Happy Halloween! My most favorite time!!! I hope that you get your fun on today, and are safe!!!
I have been going to a church group for a little while. I have been really wanting to go, and finally my friend took me. It is a mom's group, and for a little while I felt like a fraud; I'm not a mom yet. The first time that I was there I didn't want to share my story, however my friend kept nudging me to do so. I didn't. To be honest, I'm not used to sharing my story in person. People either find out through social media, already know, or they see me become upset over something silly and they find out what is going on. It's not that I don't want to share my story, it is that sometimes it is hard. I get a lot of mixed reactions; some people are really nice about it and think that it is something amazing that I am doing, others ask a lot of questions (Which I don't mind) because they don't understand, some are stunned... then there is the last group: hate/ anger or thinking that this is something that the Hubs makes me do. I don't know about you people in that last group. I cannot say it enough, Hubs does not force me to do this. I want a child, WE want a child and so we have to figure this out.
Anyways: There has been a question that has come up several times that I have been in group. It is similar to this; "Do you trust God? Do you trust Him to follow through on all His promises to you?" This has weighed heavy on me for sometime. And that is when it came out. I told them my story (they are not strangers now) but many of the ladies sitting in that room were strangers, and I am sitting here sharing my IVF story with tears pouring down my face. I got to thinking about why I might have had the tears, because usually I can say my story and I can keep it together, and then I realized the day that it was; or better yet the day after the day that it was. It was the 26th of October, and I realized that I had made it through my due date of the first embryos of the 25th without batting an eye. I was so busy to not pay attention to what day it was. I was thankful for that. I was thankful for sitting with the group of ladies and being distracted until that question came about. I am thankful for anytime that I am busy. Because, if I am not keeping my mind busy, then I am thinking about them. And now I have 3 to think about. I realized that the 26th would have marked the 1st 24 hours of being a mom. And the emotions and the hormones just came up everywhere.
I have yet to figure this all out. I still have a lot of understanding. The hardest part to hear still is; "You can't make the embryo stick, it has to do that itself." I'd rather hear something else. I'd rather hear anything else. It's hard when my favorite time of year comes around and I have no kids to take photos of or dress up. I try to keep it busy, and just think about being thankful for anything. It is hard when some of your times is spent just thinking. I don't know how to get through some of that. I'm trying.
When people come and talk to me about what I am going through, and they try to sympathize with me, I don't really like it. I also don't like when people blame the Hubs, or say that he is putting me through this. That isn't the case. I'm not sure how to say that enough. We are in this together. We are a team, and there is no I in team, there is a me, but that is only if you put it backwards. I have said that my relationship with God has been a struggle. I am not lying about that. I have God on one shoulder and I'm sure the devil trying to sit on the other. I am trying not to listen. I think that this is the path that I was put on. I think that telling my story is what is wanted. I am trusting that it is. I am trusting that this will work. I am trusting. I keep trusting. I keep trusting and I keep praying. So, for now I wish you a Wonderful Halloween and Love and Baby Dust!!
Since leaving facebook, I have felt ever so... free. Plus I have battery to save on my phone. I never really realized how much I checked that thing. Anyways...
I have realized that sometimes God answers your prayers in different ways. And sometimes he isn't answering you at all. That is something that I am learning to handle. I honestly want to be okay with whatever comes my way. But, I am really not good at that. Not even a little bit.
Tomorrow I have to take my puppies (real puppies not my embryos) to the vet. I am very worried about taking them. The Boxer is fine. She is perfect health, she just has to have her Rabies. Hubs will have to take her to the car afterwards, because the rotten dog has as much anxiety in her 70lbs as I have in all of me. Emma is fine too, she is my other rat, she just needs a check up and a rabies shot. It's Jake that I worry about. He has these lumps on him, and he is old. And all I can think of is they are going to say something about him, and I am going to lose my mind.
Right now my dogs are my kids (I include the cat as a dog, because he is weird and acts like one), and to lose one of them is like losing a piece of my soul. Rotten I know. I'm just worried.
Okay, so I don't really have an update. This is just simple life, leading a simple life. (Okay it's not really that simple.) As I am sitting at my keyboard with writers block, trying to think of a way to wow you; I have none. I think about my story, what is the purpose of this and that, what is the next chapter of this book of life? But, isn't that the way life goes? You are not really writing the book, you are living it. But, as I sit here trying to write, I realize that tomorrow is a blank page for you to live again. Even if you sit around trying to be productive or change things, you can or you can't.
I guess my update is that I have a lot of worry. In a person that has worrying in her jeans, I have a lot to worry. I want to stop worrying but how do I do that?
So, if you need to find me, you can find me here. If you need more daily updates you can find my on instagram, which I must warn you they are mainly updates on my puppies. For now as always, I wish you love and baby dust.
Honestly sometimes I think that it would be easier to call it a day, and get another boxer.
Look at that cute face. (and that isn't even my girl.) But, then I realize how far in we are, and I realize that if I give up now, I'll have so many regerts that they outweigh everything else. Yes, I put myself through this. No one is forcing me. I want a baby, and this is the option. When you believe that this is your point, that this is your purpose, then you keep doing what you have to do.
It is funny how this has become my story. This is my book of life. I think that I say that often. I wanted to change the world, and sometimes I feel like this is how I'm going to do it. Did you know that most insurances don't offer you any type of discount on fertility treatments? Did you also know that they will cover some things to find out why you can't have baby, but they will not help you make one? Did you also know that it is expensive to have a baby, some couples pay for birthing their children until they are 2 and 3 years old? If you have male issue fertility then there are some help out there for you. Most insurances will pay for surgery or anything else that your partner will need to create a child. I really thought that Obama was supposed to fix that for all of us? I mean shouldn't I have access to the health care that I want and need? I thought that was what it was? I also thought that I was supposed to be able to get a job that I wanted after completing college? It was what my generation has been told over and over again.
I know that this is ranting. I get it. I also get that you are sometimes tired of hearing me rant, but you keep reading my blog, so something is keeping you coming back, and thanks for that. All political things aside, we are just trying to keep working through this. We are close to the holidays, ugg the food one. I hate Thanksgiving, don't judge me. But, I am not one for food holidays. I am way too picky and really I could just spend time with family and be fine. I like Christmas for the gifts, I like to give. But, lately I have been awful at giving things. This is probably not the best time to find out that you are not pregnant. In fact it is the worst time. I remember when we were trying the natural way. I hadn't become vocal, and my period was late, it was no big deal. I really never had a time where it came when it was supposed to. But, we decided to test... around Christmas time. It was negative, I just cried. I also remember thanking, okay I have to act normal the rest of the day. And I really don't want to do Christmas right now. When these test come out negative, I just want to spend the day in bed. (I did that last Monday.) I ordered pizza, I drank a soda and I just layed on the couch under my covers. The protection of my covers is unlike anything else.
It is also hard to pick yourself up and get going with life again. I just remember that negative test around Christmas time. How I cried at home, and then just pretended to be normal all day. That is what I do. Some days I'm really good at it and some days I totally suck at it. When a customer comes into work, and I try and act happy, and then they do something stupid and I get all pissy, yeah I'm just trying to act normal. Normal, what even is that??? Well, I can't spend my entire day blogging, or bitching. I have things to do. But, I really want to spend my day in my pjs. So for now I wish you love and baby dust.
I am not sure where I fall into this category. October is Pregnancy and Infant loss month, as well as many other things. So I don't think that I really fall into this. Factually I have never been pregnant, only PUPO (it is what we in the IVF world call the 2 week wait from transfer to pregnancy test, PUPO stands for Pregnant until proven otherwise) I have had 2 of those. So, I will not say that I am 1 in 4 because I have not lost a pregnancy, and I haven't lost a baby. I have only lost an Embryo, 3 of them to be fact. So, I am still the 1 and 8, and will spam you with that when Infertility month comes around. (I guess that is a little PSA for you.)
We were trying very hard to hide the fact that we had a transfer. But, I am honestly not a cryptic as I'd like to be. I personally told a few people, and many of my family knew. We had every hope and intent that this was going to be it. That this would be our baby. The stars were lining up. It was fall (in face we transferred on the first day of fall) and test day was on the 3rd of October, and you know me you know my thing with 3's. But, as luck would have it I began to doubt some VERY serious symptoms that I was having, and when it gets in my head, there is no turning back. I was praying that it was all in my head, not the symptoms of course, but the fact I doubted my body. But, luck was not on my side, and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative). This time with no explanation.
Let me back up just a little bit from there. On our first try the cards were not in our favor. My body did not like the medication that I was put on at all. The eggs that I made were small, and of low quality. On our last test Dr. Bateman asked if we wanted to continue, or if we wanted to stop and try something else. Hubs and I were so sure that this first time was going to be our only try and it was going to work, that we wanted to continue. We should have stopped that day, paid another 10K and got the money back guarantee package. Hindsight is 20/20. That is what we should have done. Those babies were not meant to be ours, but it doesn't mean the pain of losing them was any different than it was this week.
Because we were not offered any sort of explanation from the nurse who called and told us about the BFN, Hubs wanted me to make an appointment to talk to the Doctor. Honestly it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I didn't want to make another trip, for nothing, and really didn't want to talk to anyone. But, sometimes as a spouse you do things for your husband that you don't want to do, and you make the appointment and you go and talk. I'm glad that I did. When I go down there for my general appointments I don't ask too much. Usually I am in a hurry because I have to make the hour drive back and go to work, other times I am just so excited to see the growth of my eggs when we are going through that time that I just have too much on my mind to think about anything else. So I am glad to talk to the doctor, when he isn't looking at my hooha. (Side note, I was pissed that the receptionist would not allow me to see Dr. Bateman, she said that because Dr. Williams, who I had not seen since June did our initial consult, that they keep you with that person, and I had to see him. Not a bad guy, just when you haven't seen him since June and it is now October, it kinda makes you scratch your head.)
When I went down there, I had in my mind that they were not interested in getting me pregnant, that I was just a random woman that they were going to take some money from, that this was not going to work and then I was going to just stop going down there. After talking to Dr. Williams I felt differently. You see some how some way we made a perfect Embryo, don't ask me how, but we did. Embryos are graded 1 to 8, 1 is the worst, 8 is the best. It is very unlikely to get an 8, and we made an 8. We also made a 7. So, then what is the reason that this didn't work. I'll quote Dr. Williams, "You can't make the embryo stick, there is nothing physically or scientifically that can be done to make it stay, it has to do that on it's own, you did everything perfect." My blood tests were great, everything was great. My puppy just didn't want to stick. Am I devastated? Yes. Do I feel like I can come back from this? Well that has yet to be determined.
The sting is still raw, and it is new.
