Saturday, July 23, 2016

I'm a numbers person

I'm a numbers type of person, well sortof.  

I have a thing about numbers is more like it.  My favorite number is 3, and I try to find things that either divisible by 3, end up in 3, or are generally 3.  Now, that you know that let's move on.  Our first round of IVF, was not successful.  The meds and dosages didn't work well with my body.  After an unsuccessful IVF round the team comes together and discusses (without you) what can be done different.  So they completely changed what they did with me.  I have been on a med called Lupron for about a month now.  It has done the trick.  Last time I only had 6 eggs.  When they were fertilized, we were knocked down to 5.  When they began to grow only 4 survived.  Out of the 4, only 2 were viable.  There was nothing left to freeze, there was nothing, 2 was it.  And they didn't take.  

Now, we are looking at the very least 12 eggs.  That is double what we have last time.  But, there are 6 or 7 on the left side, and 6 on the right.  There is one that is a size 20 (at last check, which was today), and my smallest is about the size of my biggest last time, which was a 16.  The odds, or the numbers, seem to be in our favor.  

I have to say that I feel really good about it this time.  I saw Dr. Smith for most all of my appointments, and if you have been following my blog you know that she is my favorite.  She has a way of easing you, even if she has to tell you something bad.  And she also is very optimistic, she really thinks about you and will tell you if you need to change something to have better results.   I am hoping, being that she said "I'll see you Monday."  That she will be the one that takes my eggs.  But, you never really know.  Sometimes, the Dr. will say see you tomorrow and you won't actually see that Dr. the next day.

So, they are freezing my eggs this time.  All of them.  We are doing a frozen transfer.  And honestly I am not worried about it.  Even though, I don't really know how that is going to go.  Other than, the Dr's have said that they are going to wait for my body to do what it does naturally, not med induced.  That being said...

Hubs and I are only going to let some family know when we are doing the frozen transfer.  The reason being, I want to get back to some normal.  I want to be able to tell people, that we are pregnant (I'm still not pregnant yet, don't jump ahead), rather than them ask.  I know that a lot of people are going to continue to ask, it's okay.  I'm just not going to tell.  I hope that EVERYONE keeps that.  I will be REALLY upset if someone slips up.  Again, I have been open and honest, and I will continue to do that.  It is just I want something to be normal about this abnormal process.   

I am ready for Monday to be here, have you ever heard someone say that?  It will be the last time for a little while that I have to drive to UVA.  That drive is the most draining.  2 hours of driving for a 15 min or less appointment.  I am just ready for that part to be done.  My follies have also gotten big enough that I am cramping.  I feel like there is no space in my tummy for even food.  It is pretty tight, and shots really hurt cause my skin is tight, and there isn't much to pinch.  But the last one is tonight, and I have made it.  A month of sticks and I made it.  We filled up 3 sharps containers, from this cycle and the last and we made it.  

As I have said so many times, Thank you for any kind words, thoughts, prayers and love.  It goes a LONG way and I really appreciate it.  I couldn't do it without support.  I mean it.  Please continue to do so.  I will never ever say that I don't want any of that.  So, until next time; Love and Baby Dust!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016


So, I'm back to daily appointments, even though the RE Nurse said that I wouldn't be daily.  It's almost over, so I guess that I will be able to handle it.  I can say that this time around, I'm really tired.  A good night's sleep would be great, but being able to sleep in would be the icing on the cake.  

I had a pesky little cyst that seemed to be getting bigger.  Saying that I was worried would be an understatement.  But, today like magic it seemed to be gone.  And I was having some stomach cramps last night.  

I just keep telling myself that this is almost over.  They did give me the paperwork for the egg retrieval yesterday, and that is usually when things get close.  My biggest egg is a 13 and it needs to get to a 17.  I'm so hopeful.  These puppies need to grow, and then they need to do what they do outside my body.  

Last time we called my eggs our baby birds, birds lay eggs and then the eggs become birds.  I am still very attached to the birds concepts, with feathers and all.  I will not change that.  But, this time around we have decided that the eggs are puppies.  And this is because if you know me very well you know my love for dogs.  How, I always want another one.  So, the thought process, is if we call them puppies the we will have a 2 legged puppy.  (Do not contact me saying that you have a real 2 legged puppy that I need to adopt, I am actually talking about a human, and saying that it is a puppy.)  

On IVF round one, Abby our boxer was a nervous wreck.  We thought that were were panicked, but nothing could compare to her.  Boxer butt would destroy my house, she didn't sleep well, there were countless things that I could name that she would do.  This time we decided that she would be part of the process.  As long as she is good.  So Abby has become my shot buddy.  She lays on the bed and comforts me during the shots.  And you may think that it would be crazy, but it is actually nice having 70lbs of comfort to distract you.  There is much space left on my belly that has not been needle stabbed.  They are becoming painful.  So when she smothers my face with hers it is actually nice.  I think that she is pretending that I am her puppy.  The world will never know.  

I am so optimistic this time around.  I know that the main goal is a pregnancy, but I have another main goal.  Enough embryos that are viable and can be frozen.  They mean more tries and at less of the cost.  I still don't understand how this can cost so much and how insurance can provide so little.  Don't they know that 1 and 8 have some type of fertility issue?  I really think that that number should be higher, because I know several people (not just ones I have met on facebook or instagram) but real live people that have fertility issues.  Maybe it is just something that god or whoever knows that we will struggle with so he pulls us together?  I'm not sure.  But I know that I need you all.  Again I bid you love and baby dust.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

14 days on Lupron

14 shots in, and still more to come. As many of you know I have been on BCP since the day after we got back from FL.  They make me wonky and they help me to have no filter.  I had to take them until the 5th of July.  Then if the process goes, I am supposed to get another period.  (Ugg lets chalk that up to #2!! Puck you mother nature.)  I knew that it would take a few days, you can't stop your BCP and then magic happens.  But when Saturday rolled around, and "Aunt Flo" didn't rear her ugly head, I got concerned.  I called the Dr. but because it is not an emergency I had to wait until Monday to call.   Which let me just tell you that RE office's on a Monday are hell, and they DO not call you back.  Till the end of the day.  

So Tuesday I high tailed it down to UVA, with just barely any signs of "Aunt Flo."  Praying that I was dreaming and that this wasn't happening.  But, low and behold.  

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Dr. Smith; who is my favorite, I cannot tell you enough good things about her.  She is just the best.  Dr. Smith looks at my left ovary... 11 follicles!  YES!!!  Mind you by this time in my room, is me, the hubs, the nurse to take my blood, Nurse Bonnie, Dr. M (an intern assistant), and Dr. Smith.  I am a little overwhelmed with that amount of people looking at my lady parts.  But, whatever, I have 11 follies on one side; Happy Dance!!

And then Dr. Smith pans to the right side... and she goes there it is.  

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One of the reasons that I like Dr. Smith is because she doesn't sugar coat anything.  There is no quiet whispering between me and my hubs.  She doesn't just talk to my Hubs like Dr. Bateman does and she doesn't rush me like Dr. Williams.  And like all the oxygen has left my body, Dr. Smith pans the synogram screen towards me, and says there is the reason that you are not having a period.  A 15 in size cyst.  Damnit.  But then, like that magic that she is and the happiness that she holds she and Nurse Bonnie decided that they need to exam my uterus and notice that I have a thin lining, which that I think that Nurse Bonnie is gonna jump for joy over.   And Dr. Smith says that it is beautiful.  Dr. Smith pans back to my right ovary and counts that I have 7 follicles.  17 total.  I can feel the air coming back to me.   Dr. Smith explains, which I am so glad that the Hubs is paying attention, that if the cyst is not estrogen producing then we can proceed as planned.  However, if it is producing estrogen I have to stop the shots, wait to cycle out and start again.  Ugg, sent home to wait for a phone call.  Or better yet, sent to work to wait for a phone call.

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When the RE's have good news or something that they want you to do right away, I generally get a call at about 1pm, sometimes 11am if I have been there by 8am.  However, when they have bad news, they wait all day long.  When we found out that we lost our baby birds, they waited until 2pm; our appointment was at 830 that day.  Finally she called me at about 430... my level was 42.  Everything could move forward as planned.  Thank you!!!!

I have to say in IVF, it is a roller coaster, you are never out of the woods, there is always something that can come up.  You just think that you will be able to grow your follies, and then have them taken from you, and then returned back to you.  It isn't that simple.  No cycle is ever the same.  Your body can be in a different place with another cycle.  I am trying to relax and not stress, but some of that cannot be helped.  It's easy to say to be happy, it is much different to actually be happy.  

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You also have to teach yourself to be humble.  You have to realize that you have to watch all your friends become parents and realize that you will be the older parent.  You have to hug your furbabies and be thankful that they are easy to come by, but realized that you don't live on a farm, so you can't have a dozen furbabies.  You give up a lot.  You have to fund your baby making, and so you give up going out to eat, or going to the movies, or buying clothes or whatever.  You wish you would have saved.  But, you really didn't know that you would need it.  And then people begin telling you what to do, how to get pregnant, how to spend your money, how you are wasting it, how you don't need this and that.  And you don't have a filter because you are on all these crazy drugs, and they just keep pushing you and you aren't sure where your limits fall.  Or you just want to come in and do your work and think about work things, but someone just keeps fueling your fire and you are not sure how much of it you can handle.  And you hope beyond hope that you can keep your mouth shut until you can get in your car at the end of the day.  But, it never ends up that way.  And you just want to spend a day on the couch curled up with you pups, and you don't want any of the phones to ring and you just want to get through your show without some reference to babies.  You try to be happy and positive and then it all changes, cause you just don't know how far you can take it.  But, you know that the end result will be the most amazing thing in the world and you just have to bite your tongue and hope that you can get there without having a major melt down.  So, until Monday when my next appointment comes.... Love and Baby Dust!

Saturday, July 9, 2016

One week update!

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I wanted to give you an update on my week with Lupron.  And Lord, I feel like I have been on it much longer than a week.  So, unlike most people I have not had any hot flashes.  But, I do really want to eat a plate full of french fries every single day.  I haven't, but I do want to.  Speaking of food and such.  I have not done well on a gluten/dairy free diet.  I tried really hard, I got sick and have since tried to limit both, but have not cut them out completely.  On Tuesday of this week, which happened to be my grandma's 70th birthday, I got food poisoning.  Let me tell you , that it is not fun AT all.  I still had to do my shots, and do my IVF thing.  But, doing it with no food coming in really really sucks!!  

I gave myself my very first shot.  My hubs didn't want to get out of bed, and so I did it.  I thought that I could do it again after one time.  I have not been able to repeat the process.  Also, some notes on shots:  Wake your husband up fully before administering the shot, otherwise he will play darts on your belly and you will bleed and bruise.  Also eventually you are going to run out of good space to place a needle, you may need to move over just a bit.  Oh and keep track of which side you are on.  Such as, odd days left side; even days right side.  We have lost count and just hope for the best.  

I lasted the 14 days on BCP.  I don't really know how I did.  I wanted to punch people most days.  It is hard to keep an even temperament on those devil pills. You would think that people would learn that you can't keep it together and so they would stop trying.  They don't.  On Lupron I just feel like a mess.  The shots make me sleepy, I don't have much energy.  And it doesn't take much to make me say that I need some sleep.  I have been falling asleep early and waking in the middle of the night.  And no I am not well rested.  


I feel much like Aurora in Sleeping Beauty, pretty much in a slumber filled coma, in which I wake from daily.  But, the end result is something that I want very much, I just have to get there. 

IVF round 2 has been nothing short than another emotional roller coaster; not that I thought that it would be different.   I'm just very hopeful that this one will turn out much different.  

It is hard for me to put on a brave face daily and just face life.  Sometimes when people ask me, I just don't want to talk about it.  And sometimes when people ask me I just say it all.  I have no problem telling my story, but sometimes I am just done telling it.  Like I want this chapter in the book to be over.  I want a new fresh page.  Then, I think, well I am lucky that I have a chapter to write.  And this is a part of me.  Fertility is a thing.  So many couples go through it.  My tiredness is getting to me, so I am going to go have a snack and lay down for a nap.  Love and Baby dust.