Wednesday, September 21, 2016

The hardest thing about....

The hardest thing about infertility/IVF isn't the waiting game, even though that is torture.  The hardest part is maintaining friendships with people.  It is almost like every one becomes a battleground.  

In relationships you can play so many roles.  Usually in them you as one person play one role.  Unless you are married or related to that person, then you can play them all.  Your friends will stick you in one role, sometimes you don't know it, other times you are good at it and you feel it all the time.  I can honestly say, that I do not play the role of support.  Generally when someone sticks me in the role, I fail at it miserably.  I can empathize with what you are going through, and I can be dependable, but I find it hard to be supportive.  I generally seek out people who will support me, due to that fact that I am not good at this role.  If there was a such role as being honest, then I fit right in.  Sometimes I just say it.  I have heard it many times from many different people.  My hubs college roommate would tell me all the time that I am brutal, and often times he didn't want to talk to me because I would just tell him how it is.  (Mind you he was kind of a dick, he thought that he was crazy funny and always right, and he just sucked all the fun out of the room sometimes.  I couldn't keep up, because sometimes he would just frustrate me.)

Getting back to the original topic.  During this process you want to find friends that support you.  You see if you have a friend that is going through this, it is pretty hard to be there.  If you and a friend are going through this together it can really bring you closer.  But, it can also drive a wedge through you.  The thing is people have expectations of you, and one in your moment of weakness or struggle you can't live up to it people want to exit your live almost as quick as they came into your life.  You tell your friends that you are going to blog about your journey, and that could mean at some point they will be a part of it.  So they stop talking you.  The truth is that you don't know how to not blog about people.  And you don't know how to stop blogging about babies and not having them once you start.  

I think that it is funny that people don't talk to me because they don't want to be a part of my blog.  I also think that it is funny that people have this revolving friendship with me, and they keep walking in and out of my life.  In the words of Meredith Grey, "We see a path and we take it.... even if we have no idea where we are going."  I ran down this path.  It was a hard path to pick.  I mean I have to subject myself to many things, needles being one of them, tons of meds being another.  NEITHER ONE I like.  I have to subject myself to waiting games, and not knowing what is going on in my body or around it.  Yeah it sounds like a shit ton of fun.  Anyways.  

Friendships are hard to maintain during this time.  Mainly because any relationship takes work, and I'm married and working on making a baby and so those also take work.  Plus, I have a job, so that leaves not much more room for me to keep working.  I want so much to keep my friendships.  But, I also have learned that sometimes I cannot do it all.  I am not super woman.  I am just a girl that has a lot of opinions, who writes them down, and hopes that I am not talking in circles all the time, and that you will follow my blog.  So, for now I wish you love and baby dust.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

This may contain tears:

Since we have started this IVF session, I have tried not to think about the last one.  But, to the best of my ability I have not been very successful this last month.  But, I have been very quiet about it.  

Today, really got me.  Because it is almost the end of September, and October would have been when we were due.  I also really want to be normal.  I just want to get pregnant.  More than that I wanted our first embryos.  I have to try and look past that, and think that God had not meant them for me.  

I am sitting here trying to find the words to write.  I am pretty stumped.  I have a ton of emotions.  People post about being pregnant and I feel joy for them, but I am always like, why not me.  I just feel that the years are passing bye, and I can't make them stop.  I want more than ever for them to slow down.  I wish I had that power.  I also wish that I could just make this IVF work.  Oh vey.

I want every single shot to be one step closer to our baby.  But, I have to be honest with myself, that they may not be.  In my heart I feel like this is my time.  They found out that I have fluctuating thyroid had I have had to go on meds for that.  If I were not doing IVF and not on and off birth control so much, it wouldn't be a big deal.  But because it was slightly elevated it could cause me to miscarry, so on the meds I go.  Also everything else has been going good, my lining is where it should be.   I just have to find out if my hormones are in the right place.  Please God, let it be so.  

I hope that I am not writing the same thing over and over.  I feel like my mind is consumed on this, especially at a time when all I wanna do is think about Halloween and do Halloween stuff.  I also just want to be a hermit.  I would like to spend the next 2 months under blankets, taking a shower every other day or so and binge watching a ton of shows.  Since I can't do any of that, I guess I will just try and be as normal as I can be.  

I currently do not have a plan "b" and this should shock every one of you because I always have another plan.  I am quick to make the next plan.  I think it out and I finally arrive at it.  I do not have one this time.  I don't know if I will know how to pick myself back up this time around and move on.  I am also hoping beyond hope that I will not have to.  I know that if I think positive then it will be positive.  But, I am beyond scared and nervous and I just want to skip a head.  In the world of IVF there are several 2 weeks waits.  It has been classically coined TWW.  Why they pick 2 weeks, I really don't understand or know.  But, it is what it is.  And it is the biggest annoyance that I have to deal with.  Besides being on meds that my body doesn't like any more.  I have been been breaking out.  But, I cannot take anything for it.  I just have to deal.  

I am sorry that I sound like a whiner, but I cannot help it.  I am ready for the next step and I am also ready for it to be over.  For now I wish you love and baby dust.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

The little things....

So this post isn't about IVF per say.  It is more about infertility.  There are many things that happen during this process.  You think that you know and really you just don't.  I don't want to call out anyone that is on this journey.  I really hope that I am not in this post.  I am so glad that many of you are reaching out to me.  I want you to know that I am here for you, in whatever way.  If it is someone to lean on, I'm here.  If you need to talk to me once and not again, that is fine too.  Know that I will not give up on you.  

Any ways...  Recently there has been a great deal of hate in the infertility world.  

 Image result for sunshine and butterflies

To be fair, no one said that it was going to be sunshine and butterflies.  We all know this, this is the risk that we take.  However, when you decide that you want to be apart of the story when you want to be in that community.  When you finally get the courage to share, you want to be embraced by others in this community.  I'm not really sure how it happened.  I am not sure where these ladies come from.  But, really if you are reading this, and you are going to hate on this, STOP.  Stop right now.  

Not one of us, not a single one are not struggling.  The process of infertility is a struggle.  Some of them are different.  Some are in phase where you just don't want to face life, and others are just in this happy place because they have success.  (In case you are curious, I am in this middle phase where I don't know what to feel and I really can't handle being around babies.  Anyone under the age of 3 is just hard for me.  And I have tried really hard... but for lack of a better phrase "The Struggle is REAL.")  But, I don't care who you are, I don't care where you are in this, I don't want the hate.  

We should not be telling each other how to feel, or that we should stop acting one way.  This is not a time for you word vomit to present itself.  This is also not a time to tell someone how you got pregnant.  Once you get to the other side, you don't get to turn.  You don't get to not be supportive.  You walked into this.  You don't get to leave.  
Image result for Lean on me
We all know that women can be down right mean, catty, and evil; among other things.  But, I am really saddened by some things that I have seen recently.  

I have learned that this journey will make you lose some friends.  When I was keeping this all in, I got so angry that I would just say things.  I also forgot to take care of myself.  I forgot things that I needed to be a decent human being.  To not go ape shit crazy on people.  I tried to make amends, I tried to forgive, I tried to let myself be forgiving, I took the blame.  But, what happens is people get mad and they move on.  It is hard, I hated it, I still hate it.  I wish that I could fix it, but somethings are impossible to fix.

You will offend, piss off, and hurt EVERYONE!!!!  Sometimes you can help it, and sometimes you can't.  Sometimes people think that you are talking about them and you aren't.  Sometimes you are just talking, and sometimes you really mean it.  It is hard, because if you keep it bottled in, it will be worse than if you just say it.  You don't know what to do with yourself and that is the truth.  You say sorry so many times.  Keep saying it, try not to be offensive, just try to be honest.

I cannot say this enough but, find something that makes you really happy.  Like not just a little bit happy, and talking over the moon over joyed happy.  Do it.  Do it a lot.  Because there are going to be many times when you don't know if you can keep going, and there are going to be times when you think if you have to take one more pill, get one more needle stick, or have to see one more pregnancy announcement that isn't yours, you might just drive somewhere and NEVER come back.  You need that happy.  You need to do that happy, trust me on this.

Sometimes people will walk out of your life.  You won't know why, you won't know when.  But you have to let them.  You cannot make the move to stop them, you have to just let them be.  I understand that this sounds crazy.  However, you will wear yourself out chasing after them.  And you need to keep yourself rested.  I know that if you are just starting your journey and you are reading this, that this will be hard.  But, really trust me.  Let them walk away.  You are going to find out everything.  Who your true friends are, who in your family loves you.  If you have ever doubted anything, you will learn.  

You will also become closer to your spouse or partner.  But the thing is, if you are not married to that person, I am not sure why you are partaking in such a big thing.  It is a hard thing that you will go through.  But, that person, is who you choose to do it with.  Keep choosing them.

I guess that I am just full of advice right now.  I'm not sure.  But, I know that they hate hast to stop.  The encouragement needs to keep on going.  Don't forget that.  Love and Baby Dust.