Thursday, December 31, 2015

On the Eve of 2016

Partly because I haven't written in a while, and partly because the end of the year is a time for reflection.  I decided that now would be a good time to sit and write a blog.  

This year has been a learning experience for sure.  I don't know if I can break it down, so I will give tidbits of life.  I learned that being in child care and being a teacher is hard when you are struggling to have a child yourself.  You see kids that are treated really good and others that are treated horrible and you go home feeling really bad about it all.  People with infertility are the biggest judges when it comes to people with children.  Honestly, we can't help it.  Because we are always asking someone (God, spouses, or just about anyone who will listen,) "Why not me."  I found out that child care and being a teacher, were not for me.  I don't think that I will go back to it.  I love kids but I want my own.  I got tired of taking care of everyone else's.  Thus, in December of 2014 I left what I thought was my dream job, to go after a job in child care, that left me broke, and questioning my judgement daily.  I was quickly looking to either move up or move out.  I got the opportunity to move out, in April of 2015.  I have honestly not looked back.  I love banking.  I want to get my MBA.  I'd love to be a bank manager.  This is what I am pursuing.  

If you don't speak up for yourself, no one will.  This is a fact.  You have to do it.  It sucks, its uncomfortable.  But, you have to do it.  I have been down a road with that doctor's office, and I finally had enough.  I got advice from friends a family and I went to another place.  I have not looked back.  I found a great doctor that was willing to listen to me, and to explain things to me.  That was willing to hear me out and listen to me.  And now I am on the right path and I couldn't be happier.  

Sometimes people will not listen to you.  You can tell them something time and time again.  You can say the same thing over and over.  But they will not listen.  You are doomed.  These people will test you.  Way more than you really want them to.  You will get so frustrated with them.  Love them any way.  Just remember that they entire thing of it is, is that they are not listening to what you are saying, they are just thinking of the next thing to say.  

And now for an update....

I am sitting here writing this, while a box full of medicine is sitting on my bathroom sink.  All I could do was stare at it.  I have to keep telling myself that I can do this.  What I thought was 3 shots a day, thank the lord above, turned into one shot a day.  My hubby is enjoying the fact that he will get to stab me daily.  And I am more excited about how real it could be that I could be pregnant.  That the end goal is there.  It's so close.  

Our one and only choice for a baby of our own, while there is nothing major wrong with me, is IVF.  However, we are not the traditional IVF, we are IVF with ICSI.  They are going to take my eggs out or my body, and take one sperm, and inject the egg with it.  There are no chances for embryos not to develop.  Which brings to the hardest thing that I am having with this entire thing...  Freezing our embryos for another baby.  There is nothing that you can say that is going to make me think different of them.  You can try, I don't really want to hear it.  I have to figure this one out on my own.  My embryos are going to be frozen, waiting for me to decide when the time is right for another one.  What if something happens to them?  There are just so many things that are running through my head, and I am having a really hard time with them all.  I am really trying to stay positive.  For the most part I am very positive.  My boxer has been really bad, because I think that she can feel that something is amiss with me.  But there isn't too much that is amiss with me, other than having to get over that.  So Sunday night when you are all getting ready to return to work on Monday, say a little prayer for me as the hubby jabs me for the very first time.  And then say it again for the next few weeks.  Actually just the entire month of January keep me in your thoughts.  Happy New Year.  Love and Blessings for a happy and safe New Year!!

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