Sunday, March 26, 2017

Dear Baby Stine Part...

Waring:  This may make you cry or mad, or just about anything.  I am really sorry for that.  It is just me thinking.  Also I am not sure how many letters I have written to Baby Stine, I don't go back and read my old posts, if I do it is just titles.  I have stopped keeping track, please forgive me.

Baby Stine,

I am sorry that I have written in a while.  My thoughts are currently jumbled and sometimes it is just hard to think of what to say.  Your Dad and I are still waiting for you.  Whenever you are ready, we are too.  Your Dad got a really great job, and I am going to be going back to school.  Everything is lining up, we are just waiting for you.  For a long time your Dad and I had no name for you if you were to be a boy.  However, we now have THE perfect name for you if you are a boy.  We aren't sharing with any, and if your Dad does he is in MAJOR trouble.  I dream of what you will look like if you are a boy.  I dream that you will have green/brown eyes like me, but other than that you will look much like your Dad.  Oh and curly hair, but I am really not sure where that comes from.  I think that you will have blond hair for a little while, but when you get older it will become darker.  I also think that by the time you are 10 you will be taller than me.  It's okay, I'll still beat your ass.  It is weird to dream about you, and you aren't here yet.  For a long time it freaked me out.  I have since gotten used to it.  But, I haven't thought that you would be a boy for a long time.  Many people don't believe that you are out there waiting for us, but I strongly believe that you are.  You are waiting for the right time.  However, I really wish the right time was now.  We have taken a break from IVF.  My body really needed it.  I got this weird skin condition and my hair was falling out.  I need to get in line again.  Your Dad and I also started a Paleo diet, which we are getting back on again.  Hopefully this all works.  Hopefully this is what you are waiting for.

I am still not sure if I am going to share the letters that I write to you with you.  I know that IF I do share them with you, I am going to wait until your much older.  I haven't figured out how I am going to tell you that you came to be.  I still think that you will just come to be.  That no medical intervention will be needed.  I'm not sure if that is me being a fool or what.  Only time will tell for that.  I sometimes think that if I do share these letters with you, that it will scar you for life.  And maybe just maybe I need you to not have that hanging over you.  

Sometimes when I talk the process with people they really listen to me.  And sometimes I feel like I am sharing my story for nothing.  I have had some really high highs and some really low lows.  Nothing seems to be in between.  I hope that one day I will get the in between.  

I think that I have really gotten off subject here.  Soon I hope to meet you.  Soon I hope to connect with you.  We want so badly for you to be our baby.  We are holding on to hope.  

Love,  Mom and Dad! 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

I promised myself...

Happy Birthday to My Hubs!!  

So, I rarely make a promise to myself because I tend to not keep them.  But, I did try to make a really big deal and I had kept it until yesterday!  I had just made a promise that when I met new people I wouldn't instantly tell them about my IVF problems.  I kept it when we got a new staff member at our branch.  I know that this doesn't seem like it is a super big deal.  But, when your introductions has gone as follows, you get tired of it after a while, and just want to keep with simple ones...  "Hi, I'm Crystal, I married, have four fur babies, have been trying for 5 years to have a baby, and just went through a year of IVF."  I think that is a little much.

And yesterday that was about how it went. I worked at another branch.  One of the girls asked me if I liked being a teller, I said that majority of the time yes.  She asked how many hours a week I got, and I said that I was a 30 hour a week teller, but that when I worked at my old store I got 40 hours because we were always short staffed.  She asked me why I had left... and like word vomit I said, because I have been trying to have a baby and I needed less hours.  (Damn it)  Then I had to explain why, and that was an entire conversation.  

I am not ashamed of my experience.  I don't think that I should hide it, I don't really hide it.  But, I do want to feel like a normal person sometimes.  I want to feel like I have no trouble having babies and that I am just waiting.  But, that also brings up another topic.  Why do we ask about people having children, why is this a normal thing?  I am guilty of asking it, but I really try not to.  

It is kind of like the normal flow of a conversation, "Are you married, do you have kids?"  But, I got one yesterday that I wasn't really expecting, one of the ladies asked if I had my baby.  I had to say no, she was really sad for me.  Then, she said one day you will.  I find it funny that people that barely know me, have more faith in this process than I do.  And blind faith at that.  

I guess that I shouldn't be as skeptical about it.  But, I almost cannot help myself.  As each month passes I feel like I am no where near to getting my baby.  I feel like another round of IVF will end the same.  I feel like it will not work, and then what state will my body and mind be in?  I try daily to not believe in this, I try to just think positive.  But, sometimes all the positive I have disappears and I just want to say, forget it, I'm done and over it.  But, I keep trying.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

The Real Me.

Image result for hiding behind a mask tumblr

I want to first say that I am on a blog role, I hope to keep this up.  I think it is because I really have a lot going on, and the only way to really get past it is to blog.  Either way, I like it.

I often talk about the "Real Me," not saying that there is a "Fake me."  More like there is a side of me that I do not show.  She comes out often, but I keep her at bay.  Mainly because I am sure that there are a handful of people that actually like the real me, and I am sometimes a people pleaser, and the real me doesn't please too many. 

The real me is loud.  I am talking really loud.  She is not shy, she is not quiet in a room.  She stands out.  (Like when I wear orange, and everyone looks at me funny.)  She loves to laugh.  In fact talking used to get her in trouble, and sometimes still does.  I have toned her down, because always talking does not please anyone.  And because she can talk over people... a lot.  

The real me is really friendly.  (Okay "fake me" is that way too.)  I really like people, not all people but most.  But, the real me isn't so good at being a friend.  

The real me is bossy.  Really, really, times forever bossy.  I was great at being a manger.  I could boss your pants off.  I also knew how to get things done.  But, I didn't really like being the boss of grownups.  So, I stopped being the boss.

Speaking of grownups, the real me doesn't like to be around grownups all day.  In fact, I hate it.  Because grownups have all sorts of opinions, and they are pretty set in their ways.  They are also really good at arguing, about nothing.  I hate it.

Real me is way over opinionated.  That in itself is enough right there.

Real me likes piercings and tattoos (real me has no tattoos.)  If I had it my way I would still have my nose ring, and I would have more piercings than I have right now.  I would probably have a tattoo too.  It is on my bucket list.  One day it will happen, I don't care who doesn't like it.

Real me wants babies.  Okay you knew this.. so moving on.

Real me wants to work with kids.  One of my very first memories is playing school with my great grandma.  I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a teacher.  So, it came to a shock to me when I wasn't.  It came to an even greater shock when I completely changed it and wanted to be a guidance counselor.  This is something that I pray about a lot.

Speaking of praying...  I do that a lot.  But, I am not sure how my beliefs are.  I do believe that there is some kind of being.  But, I'm not sure about God's word.  And I am not sure how I believe.

Real me is random.. Random thoughts, Random mind.

Real me loves dogs.  Like really loves dogs.  If I could I would own a farm, and I would have a lot of dogs.  And I would rescue them and find them loving homes, and I would keep some of them.  I wish that I could fund this.

If there was ever a zombie break out, real me would probably be the first one gone, unless I could find somewhere to hide.  Not because I can't fight, but because I would be scared of them.  If I could survive by hiding, then I could make it, if not, nice knowing you.

There are so many other things.  But, I have to keep her at bay.  For now love and baby dust. 

Monday, March 6, 2017

achievement Unlocked

Warning: While I love that you like to read what I have to say, this blog contains subject matter that you may not wanna know.  Reader discretion is advised. 

Image result for resting bitch face

Well you know there is that...

I have not mastered that.  I think that I tell myself 1000 times a day.. "Relax your eyebrows."  But, I just cannot not make faces all day.  People say that I always smile, I don't really think that is the case.  You should see me at work when I am trying to type...


I have moved on in my stage of sadness.  And am just mainly pretty disgruntle and angry.  I used to cry when I got my period... like spend 10 minutes in the bathroom with a quick cry and then a quick try to fix my face.  Now when AF (aunt flo, for those who don't know) comes I just get mad.  Really, I shouldn't be getting mad any more.  It isn't like this time around should be any different.  It isn't like something magically has changed... but i really think that being mad is better than spending a long time in the bathroom being sad.  

Firstly, I hate AF because that means that I am not pregnant.  All the hope in the last 28 days that something changed and I will be pregnant changes in a matter of minutes.  Secondly, my periods have NEVER been right.  And yes I have been tested for PCOS (polytheistic ovarian syndrome, for those who may not have been paying attention), I don't have it.  In the words of Dr. Bell (who I LOVE and adore and I really can't think some of my friends more for) "That is the quickest the dye has ever gone in and our of anyone, you are clear."  There was one time where I could time them... that was when my old Dr. put me on Clomid, for a few cycles.  Then my periods stayed normal for about a year or 2 after that, UNTIL I had IVF.  The number of periods you go through during that time sucks.  I was up to 2 a month.  (This probably has something to do with my hair falling out, but my lovely IVF doctors who I DON'T like right now, don't think so.)  And, now I am back to this funky funky cycle, where I have some spotting for a day, and then nothing for 2 days and then... well ya know.  Thirdly, What woman needs a reason to hate AF??  Surly you all understand what I am saying.  

So anyways, I have been a grump all day.  I have not said anything mean to any clients but I have called them assholes and bitches when they are not there.  I dropped almost everything that I touched today, and made several not so nice noises and such under my breath, and sometimes out loud.  I made faces when people were getting on my nerves, I'm not sure if they were resting "bitch" face or if there were something else.  But, I can barely get out of bed when I know that is time for AF (trust me when I say this... I didn't get out of bed today until the last possible minute, I could have laid there all day and I did try to close my eyes and go back to sleep).  Sometimes I think that if I can just stay in bed, then I can keep AF at bay for a little bit longer and I can be pregnant.  (It hasn't worked, I'm still not pregnant.)  

I really don't talk about my IVF experience or how I am feeling about it much outside of my blog.  Sure, Hubs and I talk about it some, but since I have given it up to God I don't really talk about it.  I don't speak about it at work, and sometimes not with friends.  If they ask I will, but sometimes I feel like I am a ticking time bomb, and I just don't wanna explode.  Other times I feel like it is ALL that I talk about and people are tired of hearing it from me.  Either way, I'm not sure.  But, right now I am really feeling angry.  I spent so much money, my AF changed AGAIN, I developed this skin thing, and my hair is falling out.  I'm angry at all of this, I'm angry that there is a price tag on a family.  I am angry at people who can just get pregnant.  I am angry at people who aren't good to there kids.  I'm PISSED.  I think that I liked it a whole lot better when I was just sad.  When I just cried.  I'm not saying that I don't cry about it, if you were in my house yesterday morning as I was reading my bible study you would have seen me cry.  But, it was so much easier to be sad about it, then it is to be mad about it.  

(The last of my thoughts for today.)  Thanks to Instagram I was reminded of my first Embabies the other day.  I had not thought of them for a while.  But, as I was scrolling though looking at other people's post I found myself stopped on one person's who said how old her baby was, and it just so happens that my babies would have been the same age.  They would have been 5 months old this month.  I just remember how much hope we had in them.  I remember signing the papers at the IVF office for the first time and thinking that we would have a baby after the first try.  I thought that it would be so easy.  I think of who those babies would have been.  What they would look like, what they would be into.  I really torture myself with this.  I'm not sure why I do with these and not the others.  I'm not sure if it is because I have not hit their due date yet, or what.  I just think about the first 2.  I pray that I will make it out of this angry funk.  I'm not sure how long I can be so nice.  So, for now I leave you with much love and baby dust.