Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Blood thinners, shots, and more shots

I forgot to update you... whoops

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It has been a tornado of a week.  We had our WTF appointment on Wednesday.  (I never knew that it was called that...but yeah it is.)  I think that it was the most nervous that I have been the entire time.  Because in the past our clinic has said... "well the embryos look good, but you can't make them implant."  Yeah that is awesome.  Such a great answer.  To be honest I was waiting for Dr. Garde so say that.  I was waiting for that bomb to drop.

That bomb NEVER dropped.  First of all she was really empathetic.  After being really nice and encouraging she let us ask our questions.  She wasn't talking over us, she wasn't not answering us.  She was listening and providing her recommendations and answers.  Dr. Garde is AMAZING. Dr. Garde believes that we have an implanting issue.  She said that our IVF was successful, but the transfer was not.  We basically told her that we wanted to try whatever,  without endangering my health.  

I asked first about and Endometrium Scratch.  They do them.  However, they do a biopsy of the cells that they scrape.  This takes some time.  We wouldn't be able to transfer until Jan or Feb.  They close for week in December for Christmas and the New year (one of the only times that they close.)  We want to transfer one more time this year, and because I couldn't talk to her right away, we got pushed back to December.  However, if this FET does not work, (she has every reason to believe that this time will result in a pregnancy, I want to be as hopeful as she is, I am getting there) then we can do the scratch.  We also asked about PGS testing.  This is a test to make sure that the embryos have the proper number of chromosomes.  This could be a reason for them not implanting.  Dr. Garde doesn't recommend this at this time.  Only because they have to unfreeze the Embryos, test them, refreeze them, and then un thaw them again at the time of transfer.  There is a possibility that even if they test normal that they may no make it through the process.  If we push to the new year, and do another IVF cycle, all the Embryos can be tested.  Before they are frozen, along with the one that is still frozen.  But, this pushes back everything.  So at this time we are not doing that.  

So what are we doing?  New meds.  As I said about Dr. Garde believes that we have an implantation problem.  When she recommends is doing a frozen transfer in December.  But, we are going all shots this time (thank the lord!!!) and we are changing things up a bit.  I am going to be on a blood thinner and a steroid to help my lining.    And Dr. Garde said while there is no data to back up these meds helping the Embryo implant, the have proof that for whatever reason the Embryos stick.  So I am gong to be torturing myself.  At one point I think I will be doing 4 shots in a day.  But, if it works, then it will be all worth it.  

I am nervous.  So many shots.  But, I will make it.  And I am greatful that we went to another clinic.  Because I feel so much better on that end.  They don't see me as a number.  They see me as someone who wants to have a baby.  And they seem like they are invested in this outcome.  Which I hope is the case, and I am not just seeing this with blinders on.  So for now I leave you with love and baby dust.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Bitch of the Week

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The Week after a BFN (Big. Fat. Negative or Big Fu*cking Negative) is pretty much the worst.  I am already upset a grumpy that this didn't work out, but it takes on an entirely different level.  Aunt Flo works her magic and there is the much added kicker that makes me just want to be an a**hole to whoever is around.  Sometimes it can be comical, but if you are in the live of fire it is never good.  And lets face it almost anyone can be in the line of fire... anyone.  You don't even have to talk to me and you can be in the fire. And I am not even good at the so called "resting bit*h face" but I can put on one.

I have realized that somewhere along the 16 years of being with Mischa (and then some for being his friend) I have adapted and learned his method of shutting down.  I allow the emotion for a little bit and then I shut if off.  I wouldn't say that I go back to "normal" but I try to go back to functioning.  Whatever that is...

There are some hard parts to IVF/Infertility/ Fertility...  The funny thing is, I thought that shots would be the hardest.  Honestly, I overcame that fear on our very first cycle, or maybe even before that when I was getting my blood drawn at the Ob's office.  I don't even think that the shots suck anymore.  they are just necessary.  So I do them and keep going.  The Egg retrieval doesn't even bother me.  The first time we had one I think that I stayed up all night.  After that... it was just something that had to be done.  The out come of the shots if you will.  The most stressful part to me is after the Eggs come out and the before they come back in... the growing of the Embryos.  You have so many come out, but only about half that make it.  And we have NEVER had so many make it than this time.  4 made it.  4.  Now we only have 2 left, but 4.  And then the hardest part is when you get the BFN.  

Even though I have been told that there is no reason that I shouldn't be pregnant I sit here still not pregnant.  And I sit here after the BFN and I think that there is still something wrong with me, as to why I can't get pregnant.  I think that it is natural to think this.  I'd like to think that I can get over this quickly.  But, it is pretty hard.  My mind won't settle, so it makes down time a little hard.  

When my mind is not going a million miles a minute it wants to break down.  I can't sit and read (even though it is one of my great joys...) because it allows my mind to slow and just focus on one thing.  I have a pile of books that I was supposed to read 2 years ago.  I just can't.  When I am driving in the car I have to make sure that the radio is on and I am focusing on it and where I am going, because if I stop my mind will allow the emotions to the front.  

So, to shut all of what my mind has stored in there I have been researching and googling and trying to find out where I can get a dog or puppy.  Crazy I know.  But when Ollie our cat was a baby he need cuddles and love and taught and my mind didn't think about things.  I wish that I could just defeat my thoughts. 

Being cranky this past week as been easy and settling.  Sometimes that is all it takes to be able to put 2 feet on the ground and keep on going.  Next week I will not be doing the whole bitch thing.  I'll be back to "normal" whatever that is.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Failed

I will put it all out there.

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Today's Beta test confirmed what I already knew, we are not pregnant.  I thought that I was pregnant until Saturday.  Saturday I started to spot.  I thought that it was just a part of it and I was still trying to hold onto hope, but hope is hard when you are grasping for it.  Yesterday it was almost a full bleeding and today it was.  I didn't even want to go this morning.  But, you can't cancel, you have to take the test.  

I allowed and always will allow myself 1 hour of cry time.  I got a little extra 15 minutes, because one of my co-workers brought me flowers at the end of the day.  All of my co-workers are great.  They are like my 2nd family.  I cannot thank them enough!  I only allow 1 hour of cry time because if I go longer I will go all day and I won't be able to stop.  I have to pick myself up, so I just let it happen for an hour.  

How can perfect Embryos not stick?  Please give me that magic answer.  Shady Grove will not transfer any Embryos that do not receive top notes, they won't freeze them either.  So, I am thinking that my uterus needs some work.  I have been googling like crazy, in between helping clients.  I found this procedure that is called an Endometrium Scratch.  They do it in woman who have had failed IVF's and transfers but have high quality Embryos.  I am scared that my clinic will not allow it.  There is also PGS testing, that costs $2000 and it can destroy the Embryos that we have.  I don't like that option.  There is also something called intralids.  It is supposed to make your uterus lining ready for transfer.  We will see what is chosen.

My mind is going a million miles a minute.  I want to eat sushi and drink tea.  (I had a little bit of Mt. Dew after they called me and said that it failed and it about made me vomit.)  I have decided that I am going to continue to try and lose weight.  I lost 7lbs, So I am just going to keep going.  I think that this will help.  

This is heart breaking.  I cannot hide this fact.  But, I still believe that this will work.  I just think that we have to keep trying.  We have to keep figuring this out.  I want to try all things and exhaust all options.  I want to be able to carry my own baby, so until someone tells me that I can't do that. I want to try that.  So, I have to focus on what's next.  The next steps.  I have to find it.  

I still wish you love and baby dust.