Monday, January 4, 2016

Having a melt down

Yeah, I did that on Sunday.  I knew that it was coming.  I just didn't know how it would come out.  I'm just glad it was a mini one and not full blow, crying for an hour or more and not knowing how to change it.  I love my 50/60lb boxer, for 3 years she has been my baby.  Like more than our other dogs she is our child.  Yesterday morning I woke up before the hubby and let the pups outside, it was cold and when they came back in, Abby (our boxer) wanted to cuddle with me on the couch.  We allow her to get on the couch, we don't mind her on the furniture, but she stepped on my leg when she came up and it hurt.  So then I began to panic, how am I going to keep her off of me when I have had a dozen or so needle sticks on my and I have to be on bed rest for 3 days?  I just started crying, mainly because the only solution that I came up with was, that I would have to spank her.  Then I cried more, I don't wanna spank her all the time.  Lucky, Hubby came down stairs about that time and we could have a cuddle session.  I'm sure that people think that I'm crazy, but she is just as much a part of my life that any child would be.  I know that she is worried, she can sense what is going on with me.  

Part of this blog post, is telling you that I had the meltdown.  The other part is letting you know that it is okay to do that.  Mental health is real.  Sometimes, you have to let it go.  I know that it is different for everyone, but take it from me, it's really okay to say that you need help.  For me, my mind goes in a million different directions, and either I can't keep up with it or I can't figure out which one to focus on, or I can't control the situation.  If I can't control it, I really lose it.  I know that it really sounds silly to not be able to control things, but it is more big things that set me into a tail spin.  And IVF is one of them.  There is no control.  I cannot pick anything.  I have to hope for the best.  I know that having a baby is much like that, but there is so much more in that.  In IVF you have to have blood test, you have to have a doctor tell you that you are proceeding in the right direction with your medication or you need to change it.  They will call you and say you are ready to go, you don't get to pick that.  I'd love to be able to call them and be like please take my eggs today, and I'd love you to put them back in on Saturday, when I don't have to work.  Oh wait, I have to work on Saturday, so let's change that to Sunday. I can't do that :( .  

I think that everything is a lesson, but I don't know that this is a lesson about control.  I think that this is more a lesson at overcoming my fears.  (Except the dark, yeah that one is staying).  Oh and I still think that hospitals are the most disgusting things in the world, but I don't know if that is a fear or just a thought.  But, I'm not so scared of needles anymore, I can get my blood taken and no one has to come with me.  I allowed my husband to give me a shot last night, and I only freaked out for 5 mins before hand.  I have a come a long way.  This journey is almost over.  And I am thankful.  You have to be thankful.  I'm sure that this doesn't clear up anything for you.  But sometimes it is nice just to let it out for me.

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