Wake me Up

....



I am not a Green Day fan, but since this is the last day of September, I thought that this was appropriate.  This was THE longest September that I have had in a long time.  I was pretty much on Birth Control Pills (BCP) the entire month.  Which in the land of OZ pretty much sucks.  (More on that later.)  Abby our beloved Boxer had to have ACL surgery this month.  Which on the suck meter sucked pretty bad.  Poor girl has had a lot of trouble getting comfy and sleeping since then.  Lots of sleepless night.  I wish that I could give her a sedative at night, so that she could relax and sleep.  Mischa and I have been taking turns sleeping on the couch with her.  And it was really great last weekend when she stayed the night at my parents house.  I know that they didn't get much sleep, but we did and for that I am thankful.

I missed my first baseline appointment.  I'm not sure if it was them or me.  But I was sure that that appointment was on Friday the 29th, not Thursday.  Also I made an appointment Thursday morning, and the receptionist didn't say anything to me.  I have decided that I really don't like receptionist and I hope that I don't have to talk to her much other than having to make appointments, she seems kindof dumb and a little spaced out.  

I went to my appointment on Friday, but this also caused another day of BCP.  So I had to go and get a refill for one pill.  I would be okay with BCP if I could control myself and if I could not get cysts from them.  But, everytime that I go on them, I get a cyst.  So, I have lots of follicles, but I have a cyst.  Lucky for me, my blood work came back fine.. meaning that it is not an estrogen producing cyst.  So I am clear to start shots on Monday.  Shot Central Station is pulling in for a landing.  

Since being on BCP all I want to do is eat.  I have to always tell myself that I am not actually hungry, but it never fails and I just give in.  I am not sure what side effect this is, but I don't like it.  My face is always all broke out.  I am not sure why Doctor's put you on  BCP to clear your face, because it NEVER does mine.  

October is my favorite time of year.  If it could stay October all year, I would keep it.  I don't want to live anywhere where there isn't a fall or an October.  I am determined that we will enjoy all of October this year.  Mischa and I saw the IT movie the other day, which I am shocked that he wanted to go to, because he doesn't like those movies.  But, it was good.  And there was a preview for the new "Saw" movie "Jigsaw."  I was hoping that he would say that he wanted to go to that with me.  But, he shook his head no.  That's okay my mom will go with me.  
Well for now I leave you with love and baby dust!  I need lots and lots of baby dust.  Which you can order and send me if you would like... Just a thought!

Bills, Insurance, and Appointments

1st:




2nd:

Last week at work I received an email from my IVF clinic.  I get a lot of emails from them... they love to email.  I hate it, I wish they would call or text me.  Anyways:  It was from the billing lady and in the highlight section is said that I owed $2650, before any of my IVF could start.  I had a mini- panic attack.  Everything is supposed to be covered.  I read the email twice to make sure that I wasn't missing anything before I responded.  I simply stated that everything was supposed to be covered because of the testing that we had done, and that I did't understand the charge.  One thing is for sure, with all their emails they are quick to return them.  So in the email back she asked if we were doing PGS testing on the embryos, I explained that because all other testing came back okay, we decided that we would not test the embryos.  Then she sent back an email apologizing, she hadn't talked to our nurse and was just giving us that price.  She said that I only would owe $100.  Which I didn't think that I owed, but she said that it was a deductible.  That I can handle.  I don't think that I should have to play that.  But, it is better than $2650 so I will take it.  

Our insurance is really good.  I am very thankful for that.  I don't know if we would have been able to do another cycle if our insurance was different.  The debt is really high.  But, anything is worth it for a baby!

I have an appointment on Thursday.  This will be the first time that I drive to the clinic on my own.  I still have to use GPS, but I'll get there.  They are going to do a mock transfer.  I'd love if they could just sedate me for this, but I will be awake.  I do try to take a few Tylenol before hand.  This is a simple procedure, but my uterus contracts a lot.  After that I won't have any appointments until the 29th.  Then is is on like donkey kong.  

I have been pretty good on BC so far.  The only thing that I have is I get hot, and really thirsty.  My skin has heat rash bumps on my face, and my poor lips are chapped.  I am hoping that they don't make me take them longer than 21 days.  I have also been trying to be quiet more than normal, because being mean is something that I really do while on BCP.  

I can't wait until all this is over and I have my baby in my arms.  I dream of that often.  I am also trying to keep the faith and stop thinking that this is happening because of something that I have done wrong in God's eyes.  I am just hoping that this will all work out.  That our baby will choose us.  So for now, Love and baby dust!  

BCP Day One

Welcome, Welcome... To day one of a 21 day cycle.  Or rather I really don't know how long this will last.  I have been instructed to take my BCP (Birth Control Pills) at night, because they make me crazy.  How exciting.  Damn!

Shady Grove makes you take all these online courses.  Today we had a course on the entire process.  Which is very informative, but there was one thing...  Elective Termination on multiples.  Pump.  The. Breaks.  Mischa and I had to pause the video.  My heart broke.  To think that you went all this way, and you ended up with more than 2 babies, so you "Terminate" one, how do you pick?  Then you are very likely to lose the other babies.  I understand that the risks are very high.  But, I am not sure that when I finally get pregnant I could pick one to Terminate.  The video goes on to explain how this is done, by injecting potassium into the embryo.. or by that point fetus.  I just can't.

I don't care what side of the coin you are on, but I just can't.  To think that you get to that part and they want you to just get rid of one.  How does anyone decide this?  

So much is changing with this Fertility clinic, I will be on BCP for 21 days.  I was never on it that long before.  Also I don't see where I will have any PIO (Progesterone in Oil Shots).  I don't see where they will be ordered or in the schedule that is sent to me.  I also have to take a lot of things on my own.  The nurse will order my meds, but I have to contact the pharmacy for payment and delivery.  The other pharmacy contacted me before, so this is really weird.  I don't even know that pharmacy that I am supposed to contact.  Our insurance controls it all.  

I am less nervous.  Even though that video was pretty scarring.  They pretty much tell you everything that can go wrong, and then that you can get a baby out of it.  One of the other things that I am worried about: Our baby has a higher percentage of being born early and with a low birth weight.  Dang it.  Those are things that I don't want.  But, I guess I really don't have a choice over that part.

I am not going to worry.  I am going to try and get through this and be positive about it.  I told many people today that I get to be "normal" for 21 more days... or until the 29th.  But, really that isn't true.  I have a mock embryo transfer scheduled for next week.  And then I think that I have to schedule a few more things.  I have to schedule this.  Which is weird, it was all done for me last time.  What if I forget?  What if I miss something?  I just wish the nurse would do it for me.  It's time to put on the big girl pants on and deal with it!  Love and Baby Dust!

Welp

I had an entire blog written and at the advise of Mischa, I deleted it.  

Dreaming of babies is something that happens more days then I know of.  And the beginning of a cycle is no different, but often intensifies it.  I feel bad because I keep talking about the same things, but often I don't have anything new to add.  I don't want to just leave my blog.  I feel like I have helped so many people. But, I am leaving facebook.  But, not for the reasons that people think.  

I am leaving because I cannot take seeing another pregnancy announcement without being told first.  And I am not saying that I have to be called.  But a simple private message would be okay.  Doing, this one simple thing gives me time to prepare.  To cry if I need to, to figure out how I want to proceed.  It's just simple.  Most of them time, it allows me enough time to become normal again.  

People forget you, they move on.  It's okay.  I get it.  I understand.  I forget a lot too.  I'd like to remember everything that I need to at one time, but I just can't.  

I can't see the good in some people anymore.  I can't find a simple way to forgive them.  But, you know what that is really okay.  

I am a jumbled mess. So, one last thing.  I'll be bloggin and Insta-gramming.  I will only post these on facebook.  Other wise, it is deleted on my phone.  I hope that baby dust finds it way to me.  Because I need a lot of it!!!!!