Thursday, April 6, 2017

Friendship and Infertility Do NOT

Go Hand and hand.  I haven't written about this before.  The truth is, it is a lot harder pill to swallow than me not being pregnant.  Sometimes you are really alone in this journey (not counting your spouse).  You think that you found a friend that listens to you, that cares about you.  Then suddenly you can't voice what is wrong with you, you think at a person knows you well enough, and they stop talking to you.  

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Image result for Find out who your friends are

I know that I am a lot.  I have never denied that and never will.  But, I literally mean it when I say that I married my best friend.  I know there are people that just say that, but I mean it.  He is the only person that I know other than family that can deal with me, all of me all the time.  He tells me all the time that I need more friends, and I am trying, but he doesn't know how much of a handful I can be, because he is used to me.  

I am probably the loudest person that you know.  But, sometimes I don't want to talk and sometimes I am dying to hear something other than my problems.  Not the drama, I have enough of that for everyone.  There is a point to this, and I need to get there.  

I don't have the kindest heart when it comes to friends.  I should have a long time ago told one of my friends that the Hubs and I were trying to have kids, because she didn't know it at the time she could not figure out what was wrong with me.  And she tried everything.  But, then I was unkind and everything got washed away.  Unkind because she had kids and I didn't.  Unkind cause I didn't know that there was nothing medically wrong with me as to why we couldn't conceive and I kept blaming myself for why the odds were stacked against us.

Once something is broken there is no fixing it.  You can try to mend it and put things back to the way they were, but it is not fixed.  So, I'm down this road again.  Sometimes I feel like I should just stop putting myself out there.  If, maybe I could just manage to keep things to myself, and keep to myself then maybe I could stay off this road.  But, we are human and one basic human things is to bond with people and so we keep doing it.  We keep trying to bond.  We keep trying to learn and grow and make it right again.  But, we keep messing it up.  Life is messy.  Sometimes I'd like to be a part of a movie, where it is all wrapped up nicely at the end but it isn't the end of a life it is just the end of that part of the story.  But, that is just it.  We are not caught in a movie, we are caught in life.  And then end of it is death, until you might with the maker.  (Or Life according with Albus Dumbledore, is Death is but the next great journey.)  I'm not trying to be all depressing and talk about Death, I don't want anyone to think that I am trying to take me life or something, because I am 100% not.  I am just saying that the end of the movie (life) is death.  

So until I figure out what I am doing in my friendship I will just journey and wait and keep trying to find out what I am doing with this crazy time!

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