Saturday, January 21, 2017


I have just wrote about half a blog and deleted it all.  Sometimes those thoughts are not meant to come out just yet.  

I am stuck.  Mentally, stuck.  I have come to a point in this process where I don't know how to handle myself in certain situations. I cannot break down the wall and figure it out.  For that I may need some therapy one day.  But, for right now I'm just trying to push through.  Or, I am trying to learn how to push through.

The only thing that I really know how to do is to hide, in my house.  You would think that I was really good at hide and seek at a child.  But, I was awful at it.  I would give myself away because I would start laughing the minute that someone came near me.  

I had all sorts of points in this blog, but none of them seem to be materializing.  I could start over, but that seems like a waste. Let me try again....

I have a hard time knowing that people are pregnant (there is the point of my blog).  I don't know what to do with myself.  For the longest time I would just try to think "oh your time is coming" (meaning me not them).  But, now I just can't help but be sad.  Sad, because I don't know when my time is coming.  And sad because the years don't stop coming.   

I am also having a hard time right now because after our 2nd IVF cycle and coming down from the IVF meds I began to lose my hair.  At first it wasn't that bad, and the weather was getting cooler so I thought that might have something to do with it. I do shed more in the cooler months than in the summer. But, it go worse.  Much worse after stopping all medications.  For example, if I try to curl my hair there is not enough thickness to get it to curl.  Other places, my hair brush, the shower, and having to sweep the floor. :( It is not a thing that I know how to do.  I have always had lots and lots of hair.  

I know that many people lose their hair, I understand I get it.  But, I don't know how to deal with all these things coming at me at one time.  I don't know if there is a way to figure it out.  

In other news; Hubs and I started the Paleo diet on Wednesday the 18th.  And if our scale is right I have lost 4lbs and he has lost about 6lbs.  Today is the only day that I have had a craving.  I want some pop corn.  I might give in and have it for a snack tonight.  But, I might be good and not.  Just wait one more day for my foot ball game.  For now I'll leave you with love and baby dust.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

"Y" Factor

Every sperm is either an x or a y chromosome, most of us learn this in biology, but in case you didn't now you know.  All eggs are female, they only have an x chromosome, so when the two mix the sperm decides if the child is female (x) for male (y).  I never knew that a male could have a y factor deficiency.  I also didn't know that this could affect the production of sperm.  See, most of the time we learn that if a male has low testosterone that it will affect the production, but there isn't much more to learn.  That is until you go and see a specialist.  

I used to think that all my Embabies were boys.  Mainly because usually those are the slowest swimming sperm and they are easier to grab (wow, now I thinking that and Embryologist can grab a sperm, when we can't even see it!!!), since we had to do ICSI (that is just a fancy term for taking sperm and putting it directly into and egg).  But, now I'm not so sure.  Now, I'm thinking that I had all girls.  

I have been thinking about the Embabies quite a bit lately.  For reasons unknown to me, I have been thinking about the 1st 2 that we implanted, the most.  I guess I just remember.  I know when they would have been born.  I know their birthday.  I know that they would have been almost 3 months old.  I'm not sure why I hold them so dear?  Is it the first try thing?  Is it all my hopes were in those 2 and not the other 2? Or was it that I was so sure that they were going to happen, I didn't have a  thought in my mind that they wouldn't?

Whatever the reason, when I think about them it is hard.  I wouldn't say that I go daily thinking about them. It is just little things. Such as a date, or when I see twins, or something about twins.  Then my mind wonders to them.  I haven't forgot about the other 2, I just had the date of the 1st 2 in my head, and my mind will not let it go.

I don't like to talk about the Hubs much.  I know that many of you will read this and think that we have found some miracle and are working on it... not the case, stop dreaming.  Simply put, he has a story to tell and I'm not telling it.  I'm telling my story.  Sometimes this is about both of us, but I'm being totally selfish, and this is about me.   

I'm always waiting for the other show to magically drop. I always think that something is going to happen, but it never does.  The heartbreak from IVF is real.  It's a pain that can never be undone.  I used to wonder how these women could do a cycle over and over, how they could try for years, and then still have hope.  I don't wonder about that anymore.  I know why they do it.  They do it because they want a family, and this is the only way that it can be done.  I now put myself there.  I have stuck those needles in my belly, my hubs has to me, and so has my mom.  I have waited for the Beta to come back and be high.  I have waited for Egg retrieval day, and hoped that all 17 eggs that they were looking at come out of my body, and then they don't.  I have said to God, "Y" and then changed it to, "God I have put this in your hands, I trust that this is the path that you put us on, please continue to show us."  The only thing that I can't push through is those girls that are now getting pregnant.  Or got pregnant around the time that I was using my last transfer.  That is hard.  That is something that I doubt will change.  But, the funny thing about those transfers, in September and November, I don't know exactly when those Embabies would be do, not without really thinking about it.  I wonder to mYself if that is God's way of helping me out.  If he knew that I wouldn't be able to handle 3 months out of there year of total breakdown, that one would be enough?  And that one time would happen to be my favorite time of year, and that I would be so busy thinking about Anniversary's and Halloween that I would ALMOST forget until it passed me bye?

I try to think of my blessing and count on them. I try to think about things in a positive.  I try to move forward.  I think of each day as a new chance.  I sometimes think that we are not going through IVF and everything will just turn out okay.  Then, I think that I have fooled myself and just hope that I can continue to do it.  That I can just make it through the day, without crying, or melting down.  With out a constant reminder. I thank you all for the love and support that you have given to me.  So for now, I wish you love and baby dust!!!!

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Onward, 2017

I was going to write a blog about how 2016 was hard, and I just wanted to forget it.  So, I'm going to take the part of just going to forget and and run with it.  Instead, I have decided to try and find some positive and get moving with that.

For 2017, there are a lot of things that I would like to get done.  I don't want to call them resolutions, because to be honest I have NEVER been good at keeping those, so I really think that they are a waste of time.  So, I'd like to present to you in no order my so called 2017 goals....

Follow The Paleo diet
Get 10,000, 2 times a week or more
Drink more water
Travel, any where. (Life Goal is to get to all 50 states)
Go to Pittsburgh and watch a Steelers game
Go to Disney Land (CA)
Get Pregnant
Get another Boxer
Be at peace with myself
Continue to tell my story
Pay off some debt
Think before I speak
Be a good friend
Talk less, listen more
Be Thankful
Have more get-to-gethers
Read all of the Harry Potter books again
Read The Miss Peregrine's series
Keep the house clean
Buy less, save more
Buy what I need, not what I want
Not focus my entire time on IVF
Read the Bible

I am sure that there are more.  I am sure that I could think about all of it.  I had a lot of good in 2016.  My life is really good.  I just have to remember to be humble and thankful.  I leave you today with a lot of love and baby dust.