Monday, April 23, 2018

it wont post

For someone who has a ton of say, I don't always say it in the best way.  I am guilty of a lot of things, I am trying to take more action and ownership of them.  "Baby" Steps.  

And there went all my thoughts... crap.

Lets try again:

I am trying to move away from all things infertility.  I am in no way not fertile (well I am but my situation as not been cured.)  But, in a short period of time a lot of things have changed for me.  A lot of opinions.  But, some things have remained intact and very much the same.  

One of those, getting a second opinion.  On anything and everything.  (Okay maybe not buy groceries or something like that...)  Don't do what I did and keep going home expecting something to change.  Don't look up remedies and solutions for something that you might not have.  Find another opinion.  Find it fast.

Ask lots of questions:  I mean lots.  Even if you think that they are dumb.  Even if you have to write them down on sticky notes.  Ask.  At our first infertility clinic I never asked anything.  No whys, now hows.  Nothing.  I did ask for a different protocol, but by then they were so used to me submissive that they didn't even take another look.  Ask in all ways.. even if you are asking about your dogs leg.. if you think that something is not right ask.

Control: Okay so this is something that has changed and intensified.  Because most of this process has been out of my control, I want to control everything.  I don't feel like this is unnatural.  I am also beginning to get annoyed when people are trying to change my mind about things.  Let me have this one time to be in control.  I have been dreaming and working at this for 6 years.  Sometimes part of that control is not wanting help.  If I don't ask for it, please stop trying to give it to me.  I need this at this time.  

Baby Name:  I don't know how many times, and how many different ways I have to say this.. We are NOT sharing our babies name.  (First we don't know yet what we are having, so stop asking that too!!)  Many people have been offensive about this.  They hurt my feelings.  Don't say you don't like this name, or that you want this name for the baby.. its not happening.  Once we know what gender the baby is (other than a Dragon!!) we will give it a nickname, and you are going to have to stick with that, until it's born and you hear the name.  By then it will be on a piece of paper and there is no going back.  So keep your opinions on this to yourself.

Putting me in uncomfortable situations is going to end badly for anyone involved.  Listen, I am not really a confrontational person, I can sit behind a keyboard and harass people a bunch (it is something that I am NOT proud of!!), but if you push me, my "Fight or Flight" is pretty high right now and first I will fight and then I will flight.  When I am trying to be quiet and just listen, I don't want to be berated over and over.  I cannot control the response that I have.  Saying anything negative about the baby, or telling me how I am supposed to feel will have a bad consequence, don't say that I didn't warn you.

I still don't like to talk about the baby.  Sometimes I can and can really get on a roll.  But, a lot of time I don't want to talk about it.  I am nervous, scared, happy, sad, and everything (but mad) all rolled into one.  It doesn't feel real.  I can't describe it, but I will try.  We made our baby in the most "Unique" way, that is becoming a lot more common.  We knew that we were pregnant before a lot of couples ever find out that they are pregnant.  We have more pictures of our baby than most people do during this time.  But, some of the traditional things that couples get to do when they find out they are pregnant go robbed of us.  It's not about who is on facebook (because for a while we were NEVER going to share that we were pregnant on their), its not about who talks to who.  It is about the joy of getting to share the news, and because of that I don't feel as connected as most people do (YET!!).  

Which brings me to my final thought, and this one has been bugging me for a VERY long time:  Baby #2.  Mischa and I don't know when or if Baby #2 will ever happen.  (Honestly, it won't be an attempt until this baby is at least 2 years old.  If then.)  This baby will not come naturally, I will have to do everything all over again (even possibly another egg retrieval.)  IVF has been hard on my body for the 3 years that we have been doing it.  I have gone up and down on the scale, my hormones have been to the point I never thought that I would recover.  It is hard on the mind, body, and soul.  (I am not trying to be political ((that is not my game)) and I am not trying to throw a bunch of religion into the mix ((I pray a lot, but I am not as religious as I should be.))  I have always asked God for one baby.  To just give us one baby.  That Mischa and I would be happy with one baby.  Honestly, I believe that when I stopped praying for particular traits for the baby, is when this all worked (I will be shocked if those are actually what happens. I might even laugh.)  Anyways: back to baby #2.. I just don't know.  And I want people to stop asking me.  Or stop thinking about it.   We have to do this first.  Also, we are not going to tell anyone when we plan on baby #2, if we do that.  It is going to be surprise to everyone.  Too many people let slip before we wanted to, that we were pregnant.  We are not going down that road again, its not fun.

Okay one more point:  I think that people still feel that I have a lot of anger.  Also, I think that a lot of people think that I am angry.  I have stopped that now.  I did have a lot of it.  I did harbor a lot of it.  But, I think I have softened.  I am coming back down to normal (just don't put me on birth control again.)  I can tell people that I am pregnant and I don't fear it.  (Except I don't like to ask where the maternity section is.. for some reason I get shy.)  I even enjoy searching for cool baby things.  Slowly I am getting to the point where I am not getting mad a people for being able to become pregnant naturally.  I find it easier to engage in normal conversations.  I love gossip again and I love talking about peoples love lives (but don't go overboard... I don't need everything.)  I feel like slowly "normal" Crystal is coming back.  She has just been in hiding for about 3 years.  Now, if I could rebuild my friendships, I would be all the way back.  Slowly... "Baby" Steps.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Lots to Say

It seems that everyone has a lot to say about me being pregnant, everyone except me.  And I am not talking about the advice that I am getting from friends, I am talking about the constant asking of what am I going to do about this, and what am I going to try to get a buy.  To put it this way... I simply don't know.  It's my first baby, and I am not sure what I am going to need or want.  I also don't know what I am having, yet.  So I don't want to make lists and request things just to do it.  I want to plan.  I want know that I am getting the right things.  

I don't want to offend anyone.  But, I really want to enjoy this.  I feel like I should have that right being that I have been trying, praying, asking, begging, and all around giving up a lot for this.  And by this I mean pregnancy.  I feel like some people are just trying to take this away, or make it all about them.  I am offended by it.  

I have always wanted to be honest about all of this process.  And now that I have gotten here, I feel like I need to be a hermit about things.  Which is not fair at all.  

Baby number one is just that baby number one.  Mike and I are not thinking, talking, or even making plans for baby number 2.  Please stop thinking about more children for us.  We want to think about this one.  And we want to enjoy this one.  There is no time line for number two, other than it will be at the very least 2 years from the time that this one is born.  My body has been through a lot in the last 2 to 3 years and it is beginning to go through a lot more.  I need to recover.  My butt still hurts from shots, I need a break.  Please be respectful.  Let us get to the end of this, before you decide that we need another.

Maternity Clothes:

This seems to be a big topic, for whatever reason.  As of yet, I don't need them.  But when I do, I have a lot to think about.  First I have to find clothes that are appropriate for work.  I don't just want anything.  I want nice clothes.  These will be my clothes.  I will need them from probably June till October and then beyond.  As picky as I am about my clothes now, I am going to be equally picky for these clothes.  I don't really let people buy me clothes, so I am not going to tell people what I want or where I am going to get it because I want to pick it out.  Lets stop with this topic.

Emotions, thoughts, and everything in between:

I have a lot of anxiety over pregnancy.  I don't really feel like I am an anxious person!  But, I believe that when you have gone through this process and it has taken you more than 4 months then you are going to have a little bit of anxiety.  I have just become comfortable with saying that I am pregnant... it only took me 3 months.  My girls at work, and a few friends have helped this along.  I realized that I am going to blink and it is going to be October, and my baby will be here and Ill be able to drink a coke, eat raw sushi, and have a lunch meat sandwich (all of which I am really crazing, if I am being honest).  But, for now I am living in this bliss that time has someone slowed down.  I am not ready to do certain things, I am just not.  I don't like to talk about the baby every time I open my mouth.  I also don't want to talk about what I am eating, if I am eating, and if I am gaining weight.  I have a lot to worry about, I am already heavier than I think that I should be going into this, thanks to IVF, so I don't want to gain too much.  I just think this: Let me enjoy this pregnancy.  Let me worry about all the things, and when the baby comes I am the mom.  I am going to to be the one responsible, I can do it.  If God, or whoever didn't think that I could, than I wouldn't be here.  Lets let this rest for a while!!!!

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

welcome back

I guess I have a lot to say now... some of it I am uncomfortable with, but I am going to try and blog a little more than I have been.  I miss it, and it helps me keep my sanity.  

I'm Pregnant.  This is still a shock.  Lets back up just a little bit (almost 2 months to be exact, 3 months very soon gestational wise), and see where this all started. 

On January 25th, after much back and forth from our IVF clinic we finally transferred ONE (looked to be hatching Embryo)!!!!  In my mind, I wasn't sure that this was going to work.  I don't think that this would really happen, my lining would not cooperate and after a very bad way to begin the New Year (one of my grandma's died on the 3rd of Jan and the other died on the 6th), I didn't know if I could go through it.  But, the day came and we did it.  I really like my RE.  She is one of the nicest Doctors ever!  When I was at my old clinic Doctors that you know did your transfer, at Shady Grove it is whoever is on duty.  When we went for a our transfer, we had a Doctor scheduled, and you know that it makes my nerves crazy.  The nurse checked us in, I got undressed and then she left the room, to get the Doctor and the transfer nurse.  When they came in I almost screamed in excitement, it was my Doctor, Dr.  Garde.  I was so relieved.  She cleared her schedule when she saw that we were on it, so that she could do our transfer.  The transfer went well, I laid there for a few extra minutes just joking around with Mike.  And of course I had to get up and pee.  And then we went to get McDee's fries.  (We were trying to eat at this Peruvian restaurant, but they didn't open until 4pm and since we had to wait in Rockville, MD and Mike hates the city... we decided to drive out of MD in rush hour!!!)  No, there was no instant knowing that I was pregnant.  Honestly I didn't think that I was pregnant.  My boobs were pretty heavy, and I had a lot of heartburn, and then weird food habits.  I POAS the day that we went for our first Beta test (Beta is what they test your blood for to see if you are pregnant), both were positive.  Then you have to make it to Beta 2 and Beta 3.  However, they don't tell you that you are pregnant until they see a heartbeat on a sonogram.  So you have all these feelings and emotions and you hope and you pray and you ask the people that you have told not to tell anyone, because it can all change in one test... but nothing changed.  Thank God!!  We graduation from the IVF clinic on March 5th and the next day I had my first OB appointment.  (I hate going to the Doctor, I don't like them. But my RE Dr. Garde and my OB Dr. Bell are two of my favorite people in this world.  And that is a lot when it is coming from me!!!)

The Shots: (not the fun kind)

I have been taking shots in my bum since December 19th 2017, to say that my bum was sore was and over statement.  I begged my OB to let me stop them.  But, he said no.  We were finally able to stop shots on March 17th.  Thank you!  Now I have lumps and bumps on my bum and the skin there is not the same from all the bandaids, I am not sure if my bum will ever go back to normal. But, I made it through.  I can say I did that.

To say a little about what is going on.  I have had "morning" sickness from about 2 weeks past transfer and still have it.  Eating is a struggle, drinking is even harder.  My OB gave me the morning sickness pill, but I don't really like to take a lot of medication, so I try not to take if I don't have to.  This week has been the worst.  There have been many times when I was positive that I was going to throw up.  I haven't thank goodness.  But, I have come really close.  If I was complaining, which I said that I would not and so I won't, that would be what I would pick to complain about!  I would like the throw up, so that the sensation of being nauseous all day would go away.  But, I haven't so, I guess that I am not going to.

Other than that I feel pretty good. I am thankful for every single day that we are pregnant.  It is the biggest blessing ever.  I am just trying to enjoy all of that, even when people try to take that away from me.  My body is slowly changing, and it is weird a scary all at the same time.

So I would like to answer a few more questions that I think that everyone has, I hope that this will clear up everything.

1. There is only one baby in there.  If it was twins they would be sharing a lot and would be easily seen on the sonogram.  Also we would have seen more heart beats.  Just one baby!
2. Yes we are going to find out the gender.  No we will not know.  We have a friend that can keep a secret like no other.  He is going to get the envelop.  He will know.  We will do a Co-ed gender party.  He will go the reveal for us.
3. The baby will not be named until it is born.  NO ONE will know it's name until it is born. 
4.  The baby will NOT be named after anyone in our families.
5. Mike and I have not made any decisions on any baby things.  We aren't far enough along and we don't know what we are having, so we are waiting to decide.  Once we do, there will be gift registry.
6. We are not totally comfortable talking about the baby yet.  We have waited 6 years for this.  It is hard to think that this is really happening.  Yes we have had some time to try and come to terms with it, but there are things that we are not ready to talk about.  Infertility is one of those things that can rob you of any happy feelings that you may have.  We take it day by day.  Don't push us, I promise that we will become more comfortable with it, it just takes time.
7. We are going to throw our own baby shower.  This is something that we want to do.

I think that I have answered most of the questions that I keep getting asked.  If I haven't I will try again.  For right now this little one and I are trying to get to know each other.  And I can't wait to meet him or her!!!  

To anyone who is still waiting, I really am rooting for you.  I know how it is to wait and wait.  Keep up hope.  I am praying and sending baby dust to you.  Please know that you can do this.  That this can work.  Any of it can work.  Much Love and Baby Dust.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Why Me?

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I have been asking that a lot lately.  My path has been a rough one, I am not settled.  I call this FET the long dragged out one.  And I just can't catch a break or catch up.  Sometimes I just wish that I could myself a bubble on in pause mode until this is all over.  That I don't have to miss days of work, or get up at the but crack of dawn, to drive for and hour and a half and then have a 15 min appointment.  But, that is me, that is the path that I have choose.

After our last failed attempt, we were supposed to have a FET transfer on December 18th.  But, I didn't get my period on time for that, so they moved me to January 8th.  I started steroids and estrogen in December, right before Christmas, and was on birth control for most of the month.  Then at my lining check on the 3rd, it wasn't where it was supposed to be.  My nurse said that it would change by a few days.  Well, on my next check on Sunday the 7th, it was still not an 8.  The 10th is still not an 8.  And so I have another appointment on Sunday, and I am sure that it will still not be an 8.  To say I am grumpy is an understatement.  To think that this round of shots will be for nothing makes me bitter.  To think that I might have gained even more weight just for me not to transfer is outrageous.  But, it is the never ending cycle.  Also, I have started to have pre-period symptoms.  So i really feel like it is just around the corner, and my nurse will not answer, as to if this is a red light or not.  Why Me?

I saw one of my Aunt's today, that I haven't seen in a long time.  She told me how beautiful that I was, she tells me this a lot, so I know that she means it.  But, today I am just not feeling that way.  I had to tell her why.  She is also one of the first people that we told when we were trying naturally.  I remember those days.  Even though I feel like they were 100 years ago.  Sometimes, I am not sure if I will ever not remember every little part of this entire thing.  My cousins wife was asking me how I was, and how things are going.  And I told her that I feel tortured.  She brought up a good point, I will feel that way until I got the end result of what I want.  True.  

These days I feel bad about many choices that I make.  One more glass of tea?  Why not?  One more carb, sure?  Dairy, yep!  I should stop it all.  But, they just keep putting me off that I just don't see a reason to stop.  I just want to feel normal.  I do believe in this process, I believe in my clinic and the team of Doctors.  I don't believe that they would not want me to be pregnant.  Not, like UVA.  I don't know that they had any interest in growing my family.  They were just out to make money.  And there I was willing to give it.  I told ya, bad choices.  

I also want to say that since I have been off of "Facebook," I feel a lot better.  I feel like I don't have to explain every time that I blink.  I do feel some disconnect.  I don't know what is going on, and I have to rely on Mischa to tell me.  But, it's okay.  It is not the place for me.  It's not where I belong.  

Lastly:  Have you ever felt the feeling of being in a room of people that you are related to, and not knowing anything about them?  I felt that today.  It was so strange.  As I was looking over at them, I felt like they were strangers.  I think that I have felt that for a while.  Maybe all of my life.  Like I am sitting outside, just beyond that wall... they know nothing about me and I equally know nothing about them.  It was weird.  But, then again Why, me?  

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Welp

In a perfect world people wouldn't be so offended all the time.  But, seeing as it is not... well you get the picture.u k

First off, this is MY blog.  If you are offended then you don't have to read it.  Second, my intentions have always been the same to tell you about MY journey, to educate about infertility, and to be a voice for people who may not want to talk about it or just want to remain silent.  Third, I am a person, behind these keys I have thoughts feelings and emotions and sometimes my feelings get hurt.  

I have left facebook.  I haven't deleted it yet, because I haven't had the time to get all my photos off of it.  My photos are very important to me.  So until Mischa can get them for me it will be up, but I will no longer be signing in.  To me Facebook is on big fat joke.  It used to be a great way to network or keep in touch with people that are far away.  Now it is one big political mess and one big way to piss people off or hurt people.  I want no part of politics, I don't watch the news.  People are voted in and then a get on with my day.  I badly want to keep in touch with many people.  I want to see family photos and all you crazy pet parents.  But, I want no part of facebook anymore.  If I know you personally in some way, then I am okay with giving you my phone number and staying in touch that way.  Otherwise, I will be here.

I made a post on Instagram (and facebook) and at the time I was VERY upset.  Sometimes, I cannot deal with my emotions and I will post and just let things come out.  The back lash from that post was something that I was not expecting.  I take ownership of what I said.  Even though I acted, the intent behind it was something that I meant.  The delivery might not have been the best, but that is okay.  Incase you missed it, I said that I was going to delete anyone who didn't tell me about their pregnancy first.  Which I believe is my right.  If I am upset, then why can't I do that?  And then... people told me how I was supposed to feel.  How I was supposed to react.  Telling me that I can't tell people what to put where... However, aren't you telling me the same thing?  Yes.  

If you talk to me.  Meaning you private message me, or you chat on my posts.. isn't that you keeping in contact with me?  So then, why would you not say hey we are pregnant?  Do you think that I would say something awful?  Well here is the kicker, I'm not.  If you ask the 3 people that have had the kindness to do that to me, all of them will tell you that I was really excited for them.  And I really am.  I just need time.  Time to myself to process my feelings.  I have to greave for myself.  I have to figure out how I am going to deal with me.  And NONE of it has anything to do with you.  None of it.

I think that my post is one reason that many people remain silent about the fertility issues.  Because having to deal with the comments that people leave you that they feel is okay is half the battle.  People think that we are being dramatic, but the thing is we really don't know how to deal with any of this.  Infertility does not come with instructions.  And many people have many different reactions to it.  It isn't fair for some one to say that this is how you feel.  Sometimes we don't know how we feel.  I cried about a dozen times to the different ways that people were reacting to my post.  The shame that I was getting.  I really want to no defend myself.  And then I had one thought, I got into this publicly because I did not defend myself.  So I did just that.  

You can say what you want.  But, until you experience it you won't know how it feels.  I want to be supportive to whoever needs it.  I want to express to you that if you think that you are having a hard time starting your family then don't wait, please go and find out what is going on.  I also want to say that if you know someone, other than me, that is going through this some of the best things that you are do are: LISTEN, BE KIND, BE SUPPORTIVE and let them know that they are not alone.  Sometimes I feel really alone.  I KNOW that not everyone agrees with what I say.  I will say that until I am blue in the face.  That is NOT what is about.  But, I want you to be kind, and not just to me.  Before you type what you are typing in a response to what I am thinking, please THINK about how I MIGHT take it.  I don't want a sugar coat, I just want kindness.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Blood thinners, shots, and more shots

I forgot to update you... whoops

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It has been a tornado of a week.  We had our WTF appointment on Wednesday.  (I never knew that it was called that...but yeah it is.)  I think that it was the most nervous that I have been the entire time.  Because in the past our clinic has said... "well the embryos look good, but you can't make them implant."  Yeah that is awesome.  Such a great answer.  To be honest I was waiting for Dr. Garde so say that.  I was waiting for that bomb to drop.

That bomb NEVER dropped.  First of all she was really empathetic.  After being really nice and encouraging she let us ask our questions.  She wasn't talking over us, she wasn't not answering us.  She was listening and providing her recommendations and answers.  Dr. Garde is AMAZING. Dr. Garde believes that we have an implanting issue.  She said that our IVF was successful, but the transfer was not.  We basically told her that we wanted to try whatever,  without endangering my health.  

I asked first about and Endometrium Scratch.  They do them.  However, they do a biopsy of the cells that they scrape.  This takes some time.  We wouldn't be able to transfer until Jan or Feb.  They close for week in December for Christmas and the New year (one of the only times that they close.)  We want to transfer one more time this year, and because I couldn't talk to her right away, we got pushed back to December.  However, if this FET does not work, (she has every reason to believe that this time will result in a pregnancy, I want to be as hopeful as she is, I am getting there) then we can do the scratch.  We also asked about PGS testing.  This is a test to make sure that the embryos have the proper number of chromosomes.  This could be a reason for them not implanting.  Dr. Garde doesn't recommend this at this time.  Only because they have to unfreeze the Embryos, test them, refreeze them, and then un thaw them again at the time of transfer.  There is a possibility that even if they test normal that they may no make it through the process.  If we push to the new year, and do another IVF cycle, all the Embryos can be tested.  Before they are frozen, along with the one that is still frozen.  But, this pushes back everything.  So at this time we are not doing that.  

So what are we doing?  New meds.  As I said about Dr. Garde believes that we have an implantation problem.  When she recommends is doing a frozen transfer in December.  But, we are going all shots this time (thank the lord!!!) and we are changing things up a bit.  I am going to be on a blood thinner and a steroid to help my lining.    And Dr. Garde said while there is no data to back up these meds helping the Embryo implant, the have proof that for whatever reason the Embryos stick.  So I am gong to be torturing myself.  At one point I think I will be doing 4 shots in a day.  But, if it works, then it will be all worth it.  

I am nervous.  So many shots.  But, I will make it.  And I am greatful that we went to another clinic.  Because I feel so much better on that end.  They don't see me as a number.  They see me as someone who wants to have a baby.  And they seem like they are invested in this outcome.  Which I hope is the case, and I am not just seeing this with blinders on.  So for now I leave you with love and baby dust.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Bitch of the Week

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The Week after a BFN (Big. Fat. Negative or Big Fu*cking Negative) is pretty much the worst.  I am already upset a grumpy that this didn't work out, but it takes on an entirely different level.  Aunt Flo works her magic and there is the much added kicker that makes me just want to be an a**hole to whoever is around.  Sometimes it can be comical, but if you are in the live of fire it is never good.  And lets face it almost anyone can be in the line of fire... anyone.  You don't even have to talk to me and you can be in the fire. And I am not even good at the so called "resting bit*h face" but I can put on one.

I have realized that somewhere along the 16 years of being with Mischa (and then some for being his friend) I have adapted and learned his method of shutting down.  I allow the emotion for a little bit and then I shut if off.  I wouldn't say that I go back to "normal" but I try to go back to functioning.  Whatever that is...

There are some hard parts to IVF/Infertility/ Fertility...  The funny thing is, I thought that shots would be the hardest.  Honestly, I overcame that fear on our very first cycle, or maybe even before that when I was getting my blood drawn at the Ob's office.  I don't even think that the shots suck anymore.  they are just necessary.  So I do them and keep going.  The Egg retrieval doesn't even bother me.  The first time we had one I think that I stayed up all night.  After that... it was just something that had to be done.  The out come of the shots if you will.  The most stressful part to me is after the Eggs come out and the before they come back in... the growing of the Embryos.  You have so many come out, but only about half that make it.  And we have NEVER had so many make it than this time.  4 made it.  4.  Now we only have 2 left, but 4.  And then the hardest part is when you get the BFN.  

Even though I have been told that there is no reason that I shouldn't be pregnant I sit here still not pregnant.  And I sit here after the BFN and I think that there is still something wrong with me, as to why I can't get pregnant.  I think that it is natural to think this.  I'd like to think that I can get over this quickly.  But, it is pretty hard.  My mind won't settle, so it makes down time a little hard.  

When my mind is not going a million miles a minute it wants to break down.  I can't sit and read (even though it is one of my great joys...) because it allows my mind to slow and just focus on one thing.  I have a pile of books that I was supposed to read 2 years ago.  I just can't.  When I am driving in the car I have to make sure that the radio is on and I am focusing on it and where I am going, because if I stop my mind will allow the emotions to the front.  

So, to shut all of what my mind has stored in there I have been researching and googling and trying to find out where I can get a dog or puppy.  Crazy I know.  But when Ollie our cat was a baby he need cuddles and love and taught and my mind didn't think about things.  I wish that I could just defeat my thoughts. 

Being cranky this past week as been easy and settling.  Sometimes that is all it takes to be able to put 2 feet on the ground and keep on going.  Next week I will not be doing the whole bitch thing.  I'll be back to "normal" whatever that is.