it wont post

For someone who has a ton of say, I don't always say it in the best way.  I am guilty of a lot of things, I am trying to take more action and ownership of them.  "Baby" Steps.  

And there went all my thoughts... crap.

Lets try again:

I am trying to move away from all things infertility.  I am in no way not fertile (well I am but my situation as not been cured.)  But, in a short period of time a lot of things have changed for me.  A lot of opinions.  But, some things have remained intact and very much the same.  

One of those, getting a second opinion.  On anything and everything.  (Okay maybe not buy groceries or something like that...)  Don't do what I did and keep going home expecting something to change.  Don't look up remedies and solutions for something that you might not have.  Find another opinion.  Find it fast.

Ask lots of questions:  I mean lots.  Even if you think that they are dumb.  Even if you have to write them down on sticky notes.  Ask.  At our first infertility clinic I never asked anything.  No whys, now hows.  Nothing.  I did ask for a different protocol, but by then they were so used to me submissive that they didn't even take another look.  Ask in all ways.. even if you are asking about your dogs leg.. if you think that something is not right ask.

Control: Okay so this is something that has changed and intensified.  Because most of this process has been out of my control, I want to control everything.  I don't feel like this is unnatural.  I am also beginning to get annoyed when people are trying to change my mind about things.  Let me have this one time to be in control.  I have been dreaming and working at this for 6 years.  Sometimes part of that control is not wanting help.  If I don't ask for it, please stop trying to give it to me.  I need this at this time.  

Baby Name:  I don't know how many times, and how many different ways I have to say this.. We are NOT sharing our babies name.  (First we don't know yet what we are having, so stop asking that too!!)  Many people have been offensive about this.  They hurt my feelings.  Don't say you don't like this name, or that you want this name for the baby.. its not happening.  Once we know what gender the baby is (other than a Dragon!!) we will give it a nickname, and you are going to have to stick with that, until it's born and you hear the name.  By then it will be on a piece of paper and there is no going back.  So keep your opinions on this to yourself.

Putting me in uncomfortable situations is going to end badly for anyone involved.  Listen, I am not really a confrontational person, I can sit behind a keyboard and harass people a bunch (it is something that I am NOT proud of!!), but if you push me, my "Fight or Flight" is pretty high right now and first I will fight and then I will flight.  When I am trying to be quiet and just listen, I don't want to be berated over and over.  I cannot control the response that I have.  Saying anything negative about the baby, or telling me how I am supposed to feel will have a bad consequence, don't say that I didn't warn you.

I still don't like to talk about the baby.  Sometimes I can and can really get on a roll.  But, a lot of time I don't want to talk about it.  I am nervous, scared, happy, sad, and everything (but mad) all rolled into one.  It doesn't feel real.  I can't describe it, but I will try.  We made our baby in the most "Unique" way, that is becoming a lot more common.  We knew that we were pregnant before a lot of couples ever find out that they are pregnant.  We have more pictures of our baby than most people do during this time.  But, some of the traditional things that couples get to do when they find out they are pregnant go robbed of us.  It's not about who is on facebook (because for a while we were NEVER going to share that we were pregnant on their), its not about who talks to who.  It is about the joy of getting to share the news, and because of that I don't feel as connected as most people do (YET!!).  

Which brings me to my final thought, and this one has been bugging me for a VERY long time:  Baby #2.  Mischa and I don't know when or if Baby #2 will ever happen.  (Honestly, it won't be an attempt until this baby is at least 2 years old.  If then.)  This baby will not come naturally, I will have to do everything all over again (even possibly another egg retrieval.)  IVF has been hard on my body for the 3 years that we have been doing it.  I have gone up and down on the scale, my hormones have been to the point I never thought that I would recover.  It is hard on the mind, body, and soul.  (I am not trying to be political ((that is not my game)) and I am not trying to throw a bunch of religion into the mix ((I pray a lot, but I am not as religious as I should be.))  I have always asked God for one baby.  To just give us one baby.  That Mischa and I would be happy with one baby.  Honestly, I believe that when I stopped praying for particular traits for the baby, is when this all worked (I will be shocked if those are actually what happens. I might even laugh.)  Anyways: back to baby #2.. I just don't know.  And I want people to stop asking me.  Or stop thinking about it.   We have to do this first.  Also, we are not going to tell anyone when we plan on baby #2, if we do that.  It is going to be surprise to everyone.  Too many people let slip before we wanted to, that we were pregnant.  We are not going down that road again, its not fun.

Okay one more point:  I think that people still feel that I have a lot of anger.  Also, I think that a lot of people think that I am angry.  I have stopped that now.  I did have a lot of it.  I did harbor a lot of it.  But, I think I have softened.  I am coming back down to normal (just don't put me on birth control again.)  I can tell people that I am pregnant and I don't fear it.  (Except I don't like to ask where the maternity section is.. for some reason I get shy.)  I even enjoy searching for cool baby things.  Slowly I am getting to the point where I am not getting mad a people for being able to become pregnant naturally.  I find it easier to engage in normal conversations.  I love gossip again and I love talking about peoples love lives (but don't go overboard... I don't need everything.)  I feel like slowly "normal" Crystal is coming back.  She has just been in hiding for about 3 years.  Now, if I could rebuild my friendships, I would be all the way back.  Slowly... "Baby" Steps.

Lots to Say

It seems that everyone has a lot to say about me being pregnant, everyone except me.  And I am not talking about the advice that I am getting from friends, I am talking about the constant asking of what am I going to do about this, and what am I going to try to get a buy.  To put it this way... I simply don't know.  It's my first baby, and I am not sure what I am going to need or want.  I also don't know what I am having, yet.  So I don't want to make lists and request things just to do it.  I want to plan.  I want know that I am getting the right things.  

I don't want to offend anyone.  But, I really want to enjoy this.  I feel like I should have that right being that I have been trying, praying, asking, begging, and all around giving up a lot for this.  And by this I mean pregnancy.  I feel like some people are just trying to take this away, or make it all about them.  I am offended by it.  

I have always wanted to be honest about all of this process.  And now that I have gotten here, I feel like I need to be a hermit about things.  Which is not fair at all.  

Baby number one is just that baby number one.  Mike and I are not thinking, talking, or even making plans for baby number 2.  Please stop thinking about more children for us.  We want to think about this one.  And we want to enjoy this one.  There is no time line for number two, other than it will be at the very least 2 years from the time that this one is born.  My body has been through a lot in the last 2 to 3 years and it is beginning to go through a lot more.  I need to recover.  My butt still hurts from shots, I need a break.  Please be respectful.  Let us get to the end of this, before you decide that we need another.

Maternity Clothes:

This seems to be a big topic, for whatever reason.  As of yet, I don't need them.  But when I do, I have a lot to think about.  First I have to find clothes that are appropriate for work.  I don't just want anything.  I want nice clothes.  These will be my clothes.  I will need them from probably June till October and then beyond.  As picky as I am about my clothes now, I am going to be equally picky for these clothes.  I don't really let people buy me clothes, so I am not going to tell people what I want or where I am going to get it because I want to pick it out.  Lets stop with this topic.

Emotions, thoughts, and everything in between:

I have a lot of anxiety over pregnancy.  I don't really feel like I am an anxious person!  But, I believe that when you have gone through this process and it has taken you more than 4 months then you are going to have a little bit of anxiety.  I have just become comfortable with saying that I am pregnant... it only took me 3 months.  My girls at work, and a few friends have helped this along.  I realized that I am going to blink and it is going to be October, and my baby will be here and Ill be able to drink a coke, eat raw sushi, and have a lunch meat sandwich (all of which I am really crazing, if I am being honest).  But, for now I am living in this bliss that time has someone slowed down.  I am not ready to do certain things, I am just not.  I don't like to talk about the baby every time I open my mouth.  I also don't want to talk about what I am eating, if I am eating, and if I am gaining weight.  I have a lot to worry about, I am already heavier than I think that I should be going into this, thanks to IVF, so I don't want to gain too much.  I just think this: Let me enjoy this pregnancy.  Let me worry about all the things, and when the baby comes I am the mom.  I am going to to be the one responsible, I can do it.  If God, or whoever didn't think that I could, than I wouldn't be here.  Lets let this rest for a while!!!!