Friday, January 12, 2018

Why Me?

Image result for Why me

I have been asking that a lot lately.  My path has been a rough one, I am not settled.  I call this FET the long dragged out one.  And I just can't catch a break or catch up.  Sometimes I just wish that I could myself a bubble on in pause mode until this is all over.  That I don't have to miss days of work, or get up at the but crack of dawn, to drive for and hour and a half and then have a 15 min appointment.  But, that is me, that is the path that I have choose.

After our last failed attempt, we were supposed to have a FET transfer on December 18th.  But, I didn't get my period on time for that, so they moved me to January 8th.  I started steroids and estrogen in December, right before Christmas, and was on birth control for most of the month.  Then at my lining check on the 3rd, it wasn't where it was supposed to be.  My nurse said that it would change by a few days.  Well, on my next check on Sunday the 7th, it was still not an 8.  The 10th is still not an 8.  And so I have another appointment on Sunday, and I am sure that it will still not be an 8.  To say I am grumpy is an understatement.  To think that this round of shots will be for nothing makes me bitter.  To think that I might have gained even more weight just for me not to transfer is outrageous.  But, it is the never ending cycle.  Also, I have started to have pre-period symptoms.  So i really feel like it is just around the corner, and my nurse will not answer, as to if this is a red light or not.  Why Me?

I saw one of my Aunt's today, that I haven't seen in a long time.  She told me how beautiful that I was, she tells me this a lot, so I know that she means it.  But, today I am just not feeling that way.  I had to tell her why.  She is also one of the first people that we told when we were trying naturally.  I remember those days.  Even though I feel like they were 100 years ago.  Sometimes, I am not sure if I will ever not remember every little part of this entire thing.  My cousins wife was asking me how I was, and how things are going.  And I told her that I feel tortured.  She brought up a good point, I will feel that way until I got the end result of what I want.  True.  

These days I feel bad about many choices that I make.  One more glass of tea?  Why not?  One more carb, sure?  Dairy, yep!  I should stop it all.  But, they just keep putting me off that I just don't see a reason to stop.  I just want to feel normal.  I do believe in this process, I believe in my clinic and the team of Doctors.  I don't believe that they would not want me to be pregnant.  Not, like UVA.  I don't know that they had any interest in growing my family.  They were just out to make money.  And there I was willing to give it.  I told ya, bad choices.  

I also want to say that since I have been off of "Facebook," I feel a lot better.  I feel like I don't have to explain every time that I blink.  I do feel some disconnect.  I don't know what is going on, and I have to rely on Mischa to tell me.  But, it's okay.  It is not the place for me.  It's not where I belong.  

Lastly:  Have you ever felt the feeling of being in a room of people that you are related to, and not knowing anything about them?  I felt that today.  It was so strange.  As I was looking over at them, I felt like they were strangers.  I think that I have felt that for a while.  Maybe all of my life.  Like I am sitting outside, just beyond that wall... they know nothing about me and I equally know nothing about them.  It was weird.  But, then again Why, me?  

Wednesday, December 6, 2017


In a perfect world people wouldn't be so offended all the time.  But, seeing as it is not... well you get the picture.u k

First off, this is MY blog.  If you are offended then you don't have to read it.  Second, my intentions have always been the same to tell you about MY journey, to educate about infertility, and to be a voice for people who may not want to talk about it or just want to remain silent.  Third, I am a person, behind these keys I have thoughts feelings and emotions and sometimes my feelings get hurt.  

I have left facebook.  I haven't deleted it yet, because I haven't had the time to get all my photos off of it.  My photos are very important to me.  So until Mischa can get them for me it will be up, but I will no longer be signing in.  To me Facebook is on big fat joke.  It used to be a great way to network or keep in touch with people that are far away.  Now it is one big political mess and one big way to piss people off or hurt people.  I want no part of politics, I don't watch the news.  People are voted in and then a get on with my day.  I badly want to keep in touch with many people.  I want to see family photos and all you crazy pet parents.  But, I want no part of facebook anymore.  If I know you personally in some way, then I am okay with giving you my phone number and staying in touch that way.  Otherwise, I will be here.

I made a post on Instagram (and facebook) and at the time I was VERY upset.  Sometimes, I cannot deal with my emotions and I will post and just let things come out.  The back lash from that post was something that I was not expecting.  I take ownership of what I said.  Even though I acted, the intent behind it was something that I meant.  The delivery might not have been the best, but that is okay.  Incase you missed it, I said that I was going to delete anyone who didn't tell me about their pregnancy first.  Which I believe is my right.  If I am upset, then why can't I do that?  And then... people told me how I was supposed to feel.  How I was supposed to react.  Telling me that I can't tell people what to put where... However, aren't you telling me the same thing?  Yes.  

If you talk to me.  Meaning you private message me, or you chat on my posts.. isn't that you keeping in contact with me?  So then, why would you not say hey we are pregnant?  Do you think that I would say something awful?  Well here is the kicker, I'm not.  If you ask the 3 people that have had the kindness to do that to me, all of them will tell you that I was really excited for them.  And I really am.  I just need time.  Time to myself to process my feelings.  I have to greave for myself.  I have to figure out how I am going to deal with me.  And NONE of it has anything to do with you.  None of it.

I think that my post is one reason that many people remain silent about the fertility issues.  Because having to deal with the comments that people leave you that they feel is okay is half the battle.  People think that we are being dramatic, but the thing is we really don't know how to deal with any of this.  Infertility does not come with instructions.  And many people have many different reactions to it.  It isn't fair for some one to say that this is how you feel.  Sometimes we don't know how we feel.  I cried about a dozen times to the different ways that people were reacting to my post.  The shame that I was getting.  I really want to no defend myself.  And then I had one thought, I got into this publicly because I did not defend myself.  So I did just that.  

You can say what you want.  But, until you experience it you won't know how it feels.  I want to be supportive to whoever needs it.  I want to express to you that if you think that you are having a hard time starting your family then don't wait, please go and find out what is going on.  I also want to say that if you know someone, other than me, that is going through this some of the best things that you are do are: LISTEN, BE KIND, BE SUPPORTIVE and let them know that they are not alone.  Sometimes I feel really alone.  I KNOW that not everyone agrees with what I say.  I will say that until I am blue in the face.  That is NOT what is about.  But, I want you to be kind, and not just to me.  Before you type what you are typing in a response to what I am thinking, please THINK about how I MIGHT take it.  I don't want a sugar coat, I just want kindness.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Blood thinners, shots, and more shots

I forgot to update you... whoops

Image result for hermione granger

It has been a tornado of a week.  We had our WTF appointment on Wednesday.  (I never knew that it was called that...but yeah it is.)  I think that it was the most nervous that I have been the entire time.  Because in the past our clinic has said... "well the embryos look good, but you can't make them implant."  Yeah that is awesome.  Such a great answer.  To be honest I was waiting for Dr. Garde so say that.  I was waiting for that bomb to drop.

That bomb NEVER dropped.  First of all she was really empathetic.  After being really nice and encouraging she let us ask our questions.  She wasn't talking over us, she wasn't not answering us.  She was listening and providing her recommendations and answers.  Dr. Garde is AMAZING. Dr. Garde believes that we have an implanting issue.  She said that our IVF was successful, but the transfer was not.  We basically told her that we wanted to try whatever,  without endangering my health.  

I asked first about and Endometrium Scratch.  They do them.  However, they do a biopsy of the cells that they scrape.  This takes some time.  We wouldn't be able to transfer until Jan or Feb.  They close for week in December for Christmas and the New year (one of the only times that they close.)  We want to transfer one more time this year, and because I couldn't talk to her right away, we got pushed back to December.  However, if this FET does not work, (she has every reason to believe that this time will result in a pregnancy, I want to be as hopeful as she is, I am getting there) then we can do the scratch.  We also asked about PGS testing.  This is a test to make sure that the embryos have the proper number of chromosomes.  This could be a reason for them not implanting.  Dr. Garde doesn't recommend this at this time.  Only because they have to unfreeze the Embryos, test them, refreeze them, and then un thaw them again at the time of transfer.  There is a possibility that even if they test normal that they may no make it through the process.  If we push to the new year, and do another IVF cycle, all the Embryos can be tested.  Before they are frozen, along with the one that is still frozen.  But, this pushes back everything.  So at this time we are not doing that.  

So what are we doing?  New meds.  As I said about Dr. Garde believes that we have an implantation problem.  When she recommends is doing a frozen transfer in December.  But, we are going all shots this time (thank the lord!!!) and we are changing things up a bit.  I am going to be on a blood thinner and a steroid to help my lining.    And Dr. Garde said while there is no data to back up these meds helping the Embryo implant, the have proof that for whatever reason the Embryos stick.  So I am gong to be torturing myself.  At one point I think I will be doing 4 shots in a day.  But, if it works, then it will be all worth it.  

I am nervous.  So many shots.  But, I will make it.  And I am greatful that we went to another clinic.  Because I feel so much better on that end.  They don't see me as a number.  They see me as someone who wants to have a baby.  And they seem like they are invested in this outcome.  Which I hope is the case, and I am not just seeing this with blinders on.  So for now I leave you with love and baby dust.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Bitch of the Week

Image result for inside out disgust

The Week after a BFN (Big. Fat. Negative or Big Fu*cking Negative) is pretty much the worst.  I am already upset a grumpy that this didn't work out, but it takes on an entirely different level.  Aunt Flo works her magic and there is the much added kicker that makes me just want to be an a**hole to whoever is around.  Sometimes it can be comical, but if you are in the live of fire it is never good.  And lets face it almost anyone can be in the line of fire... anyone.  You don't even have to talk to me and you can be in the fire. And I am not even good at the so called "resting bit*h face" but I can put on one.

I have realized that somewhere along the 16 years of being with Mischa (and then some for being his friend) I have adapted and learned his method of shutting down.  I allow the emotion for a little bit and then I shut if off.  I wouldn't say that I go back to "normal" but I try to go back to functioning.  Whatever that is...

There are some hard parts to IVF/Infertility/ Fertility...  The funny thing is, I thought that shots would be the hardest.  Honestly, I overcame that fear on our very first cycle, or maybe even before that when I was getting my blood drawn at the Ob's office.  I don't even think that the shots suck anymore.  they are just necessary.  So I do them and keep going.  The Egg retrieval doesn't even bother me.  The first time we had one I think that I stayed up all night.  After that... it was just something that had to be done.  The out come of the shots if you will.  The most stressful part to me is after the Eggs come out and the before they come back in... the growing of the Embryos.  You have so many come out, but only about half that make it.  And we have NEVER had so many make it than this time.  4 made it.  4.  Now we only have 2 left, but 4.  And then the hardest part is when you get the BFN.  

Even though I have been told that there is no reason that I shouldn't be pregnant I sit here still not pregnant.  And I sit here after the BFN and I think that there is still something wrong with me, as to why I can't get pregnant.  I think that it is natural to think this.  I'd like to think that I can get over this quickly.  But, it is pretty hard.  My mind won't settle, so it makes down time a little hard.  

When my mind is not going a million miles a minute it wants to break down.  I can't sit and read (even though it is one of my great joys...) because it allows my mind to slow and just focus on one thing.  I have a pile of books that I was supposed to read 2 years ago.  I just can't.  When I am driving in the car I have to make sure that the radio is on and I am focusing on it and where I am going, because if I stop my mind will allow the emotions to the front.  

So, to shut all of what my mind has stored in there I have been researching and googling and trying to find out where I can get a dog or puppy.  Crazy I know.  But when Ollie our cat was a baby he need cuddles and love and taught and my mind didn't think about things.  I wish that I could just defeat my thoughts. 

Being cranky this past week as been easy and settling.  Sometimes that is all it takes to be able to put 2 feet on the ground and keep on going.  Next week I will not be doing the whole bitch thing.  I'll be back to "normal" whatever that is.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017


I will put it all out there.

Image result for failed

Today's Beta test confirmed what I already knew, we are not pregnant.  I thought that I was pregnant until Saturday.  Saturday I started to spot.  I thought that it was just a part of it and I was still trying to hold onto hope, but hope is hard when you are grasping for it.  Yesterday it was almost a full bleeding and today it was.  I didn't even want to go this morning.  But, you can't cancel, you have to take the test.  

I allowed and always will allow myself 1 hour of cry time.  I got a little extra 15 minutes, because one of my co-workers brought me flowers at the end of the day.  All of my co-workers are great.  They are like my 2nd family.  I cannot thank them enough!  I only allow 1 hour of cry time because if I go longer I will go all day and I won't be able to stop.  I have to pick myself up, so I just let it happen for an hour.  

How can perfect Embryos not stick?  Please give me that magic answer.  Shady Grove will not transfer any Embryos that do not receive top notes, they won't freeze them either.  So, I am thinking that my uterus needs some work.  I have been googling like crazy, in between helping clients.  I found this procedure that is called an Endometrium Scratch.  They do it in woman who have had failed IVF's and transfers but have high quality Embryos.  I am scared that my clinic will not allow it.  There is also PGS testing, that costs $2000 and it can destroy the Embryos that we have.  I don't like that option.  There is also something called intralids.  It is supposed to make your uterus lining ready for transfer.  We will see what is chosen.

My mind is going a million miles a minute.  I want to eat sushi and drink tea.  (I had a little bit of Mt. Dew after they called me and said that it failed and it about made me vomit.)  I have decided that I am going to continue to try and lose weight.  I lost 7lbs, So I am just going to keep going.  I think that this will help.  

This is heart breaking.  I cannot hide this fact.  But, I still believe that this will work.  I just think that we have to keep trying.  We have to keep figuring this out.  I want to try all things and exhaust all options.  I want to be able to carry my own baby, so until someone tells me that I can't do that. I want to try that.  So, I have to focus on what's next.  The next steps.  I have to find it.  

I still wish you love and baby dust.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Menopur is no joke

Injections themselves are nothing to be taken lightly, but Menopur is a beast.  It stings and it hurts and I am not a fan.  But, my body likes it and it works.  For all my prayer and good juju warriors Thank You so much.  Because this seems to be really working.  

I have to say that I really feel different this IVF cycle.  I feel like I am at a place that know what they are doing.  They aren't guessing at things.  This isn't something that they are just trying.  I felt like everything in Charlotesville was just something to "try."  I'm still bitter over that.  I just feel like they were uninterested in me, I didn't have anything preventing me from being pregnant so I was a lost cause.

Now the next stages in this process, I am not sure how I will work out.  One of the shots I have to do in the morning.  And then I will start vaginal inserts that I have read that have to be morning, lunch, and night.  Um, when do I have time for that?  I guess Ill find time.  On the go?  I am not going to worry about that until its here.

It is funny to see how people are in different stages of their life.  A year ago I feel like I was in a different stage than I am now, but then some days I feel like I am in the same stage of my life.  How long will this stage take?  And Why am I putting age limits on any stage?  That is just what I do I guess.

When I went to the Dr's office yesterday, my follicles were already measuring and they aren't supposed to be.  I just I like to be ahead.  My estrogen levels measured good too.  I am doing good.  And I feel pretty good too.  I am not emotional.  Just tired, I have to be up at 6am or earlier to get to the appointments.  I am not a morning person.  So prayers and juju for that would be great.  Infact last night I feel asleep at 8pm, needless to say Mischa was not happy about that.  I was back to sleep by 10ish pm.  

Well, time to get ready for work.  Lots of love and baby dust!

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Wake me Up


Image result for wake me up when september ends

I am not a Green Day fan, but since this is the last day of September, I thought that this was appropriate.  This was THE longest September that I have had in a long time.  I was pretty much on Birth Control Pills (BCP) the entire month.  Which in the land of OZ pretty much sucks.  (More on that later.)  Abby our beloved Boxer had to have ACL surgery this month.  Which on the suck meter sucked pretty bad.  Poor girl has had a lot of trouble getting comfy and sleeping since then.  Lots of sleepless night.  I wish that I could give her a sedative at night, so that she could relax and sleep.  Mischa and I have been taking turns sleeping on the couch with her.  And it was really great last weekend when she stayed the night at my parents house.  I know that they didn't get much sleep, but we did and for that I am thankful.

I missed my first baseline appointment.  I'm not sure if it was them or me.  But I was sure that that appointment was on Friday the 29th, not Thursday.  Also I made an appointment Thursday morning, and the receptionist didn't say anything to me.  I have decided that I really don't like receptionist and I hope that I don't have to talk to her much other than having to make appointments, she seems kindof dumb and a little spaced out.  

I went to my appointment on Friday, but this also caused another day of BCP.  So I had to go and get a refill for one pill.  I would be okay with BCP if I could control myself and if I could not get cysts from them.  But, everytime that I go on them, I get a cyst.  So, I have lots of follicles, but I have a cyst.  Lucky for me, my blood work came back fine.. meaning that it is not an estrogen producing cyst.  So I am clear to start shots on Monday.  Shot Central Station is pulling in for a landing.  

Since being on BCP all I want to do is eat.  I have to always tell myself that I am not actually hungry, but it never fails and I just give in.  I am not sure what side effect this is, but I don't like it.  My face is always all broke out.  I am not sure why Doctor's put you on  BCP to clear your face, because it NEVER does mine.  

October is my favorite time of year.  If it could stay October all year, I would keep it.  I don't want to live anywhere where there isn't a fall or an October.  I am determined that we will enjoy all of October this year.  Mischa and I saw the IT movie the other day, which I am shocked that he wanted to go to, because he doesn't like those movies.  But, it was good.  And there was a preview for the new "Saw" movie "Jigsaw."  I was hoping that he would say that he wanted to go to that with me.  But, he shook his head no.  That's okay my mom will go with me.  
Well for now I leave you with love and baby dust!  I need lots and lots of baby dust.  Which you can order and send me if you would like... Just a thought!