant.  This is not the case.  I spent most of April and May playing phone tag with my Dr.  No one in the office could give me the information that I needed, and I was on lunch when they were.  They gave me the wrong number, which I called.  When I called this number (we will call the lady, "devil lady," cause omg she was rude) devil lady asked what I needed.  I explained that I needed to have a uterine dye test done (not remembering or knowing what the technical term for it was) and that my husband needed a seamen analsys.  Devil lady asked if I was a patient of Dr Evans, I explained that I wasn't and that I had an OBGYN.  Devil lady was like Dr Evans won't sign off for you to have this done unless you are his patient.  At this point I am more than angry.  I explain the whole thing again, and I let her know for maybe the 1000th time that I have a husband, that this is not something I'm just trying to do.  Devil lady gets more angry with me and says that she will email Dr Evans  and call me back.  I hung up.

When I finally got a hold of my OBGYN, (new nurse lady we shall call her demon lady) Demon Lady listens to what I have to say and then tells me that they NEVER give the wrong number.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  Demon lady explains that she doesn't know what number I have but this is the number to Dr Bateman and Dr Williams and we give this out all the time.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  So I get angry, I explain one last time.  I tell Demon lady the number, and she is like well you wrote it down wrong.  NO Demon Lady I did not.  I didn't write it someone in your office did, and if I could come in, I would show it to you.  Demon lady is trying to hurry me off the phone.  I gladly hang up because I have had more than enough.

I am now left with a phone number and and option.  Hubby and I have been trying to weigh it all out.  We are trying to decide what is best for us, and it has been tough.  What we have decided is that we are going to change insurance to my job.  And we are going to have the procedure done, but after that we are going to go to a different OBGYN.  We have had enough of this.  You would think that Drs who are in the business of bringing more people in the world would be more helpful to someone who is trying to bring/create another person.  I have almost hit the 2 year mark in this and I am more than ready to be a mommy.  I'm not saying that I am going to be great at it.  But I am going to try hard.  I will make mistakes, but I will be so grateful for that little person.  I still have the disclaimer that if you are a part of my family and you have a baby that if you steal my kids name I am still going to name them the name, so look out.  So far only one has, and I love little "A."  Happy June!!!!!