I have been thinking about this a lot. I always ask for forgiveness. However, I can never seem to forgive. I hold a grudge. And because of that grudge... I cannot forget. I am not proud of any of these. There is nothing to be proud of. If you believe in karma this could be the way that it gets me. My feelings easily get hurt. There isn't much that it takes. I am not made of steel, but honestly this is not what it is about.
I don't know how to forgive. To truly let to go. I think that I am in a place where it doesn't bother me, and then I am right back in that place. And more than that I remember things. I can play them back in my mind. I don't usually remember what is said, but I remember the situation. I remember what it was about. I want to let it go. It is so frustrating and trying to go over it in my mind. Wouldn't you like to just forget???
Without a doubt I would like to forget. But not only that, I want to forgive. I don't have much meat to this blog. There isn't much to say. There isn't a way to make it better. This is something that I have to learn to do myself. This is something that I have been working on for most of my life. I have let friendships go because I am unable to forgive. I have to try and not do that as a 30 year old. We all have things that we want to work on. If they are self growth or growth in other ways. We have to know that we are allowed to grow and evolve during our entire lifetime. We don't have to settle. We NEVER have to settle. We should leave to grow, we should learn to think, we should learn to change.
Gonna hold who needs holdin' Mend what needs mendin' Walk what needs walkin' Though it means an extra mile
Pray what needs prayin' Say what needs sayin' 'Cause we're only here For a little while
It's my favorite time of the year!! Literally, I am busting at the seams, it's time to turn off the AC, turn on the fans and open the windows. Oh and all the halloween stuff, haunted houses, pumpkins, horror films... Okay you get it. Did I mention pumpkins???? I seem to always have a lot of guilt and self doubt when I am writing my blogs. Sometimes I feel like I share too much, and other times I feel like I am just a rambling women that goes on and on about the same thing, just a little bit different each time. Whatever the reason, sometimes I have a hard time sitting here writing. I don't often go back and read any of what I write. Sometimes I do, but I feel like it is enough for it to just sit in my head, that I don't need to go back and read it again and again. I am writing this middle of the road blog post, as this month officially marks the 2 years of trying to have a baby. It was this time 2 years ago (okay I don't know a specific day, just a month, work with me here!!!), that we decided that we were going to try and have a baby. And now I have become a woman on a mission. I am one person, but I feel like a lot can change with one person. I am still trying to figure out the best way for us to become more that fur-parents. But, I have added another mission to my cause. I want women to self advocate for themselves. Do not sit blindly like I did and let someone tell you that you are young and to go home and keep trying. It will be so heart breaking. Do not defeat yourself and then let doctors tell you that there is something wrong. Get a 2nd opinion. ALWAYS. If within 6 months to a year you are not seeing a change, a result, a pregnancy, whatever it is you are trying for do not stay with that doctor. For lack of a better word, they are dicking you around. And you need to not let it happen. In America we believe many different things, there are many religions, or lack thereof. There are many ideals, they are many things. However, I believe that we are women centered. One of my Indian friends, (not the Native American type, the true Indian from India, and before you get bent out of shape, I am Native American, and I am not being any type of hateful!!) talked with me about how in her country the are mother centered. The praise the women, she is of the highest honor, she rules the roost, (this might not be everywhere there, but she was talking about herself). Mother is the one that makes life, and carries on the next generation. I have always thought about this, mainly because we don't practice this at all. Men make loads more money than we do, for doing the same work. It took all 10 years of me working at Walmart to make what my hubby made in half the time that he was there. I have had to be extra good at my job in order to get a raise, going above and way beyond to get that raise. Women are still held back. Yet if you think about it, without us, there would be no future generations. (I am also not saying that were are only there to make babies because we do more than that, it was just the example that came to my head.) I look at our society today, and I wonder what it will look like when we are older. We have become so politically correct that we just don't say much about other things because we are seen as not being agreeable to current times. I'm sorry but I want to have a difference in opinion. I want to be able to say it too. Okay, maybe I am going totally off topic, or maybe it just took me a long time to get there. But, this morning as I am drinking my coffee and watching 20/20, (btw it's one of my favorite shoes, I could have majored in criminal justice, maybe, but I don't like dead bodies, and I am not gonna work in a prison so that doesn't leave me much.. good thing I didn't major in that!!). So I'm watching it and it's about this little girl that vanished... She went out to get Ice Cream and she was gone. On the episode they talked about how the police looked for sex offenders in her neighborhood, and then showed the map of all the ones that were within one mile of her house. And if you know me, that gets the gears going. WHY ARE WE ALLOWING THIS???? Please tell me. Please give me a good reason as to why a sex offender should be allowed back into society. And please don't say because they can be changed, because I don't agree with that at all. The reason that I am also thinking about this is because Halloween is one of the few times that our children go door to door. And I remember a friend saying that when we moved into our neighborhood, that when there is a sign on the door that says, "No Candy" that is a registered sex offenders home and they are required to put that on the door. Key word here is registered. So, when I was walking around the neighborhood last year around this time, (maybe a little closer to halloween) I noticed signs on the door, and I was pretty angry about it. Of all the things that we are worried about in America, why are we not worried about this? Yes I moved into my neighborhood, and I am pretty sure, that there are not any on my street. But, in my neighborhood there are. I just want to know what can be done about this. I just want to know about the safety of our children. Okay, I know that I have given a lot in a long blog. But I was just thinking about these things. I am a woman on a mission. I am trying to do good with the life that I live. I'm not in any way preaching peace and harmony, but I am preaching answers. I am telling you not to allow things to just be. Question, and not once, but all the time. Ask, talk, be that annoying person. Be self aware. Make a difference! Happy Fall, Y'all!
Disclaimer: I'm not writing this to offend anyone. I'm not trying to make a point. I don't normally write about anything other than my life. If you are offended about this post please DON'T let me know. It seems that everyone is offended by something, and this is not something to be offended over. This is just my thoughts on a tragic day. I was 16 when it happened. I'm 30 now. I have a lot of opinions. But, my thoughts are not to be harmful.
Who doesn't remember where they were on September 11, 2001? Maybe if you were under the age of 5 wouldn't. But, everyone normally has a answer for the question. The thing is do you remember what life was like before that? I have a hard time with that. A tragedy such as this is now a bookmark in my life. After it everything was different. But, before.... When you are a 16 year old, are you ever thinking about what the future will be? Some think about going to college other's think about Friday night football games. I was never really a good student. I was okay. I payed attention in class, I did class work... homework on the other had was a different thing. I hated homework, I didn't want to be bothered by school at home or during my fun time (Marching band, color guard, pep band, football, or basketball games). I could really paint you a picture of me at 16. But, it's really a funny one. I wasn't girly. But boy was I boy crazy. I wasn't allowed to date, but I had a few boyfriends. My best friends were two boys (one I married, the other was just as boy crazy as I was!!). Being in your 3rd year of high school you feel invincible. Considering you have made it through 2 years in high school, in a town that you are new to. And you have adapted pretty well, with a great group of friends. You are living the American Dream... aren't those two words haunting?? Considering that there was an American Dream before then... after, well I don't know that any of us are. Before this day, nothing seemed real. I was fun loving a care free. My childhood isn't stapled by this day, I was no longer a child. I was a teenager. But I remember feeling really adult that day. I just remember feeling so much hurt and sorrow. That some person or group of people could hate so much that they would take innocent lives. INNOCENT LIVES. The thing is that I remember bits and pieces of my life before this, but much of what I know is after this. I remember so many hugs that day, so many hand holdings, so many kids leaving school that day... because either their mom or dad worked at the Pentagon. People that you may not have hung out with before you consoled. Tears... lots and lots of tears... The thing is, is many of us know what life was like before this tragic day. But, now a lot of people don't know that. All they know is 9/11/01 and after. Kids grow up in a different world. A world of war. A world where everyone is hating on everyone else. Where politically correct is the thing that is used to try and be "nice" to someone but it is really offending someone else. I noticed yesterday... On the anniversary, I try to be humble. I don't know what it was like to lose someone on that day. I have never talked to someone that did. I cannot begin to understand. I raise my American flag that day, although typically it is up all summer, due to the patriotic holidays. I wear red, white, and blue...I always have. But, I have noticed that there has been a shift. Years after it first happened, on the anniversary we would pause our lives to honor those lost. Gradually we have stopped doing that. There, are less things on TV about it. Less things on the internet. Less time to pause... then I think about the day that it happened. I was at school... we didn't pause. In first block class we had no idea what was going on. I felt as if we were one of the only classes that didn't know. When I got into the hall to walk with a friend that I normally went to 2nd block with, she told me all about it. I didn't believe it, and she told me to shake myself, this is real. We begged our 2nd block teacher to turn the TV on. She told us that she was going to teach for 30 minutes before she would (had I known then what I know now, I would have know that she was trying to distract us, however he effort to teach didn't work, more students went home, most wouldn't talk, and then there was more tears..), eventually she gave in a turned the TV on. 3rd block was different. Our teacher told us that we could stay in class, that we didn't have to go to lunch. When it was our time from lunch I ran to the lunchroom, literally, I wanted to escape for a minute. I wanted to pause. I needed to be with a friend. My hubby has always been my best friend, and he has always been this calming voice for me. Even when we were just friends, he was always able to calm me down. I still to this day, don't know what it is about him, that does that to me. But, sometimes I know that it is what I need, and I naturally go and seek it. That day I ran to it. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I ran to him. I don't really remember the rest of 3rd block. I just remember crying. 4th block was band class, it was split into a history class too... this day was the only day of my entire public school career that I didn't go to all my classes. I stayed in band class. Our teacher told us we could stay, but at the end of the day we would have to go home. I begged the hubby to take me home, so that I didn't have the long bus ride. I just wanted to go home. I watched the news like a crazy person at home. I even ate dinner in my room, so that I could continue to watch. I don't know if I slept that night... I don't remember that part. I know that the next day there was no school. The rest of the week I don't remember at all. I remember that I didn't want to go back to school. Not because I was scared, but because I didn't know who was going to be there, and I didn't want to know if any of my friends had lost anyone. It was all too sad. This event has shaped our lives, in ways that we cannot imagine. 14 years later, life looks a lot different. I don't care what side of the political coin you are on; (and this wasn't supposed to be political)... we have to pause. And I mean pause for life. We are so worried about who to offend, that we are not living. We are worried that someone will walk into our home and be offended about what's in it. We are worried that if we like this band, this person, this animal that someone will hate us. We need to stop this. (This has nothing to do with this tragic day.) We just need to pause for life. Take a minute for loved ones. Nurture relationships, cherish friendships and loved ones. We get one life (unless you believe in reincarnation), you have to live it. It has to be something that you want and fight for. Pause for it, pause to reflect. Pause to dream. Pause... take a break. Dream... wish... hope.. love... live....