Tuesday, June 28, 2016

What people don't understand

I think that I should have put warning signs and disclaimers all over this blog.  I need a tagline, "Warning: I will probably offend or make you angry at any given time.  Proceed with caution.  If you don't want to be apart of my blog, then you need to remove yourself from my life until I have made my baby."  I also need to wear this around my neck...

(This is from Postsecret, if you have never read the book or looked at you are missing out.  I'm sure that this one will be about me one day.  Sorry, not sorry!)

Today, I didn't intend to sit down and write this blog about babies or IVF.  The thought in my mind was actually going to be about dogs.  But, with the time that I have been having, it was there, and sometimes damnit, my fingers do the talking.

I promise you that I am an ordinary person, I am not peculiar, I don't have magic powers (even though I think that my Hogwarts letter is extremely late), but, when I take Birth Control Pills (B.C.P) I feel like a deranged woman.   My wonderful hubs refers to it as this: Evil unhappy Crystal.  I can't help it.  Sometimes I think that if I just be quiet people will stop talking to me, or they will stop trying to change my mood, in which I CANNOT control.  However, they go on and on non-stop and expect me to not be irritated.  Ugg, remember that I can't control it, and if I randomly till you to shut up, it is because that is the ONLY thing nice that is going to come from me.  

You see what people don't understand... is that I get all crazy, to become that crazy pregnant woman.  And when things don't go my way, which already bugs me, I get really really angry.  I really like to be in control, at least of something, because lord knows that I can't be in control of this crazy baby journey.

(The above was written on Saturday, and now continued, in I'm sure a different way of going on Tuesday.)

So, I found out on Saturday that I have to inject Lupron daily.  Not just once a week, so I had a minor freak out, and was really grouchy all day.  My Hubs is thankfully, really good at giving shots, so I'm not going to worry about the pain right now.  Also, my shots cost me $180, because my Insurance doesn't cover any compounds.  I would also kindly like to stop taking birth control.  

I'm trying to take this one day at a time.  Trying not to worry about an outcome or the shots, or anything.  It is a lot harder than you think.  I am in a state of worry.  I worry that we waited too long to try to have babies, I worry that we won't be good parents, I worry and worry.  And worrying is not my thing, it is actually something that my grandma does the best.  I need to leave the worrying to her and just pray to God for the rest of it.  

Love and Baby Dust!!!

Monday, June 20, 2016

Honey, without the american

Have you ever been caught in a thought process, in which you can't escape?  You keep having the same thought, but it is as if this thought exists in a different story line?  Currently I am reading, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, in the story, not to give too much away, there are loops; A day that happens over and over again, however the day is only changed by little things, otherwise the same.  

I have begun to feel this way.  Like my days are all the same.  The only thing different is small things, like what I have to eat or wear, otherwise all the same.  My thoughts are much jumbled, and they are not coming out clear at all.  I always try not to write/think/talk about my IVF journey on a daily basis, however I have to come to learn it is what it is.  This is me now, and I really have to accept it.

So, here I am sitting at my computer at 9:30 at night, trying to do what I do best, dodge around the subject.  When I should just do the other thing that I do best and talk about it.  IVF round 2 starts tomorrow.  Okay, it isn't a big step tomorrow, but it is headed in that direction.  So, I wanted to rewind a little bit and just say some things that maybe I have left out, maybe I haven't.  It is honestly hard to go back and reread what I have blogged about, some of it is super hard and other times, I just don't want to look at it.  

Here it is: Please Press Rewind:

American Honey:  I love the country group Lady Antebellum.  On their 2nd album, they released a song called American Honey.  I was all ears.  The song just talked about a girl that grew up with simple things, I felt like it was a girl growing up outside playing, not a care in the world.  And so, when I got married, it was the song that I used in our video.  American Honey also seem like this sweet loving person, who was just looking for some love and growing.  There you go, the name came and here we are, a year or so in.  I lost count at some point with having to keep up with how many years that we have been working on this and how many years I have been writing about this.

UVA Reproductive Endocrinologists:  for short RE.  They are a weird/awesome/crazy/empathetic group of people.  I am not sure if I have described them on here, so here goes.
Dr. Williams is a laid back man, probably in his 50's, who is very direct, however he leaves out some things.  For example, in our first meeting he asks me to explain my cycles, so I let him know that at the start of my cycle I get a really bad headache/migraine, I let him know that sometimes they are debilitating, I can't get out of bed, or I feel the need to vomit all day long.  Dr. Williams says, oh I know why, I'll tell you shortly.  However, he forgets to tell me.  And there is so much going on that I forget to ask him again.  
Dr. Bateman is an older man, I'd say that he is easily in his 60's.  Dr. B is super quiet, but explains everything.  Dr. B also explains things to the point of where if he wants you to do something, you do it, sometimes without thinking.  I like him, but not the best.  I would take him over Dr. Williams any day.  Because for one thing Dr. Williams smiles at you all the time, which could freak you out.  But, when you are worried about growing embys in your body, and are hopeful that they are big and he is smiling at you telling you that they aren't, you forget how worried you are.
Dr. Smith is a lady, yep the only one besides the nurses in the entire practice.  She is sweet, Dr. Smith is really stylish with her glasses and hair.  Oh and if you really really want to know what she is doing, she tells you EVERYTHING.  From the way the rubber bends on the plastic, to how open your tubes are.  Dr. Smith is by far the nicest of the bunch, and usually you don't get to see her.  I saw her 3 times.  I was thankful each time, because I saw her when I thought my days were really really bad.  
Bonnie, IVF coordinator;  Bonnie is sweet, but it took me some time to bond with her.  I am talking, that I went my entire first round and didn't really feel a connection with her.  She was there one day, and I felt bad after I left, because I am pretty sure that I didn't talk to her the entire time that she was talking to me.  (To redeem myself I have now talked to her twice this time around, and I find her calming, though I am really trying to figure out her accent as I don't know where she is from, and it bothers me!!)
Stephanie, IVF coordinator; Stephanie is loud, a fast talker, loves my Alex and Ani bracelets (she checks them out each time she takes my blood), she wears a flower in her side bun, and the kicker she is from... Pittsburgh.  On the day that my embrys were put back in, in my valuum state, I told her that I wore my Steelers shirt just for her, right before I smacked into a wall and she had to guide me down to the room.  
Wendy, nurse..  only remember her name because she took my blood almost every single day.  Oh and I used to work with a kid with that name.  Even though, I am not really sure if that is her name.  She has curly hair and likes to talk a lot, and she apologizes when she hurts my arms.  She gets lots of brownie points.  
The lady that checks me out; takes my money, don't be dirty people.  I have no idea what her name is.  Honestly I don't even think that she looks at my paperwork, she knows that I paid.  She just tells me, I'll see you tomorrow.

The Check in nurse, her name might be Pam.  I am really not sure.  When they took my embrys she was the one that helped me in and out.  She kept trying to get me to eat after they took them.  I wanted no part of food.  She was however really nice, I did forget to tell her that one of the side affects that I have to anestha is crying on controllably when I wake up.  She was really alarmed, and thought that I need food.  I promised her that I was okay.  
Magic Juice Anestha man;  I have no idea what his name is.  I told him that I was nervous and he had me out before I could get all that out.  He is my BFF.  I was out for the procedure and then I came home and was out for the rest of the day.  

So that was my rewind:  now here we are going to start round 2.  I don't know what to think, because it looks like I will be on my own, no daily check ins.  Just me and my shot guru; the hubs.  Which he is going to have to teach people how to give me shots as he will be going out of town some of the time.  I am going to try to take more pictures this time around.  I promise no nudes.  But here goes nothing!
Love and baby dust.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Crystal's cooking in the kitchen...

I'm sure that there are much harder things in life than this diet that I have put myself on in order for I.V.F success.  But, this does take the cake.  First there is looking at every label the things that you put in your mouth.  Which can do 2 things when you are at the grocery store: 1. Is very time consuming, and 2: means that you buy a lot less than what you had set out to buy.  Mind you all I want to do right now is eat beef jerky/slim jims, cheese, and drink a slurpee, but I yet to do any of those.  I'd also like a big bowl of broccoli cheese soup, which I should have had before I started all this.  (Damn it).

I have decided that I am going to have to go to pinterest and google and find some other things to eat.  In starting this diet I have made myself sick twice now.  (Today was the worst and I haven't been able to really get off the couch).  As funny as it sounds I don't think that I am eating enough.  Because, I am just trying to stick with this.  And I am really already tired of eating chicken and fruit.  I need some fish and other things in my diet, but because I was on such a hunt for other things that didn't have gluten, I forgot to stop by the meat section of the store.  

What's really funny is how people act when you cannot have something.  I was at the local bbq joint in my town, and they put my favorite thing back on the menu, which happens to be nachos (I LOVE NACHOS.)  So, when I got up to the counter I asked for them without cheese.  The lady was so shocked, she was like what, why?  So, I had to explain that I can't have cheese.  Which is the part of the diet that I have 100% for sure stayed away from, even though I really don't want to.  So then she had to tell the cook to make sure that he knew that she didn't type it in wrong.  It was funny.

But sometimes it isn't so funny.  Such as when you are at a party and someone says yummy veggies and ranch, and you explain that you can't have the ranch, cause you can't have dairy.  And they keep asking why.  Sometimes I don't want to wear the I.V.F/infertility label on my forehead.  Sometimes, I just want to be out and feel a since of this is not happening to me.  I know that some people will say, "But you chose to be public, so what is the big deal?"  But, I do meet new people, and they have no idea what is going on with me unless I say something.  

Another example:  I work at a bank.  Many people come in a out, man people love to talk to me.  I don't mind starting up conversations with people.  However, one of the lovely ladies from the doctor's office in town let me know that we have another pregnant girl in our office and that I better watch.  I tried to respond in a good way, I think that I did.  I told her that I wouldn't mind.  And she was like are you ready?  I had to explain that I had/have been ready for a while, and then she asked well then why aren't you pregnant?  Then I had to explain the entire I.V.F thing.  Darn it.  I thought that maybe I could at least avoid it at work.  

I would love to eat a cheeseburger and cal it a day.  But I cannot do that.  I will not do that.  I will keep going!  Love and Baby dust.