Sunday, July 23, 2017

kindness

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Sometimes it is the little things the people do that make all the difference.  I never knew how much I would appreciate little acts of kindness until I went through this journey to my baby.  

Many people don't understand what it is like to open up facebook or any other form of social media and see something that brings you joy and pain all at the same time.  This is exactly what happens when I open up facebook or the like and see a baby announcement.  It is hardest when it comes from someone in my family.  Because, I think that they could tell me.  You don't have to call me.  A message or text will do.  But, they don't.  

I don't want to dwell on the above topic.  It is something that I feel like I could on about for days.  I could also talk about how family is really not there for you.  And how I am realizing that family is not about blood, it is about the people that you decide are a part of it.  I want to talk about something else other than being upset.

I have had some really kind people this year tell me that they are pregnant before I had to figure it out.  I cannot say how much that means to me.  It is probably the nicest thing that you can do for me.  I cannot thank you enough for thinking of me.  No matter how it is that you came to your baby, any step can be hard; I am rooting for you.  And I am in your corner!!!

Update:

As you know Mischa and I switched IVF clinics.  Not only because we believe that Martha Jefferson (MJ)/ UVA had no interest in us being pregnant, but because his new job covers IVF.  Even though this has me in a wreck; I am really happy about it.  I got to thinking... This place has fertility in the title.  MJ does not.  Sure is has "Reproductive" in the title, but they really didn't get to the bottom of why I can't reproduce.  

As I have said before when we met with the Dr she asked so many questions.  Ones that I didn't have many answers to.  I really thought that I knew all there was to this.  I found out that I really don't.  The protocols that MJ had me on where to suppress my system.  Which makes no sense unless I have a low egg reserve.  Which to my knowledge I don't.  But, I really don't know if MJ tested me for that.  I will find out when I go back to the new place and they go over all of our options.  But they are testing for everything.  They are recommending that Mischa have a Kerrotype test.  We were never asked to do this before.  Also once we make embryos they want to do testing on them as well.  It was suggested that MJ wanted to test our embryos, but he said that we made perfect ones so we should just go ahead that do another FET.  

I don't want to get into "Hot Topics" but all this testing sounds really great, if they can tell me why it didn't work.  Because I feel like such a fool sometimes.  I feel like when my OB said go to MJ or Shady Grove I should have picked Shady Grove.  But, I didn't.  I feel like I wasted a year.  A year that I could have had a baby.  Come this October if I would have done something different I could have a 1 year old.  This could all be over.  I could stop feeling so bad for myself.  But, I picked something else.  I regret it.

End of Update.

Kindness.

As I sit here in the quiet of my thoughts, I realize that I blinked and 2017 is almost over.  It has been pretty rough.  This journey has brought a lot of heartache and sadness.  It has brought a lot of things.  It is hard not to shut everyone out and try and protect myself.  Especially when you feel like people lie to you.  I feel like that a lot.  More often then I would like to say.  If you have a friend or family member that is going through this process I have some tips for you:
1. Be honest.  Don't say one thing because that is what you think that they want to here.  More times than not, it isn't what they want to hear.  They wanna here the truth, because when they find out the lie, then they think that you are lying about everything.
2. Be kind.  Any little act will do.  If we can be one of the first few to find out your are pregnant, that is the most kind thing you can do.  If we don't have to find out through social media even better.
3. Spend time with us.  We aren't freaks.  We aren't some weird science experiment.  And we don't talk about this 24/7.  Spending time with us helps us not think about what is going on all the time.
4. Check in.  Once in a while ask the person how they are doing.  I promise it is not always so heavy.  
5. NEVER EVER NO MATER WHAT begin a sentence with "We weren't even trying."  This is a nail in the coffin, seal the deal, I am never talking to you again sentence.  I know that this requires some thought.  But, I don't want to hear about how easy it was for you to get pregnant.  Because, lets face it, it is not easy for me.

There are many more things that I can say.  

But, that is for another time.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Hazel Eyes

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I have been thinking, thinking, and EVEN more thinking.  And yet I feel like I have nothing to say.  Or maybe I have a lot to say.  IVF take 3 is taking it's time on me and it hasn't even begun.  The entire UVA/Martha Jefferson has me in such an up roar, that sometimes I cannot think straight.  I'm not sure how one place can just ignore you.  How, they don't send your records, and then bill you for something that your insurance covered and paid.  I will never get it.

I have been thinking about the point in all of this.  A period comes at the end of the sentence and it has to be time to end this part of it.  A lady that I follow on Instagram has come to the end of her IVF journey.  The cannot afford or emotionally afford to go on the journey any longer, my heart breaks for them.  I always wonder what that will look like for Mischa and Me.  It can look different, and I am not saying that we are at the end.  I just wonder.  Anyways..
I wonder sometimes what I am doing.  What is my purpose.  I think that sharing my story and awareness is one, but there has to be others.

I was talking to a friend about the "Infertility Club" as we have named it; we were talking about how different people have tired to connect with us over this.  How these people want to be a part of this club.  All I could say/ask.. Why do you want to be a part of this club?  Trust me, that answer should be NO!  This is not something that I WANT to bond with you over.  If we happen to share this, then okay, we can bond.  But, don't make shit up in order to talk to me and then try and bond.  I am not okay with this.  

I am not okay with being a made a fool.  I am not okay with people asking me things, because they think that something is wrong and that I will know.  I am not a doctor.  I can't tell you what is wrong.  And don't assume that because you have been trying that something is wrong.  I have been trying to make my baby for 5 years.  That is a long time.  I could have a 4 or 5 year old right now.  I have a 5 year old boxer, that I thought would grow up with my 2 legged child.  This is not the case.  I had to fight for all of this.  I had to find a doctor that would stop looking just at me, and I have had to pay and am still paying about 24k for all of this.  I didn't that I was made, but I guess that I am.  

In those 5 years I have learned a lot.  You will learn a lot.  You will do things that you NEVER thought possible.  You will do things that you NEVER thought possible.  You can find God or leave him.  You can become closer to your spouse or not ( I am closer to him, just in case you were curious.)  You will depend on strangers.  You will become friends with people, and then unfriend people.  You will do a lot.  

But...

Trust me when I say that you DON'T want to be a part of this club, that you don't.  You don't want to explain to people that you are not a mom because your babies are in heaven (Disclaimer: I believe that about my Embryos, you don't have to.  That is just my choice.)  You don't want to tell people that you just meet that you got up this morning and made a trip to an IVF clinic, all before most people get out of bed.  When I say that you don't you don't.  You don't want you friends to feel sorry for you (but you are thankful, that they are and they pray for you.)  You don't want this.  You really don't want this.

So while my ball of nerves are working... Pray for me or whatever you send in happy thoughts do that too.  Cause I am a mess.  And the ball is at the top of the MT and I am about to get crushed.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Ponders of the Wonders

Image result for what god has brought together let

I want to first say that;  I am on this weird spiritual journey.  Before, I didn't think of myself as spiritual, nor did I think that I would become closer to God, however here I am.  And, 2nd I know that many do not believe/ or think that God has a hand in this.  I am sorry if you don't feel that way.  I am also sorry if I offend you.  Now, moving on.

I wanted to give a little update.  I don't really have much to go on.  I have been bouncing around to different doctors in the past two weeks.  I really hate them.  No offense, but it is NOT my favorite place to be.  I had a recheck at the Dermatologists office... I am starting to hate going there.  My skin is clearing up, but I spend maybe 10 minutes with her, for her to yell at me again about not using hand sanitizes, then she gives me some new cream, and off I am again for another 2 months.  I don't like weather I hate the 10 minutes, or I hate the new medications more.  Good news is the next appointment I will be able to break free and only have to see her once a year, unless I need a refill.  The other thing is, I really didn't care that my skin was breaking out.  I was more worried about my hair falling out.  And now that that has stopped, I don't feel the need to come at all.  But, I will keep going.  
I also went to the eye doctor.  Which was fun.  My eye doctor is an older guy that has been in town for a long time.  He loves to shoot the shit.  So, I bring Mischa with me, and they talk, and I just focus on my eyes.  I am more blind than last time, and I finally got my eyes dilated.. I have a detached/ floating Retina.  So, how he explains it to me.  You do nothing, until you get in a fight with one of your friends at a bar and you decide to Jello wrestle, and I get knocked in the head really hard and see flashing lights.  Then I have to go to the emergency room, for them to laser my eye back together.  I laughed so hard, my bar days are over, and I hate Jello.  But, you know what I will remember that.  So, I guess his job is done.

So I had my first blood drawl with the new Fertility clinic today.  Wasn't that bad, but the nurse that made my appointment forgot to tell me that I was going to have an internal sonogram.  My text with Mischa after the appointment went something like this, "Had my first appointment with Dilly today." I really have to laugh at this.  This new place really has these rooms set up.  All the supplies are sitting on the counter.  Pads, tampons, whips, you name it, its there.  I should have brought my phone back to photograph.  But I was a little nervous this time around and left it with my mom in the waiting room.  This place also runs like a well oiled machine, not like UVA.  It is also pretty bad when your Eye Doctor tells you not to use UVA; for anything.  Now, I can't say that they are all bad.  When my Pappy had trouble with his gallbladder they saved his life.  And around this area you can't escape them.  You have to go more north in order too.  So, what can you do?  

Anyways:  I really want to thank all of you for the love and support that you have given me over the past 3 years.  From encouraging me to switch OB/Gyn's to all the positive energy that you have given to me.  It really makes doing this a lot easier.  I am really greatful!  Now, get off of here and enjoy the birth of America!!!  Love, Baby Dust, and Lots of Fireworks!!!

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Take 3

Image result for the scientist by coldplay

I want to first begin by saying that I NEVER knew that I liked Coldplay until I couldn't get this song out of my head.  Please don't quiz me on Coldplay songs or try to get me to sing them, because I probably don't know the words.

I have waited a long time to look back into IVF/ Fertility treatments, since stopping things in December and not being pregnant yet again, I wanted to be done with it all, and I wanted to push it all out of my mind as far as I could get it.  You could say that I have been living somewhat of a "normal" life since December.  To be honest I don't remember what normal life was like.  I got to watch Hockey like a crazy fan, I got to pretend that we were just a normal couple who decided to wait to have kids.  It was bliss.  It was all a lie.  But, that is okay... it is the one lie that I enjoyed for a little while.

I am not sure if I have said this, but I am getting more proud of myself.  I keep meeting new people and not telling them about IVF.  It used to come out like word vomit.  So now that I it doesn't, and I can control it a little bit better I am really relieved about it.  (So..I use the phrase "Word Vomit" a lot.. I realized that you might not know where this is from.  Please watch the move "Mean Girls" then you will know :)  Trust me, it is really funny.  And at that time it was pretty accurate on how clicks were.)

I think that I have been trying to pretend that I don't need IVF or fertility treatments.  As we all know this is not the case.  I went and talked (one time, cause I didn't like her) the a counselor.  She made a few good points, but she wanted to coach me and not counsel me.  The one point that she made was that she felt like I was trying to convince the world, of what I cannot convince myself.  Science is just that, and we have come a long why with it.  But, there is still so much further to go.  A lot of Doctors will NEVER look at the male side of infertility.  Trust me this is not just a female thing.  But, that is a fight that I cannot take on my own, I need to stick with what I can do.  

So let me go back to the beginning...
The Hubs will now be referred to as Mischa (if you watch the American's you will know where this is from, if you are not watching the American's you don't know what you are missing), I know what this is close to his real name, but I am not super creative here.  
In December after begging and pleading I finally got UVA to send us to a specialist.  Stephanie, one of the nurses that I like, said that we hope to see you soon, and I explained that Mischa was getting a new job, and that we had to go where the insurance told us.  She really thought that we were coming back, but what she didn't know is that I had no desire to EVER set foot inside that office again.  I began to hate it.  I felt like the had no interest in getting us pregnant, and all they wanted was money.  I remember looking around the office one day, on the day that I was running late and so were they... several woman were sitting in the office.  I tried really hard not to look around a judge, however it was harder than I thought.  I kind of got good at reading these peoples faces even though many of them I had not seen before.  I could tell which one was there for the first time, just by how hopeful she look.  I could tell from the shoe that this other lady was wearing that she was going to get pregnant with in the first or second go round.  Her shoes were super expensive, she had a key ring with a Lexus key on it, she was carrying a coach bag (it was not knock off), and lastly her hair and nails were done super nice and on trend.  I wanted to punch her.  I knew that she had lots of money and could do this process as many times as she wanted to.  And then I wanted to punch the office in the face.  I'm good at being angry.  I knew that if I had to wait any longer then I would probably become a ragging bull in a China shop.  Luckily as soon as I finished my thought, I was called back.
I am really thankful for the new job that Mischa got and the insurance that it provides.  I am also glad that I like getting a 2nd opinion, and not just because they say what I want to hear.  Because most of the time, it is better.  This time was better.

Mischa and I were super nervous when we went to Shady Grove.  For different reasons, he was worried about the cost.  I was worried about what they were going to tell me.  I knew that our new insurance provided some type of coverage for fertility, what I was worried about was that I felt like we had tried everything.  I thought that we were going to be turned down.  I was very unprepared for this meeting.  Mainly because I thought that we would be turned away.  But, this doctor was hopeful.  Her first sentence after introductions was remain hopeful, she said I know that is hard, but remain hopeful.  She said that more times than I could count.  We went through general questions, in fact many more that UVA... some of them I couldn't answer, because I just didn't know.  But, she said that her nurse would take care of what I didn't know.  Holy crap, you mean I don't have to do this all by myself?  We still don't qualify for IUI, and that is okay.  I can deal with that.  But, we can still do IVF.  We told her that we couldn't sign anything until we knew costs.  Our insurance is really picky also, so everything has to be done when they say.  But, lucky for us, this time... it will only cost us $375.  The finance lady and the receptionist were so stunned.  The Receptionist asked Mischa  what he did for a living ( I can' tell you all, sorry).  He told her, and she was like damn, never leave, he said he didn't plan on it.  We were gasping as we left the office.  We couldn't believe that it was true.  We are still in shock.  I think that we are coming to terms now.  

So, we will be going through take 3 some time in the near future.  New office, new doctor new meds... oh and they put you on prenatal vitamins that they recommend.  And I had to sign this waver that I was taking care of myself with breast self exams and ob/gyn care.  UVA never had me do any of that.  They didn't even care what vitamins that I was taking.  I feel like I am getting care, not just trying to have a baby.

So, now with renewed hope, I wish you love and baby dust!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Little Moments

Well, I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now what she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't' even act like I was mad
Yeah, I live for little moments like that
-Brad Paisley

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There are very few times where I am not thinking about when my baby will come.  The reminder is sometimes almost more than I can take.  Yesterday was a time where there were moments where I forgot and then there were moments that I was reminded.

Yesterday, Hubs and I went to one of our favorite places, Busch Gardens.  We have been taking friends with us, because it is more fun with more people, and we enjoy company.  When I was thinking about having fun, when I was tasting the food, I wasn't thinking about not being pregnant.  But, when I got on one of the rides, I was reminded that I had tried so very hard for a year. You see there are some things that are reminders of a year of trying.  Not being able to hold my bladder is one of them.  

I really do enjoy the moments when I am forgetting.  Not that I can totally forget about it, I just like when I don't have to remember.  I did really really well this last month.  I met a few new people and I didn't tell them about the IVF journey.  I just talked, one did ask me about having kids, and instead of it coming out like work vomit I just took a deep breath and I said, "Not Yet."  Which makes me pretty proud.  It is hard sometimes not to just say it.

Another little moment is my hair. My hair is growing back and not falling out.  This I noticed big time yesterday.  One reason is because I took a straightener to my hair.  The other I could put it up in a bun, and nothing came out.  I know that people lose their hair for many reason's, but it was the 2nd worse thing to happen other than not being pregnant.  Many may have not noticed that my hair was getting thinner, and I am okay with that.  But, I have happy to say that my hair is better again.

It's really funny how different moments sneak by you.  How time "Stands Still for no man.."  I could spend so many of those moments thinking about what I don't have.  But, I try hard to focus on what I do.  I also try to focus on things that need to be changed.  I am working hard on that.

"I live for little moments.. Like that."

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Support



This journey can get lonely.  Even if I have taken a break from all the treatments.  Until I get pregnant, I am still in this, unless I leave it all together.  I think that people don't always know how to support those going through this, and while this might not be the way for everyone, this is a suggestion.

Listen:  Even if the person is not talking; listen to what they have to say and what they don't have to say.  Sometimes this is may take a little bit of detective work, but pay attention.  Don't think of what you are going to say next, sometimes you need to not talk about you.  Just listen.

Be there:  There is nothing more than someone needs going through this than someone to be there.  And don't just say that you will be there, make an effort to be there.

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Stress:  It's pretty high.  We need a lot of things to destress us.  Sometimes we don't get to do anything that will actually help with this, because everything makes us feel stressed.  Find things that we like to do and do it with us.  We will feel better.

Sometimes I forget, okay not sometimes, ALL the time I forget what other people have gone through on their journey to their babies.  It is not because I just want to think about what is going on with me, or that I want it all to be about me.  It is because I think about so much and I forget what others have gone through.

Talking with the Hubs (which I really want to change his nickname.. that's another day) and he sees things way different from me.  I don't know if it is because I am so caught up in things, or because I just think that I see it the way I see it.  But, I only see one side of it.  And that could really be bad.

I have been keeping track of how long it has been since I have had my last shot.  In case you too are not keeping track it has been 6 months.  I didn't mean to leave it this long, but here we are, and it was about this time last year that we decided that we were going to start cycles again at the end of June after our vacation.  It is crazy to think that a lot can change in 6 months, and a lot can not.  It is also funny that when you are at different doctor's office they will ask you if you are pregnant.  In fact at the dentists office today I got asked 3 times if I was pregnant; once on paper, once by the hygienist, and lastly by the dentist.  I almost said that I would 100% tell you if I was because I would be so excited that I couldn't keep that secret from anyone.  I just brushed it aside.

I didn't want to write a blog today that would be sad.  This one was supposed to be more about making you think.  However, it seems that all I write about is being sad.  I really wish not to be sad.  I really wish that I find the peace.  I promise to stop writing blogs so late at night, because I feel like they are starting to not make sense.

I leave you with this...

Love's own tender flames warm this meeting And love's tender song you sing But fly away little pretty bird And pretty you'll always sing

Crooked Still- Pretty Bird

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mother's Day

Warning:  This blog is not about any ONE person.  This is just how I feel going into Mother's Day.

Tomorrow is the hardest day of the year, for me.  It is a reminder of what I do not have.  And boy was I reminded.  I often get people who tell me "Happy Mother's Day," and I really go on about my day, I'll say thank you and move on.  But, this year was hard.  There were many times when people would completely leave me out of the round of good wishes they were giving to others.  I get it, I don't physically have a child.  So, if you were looking that way then you would not care to wish me Happy Mother's day.  But, if you know me then you would at least try a well wish.  And I got nothing.

I am very thankful for what I do have on Mother's Day, my 4 fur babies are my happy place.  I have my mom, mother-in-law, both my grandma's and hubby's grandmas.  That is a lot of ladies to be thankful for.  And I am thankful for all of them.  I don't want anyone to ever think that I am not happy for that.  But, I am also sad, that I am not a mommy to a 2-legged puppy.  I don't get the hand made things from daycare or school.  Those are things that I miss, that I yearn for.

I have recently been told that I shut people out or I shut down when I can't make people understand me.  I thought long and hard about this.  And I think that the reason that I do that is because I try to make people understand me, and when I feel that they aren't listening to me then, I lose the effort to make the effort.  I wasn't always good at this.  In fact, I think that this is something new that I have learned.  I wouldn't call it a defense tactic.  I'd call it a learned behavior.

I also learned that I need validation, and sometimes for pretty basic stuff.  I need to know the why, because I always think that there is a why, and if i don't know that why, then I lose my freaking mind.  It is funny to know what your body is communicating when you are not even talking.  Or when you are not talking about what you think you are.  I think that this is a way of being in control.  When you have no control over a situation like this, over being pregnant and not being pregnant, you have to find a way to get in control.  It's part of my "Plan B," which I always seem to have.  But, right now there is no "Plan B."  So, I don't really know what the hell I'm doing.

The funny thing about asking for help, is when people don't think that you need help.  So, they offer you something different.  And when people don't think that you need them, they don't offer you any help at all.  I feel like I am crying out for help, and I am communicating that I need it, but I guess it goes back to the shutting down, and I can't seem to make it real.  Or make it something that people understand.  

One last thing that I learned, and I really didn't know this one AT ALL.  I have to feel justified in my career.  I didn't know that I was speaking this.  I thought that I was content.  I didn't know that I wasn't verbalizing this, or that I was verbalizing my discontent with it.  When you talk about the entire make up of a person, you have to factor in things like a job, and a home and a family.  But, when I spoke and I talked about things that I loved, my voice must have changed.  I didn't really say anything negative.  I didn't really say anything.  I just said that I worked there.  But, somehow I said that I didn't feel justified.  So, now I don't know what to do.  How do you change this, when you feel like you don't have a great skill set?  How, do you change this when you didn't know that you needed this change?

Okay, I lied... this is the last thing.  Tell every female that you see "Happy Mother's Day."  Leave it to them to correct you.  You don't know what they are going through, and you just might brighten their day.  We can all stand to be a little nicer.