Sunday, December 18, 2016

(Not So) Happy Christmas

I have been absent from here.  I'm very sorry for that.  The hardest part of the year has come, and I was not ready for it.  I was honestly not prepared for December to roll back around, and me be childless.  But, here we are again.  I have tried really hard to be thankful for EVERYTHING that I have, but to be honest with you I am really tired of all that.  I have really tried not to be bitter, but it's there and I can't stop it.  

When we had our last BFN I went quickly into shut down mode.  This time I didn't know what to do with myself.  I honestly didn't want to have to pick back up and move on.  I didn't think that I could learn to be happy.  I am really good at pretending, but I am pretty awful at faking it.  You might think that they are the same.  But, they really are not.  Pretending is me making small talk with clients at work, going on about my daily business, and pretending that IVF never happened to me.  Faking is being happy when I just want to crawl back in bed or just making due.  Think of it this way, remember when you were little and you would pretend play, you could be just about anything that you wanted (I always pretended to be a teacher).  Now if you faked it you wouldn't play at all.  Faking means to me that it didn't happen at all.  I'm really good at pretending.  

I wanted to skip right over Christmas.  I still want to.  But, it has come really fast, and I am still here to tell the tale.  I am however, not sure what the worst part about this Christmas is.  The fact that I could have a 2 month old and I don't, or the fact that I could be 3 or 1 months pregnant.  I really can't decide.  I think that I am leaning more towards the fact that I could have a 2 month old.  Honestly I really imagine what they would be like (there were 2 embabies that time).  I get really sad about it.  It is like I am a puzzle and I am not put together because I am missing a piece.  

I am now also finding it really hard to have an answer when people are asking me about IVF, and babies and all of that.  My thoughts are not together, and I really don't know what is a good answer.  I guess there is no good one.  

Sometimes I hear people say that they get mad at other women that have babies, because they have done what their body cannot.  I don't feel that way.  I have been told that my body can get pregnant, and until someone tells me different I won't feel that way.  I get mad at people who are bad parents, I get mad at people who have more than 3 kids, I get mad at people who take their kids for granted.  I get mad at my Hubs when he tells me that a tradition that I want to keep for my kids is stupid, because we might not ever have them (he was just really upset, to be fair to him, so don't leave him hate in the comments).  I get mad when I think that I have wasted an entire year and I didn't get pregnant and the Dr's don't offer me anything.  That is when I get mad.  I also get mad when I know that the spirit of Christmas is in a young child and it is the BEST time of year to have one, and I don't.  

So I am going to make my way through Christmas.  I am really trying.  I am dressing up, I have gone to holiday parties, where I put on my cheer and tried hard.  I am going to be happy on Christmas day and I am going to spoil my 4 furbabies.  And then the day after I am going to pretend that Christmas never came and went.  And I am going to focus on the fact that they New Year is going to come and that is new options.  And I am going to try and be a good family member, wife, and friend.  And I am going to leave it all behind.  I cannot change things, I can just hope that they get better.  So for now, Happy Christmas and Merry New Year!!  (Love and Baby Dust too!!)

Friday, December 2, 2016


The IVF process has made me feel very entitled.  Now, you might think that it means that I feel entitled to have a baby or to become pregnant.  However, that is not the case.  I feel a different kind of entitlement.  I logged on facebook this morning just to search around.  I have logged on in a while, I do from time to time, I just really only look at what is on my page, and then I quickly log off, never stopping to look at the news feed.  Today I did.  Whoops, BAD IDEA.  

Image result for Hagrid saying I should have not said that

What I found was happy and sad at the same time.  2 of my friends are pregnant.  (Congratulations, by the way!!)  There maybe more.  But, I had to stop scrolling.  I quickly signed off.  My entitlement comes from this.  I think that when someone is pregnant I think that I should be the first to know.  I know, I'm an ass.  I have been feeling like this for some time.  Through numerous ladies pregnancies.  Sometimes, it is like this.. "I just talked to you, you couldn't have told me then?"  I forget that I probably the LAST person on their mind to tell.  They they forget about me when they are sharing their happy news.  Which, makes me laugh that I feel that way.  But, it is the way it is.

We have, to put it lightly a "good run of bad luck."  As many of you are not aware of, because I choose not to share this time, we had our final transfer on the 16th of November.  And it didn't work again.  This time I was not prepared for the bad news.  I had felt so much different than the previous 2 times.  And so when the call came in, it was a shock.  Now, there is nothing.  We don't have anymore embryos, and they really didn't offer much as to why, this didn't work.

After a failed cycle, they have this meeting to discuss what could be done different.  They called me yesterday.  The first thing out of her mouth was another sorry, but then she said that we had told Dr. Williams that there wasn't any more money so they didn't talk about anythings.  Wait, what??  You didn't talk about anything?  I mean, you could have said anything about doing anything different and you didn't.  They are honoring my request to send my hubs to another Dr, for another opinion.  This just made me angry, the entire thing made me angry.

So, I did what I could only do.  I reached out to my TTC Sisters (TTC= trying to Conceive).  Ironically the day that I decide to do all of this different things fall into place.  That morning, I didn't want to get out of bed.  It was the first morning that I had to go back to work after finding out the news, and it was the first morning that I woke with out the hubs there.  Anyways, by not getting out of bed I missed "Live with Kelly" and I didn't feel like watching "Rachel Ray."  My TV was on TLC from the night before, and as I was getting ready making my tea and breakfast, this show came on that I had never seen before, "Birth Moms."  I watched it so intently.  When I went to work that day, my Area Supervisor had come in.  I haven't seen her for a while,  but she commented on how I was not acting the same.  I had to explain to her what had happened.  And she tells me a story of a friend who adopted, and then became pregnant.  I had a friend that did the same.  And it has always been in the back of my mind.  She also told me about Shady Grove Fertility.  

(This Blog is long, I'm sorry I have a lot to say.)

When we were going through all of this Dr. Bell (my obgyn) suggested either UVA or Shady Grove.  I picked UVA because a friend of mine had been there to fix a problem that she was having when she couldn't get pregnant, and I knew that I could get myself there, if need be without a problem.  (I get lost in a paper bag.)  As far as I knew the closest Shady Grove was in Reston.  I didn't know if I could manage that.  Well a year later, there is a Shady Gove in Gainesville.  (My home town, if you know.)  I can get there.  So, the question comes "Should I switch?"  I had to reach out to the TTC community so see if anyone had been there.  I found that one of the girls that I talk to went there, and she loved it.  So, I did a little more research.  Also I started looking more and more into some of the girls that I follow on Instragram.  I found something that I had been thinking about for a long time, I have one thing different than ALL of them.  My protical (they way the IVF process happens.)  

And it is not just a little bit different, it is a lot.  From the amount of medications (and I know this differs from girl to girl), the the various medications, and the amount of times that there endometrial lining is checked (mine is once), also the amount of times that there progesterone is checked before hand.  When the Dr. calls me and doesn't offer any changes, these are all things that I feel that can be changed.  And I am willing to do all of them.  I'm not saying that we are going to change clinics, right now we don't have the funds to do that.  But, we are considering it.  (first thing is a trip to another Dr.)  

The 2nd thing that I mentioned above was Birth Moms and Adoption.  I have always had adoption in the back of my mind.  But, that night as I thought about it even more, I was awake with a few fears.  I had watched Birth Moms, and I had seen how sad those woman were to place their babies.  They are giving a great gift.  But, I didn't know if I could be on the receiving end of that.  One reason is I cry over someone having to give their dog up, how could I stand there and receive someone's child? The other thing that kept me up, was once I receive this gift, what if the mom wants it back?  This is why I can't foster.  Many people have told me that I should.  I cannot.  I cannot fall in love with a child, and then have to give it back.  That is a great fear.  

So, I sit in limbo.  I sit here thinking about what is next.  What will happen.  I am hopeful, doubtful, but hopeful.  I wish you love and baby dust.