Friday, December 11, 2015

Following Down the Rabbit Hole

It's a funny thing.. following blindly in a direction that you want to go it.  I don't think that I have been so nervous in my life.  This was not an easy decision.  But the first step is a must...  I know I am talking in circles.

Life is hard.  It is not all wrapped up in this nice little book, that has a beginning, middle, and end, and you read from cover to cover and you know that it is all over.  No guessing.  In a book you can skip a head.  You can read the end first.  Life... is nothing like that.  However, in life you are guaranteed some things.  You will live... for a second, a year.. 100.  You will live that is life.  You will have comfort and the things that you need to grow.  Some way somehow you will have them.  Family, in whatever shape or form that takes you will have one, don't take them for granted.  Love... you will meet one person that "rocks your socks," don't let them leave you.  You will need them, no matter what.  But, in that LIFE happens.  Sometimes you have to stop and look at it.  Sometimes you have to be in the moment.  This week, I have hit my moment.

On December 10th, we traveled back down to UVA.  If you know my hubby he hates that place.  I can feel him tense up the moment you see the sign that says welcome to Albemarle County.   However Charlottesville is a place that I can safely navigate.  If you know me, you know that I can get lost in a paper bag.  One of my comforts is knowing that I won't be lost.  And if I have to go there on my own I can get there and get back home.  It's something that makes me crazy.  I don't want that.  Anyways...  as always we get there early.. an hour to be exact.  They were running behind when we got there... what's new?  

Meeting with Dr. Williams wasn't bad, his intern was there too, she isn't as humble and she isn't very talkative at all.  He is a really nice guy.  Very thoughtful, very direct, very informative.  After answering lots of questions, Dr. Williams got right down to business.  Because of the odds that we have, we don't qualify for IUI... intrauterine insemination.  Which the cheapest option.  The next thing is IVF... also know as in vitro fertilization, some call this test tube babies.  They are not grown in tubes, the embryos are grown in dishes.  Just to fill you in.  

So while I was happy that there was something that could be done for us, because my biggest worry was there was NOTHING.  I was a little bit stunned that this was it.  I was too wrapped up in the information that was coming at me from Dr. Williams to worry about anything else.  The next information, other than telling us pricing was that he wanted to do another internal synogram.  (OH JOY, um not!!!) And more bloodwork.  (Ugg I'm so tired of being a pin cushion, I think even my body was tired of it because my blood clotted way quicker than it has before.)  And then after all that we are whisked down to talk finances and pricing options.  Honestly I couldn't think while I was there.  

The thinking happened last night and today.  The what if's hit me like a ton of bricks.  The I might not be strong enough to do this, crept in like a nasty old friend.  The oh gosh why me came.  Sometimes those things creep in and I can't stop them.  No matter how hard I try.  So yesterday when I was asked each step of the way if I had any questions and I said no, now I am sitting hear typing this with a head full of questions.  I want to know what is happening at all times.  The control that I want, I cannot have.  This Rabbit Hole that I am going down is really hard for me.  Because there are so many what ifs.  

I know that this is a long one, and I haven't wrote in a long time.  Some of these thoughts are going in circles.  I am sure that I am going to drive myself crazy more than I will drive you crazy.  I'm just trying to make it all make since.  Someone make it make since.  

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