Saturday, January 31, 2015

That Song on the Radio....

I have loved music for as long as I can remember, I am the "dashboard drummer," my steering wheel is my microphone.  There have only been two songs that has instantly brought me to tear; "If you get there before I do" by Collin Raye.  There are times when I cannot listen to it.  The second song  is "Cowgirls don't cry" by Brooks and Dunn.  If either song comes on the radio, I will change the channel.  Both for a sad reason; "If you get there before I do" reminds me of my great grandma, to this day I do not know why.  The song was a hit before she died, the song to my recollection, did not play on the radio when we were going to the hospital when she died, or the WV when we took her to the cemetery.  From time to time, I do listen to it.  I will sing along with tears in my eyes, and then look to the sky and tell Granny Grimm that I am thinking of her too.  My lead foot doesn't usually get the best of me during that song, maybe it is a way of getting me to slow down.  "Cowgirls don't cry" is an entirely different situation, as I was driving home from school to try and say my last goodbye to my granddaddy, the song played before I got a hold of anyone to know that he had passes.  It also played 10 times on different stations, until I got home.  I kept track and I skipped it every time.  I only heard that song 1 time that day, before I knew that he passed.  That song makes me cry.  I don't often play it.  If I do, I really have to stop the car.  

I now have a third song that makes me cry.  I listen to this one all the way through.  It's called "Mom" by Garth Brooks.  It's about a baby that is scared to come down because God is already taking such good care of him (they use him in the general term, not as in a boy).  This is a hard song.  

My hubby doesn't believe the way I do, there are times when I get really really bothered by it.  I am accepting to the fact that he sees things different from me.  I have to admit as a crazy young 20 something my faith wavered a few times.  As a preteen when my great grandma died, my faith was really tested.  God, didn't answer my prayers and I was angry.  I have always had faith though, I am not the Duggar type believer, (if you don't know who the Duggar's are, they are the crazy religious family that has 19 kids, and will not stop having them until either God intervenes or it is medically unsafe.  They have stopped having kids and are on to grandkids now.  I have always liked that show, because I thought that it was brave of them to come on tv and show their beliefs and get criticized for it.  If only everyone was that brave.) and I am not really the type that goes to church every Sunday, though if I found the right church I would probably attend, (please DON'T leave me comments about how great your church is and that I should come, it would be hard for me to do so.  I'm just not looking to join a church right now.) I am more of the person that believes that there is someone out there that knows more about your life than you do, and has some things planned out for you, you just have to choose that route.  Getting back to the Hubby and I, I sometimes believe that God is punishing me for the Hubby not believing.  I hope that he doesn't work that way.  But, sometimes I feel that way.  My Hubby is not a horrible person, he is really passionate about how he feels about things, he is kind to people and animals, I would not trade him for anything or anyone.  Sometimes, I just want him to believe, and pray with me.  But, I cannot make him and I have to be okay with that, and I am.  

My journey is not easy, I take it day by day.  Some days I am really okay, some days I am really lying when I say that I am okay.  I do know which days those are, and I really try to stay positive.  It is really hard for me to be around women that are pregnant, I have bump envy, (is that a really thing???) I look at them and think, "Why them, why  not me?" (another song "Why not me" by The Judds, great song!).  I also get extremely irritated with people who complain about their kids, okay I get it, it's not all roses and sunshine.... but when you complain all the time.  What did you expect?  Are you basing your kids on someone elses?  I'm sure that you are not seeing the full picture.  Also, I really don't like when people ask if the Hubby and I are okay, he is totally fine.  Sure, some of this is hard on him, but mainly it is hard on me.  He isn't bothered by a bump that walks by him, he doesn't have many female friends on facebook, and I really think that he doesn't pay attention to all that.  Which is fine, and makes him okay.  But, me not so much.  Ladies at work as me all the time, and I have been reluctant to share, I have told one person, as far as I know she hasn't shared.  So, I am going to end this blog with the song lyrics to "Mom," please enjoy and try not to cry.

Mom Lyrics

Music Video
"Mom" was written by Sampson, Don / Varble, Wynn.
Little baby told God, hey I'm kind of scared.
Don't really know if I want to go down there.
From here it looks like a little blue ball
That's a great big place and I'm so small.
Why can't I just, stay here with you?
Did I make you mad, don't you want me too?
God said oh child, of course I do
But there's somebody special waiting for you
So hush now baby, don't you cry
'Cause there's someone down there waiting whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel tender, tough and strong
It's almost time to go and meet your mom.
You'll never have a better friend
Or a warmer touch to tuck you in
She'll kiss your bruises, your bumps and scrapes
And anytime you hurt
Her heart's gonna break
So hush now baby, don't you cry
'Cause there's someone down there waiting whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel tender, tough and strong
It's almost time to go and meet your mom.
And when she's talking to you make sure you listen close
'Cause she's gonna teach you everything you'll ever need to know
Like how to mind your manners, to love and laugh and dream
She'll put you on the path that bring you back to me
So, hush now little baby, don't you cry
'Cause there's someone down there waiting whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel tender, tough and strong
Come on child it's time, to meet your mom
Published by
Lyrics © EMI Music Publishing, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Read more: Garth Brooks - Mom Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Living the dream, at least I hope so

What a crazy couple of days it has been, but all in a good way.  You see I always set goals for myself, and once I obtain them I am really shocked.  The biggest goal/dream has been to be a teacher.  In many posts past I have talked about how much it has been a part of my life.  As far back as I can remember I wanted to be a teacher.  Everyone had to play school with me.  I was the kid that would be excited to go to school, (still loved my snow days and wasn't the easiest to get up in the morning.)  I had a kit of school supplies, Im sure that it is around somewhere.  

I thought that my last job would help me with that dream.  It seemed possible several times.  And then it was one closed door after another, I managed to crawl through the window, just to have the next opportunity given to someone else, or to say that I wasn't qualified.  Every year when the school year would start, I would have to wait for full time work.  I was told over and over to just work all the hours with your afternoon cases, which was difficult because it was a constant struggle to get them to meet up with me.  I found some odd jobs to do now and again.  I would sell my Scentsy ( and then try and float.  This last time I did the longest floating stint I could, and then enough was enough.  It was coming on Christmas time and it was just stressful.  To be denied work from August to December, it was enough.  I left.  Yes!  Finally free.  I no longer had to worry about if I would have another client or steady work.  Not only did I leave I found another job.  A better job, yes I took a little bit of a pay cut.  But in the end it is worth it.

I work at a preschool now, part of what I originally imaged for myself all my life.  I love it.  There isn't a day that goes by that I am not grateful that I work there.  I have only been there a month and I have my own classroom.  I will be with the 16-24 months, doing childcare and preschool.  Im so excited.  I think that is looking better and better every day.  I just really hope that some other things in my life come together and I can blog about happy I am about that!  

What I have learned is to not take no for an answer, and NEVER give up on what you dream is, no matter how old you are.  You can pursue it, you can do it.  Just keep dreaming, keep swimming, and keep moving forward!

Monday, January 19, 2015

Testing, Testing, 1. 2. 3. I'm tired of this

Another year has come and gone, (if you are counting for months wise we are almost out of the running to have a baby in 2015 too.) and the holidays are now over.  I have never been so thankful to see Christmas come and go, mainly go.  I was not in the spirit for it this year.  I didn't have lots of money, and I didn't have a little person so it made them so not fun.

Have you ever thought about what life would be like when you neared 30?  I'm sure that you have.  I am sure that it looked a lot different that you imagined it.  I am sure that you dream it differently.  I for one have dreamed it much different.  Some of it is the same, but some of it is not.

What's the same... Married, Puppies, house, car, freinds.

What's different...

Career: I thought that I would be a teacher by now.  As my current career move will allow me to do so, I am no longer so far off.  How far can this job take me?  Im not sure.  But I am willing to go as far as I need to.  

Where I live: So I dreamed that I would live some place where we get a lot of snow.  I love snow.  I love the beach.  So I guess that VA is an okay place to be because we have snow, I'd just like some more.

Babies: Yep, thought that I would have at least one by now.  And I really thought that this entire process would be easier.  In being a human pin cushion I am able to get a blood draw on my own, without the hubby.  I no longer have as much anxiety about going to the dr, because I pretty much know that when I go there they are going to stick me.  

I just wish that I had an answer.  I feel like this is taking too much time.  I understand that I have this process that I have to follow, but honestly I don't know how much more of this "process" I can take.  The result is the same.  If this time doesn't work guess what I get??  More testing....  oh and the hubby gets to go get some testing done.  This is insane.  I am going crazy.  I try so hard not to think about it every waking second.  There are so many people pregnant at my daycare that I am wishing that there is something in the water.  I try not to give them weird glances.  And I am with kids all day so that is hard.  Honestly I just want another dog.  I know that I can have that, and I don't have to try and be tested and pray that it will work.  I can just find one and love it and squeeze it.  

Yeah it is just hard.  Wish me some more luck.  And here is to turing 30!