Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Take 3

Image result for the scientist by coldplay

I want to first begin by saying that I NEVER knew that I liked Coldplay until I couldn't get this song out of my head.  Please don't quiz me on Coldplay songs or try to get me to sing them, because I probably don't know the words.

I have waited a long time to look back into IVF/ Fertility treatments, since stopping things in December and not being pregnant yet again, I wanted to be done with it all, and I wanted to push it all out of my mind as far as I could get it.  You could say that I have been living somewhat of a "normal" life since December.  To be honest I don't remember what normal life was like.  I got to watch Hockey like a crazy fan, I got to pretend that we were just a normal couple who decided to wait to have kids.  It was bliss.  It was all a lie.  But, that is okay... it is the one lie that I enjoyed for a little while.

I am not sure if I have said this, but I am getting more proud of myself.  I keep meeting new people and not telling them about IVF.  It used to come out like word vomit.  So now that I it doesn't, and I can control it a little bit better I am really relieved about it.  (So..I use the phrase "Word Vomit" a lot.. I realized that you might not know where this is from.  Please watch the move "Mean Girls" then you will know :)  Trust me, it is really funny.  And at that time it was pretty accurate on how clicks were.)

I think that I have been trying to pretend that I don't need IVF or fertility treatments.  As we all know this is not the case.  I went and talked (one time, cause I didn't like her) the a counselor.  She made a few good points, but she wanted to coach me and not counsel me.  The one point that she made was that she felt like I was trying to convince the world, of what I cannot convince myself.  Science is just that, and we have come a long why with it.  But, there is still so much further to go.  A lot of Doctors will NEVER look at the male side of infertility.  Trust me this is not just a female thing.  But, that is a fight that I cannot take on my own, I need to stick with what I can do.  

So let me go back to the beginning...
The Hubs will now be referred to as Mischa (if you watch the American's you will know where this is from, if you are not watching the American's you don't know what you are missing), I know what this is close to his real name, but I am not super creative here.  
In December after begging and pleading I finally got UVA to send us to a specialist.  Stephanie, one of the nurses that I like, said that we hope to see you soon, and I explained that Mischa was getting a new job, and that we had to go where the insurance told us.  She really thought that we were coming back, but what she didn't know is that I had no desire to EVER set foot inside that office again.  I began to hate it.  I felt like the had no interest in getting us pregnant, and all they wanted was money.  I remember looking around the office one day, on the day that I was running late and so were they... several woman were sitting in the office.  I tried really hard not to look around a judge, however it was harder than I thought.  I kind of got good at reading these peoples faces even though many of them I had not seen before.  I could tell which one was there for the first time, just by how hopeful she look.  I could tell from the shoe that this other lady was wearing that she was going to get pregnant with in the first or second go round.  Her shoes were super expensive, she had a key ring with a Lexus key on it, she was carrying a coach bag (it was not knock off), and lastly her hair and nails were done super nice and on trend.  I wanted to punch her.  I knew that she had lots of money and could do this process as many times as she wanted to.  And then I wanted to punch the office in the face.  I'm good at being angry.  I knew that if I had to wait any longer then I would probably become a ragging bull in a China shop.  Luckily as soon as I finished my thought, I was called back.
I am really thankful for the new job that Mischa got and the insurance that it provides.  I am also glad that I like getting a 2nd opinion, and not just because they say what I want to hear.  Because most of the time, it is better.  This time was better.

Mischa and I were super nervous when we went to Shady Grove.  For different reasons, he was worried about the cost.  I was worried about what they were going to tell me.  I knew that our new insurance provided some type of coverage for fertility, what I was worried about was that I felt like we had tried everything.  I thought that we were going to be turned down.  I was very unprepared for this meeting.  Mainly because I thought that we would be turned away.  But, this doctor was hopeful.  Her first sentence after introductions was remain hopeful, she said I know that is hard, but remain hopeful.  She said that more times than I could count.  We went through general questions, in fact many more that UVA... some of them I couldn't answer, because I just didn't know.  But, she said that her nurse would take care of what I didn't know.  Holy crap, you mean I don't have to do this all by myself?  We still don't qualify for IUI, and that is okay.  I can deal with that.  But, we can still do IVF.  We told her that we couldn't sign anything until we knew costs.  Our insurance is really picky also, so everything has to be done when they say.  But, lucky for us, this time... it will only cost us $375.  The finance lady and the receptionist were so stunned.  The Receptionist asked Mischa  what he did for a living ( I can' tell you all, sorry).  He told her, and she was like damn, never leave, he said he didn't plan on it.  We were gasping as we left the office.  We couldn't believe that it was true.  We are still in shock.  I think that we are coming to terms now.  

So, we will be going through take 3 some time in the near future.  New office, new doctor new meds... oh and they put you on prenatal vitamins that they recommend.  And I had to sign this waver that I was taking care of myself with breast self exams and ob/gyn care.  UVA never had me do any of that.  They didn't even care what vitamins that I was taking.  I feel like I am getting care, not just trying to have a baby.

So, now with renewed hope, I wish you love and baby dust!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Little Moments

Well, I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now what she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't' even act like I was mad
Yeah, I live for little moments like that
-Brad Paisley

Image result for How do you spell love

There are very few times where I am not thinking about when my baby will come.  The reminder is sometimes almost more than I can take.  Yesterday was a time where there were moments where I forgot and then there were moments that I was reminded.

Yesterday, Hubs and I went to one of our favorite places, Busch Gardens.  We have been taking friends with us, because it is more fun with more people, and we enjoy company.  When I was thinking about having fun, when I was tasting the food, I wasn't thinking about not being pregnant.  But, when I got on one of the rides, I was reminded that I had tried so very hard for a year. You see there are some things that are reminders of a year of trying.  Not being able to hold my bladder is one of them.  

I really do enjoy the moments when I am forgetting.  Not that I can totally forget about it, I just like when I don't have to remember.  I did really really well this last month.  I met a few new people and I didn't tell them about the IVF journey.  I just talked, one did ask me about having kids, and instead of it coming out like work vomit I just took a deep breath and I said, "Not Yet."  Which makes me pretty proud.  It is hard sometimes not to just say it.

Another little moment is my hair. My hair is growing back and not falling out.  This I noticed big time yesterday.  One reason is because I took a straightener to my hair.  The other I could put it up in a bun, and nothing came out.  I know that people lose their hair for many reason's, but it was the 2nd worse thing to happen other than not being pregnant.  Many may have not noticed that my hair was getting thinner, and I am okay with that.  But, I have happy to say that my hair is better again.

It's really funny how different moments sneak by you.  How time "Stands Still for no man.."  I could spend so many of those moments thinking about what I don't have.  But, I try hard to focus on what I do.  I also try to focus on things that need to be changed.  I am working hard on that.

"I live for little moments.. Like that."

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Support



This journey can get lonely.  Even if I have taken a break from all the treatments.  Until I get pregnant, I am still in this, unless I leave it all together.  I think that people don't always know how to support those going through this, and while this might not be the way for everyone, this is a suggestion.

Listen:  Even if the person is not talking; listen to what they have to say and what they don't have to say.  Sometimes this is may take a little bit of detective work, but pay attention.  Don't think of what you are going to say next, sometimes you need to not talk about you.  Just listen.

Be there:  There is nothing more than someone needs going through this than someone to be there.  And don't just say that you will be there, make an effort to be there.

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Stress:  It's pretty high.  We need a lot of things to destress us.  Sometimes we don't get to do anything that will actually help with this, because everything makes us feel stressed.  Find things that we like to do and do it with us.  We will feel better.

Sometimes I forget, okay not sometimes, ALL the time I forget what other people have gone through on their journey to their babies.  It is not because I just want to think about what is going on with me, or that I want it all to be about me.  It is because I think about so much and I forget what others have gone through.

Talking with the Hubs (which I really want to change his nickname.. that's another day) and he sees things way different from me.  I don't know if it is because I am so caught up in things, or because I just think that I see it the way I see it.  But, I only see one side of it.  And that could really be bad.

I have been keeping track of how long it has been since I have had my last shot.  In case you too are not keeping track it has been 6 months.  I didn't mean to leave it this long, but here we are, and it was about this time last year that we decided that we were going to start cycles again at the end of June after our vacation.  It is crazy to think that a lot can change in 6 months, and a lot can not.  It is also funny that when you are at different doctor's office they will ask you if you are pregnant.  In fact at the dentists office today I got asked 3 times if I was pregnant; once on paper, once by the hygienist, and lastly by the dentist.  I almost said that I would 100% tell you if I was because I would be so excited that I couldn't keep that secret from anyone.  I just brushed it aside.

I didn't want to write a blog today that would be sad.  This one was supposed to be more about making you think.  However, it seems that all I write about is being sad.  I really wish not to be sad.  I really wish that I find the peace.  I promise to stop writing blogs so late at night, because I feel like they are starting to not make sense.

I leave you with this...

Love's own tender flames warm this meeting And love's tender song you sing But fly away little pretty bird And pretty you'll always sing

Crooked Still- Pretty Bird

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mother's Day

Warning:  This blog is not about any ONE person.  This is just how I feel going into Mother's Day.

Tomorrow is the hardest day of the year, for me.  It is a reminder of what I do not have.  And boy was I reminded.  I often get people who tell me "Happy Mother's Day," and I really go on about my day, I'll say thank you and move on.  But, this year was hard.  There were many times when people would completely leave me out of the round of good wishes they were giving to others.  I get it, I don't physically have a child.  So, if you were looking that way then you would not care to wish me Happy Mother's day.  But, if you know me then you would at least try a well wish.  And I got nothing.

I am very thankful for what I do have on Mother's Day, my 4 fur babies are my happy place.  I have my mom, mother-in-law, both my grandma's and hubby's grandmas.  That is a lot of ladies to be thankful for.  And I am thankful for all of them.  I don't want anyone to ever think that I am not happy for that.  But, I am also sad, that I am not a mommy to a 2-legged puppy.  I don't get the hand made things from daycare or school.  Those are things that I miss, that I yearn for.

I have recently been told that I shut people out or I shut down when I can't make people understand me.  I thought long and hard about this.  And I think that the reason that I do that is because I try to make people understand me, and when I feel that they aren't listening to me then, I lose the effort to make the effort.  I wasn't always good at this.  In fact, I think that this is something new that I have learned.  I wouldn't call it a defense tactic.  I'd call it a learned behavior.

I also learned that I need validation, and sometimes for pretty basic stuff.  I need to know the why, because I always think that there is a why, and if i don't know that why, then I lose my freaking mind.  It is funny to know what your body is communicating when you are not even talking.  Or when you are not talking about what you think you are.  I think that this is a way of being in control.  When you have no control over a situation like this, over being pregnant and not being pregnant, you have to find a way to get in control.  It's part of my "Plan B," which I always seem to have.  But, right now there is no "Plan B."  So, I don't really know what the hell I'm doing.

The funny thing about asking for help, is when people don't think that you need help.  So, they offer you something different.  And when people don't think that you need them, they don't offer you any help at all.  I feel like I am crying out for help, and I am communicating that I need it, but I guess it goes back to the shutting down, and I can't seem to make it real.  Or make it something that people understand.  

One last thing that I learned, and I really didn't know this one AT ALL.  I have to feel justified in my career.  I didn't know that I was speaking this.  I thought that I was content.  I didn't know that I wasn't verbalizing this, or that I was verbalizing my discontent with it.  When you talk about the entire make up of a person, you have to factor in things like a job, and a home and a family.  But, when I spoke and I talked about things that I loved, my voice must have changed.  I didn't really say anything negative.  I didn't really say anything.  I just said that I worked there.  But, somehow I said that I didn't feel justified.  So, now I don't know what to do.  How do you change this, when you feel like you don't have a great skill set?  How, do you change this when you didn't know that you needed this change?

Okay, I lied... this is the last thing.  Tell every female that you see "Happy Mother's Day."  Leave it to them to correct you.  You don't know what they are going through, and you just might brighten their day.  We can all stand to be a little nicer.  

Friday, May 5, 2017

Week is OVER

I have not been more excited to have a week come to an end.  I want no re-do's thank you!  I am pretty sure that I have cried every day this week, except for today.  So I just want a weekend of fun, without having to think which emotion I need to be displaying.  I'll figure it out during the week.

I want to say thank you to anyone and everyone that have said that they are here for me.  It really means a lot to me.  I still haven't decided if I feel completely defeated yet, but all the love has helped me feel a little less.  However, this week I have never felt so much like glass in my life.  

Anyways:

Many of you know that we have cut out cable, we use instead Play Station view and many various forms of streaming.  When we first started using this, I was addicted to Bob's Burgers on Hulu.  I think that I watched an entire season in day.  I am not very good at watching TV like that, I wanna change the channel and watch something different, but I just couldn't change.  But, there are commercials during Hulu, and there is one where I could really shoot my TV.  The Clear Blue easy commercial... you know that one, the pretty music comes on, and the first thing the girl says is "Pregnant"  ... some one save me.

The first few times I saw it I cried.  Big, crazy sobbing tears.  Thank God, that Hubs was not home.  My Boxer came to my rescue instead.  I have to tell you that she is AMAZING with this.  But, sometimes I really get going and I freak her out.  I know that most people don't care about this commercial, some people I'm sure really like it.  But, I HATE IT.

It is funny how one thing can make you crazy, and this one really does.  Lots of things make me go crazy.  I have triggers, I never thought I would.  

I have taken the plunge to look into talking with a counselor, which honestly wasn't as easy as I thought that it would be.  I am okay, with people knowing that I am going.  You won't know when, just that I am.  I think that it will make me feel better about a lot of things.  There are things that I can't process, and I'm trying hard to help myself, but I think that I have hit a road block, and I need a little push.

I have stopped blaming myself for a lot of things, but then I place blame on a lot of other things.  If I have to take ownership on things that I have done, then I need others to do the same thing.  Who knows what this counselor will have me do.  I know that when I was working with kids, I had them doing all kinds of crazy things.  I just hope that it helps.

Sometimes I don't know that reasoning behind things that people do, and then I make up this crazy story about why they did what they did.  I also try to find a reason why I am hurt, and sometimes I believe in this fantasy that I have created.  Hubs and I have kind of swapped roles a little bit, he believes that there are so much good in others.  I think that it is all horse crap.  I think that people lie to you and hurt you and they don't think about what happens to you.  Also that people are selfish.  That is a big one.  

I have a lot of anger in me right now.  Lots.  I probably spent a good hour or more yesterday yelling at air in my house.  Then I flicked it off, and called it some more names.  My cat thought that I was crazy, I don't think that he has ever heard me be that loud.  After doing so I did not pray.  I didn't do anything.  I just kind of sat on the couch and thought "well, I don't feel any better and I am still pretty mad."  I also thought about throat punching different people.  That is my new go to.  Honestly I would probably not do it.  But, I would love to see it in action to see what it does.  Like, does someone choke?  Would it make me feel better?  After all of this I had to get ready for work.  Then I went to the movies with Hubs and his friends.  When I got home I was pretty tired and thought, okay I'm gonna sleep now.  NOT!  My dreams were pretty haunting.  I didn't even dream of punching people.  

Sometimes I am scared that those dreams are really going to come true.  The dreams that I have been having are not nice.  It is like my entire body is angry right now.  Even though I can control it.  Even my sub-conscious is pretty mad.  My teeth have started hurting, so I am sure that I am clenching my teeth at night, when I do get some sleep.  

Lastly... I don't know that I have said this, but.  When someone is struggling with Infertility I think that worst thing that you can say to that person is, "You can't do that because you feel that way."  I have heard it a few times.  The thing is I can't control a lot of things.  But, I can control what I do or how I react to a feeling.  So when someone makes a comment like that, I feel like shutting down.  I don't know that everyone going through that feels that way, but it is how I feel.  Please don't use it.  Allow the person to act however the way; because then they feel some short of control.  You are taking away the control with one sentence, that can send someone into a tail spin.  Don't be responsible for that.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

May the 4th be with you

I have had a ton of blogs that I have been working on, yet none of them seem to be the right one at the right time.  So I have been writing them down, so that I don't forget the idea instead of blogging them, mainly so that I don't forget.  

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like you were a stranger, or all alone?  Well it seems that I can do that now.  I also used to wonder how Hubs could slip out of rooms so fast and unnoticed, seems that I have learned this trick from him.  Also I really am not sure who reads these, I'm always surprised at when someone says something that I have wrote about or posted, then I know that they are listening.  

Last night was the end of my mom's group, and as I have said before I still feel like a fraud there because all my babies are in Heaven.  But, I feel a bond with these ladies, so I try to still keep going.  I also am trying to find ways to settle myself, so I have been trying to go to Church, and attend an actual service.  I haven't made it that far yet.  
As I was sitting there, for one of the first times I have felt alone.  How can someone sit beside you and they not converse with you?  There were about 3 times were I didn't feel like I was going to float away.  Once when I was asked what we would like to study next year, 2nd when someone asked me if I was okay, and I answer "No"... and then the best...

I learned that there is an IVF/Infertility support group at church.  Sign me up.  Maybe I won't be so lost?  Maybe I will find a friend that understands me and won't just leave me.  Maybe I will just learn to be and not be so angry and upset all the time.  Maybe just maybe.

There are times when I think that I need to get off this journey, when I just need to stop and say "I will not have my baby." Which is super hard and brings instant tears in my eyes and pain in my heart.  I really don't remember what life was like before IVF.  Before all the trying, before limiting diets, before hair loss, and skin issues, before tears.  Just Before.

6 years ago I believed that the hardest thing I was going to have to get through was the year of our wedding.  No even the first year of being married, just the preparation the struggle of all that.  I thought that once that was over, that the rest would come easy.  And yet here we are again, with another damn struggle! IVF is one of these things that there is no end in sight.  Unless you stop going for the treatments, and even then that is not an end.

My thoughts are jumbled today because they are just that way.  I am at this place in my life where nothing makes any sense.  I'm really not in a positive place.  The thing is if you stay in this place then I will just be there.  I will be stuck. No one wants to talk to me, their lives are still going on, and I am just here.  

I am going to leave this here, I am going to say that I am trying to find the norm.  I know that people no longer what to hear my story they are tired of it.  I know that there are people that are no longer here for me, I understand.  But, I have had a few people reach out to me.  I am thankful.  I know that I am alone, but I hope that I am changing some peoples minds.  

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

My Wish

My Wish

Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Basically put one foot in front of the other and keep on going.  It's easy for me to say, it's hard for me to do.  I'd be lying to you if I said that I don't still wish that I will wake up one day pregnant without any medical intervention.  There is still a small part of my heart that thinks this will happen, every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up.  This is a lie, and I have to learn this VERY hard truth.  I'm not sure if I am able to process this truth.  

Some day's I feel like I waited to long for any of this.  I waited too long to try and get pregnant and I waited to long to start the IVF process.  When you are coming up on your 32rd birthday (and let me stop you right there if you are going to tell me I am young... because if you know there is more to this than age.. and as you get closer to 35 there are more things to this process that add to it) you start to think that this was not what God intended for you to do with your life.  But, then you look at it in another way and you see that past high school, you took your time in everything in your life.  So, why should this be any different.

I have seen some posts lately about suicide and depression.  I can say that I have really down days, however I have not thought about either one of these.  And if I am slightly depressed then that is just what it is.  Although I have for some time thought about talking to a therapist.  I haven't made it there yet. (I also don't what to say that this is not a real thing, suicide is real.  However, that is not apart of my journey and I want to make sure that everyone knows that this is not something that is there in my life.)  Even though I haven't been able to make my baby (or birds or puppies as we like to call our embabies on any given day) and I am sad about it, I am trying to get to the point to where I am pushing on.

I don't feel defeated yet.  I'm still looking for the window on all the closed doors.  I think what is frustrating me the most right now is there are no answers as to why IVF did not work.  Nothing.  I haven't want to call the Doctors such awful names since then that I can't even think of anyone down there that I like other than 3 nurses.  (Which is funny if you really know me, because all they really do is fill my meds and take my blood, and I HATE needles... or do I>?!?!?)  One morning when I was driving down there my new favorite song came on the radio.. "The Ground Up" by Dan and Shay.  Holy flood gates...  When Dr. Smith who is my favorite Doctor down there asked me how my day was going, I cried again.  She asked what was wrong and I said, I really don't know, I have been crying since my song came on the radio and I can't stop.  But, I need to stop because after this I have to go to work.  She looked at my chart and said all the follies look good, so don't worry.  I stopped crying... Dr. Smith retrieved my eggs on the 25th of July and then I didn't see her again... she went out on maternity leave. I saw her the most during my 2nd round and I didn't even get to talk to her when it was all over.  I had to talk to the Doctor that I didn't even see, I hadn't seen him since January.  That was when I was over that clinic, that is when I didn't want to do it anymore.  But, Dr. Williams convinced us to use our last frozen Embaby.  I wish beyond anything, that I didn't listen to him.  Why couldn't I save it and have the hubs go to his appointment?  I could go on about how mad I am.  I could go on about how I feel cheated, but there are couples out there that I have it worse than me.  And even though there is no reason that they could give us that could still be good because maybe it is all about luck.

2017 is the year of the baby.  So many babies being born, and so many having babies.  Sometimes I think that it would be good to just be done with facebook.  Because I could live in unknown bliss.  But, then really I should just lock myself in my home and stay glued to my couch because there are more people than those that post on facebook.  I really don't know how to handle it.  I am so happy, but at the same time so sad.  I am just waiting for my turn.  

One more thing before I go.. my dreams.  Oh my goodness I wish that it would stop.  A while ago, before hubs and I got married I used to have this dream of a curly headed baby with big blue eyes (no gender just looks).  Those dreams stopped after we got married and I dreamed of baby girls for a long time.  Except they were faceless baby girls, with great names by the way but in my dreams I would look down and my baby would have no face.  I would wake up in sweats.  When we started trying my dreams were all over the place.  I had dreams of babies, I had dreams of my children, I had dreams of bad things like miscarriage and just all kinds of things.  They still come, but not as bad.  Now I have dreams of baby boys.  Which is weird because I never thought that I would be a boy mom.  I don't want anyone to take offense of this.  It is just that I always thought that we would have girls for some reason.  They haven't gotten more intense when Hubs and I decided on a boy name.  Which is even more funny... When we got our first cat as a married couple who was a boy (that we lost :(  ) it took us weeks to name him.  He just walked around the house till we named him Sirius.  After getting him we got our boxer.  Poor Miss Abby went almost a month without a name.  We had a new name a week for her.  Then I said let's call her Gabby, and Hubs heard Abby and it stuck.  We are so indecisive on names, I'm not even sure that we will be able to stick with the names that we like.  So, back to my dream... my son is named.  I call him by name.  He looks like he should have the name that we decided.  I need this dream to stop.  Because I wake up from it every time.  Sometimes I just startle awake and sometimes I jump almost out of my bed.  It is like I am trying to hold on to the very last 2nd of my dream, I know that waking up is going to bring me back.  And I don't want to.  Which brings me to my 2nd favorite quote:

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