4 Years Ago:
This Happened. (To be fair I forgot about this picture. I do really like this one. Guess I need to get to work on getting this one up, somewhere and framed!!)
What a ride it has been for 4 years. And there are days that I feel like this day just happened. I'm ready for whatever is next.
So Today, I set out to get somethings accomplished in the baby department. I have been doing some research trying to find a good place to go. I finally decided on the one that I was going to go to. And wouldn't you know when I called and they (she, whoever) answered the phone....I was highly disappointed. (Shocker! Not!!!) I really thought that when you called any Doctor's office, specialist or no, that when they answer they are supposed to be confirming the place you called?? That was red flag number one. I also thought that they were supposed to ask how the could help you?? Red Flag number two. And if those weren't enough the lady asked me for my number and said that the lines were too busy and that she was going to call me back, after I had explained myself 3 times. Red flag number three, and me being done. Yeah she called me back. But I did not answer. I did the best thing I could think of. I called my OB's office and asked from them to recommend someone for me. I'm not playing games.
To much of my dismay, I'm really more nervous about this than I have been about most of this journey. There is so much that I can't answer. So much that I can't control (and if you know me, I really like to be in control of things that I can actually control, so then I become an anxious wreck, Yay go me!!!). I have been waiting to make this call. Trying to buy some time. I have been looking for places that looked: clean, had good reviews, and the Dr's picture looked okay (aka not a creeper). And while all that might not matter to anyone else, they matter to me. BECAUSE: I can control some of them.
In this next phase, for me there is too much what if. The biggest what if: What if there is nothing that can be done, where do I go after that. What do I do after that??
The next one: How much debt am I going to go in? What if this doesn't work, the first time? Statistically, logically... look at all that stuff.... the very first time doesn't work. That is not an odd or number that I like to play with. I want the "odds to be ever in your favor." So how much money am I willing to spend before I say enough is enough?
Moving on: How much pain is this going to be? Am I going to have to lay in bed for days? (I am willing too.) Is this going to hurt as much as childbirth? No one can answer that because everyone's pain tolerance is different. (Sign me up right there.)
AND I know that everyone is going to be just do it. Move this along. Not your body. Not your mind. My grandma asked me; "What if there is no baby after all of this. What if they tell you that you won't have one, what are you going to do. You will be out of money and no baby." I laughed and told her half joking, "I'll get another boxer." It is the safest answer that I know. She laughed, and I know that she didn't like it. So then she asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her a gift card for clothes and a baby. Granny then told me that she wasn't putting up a tree then, because there wouldn't be anything for me to open. And I said that Christmas wasn't always about me. And she explained that she couldn't give me a baby. So I asked what she wanted and she said a baby. (Gee Thanks!!) It's what everyone wants and I can't deliver. I am trying. I really am trying.
So as this next phase begins to unfold, please say a prayer for me. I am not as brave as I seem. I'm not as fierce as I come across. I am a nervous wreck, and I just want a simple answer that will please me and everyone else.