Monday, August 31, 2015

"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"

There is nothing like a song to remind you to stay grounded.  To listen and sing at the top of your lungs.  To take deep breaths, to still your mind.  To think of something other than what is right in front of you...

Then there are songs that remind you to work through it all.  Sometimes you have to face something hard and come out on the otherside, to know what you are made of.  You don't have to come out on top, you don't have to win everything.  You just have to know that you survived.  

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down

Boy have I been in the middle of that storm.  Currently waiting to get to the other side of it.  I'm nervous to take whatever that next step is.  And now I don't need someone to tell me to take it.  I am going to take it.  I just need a little time to adjust.  I feel like every day is a reminder.  I don't need someone to remind me of what I am reminding.  I don't need someone to tell me.  Please stop telling me I am begging you.  I get frustrated at the constant.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy my puppies and my life and not remind.  I put myself on this freakish time line, and I have been wanting to get off of it for sometime now.  I can't get off of it if you are always reminding me!!!

The silver lining:

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away

Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

This shit storm, this cluster fuck... is going to end.  In due timing.  Yeah, I curse like a sailor at times.  Sometimes it is the only thing I have.  Sometimes I just pray and hope that all this sailor verbage is not going to send me straight to hell.  But other times it feels so good to say it.  Weather it is in the middle of a restaurant or writing it down.  But, this all will end.  I will be set free.  This will just be a memory, but in my book of life this will be the biggest.  

The confidence booster:

 So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
And walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

You have to look for it.  It's there.  Somewhere, someone is listening to what you have to say.  They are feeling it to.  Find them, make friends, and when you need someone reach out to them.  Weather it be family, or just a friend do it.  You will feel better.  Hold on to the fact that it is still your struggle, but be confident that they can help you through it.  They can love you through it.  And they might not remind you on a daily basis that you are going through it.  Remember what I said, stop it.  It hurts.  I remember, stop reminding me.

And then it tells you that you are going to make it to the other side:

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free
You are going to survive this.  You will be free.  If you could tell yourself at 14 that this would all happen.  Don't date that boy, he isn't good for you.  Listen to a friend, when he said that the one boy you really like really likes you too.  Would you do it all different?  Would you make the same journey?  I would tell 14 year old me not to date that first high school boy.  I would tell 14 year old me to run away from him.  I would tell 14 year old me that when you met your future husband to not be so intense with that 15 boy.  That he really likes you, don't push him.  Just let him know that you like him, so that he doesn't make the chase so hard later.  That every step you are going to take with him is worth it.  That when you are sitting down at your computer typing away in your nerdy glasses and he is playing video games that that is bliss, don't take it for granted.  He is going to have struggles too and you are going to have to be a rock to him.  Don't be so hard on him.  He needs you to be soft too.  That sometimes he needs to be a pain in your butt so that you know that he loves you.  That that 14 year old girl would go to college and love it.  That she would miss home, but she would want to be at school too.  That even though she dreamed of being a teacher that life had other plans and you have to be okay with it.  That you would marry the boy who is your best friend, and you would carry his friendship forever.  That it is okay that you view the world that everyone has a chance and that everyone has good, and to not stop believing that in your 20's even though you are going to.  

It's so sad that you can't time travel and talk to yourself when you are younger.  But, it really might change a lot of things.  Some things you might really like.  Some memories you could forget.  Hold on tight, enjoy the ride.  You are going to make it to the other side.  You don't need to be famous or post 1000 selfies to make your dreams come true.  You need to be real and you need to be honest and you need to show people what you are really made of.  Be your self, and don't stop dreaming.  Life is nothing but a dream.

Winnie the Pooh says it best:

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

When it's not your story to tell

Sometimes I forget that I am telling the world "our" story.  

I understand that you may have read my last blog post, I really hope that I am helping you in whatever you are going through.  However, I had to delete it.  I told too much for the comfort of my Hubbz and he was not a happy camper.  I don't want anyone to be upset about it.  And again I know that you may have read it, but I should have told him what I was doing before I did it.  I can never say sorry enough.

We are struggling, not in our marriage, not with our money, not in our lives.  We are struggling to have a baby.  Many couples go through really hard times.  I cannot compare to them.  I don't want to do that either.  But for us this is really hard.  Honestly we don't know what to do.  (I just want to THANK everyone for any suggestions that you have given me!!)  We are actively pursuing a fertility specialist, but we don't know what to expect.  We are also trying to keep things open for adoption.  And there is always the chance to make our fur baby crew bigger.  

But I should have been more private towards my husband in my last post.  I am willing to share all of me with you.  He is not willing to share and I am okay with that.  So please don't hate.  Just take it as my mistake.  And we will move on form here!!!