In the book of life.
It is funny how things turn out. But, everyone has a "Book of Life." I thought that my book would be normal and boring. Honestly, I had my life planned out at 16... none of that has worked out very well. I'm still happy, and believe that I have a really good book. But, I think that I have found a new calling, and I need to figure out how to get there.
In 2012, my life changed. Not one of those; "In an instant" kind of deals, more gradual than that. Mike and I would be celebrating our first year of Marriage that October and 11 years together that same month. We decided that we were ready to add littles to our family. (We also added a Boxer, she is our little too!!) But, you all know that didn't go according to plan.
Since then I lived and breathed trying to have a baby. It consumed me, changed me, took up space in parts of my life that I didn't know it could. When we finally made the choice in December of 2015 to move forward with IVF, I felt SO alone. I didn't think that I knew anyone that was going through this or had gone through it. Thank God, for Instagram and finally coming to terms with the truth on Facebook. But, that is not what this is about.
I feel like I have walked through fire. I lived that chapter, but I wasn't sure if I could ever close it. Many times after having Emilia I would talk about it. You are fresh out of it, and think that it is over. But, that shit hits you like a shit ton of brinks and comes from left field and you have no idea what the hell happened. There is NO safety net to catch you, trust me I have looked for one. I hate the term, "It will get better." or "You will get over it." There is nothing to get better, I can't change the fact that I am infertile and I can't get over the fact that my body doesn't work like it is "supposed" to.
BIG BUT HERE!
The thing is, you get to a point... whatever you want to call it. Where you stop sharing it. You don't forget, but it doesn't come out of your mouth like word vomit. I'm saying this because I have now had 2 times where I could spell the beans and talk about it for the ENTIRE time that I was getting my hair cut and pictures taken, but I didn't. I sat getting my hair cut, and when asked if I had kids, I said "Yes, one girl, Emilia." Then I talked about her. How she is sassy and talks my ear off. How she likes tomatoes and I can't figure out why, because I hate them. How she is nervous around new people like Mike and she wants to stranger danger everyone. That's what came out of my mouth.
And it was the sweetest things and best thing about all of it. I was just a normal person, getting my hair cut. Watching my baby get her pictures taken. I was active again in life. I wasn't watching from the sidelines. I wasn't loving other kids like they were my own. I was loving my baby with my entire heart, with every WORD that came from my mouth. The song of my soul was different, much better and I loved it.
I know that it is not over. But, for now Mike and I are really happy. Emilia is that light of out lives. When people ask about having another baby, I do get offended. We aren't there yet. And there is nothing that says that any of what we did to get Emilia will work for another baby. We have plans and dreams for her. These things, do not include another baby right now. They are for her, and some for us. Mike and I put our lives on hold from December 2015 to January 2018 to have Emilia. We want to take her to Disney. We want to go to places we have said we would. We are also not taking for granted that she is a miracle, in more ways that just conception. To add onto this, just one more thing, my body took those IVF drugs from December 2015 to March of 2018, with a few breaks here and there. But, I need a big break. And I am taking it.
So for now take in all of Emilia. Play with her. Cuddle her. Enjoy her photos and dancing. She will grow and change and if we all don't pay attention, we will miss it. And no matter what, I wish you love and baby dust.
