Friday, April 24, 2015

I want to remind you....

I am NOT doing this for attention.  If fact if you truly know me, I really don't like that much attention.  To the fact that I am writing a blog shocks me.  Only because I know that people are reading it.  But, I am writing blog posts and cluing people in because it makes me feel better.  

I know that people are asking, then why do it in a public way?  Well, the simple answer is because so many people ask me things all the time.  And so that I don't have to repeat myself so many times I just write them down (type them out, I see you there.)  Writing has always made me feel better.  I would journal in class when I was supposed to be paying attention.  I would write things down, when I was supposed to taking notes in class.  Getting thoughts down on paper have always been a release for me.  I'm not saying that am or was an unhappy person.  I'm just saying that I had thoughts, ideas, or things to say and I didn't want to always say them out loud.  I also liked when I went on a trip to write down things that were going on.  Sometimes, that I got me in trouble.  Because, lets be honest I can be hateful.  

I know that people think that I am really sweet person, which I really can be.  But, I can also be very HATEFUL.  Honestly, I'm not sure if it is me being hateful or I'm being honest.  Maybe it is the delivery in which I say it, or how I say it, I don't really know.  But, I really do try to consider others feelings.  I sometimes, just can't take when they don't consider mine and then I let it go like word vomit.  We all have a place where we can't take it any longer.  Some of us it takes a lot longer to get there.  Some of us let it fester and grow and then everything becomes a negative.  I fall somewhere in the middle.  I take a while to get there, but when I get there I will find every single thing I can to make you feel like you have made me feel.  To the point of going overboard, and to begin to criticize things.  Again, I'm not sure what you want to call it, but it is what it is and I can't change it.  Trust me I have tried.  

I don't work on friendships anymore.  I don't know if this is because I'm working on other things and they are taking a lot or if I just want to be a hermit and I don't have time for things.  It isn't that I don't want to hang out and have fun with friends, it is just that if it is a ton of work, I won't try to work on it.  That is honest. 

 I am also at a place where some things really don't bother me.  I know that I have burned a lot of bridges and a lot of people.  Normally, I want to fix it.  I want to try and be different.  Do you know how exhausting that is??  I cannot fix EVERYTHING, I have tried.  I just chalk it up to more word vomit (Thank you Mean Girls ((the movie)), for coming up with the phrase, I have loved it since then.)  Let's face it I have horrible word vomit.  I am really trying to fix that, mainly just a filter.  But I have learned that if the bridge is burnt, then I need to let it go.  I need to be done with it and I need to move on.  It's hard, but I try.

I also over analyze and rethink almost everything.  I can remember things that I have said and how they affect people.  Then I will look back on it and feel like an ass because of what I have said or how I acted.  Sometimes I wish that I could see how guilty I'll feel before I act that way, so that I don't do it.  Something that none of us have the ability to do.  So this is something that will just be there.  

Back to the not wanting anyone to think that I am doing this for attention...
I'm not sure why I had to even go there.  It is just the things that people say and do that make me think that they are thinking I want attention.  What I want is to feel better.  I want to look back on this time in my life and laugh, or say what the hell.  I want answers, and I am not sure how to get them.  (Answers to what needs to be saved for another time.)  If in thinking that I write this for attention then please read my posts and give me attention.  By helping me answer my question.  If you just enjoy reading this, or are on the journey with me.  Keep on reading.  Bottom line, I am not an attention whore.  I am some that thought when I got to my 30 year old self, my life would be a little bit different.  I know that life never turns out like you planned, but it has to go some what the way you want it.  I know there are only a few things that would look different, but those are the hardest things.  Also, while we are on the subject, if you think that I am an attention whore, why are you reading this?  You don't have to.  You can ignore when I post them to facebook.  You have free will, I'm not making you read.  So, I know that this is going to make people mad.  It seems as if every blog that I write that is not about my fertility struggles pisses people off, so I know that someone will be angry.  Someone will decide that they don't want to be my "friend" any more.  But, you know what I really don't care.  Delete me please.  Unfriend me please.  I think that I might just take my own advice.  I think that it is time to clear the list.  Who knows what I will do.  I do know that I will keep blogging.  I will keep pissing people off.  It's what I do.  

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Just two kids with a dream

We were just two kids with a dream.....

and we hoped that what we dreamed for would come true.  At first they were mild stepping stones...

High School Graduation
College Graduation
Getting a house
Getting married
and then....
Having babies.

Now we are two adults with big dreams...

Whatever they might be.  We have come to a point, a point that we are not sure of where it will go.  It has been about a month that they said we needed to have this test and we are in no rush to do it.  It's an all day trip.  It also may or may not tell us if we can have babies or not.  For 16 years we have been each other's best friend.  Sure we have had other bests between now and then, but we have been each other's best almost from the day we met.  2 years later we started dating, and 10 years after that we got married.  We have done everything in time.  We know each other very well.  We know what we want.  It's not going to come easy, but we will get there.  Behind everyone else.  That is just the way it goes for us.

I want everyone to know...
I am 100% okay being around pregnant people.  I am really 100% happy for you.  Please don't think that you can't invite me to something because I can't be around kids that is 1000% false.  I can talk about your kids or babies and be okay.  I'm not going to have a melt down.  Please feel free to feel bad for me though.  But don't harp on it.  I'm sad, I won't lie about it.  

If you are going to talk about people that shouldn't be parents, I'm not game.  If you are going to talk about how bad people treat their kids I don't want to talk about that either. I don't want to be reminded that they can easily have kids.  I know how unfair this world is and I don't need you to tell me about it all the time.  

I also want you to know that my husband has gotten in the habit of telling me often how much he wants a little person.  Which means that it is almost daily.  We want this, we really do.  We are not settling for something else, we are not settling.  We are just taking our time.  Maybe we shouldn't be, but that is how it is.  

Okay so...

We are still two kids with dreams, we just became adults.
We still want a lot of things, we just have to really work for them.
One day they will all happen, and you will see it!

Saturday, April 4, 2015

A day in the life...

Disclaimer: I am not trying to be funny about this, nor am I claiming that I know everything about being Bipolar.  I am not Bipolar, but I think that I am around many people that are.  It is a struggle and I believe people who have it need to seek help.

What I wouldn't give to have some consistency.  I do not enjoy going in and things being different from one day to another.  I am a pretty flexible person, I can do different jobs, that is not the problem.  Rules changing day in and day out, I cannot handle that.  I also cannot handle feeling like I am doing something wrong or harming a child and no one telling me.  

In the past week I have gone from.... having my own room, helping another teacher, promised that I will have my own room, almost being sent home (not even the middle of the day), being asked if I have a college degree (yes), asked for a copy, then being told that I would be considered for lead teacher and other opportunities, being sent home early after I have said that I need to work, being called and having my schedule changed, and finally in that call being told that I would be sharing my room with someone else.  


Maybe I don't understand.  I worked in a school, that seemed pretty simple.  I worked directly with teachers and the principal.  The principal told me that she would hire me there if a position ever became available.  I did great work.... and now I am down to this.  I don't get it.  I am great with kids.  I can bond with the difficult ones, and I work really hard to help them succeed!  

Now this, daily it is something different.  You are not paying enough attention, you don't know how to do that, you need trained.  PUMP THE BREAKS!!!  I was NEVER trained.  I read a book, and then everything I have been doing has been something that someone who works there has told me to do.  You don't have training.  I got diaper trained by reading a paper....  AND you want me to work off the clock??  Um I don't get paid enough on the clock, why would I work off the clock???  I'm not, not now not ever.  If that makes me a bad teacher so be it.  If it is ever said that I hurt a child, I will walk off the job.  I have never EVER hurt a child, and I never will.


This line of work is not for me.  I thought that it was, but clearly I am not cut out for it.  I love kids, but I don't love this.  I'm almost 30 years old and I had to learn the hard way that this will not work for me.  I have no benefits, no time off, no nothing.  Not even job security.  I need something different.  I also need 2 weeks on the beach with no cell phone and no care in the world.  I'll settle for a weekend at the lake with puppies.  

So that's it, if you are confused you know how I feel.  That is how I feel daily.  I hope to have it chang.  Pray that good things come my way!