Friday, December 19, 2014

I make a horrible Friend....

I am not the best friend that you could ask for, I am the friend that you just get.  I am friendly, I think that I am loyal.  But, I have a ton of flaws and am easily replaceable.  The reasons that I give you might not agree with, but this is a blog about things that I am going through and how I feel about my self.  You can take the disagreements to facebook.  I am also not trying to air all of my business all over the place.  There might not be much about me me that you don't know.  But, then again there are some things that I'm not telling!

1. I am a jealous person.  If you do something for one friend and you don't do it for me, I get jealous.  Now, I don't want you to do the same thing that you did for them as me, I want you to do something equally as good.

2.  I am too darn honest.  Please stop asking me my opinion if you don't want to know the answer.  The dude you are dating, I will say he sucks.  The other friend that you have, yeah she talks about you behind your back and this is what she says.  It used to drive my mom nuts that I would do that.  I can't help it.

3. I will treat you the same as you treat me, in everything.  

4.  I will bend over backwards for you, almost to the point of breaking.  After breaking and doing so much for you, and you not returning it I really have to start asking myself if we were friends cause we were friends or you needed/used me at the time and then don't need/use me anymore.

5. I like to stay home.  I don't like to drive, I like staying at my house.  I drive a long way to work, and used to drive all over the place for work.  Please stop making me come to you.  Come to me sometimes.

6.  I have a bedtime and nighttime routine.  Yeah, Im that person, drives the hubby nuts.  I like to shower at night.  If I don't have time to do so then I will typically not come hang out or make plans if I can't have my shower time.  I also like to sleep in.

7. I miss you even when we haven't spoken or anything for years.  I will randomly think about all the good times that we had together and wonder why we still aren't having good times.

8. I have a husband and 3 dogs and hope to have kids one day.... the last part of that statement should have you going as to why I don't make a good friend.  I am busy.. if you know what I mean.

Okay this was just a blog to not blog about babies all the time.  Reading over this blog it is rather depressing.  If I do not blog before Christmas have a good one.  May all your dreams come true!  Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Bells will be ringing

I have to say that a lot has happened
this year.  From August of this 

year until now, I have felt like I have been at the bottom of the fish bowl, and now I can climb my way out of it.  I have finally found a job, where I will not be laid off during the school year at some point in time.  I did have to take a pay cut, but there is a ton of room to grow.  I am happy about growth.  Because, if you know me the reason I liked Walmart is I could try out all kinds of places and not have to look for a different job.  So this job is really ideal for me.  Please wish me luck in this new adventure.

So Im not sure if I said that I did get news from the doctor, I don't have PCOS.  However, my progestin is in the low end of the normal range and Dr. M likes it to be higher so I go some progesterone.  So far so good.  Please continue to send me happy thoughts and prayers.  I appreciate them.

So, as I have been going through this journey for a year and four months, I have come to some realizations:
1: people will either want to support you or come up with reasons to leave you. 
I can understand this, it isn't easy on the hubby or I.  We can be weird about it, and crazy at the same time.  I will say out loud that I want a baby, I will stare at other people's babies (noticeably) and wonder what our kids will look like.  Hubby just wants people to know when we are doing it.  Yeah we are crazy.  If you have stuck through it with us, thank you.  We love you a ton!

2: I used to be really picky about what month our child would be born in.  Before we were really trying I would tell the hubby that there was not practicing in a certain month cause then our baby would be born in the month, and there were already enough birthday's in the month.  As we have journeyed through this I have no months to be picky about.  I will just be very grateful and excited when it comes. There are no times that are off limits for practicing, so if you call and we don't answer you can assume, we think it's funny!

3: Gender:  now Hubby and I still do not want a house full of boys, but we will take them if that is what God decides.

4: Faith... I have always been a believer, not the kind that goes to church all the time.  Just the type that he is watching and if you pray then good things will happen.  I heard in one week three or four times that God has not picked the baby for you.  Not towards me, but in different things.  Like, I heard it on a show I was watching.  Then the radio, then someone else's conversation..and a few more.  This really seemed to hold true.  We don't know why we are born into the families that we are born to, but there has to be another answer.

5: Hubby and I might be that weird couple without kids, that plan and do and rearrange our house and lives for the kids that we hope to have.  Okay you might have to hang in there for a little bit on this one so that you get the idea of what I am saying.  1st: rooms in our house, if you have come to visit us, we have a pretty big house.  When we invite friends over we always offer for them to stay, we have room and we enjoy company.  Hubby and I have already talked about kicking him out of the office space that it has so that it is a nap/baby/toy/puppy room.  Then we decided which room would house the baby, (no baby yet) we just wanna plan.  2nd: Job, which really doesn't apply for me as I am leaving my job.  The job that I had no sick time, no holiday pay, no leave, no nothing.  The one that I thought was going to advance me into being a teacher.  The one that does not pay for classes for me, but wants me to take them.  The one that will not give me a raise for it.  Then having to work all these crazy hours.  Yeah, I'm out.  I don't have time.  3rd: Hubby and I love kids.  Truly this is one of the reasons that I married him.  He has a big heart, and likes to play with kids.  Hubby is nurturing, and he is a softy... especially for brown eyed girls!  Okay, enough with that!

I want to say that I feel a lot better with this new job.  I have a renewed sense of hope, and want to celebrate the holidays now.  Now time to get the rest of my Christmas gifts and bring in the New Year!  Happy Holiday's, I'm sure we will be talking again!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Please forgive me

It has been sometime since I have blogged.  There has been a lot going on, and I haven't been able to get on here and jot down what needs to be jotted down.  That is not what I want forgiveness for.  

What I want forgiveness for is:  I'm not in the mood to celebrate the holidays this year.  Okay I have shopped and finished many things on my lists.  But, I am not in the mood to put up my decorations, to decorate my tree... none of it.  Can we put it off until next year?  I don't really want or can think of anything to want this year.  I am sorry, but I am going to be hard to buy for this year.  Unless you wanna buy me a Boxer.  

Holidays are a time to spend with family.  I think that is about the only thing that I want.  Oh and some long sleeve shirts, I don't have a lot of those.  Not sweaters, just shirts.  I would also like my phone to not right of things having to do with work.  

Speaking of work, my client called me 7 times yesterday.  7 times! not just 7 in a day, in a row.  I could not answer because I was driving and I was on my way back from a job interview.  I guess that she is one I don't have to schedule with.  I just have to show up on the day that I said and she will be ready.  I really really hope that I get the job that I interviewed for.  I am ready to leave these clients that don't keep the sessions.  I am ready to not have to drive all over and not get the pay for it.  While I would love to return to my school, I just don't think that is going to happen and in order to keep a roof over our head and some food on the table, I need to take a different offer.  

The interview that I went on was not formal at all.  She barely talked to me, and then I was headed into the classroom to play with the kids.  I hope that I answered the questions right.  I just want to get the job.  

Well if you are reading this, you should know that I sell scentsy.  And they are having a week long sale.  You should check out my sight:  Tomorrow is deals for men.  They have deals until the 7th, which is the last day.  Happy shopping if your are in the Christmas spirit!

Friday, November 14, 2014

Blogging before my appointment

What a couple of weeks it has been, I feel like I have been riding an emotional roller coaster and I can't get off when it stops at the station.  I'm not nervous about my appointment today, but I feel like I am not going to get an answer.  I also have been having the same dream for about two weeks now, and I wake up in tears, if not in tears, then taking a deep breath like, I have been holding it.  I know that my dream will not be true, I know that I cannot be that lucky.

I'm not sure if I want to tell you about my dream, it is a baby dream, but I don't want to share.  I had a great blog planned out, i wasn't going to talk about babies, just life... oh well.

Oh my gosh as I am watching this, I am watching "Gilmore Girls" where Sookie has a baby... UG!

Okay I need a new topic...

So I am sitting in my house looking at my Halloween decorations, that i am allowed to keep up until Christmas.  As I am looking, I don't want to change my decorations. But, I know that I will.  I don't want to change them because it is so pretty in here to me.  But, all good things must end.  Unless you have a Boxer, than good things never come to an end!

I was supposed to go to a Child care center today, and I was also supposed to stop by the office.  I really don't want to do either.  I am conflicted as to what to do.  My job is now offering a case that it 4 days a week for 6 hours, however... it's with an adult.  I don't have the greatest track record with these things.  I don't feel for these parents.  I try and I try, but I just don't have any sympathy.  I am still in shock at the outcome of a court case this week.  First of all, they lied, second of all, really???  I just can't get it.  It's bothering me more than I should, and I just can't let it go.  I think that families in most cases should be reunited, however I don't know that this was the best thing....

Okay, I am out of ideas for the blog for today.  I have my blood work at 4pm.  I am hoping that this is the last, before all the baby blood work that is needed.  I also hope for some answers.  If you are the praying type please pray.  If you are the sending ju-ju type please do.  And if you just want to send some happy thoughts, I'll take those too!

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Big Hero 6

I'm not sure if I should begin this blog by complaining, or just talk about the title.  So, for this blog I will ditch the complaining and save it for another time.  (Considering it's 10 minutes before the Walking Dead.. and HOPEFULLY hubby is home in time; complaining takes too long!!)

Hubby and I went on a date last night.  Out to dinner and a movie, this is our usual.  We are kind of boring in that way, but we both really like movies and so that is what we do.  We went and saw the Disney movie "Big Hero 6."  (I know not everyone is on par with Disney movies and these days they get a lot of hate, but we enjoy them.)  We really enjoy the previews, infact they are MY fave.  I want to know what I have to look forward to seeing after I have seen this movie.  I like to plan ahead.  


Before the movie there was a short, most of the time they are funny or confusing.  (You know what I am talking about if you have seen the one with the chess player, who is playing by himself, I believe that one is before Ratatouille?!?!?)

To spoil it for you this one is about a dog, it is entitled, The Feast.  So basically, the puppy is on the street when a guy finds him, and gives him dog food with human food on top.  Guy takes pup home, which at first I thought was a Boxer puppy, but as the pup grows, it is clearly a Boston Terrier.  But the guy gives the puppy, "Winston" dog food and then puts cooked food on top.  Guy takes pup to restaurant, where Guy meets Girl.  Guy and girl fall in love, and girl does not give pup human food.  Instead she gives the pup parsley(??).  Which makes the pup said.  Then, girl breaks up with guy and he is very said.  Orders lots of take out food, pup gets food again and is super happy.  But, guy is very sad, until he orders spaghetti, and the pup finds parsley again and runs away to find the girl.  Guy and girl get married and pup is best man.  Then...

Cut to pup laying on the floor next to his dog dish... then a meat ball rolls on the floor.  And a tear down my cheek.  And another meatball... and another tear... and then you see the BABY in the high chair feeding the pup.  And then it goes on to have the BABY grow and then another BABY.  Oh yeah, there are many tears coming down my face.  Hubby offers pop corn to try and get to not to notice...

I let the floodgates go, all over a cartoon.  A 5 minute short film, with not a lot of sound.  I am bawling like a crazy women.  All I can think about are my dogs.  Mainly Jake, he is old, about to be 10.  I just hope that he can be around to enjoy our child.  Then I think of Abby, my Boxer and her short life span.  I want her to be there too.  I am such a mess.  All over a little short film.  To be fair, I have always cried over animals, sometimes humans.  But, not as much.  Dogs are my weakness.  I love them.  I just hope that they are around for my babies.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

PCOS: Update

On Monday of this week I went in for blood work.  I am a big sissy, it is not something that I can't hide.  I don't like needles, I don't think that anyone really says that they do, however I remember a time when I was a small child, I was overly emotional during a Dr's visit and I was literally screaming when this mean old lady (bitch of a nurse) leaned down and whispered in my ear, "If you don't hold still this needle will get stuck and I'll have to get another to get this one out."  Um, do you really think that is going to help me sit still?  Talk about a panic attack...  I have gotten a lot better since then.  I am still freaked out.  I still want someone to go with me.  I no longer throw a fit, and I have stopped crying from the moment I walk into the appointment until I leave.

Monday I went in for blood work.  The nurse said that results would be back in a week.  I was surprised when I got a call from Dr. M on Tuesday morning.  Dr. M is very sweet, she has a british accent, I could listen to her talk all day.  I LOVE british accents!!!  Dr. M said that my results were normal, according to my blood I don't have PCOS...  Okay then what do I do next?  I'm still not pregnant.  Dr. M says that she doesn't like to just give medication.  That she believes that I am young and healthy and that she wants to rule out everything before she just gives me medication.  So, Dr. M suggests ANOTHER blood test to check progestin levels. 

So on the 14th, I have to go in a get my blood checked again.  Because all these tests are about timing.  One test has to be conducted on the 3rd day of "my time," and another test has to be conducted on the 21st day of "my cycle."  Now, depending on this test will determine what the next plan of action is.  

Honestly I am hoping that it is my progestin levels, the pills that come along with those are not as harsh on my body.  They don't cause multiple babies.  The side effects are not that bad.  


Progesterone, a natural hormone that the body makes during pregnancy, has not caused problems. In fact, it is sometimes used in women to treat a certain type of infertility and to aid in egg donor or infertility procedures.

Other progestins have not been studied in pregnant women. Be sure to tell your doctor if you become pregnant while using any of the progestins. It is best to use some kind of birth control method while you are receiving progestins in high doses. High doses of progestins are not recommended for use during pregnancy since there have been some reports that they may cause birth defects in the genitals (sex organs) of a male fetus. Also, some of these progestins may cause male-like changes in a female fetus and female-like changes in a male fetus, but these problems usually can be reversed. Low doses of progestins, such as those doses used for contraception, have not caused major problems when used accidentally during pregnancy.

Side Effects

Drug information provided by: Micromedex
Along with their needed effects, progestins used in high doses sometimes cause some unwanted effects such as blood clots, heart attacks, and strokes, or problems of the liver and eyes. Although these effects are rare, some of them can be very serious and cause death. It is not clear if these problems are due to the progestin. They may be caused by the disease or condition for which progestins are being used.
The following side effects may be caused by blood clots. Although not all of these side effects may occur, if they do occur they need immediate medical attention.
Get emergency help immediately if any of the following side effects occur:


  1. Symptoms of blood clotting problems, usually severe or sudden, such as:
  2. headache or migraine
  3. loss of or change in speech, coordination, or vision
  4. numbness of or pain in chest, arm, or leg
  5. unexplained shortness of breath
Check with your doctor as soon as possible if any of the following side effects occur:

More common

  1. Changes in vaginal bleeding (increased amounts of menstrual bleeding occurring at regular monthly periods, lighter vaginal bleeding between menstrual periods, heavier vaginal bleeding between regular monthly periods, or stopping of menstrual periods)
  2. symptoms of blood sugar problems (dry mouth, frequent urination, loss of appetite, or unusual thirst)

Less common

  1. Mental depression
  2. skin rash
  3. unexpected or increased flow of breast milk


Some side effects may occur that usually do not need medical attention. These side effects may go away during treatment as your body adjusts to the medicine. Also, your health care professional may be able to tell you about ways to prevent or reduce some of these side effects. Check with your health care professional if any of the following side effects continue or are bothersome or if you have any questions about them:

More common

  1. Abdominal pain or cramping
  2. bloating or swelling of ankles or feet
  3. blood pressure increase (mild)
  4. dizziness
  5. drowsiness (progesterone only)
  6. headache (mild)
  7. mood changes
  8. nervousness
  9. pain or irritation at place of injection site
  10. swelling of face, ankles, or feet
  11. unusual or rapid weight gain

Less common

  1. Acne
  2. breast pain or tenderness
  3. brown spots on exposed skin, possibly long-lasting
  4. hot flashes
  5. loss or gain of body, facial, or scalp hair
  6. loss of sexual desire
  7. trouble in sleeping
Not all of the side effects listed above have been reported for each of these medicines, but they have been reported for at least one of them. All of the progestins are similar, so any of the above side effects may occur with any of these medicines.

On another note, it's an answer.  And I think that I could live with this one.  Once again I ask for prayers.  I ask for friendship.  I also ask that you not ask me if I'm pregnant.  I promise that if you ask I won't get upset, but I don't want to answer.  I'm not struggling, I'm just waiting on answers!

Sunday, October 19, 2014


Caution: This blog is TMI and not suitable for younger readers.  You have been warned.

Going to the Doctor is NEVER a fun thing.  They don't have a magic wand to make it instantly better, and there is no crystal ball that they can look inside to see what is going on without being invasive.  You just want an answer, you don't want them to conduct a ton of test and still not know what the hell is going on with you.  I, like many, want an EASY fix.. this is not the case!

Something has been off with my cycles, sometimes I miss "my time", sometimes I go a long time between "times", NEVER have I had my "times" come frequently... until about June of this year.  I had my 1st double "time" in June of this year.  I had "my time" the 30th of May until till the 3rd of June and then again the last week in June.  July was okay but very light... August and September I have had double "time."  

So, I was talking to a good friend that had trouble having kids for some advice, told her what had been going on, and asked what I should do.  After some talk, she said that I should make a doctor's appointment.  I did.  But, I was not ready for what was going to be said at the doctor's office.

Dr. N, my new doctor, who is an older lady with a British accent asked if Dr. R. had talked to me about having Polycystic Ovary Syndrome...

Allow the crickets to chirp... my eyes to grow big... my hubby to look at my with questions in his eyes.. and me to exclaim "What??"  To which Dr. N, says "Do you know what it is?"  Again with the crickets.  No I don't know what that is.  Now I have to do some research.  Dr. N. was kind enough to explain it to me, then she asked me to go into more detail about my "time" history if I could remember.  She asked me if Dr. had put my on birth control, as this could help you make cycles more normal...No.  Dr. N. said "Dr. R didn't tell you that you might have this?"  No!!  After much talk she asked me what I would like to do next, to be honest I don't know.  Dr. N asked if I had researched Clomid?  I have, plus working in the pharmacy I know some of how it works.  I know that it greatly increases the chances of twins, while not always, but there should never be more than just twins.  They do not know the long term effects of this and uterine cancer as this is a newer drug and women are not on it for long amounts of time.  Dr. N said that she wanted to do another blood test..

Again with the crickets...  You wanna take my blood again???  Haven't I had enough of this?  Okay, Ill do it.  Oh wait there's a catch.. you have to wait until you start again.  Oh and the reason that we are doing this is because Dr. R did all the tests but one.  (Thanks Dr. R. I appreciate you so Much! Um NOT!!)

And now I have to wait...I am going to be doing more research, and trying to do the normal thing.  But damn it this is not easy.  

By the way the Mayo Clinic defines Polycystic Ovary Syndrome as:
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common endocrine system disorder among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have enlarged ovaries that contain small collections of fluid — called follicles — located in each ovary as seen during an ultrasound exam.
Infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne, and obesity can all occur in women with polycystic ovary syndrome. In adolescents, infrequent or absent menstruation may raise suspicion for the condition.
The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown. Early diagnosis and treatment along with weight loss may reduce the risk of long-term complications, such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease.
I am a little scared about the heart disease.  Losing weight is not a big deal.  But would I be considered early diagnosis?  I don't think so, considering I am almost 30.  I pray that I don't have this, but then I pray that I do because I have a diagnosis and then I can be treated.

I can get pregnant, it just takes a lot more work.  I just pray that something can be done.  I pray that we will be able to at least of one child.  We would like one of our own children.  Please make sure that you are thankful for your babies, that if you got pregnant easy and that it was all easy, that you are thankful.  That you say a word of thanks to whoever you believe in and however you believe.  That if your baby was healthy, meaning came out crying, alive, 10 fingers and 10 toes..then be thankful.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

What really grinds my gears....


I'm Crystal, I'm a republican, I'm going to offend you, you might want to stop reading now.  If you disagree with what I am going to say, in this state in my life you can do 2 things: Stop reading and Delete me!

I HATE election years.  Not just Presidential election years, I hate any type of election.  I have hated them since the 2006 election.  Why?!?!? Because every year I hear the same thing on my TV: "Conservatives want to reverse Roe vs. Wade."......................................

Is that really all you have???  Is that really something that we are talking about right now?  

F.U.C.K I.T.

Right now at this point in time that really pisses me off!  Like to no end.  Thank you lady on TV for reminding me again that some woman out there, not only was able to get pregnant, but then said woman can go out and end that pregnancy.  Thank you.  I really appreciate you!  I also really hate you.  Honestly, I have pure hate for you!  I understand that there are medical reason, I understand you were rapped.  

You were a fool and didn't wrap your tool, too bad for you, adoption.
You have too many kids already? Adoption

I don't think that this will ever be overturned.  I am so sick over hearing this over and over.  Right now, I just want to know hear about this.  Right now I don't want to to be your friend or anything of that nature, if you are okay with this. Im not going to get over this!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

High School: 11 years later

High School: We all have to make it through... well not really we could quit and get a GED or quit altogether.  Most of us at least go,  I enjoyed my time in high school.  I really had a lot of fun, I loved Friday night football games, band competitions on Saturday, Pep Band during the winter, Winter guard.. I even enjoyed school work.  I wish that I was a better student, oh well.  
Really this blog is not all about me talking about my high school experience, it is just a thought that I had while filling through the channels.


You know that you have seen this movie, infact if you born at the right time you probably quote it.  And if you are still in high school, "On Wednesdays you wear pink."  However, don't you wish that the girls in high school where actually like these "Mean Girls???"  

In high school I was not a part of the "it-crowd," I had no desire to be.  If they liked me, great.  If the didn't, who cares.  I tried to be nice to everyone, I don't know that I really achieved it.  I wasn't bullied, a couple of people called me a slut, not sure why, but it was there.  And I didn't have this grand idea that I would reinvent myself in college.  I just wanted to enjoy my time, and then enjoy my time in college.  I spent all four years of high school chasing the same boy, that would later become my husband (it was totally unintentional, that I met my husband when I was 13, but here we are.)

I do want to talk about "Mean Girls."  THEY ONLY CHANGE A LITTLE BIT!!  Honestly they do.  They will facebook friend you so that they can spy on you.  The ones that you think are not mean, that were just a part of that group and that maybe you can talk to, you reach out to them and they ignore you.  They have talent, but even though you have left high school, they have no desire to be nice to you.  It is beyond frustrating and annoying.  

And so, You have to be the better one.  You have to grow from the girl that you were in high school to someone different.  You go to college with the same goal in mind.  You grow up and get married to the boy in highschool.  You get a good job and work really hard.  And when those girls friend you on facebook you friend them.  You like their photos, you talk to them.  Why???  Because that is who you are.  That is the nice person that you are.  Then you write about them in a blog and keep them guessing.  You aren't being mean.  You never said anything bad, but you feel better when it is down on paper, and then you don't think about it.  It is funny how it all works.  So, the next time that you watch mean girls, remember; "On Wednesday's we wear Pink."  Happy Hump Day!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Anger & Frustration

The feeling of falling apart is something that I have been walking on the edge of for sometime.  I want to say that I am happy, I am not depressed (that I know of), I am secure in my marriage, sometimes I want to pull my hair out at my job (don't we all)...
But, I am coming unglued.  Things that I want so bad, I can't seem to have.  Beyond that people lie, and beyond that family is the biggest culprit!

It is a fact: people lie!

If they say that they don't lie, they are lying.  They say that they want to spend more time with you... on their terms.  You ask them a question, they ignore you.  Seriously, I am not trying to know every grave detail of your life, I just ask simple things.  I guess that I need to stop expecting answers.

Another Fact: People that say they are "trying to have a baby" are already pregnant.

However, this does not apply to me!  Yeah, you all think that you are being slick... you are so not.  I mean come on... it can't be as simple as saying, "We are open for business again" and then by "magic" you are pregnant.  If that is the case I would have 2 kids and life would be grand.  I wouldn't be struggling, I wouldn't be going crazy.  I wouldn't want to write all about this...

Fact 3: My job blows

As much as I like my job, it blows.  This time or year without fail I am laid off.  I have afternoon work, but it does not pay the bills.  Am I the only one that panics?  My boss does not seem to want to make something happen fast.  Knowing that I like the school that I was working at, knowing that there is a small possibility that I could stay there.  Knowing that this is my full time job, and I don't work other places.  I mean come on.  When I took this job, I said that I would only leave my other job if I was promised work.  However, this is school year two where I am home in the day time.  What the hell?!?!?!  Hubber finished school, and is looking for a new job, but no one has called him either.  

Fact 4: Just because you have a college degree, does not mean you will get hired when you graduate.

Here is something that you are told from the moment that you enter into higher education, once you graduate the possibilities are endless: this is the biggest LOAD OF SHIT that you will be told in your college career.  That piece of paper does not mean you will land a job.  It just means that you are teachable and moldable as an adult.  That you are willing to do what it takes to get the job done.  That is all that it means.  Don't you wish that you would have saved all that money??  Yeah, me too.  Oh yeah, It also won't mean that you will make more money.  Cause some places that you work will not give you a raise...

Fact 5: (and the last one cause I like odd numbers) People will hate you, family members included.

This is something that we all have to get used to.  And I used the word hate, because I mean it.  People will hate you.  Not just dislike, they will hate.  You will walk into a room and their face will drop.  They will give you fake hugs and make nice when needed, but all the while they could give two shits about you.  They will know your struggles and they will laugh at them.  No, they are not heartless, they just enjoy your pain.  If they say they don't they are also lying.  And family will make the biggest deal about this.  They will not offer help.  They know, and if they pretend they don't know... guess what they are lying.  

I have done a lot of venting.  I am trying to find some happy to the blog.  It is making me feel better.  But, it is hard to be happy when you can control things around you.  I ask that as you are reading this that you pray.  Yeah, I said a lot of bad words here, but I still believe in the power of a prayer.  So pray for me... and keep reading :D

Sunday, August 31, 2014

I wish that I could say yes...

There are many things that people ask...

Day to day you might ask someone 100 questions, no not like when you are a kid and you keep asking, "Why?" and that is your answer to the question.  Most questions are easy answers, you never think about them after the question is asked.  However, I have been dwelling on two questions lately and I wish that I could say "yes" to both of these questions.

Before I say what those questions are, I must keep you guessing and reading and try to work my way around them...

When I was little I never thought that I would be anything other than a teacher.  It was never a question that I would not be a teacher.  I wasn't in it for the money.. I really enjoyed knowledge and I wanted to share it with others.  I wanted school supplies out of the abundance, I wanted a desk, and things to organize my school supplies... And now when people ask me if I teach the answer is, "No."  A no that I really hate saying, I have been dwelling on this a lot lately.  I have even been thinking do I really want to teach.  It's beginning to go from dwelling on wanting to be a teacher to 2nd guessing if I really wanted to be a teacher in the first place.  

I would love to answer "Yes" to this question.  I am sure that I will be scared to death when the answer is "Yes," it is a reason for having a big house, a good job, money in the bank, and a car to drive.  When people ask if we are expecting...I want to say yes.  I don't know when the breaking point to this will be.  I feel so let down, I feel like it is the end of the world.  I am tired of being hopeful, I am tired of trying different things to test this and do that!  I am so tired of some of the advice.  If you haven't been in my shoes you don't know...
When the monthly visitor comes, I want to choke someone...better yet I just want to be left alone.  I have never been so mad to receive, "The Monthly Gift" in my life.  I want to make it clear.. I am trying to stay positive.  But the longer this goes on the more I want to pull my hair out.  I am beginning to walk by pregnant women and give them evil looks.  I look longingly at babies and toddlers, and wonder what mine will look like.  I am sure that people think I am weird or something... 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

It's been a hard two weeks...I

I have to admit that these last two weeks have not been good at all.  In fact August 2014 you have not been kind to me, and I am more than tired of this nonsense.  Two weeks ago today I was sicker than sick, I couldn't get out of bed.  That same day facebook was unkind to me...

My grandma had forgot to mention one thing to me, and when everyone on facebook started talking about Hospice coming in for my Aunt, I went into panic mode!  From What I had been told she was okay, this was not the case.  About a week later she passed away.  Death affects many of us differently.. Some people get angry, some blame, others are very sad, some people so nothing when faced with death.

Where do I fall?  Well, to be honest I am not sure.  This one makes me overly emotional.  I am also regretful, I don't think that I ever spent enough time for her.  My mind also plays the number game.. I hate this game.  If you know anything about me I am a number person.  I am horrible at math, so that is not what I mean by numbers.  What I mean is..

I have a thing for 3.. 3rd person in alphabetical order in my high school class, graduated in 2003, and then 2006, and then 2009 (all related to 3), I usually surround myself with 3 friends that I care a great deal for..I think that you get it.  

The number game is not kind to me.  Similarities in my Aunt and My great grandma are not a good thing.  This is where I will leave that, because I will get stuck on it.

After my Aunt died, my grandma got sick AGAIN.  We have been battling this for a long time now.  And now she is back in the Hospital.  This is not a fun thing.  I don't think that any of this is a fun thing.  I ask that if you are into praying that you pray for her, at least so that she doesn't worry.

Finally...  My car took it's final run on the 19th.  After a long day of work, I dropped of my client and ran smack into a deer.  I was hoping beyond hope that the insurance company would choose to fix her.  I didn't want to get rid of my dear Bubbles just yet.  But I guess the deer was a little too rough, cause the next day I got a call that she was totalled.  I was fine, I wasn't going that fast.  But there is a really big dent in her and she is going to be sold for parts :(.  I cried, I didn't want to say goodbye.  But goodbye's were said.  Bubbles has been almost everywhere, and almost all of my friends have ridden in her.  I didn't need a co-signer for the loan that I got to buy her, mom signed any way.  I was a responsible 19 year old.  I know that it sounds crazy, she was just a car.  But Bubbles was my car, and we had a great run!  RIP Bubbles 2005-2014.

Monday, August 11, 2014

For real this time...I am going to change the name of my blog

Now that I have your attention, (just kidding, I wasn't looking for it) I think that I am going to change the name of my blog.  I think that I am going to gear this blog towards...

You guessed it...

Are you sure that you want to know...

Yeah it's going to be one of those blogs...


Yes my crazy life.  I am not sure how graphic this will go.  I did just look up ovulation and thought about posting what I found.  I also wanted to post the pictures, maybe I will it is my blog.

I have been running on little sleep... I cannot go to sleep.  Between not feeling well, feeling bummed, feeling like I shouldn't share things with the world, and over all worry for my job and things of that nature I can't sleep.  I have also been thinking about why I ever thought that it was a good thing to let the cat out of the bag about babies.  I feel like everyone is going to ask me now.  I still don't know if I am okay with that.

Let me talk about something that is a little less dry...

Doesn't it just blow your mind that people can say one day, "I'm going to have a baby!" And then it seems like days later and they are expecting?  Please tell me how that magic happens, I am puzzled.  (My mom reads this blog, Hi Mom, but I am going to be honest for a little bit.)  My mom always said the first time I had sex that I would get pregnant, and I believed her wholeheartedly, until I got married and tried it and it didn't happen.  No, I don't think that I was being lied to.  Yes, I still believe what my mom tells me (most of the time :D).  But, for the love of Pete what is this magic thing you are doing???

I am also perplexed at the fact that crazy teenagers can make babies so easily (you knew I was going to go there don't be shocked)!  Come on, they just want to be naughty or think they are in love.  Then they wake up 40 weeks later (10 months do the math), and there is a little person that they thought wouldn't happen.  Yeah, you thought that you were being slick didn't you????Jokes on you!!!

Okay I have to be funny sometimes.  This is hard.  It is hard to write down what you really feel and allow all the world to know.  I am honestly doing this because I need people to talk to that have been there.  I need to hear from some of you have just tried and tried and never sought medical help.  I also need to hear from those of you that have been to the doctor, that have found out that you need more that mother nature.  I want to hear all of it.  I need this support.  I have a very loving hubberz that is very supportive, and family that is the same.  But my hubberz has not been in this place before, and most of my family has not either.  Truth is this is a hard journey.  I am not always going to be strong.  I am not always going to be nice.  I am always going to be honest.  I am going to try not to provide so many details that I no longer have a private life.  But I am going to try and figure this out, whatever this is and whatever it takes.  So I hope that you are on this ride with me, and I hope that you are willing to help me along the way! 

Saturday, August 9, 2014

I may regret this a great deal...

Writing has always been a way for me to feel better, just to have something down, even if I never looked at it made me feel good.  I am not a very good blogger, I run out of ideas, or I really just want to be mean and not care who reads it (I end up not writing those); cooking was a way to write and feel good and not offend anyone....  Then I got stuck.  Sure I still cook, I still try out recipes, but I just didn't care.  I didn't want to tell you about them, I didn't care to get publish.  My actual life became something that I just didn't want to blog about.  I did have to time to sit down and write, I also had time so sit and cook.  I just didn't want to do either.  I would rather call for take out, or cook and not blog.  Enough excuses?

I lost a friend that was near and dear to my heart.  It was slow and then all at once.  I thought that we were able to survive, we tried a couple of times.  Then I made one more plea, and that was it.  Nothing.  Coming to terms with that has been hard.  Realizing that you could have done a lot to prevent it has been even harder.  It changes your entire world, it rocks your core.  Having a best friend is not a title, and when they are done with you, you know it.  I considered this person my sister, someone to go to with everything. 
 I am more guarded now.  I with every new person I meet, I just think about when they are not there and if I want to let them into my life.  Usually I don't, I am working on it.  I don't want to be friend-less.  I just don't want to go from talking to someone every day to nothing.  So for now that guard is up, and it will take a while to be down.

Now on to what I really didn't want to write....the reason I was off of facebook and may go again..
Like magic my facebook blew up with people being pregnant.  Hubby and I were so very hopeful that we would join everyone.  That our babies would have babies to grow up with, a close group of friends to enjoy, because we would all go through the journey together.... and then time passed.  It was easier to not have facebook on my phone, not go on the computer to check it.  It is not that I am not happy for all of you, I really am.  But I am not in that club.  I thought that I was okay with it.. turns out I am really not.  I couldn't stand to get on the computer and see.  I also began to get mad.. why on earth is it so hard for me?  Why can't I do this?  I always thought that I would be a mom right now.  Not just to kids that bark...  It has been a really hard journey.  

For a long time when people would ask me when we were going to have kids, I would hold my breath and forget they would ask me.  When I wasn't around them I would cry, I would also hope that the next time I would see them they wouldn't ask or I could tell them different.  I was mean, I just wanted to not be asked about kids.  Why couldn't anyone understand this?  Why do people also think that it is so funny to ask?  I am not sure where they come up with it is funny.  I have also wanted to punch people in the face for this question and or inflict pain on them.  To me, that was funny.  (I know mean, but it helped).  
I am now in a place where I joke back.  So if you ask me I don't want to punch you in the face.  I still don't think that it is funny, but I will give you a smart ass answer, I also might tell you something that will stop you in your tracks.  I am unsure what will come out of my mouth.  I can't really control it.  You might get offended.  That might make me feel better.

One last thing... I have asked God (or whoever up there I am talking to, trusting, and putting my faith into) why some people are parents and hubby and I are not.  (This is where I am going to get offensive, if you are reading this from facebook and you think it applies to you, you may do some things; 1. Delete me no questions asked ((Bye)), 2. Ask me if it is about you, I'm into being honest so I will tell you. 3. Not give a shit and we are still friends. 4. Block me. 5. Don't read my shit!)  Some of you are horrible parents, or at least what you put on facebook.  Do we really need to know some of these things?  Hubby has told me many times, if I post pics of my kids naked for all the world to see he is going to delete my facebook himself (he has the password, we are like that).  We have long conversations about people complaining about their kids (at least you have them).  And for the love of all man kind... are you really asking facebook what you should do about your kid leaving things around the house for your dog to eat?  I have said parenthood might be harder than I am reading into..I mean I just have dogs.  But, in my own defense I went to school and majored in Education...which requires you to take some human development classes and some child psychology classes.  You also spend countless hours with kids.  I also now have a job with kids, spent most of my life watching other peoples kids...I think that I know something.  If you are on facebook complaining about your kids or better yet asking dumb questions; get your ass off of facebook and look after your kid.  I am not sorry if I offended you, I am not sorry that you feel this is can do what I said before.  I am done sugar coating things and being nice to people.  I have done it for too long.  

So now that it is all out there...I wonder how my friends list is going to affected?  (Not really worried about it, just curious.)

Friday, January 10, 2014

IT's been a long time..

I haven't been here in a while, and to be honest, I haven't made anything really new in a while.  I don't know what I haven't been blogging I have been cooking.  

November seemed to fly by, it was like I blinked and it was over.  I also lost my client in October, and spent much of November trying to find work.  When I did get work it was really overwhelming.  I couldn't figure out my schedule for the longest time, then I couldn't find the time to shop or cook.  So stressful.

December finally got my full time client.  She is a piece of work.  With all that going on a people canceling on me, almost every day.  There was also a lot to do in December.  The only thing new I made was a chili cheese dip.

Which you need.

8 oz Cream Cheese.
1 15oz can hormel Chili, no beans
2 cups of cheddar cheese, (I used Mexi Blend)

Cream cheese on the bottom, chili in the middle, and cheese on top.  Heat in the microwave for 4 mins and enjoy.

Which brings me to Jan.  We are 1o days in and I haven't made anything new yet.  I promise that  I will try.  Hang in there!!

-Keep Cooking-