Friday, January 22, 2016

Embryo's, lets learn.

Image result for human Embryos

(These are NOT my embryo's this just gives you an idea of what they look like, for reference only.)


new organism in the earliest stage of development. In humans this is defined as the developing organism from the fourth dayday after fertilization to the end of the eighth week.

(By definition, and not the best one that I could find.)

This is in no way a political blog, or something to go into where human life begins.  This is not about abortion or anything of that nature.  This is just my thoughts, (maybe some facts) on a snow day, where I have become tired of binge watching my show at the moment and I am nervous as hell about everything that I have been doing during the IVF process, and simple things are getting on my last nerve.  

First off...

Those little Embryo's are tiny, they cannot been seen with the human eye.  Think about this, can you see sperm?  When you ovulate, can you see the egg that you have lost in your vaginal secretions?  If you are answering yes, then I would really like to find out how your vision got so good, and what you are taking for that, because there is no way that that is possible.  So when you combine the two, you will not be able to see them.  Which makes this process all the more scary, because if you can't see them, then I have to sit here and play a waiting game to know if the embryo is still in my body.  I'm a wreck, I don't want to answer people's questions about it.  I don't want to even really talk about it.  I would really love to go back to my normal day in and day out routine, but I can't.  I would feel a hell of a lot better if I could get in the kitchen and cook, but I am scared to do that.  I am scared to be on my feet too much, I am scared to move too much, or stress myself out too much.  My life is not normal right now, and so my mind has too much damn time to come up with things.  To literally freak myself out over this.  I'm moody, and needy, and I just want to curl up with a good book, but I haven't been able to relax my mind enough to do so.

My ass hurts.  I have to get a shot daily in my bum and it hurts.  It is not something to laugh at.  And I am so tired of people telling me that this is all worth it.  That is really not a supportive thing to say to me anymore.  
This is how it goes: first they give me antibiotics that make me break out and feel like utter and complete shit.  In addition to that, I have to put a vaginal gel, up my vaginia nightly for 5 days, and the combination of that puts hives all over my body.  During this time, they add birth control into the mix.  Mind you by this point in time I have already had 2 internal sonograms.  Then you go back, they take your blood for the 3rd time, another internal sonogram, and then they tell you to stop taking your birth control.  We all know what that means... then I am on my period, in which I just stopped, so they started my cycle all over again.  Then the belly shots come.  Which to be honest, I prefer.  They weren't that bad.  However after those start, I have to go in daily for a blood test and more internal sonograms, oh and I have a bruise on my arm, so I only now have one arm left to get blood from.  Then shot number 2 comes, which I have a horrible reaction to.  Luckily that only lasted for 2 nights and then I was on to my trigger shot.  By this time my stomach is bruised.  And then all I keep hearing is "how much this is all worth it."  Don't you think I know that?  I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think that it was worth it.  My one of my biggest fears is having a shot, so I am pretty sure that I know how worth it is.  Then they take my eggs.  Luckily, I get to be sedated when this happens.  But then I start yet another shot, the one that makes my but hurt.  There is no other spot on my bum that my hubz can give me a shot, and if you have ever had to give yourself a shot, think about what would happen if you had to do it in the same spot.  You would be sore.  I am sore.  Think god I can get up and move because I am in less pain, but my ass hurts.  Like a lot, and yes it is worth it.  Stop telling me.

I don't have any pregnancy symptoms.  I am hopeful that this works, but you have to think about it this way.  Those little things are still not big enough to see.  This is a part of a "normal pregnancy" where a woman would not know if she is pregnant.  She would go on her day to day life and not notice anything.  This is no different.  There is no magic thing that says that I am pregnant, or that my embryo has attached to me.  I have to wait.  And I don't like waiting for anything.  I look at calendars, and count down the days until I get to know.  I also look and see how many more days, I have to have a shot in the ass.  I pray, or lord I pray.  Sometimes I pray that I don't need to talk all day.  Sometimes I pray that I don't have to answer questions.  Sometimes I just pray that this will all work out.  I am going out of my mind.  I would love to really just sleep until I get to know.  

People don't understand a lot of this IVF process and I know, I get that.  But, this is all new for me.  I'm not withholding any information.  There are a lot of unknowns.  I'd love to have all the answers, to know it all but I just don't.  This is all new to me.  Sometimes, I just wish that I hadn't told anyone about it.  That only family knew.  But I needed to talk about all of this, so this was the way to do it.  

"Please be steady, my beating heart."

Monday, January 4, 2016

Having a melt down

Yeah, I did that on Sunday.  I knew that it was coming.  I just didn't know how it would come out.  I'm just glad it was a mini one and not full blow, crying for an hour or more and not knowing how to change it.  I love my 50/60lb boxer, for 3 years she has been my baby.  Like more than our other dogs she is our child.  Yesterday morning I woke up before the hubby and let the pups outside, it was cold and when they came back in, Abby (our boxer) wanted to cuddle with me on the couch.  We allow her to get on the couch, we don't mind her on the furniture, but she stepped on my leg when she came up and it hurt.  So then I began to panic, how am I going to keep her off of me when I have had a dozen or so needle sticks on my and I have to be on bed rest for 3 days?  I just started crying, mainly because the only solution that I came up with was, that I would have to spank her.  Then I cried more, I don't wanna spank her all the time.  Lucky, Hubby came down stairs about that time and we could have a cuddle session.  I'm sure that people think that I'm crazy, but she is just as much a part of my life that any child would be.  I know that she is worried, she can sense what is going on with me.  

Part of this blog post, is telling you that I had the meltdown.  The other part is letting you know that it is okay to do that.  Mental health is real.  Sometimes, you have to let it go.  I know that it is different for everyone, but take it from me, it's really okay to say that you need help.  For me, my mind goes in a million different directions, and either I can't keep up with it or I can't figure out which one to focus on, or I can't control the situation.  If I can't control it, I really lose it.  I know that it really sounds silly to not be able to control things, but it is more big things that set me into a tail spin.  And IVF is one of them.  There is no control.  I cannot pick anything.  I have to hope for the best.  I know that having a baby is much like that, but there is so much more in that.  In IVF you have to have blood test, you have to have a doctor tell you that you are proceeding in the right direction with your medication or you need to change it.  They will call you and say you are ready to go, you don't get to pick that.  I'd love to be able to call them and be like please take my eggs today, and I'd love you to put them back in on Saturday, when I don't have to work.  Oh wait, I have to work on Saturday, so let's change that to Sunday. I can't do that :( .  

I think that everything is a lesson, but I don't know that this is a lesson about control.  I think that this is more a lesson at overcoming my fears.  (Except the dark, yeah that one is staying).  Oh and I still think that hospitals are the most disgusting things in the world, but I don't know if that is a fear or just a thought.  But, I'm not so scared of needles anymore, I can get my blood taken and no one has to come with me.  I allowed my husband to give me a shot last night, and I only freaked out for 5 mins before hand.  I have a come a long way.  This journey is almost over.  And I am thankful.  You have to be thankful.  I'm sure that this doesn't clear up anything for you.  But sometimes it is nice just to let it out for me.